 Well, let's pray first and then we'll begin. Father in Heaven, thank You for my wife and for the joy we share together with each other and in Your love. And thank You for the marriages represented here that You've ordained. Help us, O Lord, to glorify You in our marriages and the ways that we love and care for each other. We pray that our marriages would be in themselves a witness to our children, to family and friends of Your gospel and the transforming power of Your Spirit. We just pray You'll bless our time together tonight, amen. Earlier today I was in the office and I was evaluating employees and considering their raises for next year or for the end of the month, next 12 months and it occurred to me that I could create like this questionnaire and I could give one to the men and one to the women and you could evaluate each other on the basis of how well you're obeying the scriptures that we're going to talk about. But let's not do that. Maybe though you should evaluate yourselves as we consider what God's word has to say about our marriages and how we're to submit to what His word says for us. I'm going to be speaking to you tonight primarily about Ephesians 5.33 which I'll read. It says, nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. And I found the, I love the way that R.C.'s role speaks, you know, he's so blunt and matter of fact and so in his commentary on this verse he said, probably the most fragile mechanism in the whole creation is the male ego. One of the most difficult things to admit or to understand is that there is probably nothing that a man wants more from his wife than her admiration. And there is probably nothing that a woman wants more from her husband than his attention taking her seriously and treating her with the greatest dignity. Here what we are getting at is the question of respect. If I exercise my headship over my wife in a tyrannical way I am not respecting my wife. If my wife gives slavish obedience to me without any love she is not respecting me. The whole basis of the relationship is built upon love, cherishing and respecting one another. So I will be looking at and going through some of the full commentary on Ephesians and also borrowing from Richard Steele who was a Puritan preacher and author who lived in England 1629 to 1692 and he wrote, the duties of husbands and wives. There is an e-book today, you can get it, a PDF or you can get a Kindle book, version of it, that was edited by Scott Meadows and you've probably heard his name, a cold, pure worship, Pastor Mark has quoted it often and his exhortations about how we worship, how we hear sermons, but so that was a very helpful thing and so he took Richard Steele's book and sort of modernized it and put it into plain English for us and one of the points that Steele makes, and this is Meadows' modernization of it, explaining marital duties to you is much easier than persuading you to do them, but first let's just look at the summary of the duties that are described here in this verse. Every man's duty is to love his wife. This is not the only duty, but it includes all the others. This is both how and why he is to love her because they are both really one and loving her will result in blessings to him and then every wife's duty, the root word is fear, but in the New King James it's respect and the King James it's reverence, but every wife's duty is to respect her husband both for his person and his position. This necessarily includes love because if she loves him she will try to please him and avoid offending him. I need that little bottle of water there please. Oops, sorry. I thought I thought a lot about that instruction, you know. There's a sense in which it seems obvious, love your wife, respect your husband, but we're often not very good at that and that's why we're being told given this direction. Steele says that these two duties are not exhaustive but are mentioned particularly either because they are the most common failures of each or because they include all the other duties. Another explanation is that respect is what the husband needs most and love what the wife needs most. So there's two sides of it. We're often not very good at these things and at the same time they're the things that we need the most and it's God's counsel to us. The book that Steele wrote is very helpful. I encourage you to read the whole thing. He goes in the early part of the book through the duties that both husbands and wives have toward each other and then there's an exposition of the duties of husbands to their wives which Jerome is going to cover and then this issue of the wives and their respect for their husbands. I don't want to just go through briefly before we get to the heart of this wives respecting their husbands. What he says about the duties belonging to both alike. First he says living with each other and it seems really obvious but over the years in my life I have seen where couples will for what seem reasonable circumstances go live somewhere else for three months. If their marriages survive it it's in spite of that. It's certainly not helpful. But there's a broader sense in which there's got to be a separation. There's a sense in which when I married Marian that connected me to the rest of her family. But I didn't just become very attached to all of them and stay very attached to mine. You're going to live with each other and she is not going to remain very clingy to her parents in the process. So living with each other, loving each other, staying faithful to each other, helping each other, being patient with each other, still says saving each other and in the sense of edifying and speaking often of God and spiritual things and being fellow pilgrims to the celestial city. Maintaining regular but moderate marital sex is one of his points looking out for each other's interests and all things and finally he says praying for each other. And in that admonition he writes, Peter warns against their prayers being hindered which suggests they should pray for and with each other. Quote, Isaac pleaded with the Lord for his wife because she was barren, Genesis 25, 21, we should pray for everyone but especially our spouse. The purest love is expressed by earnest prayer and prayer will preserve love. Seek times for prayer together. Prayer elevates Christian marriage above, heathen marriages and the cohabitation of animals. So then in the book he goes into the duties of husband and we're going to now look at the duties of the special duty of a wife, respect. If she has all the beauty and learning but no respect for her husband, she is not a good wife. And he starts with three points. Creation suggests that she was made after the man, she was made from the man and for the man. Made after the man, 1 Timothy 2, 13, for Adam was formed first, then he. From the man, 1 Corinthians 11, 8, for the man is not from woman but woman from man. And for the man, 1 Corinthians 11, 9, nor was man created for the woman but for the man. And for the man, 1 Corinthians 11, 9, nor was man created for the woman but woman for the man. So creation suggests it, even after the fall the divine order stands, Genesis 3, 16, I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception in pain. You shall bring forth children, your desire shall be for your husband and he shall rule over you. So creation suggests it, it stands even after the fall and the New Testament confirms it. Colossians 3, 18, wives submit to your own husbands as is fitting in the Lord. And 1 Peter 3, starting in verse one, wives likewise be submissive to your own husbands that even if some do not obey the word, they without a word may be won by the conduct of their wives when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. And then near the end of that verse five he says, for in this manner in former times the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves being submissive to their own husbands. So this is the word of God. It is, Sproul says, controversial, it's dismissed mostly by our world today and probably was the case then too. These things seem so out of step and out of place and they're not appropriate and our culture is different and my, how much more sophisticated we are now than we used to be and this is, this is, there are all kinds of arguments and in fact in Sproul's commentary he goes through several of them why this is so dismissed in our world today. And primarily it's, Sproul says it's the advent of feminism and he says the argument of the feminists is first, Paul wrote these instructions not by inspiration of the Holy Spirit or by the revelation of God but from a standpoint of male arrogance. So they're dismissing it as the word of God. They're saying in effect that this is not God's revelation. This is not God speaking to us and giving us instruction and giving us wisdom. Sproul says if one is persuaded that the Bible including Ephesians is the word of God then one would immediately dismiss this assumption and regard it as slander against the Holy Spirit himself. So we are proudly counter cultural are we not? The second assumption in that argument about this being simply male arrogance is that the implication is females are inferior and so that riles up the feminists. But Sproul says this assumption is manifestly invalid. There is no doubt that countless men have chauvinistically drawn this erroneous conclusion from the text but the text itself does not warrant it. Because a person is given a subordinate position in a given structure that involves a division of labor does not carry with it the necessary inference of inferiority the son is no less God than the father. There is a hierarchy. There is an order and Sproul talks about that. He says the best model we have for this is to be found in the trinity. In the economy of redemption the son is subordinate to the father and the Holy Spirit is subordinate to both the father and the son. Yet at the same time we insist that the son and the spirit are co-eternal, co-essential, and equal in power and dignity with the father. The son is not inferior to the father and the spirit is not inferior to the son and the father. And so to speak of authority structures does not in any way suggest that women are inferior in substance. Another feminist objection that Sproul includes is that Paul was articulating a theology of women derived in part from rabbinic Judaism and in part from general culture both of which regard women as inferior. And he says basically this is another version of the same argument. But he says it mollifies the slander against him slightly by making Paul a victim of the undue influence of rabbinic tradition and the prevailing ideas of his day. Of course if we carried this assumption to its extreme we would find little or nothing in the New Testament that differs from or transcends the cultural thinking of its day. On the other hand if we find anything in the writing of Paul it is a thinker who following Jesus was so radically innovative and critical of human traditions that it cost him as it did Jesus before him his very life. And so to suggest that Paul is just writing from the peer pressure is absurd. And then the final objection is that Paul's teaching in Ephesians contradicts his teaching in Galatians and in Galatians 3 28 we read there is neither Jew nor Greek slave nor free male nor female for all of you are one in Christ Jesus. And the reasoning is Sproul says if in Christ there is neither male nor female this implies that conversion to Christ obliterates the distinction between male and female. Conversion must yield unisexuality or asexuality. Paul therefore is caught in a hopeless contradiction between Ephesians and Galatians. On the one hand he teaches that in Christ there is neither male nor female while on the other he enjoins the female member of a marriage to be submissive to the male member the husband. That's just stinking thinking. The context of Galatians is salvation and to say that they're in contradiction in some way is not recognizing the context of the two different passages. Anyone who has faith in Christ is included in the family of God. Salvation is not restricted to Jews or to Gentiles to males or to females to slaves or to freemen. The great leveler regarding salvation is not race, sexuality or status but faith. This is the obvious point Paul is making in Galatians. I'm sure there are other arguments that people make about why we should be dismissive of those verses referencing creation and the order of creation, referencing the fall, the relationships being affirmed in the New Testament. Ultimately it's simply not believing the word of God. But let's look more closely at the Ephesians 5.33. In his commentary, Sproul refers back to verse 22. Let me go back and read 22 through 24. Wives submit to your own husband, husbands as to the Lord, for the husband is the head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church, and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. So submitting to your husband, respecting your husband is in effect an act of worship that the woman gives to the Lord himself. This is God's will for wives. I listened to a sermon by Albert Martin on this and he said repeatedly, to the extent that a wife will not submit and will not respect the husband's will, she is denying even the gospel that it's not true, that Christ is not head of the church, that Christ is not our savior, and that I don't have to submit to Christ. In the behavior that it's as if that's what she was saying, and Sproul says, it is the Lord's will that the wife be submissive to her husband, and if she wants to honor Christ, then one of the concrete ways she does this is by being in submission to her husband. If a woman is contentious and refuses to follow the leadership of her husband, she is in rebellion, not simply against him, but also against Christ. And you know, everyone who looks at this passage does not, this is not like a blanket no matter what he says, right? If in some way your husband calls you to disobey God, then don't do it. But short of that, and that can look a lot of different ways, but short of that, the general principle is that a woman is to bend over backwards to defer to the leadership and authority of her husband. She is not free to disobey simply because she disagrees or because she finds herself inconvenienced by what the husband requires. And he didn't say necessarily that it would be easy. Albert Martin goes on about, you know, if he's the most, you know, boorish, insolent, and so forth, and uses about eight adjectives and, you know, his very strong voice, it doesn't change the fact that a wife is to respect her husband and be submissive to him. And Steele, when Steele speaks about this, he, he, he, he, the pattern of this respect is something that he elaborates on, and he talks about this. And, and so they all do, like Sproul, Martin, the others. The pattern here for a wife's submission to her husband is the church's submission to Christ. That's what the passage is, that's what 22, 23, 24, that's what, that's, that's what's being conveyed. And so by analogy, you know, like we don't say, well, we're going to submit to Christ on this and this and this, but on this, nah, this part's not convenient or, you know, do the Jefferson Bible and, you know, cut those parts out that you don't like. And, and so it's, it's, it's neither about your, the husband himself, right? That's not the basis for, for your respect of him. The, you know, the verse says, at the end, so let the wives, this is verse 24, therefore, just as Christ is sub, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. It doesn't say in everything except A, B, C, D, you know. So Steele says, in things great and small, agreeable and disagreeable to her. She may reason with him in things inconvenient to her, but if he will not be persuaded and there is no sin in the case, she must submit to him. And in Sproul's commentary, he, he talks about this modern notion that, you know, marriages are to be 50-50. And he doesn't agree with that. He says, I can't think of a worse scenario for a marriage than to have the authority in that relationship divided equally. When two people are together like that, then nobody has any authority. You are in a perpetual power struggle where one is trying to get control of 51% of the stock and that can be exceedingly destructive to a family. It's been interesting this week that there have been two, two marriages that I've known about that have, that either have fallen apart or are in the process of falling apart. And it just reminded me the, the, like the seriousness of what's at stake here. Like today, everything may be fine with you and your wife. That's what I thought was the case with these friends of ours in North Carolina who were married, I think 33 years. And I had not kept in touch with them much, but I saw the wife posting two or three things on Facebook that he was like, he was not in the picture. And so I found him. And you know, this is the first contact I've had with him in a few years, but I just, are you still following Christ? Like what? These two people were, you know, in church before us, when Mary and I first started going to church, this was like, this was the picture of a Christian couple, you know, for us. And in some way, the things that we're talking about were not observed. Either the wife had no respect for her husband or the husband didn't love his wife, or maybe it was both. I don't know. I haven't had a chance to talk with him, but it's still, it was shocking to me when I was in evangelism explosion years ago, at First Baptist Orlando, in invasions, I think it was, I don't know, it was evangelism explosion. You're asked to have a prayer partner. And so you pray together regularly. And so this guy was the guy that I prayed with every week. It's grieving. So it's just like an aside that don't, don't, don't sort of make some sort of presumption that we're good. You know, this is all fine and good, this stuff you're talking about, but you know, for us, we're fine. No, you need to do this. Wives, you need to respect your husbands. And we can't cover it all tonight, but I would suggest to you that this is something you really ought to study out, like you ought to read, you know, and consider sermons and, and, you know, look for guidance about how to do this. I'm going to talk a little bit about that here. But you know, so it's, it's Friday night. It's the end of the week. You know, if your week is like mine, it's like, well, um, and so a lot of this is going to go right in one ear and out the other. I know it will. Um, so I'm just saying don't be presumptuous, like don't be presumptuous. Be diligent. Do, do, do the word. Don't just hear it. Um, so the pattern, again, Steele is talking about, and looking at the earlier part of this passage and what, what, what is the pattern of this, um, respect? And he said, uh, also in addition to, um, you know, it's being the, the, the model of the pattern you're modeling yourself after is the church's submission to Christ. That's your model. Um, and so when you think about that model, um, you know, if you think that the commands of God are burdensome, you have a heart problem. Uh, there should be delight in duty for the Christian. Um, when your heart is renewed, uh, regenerated and the, the laws of God are written on your heart in a way that, uh, causes you to receive, receive, receive, so you, you have a new receptor, right? Uh, you don't have a heart of stone that says, I'm not going to do that. You have a heart of flesh. It's like a new, you, you're able to tune in to the law of God in a way that you couldn't before, that, that, um, receiving the commands is a delight because of your new heart. Um, and so that ought to be true in this context too. Um, you know, if, if, if wives are sort of wrestling at the idea that like, you know, how do I respect him? That's not, you know, that's a danger, danger, danger, you know, um, Steele says the, the, the respect must be free, willing and cheerful. The service Christians do to the Lord is with goodwill. So the wife should submit to her husband as if there were, but one will in their two hearts. Therefore grudging obedience is unacceptable and usually springs from her unmortified pride and self conceit. Even if he is severe, it is better for you to do your duty and leave his judgment to God. The next part of Steele's essay, so we've got the pattern and then, um, what does, what it's the demonstration of a wife's godly respect. What does it look like? So there's the pattern to follow and then the doing of it. What does it look like? Um, well it, it, it has to do with your words first of all. And I meant to go back and look at the last time I spoke at one of these. That's what we talked about. Like how do you speak to your spouse? Um, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks Matthew 12 34. If she really respects him, it will show and what she says on her tongue is the law of kindness proverbs 31 26. She speaks respectfully of him in his absence and she speaks respectfully to him in his presence. Um, I couldn't help but think of another marriage that fell apart as I was looking at this. These were this Christian couple. Um, that we, they were like our closest friends for a few years when we first got to Orlando. Um, really nice personable people. But over time, of course for a few years, she would start criticizing him to us in front of him. You know, and I, I, I didn't, I didn't know a whole lot, but I knew that that's just not good. You know, just don't do that. Um, and I, I admonished her not to and, um, but it got to the point where we just finally had to say, look, we just, we're just not going to spend any more time with you folks. We're done. Um, because it just, just was constant. It's constant complaining about it. Um, and yes, they're divorced and things are a wreck. Um, so speak respectfully of him in his absence and certainly in his presence. Steele had some very specific, uh, advice here. Beware of interrupting him while he is speaking or saying 10 words to his one. You know, but so you're, you're, the wife is the helpmate. Um, Sproul in one of his sections here refers to, um, the wife is the queen. You've got the king who's given responsibility and dominion and the queen to help him. Um, and, and so part of that, you know, if you're going to help, you got to listen. Um, it's like one of those things that my mother taught me a long time ago about a conversationalist. Like if all you do is talk, you're not a very good conversationalist. You need to listen. Um, but certainly in your marriage, like it works both ways. You need to listen to each other, not interrupt each other. But, um, I think it's good advice, you know, don't interrupt. Use, uh, don't use disrespectful words or tone, strive for a gentle and quiet spirit. First Peter three, four, do not be afraid that this will make your husband worse, but trust in God's wisdom. Remember God hears and will judge you for every idle word. And Steele goes on to say ideally both the husband and wife should be slow to passion yet where one must yield. It is most reasonably expected of the wife. No woman gets honor by having the last word. Some women argue that their tongue is their only weapon, but the wise know that their tongue is set on fire by hell. So words matter, you know what you say, how you say it, but so do deeds. And so Steele speaks of obeying directions and restraints. The wife is bound in conscience to obey her husband and everything that is not contrary to the revealed will of God. And even in this case, she should refuse respectfully. For example, she cannot consent to omit Bible reading or prayer or sanctifying the Lord's day, although he commanded ever so sternly. And so, you know, it's the same thing we heard from Sproul earlier. So she obeys his directions and constraints. One of the things too that these two guys didn't talk about much but Albert Martin did was that your respectful attitude is much more likely to open the door to persuasion than disrespect, like you want. If you think you're right and you want to persuade him that you are, don't club him over the head with a hammer, you know? I mean, if your pattern has been respectful, he's going to listen more. Steele put it this way, most husbands are liable to reform if their wives respect them properly. Likewise, most wives can be one by respect to respect by his wisdom and affection. Some will disregard all this counsel with the excuse that none can attain it, but this mocks God. He will punish all such. If his vengeance does not meet you in this life as it often does the rebellious, then it will in another. A true Christian is marked by a fundamental submission to biblical counsel. Without this, you are mere hypocrites. So then he has a section how to accomplish these duties and there are really two sets. One is for before marriage and the other one is once married. He didn't divide them, but that's how it seems logical to me. Before marriage, keep yourself pure before marriage. Beware of lust's first beginning and flee it like poison. Now that can apply to a married couple too, obviously, but he says keep your heart filled with the things of God and your body busy about your duties. The greatest fires begin with a spark. Momentary pleasure that precedes eternal torment is utter folly. So keep yourself pure before marriage. Choose your spouse carefully. Steele says do not first love and then consider. First consider and then love. That's not what we usually do. And study biblical marriage duties before you have them. So get marital counseling, you know, premarital counseling. Being a godly spouse is such a big challenge that you must prepare well for it beforehand. It is no wonder that so many marriages fail. Too often the husband does not know how to rule and the wife does not know how to obey. Both are ignorant, conceited, and miserable. It doesn't sound like where we want to be. He goes on with these other pieces of advice that are good for, certainly for married couples, resolve to obey God without any reservation. That's good advice. Until you are born again and made holy in your heart and conduct, you cannot please God or be a complete blessing to your spouse. You can only live together as civil pagans. The husband that truly fears God cannot remain bitter against his wife. A Bible placed between you will eliminate many differences, comfort, many distresses, and guide you in many confounding circumstances. Remember God's commands have the highest reason, and so obedience has the greatest sweetness. Another point he makes is get and maintain true affection for your spouse. Give no place to jealousy. Do not give ear to backbiteers and gossips. Jealousy often develops where true affection was lacking from the start. Here, again, times up. I'm on my last page. The earlier advice is again repeated in a slightly different way, but pray. Pray for spiritual graces. This is the advice that Steele gives us. Pray for wisdom. A lack of wisdom causes many troubles in marriage. We need much wisdom to rule as husbands and to submit as wives. Pray for humility. The humble husband and wife will say, My spouse is far too good for such a sinful person as myself. That reminds me of this other marriage that fell apart. Married just over a year, one child, another on the way, raised in a Christian home, gone to church all their lives, professing and adultery, met someone online and just lost their minds. But he wasn't happy. He thought he deserved more, deserved better. The humble person will say, I don't deserve such a wonderful partner. Hell is what I deserve. And then pray for uprightness. An upright heart is needed to keep these commandments of God. An upright heart will choose the safest course even if it is the hardest. So, I hope that's helpful. It's been a blessing to me to think through these things and to count my blessings. Let's pray. Father in heaven, we are so blessed in so many ways and especially in the salvation that you have given to us in your son and just the wisdom of your Lord, the right teaching that we have been brought under. We're just so grateful that we are not looking through the lenses of selfishness and wickedness and pagan point of view on the beauty of the institution of marriage. Help us, Lord, to obey this counsel and we know that it is for our good. In Jesus' name, amen.