 The Jack Benny Program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. Nothing. No nothing beats better tastes. And remember... Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. For Lucky Strike me. Time to back off, Richard. Same thing. Time to back off. Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! Best friends for real smoking enjoyment. Nothing. No nothing beats better tastes. And Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Here's why. You see, Lucky's better tastes starts with good tasting tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Then too, Lucky's are made better to taste better. To give you a cleaner, fresher, smoother tasting smoke. That's the secret of real smoking enjoyment. Lucky's fine tobacco. In a cigarette that's made better to taste better. So be happy. Go Lucky. Whenever you buy cigarettes, remember this. Nothing. No nothing beats better tastes. And... Lucky tastes better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Lucky Strike! Lucky Strike! The Lucky Strike Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours, Prilly Donwell. Ladies and gentlemen, it is now mid-December. And as is there custom every year at this time, Jack and Mary have gone to one of the local department stores to do their Christmas shopping. But, before we take you there, let us look in at the office of a prominent psychiatrist. Although, now they're ex-tease back on the couch and tell me what is your hallucination. But why are you afraid to go back to work? Doctor, it's no hallucination. It happens every year at this time. Just before Christmas. Every year. Just before Christmas. Ah, ah, ah, calmly, calmly, Mr. Blanks, don't get excited. Lay back on the couch now. Tell me, when did it first start? During the Christmas shopping rush in 1946. As I told you, I'm a salesman at the department store, and this kindly-looking blue-eyed old gentleman bought a gift. Then six times that day he came back, tested me, and exchanged it for a different model. What was the gift he kept exchanging? Shoelaces. He bought someone shoelaces for a gift? Yeah, for someone named Tom. Now, how could he possibly exchange shoelaces six times? Well, first he bought laces with metal tips. Then he came back because he thought plastic tips looked more modern. Soon he was back again. He was afraid the plastic tips might crack, so he went back to metal tips. Then he got to thinking the metal tips might rust, so he came back to change them to plastic tips. Six times he changed his mind. Lay back on the couch, not under it. Tell me, what did this man do the next year? Ah, the next year I was lucky. I didn't say him. Oh, he didn't come into the store? I don't know. I was in the sanatorium. Ah, definite, uh, traumatic psychosis. Now then you got out. Did you go back to your job at the department store? Yeah, but I was smart. I had him transfer me to the jewelry department. What was smart about that? Well, this old gentleman didn't look like the jewelry buying type. Then you did not see him last year? He found me, he found me. And more trouble? Yeah. Once again he came in to buy something for Don. This time it was cuff links. Well, that is good. Who could find anything wrong with cuff links? He found it, he found it. It was the engraving. First he had them engraved DW, so I wrapped them all pretty in Christmasy. Then he goes off happy and I am silently saying a prayer of pints. Ah, that is good. Not good. He discovers that DW has a middle initial. So first he buys the gift, then I engrave the gift, then I wrap the gift. Then he changes his mind about the engraving. So I unwrap the gift, I change the engraving, rewrap the gift. And then he changes his mind and wants cheaper cuff links. I'm sorry, doctor. Mr. Blank. Avoiding your work would cause repression. It should only magnify this in your subconscious. So you think I should go back to my job? But certainly you will probably never run into this aggravating man again. Well, I have taken precautions. This year I asked to be put in the gardening tools department. Gardening tools? Yeah. All these people live in the city. They have no use for anything like that. Good, good. You are facing your problem face to face with your face. But remember, should you ever meet this man any place, use psychology, be nice, be calm, be pleasant to him, and you will have no trouble. Don't worry, doctor. I won't see him. But if I do, I'll be calm and I'll be nice to him. Well, goodbye. Goodbye and Merry Christmas, Mr. Blank. Merry Christmas, doctor. I gotta hurry back to the store. Gosh, Mary, no matter how early you try to do your Christmas shopping, the store is always crowded. Yeah. Yet I can't start doing my shopping any earlier. I like to buy modern, up-to-the-minute gifts, you know. As far as I'm concerned, your gifts are ahead of the time. What do you mean? You gave me jewelry that turned green years before they had chlorophyll. No, stop. Now, let's see. I still have to buy lots of gifts. I'm going to the jewelry department to see if I can find something for my sponsor. Well, I've got to get something for my mother. I'll meet you out here later. Okay, Mary. Now, let's see. Where's the jewelry department? I think it's on the next floor. I wonder where... Oh, there's the floor walker. I'll ask him. Oh, floor walker? Floor walker? Can you give me some information? Ask me anything. I'm a talking horse. Oh, stop. You don't even look like a horse. Not now. There's a veterinarian in Denmark who does wonders. Or I'll go to the manager and report you. Now, look, I'm looking for a jewelry department. Will you tell me where to go? Yes, I'm looking for Christmas gifts from my mother and father. Well, this is the sporting goods department. How about some golf balls? No. Tennis racket? No. Hey, I've got an idea. What about a punching bag? Hey, that's great. Now, what would you suggest to my father? Just a minute, young man. You want to get this punching bag for your mother? Uh-huh. That's rather unusual. Has she ever had one before? No, she always used my father. You can send the punching bag and I'll impose a card to both my parents. Yes, sir. What's your address? It's on an orange avenue. The number is 3247 and a half. A half? Oh, oh, it's a duplex. No, it was hit by lightning. Wrap it up. I'll take it with me. Mary. Oh, here I am, Jack. You get a present for your sponsor? Yes, I sent him a nail file. You think that's a suitable Christmas gift for a sponsor? Well, for just any sponsor, no. But mine needs sharp fingernails, you know, so he can tear and compare. I'm sure you'll like it. I've already given you a bonus, and I bought Dennis's gift. Yeah, I wish I knew what to buy for Don Wilson. You ought to be easy to get something for Don. You know, he just moved into a new home. Get something for his house. No, I heard him mention that his entire home was furnished by an interior decorator. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Isn't Don's new home sort of a little ranch in the San Fernando Valley? Yeah. Well, why don't you get him some gardening tools? Yeah. Gardening tools? Why didn't I think of that? Say, Mary, I know what to get Don as a Christmas present, and he'll really appreciate it. What? A gopher trap. A gopher trap? Yeah, I heard him mention that his place is overrun with gopher. Come on, Mary, let's go. You go yourself. I'm going to buy a gift for Barbara Sandwick. I'll meet you at the perfume counter. Okay, Mary, I'll see you later. I don't know where I get a gopher trap. I wonder if that comes under funding equipment. Now, where's that floor walker? Oh, there he is, way over there. Oh, floor walker. Floor walker. Gardening tools department down in the basement. That crazy floor walker saying he's a horse. Well, I better get over to the gardening tools department. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what... Oh, excuse me, Clare. Yes, sir, what can I... Oh, it's yours. Wait on you. Thank you. I'd like to buy a gopher trap. Uh, yes, sir. Excuse me, I'll go get one for you. Hmm, you want your gopher trap? A gopher trap? What trouble can I get into with that? Here you are, sir. This is the most popular type of gopher trap. It looks so complicated. How does it work? Well, you open this little door and you set it with this wire, then you put a piece of tomato in this wire cage for bait. Well, that's fine. But wait a minute. What do you do with the gopher after you have them trapped? Well, you have to take them out and kill them. Hmm, that seems so cruel. Well, we have another type of trap that catches them and kills them at the same time. Oh, you have another kind of trap? Hmm, I have to tell them yet. Here it is, sir. How does this one work? Well, you spread these two sharp prongs apart and put a little gopher come sniffing around and walks in and that's the end of them. I'll take this one here that kills them. Wrap it up as a Christmas gift. Yes, sir. A Christmas gift. I'm giving it to someone for Christmas. Now, I want red and green ribbons and tinsel and everything. Okay, okay. And, clerk, enclose a card saying to Don, I know. I'll be back and pick it up later. Mary, when you get a wife and five kids, that's really a chore. I imagine it is. What are you getting the kids? Well, I'm getting both the girls' dresses and the two younger boys' electric trains. For my oldest boy, I'm getting a bicycle. Ooh, that's nice. Well, I thought so too, but he keeps complaining he thinks he's too old for a bicycle. Well, what does he want? Marilyn Monroe. No. Yeah. Well, I got some more shopping to do. You want to join me, Mary? No, I've got a wait here for Jack. Hey, that reminds me. I've got to buy Jack's present right now. It's kind of hard to figure out a gift for him. Have you got any suggestions? Well, how about something for his den? I mean, a picture, a book. Say, I know. I know what. I think I could get him a lamp to put on the table near his telephone. Yeah, he can use a lamp by that phone. Well, you're not kidding. It's so dark in that corner that twice I put a dime in the quarter slot. It'll save us all money. See you later, Mary. Mary. Sorry, but the store is so busy. Well, Jack, who else do you have to get gifts for? Well, I'll have to look at the list. Thank you, ma'am. That's $6.75. Yes, sir, that's $4 even. Yes, ma'am, $3 out of 10. Listen, Mary, they're playing our song. Oh, here's my list. Now let's see. Well, hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. Packages? Sure am. Hey, what's that big bundle there on the bottom? Oh, I just got that in the sports department. I like to go hunting occasionally, and I bought myself a tent. Oh, really? Single-breasted or double? Sportsman Quartet, and I bought for the sponsor. Oh, Don, a recorder is a wonderful gift for the sponsor. And I've got the entire cast recorded greetings. That is, everybody except you. Now, would you do it? Well, Don, let me hear what you've got first. Okay, I'll play it for you. That's the day that we met you. There is nothing, no, there's nothing, nothing that I like. As well as manners, shepherds of bits, and good old look. F is for your friends and T for ties they give to you. Dublin and Killarney and the shawls of Galway Bay. Oh, nothing serious, but this morning she went out in the garden and saw a dead gopher. The mere sight of it made her faint, but she'll be all right. She's fainted at the sight of dead gopher. So what? So what? Mary, I bought down the type of trap that kills the gopher. Well, what do you want to get? The kind that lifts their feet up and taps them on the po-po? I'm alive. Wait here, I'll be right back. Oh, clerk, clerk, yes sir, I got your package right here. It's gift-wrapped and tied with tinsel ribbon. Just a second, I'll get it for you. Oh, don't get it, I've changed my mind. Well, I want to exchange it for the kind that captures the gopher's alive. Look, mister, there's really no difference. I'm sorry, I don't want the trap that kills the gopher. What are you, Kay? You don't know him personally. It took me ten minutes to wrap that gopher trap as a gift with all the tinsel and ribbons. I do. Look, I'm sorry, I don't want the trap that kills them. I like to be kind to animals. Why don't you try it with people? Nothing, nothing. I must be polite. I'm sorry, sir. Good. Now, gift-wrap one that catches the gopher's alive and I'll be back. I know, I know. Mary said she'd wait here. Well, since she's not here, I'll go over to the lingerie counter and buy some stockings for my sister Florence. See, I think Florence wears size... Hey, Bun. Bun. Huh? Come here a minute. Who, me? Yeah. Where you going? To the lingerie counter. I'm going to buy some stockings for my sister. What kind? Nylon. Uh-uh. Huh? Get silk stockings. Why? Silk will give you a run for the money. Well, I don't know. I don't think I'll get her stockings. Maybe I'll get her something else, something real nice. What do you think of a sheer negligee? A great showbath. See, look, fella, every time I run into you, you're taught me on trains, apples, candy, everything but horses. So what? Look, Santa Anita is going to open in a couple of weeks. So for once, why don't you give me a tip on a race? Okay. I've got a great horse for you on opening day. You have? What is it? Floor Walker in the second. I saw him and he's carrying too much weight. Yes, so long, bud. So long? I always run into that guy. I wonder where Mary is. Hey, there's Rochester doing some shopping. I bet he's buying something for me. I'm going to eavesdrop and see what he gets me. May I wait on you? Yes, sir, I'm looking for a Christmas gift for my boss. Well, your boss, eh? How about a tie? No, he has lots of those. Well, how about a wallet or a money clip? Money clip? What's a money clip? No, it's a thing to hold your folding money. I've never had any that holds. It's a spring-like metal clip that holds your money tight. He's got a fist that does that. Wait till I get Rochester hold. Hi, Jack. Oh, hello, Bob. Doing your shopping, too, I see. Yes, Jack, and as a matter of fact, I've gotten all the gifts for everybody except Don Wilson. Do you have any suggestions? No, I had a tough time deciding on a gift for Don Z, myself. I finally got him something for his ranch, you know, a gopher trap. Well, that's different, anyway. And it makes a sensible gift. Everybody wants to kill those little pets. Oh, this isn't the kind that kills them. You see, this catches them alive. Jack, those kind aren't any good. Why, if the gopher is in there a long time, he bites his way out and he gets away. Oh, you mean the traps that kill them are better? Well, certainly. Well, excuse me, Bob. I've got to take care of something. Merry Christmas, just like the ones I used to. Hello, Mr. Blank. How is it going? Huh? Oh, hello, Doctor. Did that blue-eyed gentleman find you? Like he had radar. He comes over here to buy a gopher trap. A simple little thing like a gopher trap. First he decides I want to catch him alive. But I made a mistake. Before I wrapped it, I let him know we also had the kind that kills him. So I sell him one of those. Then I wrap it and put pencil and ribbon on it and he goes away. Then he comes back and he makes me unwrap it because he wants the kind that catches them alive. No, no, no, no. Control yourself. Control yourself. Here, take this little pill. It will calm your nerves. I can't take a pill, Doctor. There's no water here. I can't leave my conditon in this rush. Please, I am the doctor. You go take the pill. I'll wait on any customers who come along. Okay. Oh, yes, may I help you? Yes, I... Where's the other clerk? He has gone for a little while. Perhaps I can take care of you. Well, yes. I have a gopher trap here. Wrapped as a gift. Oh, here it is. Merry Christmas. Oh, just a minute. I don't want this one. I want the other kind. But, Mister, this is all wrapped up with the pencil and ribbon. I'm sure the gopher will like it just as well. But, look, I don't want this kind. See, it traps them alive. I want the kind that kills them instantly. Very well. I guess that's the kind. Here you are. I don't want it like that. I want a gift wrap. Isn't that kind of silly? No, never mind. I'll just wrap it up. All right. Look, not so much red ribbon. Get some more greens. Look, Mister, it's Christmas, not St. Patrick's Day. Yes, here you are. Thank you very much. Wait a minute. You forgot to take the card out of the other one and close it in this one. Can't you put another card on the outside? No, no, no. I want the original card. You see, the one that I had something written on there. So unwrap the first trap. Take the card out and unwrap the second trap. Put the card in, then rewrap the second trap. What is this? First you make me wrap the second packet. Then you want me to unwrap the first one. That's right. Take the card out. Unwrap the second one. Put the card in. More tins and more ribbon. Not so much red, more greens. Unwrap the second one. You get upset too easily. You want to see a psychiatrist. I am a psychiatrist. And remember, when it comes to your own enjoyment of a cigarette, nothing, no nothing, beats better takes. And luckies taste better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. That's because luckies are made of fine, mild, good tasting tobacco. LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And luckies are made better to taste better. Made round and firm and fully packed. To draw freely and smoke evenly. 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