 to me to have me come out after all these years by myself and you're all applauding and got those smiles on your faces and glad to see me. I just want to tell you I love you for it because I need it. I've been with Jack Benny for 16 years and there ain't no money connected with that. I think in the dark room on Saturdays I give you a pass towards the love and blow when you're bad at that. I don't go to that start when I'm married out of St. Louis, she had money but I'll beat Sam to fight and find him. I've looked every one. Some of your brother might have and I went with him, he ain't got nothing. So whatever you can do to help me earn an honest living I'll certainly appreciate it. I'm awfully happy to see you service men here. It's a pleasure to have you and I just want you to know you're welcome in our program anytime because they're not only doing a wonderful job for our customers. I've got to go with you guys because during the last war I was an Navy myself. I fought the battle. They lost eight lobster traps over there in one night. You know the brain didn't eat for days or when they read it. But they had a very unique way of collecting their enlisted men when I went into the Navy according to what they've done in my entire life. For instance, I went in with a couple of buddies of mine and one of them was a street swinger. They put him on a mine sweep and this other buddy of mine was a construction guy. And they put him on a destroyer. There he goes. He's got what comes to barbuses. How many have come back? Next they had to be the barbuses. The guy said, ah, he don't come back. Now the barb is going nuts on them scissors, you know. So he's getting a little flip. Every day a guy comes in without he don't come back. He says, because of Tamar he says the boot black followed him. I want to know. Next they had to be the barbuses. The guy went out, the boot black followed him. Where'd he go? Where'd he go? The boot black says, the... Like a drunk that fell out of 12-story window, you know. Blind, boom, he fell out. A big crowd got around on the street. He got up, broke himself off. The fellow walked up to his, what happened? He says, damn, fine. No, I just got here. Rolling now. Two drunk walking down a railroad track. Blind had now really stoned. So you know, walking down this railroad track and one looks at the other and he says, man, it's the longest staircase. The other one says, I don't mind that. It'd be low banisters. I want to tell you that our business is like your business. One person that two people can't do it, you've got to have a competent organization and we've been very, very fortunate. And in every department, well, for instance, every one of those fellows that you see sitting up on that stand does an outstanding job on his or her particular image. You see those things that I know that you don't know. Now you take the leader, he's okay. We're very happy about him because we have a genius on our hands and I'm serious now because he's already had two of these known things, played in a Hollywood Bowl and he's been nominated six times for the Academy Award, ladies and gentlemen. He was nominated last year and just lost it by a few points for the marvelous arranging and directing of the beautiful music that you saw in the hands of Christian Aniston. Sorry, this is Walter Sharpen's music. All of the boys that you see sitting up there, ladies and gentlemen, one of them is with me, connected some way or other for many, many years because I started off as a lead drummer but it gave me a beautiful opportunity of meeting some wonderful fellows and friends and all those fellows up there are very successful in their music business. I'd like to introduce them all to you and tell you what they've done in the past but that'll take a lot of time. I'm going to tell you that they've been around me but there's one or two of them up there. I think you might have joined me. There's one fellow I'm going to be with me. He's got more money than ours. And I'm like, hey. But he likes to be around me and it's always a pleasure to have him using the big name and his own writing in this business. I'll be no right. Every week we have Red Nichols. The Red now is getting 5'10". He's got a date up in Coeur d'Alene and he's playing up there this week in Coeur d'Alene but sitting up in the back row is one of the greatest of the two. In fact, I shouldn't say greatest because they're all great but I'll introduce him to you this way. He is the husband of that wonderful little girl, baby Rose Marie, if you remember. And this is Bobby Guy that was with Pegasus along the proper way. Well, on the end here hasn't been with me long. He was the coach representative for Manasheva. But, for example, now I'd like to introduce some small kids, ladies and gentlemen, because without her I don't think the program would be possible. In fact, I'm sure of it. I'm not going into a big eulogy. I'm just going to tell you we've been married 12 years. We've got two beautiful daughters. She's not always the most beautiful girl in the world but this didn't get talent, too. Alex, thanks. You didn't give me muscles, you know. You're going to have a lot of nerve. Now we got... Let me see who else we have. I'm going to save the guest because I want you to really give me a big hand for when she comes around. I think you get a kick out of seeing it. Now we have another guest star. In fact, two of them. I know that I'm about to introduce. He comes over whenever we need a real good actor and helps me out. He's also a big star in television. He's got a lot of motion pictures. But, mainly, you might remember him last year because he is so enthused about baseball that he went away for years rather than some work and could become a love star. And he has turned out to be one of our best umpires and he loves the game and we're expecting big things for him and we're waiting to see him in the big league. It will yield track, ladies and gentlemen. This is her first time in quite a while. In private life, she's married to Don Wilkins, one of my closest buddies and he is one of our best actresses and we have in his business Miss Lois Cormis, ladies and gentlemen. Outstanding little actresses in his business with Jeanine Routh. Come on. I imagine some of you people remember. I can remember when I was young those kids used to have to stand on a box that little girl I just introduced when we first brought her here. Honey, it won't be long now. We get to steal our show every week and we're very happy about it because he's an early and wonderful guy and he's got a lot of talent. He plays the part of Julius de Bruyre's own grocery boy. Two commercials on the Benny show and they're a big act in their own right. Do you ever see the name on the mark? Well, for an hour and a half they'll really entertain you. Enjoy the show and I want you to laugh or I want you to cry. In other words, for goodness sakes, you're on Alice, right on the side. You fluff a line at the beginning of this program, buddy and you better have money. Twinkle, twinkle, lovely star. With your talent you'll go far. Where can I find you? Tell me, pray. I'm on the air for RCA. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Facial. The Harris Alice Facial transcribed written by Ed James and Al Schwartz with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tethli, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharf in his music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight's Minor Masterpiece is entitled The Chaperone or Plug the Hole in the Silo Father The Corn is Leaking Up. First is a word from RCA Victor. The RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris It's evening in the Harris household. Of course, it's evening in a lot of other places too but it's still evening in the Harris household. At the moment, everything is peaceful and calm, but it won't stay that way for long. Elliot is waiting in the den and Phil, a happy little chappy is about to burst into song. Again? All I want to say is that I love you All I want for Christmas is some black eyed peas some black eyed peas Ed's some black eyed peas All I want for Christmas is some black eyed peas and maybe some chocolate covered chitlins All I want for Christmas is some southern ammo with a candy jam but leave off the spam Oh, hi, Elliot Who, room closed already? Well, what's the matter? You look like a hard knight in Las Vegas Girl, I'm in no mood for levity What? No jokes, please I got troubled Somebody unloaded your dice, huh? That's right, laugh at me Julius La Rosa never had a problem like mine But don't laugh that far You go ahead, laugh Wait a minute, wait a minute What I care about a thing like this? It's all over, Curly I'm finished Washed up You got married? Worse You know that old routine we used to do with the Dixieland Doozies? Who was that ladle I seen you with last night? That was no ladle, that was my knife Yeah, look, Elliot Don't worry, nobody's gonna hold that No, you don't understand, I got paid 20 bucks to do the routine at a club Oh, and Jack Webb's gonna slap you with a 419 What? 419 Taking money under false pretenses Nobody slapped me with anything I haven't even done the act yet Then stop worrying I can't do the act without a partner, can I? And I can't get a partner Anyplace I see what's coming Look, you know the routine Elliot, don't start with me now We wouldn't even have to rehearse, you know the whole bit Elliot, I ain't doing no cornball routine I'm getting too old to duck You don't have to duck We do it in back of a screen Elliot, in two words No My friend My pal I ask him to do one little favor Look, I ain't gonna do it Ten minutes, that's all it'll take Okay, ain't gonna do it Let him throw me in jail Well, you care They won't throw you in any jail Curly, I took the money, I'll wind up in the clink You won't wind up in the clink Not if I can help it You do the act with me? When do they allow visitors? Big joke I'm heading for the rock pile He makes jokes Elliot, the whole thing is so simple Give him back the 20 bucks Or tell him you got a better offer From Molotov's Hawaiian garden Curly, you see I met this jockey Tilt But it was a sure thing Bourbon boy How'd he finish? Fifth, maybe he needed a chaser Hey, Curly Look, you don't have to worry If you haven't got the 20 bucks I'll lend it to you I'll give it to you If you weren't 20 bucks to stay away From that corny routine we used to do Gee Thanks, Curly You know, Curly You're like a mother to me Don't let these curls fool you Oh, we're in here in the den, honey Hey, Curly, you won't forget about the 20 bucks I'll give it to you Bill, Phil, do you want to see something adorable? You got a new picture of me? It's little Alice Come on in, Angel Look, honey, Elliot and I have a little business too Wow How do I look, Dad? Well, I don't know What are you supposed to be? She's Madam Pompadour Oh Big the wig, man Hey They don't like it Oh, sure, we do, honey It's just, well, ain't it a little late to go trick-or-treating? Now, look, it isn't for Halloween Phil, little Alice is going to a masquerade dance with Sniffy Oh, she is Is she? Hey, look, Curly Give me the 20 bucks and I can go on Wait a minute, I gotta take care of this first Who said that she could go to a dance? Well, you're not going to start that again, are you? Why not? She's as much my daughter as she is yours Hey, Curly, just give me the 20 bucks I wouldn't care if she was 16 or 15 But she's only 14 She's a baby She's an infant She's one lipstick again Curly, if you don't have a 20 maybe two 10s I don't know why you're so upset Curly, notice that she looks like a side-order a ketchup But, Dad, it's the latest thing Riding hood red Oh, fine, now she carries her own wolf bait Maybe four fives, Curly Elliott 2010ies Phil, I don't understand You've always wanted little Alice to know the right people Sure, and who does she pick out? Sniffy That's nasal drip He can't help it, Dad He's allergic Allergic? He sounds like Niagara Falls with a slow leak Now, look, Phil, he's a very nice boy And besides, he's taking her to the finest country club in Los Angeles I wouldn't care if he was taking Lakeside? Exactly, Lakeside No kidding Guys, Curly, you've been trying to crash that joint for 10 years I never mind Now, honey, maybe I have been a little too strict with little Alice Oh, Dad It might be a good idea if she went properly chaperoned, of course Now you're talking, Curly After all, I am her father and even though it's going to cut in on my evening Father's first duty is to his child It isn't that I want to go to Lakeside Why not? It'd be a great place to go, Curly Well, you can't go to Lakeside It's a costume party Okay, I'll put on my good suit and go as a bum No, you don't have to worry about costumes, Curly I got the outfits from the act We can go as the cornball brothers Hey, that's right, Alice We'll wear those loud coats and the straw hats and we'll wait a minute, Roy Hold it What do you mean, we can go? So, you and I What? I thought you were such a hurry to pay back the 20 bucks, what happened with that? Well, there's no big rush Then what was this routine? 4-5, 2,000 pennies Well, I... I was figuring my income for next year 2,000 pennies? I'm expecting a good year Dad, I don't need a chaperone Really, I don't That's ridiculous Every girl needs a chaperone But they'll have a dozen chaperones at the dance They won't need you Oh, they won't, huh? Well, let me put it this way, little Alice What's coming up next week? Christmas Okay, what do we have on Christmas? A Christmas tree What goes under the Christmas tree? Presents And who gives you the best presents? Then Who's going to be your chaperone tonight? We don't need a chaperone This kid ain't too bright Well, as honey, you might as well face it If you want to go to the dance You've got a chaperone Gee whiz, what am I going to tell Sniffy? I don't know, you'd better think of something fast Let Sniffy in, Phil Honey, you know it's Sniffy Doorbell just waved a handkerchief Phil, let him in Okay, okay, I'll let him in Sniffy Well, maybe it's my fault I take a nip, she comes up with a drip Hello, Mr. Harris Hello, Sniffy Park your nose drops and come in Beautiful night, isn't it? Just the only snorkel I've ever seen Without a supper Hello, Sniffy Hello, Mrs. Harris Hello, Mr. Lewis Hi, Sniffy, old kid Hello, Sniffy Hello, Harris Don't look now, but you just inhaled your necktie I don't have a necktie, Mr. Harris Idiots never wear necktie You're supposed to be an Indian Naturally, Curly, he's a member of the Blackfoot tribes How do you know? Well, just look at his Pardon me, those are his galoshes Oh, great, an Indian with galoshes I think you look very nice, Sniffy Thank you, Mrs. Harris Abhayawatha Sounds more like Chief Rain in the face Mother will never get to the dance Well, let's go, I'm ready Sniffy, there's been a slight change in plans Mr. Harris is going with you As a chaperone Oh, that'll be great fun Well, Philip, you're going, you and Elliott Better get into your costume Mr. Lewis too? I'm gonna umpire on the bases All right, come on, Elliott Where'd you leave the corn boil costume? They're in my suitcase in the hall Well, let's get them and put them on Let's get this show on the road Okay, Professor, let's have the overture Great, so dear Gosh, he went to the movies with us once Then he kept talking to the people in the pictures Well, they were probably friends of his Mother Don't worry, honey, no, I'll come along later to make sure your father doesn't get in anybody's way You will? That'll be great, Mrs. Harris Do you have a costume? Well, I'll whip something up When? As soon as I finish my number, okay? When you kiss me Your love would ricochet Your lips would find another And your heart would go astray My many charms But then one day You ricochet To someone else's arms And baby I don't want a rickshaw romance I don't want a rickshaw love If you're careless with your kisses Find another turtle dove I can't live on rickshaw romance No, no, not me If you're gonna ricochet, baby I'm gonna set you free I knew the day I met you You had a roving eye I thought that I could hold you What a fool I was to try I promised you'd be faithful And you would never stray Then like a rifle bullet You began to ricochet And baby I don't want a rickshaw romance I don't want a rickshaw love If you're careless with your kisses Find another turtle dove I can't live on rickshaw romance No, no, not me If you're gonna ricochet, baby I'm gonna set you free Be a non-stop Be proud I was company And you free-ferred The other girls Just like a busy bee And when you finish Busy and cousin You buzz right back to me And baby I don't want a rickshaw romance I don't want a rickshaw love If you're careless with your kisses Find another turtle dove I can't live on rickshaw romance Baby, I'm gonna set you free Lakeside Country Club I finally made it I'm actually here Classin' lookin' dump, ain't it? Dump Are you kiddin'? This is the richest dive in the whole country You see that swimmin' pool? Solid gold And look at that welcome mat, solid mink The grass don't look so hot Grass? What's the matter, you nuts as something? You wanna use grass? What's all that green stuff? What is it? Shredded money Well, hand me a nibble, it can stand back All right, now cut it out Don't you understand? Mr. Harris, we got the car park Then stop blowin' your horn Nothin', nothin', let's get inside Come on, Elliot Oh, dad, I'm so excited Wait a minute, Alice Wait a second, Curly Gosh, Mr. Harris, why is Mr. Lewis Spelling the Lord? Elliot, for cryin' out loud Hey, Curly, you know that grass? What about it? That's grass! Elliot, you're gonna get me kicked out of the place Before I even get in But you said it was real Never mind what I said Crawlin' around on your hands and knees What are you lookin' for? A gopher with a deposit slip Will you please try to act like a gentleman? How I do that? Well, love Didn't you ever hear of Emily Post? I don't know if she was a gentleman Look! Now just watch anybody that you see around here That's all you have to do Just watch anybody that you see around here And then do just what they do Okay No Not sniffy Sir? I was talkin' to Elliot Now Elliot, will you please keep one thing in mind This is the finest club in the entire country The people who belong to this club Are the cream of society They don't let just anybody in here You gotta be a captain of industry A financial giant You gotta have background and breeding You gotta have culture Death in the afternoon Hey Julius, what are you doin' here? What am I? Cream of society, huh, Curly? Well, maybe it curdled a little Oh dear Captains of industry Background and breeding You've been doin' it too long See you later, Dad Come back here Julius, you're on a stand We're chaperones Ancestors shot arrows at John Alden His Aunt Nina cooked pizza On the Santa Maria Now wait a minute, Julius Let's make a deal I'll buy a couple of tickets You'll think if you don't let us in You'll be collectin' tickets at the Parley Gates We're right in our faces Next time I see that little punk I'll conk his quints What you worried, Curly? You know, there's more than one way to skin a cat Oh fine, what are we? Chaperones or taxi dermis Curly, just remember Stone walls do not a prison make Nor iron bars a case So what? We don't want to get out We want to get in Well, over there That's a good idea Come on We'll show that Julius We'll get in there and clobber Hey, here's a good window Come on, I'll give you a boost A boost? Me? What's the matter, you nuts or somethin'? No, I ain't nuts or somethin' That window's high Okay, so it's high Stand back and watch a super athlete To action You mean you're gonna jump it? Watch me, but Curly, here I go I still think you should have opened the window first Nervous sound man, huh? Come on, get in here, will ya? Okay, okay Sound man We'd better get out of here We're in the ladies' powder room We'll straighten your shoulder straps And let's go Here's the door, Curly Go ahead, open it up Okay, Curly, come on out Hello, boys You are boys, aren't you? Why, naturally I got a Boy Scout knife, see? Why, Mr. Harris You're pulling my leg I thought I was closing the door Hey, Curly, come on, close it Let's get going Uh, Madam, uh, honey, I Hey, Curly, that's Julius's aunt You remember the one who owns the brewery Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah Sure Yeah, yeah, hey Clara What are you doing here? Oh, uh I keep turning up like a bad penny I don't know, when I went to school Lincoln never looked like that That makes sense, Curly She owns a brewery and has a shape like a bottle of Coca-Cola Yeah He says the sweetest things Gee, Clara You sure look pretty in that dress and everything Oh, it's just something I threw on I've got news for you it almost missed Hey, Clara Uh, I was just thinking um Is the brewery in your name or your husband? It's in my name, Elliot Everything's in my name Uh, Clara How do you feel about Bigamy? Elliot, I was only asking Uh, say Curly There's one thing I ought to tell you Like what? Mr. Lewis, I'm so happy that you and your partner could make it What? Elliot, you mean this is where you booked the act? Now Curly, if you don't let me explain I don't want no explanation Now look, lady Oh, isn't he quaint? Lady I want you to listen to me now My friend shouldn't have taken the 20 clams I had no straight man and I ain't playing straight for no corn ball So take back your double thought and skip the whole routine Oh Really? Curly, she don't know what you're talking about Oh, yes I do Mr. Lewis But there are certain extenuating circumstances which preclude the possibility of cancellation at this belated hour Now I don't know what she's talking about It's very simple, Mr. Whatever your name is You go on in five minutes But lady, if you'll only listen You go on in five minutes, George Happy kid, huh? Yes, Curly Will you step back a little cause When I get through tearing Elliot into small pieces You stay where we are, Clare, don't move Now just a minute, please Elliot, will you stand still so I can slug those women? You'll hit Clare, you wouldn't hit a lady, would you? Boys, please, you'll tear my dress Elliot, you're a coward Boys, you're messing my bustle When I get hold of you, Elliot, I'm going to But I'm going to explain it, Curly, if you'd only listen to me I am not going to... Let's make them listen to me Honey, I... What are you playing? Ring around the chaperone? Just a minute, Alice, I can explain everything Oh, you'd better start Hello, Mrs. Harris You got here just in time You can say that again All right Hello, Mrs. Harris No, no! Now, will you please listen to me? Why should she? Do you listen to me? You keep out of this. Now, look, Alice, this Banjo Picker told him that I'd do that corny act with him You mean this is part of the act? No, I... Of course it is, Alice, of course it is That's what we were doing, rehearsing the act Weren't we, Curly? What act? Oh, yeah, yeah Yeah, that's what we were doing, rehearsing the act With Clara? Sure! We were just going over her lines Yeah Yeah Yes, sir, and... See, it's part of the act, honey We were teaching Clara the routine You're in the act, ain't you, Clara? I am Listen to that timing, Alice Ain't that terrific? She'll murder the people Oh, she'll pulverize them I've got news for you If you're frightened in the act Somebody's going to be pulverized Listen, gentlemen I know you're going to be surprised By what we have in store for you The next item on the agenda Was procured at great expense To provide the ultimate entertainment Ladies and gentlemen Boys and girls The Socatash Brothers And Clara The crazy little light Of the Silver Moon Oh, dig that moon I want a spoon Oh, dig that spoon To my honey, I'll pro-tone Ce-ce-boom I love that many-hanging moon Keepers shining in tune I love that tune You're still three beams We'll bring love's dreams We'll be coddled and stoned In a Cadillac, huh? Yeah I understand you're going out With a girl named Lorna Dune Well, you're close, I'm going out with her sister Nothing Dune Never none tonight Hey, Curly Do you know what a wave is? Oh, sure, a wave is a girl in the Navy And how about a whack? Well, that'd be a girl in the Army Okay, then what's a walk? A walk? I don't know, Elliot What is a walk? A walk is what you flow at Wavis She's a buzz off that one, Dad You came up with a fish Hey, Curly Hold on a minute, I'm just doing what they call a back evermore With a double pitch Now, what's on your mind? I understand you made a big hit kissing the girl I did, huh? How do you know? I just passed a couple of corine's And one of them said, there goes Phil Harris Boy, what a kisser Stick that one in a bottle, son It's a corker Now, Alice, what'd you think? I don't know Do you feel alright? I feel great, why? This is the first time in your whole life You've ever told me the truth Honey, I always tell you the truth If I don't make the building collapse Alright, Phil, Phil, stop holding on to the wall Just want to make sure Hey, Curly Over here, Elliot Hey, Curly, if I got great news for you You know who was in the audience? Abe First Fogel No Yes And he's booked us for a week at Lowe's Pismo B Phil, we'll be back in just a moment Ladies and gentlemen You were a wonderful, wonderful audience So much that we ran over Unlike now for Hey, all of you, first though, I want This young lady Is Jacqueline Fontaine Ladies and gentlemen She worked with me this year At the Sacramento State Fair And she's now, I think In about her seventh or eighth week At the encore, isn't it? I mean, the Crescendo Now, the Crescendo is next door To the Macamble if you get out that way And she is a wonderful entertainer And I don't have to tell you how she looks Ladies and gentlemen This is Jacqueline Fontaine Come on