 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, written by Ray Singer and Nick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharf in his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. In the old days, going to a dentist was an ordeal, but today with modern dental techniques, a visit to the dentist is nothing to dread, except to Phil Harris. He's still living in the dark ages, and he considers a visit to his dentist like going to see Bella Legosi. More about that later. First the word from RCA Victor. What style of interior decoration do you prefer? Would you give your living room the warmth and grace of French provincial? Would you do it in ultra smart, sophisticated modern? Or would you choose something in between? Well, whatever your taste in decoration, remember this. 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This exclusive factory service is another reason why, every year, more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Going to a dentist affects many people in many different ways. Some don't mind, others are timid, and still others are scared stiff. But Phil Harris reacts in a way all his own. Two minutes ago, he received a phone call from the dentist reminding him of an appointment this afternoon. And now as we look in, he is telling Alice about it. I ain't gonna go. I ain't let no dentist pull my cute little baby teeth. They're the only thing I got left of my youth. Ain't that the truth, though? Phil, don't be a sissy. There's nothing to going to a dentist. I've never seen such a big baby. It's easy for you to talk. I'm scared and I'm not ... Hey, wait a minute. What am I afraid of? I just remembered. He didn't say the appointment was for me. You see, you got all upset over nothing. Who was the appointment for? You. And you were ... me. Oh, Phil, I don't want to go to the dentist. I'm afraid. Afraid of the dentist? I'm surprised at you. Only cowards are afraid. Why come all of a sudden, you're so brave? Because all of a sudden, I ain't the one who's got to go. Honey, you got nothing to be afraid of. The dentist just wants you down for a cleaning. I know, I know. But when I get down there, he'll find something wrong. He'll want to drill or pull a tooth. Nonsense. There's nothing wrong with your teeth. Let me look at them. Come in. Come on, honey. Open your mouth. Let me see. All right. Open a little wider. Hi, Curly. Hi, Elliot. Hmm. Very interesting. What are you doing, Curly? Looking in Alice's mouth? What's the matter? Your television set going to blink? Mind if I take a peek? No, be my guest. Open your mouth wider, honey, so we can see your teeth. Curly, why aren't we looking at her teeth? Never mind. Open wider, honey. Yeah, they look good to me. Nice and sound. You've got teeth like a two-year-old. Isn't she, Ellie? Yeah. Her fetlocks ain't bad either. Of course, she's a little sway back, but with a padded saddle and a light jockey, you'll never notice. She does have ankles like Native Dancer, doesn't she? You can stop now. Honey, I'm only doing it to get your mind off of going to the dentist. Oh, that's why you're looking at her teeth. Yes, I have to go to the dentist, and I'm afraid. Oh, that's ridiculous. There's nothing to be afraid of? What do you have to have done to your teeth? But I have to get down and have them cleaned, and I don't want to go. Oh, no, Alice. If you don't want to go to the dentist, you don't have to. I'll take care of everything for you. You will? Sure. You just give me your teeth. I'll go have them cleaned and bring it back. Please tell them to stop. I certainly will. Elliot, you ain't going out of this house with my wife's teeth. I ain't going to have her walking around here with a nude mouth, gum on her way through dinner and gum on her... Now, I don't have false teeth. Oh, I didn't say you did. I was going to pull them all out, have them cleaned, and then glue them back in again. Well, you don't have to go to all that trouble, Elliot. Hers are on a zipper. Every night, zip, and they're out. One night, her tongue got caught in the zipper, and for two weeks, she was talking like, I'm free Bogart. Like then, she says, now move over there, because I don't want to pull it down. Well, I'm warning you, if you don't quit, I'm... Look, Alice, I'm just making a joke of it. I'm doing it for your own good. Yeah, we're just trying to get your mind off this horrible ordeal you got to go through. That doesn't. I'm not going to go. Honey, will you stop? Pay no attention to him. It's not an ordeal. Well, I'm going to be scared of that. I'll tell you what. Elliot and I will go with you to comfort you. You'll hold your hand, and I'll sing to you. All right, I'll go. Good. Now, come on, honey. I'll drive you down to Dennis and my car. I'll sing to you on the way down. Now, you go put on your hat and coat, and I'll go out in the car and get the band out of the glove compartment. Glove compartment. I used to keep them in the radiator, but they drank all the antifreeze. Possibilities, possibilities. We're living in a world that's full of possibilities. Make no miracle too impossible for anyone who sees the possibilities. If you recall your history, then you will find that all its famous men turned out to be the kind of men who never stopped to look behind. They looked ahead to see what they could see, and they saw possibilities, possibilities. They never overlooked a single possibility proven naturally. Possibility is for the one who sees the possibilities. Each time we try to solve a new phenomenon, the skeptics say it's just a dream I know. But after you're a hero and the job is done, then you can tell them all, I told you so. Yes, there are possibilities, possibilities. If you will only make the most of your facilities, folks will idolize, even eulogize the little guy that sees the possibilities. Christopher Columbus proved the world was round. He called Queen Isabelle on his return. She said, now tell me, Chris, about this place you've found. He said, well, Belle, as far as I'm concerned, it sure got possibilities, possibilities. I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities, and I really feel we should make a deal before somebody sees its possibilities. When little Abe was growing up in Illinois, to be a big success was his intent. He studied so much harder than the other boys, till one day he became our president. He saw the possibilities, possibilities. He never overlooked a single possibility proven naturally. Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities. I guess by now, there ain't no doubt about the point I'm bringing out. So if you'll open up your eyes, you are bound to recognize the possibilities. Possibilities, we're living in a world that's full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone who sees the possibilities. I'm getting cold feet. The closer I get to the dentist's office, the more scared I get. Alice, I think the reason you're afraid is that you have no confidence in your dentist. May I make a suggestion? What? Why don't you go to my dentist? Oh, that's all she needs, your dentist. What's wrong with my dentist working on her teeth? I'd rather have her bite into an electric fan while it's going. Just a moment. My dentist happens to be an expert. He's done all the work on my teeth. Look, I am. How they look. Real sharp. He filed them all to a point nicely. You needn't be sarcastic. He also put this gold cap on my front tooth. How's that look? Rather rural. Kind of abnerace of lemon abnerace. When you smile, it looks like a sunrise over a picket fence in Martha's vineyard. All right, girlie. Here's the building my dentist is in. Let's go in. Say, that's a coincidence. My dentist is in this building too. Alice, I wish you'd change your mind and see my boy. I guarantee he's absolutely painless. Look, you can forget it. I am not going to let Alice go. Wait a minute, Bill. Wait a minute. Did you say he was guaranteed absolutely painless? Guaranteed. You'll love him. You'll have a lot of confidence in this man. Everybody has confidence in this man. She wants a dentist, not a confidence man. Don't be a wise guy. Dr. Hertz is a very good dentist. Dr. Hertz? Yeah. You must have heard of him. Dr. O.O. Hertz? I know I'm a fool for asking this, but what does the O.O. stand for? Ouch. Ouch. I know that. That's not my dentist. No, I was only kidding, Alice. His first name is Oscar. And I promise you, you won't feel a thing when this man takes care of your teeth. He's very gentle. Well, it won't do any harm to see what he's like. Where's his office? It's right down the corridor here someplace. One of these offices. Here's his office. Very gentle, huh? What's the patient screaming for? I can't understand it. Doctors, stay away from me. Don't you dare come near me. Look at her go. Little thing, ain't she? That doctor's pretty fast on his feet, too. I think he'll catch her. Elliot, what kind of a doctor is this? Chasing these patients down the hall. Don't get excited. She's not a patient. She's his nurse. He's always chasing her around the office. Oscar is a fun-loving fellow. Now, then, Alice, would you care to step into his office and wait until he returns from the chase? Get away from me. I'm going home. Now, wait a minute. No, you're not. Now, you're going up and see your dentist. Now, come on. Let's get in the elevator and go up to Dr. Branigan's office. Now, please, Mrs. Harris, for the last time, if you want me to examine your teeth, you will have to open your mouth. Please open your mouth. Mr. Harris, I've had your wife in the chair for a half hour, and she refuses to open her mouth. Does she act like that at home, too? Doesn't she ever talk? Are you kidding, Clyde? She's a regular chatterbox all the time. She had it to you, had it to you, had it to you, had it to you. Yeah, her mouth's always gone. Last week, she was down at the beach, and she taught so much. Her tongue got sunburned. That is a joke. I thought it was funny. This is all very amusing, but I'm a very busy man. Now, Mrs. Harris, once more, will you please open your mouth? Mrs. Harris, I'll prove I'm not going to hurt you. I'll show you what I'm going to do to your teeth. Now, Mr. Harris, will you sit in this other chair here and open your mouth so I can show your wife what I am going to do to her teeth? Okay. Who, me? Yes. You. Oh, you must have a leaky gas line to light the jet, bud. You've been sniffing that stuff and don't know it. Please sit down, Mr. Harris. Go get yourself another boy. I ain't going to be no shill for no chopper chipper. Mr. Harris, I'm not a chopper chipper. I suppose that means something, but I don't have time to figure it out now. Now, Mr. Harris, just please sit in the chair. I'm not going to do anything to you. All right, all right. But if you promise not to hurt me. I promise I wouldn't do anything to bruise a little old cream puff like you. Now, just sit still and open your mouth. I... That's a good book. Now, you see, Mrs. Harris, I'm just going to look into your mouth like I'm looking into Mr. Harris' mouth right now and see, eh, well, what have we here? I don't know, and I ain't hanging around to find out, so long, doc. Take care of yourself, brush your teeth twice a day, and don't forget to take them out every night. Come on, sit down and open your mouth. I want to take another look at that wisdom, too. Now, let me see. Oh, am I going to get a fee for this one? What's the matter, doc? Do I have a cavity? Cavity? This is a regular Carl's bad cavern. Oh, I'll have to pull this one, I'm afraid. That makes two of us. Now, look, doc, as long as we're both afraid, let's forget the whole thing. I'll have to pull this one right now. What are you laughing about? I can't help it. Hey, doc, isn't this funny? Mrs. Harris came up to have her teeth looked at, and he ends up having his tooth pulled. Yes, it is funny. Mr. Lewis, would you mind laughing again? Just a little wider, please. I'll be glad to. Oh, wait a minute, what are you looking at? Mrs. Harris, you'll have to get out of the chair. This one's an emergency. I'm going to have to extract a few teeth. Which ones? Just the upper row. Doc, do you mind if I say something? No, what? How would you like a sock and a snoot? What would you and your wife get me into? This really is funny. If he hadn't laughed at Mr. Harris, I wouldn't have seen how bad his teeth are. This is really a scream, isn't it, Mrs. Harris? Very funny. But you're not going to get me to open my mouth. Well, shall we get started? Which one of you is going to be first? She is. No, no, no, Mrs. Harris can wait. Harris, I think I'll take you first. I'd love to, doc, but you see, I've got time now. I have a four o'clock appointment to have my appendix removed, and I don't want to keep the doctor waiting. Yeah, I'll go with him. Why do you have to go with him? I'm his doctor. Yeah? I'm going to hurry, doctor. The pains are coming closer now. You think we're in time? Oh, don't worry. I have my pocket knife with me, and we'll take the appendix out in the elevator on the way down. Oh! That sounds like fun. Oh, sit down! Now, come on, Harris. Open your mouth. Now, wait a minute, doc. Please, please. Don't you touch me. You go away from me. You stop flashing around like that. You're going to... Mr. Harris, why did you kick me in the stomach? Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. And I'll do it again if you come near me. Well, if you won't sit still, there's only one thing to do. Doc, look, I tell you that I don't want to have... What are you doing? Strapping you to the chair. Oh, no. Look, Kelly, he's got me strapped to the chair. Don't worry, Curly. He hasn't shaved your head yet. Besides, I'm keeping the telephone open to the warden's office, and if the governor calls with a reprieve for you, we'll have you home. Doc, what are you... Hey, what are you doing? I'm strapping you in, too. If you need attention, I'm going to see that you get it. Dr. Branigan, are you going to pull their teeth now? Yes, but I'd better not do it. The way I feel about these two jokers, I'm liable to do something I'll regret later. I'll let my associate pull their teeth, and if you'll excuse me, I'll go in and tell him to get ready. Hey, look, Doc, you can't do this, Doc! Hey, Alice, don't let him pull my tooth. You know I can't stand pain. Oh, come now, fellas. Remember what you told me about being a baby? Just relax and I'll sing to you. I don't feel like hearing you sing. Force yourself, because you're going to hear it anyway. Oh. You're the cream in my coffee, you're the salt in my stew. You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you. You're the starch in my collar, you're the lace in my shoe. You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you. Most mental love tales, and each phrased of tales. You've heard each known way, this way is my own way. You're the sail of my love boat, you're the captain crew. You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you. We're not good poets, how well we know it. We've never been great ravers, but when we speak of you, we rave a bit, it's true. Our heads are turning, and just from learning your estimation of us. What sugar does for tea, that's what you do to me. You're the sailor, bring out each flavor, so this is clear, dear. You're my worster, dear. You're the sailor of my love boat, you're the captain and crew. You will always be my necessity, I'd be lost without you. I came out here to ask you something. Is it going to hurt Mr. Harris when he has his tooth pulled? No, it won't hurt a bit. My associate is an excellent extractionist. Oh, who is your associate? A young man I just took into my office. I expect him any minute. I thought here I am. Oh, no, it can't be. Dr. Julius isn't your associate, is he? No, of course not. Hi, Miss Faith. Hello, Julius, what are you doing here? I came to pick up my father. He's having all my mother's teeth pulled. Your father's having your mother's teeth pulled? I'm waiting for Mr. Harris and Mr. Lewis. Poor fellas are inside. You see, they're going to have a lot of teeth pulled. Oh, isn't that splendid? Hey Doc, how are them two yellow bellies taking this? Like yellow bellies. They're afraid to have their teeth pulled. In that case, don't pull. No, they've never seen him, but I... Say no more. Share them up, do you? I know. Go right ahead. Thanks. Now, Julius, Julius, I don't want you to scare them. I don't want you to make them nervous. I ain't going to get caught on them. They'll be gibberish idiots. You're going to visit me patience. I guess you're right, Curly. We're acting like a couple of babies. There's nothing to having a tooth pulled. Nah. I bet it don't even hurt. It's the green hornet. Julius, nobody asked you to come... Hold it. What do you mean you're the one who's going to pull them? You're waiting for the doctor's associate, ain't you? Yes, we are. Certainly they're too tight. We can't even move. We can't even lift our arms. You can't pull them if we don't want you to. Yeah, I guess you should have a say in the matter. Tell you which one. In that case, I'll just go in. You're not? I'm going to do the job. See, you see... Thank goodness. As long as a real dentist is going to do it, it's... Hey kid, tell me something. Which one is the best dentist? Branigan or Barker? It's a toss-up. Whether you're off on a vacation or just staying around home, you can listen to all your favorite records, easier and better, with RCA Victor's automatic free-speed portable phonograph. This remarkably compact Victrola is styled along luggage lines, has a comfortable handle for easy carrying. Take it to the shore, to the mountains. Play it anywhere there's an AC outlet. It plays all records, all three speeds. Thus centers the secret. Load up to 1445 extended play records on the large slip-on spindle. Press a button and relax to almost two hours of music. You can also play your 78 or long play records with the same automatic ease. You'll enjoy concert hall tone at every speed because this portable Victrola has RCA Victor's famous golden throat tone system. First chance you get, see and hear the automatic free-speed Victrola portable phonograph at your RCA Victor dealers. Hi, this is Phil again. Spring is here and the call of the open highway beckons to millions of motorists. Once again the National Safety Council ask you to drive safely, carefully and to keep alert. Take your tip from the professional truck driver and remember that driving is a full-time job. Slow down for safety's sake. The life you save may be your own. Thanks and good night everyone. Good night everybody. Included in this program were Julie Bennett and Joseph Kern. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. There's music to match most every mood in RCA Victor's series of mood music albums. Hugo Winterhalter and his orchestra play music for romancing, music for reminiscing. 16 wonderful selections in all, including such favorites as penthouse serenade, deep purple, always and these foolish things. Listen to the new Hugo Winterhalter mood music albums on long-play records or on the exciting new 45 extended plays. At your RCA Victor record dealers now. Next here, Theatre Guild on the air over NBC.