 And I think it kind of comes down to kind of a real basic element is who's fucked up? How much responsibility is out there and where does where does the real burden kind of lie? If she did you wrong behaved abominably did a bunch of things and she's coming back and you're having to chase her I think you're putting yourself in a bad situation That's a high-risk investment All right now if she had and she's learned gone to therapy worked on herself proven herself done a number of things And she still has value Consider it. It's an interview process All right, same thing with you How much were you responsible? Did you care and consider her in the relationship? Were you in the one that was did wrong and we go back to the critical confrontation when we talk about our critical conversations? When we talk about the event horizon where are we on the event horizon was it a single anomaly that destroyed and torpedoed the relationship in Most likely you can probably get over almost anything Okay, if it's a singular event and in that regard I would recommend each and every one of you learn how to give a proper apology That doesn't mean just saying I'm sorry It means identifying what was done Taking ownership of that action without question without justification without excuse All right, it means owning it. I Did this and it was wrong? period Follow it up by Acknowledging the damage and harm that was done because it was she was hurt. She was egregious You're you're at fault. You can't physically repay, but you can emotionally repay. I know I harmed this relationship I know I broke this trust I know I treated in a manner that wasn't becoming of you because you're an individual that has earned my respect And I did not reflect that I Was not operating with my own sense of entitlement or my sense of identity This is these are not values. I hold and that my actions were counter to that Then you need to apologize express your sorrow and Again pop the question in aspect cap it off with tell her how you're gonna change Don't just say I'm not gonna do this again Relate how this has affected you I'm ashamed of my behaviors and because of that It's influenced me to prompt me to never want to do do this again All right in that in these particular case if you're able to do that and it's real and sincere You may have a fighting chance All right, otherwise, you're gonna have to showcase change Saying you've changed ain't gonna cut it All right resurrecting the old relationship again isn't gonna cut it people that have healthy sense of who they are Where they want to go and want a healthy life don't want the same failing relationship It's already failed once don't repeat it again. Don't propagate the notion. You'll just do better Okay, we'll have the same relationship and it'll be fine. It's not gonna be fine intuitively people know it's not not going to be All right, you need to showcase change. You also need to showcase the lack of neediness Especially in getting her back All right, I've never heard somebody say Needing this is attractive on the contrary woman again and again and again We'll sit down and say a sense of confidence is attractive All right, you begging pleading doing all these supplicating elements trying to get her back not gonna work She may entertain it and me validate her. That's fine Don't expect a positive healthy relationship by acting through a supplicating manner You also need to be able to re re-establish trust and respect It's gonna be a little more difficult that I think is established initially by by the lack of content or not content contact When a woman sits down and dumps she says I don't want to see again. Don't be hounding her respect that decision It's gonna be tough one What if she's willing to meet with you and you say I'm gonna meet you at a certain place certain time do that Don't leave her hanging. Don't throw the women that you've been seeing in her face and it's fair to do that, but don't do it Okay, it's not showing respect. It's not gonna build that trust All right You know you can play on people's emotions It may be successful in the short run It's not gonna work out long term and you're also establishing a sense of behavior and propriety in the relationship She's entitled to do that to you All right, I don't necessarily like tip for tat. It's not healthy It can be insidious. All right Another aspect is don't dwell in the past Apologize make amends, but don't dwell on it Now the flip side to this is you want to kind of tap into a little bit of the nostalgia Relive some of the good times, but don't do it too much because in the back of her head and in human nature We all know how this relationship ends the story doesn't end well Dwelling on the past doesn't get you into the future. All right Utilize it to a minor degree. Don't be dwelling on how you did poorly. Don't be dwelling on how you did her wrong Cut it short. I've apologized for I meant it, but I'm not gonna be hounded. I'm not gonna be you know a whipping post over this All right The other aspect is the notion of conscious living You need to be living your life for you You need to be living a life women want to be naturally a part of it shouldn't necessarily be just your sole goal That women are gonna find attractive That is gonna want to lure back in in a healthy manner when she sees you living your life being the man You should have been and could have been All right, that's an entirely different thing than saying I'm gonna change That becomes attractive Especially if she's holding out a little bit of reservation on it and the last one on on this entire talk is when you cap this off It's not enough to have a life that women want to be a part of You've got to be able to make that connection with her and that connection with the life You're living and be able to project that in the future And that's ultimately what relationships all about is about making that connection with an individual Sharing that familiarity that bond that trust that respect and projecting that into the future So ultimately I would sit down and say that Relationships are very very very positive aspects on human human development on male Culture and I think we need to be celebrating these in many more ways. I think we need to be looking at it I think we need to be studying them. I think we need to be developing skill sets to be able to have healthy relationships I think they're gonna affect not only our own lives. They're gonna affect our family's lives They're gonna affect societies and cultures All right, you want to be a better man not just for yourself You want to be a better man so that you can project that to have a better life You can have a better choice of a partner and you can have a better family Okay, strengthen your family tree strengthen your cultural tree All right Any questions dead silence? I'm curious you mentioned at the beginning Monogamy and aspect of relationships and you didn't mention it again, but I'm curious It's a dirty word as you're right. I'm curious as to your views on Um and acting this stuff. I've I've done both. I've done monogamy. I've done Polyamory or plague me and I Don't know if it's just that I'm not ready for a monogamous relationship or that It's not for me. I'm not really sure what it is but I'm curious as to your thoughts on the benefits of Just having One woman to have these deep relationships with as opposed to having One or two or three, okay? It's fair. Ultimately, you're gonna have to make your own decision and then that's gonna be the most Decisive it has to be your decision for you I can sit down and say when you commit to a woman and you have you know commit to not only the idea of a Interpersonal commitment, but one of monogamy you're operating without a net and anytime you operate Without a net and a chance of real failures there You're gonna act more decisive you're gonna have to actually pay more attention to it because you have more at risk Okay, the nature of that relationship is gonna be different now. I'll also I'll be really honest I've done similar things as you have when you have multiple choices when you constantly have opportunities I'm gonna sit down and say honestly, you're gonna make better decisions You're gonna make better decisions. They're gonna come easier to you than if you only have one choice or one decision But when you're dealing with one individual, you're talking about the nature of not having necessarily Picking the better apple off of a tree using a gardening aspect. You're actually talking about tending a garden You're actually tending to an individual Okay, and the idea of a partner is in a very real sense here You're partnered together and so you kind of have a responsibility and obligation to help foster An environment where the individuals going to basically thrive and flourish and I you want the same from them They you want them to be doing the same thing. I think there's a level of intensity a Level of commitment to action that you get in monogamy and in a committed relationship that you don't when you have a plethora of choices And the key in all this is you need to experience at all, you know experience Dating experience not dating but seeing a bunch of different women Experience the idea for example of taking a summer lover of saying, you know for this summer I'm going to commit to one individual for a little while I know it's not going to last long and can relatively communicate that, you know, and that's fair You're not stringing along you're not building up expectations But to sit down and say I'm going to dedicate this period of time between you and I to see what happens to allow Something to foster that may not have fostered when there are other individuals in play and the reality is the less Complexity the more players you have involved the more complex it gets You know, and that's just kind of simple math and dynamics of any time you have more players You're going to have more possible outcome and more difficult. It's going to be not that it can't be achieved It can be it has been in there's case histories for this throughout time But I think it's something that everybody has to make their own decision of what their life is going to be like How do they want to live it and find that aspect whether it involves being in a relationship or not being a relationship You can live a happy fulfilling productive life and never been in a relationship I just know for myself and a lot of other people. That's not always the case It's why as a men's community agreement We lose a large number of individuals because there's no place for them in the men's community once you're in a relationship You're ostracized, you know, I've been told that very directly It's not something I believe in I haven't gone away You know, it's one of the reasons why I'm staying in here today is to be able to implement that change be that aspect Support others that think that way give them an opportunity to flourish. I Had a question those more of a point of point of clarification You you you talked earlier about the idea of removing sex from the table Yeah, I guess when you're my question is are you saying that when if you're if you're trying to find a relationship with a woman then Removed of physical beauty aspect from it and just look at her as a person and decide if you want To have a relationship with this person and then otherwise, you know, you can You know pursue the other route of chasing tail and that sort of thing Yeah, I What I find is when I have a cute girl in front of me I get stupid. I Don't make good decisions. I Blather I stutter. I don't make good decisions. I really don't And so part of the aspect is I you know, you want to be with somebody of high quality You want somebody that you're attracted to so how do you actually get around that and part of that is just running a Mental exercise of ignoring the beauty Okay, the other aspect is I've come across in so many cases Individuals that were gorgeous physically that were heinous on the inside And the thing is I want to make sure I'm not responding to the physical beauty the glitter Okay, the flash and I want to respond to the individual so part of what I actually, you know Physically do is to screen that out mentally don't respond to how pretty they are Don't don't make comments. God you're gorgeous. God that looks great on you. God. You're really attractive Okay, the other follow-on is to sit down and have the anxiety where you're looking for sex Okay, that's a human drive. It's a human need. It's natural, but don't make that the goal Don't don't be confused with where you want to go go and have a relationship and have sex Get in the way because women are actually very concerned about your ability to commit and exchange a lot of a lot of women The only two things they work with are the exchange and beauty value and sex value and Often what you'll find is they don't have anything else that they bring to the table and that's a sad story But you'll you'll see it in a number of different women's in a number of different ways I look for somebody that brings a hell of a lot more to the table a measure of charm measure of intrigue Intelligence interest things that I can actually share and banter ideas with somebody I can trust