 Welcome to the Score Channel. I'm your college counselor. Today we're doing some more essay reviews. Cannot wait to show you, take a look at what you've been working on. I'm excited. I think it's gonna be fun. We did a lot of these in the last session and I have a whole bunch more that were sent to me that I need to get through today. So that is what we're doing. We're gonna start looking at some personal statements. Let's get to it right down here. So our first one here, let's see. Let's take a look at this one a little bit. Start up Fortnite, okay. Interesting choice already. I wanna see where this goes. I have personal feelings about Fortnite that I won't try to let cloud my judgment. Okay, game WWE game, all right. Okay. Come home from school, got, all right. So you're enjoying your Fortnite experience a lot. That's cool. Skill level gets better. Slamming to the controller. As a Rocket League player, I can relate to this a lot. I feel like this is very relatable that way. I understand the pain, you know, like when you think you're good and then it gets bad. Okay, so the escape was the gym, all right. So you switched up your activity to something that was more fulfilling here. Okay, couldn't lift it all. Congrats on the lifting. I think that's good for you. Is all positive, okay. Perfect, wanna form. Now I'm not 100% sure what the word count is. I'm gonna crack open a word doc and see if I can't figure that out. Okay, so I think that we have here. Let me just try to get a word count for me because I just kinda wanna see where we're at here. It felt a little long. Yeah, 660 is what I got here. So there's some stuff we need to trim here. Now, Fortnite, let's talk about this for a second. So video games, I mean, there's nothing wrong with writing about video games and like things that you do in your spare time and how those things maybe have shaped your point of view on certain issues, you know? But I think there needs to be more reflections and less backstory here if you're gonna write about this topic. Like this here has a whole lot of backstory of like your evolution in the Fortnite space, right? Starting out like having a bunch of fun but then, you know, people get good and then you get upset. Now, I think that there's, you should probably try to summarize that part of it more and look at like, try to analyze this more. What was it about the anxiety and jealousy and arguments? Like you talk about all these negative feelings that come out from it. Where was that coming from? Like was it because you just were super competitive? Was it because the community is kind of toxic in online video games? Like what do you think was driving those negative feelings? And then, you know, I think that would set up the contrast better with the gym in terms of like how you found a very supportive community and you felt more motivated and you saw the progress. Like I feel like we need more contrast, you know? More contrast between these two things. Like so that we can understand what you learned from it. Instead of just describing the two experiences, you know? I feel like you have here like a lot of, you know, detail about the two experiences, but you don't quite get into what they taught you or how they have changed you moving forward, you know? Like you say here, I learned the competition is not meant to be taken seriously, but it should keep things fun. So I feel like this is like the only major reflection in this whole thing. And so I have some questions. Like how will this relate to your university experience? For example, like have you thought about that at all? Because I think that's an important thing to consider. Like universities maybe have competitive environments. You're probably gonna be applying to some competitive universities. Can you think of how those two things are connected? Can you try to bring more connections to like your personal life now and in the future? Because otherwise it just kind of feels like, okay, I went through this one activity, I didn't like it anymore, I switched to another, I like that one more. And so I want deeper understanding from this, you know? Yo, RJ, good question about the college is asking for a resume or a CV. I actually made a video about that last year about CVs and how a lot of them suck. So you can check that out. You should put the same stuff you have in Common App honestly for like activities, but keep in mind you can put more stuff in a CV. Usually it's two pages max. So try to limit yourself to two pages. If you do more than that, you better have a really good resume. Like otherwise it's gonna seem like you're not very self-aware. So you don't wanna do like a super long one. So niche and beast, thank you guys for being here. Appreciate the people in the house right now. So okay, so that's how I feel about this first one. I think we gotta get more reflections out of this essay in order to make this one better. All right, let's go down the next one here. All right, this one's called Asset. Asset. All right, let's take a look at this boy. All right, so 646, okay, we're cool. All right, so, all right, little brother Alican, cool. All right, so we're starting over the family member. Okay, and some of the health problems that he's had. All right, good. We spotted something that you appreciate about him and how that has affected you. All right, I think this is a good way to start the sort of beloved family member essay. We're gonna focus a little bit on maybe what you've learned by working with your brother, I like that. Okay, so the health issues, but now he's not feeling good, but then you also see yourself in that, okay. So, all right, being the bigger brother here, it seems like you've got like this perspective that your brother doesn't have. All right, okay, comparing it to your struggles of computer science. All right, he's got, okay, you see how he connected with some other people and you're learning from him. I like this, I think this is pretty good. The, like I like that it shows a lot of those things that you've taken away from your brother and things that you've tried to give to your brother in that way, I think that's solid. So, this here is maybe what I was kind of wondering about. Again, as I often say, I think it's good to think forward to the future. I like this, I think there could be some more like detailed descriptions of some of these events. You know, and a little, again, less summary, less history. All right, like, you know, you've got this information about like his medical history and stuff like that and some of how, and then you kind of explain a little bit of how some of the things that you appreciated. What I might encourage you to do here is pick two or three adjectives about your brother. Almost like as if the way I would structure sort of like a letter of recommendation. Like I would think about two or three things that I really want to highlight. So if it's resilience, for example, and like adaptability is something that you mentioned later on, I think that was another good one. Like when you talked about this idea here of him being kind of nimble and adaptive, like maybe we should paint a scene from one of those. Like we could start this with a scene of your brother in the hospital, you know, overcoming some problem and you having that emotional reaction right there. Like this is one of those essays where I feel like you need to show more than you tell. And right now we got a lot of telling, but like I would love to see this scene. I'd love for you to start with something very visual. You know, show me him struggling to walk. Show me him like struggling at a hospital or doing something really positive despite the circumstances. Like I think starting with that would be better. And then, you know, thinking about those attributes that you have acquired from your brother, I think would be great. And more than just your mentor relationship and more your support, I mean, you could focus on that, but I think it's more interesting to focus on you for this essay. So what is it that you have acquired from your brother and how has that changed you? You know, I think that would ideally be like the way to go with this. So there's some good stuff here, but I think we need to make it a little more visual to make it more engaging. I think you should try to focus on just a couple of things so that it's a little more like concentrated and you know, keep the focus on you, right? What is, what have you learned and how have you applied it in your day to day? Because again, like, we don't just wanna talk about other people. So I need to make sure that like if I'm talking about my brother's, let's say resilience and I've learned that from my brother, how can I show that I've learned that in my life? That's clutch, that's key. All right, so not bad. I like this. It's got a good skeleton. I think you just need some more meat on the bones. All right, this one's next. I'm trying to get through as many as I can today because I got a lot of submissions from last time. Thank you all for sending your essays. I really appreciate it. So I'm just going in order of those who sent them to me last time. There's a bunch that I didn't get around to. So yeah, let's take a look at this lightning. All right, cool. It's a, for some reason, right justified. This is an interesting choice of presentation to write. Right? Yeah, it's right. Wait, it says it's left justified. Why is it weird? Yeah, all right. It looks like you got it. Right, right justified. Kind of an odd choice, but okay. So, all right, lightning. Okay, all right, so I like what we got here. First of all, this, I mean, we got a couple of good like descriptive lines here about the, you know, lightning and the way it impacts things. And I like how you describe the little details of how you would react to the lightning here. I do feel like you could just present this in first person. I feel like the third person presentation is often a little bit, I don't know. I don't usually like that personally. I think it's better to just be first person and keep the focus on yourself directly. But okay, so then we got that. And then we have this point here about, okay, seeing like the existence of God, but then questions that you weren't allowed to ask. Interesting. All right, okay. Challenging the truth. I like this. I can relate. Okay. So I like this curiosity, right? This is a really good example of showing something here. Cause this is such a great, like honest, right here, this is a great, honest example. Like, how would you first show that curiosity, that question that you wanna ask that is kind of forbidden, kind of not supposed to be asked cause we were supposed to have faith and you type it into Google, but you kind of like run away from it. I like that. That's a really good like scene right there. And that's a very honest way of explaining it cause that is what you would do, right? You throw it in Google and see what comes out and then kind of like, ah, run away. I like it. Okay. So yeah, all right. And then you, okay, decided to be a researcher. Okay, interesting. So this idea that we need to question things and that we wanna change things, I think that's great. All right. Okay. Pretty cool. I got a couple of thoughts. Could we maybe do something with this lightning idea here cause it feels like you kind of came up with it right at the end to sort of bring it back to the start. And I feel like this didn't have any connection to this, to the stuff about God. So like, I really would love to see you develop that in that first paragraph. Like, I mean, and it's easy actually. There's like an easy layup here for you to put in the hole. Like lightning could be seen as a symbol of God's power. It's something that is kind of cosmic and divine and mysterious. And like you could totally set that up in that first paragraph. I mean, you could even like say that, this was an evidence of God's power. And here even like, when you say, look around you, don't the sky, the mountains are very selves. Like, yo, change this to lightning. Like when you see lightning, don't you? Like we could set it up a little bit, you know? We could have like a couple more nods to the lightning idea. Cause otherwise this, this is cool, but it feels so disconnected from the rest. Like it needs a little more of a connection to the rest of your story. And I think there's an easy connection you could make. So my suggestion for this one would be like, let's just tie that idea of lightning into that idea of sort of questioning God and questioning beliefs. I think that like you describe your journey of discovery really, really well. It makes total sense with your future goals. Like I like that a lot. I just want to see more connection to that first idea because otherwise it just feels, ah, like there's something missing. There's something missing in between those first couple paragraphs. And it kind of threw me off. So I wanted to kind of flow a little more with some connections between those ideas. But otherwise I like this one a lot. I think this one's solid. So we can make it work. Yeah, if you don't know how to connect it, like for me, I really just think that the key here is like, you know, could we throw something in here that says like that this came from the sky. This came from God, like something like that. Cause like all we need is a connection between lightning and God, which again, I feel like it's pretty simple. I mean, I don't know if it's always perceived that way in other religions, but I always know like my parents used to joke as Christian parents. They would joke that if I did certain things, God would hit me with lightning. So like for me, I see some pretty clear connections. I think that you could use. So that's what I think would work. And again, you could even be done here where the social studies teacher, I mean, you're so close, right? Don't the sky, the mountains are like right here, you've got like an easy opportunity to like slip the lightning in there and sort of spin it as an example of God's power. And then that would work. I think that would be like the way to go. So yeah, I like this one. I think there's a lot of potential in this one. Just need to close off that connection a little bit better. All right, let's go next. Let me see. These two phone numbers I wrote down are like very, very similar. All right, here we go. So, Satyam's draft here. All right, let's drop this over here. Bam, all right. Let me embiggen a little bit for y'all. Okay, can I get a little bit more embiggen? Maybe a little bit more, like fit? Yeah, that'll work. All right, okay, Sylvia Plath, like a bat purple fig. Okay, I don't know this reference. Maybe I'm ignorant, but I don't know that Sylvia Plath reference. So that's kinda thrown me off just a little bit. Keep in mind, you wanna maybe sometimes give a little bit of context to some of your references because sometimes the reader may not understand it. So I'm not 100% sure who we're talking about here. I don't know that reference specifically. If you guys know in the chat where that is, let me know. And GMR, by the way, so at the moment I'm gonna put a post up requesting more submissions, but I have like 20 I need to try to get through today. So I don't think I'm gonna make any more today just for the record, like, we'll have another session for sure in October, but I gotta figure out when I can do it. So I'm not taking like more at the moment just cause it's like I have so many to get through that I haven't been able to. All right, so, okay. There's a little change here in like the environment, sort of some of the things you used to think you would do. Start taking apart a radio. All right, okay. Start taking apart the computer. All right, I like that. Let me see, what's our word count here? 669, we got a little bit to cut. All right, so I guess first things first, I didn't quite click with this initial reference. I wasn't really sure what the reference was and so that made it difficult for me to kind of understand what you were trying to set up there. I like that you kind of play with some of these like childhood ideas looking up at the sky, thinking you'd be a pilot, maybe imagining yourself in soccer or karate sports, right? So I think that's a good start to like the setup, right? But obviously, yeah, life changes things and plans change and I think you could even like cut out this little bit here cause you have however, however, and I think that we wanna jump right into that change, right, this old radio, right? Like this is where the journey really begins when you're taking apart this radio and then take it apart the house computer and getting yelled at by your family. This part could be summarized a lot more to give you more space to like reflect, I think. You know, this like, for example, like the detail of your sisters is three musketeers and unlike how you got that off, I think you could just get to it, like, you know, summarize it quickly, right? Like you don't have to necessarily explain what was making you want to take it apart, right? But I think here I would get into like, okay, you know, I made it my plan to take apart the family computer, right? Cause I wanted to see how it worked. There you go. One sentence that like sums up all this text that I've highlighted here, right? And then you could go into, you know, what you saw and then, okay, there's this fact that like, yeah, you got caught. Now, this here I think is interesting because you get into this idea of like getting caught, kind of being punished for it, but still having the desire to do it. And I think that that could be something interesting to continue to pursue as well in your essay, like understanding that there will be setbacks, understanding that you're gonna have to encounter new things and there's a certain mindset that will benefit you in this process. So I think it would be good to kind of keep going into that idea of like what you've learned from these experiences. I think that like here you take sort of a, you started focusing again on like schoolwork and things that it kind of changes the tone. I would try to stay focused on, you know, like this idea. This stuff here really summarizes everything you've already said. So I don't think it's that necessary. I want you to add new stuff. Don't restate things because those words are valuable. You could be talking more about some of the things you want to do with this in the future. Like what would you like to see yourself doing with this area of studies? Like there's a lot of computer science applicants, you know? So where do you see yourself fitting into that world in the future? What are the things you dream of taking apart and learning about? Like there's, you have like a really good example of your curiosity, but then we go away from it. So I wanna know like where your curiosity goes. Like tell me what else fascinates you, what else you want to do? And that is gonna resonate with the university representatives as they read this. Cause if you're choosing your university as well, they're gonna go, okay, he can definitely do that stuff here. He's gonna get those experiences here. He will feel comfortable here. And that's important to transmit. So I like some of the stuff in the body here. I just want us to keep focusing on that future. Instead of going backwards, this goes backwards. This whole part here kind of goes in reverse. So I wanna go forward. And then I would rethink the intro here and see what you could do about this. Cause I didn't get it. So that's something I would have to work on here. Let's go to next. Making good progress. I like it. All right, here we go. 718, we got some cutting to do. All right. Okay. Thrilling showdown, energy, the room crackled. Beads of sweat. Last part of the same zone. Okay. All right. Playing some doodle. Nice. Okay. I like this setup as like, this is a good family activity. Something you did regularly. I think that could be useful. I like these interactions with the family and the way they kind of show off your attitude of being kind of carefree, fun loving. I like this. This is good. I always like a good use of parentheses for a little bit of humor. This was a good use of that right here. Like, you know, sort of subverting my expectations. You're sounding all positive about, you know, accepting defeat. Then also, I want revenge. I like that. That's realistic. That's solid. So, let's see here. Warm summer's day. Okay. Some nostalgia. Okay. So I think this one is also an essay that would benefit from a little bit more focus. We touch on a few different things that I think are interesting, but we also need to kind of like focus it a little bit more. You know, you talk about this idea of, first of all, like, you know, it being a source of fun for your family, these like games being, you know, fun times and sharing laughter and learning, you know, to just enjoy being together. You touch on that as well when you kind of throw this idea out there about, you know, being able to kind of make things fun. And again, laughter and joy. So I feel like you, you got that idea developed twice, right? And I feel like I would want to maybe develop something else or one of these other ideas better, right? You kind of go back to this idea of adaptability. Things are unpredictable. Can we apply this in another context? You know, can I get an example of a dice roll in life, not just on the board game where you didn't get the result you wanted and you had to adapt and you had to overcome something. Can we get a situation where you failed and still manage to stay persistent and succeed? Like there are, there are some things you could do with this that would apply it more to other contexts. And again, whenever we want to talk about something we've learned from like our activities, we always want to think about how we can show that knowledge in another context. Can I apply what I learned to something else? Because if so, it looks like I really learned it, you know? And it, especially if I can do so within a context that's a little more college-like, academic-like, social, you know? So I feel like you have some good ideas of lessons, but I'm not seeing those lessons so much in other aspects of your life. And I think that then going into like this idea of nostalgia kind of distracts me a little bit, you know, from that main idea, right? So cherishing laughter, camaraderie would be the better term here instead of comradeship. So again, good lessons. I feel like you got a clear idea of where you got those from. I like the idea of using the board game to sort of set that up with a nice family scene, but then I want to see more of how you apply those things in other parts of your life. I want to see more of like your, you know, not just with your family, but like with other people, with other contexts, how have you put these lessons to use? I think that's really, really important. Like, you know, because I want to be convinced that will convince me a lot more if you do it that way. You know? All right, I got a submission from Peru. Let's go Peru. I got, all right, let's see. Hang on. I got so many numbers from Peru, it takes a minute. There we go. All right, let's crack open this doc. Oh no, it says I need access. Hang on, I'm gonna request that access and see if I can get that one later, and we'll come back to that. I should have checked that before. I usually assume people are gonna send it to me with like a link that I can view. I almost think I did open that one and it was good before, but maybe not. All right, let's look at this one. Hang on, I gotta copy and paste it out of WhatsApp. Let me grab this big boy. Drop her in here, I'm just gonna drop her in here. All right, so we're at 635, cool. All right, let's go here. Okay, carbon monoxide poisoning. All right, hang on. You said carbon monoxide and then you said carbon dioxide, so you better check that because that's, I'm not scientist, but yo, yeah. Okay, so, and yeah, for your question, GMR, how many words is perfect? There are 650 words that you're allowed to use. I always recommend trying to be within 5% of that total. You don't have to use exactly 650. In fact, I often encourage you to use just a couple less, like just because sometimes when you put things into Common App, it reads the number of words differently. Sometimes I've seen that happen before to people. Generally speaking though, if you're doing like less than 600, it kinda looks like, I mean, you're leaving space on the table. You wanna take advantage of every space they give you. So it doesn't have to be 650. Don't add stuff just to get it to 650, but if you're at 625, you're fine. If you're at 615, you're fine. If you're like 585, that's about a 10% gap. So now you should probably be writing more. So, okay, first of all, we got a confusion here with the carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide. So just be careful with that because that throws me off right away. I'm going, wait a second. You just said this and now it's this. So I don't know which one it is. But okay, this is pretty tragic. A lot of people lost their lives and I like that this bothered you. All right, so, okay, battery to a motor. I like this, yeah, the magnet in front of the car. I've seen this in like memes with like a plane. You know, like the magnet pulling up the plane, which I think is kind of funny. Yeah, right, that doesn't work. So, okay. So again, I'm not 100% sure what the connection is going to be here between this experience of you trying to build a solution and then this situation. Like I wonder about like, okay, you know, where does this fit in with the main story that you're talking about here, right? Okay, so wind turbine for old fan. Yeah, sure, you can do that because it's pretty much the same thing in the opposite direction that works. All right. Okay, needed to learn how to like change the angle of the blade, use a different material. All right, so I feel like this, oh, this is interesting. Okay, so at first I was gonna say this is getting a little bit too descriptive of like the details, the scientific details, but then if you've got something that actually got funding for this idea, that's pretty cool. All right, all right. So, I think here there's a few different things. So you describe a problem that you would like to solve. You describe a failed attempt to solve a problem. Then you have a completely different problem in Mongolia that you want to solve and then you describe a more successful result for that problem. I think that you should try to focus more than if you really wanna solve Mongolian problems like focus your essay, which problems do you wanna solve? What problems do you think you can solve with your education? Why are you going for those problems? Why do you care about them? What are you passionate about? Because it's not clear to me what you're passionate about here. Like I see that you care about the people and you care about like your country and the people in it, but like what is the thing that really moves you? You know, what do you really wanna accomplish here? Cause I get different ideas from this. I get this idea of like, oh, well maybe it's like government. Like this could have been a essay about public health. This could have been an essay about like public policy, right, safety laws, things like that. Like that was kind of where I thought we were going when you started with this carbon monoxide thing. So like I want you to, you know, I want you to focus it on the things you wanna solve. I want you to focus on what you wanna do. Cause I got two different ideas and I also think the failed experience in the middle like needed more connection to the successful experience. Like what exactly did you learn in that first case where you tried to build that car and how did you use that experience to succeed in the future? So I think you need to remove some of these things either either maybe get rid of this because I don't see it connecting to other things, right? You could start with this failed experience but then what did you learn and how did you put it to use to solve another problem or to address another issue, right? And then where do you see your education helping you in the future? Like and what problems are you most passionate about? I think that's what's kind of missing right here is it feels a little unsure of where it wants to go and doesn't quite give me like, the first paragraph leaves me really asking a lot of questions cause I don't know why that comes up when you go and address different problems. So try to make sure there's like that coherency between the things that you are writing about and the problems that you want to solve. All right, let me see here. Bento sent his in last time and I wasn't able to get to it. These are all so far stones that people sent me last time that I haven't gotten to. So this is for Bento right here. Let's do this thing. All right, oh man, mechanical keyboards. A man after my own heart. I just cleaned mine up this morning cause it was, you know, chattering a little bit. Ooh, vintage IBM model, look at you. Yeah, those are classics right there. Okay, yep. See, this is where you're a bigger man than me. I just, I've never gotten good at soldering. So the one thing, one technical thing I don't really know how to do at all. I've only ever burned myself and destroyed things. Okay. So this is interesting. So you started a YouTube channel. I would like throw it in parentheses right here. Drop the name, go ahead and drop the name. Encourage them to look it up by doing that. Like go ahead, you know, don't be shy. Like go ahead and just put it out there and make them curious and make them maybe want to go, you know, look it up. Okay, so try to build your own. This is a pretty big project. I like this. Yeah, this would be complex. This would be complicated. Okay, I like this a lot so far. This is a good lesson to learn. Most people don't care as much as you think they do. Very true. Okay, I like this a lot. I think there's a clear passion for this thing and I like how you've applied that passion to something in the form of content creation. I like that you explain how content creation has changed you as a person in terms of like confidence and feeling more comfortable with public speaking. Yeah, I mean, now I will, I'll be honest, I obviously empathize a lot with this because I'm with you, you know, on this front. But like, yeah, I think this is solid. I think you have a really good essay here. I like the way that you've developed it. It does a good job of setting up like the growth, right? Sort of starting out with this, you know, fascination with the keyboard, sort of discovering a vintage one and then getting more into it with the community and like, you know, some of the things you tried to do and then, you know, getting into the YouTube space with it and I think it would be interesting to go into a little more detail about that. Like I said, put the channel name in here somewhere. I think you could summarize a little bit more of this stuff, you know, like for example, you don't necessarily have to explain all these terms. Like keep in mind that the person reading this is probably not going to understand all of that. So you could just maybe summarize some things like in here, you know, I got involved with the mechanical keyboard community online and, you know, started repairing vintage keyboards and like trying to, you know, fix ones with my own hand. Like, so you could summarize that a little bit more to make some space. And then I think that this part here about actually building your own, that's a pretty intense project. Like I would go as far as to say, where can I see this? And like tell them, I would straight up tell them in your essay where they could go see this. Like if you have it on an Instagram account or if you have it on a YouTube video, like I would straight up say, if you want to see the culmination of my work, here you go. Like I would literally do that because I think that it really shows a lot of confidence to put your work out there and you've got the content creation thing. So go ahead and use it, like show them what you know, show them what you've done. I think they may never click on it. They may never look it up, but it's gonna stick in their mind that they should. They're gonna think, I would like to check that out. If I get a few minutes, I wanna check that out. And that's all it takes because now you're in their memory. You're like in their brain, even after they finish reviewing essays for the day and reviewing applications, they're gonna think about your thing. And I feel like that's the kind of thing that can keep you from getting a straight rejection, can keep you on a wait list, can keep you like in the discussion for an admission. You know, I hope you get the admission straight away, but like this helps, this will help you out by keeping them interested in what you're producing. And I think it's really interesting what you've done here. So, and I love the growth explanation of it. So I really like this a lot. I think that you should probably lean more into the results of your content creation and just take a little bit away from some of the back story to try to get us there faster. But nice job, nice job. Loving it. Yeah, so if you have a video trying, that's a good question. If you have a video and you wanna share it, there's a couple of things you can do. One thing I like to do is you can put that in the additional content, additional information section of Common App. You could like leave a link. You could just, you know, say, hey, if you're interested in checking out my channel for my stuff, you can go here. That would be a good way to do it. I've also made a little video interview here. You can do that. There is a service called Initial View that does like pre-recorded videos and interviews that go out to a bunch of universities, but it is expensive. I don't know that I would necessarily recommend it for everyone, but it's called Initial View. And basically you can upload like your own little personal video plus like a recording that they do as like an interview, like one interview to send to all the universities. It's an extra thing. I personally don't think it's like something totally worth spending a ton of money on because it's like a couple hundred bucks, I think. But you can check it out. There's, I think the best way would probably be for me, like I would put it in my CD also and have like a link to the portfolio in there because you can upload a PDF with links in it, right? So people could just click on that. That would be a good way to do it. But yeah, additional information section could be good. Mentioning it in your essays could be good. Like, again, there's no guarantee they're gonna go look that stuff up, right? But they might. And I think especially the schools that have more time will. So I would definitely recommend you check that out. All right, good stuff. Yeah, I had another one from an Abigail who sent me a few different versions and so this is the latest and greatest version. Let's check it out. All right. Okay, knees weak, arms is, yeah. Palms are sweaty, it's eight mile. Uh-huh. All right, opens his mouth but the words won't come out. All right, it does sound like you are quoting lose yourself, just a little bit. Then again, I am from Detroit, so it happens. All right, so we got a failed debate scenario. Not wanting to participate much. Got it. The debate classes weren't helping. Wasn't able to get it going. Okay, dance group. All right, so getting into a dance group to kind of learn to overcome some of that. That's good. Now did it love? All right, cool. All right, so I like that we're going into this. Now I will say this, I think that this is one of those cases where it's difficult to make a connection between your dance and building competence and computer science and cybersecurity and that stuff. It's kind of hard to like bridge that gap, because I would have to ask some questions of like where did that tech in interest come from? Was that there from a long time ago? Because you started out with debate, you didn't really start with technological stuff. So it's a little confusing, just a little bit. Like you mentioned tech summer school, but I'm not sure exactly where the tech stuff comes from. I think it's good what you've done with it, and I think that this stuff is cool. At the same time, I feel like it's now going into that territory where I'm like listing things that I've done, like I did the International Women's Day Celebration, the tech girls challenge, the cyber girls training, like there's, you're starting to sort of list activities in here. So maybe what would be good to do this is, like here's an idea, right? Why don't you start with a scene of you doing some of this stuff for other girls who are interested in STEM, right? Why don't you start with a scene where you're training girls or in the cyber girls training? Why don't you start with a scene where you are, encouraging girls to do STEM? Like show me that, show me you speaking on stage, telling people to consider these careers. And then let's go back quickly to when you were in debate class in high school and how you couldn't speak in front of everyone and how you would melt down and cry. Show me the contrast, show me who you are today, and then show me who you were before. And that way I can appreciate that contrast, right? And I think then you could summarize how you got there a little bit more. You could go like, yeah, I ended up taking dance lessons, I had to be in front of people, and little by little I got confidence, and I started doing more things to improve that, right? But then we can keep the focus more on where that interest in tech comes from and why you wanna continue to do that stuff. So I think it's good that you have this growth and development, but I think you spend a lot of time on the past of when it wasn't working. I want to start by seeing it work. Show me how well it's going now. Go back to where it wasn't well. Quickly summarize how you progressed and improve that. Because here's the thing, that fear of public speaking, that anxiety of being in front of others is extremely normal, it's also very common, and it's typical at that age, like most people don't naturally want to speak in public. It really goes against our human instinct. So instead of developing a whole story about a relatively common fear that you overcame, start with that success. Start with the success and then go back and then help me understand a little bit more of why you like tech stuff and that would be good, you know? Hamada, question about the SAT? Yes, in fact, this week a video is going up about the SAT. I have found practice tests for you guys and I wanna share them with you. So we're gonna talk about that soon. I got a video coming out in a couple of days. I'm just finalizing some little details with that and it will be going up this week, so stick around. If you've made a website and you wanna include it, you could put it in your personal essay, you could link to it in your CV or you could put it in additional information or do all three if you really want them to check it out. Yeah, nothing wrong with that. So yeah, Abigail, I like some of the ideas here, but I think we need to restructure a little bit to make it more impactful, but not bad, not bad at all. All right, we got another one here. Sent to me via WhatsApp. All right, so, let me just go in here. That's nice and big. All right, we're at 617, hang on. All right, so first thing here, this was sent to me with WhatsApp, but it didn't have paragraphs in there either. This needs paragraphs. Like we cannot send a wall of text. If you do this, your admissions people will hate you. It will severely impact your performance on your essays. Like you need paragraphs. A big wall of text, like again, just this is, hang on, let's just zoom way out. This is what we're seeing here. A wall of text, right? So each page is kind of imposing here. It's not comfortable to read this, right? So I wanna make sure I break this up. All right, so, but hey, Himalayan Peaks, let's go. All right, okay. A much more rural upbringing, I like that. Yeah, okay. Building your own little Dexter's laboratory, I like it. Okay, all right, so you went to the Capitol. Sharp contrast, eight million people there, wow. I forget how big some of those cities are over there. Like Lima has like 10 million, and it's like, dang, Kathmandu's got eight. All right, so we got a sharp contrast between the rural upbringing and the city life. I like that, I think that that would be good. I feel like we have a little bit, maybe too much time dedicated to that. This here is like, this is a good place to sort of break a paragraph out, right? Like here you got this key question, that's a good way to hang the end of a paragraph. This, I would say from about like, I mean, here to here you have a lot of words, like 284 kind of building up that contrast between the city life and the rural upbringing that you had. I think we need to synthesize that more, condense that more. You know, I gave a speech not long ago about the same thing, because I was talking to students in a city in a rural part of Peru, and I summed up my upbringing like this. I said, I come from a small town that has 4,000 people and one traffic light. And then here I am in Lima today, like with 10 million people, right? So just quickly sort of contrasting those two things. Most of us will understand some of those other details. Like we know that in rural places, typically there's, you know, it's a slower life, less technology, more nature. I think that's something most people will expect. We also know that in cities, you're gonna face bigger classes, it might be more competitive, a little more aggressive. Like most of those things are understood implicitly. So we don't have to explicitly say them. So I would say that you want to maybe start focusing on those challenges specifically. Growing up in this environment didn't prepare me for this, this, and this. You know, instead of summarizing, like instead of describing all those differences, what were the things that immediately impacted you when you moved to the city? What were some of those like challenges you had to overcome? Say what they are and tell me how you did it. You know, I think that would be good. Like, let's see. Let's see where this goes. I don't want to give too much advice before I read the whole thing, but that's where I'm at right now. Okay. So, okay, you gave a good answer in the class. The first moment where you're like, all right, I can keep up. I can handle myself here. I'm not gonna be like the country kid that can't do it. Cool. And then you got to do science exhibition, cool. Okay. Now again, this is starting to get into that territory of like, let me recite things that I have accomplished. Remember, they see this in other places. You're gonna get questions about those things. Personal statement. I want you to keep the focus on you, the person, not so much everything you've accomplished. Like, I want to know about those challenges some more. I really like, you did a good job of explaining that difference, but then essentially we go right through the challenges straight to like a point where you just answer one question correctly, you feel more confident and then things go really well. I want to know about like that worst day in the city. I want to know about like the biggest obstacle you had. I want to know about how those days where you, I mean, there had to be moments where you were like, maybe feeling alone, feeling kind of sad, feeling frustrated by the way things worked. I would love to know more about that. I would love to see those challenges. And one of the reasons I think is good to include that is that you're applying to study abroad. And so showing your ability to adapt to changing environments is something they like to see because it shows that you're gonna be able to go to college in another country and survive. And not just survive, but maybe thrive, right? Like be really successful. So I think that you probably spend a little too much time developing that contrast between your hometown and your city. And I would instead like to look at what those challenges were, the things you weren't ready for, the things you had not anticipated that made it maybe difficult for you sometimes and how you overcame those things. Instead of just kind of going into, hey, look at all the cool things I managed to do, right? I feel like that's important. We need to get more into your growth and development as a person. How can you always be positive and be multitasking like me? Get multiple monitors. Multiple monitors is a key thing for multitasking. I have a portable monitor that I take with me when I travel to plug into my laptop because I always need at least two. Telling you multiple monitors equals productivity, my people. I have four, okay? Yeah, you guys in the chat are over here. This is the main camera. I'm not even using my main screen right now because this one fits a 16 by nine. This one down here. And then over here I got my stream health and my OBS. So multitasking. Positivity, lots and lots of coffee, okay? Just lots and lots of coffee and you'll be able to stay positive. That's my secret to success. Caffeine. All right, and then a couple of the questions. Do ambitious officers ask for proof about extracurricular achievement? No, all right, in America we tend to believe you, okay? No one's gonna ask you for a bunch of certificates and nobody is going to review them if you send them. So don't worry about it, like nobody cares. They're gonna take your word for it but keep in mind that if you put stuff that doesn't make sense, then they might question it, right? If you have like, if you say that you had three activities that were like 40 hours a week in the same year, that's like impossible. There's no way that you worked three full-time jobs on top of being a student, like no way. So that would be a red flag and they're gonna go, I don't know about this. Sounds like he's lying, you know? If you put stuff that is like far beyond what your other aspects of your application suggest, like if I say I won a writing contest, I better have a damn good essay. Like it wouldn't make sense if my essay sucks but I won a writing contest or like, you know, if I sit there and talk about achievements in a specific area, like a science area, I won the Science Olympiad but my grades in science are hot garbage. It's, that's the kind of stuff that makes them question things, okay? But by and large they're not gonna do that. Most of the time they're just gonna assume that what you're saying is the truth because we typically are gonna take people at their word, you know? Multiple monitors, Omar, trust me, you need more than one monitor. You know, more screens, more screens, baby. Trust me, it's the key to success. All right, so, and Mo insists just for you guys, like so I have at the moment a ton of essays I'm still trying to get through. I'm not like, let's see if we get through them and if we do, I'll be happy to tell you where to send some more but I am on a tight schedule today. I gotta finish this up before 11 o'clock of my time but we're doing good, we're making good progress so maybe we'll get to some more essays today. I had like 20 of them written down? Okay, all right, this one, I'm gonna check this one anyway. This person said they were gonna send me another version but they didn't so let me just check the version that they did send and we'll see what's up. See what we got here, this is from Gigi Paul. All right, so I did it, oppa, cool. All right, Rubik's Cube, nice. I've never been able to do that. My grandpa had a whole bunch of those and I never figured them out. Okay, cool. I like the high energy here. I like the positive energy and like kind of framing it as like a superhero thing, it's got a nice energy to it. Here you would typically say my father and I for the record or you could just say we. We spent months competing to be the first one. Like if you say we spent months competing, then it's clear. That could save you some words. King Bruce who learned to fight for his kingdom by watching a determined spider. I don't know that I completely get that reference but okay, okay, so dad taught you sort of the steps right and you're working hard to get it. I like the support from dad. This is nice. Okay. All right, so this one, we have a lot of space. We have 150 words more that we can use and so I think we should, you know. There's a lot, I would say this. I think the Rubik's Cube thing is cool and I think it's good that you touch on how like relates to your family but I wanna know what comes next. I wanna know where this goes from here. Like that sense of accomplishment. What did you learn? Did you learn like what is it? Persistence, following instructions. Like, you know, not giving up on things when it's frustrating. Did you practice different techniques to learn the memory like repetition? Like what is the thing that you acquired from this experience, right? Besides just feeling really proud of yourself and like, you know, having that cool moment with dad. I wanna know what you can do with this and how you can apply this to something else. I think that's always the important thing here. So I think there's a lot you could summarize, you know. Like a lot of this stuff here could be summarized in much fewer words. I could just say, hey, like, you know, I mastered it one face at a time, one step at a time, learned the different moves to where I could recreate everything I needed to do and bam, you know, get that click, click, click, clack, I did it, right? And then how can we make that like maybe a metaphor for something else? Like the things in your life when they click into place, right? Life is like a Rubik's cube, maybe. You know, that we have to turn things and, you know, do different moves to get things where we want them to be. But when it all clicks into place, everything works. Everything feels good. And can we maybe see how you've done that in another aspect of your life? I think there's a great metaphor potential here. I think there's like a really good way to project into the future with this, but we need to develop that. Cause right now there's a lot of development to one single past experience and we still have plenty of room to go. So I would reduce this stuff, get this to maybe like 250, 300 words and then, you know, go into that metaphorical development. Like what can we say about the future and your life plans? You know, I think that would be the way to go. Have I heard about the new NYU supplemental? Is it diversity? Cause they didn't they do a diversity question instead of the, I thought they made a change. I forget though, remind me what it was because I don't remember the exact change there. All right, so you got one more on this page. I can look it up after. I'm going to do a supplemental Saturday session pretty soon. So if there's any universities that you want me to write supplementals for, give me a, give me a shout out. Tell me which ones cause I'm going to check those out. So I want to write some for you guys, show you how I would approach some of these. All right, draft number three. Good stuff. We're making some iterations, some progress. Surgeon, all right, successful surgery is joy. For many, are we talking about many surgeons? That was a little confusing right here. It's getting the monthly paycheck. For me, it's seeing no bugs in my code. There's some redundancy here, the sight of seeing. Like just say it is seeing no bugs, okay? For many, it is getting their monthly paycheck. Like we don't need to say them in there or sight and seeing. Try to remove those redundancies, okay? Okay, this is a good like summary of your reflections. So I hope that we go into those. I like that. I think just a little bit more clarity here. Like what is the, yeah, I see what you're trying to do here, surgeon. This, when you say for many without another noun, I assumed you were talking about more surgeons and I thought we were gonna go into like, you wanting to study medicine for a second? I see that we're not doing that, but just be careful, because this opening kind of threw me off right here, okay? So that's all. But overall, we're good. We're cool in the game. All right, let's see here. All right, algorithms, intricate code problems. Yeah, sorting of a list of integers in ascending order. Okay. All right, so right here, you say this mirrors how we approach real life challenges. Couple of things here. I want, now you need to give me an example. If you're gonna say that, you need to give me an example right here, okay? And instead of saying we, say I, you're saying we, in sort of a general global royal we, and like, that's not always true. Not everybody does that. You're doing that. Say that you do that, okay? Keep the focus on you, because I wanna know how you approach things and this could sound like general, more, you know, like, how it should be, not necessarily how it is. So I agree with you, but then I wanna know how you do that in those other things. If you say, from personal growth to complex project, give me an example of personal growth with this approach. Show me how you broke a problem down into several pieces, right? Lesson in resilience, okay. Mirrors of my life, we're teaching so many students. Okay, that's a good teaching people. I like that. So you gotta be adaptable. Okay, this is, see, this is better. You're using more I language and you're doing more of a personal reflection on this. This is good. And then sort of thinking about some of the positive things for what you can do with this. I like that. And this is good too. You know, I like that you got into, see, this is good. Instead of just getting into like, oh, look, I was doing all these activities, you're talking about communities and how you interact with people. And I think that speaks more to the kind of person you are. And I like that because you clearly see a positive environment that you like and you wanna build that. And this is a good place to make sense to use the word we. Now you are part of a community and you're connected with these goals that everybody has. I like that a lot. So I just think that what we need to do here is develop a little bit more of that idea of personal growth and stuff. Like you say that you have this approach that you've learned from computer programming. Where can we talk about that in your personal life? You have 484 words. You have so much space you can work with. So go ahead and add to that. Go ahead and build this up. Because I like this. I think you've got some good ideas here, but I wanna see more of that personal growth and how you're applying that computer science mindset to other things. I think it's good that you mentioned the community and I would definitely keep that in there too. All right, one page down. Let's go. All right, here we go. We got another Peru essay. Let's check it, check it out. This one's from Alexandra. All right. Truth felt too dangerous. Ooh, okay. Okay, this is kinda, this gets a little dark. This is interesting. You have my attention. Okay, geez. All right, all right. Difficulties in my mom's out there and this is in my father's bedroom. All right, so trying to kinda lie about it. Yeah. You know, this is a nice deep expression here. And one of the things I like about this, I've said this to everybody before, but smaller paragraphs, like smaller bite-sized pieces that I can just get into. Like this here of just saying I had a fragile relationship with the truth. A nice simple sentence, you know, lying became easy, couple examples, and just this concluding idea that it was easier to lie than to deal with these uncomfortable truths. That is so true. That is very real. And by keeping this paragraph kinda short and simple, it really isolates that idea and allows me to understand exactly where this person is coming from, you know. And this then, okay, this idea that like, you needed to say something. You need to face the truth in order to solve the problem. I like this a lot. Like I feel like the structure really helps. Okay. This is a good example too. See, this is a great way to show how you apply stuff in other aspects of your life, okay? This is how you do it, right? Like, we don't need to do long text to explain that stuff. You can do it efficiently. Look at how this is done. So, okay, I have this problem where it's like, I'd rather lie than face the truth because the truth is messed up. But then realizing I gotta do something about this, I gotta tell somebody, because this is not okay, right? And so it works out, right? Now, we established that this changes that relationship. Instead of this fragile relationship, we now have a changed relationship. And now show me those examples of applying this in other context. Here it is. Stands up for a friend when mistreated. Tells waitresses at restaurants that the food is sub par and board games you wanna play on Sundays. From important things to like more minor things, right? That's a great way to show that you've turned that lesson into like a fundamental part of your personality. You show me those actions in different contexts, right? Quickly, and some of them can be big, some of them can be small. In fact, I would argue the little things have more impact because like just as soon as I read this, I said good paragraph in my head because this is such a small example, but it says a lot. If you're willing to like speak up in the smaller situations, you're probably willing to speak up in the bigger situations. And there's nothing wrong with that. I think that's good, that's how it needs to be. So that was solid. And then, okay, thinking about how this applies to other things as well. Okay, founded the thing. All right, this is cool. This is again, now normally I say watch out for starting to like recite your activities, but this is extremely connected to the story. And so this is the kind of activity I should be including in the story because we're literally focusing on the issue at hand, the issue that made this whole story, a very personal issue. It makes sense to show me that you're doing something with it. So that's great. I like that a lot. And then again, more concrete examples, even name droppings and people, Claudio Ricardo, like that is great. And this is really nice. This is a really nice sentiment. Be the person I wish my mom would have met years ago, right? Really good. Okay. I like this a lot. There's not much I would change here. This is really good. Like I'm trying to, now I'm sitting here trying to find something I don't like just to be extra difficult for you guys. But no, there's, so one thing I will say that I'm trying, like I recall that threw me off a little bit was just where the violence was coming from. Like it wasn't clear to me if it was from your mom or the stepdad until later. It wasn't clear until about here, right? So like that would be something maybe to clarify a little bit earlier here. Like for example, when you said here, who do I want to spend the weekend with or my birthday with? Like it wasn't clear to me. It was like, all right, my separated parents wishes. Like was there a problem with one of them? Was it a problem with both of them? You did sort of, but when you said like about my mother's house, the abuse my mother's face, it became clearer, but I think it might have been good to make that a little bit clearer somewhere else. You don't have to say it explicitly. Like, oh, my stepdad was doing it, but like could we sort of hint at it? You know, can we show maybe your stepdad without saying it? Like, is there a way we can include that just a little bit in there? Because I just wanted to understand the situation a little bit better at the beginning, but like, this is a really good essay. This is a really good structure. This is just like honest, clear, good like succinct paragraphs, detail where you need it, but reflections and good examples in other places. So this is solid. This is solid. I like it a lot. Thank you very much. Fina, I'm going through the list. Did you send me yours before? Have you sent it to me already? Cause it might be on my list already. Like I'm just going down the list. Everybody who sent me their stuff before is getting worked on today. We still got some time though. I think we might be able to get to some of the people that are here in the chat. Can you, Fina, if you said, oh, half an hour ago, okay, then I won't have it right away. Let me get through the ones on my list and then we'll see what we can do. All right, Essa family. I think it was supposed to be essay. I'm assuming that wasn't like a clever title. All right, family karaoke night. Two hours product to be square zero. This, I'm already clicking with this honestly. We want to be mindful about this guys. This is not the appropriate punctuation by the way. I mean, it'll work, but you should actually like Google M dash. Like here, I'll show you what to do. Go here, search M dash like this, E M D A S H, right? When you search that, you will get it and you can just copy paste that, okay? And that will go there. Cause that's just a normal hyphen or sometimes known as the N dash cause it's the size of an N and you should be using the M dash if you're gonna do that. I don't like using it cause it's hard to type it. It's annoying, so I don't use it, but if you're gonna use it, use it correctly, okay? And make sure you're consistent. If you're gonna put spaces before it, put spaces before it, if not, don't. Like if you show these inconsistencies look bad, so you just, you don't want to distract your reader from, you know, the essay itself. Mega, no, a title is not essential. You don't need a title. You can if you want, but you don't need to. I'm not gonna do, Alex, I'm not gonna do a video about question prediction because that's pointless. I don't work for college board. I have no idea what's gonna come out on this test. I can tell you that it'll probably be the exact same distribution as all the other tests because they all follow a simple pattern of questions and all those videos about test predictions are just a waste of your time, to be completely honest. I refuse to make those, sorry. I would rather give you resources that you actually need that will help you, which is why I have a video coming out this week where I review a site's practice tests. I found some good practice tests for you guys. That's something worth making for you, okay? Reading the opinion of somebody online about what the predictions are gonna be is like, it's like asking the predictions for a marathon. Like every marathon is gonna be 42 kilometers and it's gonna go in a big circle. Like what do I need to predict, you know? It's gonna be about the same. And remember, every single person's questions are different in the test room. So there's like no way to accurately predict those videos or predict those questions. So don't spend much time watching those, okay? I always find those annoying, to be honest. All right, all right, let's keep looking at this. All right, so missing my brother's basketball game to study for extra credit, three hours productivity score 100. I like this, okay. Marginal opportunity cost, okay. The quantity of good X sacrifice for an additional unit of good Y. All right, this is interesting. I like that you kind of went with something quickly like detailed to kind of like apply it to this other context of your own life. Naruto connections nice. All right, it's a waste of time. Okay, all right, but this is starting to maybe take away from relationships and things. All right, oh man, okay. Geez, all right, good. I'm glad your mom made it out. I'm glad that was, I was wondering about that. That's good. All right, this is cool. I like this essay. This is solid. This, I can relate to this a lot. I am like manic obsessed with productivity and getting a lot of things done. I have to be to some extent, but I'm also aware that like it can come at the cost of other things I've been there. So I think it's cool that you recognize this and that you show this. And I love the way that you did that by like scoring your productivity. Like that is such a unique way. That's clearly how you think, right? Like you immediately thought how much time do I have to spend on this? How productive was it? Zero. I get this all the time in my work. So like I really understand this. And I think that most people reading this will understand that too. Cause we all have to balance work and life and finding that balance can be difficult, especially in the United States where people are like very workaholic. So this is a great example of how like you valued these things more than these things. You said it in a very small amount of words, which is great. Like it's extremely effective, super effective, honestly. So that's great. And I like that you kind of get into some of the technical stuff and show some interest in economics. I assume that's what you wanna study. So that's like a good way to sort of let them know that without diving into the topic of economics too much. And then even touching on like your love for Naruto is great. Like that's a nice personal detail. And even going so far as to like wanna blow off New Year's Eve. Like not caring about that. That shows me like a nice peak in that, you know? So I think you have a really good set of reflections here. And then that moment that makes you reflect and makes you reconsider that is also really significant. I like that a lot. I just wanna do a word count check here. 648, okay cool. So great. This is solid. I like this a lot. The main thing, fix your punctuations, okay? So let's talk about that for a second everybody. Like I said, M dashes. If you're gonna use them, use them correctly. This is not an M dash, all right? And you can do it without spaces or you can do it with spaces. But then do so consistently, okay? It should always be the same. Cause like here again, there's no space after it but there is a space before it. Here there's no space before it, there's a space after it. And that is gonna drive me crazy as I read your essay, okay? So try to make sure that you're using that consistently and correctly. Cause every time I saw it, it was doing it wrong. The other thing, punctuation generally will go inside the quotes, okay? So in this case, it's another waste of time. Comma quote, I told my mom, right? We're not gonna put it on the outside when we're doing our reported speech here. And then this one here, like, so this is an actual M dash. And then I think your quote got tied up on the left instead of on the right. And then I also see you're using single quotes instead of double quotes. So again, be consistent with your punctuation. If you're gonna use double quotes, use double quotes. I generally recommend double quotes. But there are some people who I don't know if they were raised by animals, they don't. But yeah, double quotes, use them correctly. What else? This is a good example of possessive S, that's fine. And everything else seemed okay out here, good. All right, so clean up your punctuation and you're gonna have an awesome essay. I like this a lot. But I would hate to see a good essay get ruined by little, tiny mistakes like that that kinda just distract from the thing, you know? So that's my thoughts. All right, I'm gonna take a two minute bathroom break and I will be right back to continue checking essays, okay? Give me just two minutes. All right, we are back in action. I got my last cup of coffee for the morning. Yeah, it's going good so far people. I like what I see. I feel like we're making some good stuff. I haven't really seen like a bad essay yet. Like something I was like, oh, like so far everything's been good. There's definitely something that could be improved but overall I like what I see. So let's continue. I have a few more on the list here. All right, I gotta cross that one off. That was last one. Two, one, two. I shouldn't dox this person's phone number. I should say it all out loud. Okay, yeah, this is you, you sent. Hang on, where's your essay? Where's your essay? There we go. All right, we're gonna check that out. Computer, yeah, let's go. Not wanting to open up my downloads tab. There we go. So this is Hibats essay. I've looked at the first draft of this. Let's go ahead and show you guys what we got here. All right, so forgiveness is like removing the knife from your own back and choosing it not to wield it against others regardless of how they've hurt you, deep. All right, this is good. So we got this clear theme that we're gonna develop with forgiveness and then we have this, okay, whoa, holy shit. All right, all right, father holding a knife to her neck. Damn, okay. So that would be a heavy moment. Now, this was a teeny bit confusing because it sounds like, hang on, it sounds like it would be the other way around, right? Mother broke free from father's grasp because father has the grasp in this scenario, I believe. So that might be good to check out. Just make sure that makes sense. Like, I don't know that she would have been holding on to him here. Like, I think he would have just, if you're saying he ran away, like, then he just ran away. I don't know about that. That just kind of broke the scene for a quick second. Okay, but yeah, this is obviously a big thing. This would be very tough to process, I would imagine. Okay, and then touch on. So I think this is a good way to quickly summarize that this isn't the only problem in the house, but instead of developing a whole bunch about somebody else in the family, we can kind of just get to the point and be efficient. I think that's good. Forgiving them was a challenge, I imagine, all right? So this realization of forgiving them, right? And then also having to realize that like this had effects on you, yeah. Okay, and you're able to, I like that. I think this could be good to develop just a little bit more. Like you say, for example, that it was more complex than you initially thought. What was the hardest part about it? Like maybe just explaining that a little bit would be nice. Like I'm trying to just understand what the specific, you know, hang up was. And I think it's different for everybody. I don't know what it is for you, you know? But for me, like forgiving someone is difficult when they've done damage to you, especially if you had a lot of trust in that person. I think that's where the more trust there is, the harder it is to forgive. So maybe that's part of it. I'm just kind of spitballing my ideas here to maybe help you think of some. But for me, like I wanna know exactly what it was. I mean, you say it was about liberating the girl who had the exact scarred by the accident. I get that aspect of it too, but like, you know, what was the biggest obstacle, I guess? What was the feeling, the emotion that kept you from wanting to do that at first? But it's good that you understood it and you like did it, right? So this is good, understand kind of how you've developed as a result of that and then what you wanna do with your studies. And I think this is a great way to express that. Like I wanna do psychology because I wanna help women in this situation. Like you have a clear motivation, you have a clear experience that has affected your life and you have learned that like this is the right way to handle these situations with forgiveness. And I think that's great. And it makes a lot of sense with what you wanna do. I think this is the best version of this that I've seen so far. I just wanna do a word count check. 452, we still got space, ooh, yeah. All right, so let's develop this more. Let's go ahead and develop this idea of like forgiveness being more difficult than you thought it would be. Can you, you have like almost 200 words you could use. So go ahead and add more, develop this a little bit, get like, you know, get some more detail in there about how it was hard to forgive, right? What specifically made it hard for you to do that? And then maybe when you, you could also tell me like the specific moment that you did, like you say, I forgave them, but like, was there a moment where you actually did? Like was there a moment where, I don't know, maybe you're sitting in bed, you're like walking home. What, where's that moment where you finally said, you know what, like, I'm okay with this. I understand this. Like it's, I'm gonna forgive these people. And maybe really building up that moment to slow down your essay for that moment would help, you know, to kind of have that climatic moment because this is really good. It was really good. I saw you left me a couple of questions about Dennis and Lafayette. It's hard for me to say that to be honest with you, but I'll get back to you on that stuff. Okay, so good stuff. I like this a lot. I think this was, this was a good version of this. It just needs a little more content and we're like, we're set. Okay. All right. Let me show you how. We got another zoom in on this a little bit. All right. Okay, unassuming observer. Okay. All right. So there's like one big moment. We're gonna focus on one big moment. Cool. Let's see it. All right. Picture student reveled in forging connections but in range with his potential. Okay. I think this is repeating a lot of what you just said. I don't know if you wanted to have like an alternate introduction, but this says content and forging connections, reveling joy. Like you kind of say the same thing here, right? So what I would just do is combine these two, right? This episode involving my dear friend Abhishek, put that in here. Like just put that in there and we're done so that we can get to the point. Cause like we've got almost like two introductions here. So the second one's not that necessary. The only real detail that you added here was that you told me who your friend was. You kind of mentioned that there was potential within you, but that's also touched on here, I think a little bit. Like when you talk about inactive embers, it's a little more concrete here than it is here, but that's okay. Like I would rather you keep me guessing a little bit and then, you know, go ahead and get into this. So let's go into the story here. All right. All right. Okay. So Abhishek gets like falsely accused of doing some shady stuff. All right. All right. So he lets it out. Oh, okay. He had actually done something here. Okay. But that wasn't related to the other thing, I guess. Okay. That's crazy. All right. Poor guy. All right. So being that source of encouragement and inspiration, helping like uplift people, I like that. I like that that's the thing you found in yourself that you can do. So again, I think this is similar, right? Like you establish here that you start to look for opportunities to do this for people. Here you sort of say the same thing in different words, right? It was like about igniting courage. I mean, that's similar to what you're saying here about like reminding others of their strength, this idea that, you know, like you're kind of repeating it with a little bit more detail. So I would encourage you to just like, you know, maybe delete this one and stick with this one. Like you say each day brought about an opportunity. So this idea of being on a mission to change lives is already there. So I would go through this and try to see if you can remove some of those extra paragraphs that aren't really adding much. They're just sort of reemphasizing the same ideas. Yeah. So again, you're kind of rephrasing it in different ways, right? I think that like here, you have a few different ideas that you want to reflect on. So pick one and really develop it. Or, you know, if you're going to mention several, go ahead and mention them quickly, but then let's move on. Like we're kind of doing two or three paragraphs that say the same thing or have very similar ideas. So I want you to kind of keep moving forward. Don't just plateau. Don't go flat on me. Okay. So, okay, now I have a bit of resistance. Okay. Now this is interesting. I like that you address the reader directly by saying you're a college. I'm a big fan of that. I'm a big fan of like directly addressing the readers. Hue of compassion, a broad stroke of resilience. Okay. And this commitment to uplift others. I think that's great. Like that's a really good explanation of how you would integrate with the community and how you would be like, you know, on campus and the kind of person that you would be. I think that's really positive. Looking at this, so we're at 650. I think there's a lot more we can add here and develop by removing some stuff. Like, again, we have like two or three paragraphs sometimes that are talking about the same ideas. So go ahead and cut those down. And then I want you to think about like, you know, how else you might apply this in other ways? Wow. Like it's good that you mentioned it on campus and stuff. I think that this is like, you know, this idea that you want to offer resilience and inspiration to other people, everyone around you, right? I think that's great. Are there any other ways you could apply this or put this into practice? Is there any connection to what you want to study or other activities or like volunteering stuff that you would like to do in the future? Like what else could we do with this? I like this a lot. I think it says a lot about the kind of person that you are and how you care about other people. And using this example of a close friend is like a great way to explain that. So I think that you have done a great job of showing a nice aspect of yourself, but we also need to like go a little deeper with it, and maybe also think about limitations. Like, you know, what are some of the limits that you have to overcome in that respect? How, what are some of the ingredients that you think are key to being able to impact other people? Like it's not just as easy as talking to someone. Like you had the advantage of that person being a close friend. You had that ability to go up and talk to them, but what about someone else? Like, so I think there's some things you could think about here to develop this more, because right now there's a few spots where it just sort of stays in the same place and doesn't progress. And that's taking up a lot of your texts that I think you could probably improve. Let me see here. Omar, I saw your question here about me reviewing your essay. Checked that one a little while ago. You said you weren't sure what I meant about it. I mean, I can crack open really fast here again just to kind of, again. So like I was saying about here is again, we need that connection between lightning and questioning God here. Like this lightning stuff doesn't really have any connection to this idea. And like I was saying, there's ways you could do this. Like maybe just try to illustrate lightning as an example of God's power. Like your teacher could say that. That would be like the best way to do that because you need to have that connection. Otherwise it's just, it's random. Like the lightning stuff was random. Okay, so it needs a more clear connection to that idea. Lightning as a metaphor for curiosity. See, I didn't get that exact. I understood that it was something that got your curiosity going. You wanted to watch it. You wanted to learn about it and understand it. I get that, but like within the greater context of your essay, your essay is more about questioning beliefs and like not being afraid to ask questions and it involves a sensitive topic. It involves a topic that, you know, I think like you're talking about relationship with faith and God and that's a big deal, you know? And in some parts of the world, it's a really big deal. I grew up in a very religious family questioning the things I was taught was also discouraged and it was something that bothered me a lot. So for me, I would focus on that, you know, I would try to set up that idea that, you know, God is this powerful being. Like that's the default belief that you have and lightning could be a great example of that. And then the question, right? The doubting, the investigation makes more sense, you know? As it stands, like lightning representing curiosity or inspiring curiosity still isn't connected that much to that idea, because then it could be anything. It could be anything else that inspires curiosity. And I think it would be great to have a connection to the religious aspect. That was kind of what I was looking for there. Like I said though, I really liked the essay in a lot of ways. I think it was really solid. All right, got a couple more. We're doing good on time still. So we might get to some more here today. Well, see, next, Bible school. Interesting. All right. Yeah, it would be kind of weird if you're just filling out that form, right? Whether or not you... Now, sharing my choice. Was this your choice? Was it your decision? Like you said your parents surprised you with this. So I'm wondering like, was this actually your choice? Did you have an opportunity to say no? I just would like to know, like, because it's hard to tell. Like it sounds like it kind of was pushed on you. And obviously you're feeling apprehension. I mean, there's some curiosity, but it does seem like you're not maybe a hundred percent convinced on this. So I was kind of curious, maybe to know if that's actually a choice or if you just got put into that situation. And yeah, I imagine there was probably some negative opinions. So, okay, but you do say my intention. So what were the intentions? You know, transform, all right, cool. Diverse backgrounds. All right. So there's, all right. So we need a lot more content. We have 331 words. We need way more. We need 300 words more. You need double this, literally. So there's a lot more that we could talk about here. I would like to know more about that decision. Did you want to go to this Bible school? Was it a good surprise or a bad surprise? What was your thinking when you said yes to this? If you had the opportunity to say yes. Like I don't fully understand if your parents forced you to do this or if you had a say in the matter, if you did have a say, if you did have a choice, then why did you make that choice? What were your intentions? You said people didn't understand your intention, so tell me what they are. Cause I don't understand them either, to be honest. I'm not sure why you did this. And that's a big detail that's missing here. I need to know what it is that you want, you know, like from this experience and why it was important to you. And so I understand that there's some obstacles like people not understanding it and you know, even like maybe having to overcome some, you know, initial impressions or prejudices, that could be interesting. You could develop that more. Like was there a case where you thought somebody was going to be like this and then instead was completely different? Like, you know, I wonder more about that. So there's, I have a lot of questions about this one. I feel like it's underdeveloped right now. It needs to cook a little bit more. We need more content so that I can fully understand this essay. But I think it has like some interesting ideas as someone who, you know, grew up in a religious family. I find it interesting. I just would like to know more about what happened with that and like what your feelings were on the matter. And if you genuinely wanted to be there, you know, that's to me the big question. All right. This one, let's show you over here. Okay. This one was called a, I believe this was supposed to be a gap year essay that I got before I, when I added it to the list, let me see here. Yeah. He says, yeah, it was a gap year essay. So we can take a look at this a little bit, the gap year and sort of see kind of what we have. Although now this looks like the length of a personal statement. So I don't think it's specifically for the gap year question, which doesn't give you this much space. But let's take a look at it from the perspective of a personal statement for someone on a gap year. So, okay, we got the privileged serving captain, recruiting new players. Okay. That's actually a pretty big role of recruiting new players. So having to figure that stuff out, listen to their concerns. Okay. Good problem solving conflict resolution skills. This is good. I like that you've tied it into the university sense of responsibility as well. So also I would just try to diversify a little bit. Like this sentence is very, very similar to this. So keep in mind, like we don't always have to say it so explicitly, you know. I would also maybe think about what kinds of clubs you wanna join at university. So now if this is a personal statement, I think that you could probably go deeper into some of the struggles or challenges. Like you touch on them a little bit here, but they, you know, I would love to see more details of maybe times where it didn't work out or times where it was difficult or where maybe you had a, did you recruit the wrong player? Did you have trouble convincing someone? Like can we see a good example of this in action? If this is meant to be for gap year essay, like then I think we need to see more things because this all sounds like it happened in school. So I'm not sure where this connects to your gap year. So I'm not 100% clear what this is meant to do. Like if this is for a personal statement, I think that it's good that you focus on some of those skills that you've developed for the university community. I like that, but I think you could go into more detail about some of these experiences. This might be a really, really good essay if they ask you about like a specific activity. If they ask you about an extracurricular activity that was meaningful to you, which a lot of universities ask, this is a great essay because it focuses specifically on that one activity of being the captain of a team and all the responsibilities involved. I think that that's where this goes best. I don't feel like this is necessarily a good gap year essay because it doesn't tell me about other things during that gap year. And it also as a personal statement, I think focuses a little more on the activity unless on the person that did it. And I would love to hear more about some of the maybe difficult times or big successes and how you felt about those things and what it meant to you, not just what you accomplished. So I think there's some things there that could be improved a little bit on this one. I think the issue is more what this is being used for. All right, let me take a look here. That's everything I had on my list and I still got about 15 minutes or so. So let me take a peek here at some of these. Yeah, so I got to sift through a lot of messages. Mondays are tough because Mondays we do like follow up messages with every single person in score. And so there's like a message in every single group chat. And I got to click through these all and find like the actual people that actually sent me things. So, you know, that's a thing. But yeah, we're getting there. Let's get there. We can do it. Hang on. Wanna see? Let's see here. All right. Okay, I don't wanna say I saw this one. Yeah, I think we did see this one last week. Let me take a double check on this. Yeah, I definitely saw this one last week. I'm pretty sure. Let's take a quick look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Bartagie wrote me here asking me to check this one out. I did this one last time. I did it. Check it out. I talked about like having to sew your mouth shut like the phrasing there and some other stuff. So check out the video from last time. If you're in the chat or you're checking this out because we did look at that one before. And I wanna try to give some other people a chance here. So let me see here. Phenom, if you're still in there, like send me a message with that so I can find you. Like, I don't know if you actually said that's who you were. If you guys write me with your name in there, it's easier for me to find your stuff. So, hang on. I'm gonna go back to the start of the day here because I have a couple that we're still waiting around for before. So I wanna make sure I get those people. Okay, here's one that I have. Actually, no, this one didn't send me an essay. Here we go. Here's one. All right. This is from Chabi. Let's check it out. All right, so 620 looking good. All right, so COVID pandemic, high school sophomore. Okay, tough situation with the COVID times. All right. Blame it on dopamine. I'm gonna start bunking. I'm not sure what you mean by bunking my classes. Home detention, skipping class. Yeah, mom probably didn't appreciate that. All right, so we got some of the issues during the COVID times. I think you mean like skipping classes when you say bunking classes. So then that hurts the grades, makes sense. But then you try to turn things around. Math became, all right, you got more into math. That's cool. Started doing some coding. Okay, I guess what I wanna understand more here, like, so this is a common problem. A lot of people had issues during the COVID times, right? And there's nothing wrong with writing about that. But at the same time, you say here that this starts in ninth grade. We're talking about a while ago. And if you wanna give context to that maybe some academic issues, you have a specific COVID essay that you can do for that. I don't know that I would make that my personal statement to be honest. Like, I don't know that I wanna focus on that period of time unless I can really explain how it impacted me. I don't see exactly how this impacted you. Like, what is it about the whole corona time, the COVID time that messed you up? What was the, I mean, you say that they didn't allow phones, but you were using a phone, was that part of the problem? And then like, what were some of the difficulties that you had with the virtual stuff? Why were you skipping classes? Why were you like, not taking it seriously virtually, right? Normally, I would like, when I see people making the pandemic, the focus of their essay, I wanna see a really solid impact from that pandemic. I want you to show me something big, okay? We saw today an essay where someone's mother almost died and that changed their perspective on life. That's the kind of COVID essay that most people are getting, okay? So if yours doesn't sound like it has a lot of tragedy in it, then my interpretation of your response is gonna change. You know, if a family member is like in the hospital or you're severely affected, okay, that's gonna lead to some major changes in your life. And that makes sense to talk about. If the biggest change was that you started skipping classes without any clear reason, then all it really does is kinda make you look bad. Now there's nothing wrong with being honest about those things, but you need to explain it better here because I don't quite understand where the problem comes from and why it affected your grades so much, okay? So I feel like you're trying to explain a period of low performance and you can do that in the COVID essay itself. And then your personal statement really should focus on something else about yourself. I feel like we need to learn more about you and more about, you know, maybe what was, was there another issue? Was there something deeper than just the pandemic? Like I feel like there had to be something more here and I wanna know what it is. So that's kinda how I feel about this one. I feel like it's not giving me the information I wanna see and it's giving me a lot of information that raises some questions, you know, questions that I don't know about, like I'm just kinda like, ah, you know? So some things to think about. All right, let me see here. I got another one here, three versions in this file. Okay, you want me to compare three. Rishabh sent me three in one. Let's take a look. All right, let's see what we got here. All right, so let's scroll down to the action here. All right, try not to dox you. All right, so version four, version three, version two, version one must be down here somewhere. I guess this last one. Okay, this is the gym one that, oh yeah, we looked at this then today. The scape was the gym. Yeah, we saw this one earlier. You sent, so you have a couple of different versions that you want me to check out. So I think that, okay, if you showed me like a first draft, let's see where a version, where are we now, right? So, okay, going back to the Fortnite stuff starting with it and then sort of, okay, so still I kind of have some of the same questions, right? Like why was it bothering you so much? Why was it making you so frustrated? What was the main issue, right? And then thinking about like that contrast with the gym, right? You could think about, you know, like you touch on it here again with this idea of not being used to encouragement and having a lot of competition in Fortnite. So again, like I think you could establish that a little bit more of how like community is essential, the people around you matter. That's like the key lessons from your experience and I think that's what you should go ahead and do. So that's what I would suggest here. Like what is your, you know, like what did you see was the real problem in that Fortnite world versus your gym world and how has that taught you to be a better person going forward to other people and how do you see yourself fitting in with that? Like, you know, I wanna see more of that lesson, right? That lesson of understanding like that community matters that the people around you make a difference and that it's not what you do, it's who you do it with because clearly an activity you did like had more of a toxic environment, made you unhappy. New activity, positive environment, everything's good. So that to me is the key takeaway. Yeah, GMR, where do I find you? Cause I wanna get to yours as well. So like if you just text me GMR, if you already sent it, I can probably spot it quickly. If you haven't sent it, go ahead and run. It's on prepwithscore.com. There's a WhatsApp link. You can send it there and I'll have it. Let's see here. That's sent to me also today. I don't know who this is. Let's see. But you say I have a similar energy, Santosh. All right, cool. All right, so. Are you mad? I think it's science, science, science. Okay. All right, so what do you do? And you're making a decision that doesn't make sense based on your grades. So, all right. But also the idea of wanting to be happy with what you're doing. I think that's important. Okay. All right, so you get some positive encouragement from a teacher. This is good. And then the results weren't quite what you wanted, but you overcome it with some hard work, working with friends as well. Oh, you've made a little YouTube channel on a webpage. That's cool. I like that. I like that you're honest about your results there too. Again, don't feel ashamed about your results, people. You don't have to be Mr. Beast to like be impressive. Just the fact that you would try when thousands of people only dream about it is enough. So, maybe don't do the Christopher Columbus reference these days, because they're not a big fan of him anymore. But like, okay, so I think this is good. Like, what I would encourage you to do with this essay here is maybe rewrite this a little bit in terms of structure. You had a desire to do something, even though your performance up until that point did not indicate that that was a great idea. Okay, so that's okay. Don't feel like that's a bad thing. But like, let's try to understand why you made that decision a little bit more. You know, you established that it's like, you know, I wouldn't want to be happy, like I wouldn't be happy doing something else, right? So what is it about the science stuff that makes you happy? Why is that a passion? And why was it a passion, despite the fact that you didn't have great grades and despite the fact that like other people were telling you this probably wasn't a good idea? And I want you to then think about how things would have been if you had listened to everyone else around you. It might be interesting to imagine that, you know, and talk about that. Like if I had done what everybody else told me to do, I would probably be in a completely different place, but I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be happy with what I'm doing. And I think the main lesson here is that you've learned that if you really want something, you can go get it. And it doesn't really matter what other people think. And while you appreciate their advice, you got to do your own thing and you did it successfully. And I think you could summarize a little bit more of this. Don't go into the whole like, oh, my grades are bad, I had to keep improving. You could summarize that so quickly by just saying, you know, this year I got this grade, but for the next year I was top 1%. And that was thanks to a lot of hard work and work with other people. And you could explain how. But just try to summarize that stuff quickly so we can get to the key takeaways. So to me, I think that you have an interesting situation. You say even that, I think there's something that everybody goes through this to some degree. But I would present the debate from the beginning. Should I just listen to others? Do what makes sense? Or should I do my own thing? Should I ignore some of the criticism and negative advice and go for it and make it happen? Because that's what you did. And I think that's a powerful thing to do. But I need you to put more power into that idea so that it's really, really clear. Leola, I saw yours in here too. I'm gonna check yours out right now. I appreciate you sending it over. So you left a nice little comment in here. I'm gonna say this. So talking about how we don't normally see a lot of essay writing in Ethiopia. Shout out to the Ethiopian fans. Thanks for watching. So let's take a look at these. And I'm glad that the stuff has been helpful for you, man. Let's go ahead and check it out a little. All right, bring in this. I have so many tabs open right now. Okay, dang. All right, gunshots. Crank it. I like the intro right away. Intense. Protesters. All right. All right, sister got sick right before that too. Realizing that like, okay. You never know what could happen next. This is a good sentence. I like this. Yeah. Nice. This is good. Yeah, gotta be strong for the family. I like that. This is good M dash use, by the way. Well done with your M dashes. This is how you could do it. Although I feel like that there might be two spaces after your two, but this is a good way to do those. Nicely done. Go a little easy on the exclamation points. There's a few in here that I think, like you wanna use them a little bit less, you know, save them for those big moments or for like, you know, like here, I think this is a very serious statement. So I would just use a period here. You have it like twice right here at the beginning, right? I would just say an electric transformer blew out. The house was dark for days, right? Period. Like this is good. It opens up the paragraph nicely, but it's a little too much if you're doing it like frequently, you know? Okay, so I like the way that your paragraphs start out with all these issues. Like every paragraph starts with something kind of like exciting or problematic. Loud cracks, repeated gunshots, you know, sister getting food poisoning, electric transformer blew out, state of emergency. Like each paragraph is tacking on like more obstacles at the beginning. And it's kind of an interesting approach. Like it stands out to me. It's just like one hit after another. So, all right. This, you're addressing the problems. And again, you show me kind of how you overcome these issues, right? Like you stay strong in front of your family. And you know, you also have realized that like you need to value the time you have because there isn't always a tomorrow. Like I think it's good that you have these reflections with each situation. So, this is good so far. Now, here, let's see. I'm trying to find the connection to this. Cause you kind of say here like the care less about the hassle of looking for new words. I'm the weird living myself in surroundings. So, I think this part gets a little bit away from kind of what we're looking at here. I guess what I see here is a constant theme of overcoming adversity, overcoming obstacles, fighting through difficult situations, right? So, keep the focus on those. Keep the focus on that fight on those difficult situations. Like I understand here, you say maybe, okay, some people think I can't be the goalkeeper, but I still keep fighting like that's good too. But it also feels a little disconnected from some of this stuff, you know? So, if you're gonna open your sentence with this situation, I expect that paragraph to stay on that topic. And this paragraph kind of deviates from some of that stuff. It goes into some different places. But, and then this, that dreadful incident. It's not clear to me exactly which incident that was. Was it this whole circumstance? Cause you mentioned several different incidents or several different problems. So, I'm not sure if that was all one thing. Did all this happen at once? Like if it did, then maybe set that up at the beginning. You know, like instead of saying that this has lost the hustle, like you could say that this is like the craziest night of your life or something. One thing after another, you know? So, I was a little confused by it towards the end. I think up until about like here, this is great. Like there's a lot of interesting stuff in here. All this first half is really solid. So then for me, it's like, okay, you seem to be focusing on this academic aspect of overcoming the like these obstacles, right? So, I would say focused on that. There's, it seems like you go away from that in this paragraph. So, fix up this paragraph cause it's really big and it kind of goes into different directions. I would concentrate this a little bit more. And then try to make sure that this last thing is clear. You say that dreadful incident and I'm not 100% sure which one you're talking about cause like could be COVID, could be the protests with gunshots, could be like your sister in the hospital. So, I just need a little bit more like detail on that stuff. I need a little bit more clarity there, but pretty solid. Isaac, what's the best essay I've seen on this? That's a hard question to answer honestly. I've seen a lot today from today's. I really liked the domestic violence topic when we saw. I thought that was really clearly presented. I thought it did a really good job of addressing a personal issue and turning it into a passion. And I think that it was very clearly transmitted. That one stands out to me from like today's selection of essays in terms of just stuff that resonates, right? I like the lightning essay as well. I think that I'm very partial to that topic of questioning religious beliefs as someone who had to go through that myself. I'm very partial to that. Like at the same time, I mean I still think there's room for improvement, but Omar, that was cool. Like that was, it was a good essay. Like I genuinely got my intention and it got me interested in what you were up to and really I think it stands out well. So let's see. Yeah, GMR, you said you sent it? I don't know, hang on. I got a couple of different messages in here. So I'm not sure like which one was yours exactly. Hang on, let me, I gotta, again, I gotta go through all these other messages getting in here from like basic score activities. So forgive me. But let me see right here. I think this might be yours. Let's see. You sent two? Was that you that sent two? I wanted to know which one I liked more. The sample and final. So let's compare these for a second. Let's do a quick comparison. Fidon, let's see how my time goes. I'm trying to give everybody a chance here. So I was mostly looking at your last version, but if we have a minute, we can take a look at the others. All right, so final and sample. All right, I just wanna get these both in like alt tab mode. All right, so, all right. So this is the final one you have. So I'm gonna start with your final then. Okay, now you sent it over just one. Okay, thank you for putting the GMR. That's what I was looking for. As soon as you put that GMR in there, that made it easy for me. All right, I'll get to you as next dude. Okay, so this says, all right, imagine a car, not just any car. The engine of passion. Okay, I see what we're doing here. Car parts representing different things in life. Again, kind of what we talked about last time of like having a frame story that allows you to sort of go into different parts, right? I like that. So, okay, those are discovery. Yeah, fuel of community involvement. Okay, clever, premium grade gasoline. I like your comparisons and I like the writing here in terms of quantum navigation. Cool, yep. All right, so I think here, couple things. There might be too many aspects. I have engine, wheels, fuel, quantum computing, navigation, transmission, windshield, there's like six. We might wanna trim that down and pick a couple or three or four and like develop them just a little bit more. There were some spots here where I feel like examples would have been nice. More specific things, you know, like for example, I've ventured through uncharted territories. Like what? Like what, you know, give me an example. This idea of having an engine of curiosity, you said engine of passion. So maybe you might wanna define that a little bit more. Is it a passion for curiosity, you know? Just to be a little more clear about that. The same kind of thing here, I would probably get rid of this one. I think this is the one that is the least on point with the car metaphors. Cause we don't really have a quantum navigation system. I see what you're trying to do in that you wanna show that interest in quantum computing. And that's cool, but it is kind of distant from the car metaphor. So I don't know that I would use that. Transition system makes sense, I like that. Again, examples would be good here. Like you have some stuff here, like mathematical puzzle or, again, you touch on community, mention a project or two, simply. Give me a couple examples, you know? So I think that's the main things here. I like this structure. This is memorable, this is unique. You have another hundred words you can use. I think you could probably take one or two of those sections out and develop the others a little bit more. And that would make it better. Let's go to the other one here. So if this is your other one, okay, fascination into mathematics and discovery, great. Yeah, I like the other one already better. I would use the other one already, I can tell. Like, this is good, because you are touching on different things, but it all feels a little less connected. The other one gave it more of a sense of connection by kind of building it around this metaphor and using the car stuff. Like I see a lot of the same ideas here. I would also encourage you to simplify your language a little bit. I see a lot of big words. And I don't know that we need them all the time, you know? So try to like synthesize a little bit more, shorten some of those sentences. Like again, this is, you're listing a lot of qualities without examples in some of these cases. So I think that's the main thing to go back to. If I'm gonna make a statement about an example or something that I need to actually, you know, if I make a statement about my personality, I should try to back it up with something. So I like your final version a lot better. All right, G.M.R., this is you. Okay, humans, redacted, interesting. All right, I'm kind of curious where that comes from. A bit of an introvert. All right, Peter in chess. I used to play chess with my mom too. And my grandpa would always clap my cheeks, but I think I beat him like twice. All right, that's two. Okay, ukulele. All right, so I like your voice. This feels like you speaking to someone, like it got a natural vibe. I would definitely say do a little bit of editing to kind of cut out some of the back and forth a little bit, you know, like, cause there's some things where you're like, saying like here, right? I thought I could make awesome songs right away, but it takes time and effort, you know, you could synthesize this stuff a little bit more. But I like that you kind of like have these little interjections and well anyway, like, it feels like you're speaking to me. So I like that. I like your voice in here. And even little like comments of like, you know, maybe I'm an ambivert or something in the middle, like making up a word, kind of thinking out loud here. Like this has a bit of a stream of consciousness feeling, right? So I like that. I think that the beginning here of this idea of being like redacted and feeling tiny inferior or small needs to have something more towards the end here. Cause I guess I'm not sure where this goes. Like I would love to see why that is and how you feel now, you know, how has that evolved? I think it's good that you have this sort of open ended feeling about it. And if that's the case, that's fine. But I would also like open it up a little bit more. You have more space. What else could you say about these experiences? What else have you learned? How have you applied those in other ways of life? And how has your perspective relative to other people changed? You know, what do you, do you see yourself as name redacted? Or do you feel like maybe you could finish it and say like most people call me blank redacted, right? And so do the people close to me, right? Like, and then at the end, maybe we could talk about your real name and how that's how people refer to you now. I don't know. I just think like, I think that there's more here that's kind of missing. I'm not 100% sure what it is though, to be honest. I mean, you touch on some different activities that you try out and I think that's cool. But I wanna see them where you wanna go from here. You know, you kind of say that you're still wondering about life and that's fine. If you wanna leave things open, at the very least, think about like what steps you're going to take that will allow you to progress while still having options, while still having alternatives. You know, cause yeah, we don't know necessarily where life goes but will you still be pursuing your interests in chess and music? Will you, are you looking for new things that you wanna try out to help you figure it out? How do you feel that your studies are gonna help you define that as well? You have unanswered questions, that's fine. Propose some answers. Think about what those answers could be and how you feel about that. And that might help you kind of finish this. I feel like it's a little incomplete right now. So you got some space to work it. Anyway everybody, that is all the time I have for today. I actually really gotta get going. I got a meeting that's supposed to start in like four minutes and it's been a pleasure. Thank you so much. So this week there will be a video about SAT practice tests that I have found and reviewed and I'm actually working to make better for you guys. So that's coming out this week, please stay tuned. And I will be doing some supplemental writing essays like on the weekend. I'm thinking about doing like supplemental Saturdays or Sundays, depending on how my weekends go and how much in-person events I'm doing because I have a lot, but I wanna get through some before the deadlines come around to November. So if there's any supplemental essays you'd like me to check out, please let me know and we could maybe write some of those in-person. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much for all of your time here. And yeah, have a great week.