 I'm back! So someone talked a two week break from the social media and my hamster's got an Instagram. Oh that's with new, I got a hamster. Anyway, hey guys, what's going on? Welcome, hello, hi. It's been a good two weeks since I was here, mainly because I've moved flat. Me and Becca moved into our own flat and I've been building this little background up. I started a new medication. Oh, lots happened. But anyway, I'm going to be in the update video that is going to come later on in the book. First off, let's do this one. This video is an open letter to my younger self. I know right now things are terrifying. I need to understand what's happening, but I want you to know things will get better. It's going to take time and you've got a rocky road ahead. And I know it's where you really want to go, but don't, because right around the corner you're going to meet the love you're like. The shoulder blades are not going to be easy. In fact, you're going to face and you wouldn't believe and you make mistakes, a lot of mistakes. I'm not going to say pretend things are just going to fall into play because you've got a steep, steep hill climbing and a body of all things are going to happen. You're going to have things thrown at you that you never thought you'd have thrown your way. I signed for recording this. And as I wrote this, I'm no longer in contact with my mom. And I have next to nothing when it comes to my motivation. Well, that just comes with depression. There's going to be some very traumatising things coming. I wouldn't want anyone to go through now. And I think how hard I'm believing sometimes all the stuff that's actually happened to me is real. Don't let people invalidate what you go through. You need to try yourself on being open, being honest and not really caring about what I mean is you can't please everybody. I'm a hell of a people, please are. I try to please everybody. Even I know it's not possible. The road you've got ahead of you is traumatising. Honestly, horrifying. In 2018, when you're 20, you're going to be attacked 20, you're going to have something thrown at you that not many people go through. And the honesty to today, you still have issues processing. In 2018, the 16th of June, 16th of June, 2018, is the day that you get attacked by police. And there's no words I can say that would ever make that easy. You've got sectioned straight after the attack and the month later, you took merely successfully end your overnight. In that moment, I wanted to give up. I genuinely believed every hope I'd ever had in my life had been taken away from me. I believed that I was doomed. I didn't think I could get back up from everything that happened, but I did. It's taken a lot of work. And when I'm writing this, I still take medication. I'm always going to take medication. I've been told that. There's a lot of things I come to terms with. When I was 17, when I was 17, you get diagnosed with aggressive arthritis. And me, you get a 20 now. Three years later, the pain is almost unbearable. I'm not going to say every time that it's fine, because it's 2019. You're faced with something that you didn't believe was ever going to happen. You're better than going to suicide. And even now, you can't process it. You can't... You can't get your head around that this person is gone. You miss them so much. Losing anyone is an emotional journey that I wouldn't want to wish on anyone. It's hard. It's long and, well, complicated. Losing someone to suicide and losing someone to natural causes are two very different things. Both things that I've worked. When I was 17, I witnessed two girls in a year. And that was my ex and my granddad, my great-granddad, who died on his 8th heart heart attack in resource in Warsaw, through himself in front of a train. And that is something I'll never get my head around or come to terms with that. I just want you to know that everything you're about to go through is not your fault. You're never asked for it. And no matter how many times people try to spin the story and make it out to your bad person, when you're not, it will get easier. And there are always people out there who care. Avoid a few people on social media that you face pictures. The main message of this is you really can overcome anything you can work through. Cobra things. And you know, you're still alive. And that's what matters. Okay, so real draw. Everything I just wrote was something that if I had been told about as a kid, or when I was 13, 14, I wouldn't believe it. And be like, there's no way that's gonna happen to me. The truth is, things happen that are out of your control and there's only so much you can do and one of the most important things for me. I'm not losing sight of wanting to be well. I had a lot of slip-ups in that year. But at this current moment in time I have just started a stabilizer. I've moved in with my girlfriend. I'm going into my last year at uni and I'm happy. But the thing that has been worse recently is my anxiety. My anxiety has been horrific. I literally have had no motivation to even film a video. And nobody knows this but I'm actually not working at the minute anymore and there's nothing more to it really. I'm not working at the moment and I haven't been for the last week. Mainly in this last week I looked like I had removed. It's been I'm not going from being employed to I haven't got a job but then you take a step back and look at what's changed. I worked for on behalf of Test and Trace NHS and the press it gets isn't even the half of it. So shit. And I can say that because I work for Rainbow. I wanted to sit on this because I had a plan and obviously a lot has been going on recently. It's not really that common that I take a long break of YouTube because I find making videos quite therapeutic actually. And what I wouldn't take from this is that even though you don't know what's going to happen around the corner or you don't know what the future holds and all the outcomes are going to be. Whether you've been dragged to a court you've been impatient not getting any treatment or not getting support there is always hope. There's always the stuff you can do and you can work on that. The last week I've been watching two YouTubers in particular. Both of them are original speakers and I found I didn't mention the third one but I'm actually now four months out of hospital which is that's four months since I turned down my life that's four months since I saw harm. Not huge for me that is massive and I didn't think I'd ever get to that point I didn't even think I was going to live to be 20 or 22 I look back and I'm like I'm literally 22 now and the amount of things I've been through is a lot. I've always always always said this to myself and I don't have as bad as other people. I don't like other people do how it works but that doesn't take away from what I'm going through and that's what I've really had to kind of slap myself with and well here I am but I am back on YouTube and I want to say thank you for supporting me while I've been away and yeah I'm here and I've moved flat so that's something and I got hamster, that's also got something I love my little hamster my name was Zary then, little nibbles nibble nibble when I got him out I was like little nibble nibble he's so cute I got hamster, I'm happy I moved flat and I'm no longer working but everything that was for the best because I was getting really exhausted by it and not for the reasons people think it wasn't a very demanding job it was emotional at times and if you have any questions about anything that I've said in this video or video ideas or just generalised questions ask me in the comments and I'll answer but yeah, thank you for being there while I've been away, it's been it's been nice reading all the comments actually and I do get to say every often because most people know that I get trolled unbelievably I can't really talk too much about that actually at the minute thinking on that I am going to die my hair tonight as well hello again that's all I got for this video if you are new if you're new, make sure you hit the subscribe button and during the file I'm going to go because I've been outtrying for like 5 minutes stay safe and stay strong and I'll see you guys tomorrow with a new video bye