 This week's episode is sponsored by Change. Change is an online mentoring program that teaches people with no experience how to create a real profitable online business and e-commerce. I have been working with Ryan at Change for a few years now and attended many events and got to meet the amazing community of like-minded people. These guys are the best of the best. The support these guys offer is personal, no bots or employees. There's no experience needed but like anything in life it takes time as it's a real business with real results. For more information go check out Ryan on Instagram at RyanGiB and he will guide you through the steps to help build a successful business. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. I have felt suicidal and I've plotted it all out in my mind what I would do when I would do it. Wait for my kids to go to sleep you know where I would go what I would do and it breaks my heart because then I look at them and I'm like they don't deserve that and then some of me says maybe they do deserve that because maybe they'd be better off without me because some days are a struggle for me. Because so much problems ruined my relationship, ruined my career, they ruined you know me as a person I used to have so much more confidence you know with all of this stuff it kind of put a dampener on me and it was just all the time no matter where I was or what I did they were there you know watching what I was doing even when I'm not at work anymore or the police like to brush it under the carpet because as I said to you earlier there's so many real crazy like real criminal things going on with cops murdering you know raping and all of this the statistics that come out all the time of all the convictions of police officers I saw things that cops were doing when I was in. It's very corrupt put it this way I would rather go out and deal with like walkthrough streets of London on my own you know without my stab vest on and I'd feel safer than I was going to work with my own damn colleagues because I'd more likely get a knife in my back from them than I would out there and that's how sad it is. And boom we're on today's guest we've got Leanne Carr, Leanne how are you? Good thank you how are you? Yeah really well thank you first and foremost thanks for coming on the show police officer to only fans but it's not as easy as a kind of jump to that even through a lot with the coppers and stuff which we'll touch on later on in an interview first and foremost thanks for coming on the show I'll always go back to the start of my guest so get a wee bit of understanding about you where you grew up how it all began. Well thanks for having me first of all it's nice to meet you and to get this opportunity just to have my say on things and so basically I joined the police after being at university I got a degree in criminology and forensic science and I always wanted to be a scenes of crime officer so it wasn't my plan to be in the police but halfway through my degree I realized that actual fact you didn't need a degree any longer to become a scenes of crime officer so it kind of spent a lot of money on student debt and stuff like that and the pay for it then was become like an apprenticeship so you'd join and be a scenes of crime officer trained on the job but I had this degree so I was like I don't want to have a low-paid job and pay off my student debt forever so I saw the police were recruiting so I applied and there was two roles there was a call taker so a call handler in the force control room so basically when someone rings the police you have your emergency calls and your non-emergency calls so I worked there but I applied for both jobs at the same time so the police and the call handler and I was in my first week of my training of call handler when my police application was accepted so I did for a whole year working in the control room so 999 calls had come in and you'd basically take details onto a computer system and then the controllers would dispatch the cops to it so because of how long it takes for all the steps of recruitment to be a police officer I did that for a whole year so the experience I got from that was great because I saw the inside of the job and obviously when I got into training and out on the streets I'd seen the other side of it so that was good so yeah I started in the police and I had a good couple of years in the beginning everyone was really great supportive I had like good sergeants good inspectors behind me and I saw a lot of potential in me my line managers and I went for what was called a high development scheme high potential development scheme HPDS it was called back then where it's like fast track promotes you so I went through all of that because kind of was talent spotted and you know she's got something and I went I went and did that and they said to me that I needed to go away and get some experience which it was supposed to be about potential so it didn't really make much sense but I was like you know what I'm not going to dampen my spirit so I sat my sergeants exams you have to do two years probation before you can be promoted or to put in to be promoted so I did my two years probation was signed off as independent and all the rest and then I went and didn't sat my sergeants exams so there's different elements to it you have to do a written lower exam and then you have to go to a coventry you have to do scenario based stuff so there's maths and there's role play exercises and lots of different elements to it and then after you've done that you have a fitness test as well so there's lots of steps which is why I was in that control room for a whole year whilst that was so obviously after my two years I sat my sergeants exams and I was promoted quite quickly and that's when my problems started to happen in the police because I had a lot of people who were jealous a lot of cops come into it not as young they come from other backgrounds so they've done a little bit of military service or they come to it as a second job so they've had you know a bit of life experience or whatever and I think that was what the problem was people didn't like me telling them what to do with my limited experience of policing having only two years but you know I went through the same process that was for everyone you know you just sit your exams and if you're successful and you pass it there's also a promotion board at the end of it so you you sit in front of a panel of HR and then two high ranking officers I think Deputy Chief Constable and whoever else they put on your panel so there's lots of processes to go through for the promotion so it's it's not like something that's given to you easily you have to work your socks off for it and this is what like is upset me through the policing process it's because of jealousy and bullying and harassment that I've ended up coming to where I am now and being in the place I am which is not a very good place and so that's when the problem started to happen and people not being like to be told what to do but and I was like a decent you know a decent sergeant I look after my staff I saw a lot of a lot of things that were done terribly in the police like bosses would you know use somebody as an example to get the next rank you know they felt the need that they needed discipline somebody to make an example of somebody to prove that they were capable of that rank and I was never like that I was supportive I was a really in my my views really good to my staff and looked after them and so obviously there I was as a sergeant I was struggling and with people kind of starting to titl title and we have or the police have in place a system that's supposed to be for corruption so if for example you have you're concerned about somebody being corrupt or somebody's doing something and you're too scared to speak up about it or to challenge that person you can anonymously submit a report and that system in the force where I served was called Bad Apple so basically you fill in a form and it goes off and it's supposed to be encrypted and all the identity of the author is taken away and it goes to professional standards who look at that and then they kind of assess it and decide what they're going to do with that information now in the police that system was became obviously what caused me to be become unwell with my mental health and allowed for the bullying and harassment of me to go on so I was started to get lots and lots of these reports and they'd be really really pathetic silly things like oh Leanne's wearing pink nail varnish Leanne's just got a Porsche Leanne's modeling now with my my social media I enjoy my social media I enjoyed traveling and my ex-partner is good with photography and videography and I went to the gym you know sometimes before I had children two three times a day I'd sometimes go worked hard to have a nice figure and to look nice and add nice pictures you know traveling in my annual leave and obviously some of these reports were saying oh she's modeling so obviously professional standards picked on that and they was like oh you know what you need to submit a business interest for modeling and I'd be like I'm not modeling this is my personal social media it's my Instagram account it's for my personal use I don't get paid for it I don't pay anyone to take the pictures of me and this is where they started to really then because I tried to stand up for myself with professional standards I think this is where it became a problem because it was like you know what back in your box you know we're telling you that you are modeling and I'll be like I'm not modeling now this is where obviously the problems and the bad Apple reports were coming in all the time all the time all the time and because of obviously my promotion as soon as I got my sergeants I sat my inspectors which is your next rank up because it's a slightly higher pass rate on the the lower side of element of your you sit the same lower example you got to higher pass rate to be an inspector and I thought while the knowledge is fresh in my mind from sitting the sergeants I'm going to sit the inspectors so I did that and I'm passed and obviously people were seeing that and some of the bad Apple reports were saying you know what she's having affairs in the police because obviously how is she getting these ranks she's a golden girl she's got a silver spoon in a in a mouth you know she's got some sugar daddy in the police and it was just all really like pathetic nonsense which I expected you know maybe professional standards would step in and say you know enough is enough this isn't right and with the the model inside of it obviously still still was taking my pictures and posting them and they were like oh no you can't do that we've told you you're modeling they they asked they made me submit a business interest for modeling in the end so I did it and and submitted it and of course they rejected it they said obviously we don't approve this this this business interest application I don't really think much of it because I was like you know what you told me to do it you're saying that you're not going to accept it so it would all seem to silly process but then what happened is the next thing they they served me papers for misconduct for modeling despite my business interest application being rejected so I was see when they've told you to send away for that is that you're basically admitting that you do that but they've let's so they've told you to send a way for it you sent away from where it's got rejected but if they then got that there to say well you're making money from this so it's like a little setup yeah that's almost what it felt like like a setup so basically they're saying you're modeling I said I'm not modeling they said well you need to submit an application form to me saying and you know when when you're in the police and and it's police officers and high-ranking police officers telling you to do something you kind of feel obliged to you don't have any protection you have federation reps and even now the federation reps are like we don't we're not comfortable we don't think this is this is a business interest however just do it anyway so you do something and you submit it and they go well thanks for submitting your application to say that you're modeling but we're going to reject it so it was like a setup you know I did what they told me to do and then they rejected it so then the next thing is I've gone away on holiday somewhere and I've taken lots of we've had lots of pictures taken and the really good ones and I'm posting them on my social media and they're like oh you've you've gone against what's in your business interest so now you're going to go through the misconduct process so that involves me gathering evidence and sitting there in front of a panel of somebody independent of saying actually you're guilty of misconduct so straight away I've got this misconduct finding which it's quite a horrible process for police officers to go through that because it's stressful you know when they served me those papers I was absolutely devastated I had to take time off it really affected my mental health you know I was like really really hard working in the police and all I wanted to do was get my next rank at past day exams and I also had an injury with my shoulder which I don't know if you've heard of method of entry it's where you use a big red key where you go and do warrants or drugs raids or whatever and you put the door in now I I did riot policing because I'm kind of one of these people that thinks you know I can do that you know you don't need to be big tough and strong to do it and in policing I kind of I'm not a big person but I used my the way I speak to people a lot to get people to come round I really loved like doing negotiations you know people are feeling suicidal people who need that help I like talking to people and I think the mouth and the way that you speak to people is a far more powerful tool than using muscle you know I just that's just my way of dealing with people so I did the riot policing and obviously I managed the bustle of men majority because that's who do it and we do things like you know protests that's the kind of things that you go to in riot policing you go to protests or you go to you know it could be like a big drugs bust or whatever else and they're the kind of things football as well that's another thing where you get the the PSU police support unit they call them so part of that because I wanted to do that they made me do the enforcer training with the big red key and that's how I hurt my shoulder so I had to spend a lot of time on restricted duties as well you know I was on medication and I've had two operations because I tore my bicep tendon and I think people looked at me and they were like you know she's not having to work night shifts you know she's she's um she's on the she's on these these restricted hours um and I think there was a lot of jealousy in that as well and this seemed to make those reports those bad apple reports as anonymous things worse you know I'd already had them attacking me about the modeling thing and I'd already been served these papers and found guilty misconduct and I think the professional standards department we're getting all these reports in and they were almost like we need to do something with her about her so rather than saying you know to to whoever it is who's submitting these reports because I understand that they can still respond to that person and I don't know whether there is anything in the fact it is truly encrypted because I've heard of things in the past where people have submitted something and it's been something that's really like detrimental and they've managed to get back in touch with that person so I don't you know I don't buy that it's completely anonymous but did you ever know who was putting the complaints on no I mean I've gone through a whole um how many people you working with there's only about twelve thirteen hundred in the force that I was working six I think it's second largest county with the fewest officers but you know yourself with ones against you they can have a little three or four friends and off allegations enough statements against your complaints then that's going to stick people higher up are not maybe seeing what's really going on because I can see you're a wee bit shaken and a wee bit emotional with everything that's went on and if they've got enough complaints I'm thinking well maybe something's not right yeah so I got called in for like what they call an ethical interview to say like oh tell us about this tell us about that so obviously trying to speak to them about about it you know and there's just really like bad bad view of um the whole thing with the modeling and stuff like that it's it's almost like there's so many things that I've gone on with cops you know corruption and things like that I mean we see in other forces you know cops who have stopped and then gone on to kidnap and and rape and murder and you know there's so many cases high profile cases with cops doing real things wrong and if the worst thing you want to attack me because I've got a good Instagram but with good pictures because I go to the gym because I look after myself you know that's sexual discrimination in itself all day long I was good at my job find something on me that means that I'm not performing you know a performance issue or something but they couldn't find anything on like that and it's almost like all these reports are coming in as you just said so we've got we've got to find there's got to be something in this um and you expect obviously with the police for them to take action you know people report stalking they report harassment they report bullying and the police are duty bound but it seems that when you're in and it's happening to you um the police are not very good at looking after their own and it's very it's very very sad that it comes to that to be honest with you do you feel let down by that absolutely let down I mean this is only this is only like the start of where the problems were for me um completely let down because I kept saying to them all the time and I um I got an out of force federation rep to to support me uh from a bigger force area and obviously um was with me through that misconduct investigation where they found me guilty in the end and um he said like if this happened in my force this this wouldn't be allowed to happen because it's ridiculous but you know it's there's there's so much corruption in there because one of the the person who was supposed to be independent who was overlooking my um the allegation of the modelling he was supposed to be independent and not be involved at all um he'd previously worked in professional in in the professional standards department and I raised that and I said he's worked in your department before and they turned around and said oh you know um that was a long time ago he's in completely independent what happened after he found me guilty of misconduct is he got promoted into that department so everything about it was you know it just stinks it's it was just horrible you know it's just so much corruption after corruption it's almost like they all had you know the secret handshake you know well let's do something with her and everything else it just do you feel that if you're escaped go up for somebody's promotion I feel partly that and I feel partly because I stood up for myself and tried to be like no this isn't this isn't right I didn't roll over I didn't delete Instagram posts I didn't admit that I was modelling because you know what I wasn't I got paid for nothing just because I look the way I do I'll train and I go on nice holidays on my annual leave why should I be treated differently to anybody else everybody has the same opportunities in life the same opportunities to be promoted the same opportunities to look after themselves um it wasn't anything to do with the way that I was performing in the workplace which is what was the upsetting thing so then if we we move a little bit further forward um I'd taken time off as well because when they serve the misconduct papers it's horrendous like you feel as though the whole world is crashing down on you and when you found me guilty of misconduct um you have uh you get served like a notice and if I have to go to court for something I have to disclose this misconduct finding to the court and I was so embarrassed I was like every time I was dealing with something I think if I have to go to court and then that gets brought up at court what I'm gonna admit to the courts that oh yeah I've got a finding for misconduct because I continued to model despite I'm not a model despite the facts that I put business interest in and it was rejected it was all like really strangely done and it was just I tried all the time to have these meetings to speak to people and it was just everything that I was doing was being scrutinized every time I went to work I was scared that I was going to be told I'll just come with us into this room because it happened three times I was served with misconduct papers three times and um for all the same things you're all along the same thing so the the last one um for me the for me that really got to me as well was I was contacted by professional standards to say the head of professional standards she seemed to have a problem with me because she was always saying I need to meet you about this and she'd always bring this other lady with her that seemed to be some or she claimed to be a social media expert who said that if you have more than 12,000 followers I think her number was then you as a class as an influencer so you need to put all your social media on I streamed on um twitch at the time which is obviously where you stream games you can stream whatever you want games whatever um and because I was gaming um I had to declare to them in my business interest that I was doing that even though there was loads of coppers that were streaming games and you know um they didn't care about that but because it was me for some reason I had to put this in a business interest as well they wanted all these different things covering you know how many followers I had and all of this and it was just yeah um if everybody else is doing it then why you why do you feel like you're a target I don't know I feel as though did you ruffle any feathers in there or were you no this is the thing and I would understand if I think I ruffled feathers by people being jealous because obviously I I'd spent some time on restricted due to discuss my shoulders and it felt like oh look she's she's uh and I feel because I got promoted which I did through my own hard work I feel as though people had their noses turned up because of that and I feel with the professional standards and the way they kept gunning for me it's because I didn't roll over and say you know what you're right I'm sorry and every time they told me delete this picture or do this or do that I didn't roll over and say I stood up for myself and said no it's not it's not right you're not an influencer if you've got over this many thousand followers my social media is for my personal use and enjoyment and I tried to reason with them saying instead of saying you know what sorry and I I tried to kind of do that um I don't know this lady who worked within she was one of the civilians that worked with there and as part of my I ended up getting a legal advice basically with a view to obviously taking action against the police and I had a claim running for I think it was six years in the end um and when I got all the disclosure from that I saw that the professional standards department had printed off loads of stuff from the internet about what it means to be verified on instagram what it means to be an influencer so I think this claim that she was a social media expert was a self-proclaimed you know it's just that somebody had been tasked with find out what it means because I don't think they understood themselves what it meant. How long was asking on for? A long time like so basically I was after two years of being a sergeant so from around 2015 so in 2015 as well like that was my first misconduct in 2015 was because on Christmas day I went to a colleague's house for a cup of tea so I'm from Yorkshire I don't I don't I didn't work in in Yorkshire so on Christmas day all cops can go home on Christmas day to see their families to let their kids open the presents because I wasn't from the area um and I was on my own at Christmas I went with one of my colleagues who was going home his wife was there his two little girls opened presents and then went and got on with our with our jobs basically went to a custody suite I did the reviews because I was an inspector at this point so I was doing what they call acting so I passed my promotion I was in the rank of acting inspector and um and then so I did all basically went and reviewed people's detention in custody we took a prisoner who'd been in overnight back to the area where we were going and somebody reported that via bad apple system again or several people did and I got pulled in by a chief inspector who was the area commander after Christmas and got served with misconduct papers saying that I neglected my duties as a police inspector by going to somebody's house on Christmas day which is what everyone did and went through a hole over a year for them to find um there was no findings of misconduct so yet again obviously there was a modeling one where they found me guilty there was this one where they didn't find me guilty because there was no misconduct um and uh and then obviously I have a third misconduct where basically they was looking at monitoring my social media all the time and basically if I wore a brand of something they'd be like you haven't submitted um you haven't obviously told us that you're working for them you're modeling for them and I'd be like I'm not so we had a new chief uh we had a new assistant chief constable come in and I was off work sick at the time um deputy chief constable sorry he was a deputy um a Scottish guy and he came in and he was like look what can I do to get you back in the workplace and I said to him look this is what's been happening to me I'm getting all these bad apple reports I've been told that I'm modeling I've done this business interest I've been found guilty of misconduct and it was like whoa no no no no no I'm all about like pushing women to do well in the police and you know I'm all about driving women to be successful in policing let me let me get you back into the workplace because I was off sick at this point you know I was so stressed out I've been on medication for years you know for anxiety and depression because of all of this um he says let me let me look at this um I'm gonna get all that business interest stuff washed off doesn't need for you to have one even though I'd already been found guilty of it didn't get rid of my finding from misconduct but he's like I haven't got a problem even if you did do modeling you know if you modeled in your swimsuit fine by me if you did lingerie I might be a little bit more dubious because obviously you're still like at the face of the public but I wouldn't say no um let me sort this out and let's get you back into the workplace so basically in the beginning he was like really really like supportive he was trying to get me back to work and all the rest of it and then still all these bad apple reports are going in and professional standards are still on my back and I have the head of professional standards saying you wearing um you wearing rock star energy and I'm like yeah that's you know I'm not working for them I've just I bought it you know you can buy from America we want receipts we want proof that you have purchased that yourself like this is ridiculous you know another police officer might be wearing added ass it doesn't have to prove where you know how he got that added ass top he's not sponsored by them he's not being paid by them he's just wearing it it just seemed to be everything that I did was being watched and monitored and this is where I say harassment bullying you know stalking my accounts my social media and they'd send me emails with you know prints of my social media posts and imagine like being called to a meeting and then you know senior ranking officers sat around the table with my instagram pictures of me in swimsuits and stuff blown up to a four size you know embarrassing you know I know it's on social media and people say oh I've got no sympathy putting it out there expect for people to see it but to be sat there and saying explain yourself why you've got this why are you wearing this or what's going on here you know it's like I just felt like you know it was just too much it was just you know completely like in my life in my world um caused so much problems ruined my relationship ruined my career they ruined you know me as a person I used to have so much more confidence you know with all of this stuff it kind of put a dampener on me doing because I was doing my uh I did personal training qualifications during lockdown um because obviously I was on maternity leave because I have my my first child and I was doing on on twitch I was doing um personal training I was on maternity leave I was still getting harassed by the police you know oh um how much money are you making on twitch you know you need to you need to tell us about that because we need to consider whether that now needs to go in a business interest and it was just all the time no matter where I was or what I did they were there you know watching what I was doing even when I'm not at work anymore um and as I said about them printing off my accounts and stuff they had this big massive deal about rock star energy you know make the energy drinks and um I I kept arguing with this this head of professional standards you know it's mine there's nothing in it so I thought you know I'm going to go back to that that deputy chief constable who said that it's support me again and I went and I called a meeting with him and it was I think it was not long before or just after Christmas around that time and I called in this meeting with him and he um when I got in there with him he had that head of professional standards with him sat next to him and he had a legal representative sat there and I went without any support so no federation rep or anything I thought I was going to have a chat with somebody who'd previously been supportive and for a whole hour hour and a half they completely destroyed me brought me to tears it was basically telling me that she this this woman head of professional standards said things like you know you've gone running to mommy mommy says no and now you've gone running to daddy isn't saying that you know this is how they spoke to me belittled me made me feel like trash like a baby you know you do as you're told and this this deputy chief constable screaming at me across his table same distance to what you are now basically telling me that because I was wearing rock star like nobody previously told me this I couldn't give them the opportunity to tell them that they were wrong he's saying rock star energy makes the game grand theft auto and I'm saying no no it doesn't it doesn't you know they're different entities rock star games was a different founder different place to the energy drink they're different companies and he's like look I'm telling you I'm from Glasgow I know I've been to their head office and I know that rock star energy makes the game grand theft auto and by you wearing that on a bikini on a hat in grand theft auto you can drive cars and you can kill prostitutes so basically you doing this you wearing this is condoning the killing of prostitutes and that means it's incompatible with policing and I've told you when you are not listening and this on everyone is like banging on the desk and they were shouting it when I was like you know I you know he's like you're never going to get promoted and all of this stuff because I was back to sergeant at this point you know so not only are they accusing me of stuff it's almost like I was just destroyed basically I couldn't even walk down the steps I was from this meeting with no support no one having my back and I was like yet again I got in there because I wanted to speak to him say look this this woman in professional standards is telling me to remove these these and these images and you've said to me before you've not got a problem with my social media and what I post so I went to him for help you know and to having to have that woman an illegal rep in a meeting you know and and screaming shout at me and telling me basically because I'm not listening I'm not doing as I'm told you know treating me like a child that I'm not going to be promoted and you know and I just I just couldn't I couldn't deal with with them and I think someone got me on the stairs and got some somebody to come and sit with me and it took me like an hour and a half to calm down to be able to drive the hour an half back home because I was so so upset by it I've been attacked by the media because all these are on the rest reports you know professional standards were dealing with me but I think the cops whoever it is was reporting me or maybe even professional standards were putting a few in themselves you know who knows because I wasn't doing as I'm told maybe they were involved as well um they there was reports in there I've got to see them and the only reason I've got to see them is because I got a lawyer I got legal team solicitor and it was basically going to be for for work work based stress causing me to have obviously mental health issues depression anxiety because of bullying and harassment in the workplace and I am so I had obviously the legal team and this is the only way I've got to see these bad apple reports and read them and physically have a look at them and there was so many like pages and pages hundreds and hundreds reports admittedly by professional standards and the police's own accounts the worst case the worst number of reports through that system that they've ever seen on any cop in the history of policing and that to me says something if you know that and you can you know then why aren't you standing up and saying collectively to the whole force this needs to stop you know and and you know should then become a victim I asked them to crime you know harassment and they refused to do it it's not harassment but if anybody else remember the public walked in and said you know I'm having all these reports it would be harassment then so with the media thing in 2018 some of those bad apple reports were saying or maybe I should tell the newspaper about this maybe I should do this maybe I should do that so obviously whoever these people were were then making the threat that they were going to go and to the newspaper and it seemed every time I come back into work from a period of sick because of my mental health which may I add was something that was I was told to do by our own and you have your own force occupational health so I was sent to occupational health by work and they deemed me unfit for work because obviously I was too stressed to deal with it they took me off front line policing because they didn't want me to make you know command decisions as a supervisor because my head wasn't straight you know so everything that I was enjoying doing was being pulled away from me all the time all the time it's been snatched away from me snatched away from me so everything that I loved and enjoyed so in the end the occupational health doctors said you know you're not fit for work until they complete these misconduct investigations you're not fit to come back to work so obviously you go to your doctor you get signed off and obviously the the bad apple reports are still happening while I'm off sick and somebody does go to the media so I think I came back to work and the first or second day back at work I got told I needed to go up and see some other supervisor and he had an email from I think it was the Daily Mail that said they were going to they were going to run a story on the facts that I was traveling the world at the taxpayer's expense whilst off whilst off work sick now you and I know because we use social media and everybody in the world knows that you can post a picture right now of you being in Paris for example it doesn't mean you're in Paris so you know what I enjoyed my social media I had a lot of support on there and I was still post even when I was off work why shouldn't I no one said that I couldn't post anything but what would happen is um whoever it was who'd gone to the press at saying that whilst I was off work sick I was in all these places you know so the press run an article I think in 2018 saying you know a glamorous cop traveling the world at taxpayer's expense and you know ran it went worldwide it wasn't just local it was you know in every country that you can imagine and there was there was stuff articles done online and old magazines and things like that you know I was being slandered and I always kept my mouth shut because I had obviously legal advice and support and I didn't I know how the media can twist things and turn things and I thought if I stand up for myself or I try and give my version of it then you know it's just going to get twisted I don't know who to trust I don't know I lost a lot of my if I can't trust the police as a police officer if the worst has happened to me then how can I trust anybody else and I still have trust issues now because the police are supposed to be there to protect you know to uphold to uphold the law to protect you to support you and if I as a police officer I'm getting you know bullied and harassed and tormented and you know victimized and destroyed you know me made mentally unwell by my own then how do I who do I turn to who protects me why did you stick it so long um I kind of think about deleting your Instagram I'm putting it private as well whether you're just so stubborn towards it I'm not bowing down to you yeah I think because I got in so deep with it I wanted to stand up for myself to be like you know what you're wrong you're wrong you can't why can't I be why do I have to be different to anybody else in the police you're not making him her or him anybody delete theirs you're not making them make theirs private you're not telling them to pull posts and I kind of felt like because I had legal advice and I had a federation rep from outside of force that was on my side and it was kind of like you know what what you're doing is no different to what I see in my force you know I kind of felt I need to stick at this I've started it I've dug my heels in I wanted to make a stand you know we're in 2023 now cops have tiktok and all sorts and that wasn't well it was starting to be a thing before I left now you've got cops doing full tiktoks in front of police cars when they're on duty you dance about gay pride and fucking madness dying of hair and and all I'm doing is is having nice pictures I'm posting them on my social I'm not there's no racial language there's no there's nothing everything is a positive inspirational quote it's like work hard you know do this do this and you can have this too everything's positive even though my whole world was crashing down and this is why when I was off sick with my mental health and I was really struggling and I was really dark posting that picture with a positive like you'll never see anything dark or depressing on my on my social media not sexual no nothing nothing because even though like I'm feeling the way I am inside I want to I want to portray that I'm happy and this and the other because people don't like to read doom and gloom I think there's been two or three posts that I did since I resigned from the police where I've posted the picture in knowing uniform where I've said it's for this reason bullying harassment but kept it very you know minimal words um and I will have my say because I I do want to have my say I've kept my mouth shut I've not I've not although I stood up for myself when I was in to some extent they've still won in some in some extent some ways they have some ways they haven't because in some respects I've left now they've got what they wanted all of it was a push to get me out you know I was too much of a problem child clearly you know I didn't listen I didn't roll over I didn't do what I was told because honestly I don't believe that if you are not doing anything wrong you shouldn't be able to stand up for yourself you know and as I said people have TikToks of post pictures of them in uniform they're doing all sorts of stuff now and that's allowed you know times change people need to move on and just people you know police officers are real people they have real lives they're still going holiday they still get to the gym why can't they share that you know why was it made into such a big deal then this is a thing I would love to know myself did you have like an affair with anybody like sleep with anybody's man would have just because it seems a bit extreme for somebody being jealous of just an Instagram account yeah how in depth they've went with all the complaints with the media that was there any anything like you could have done maybe I've passed them off a bit because they've went extreme they've went next level to destroy you they've seen you being destroyed though yeah and they've been getting maybe some kind of fucking fun from it did you mind going deteriorating that when did it come on top for you in the mindset when it's just completely broke when I when it broke me um so no this is the thing I always looked all the time I wanted to know all the time what is it that I've done that really really great on some with it why are people so horrible you know what is it and I honestly think it's just jealousy they just looked at me and thought you know she's being promoted she's she gets to go on these holidays she's got these nice pictures women account my instagram got um got verified shortly after all that media stuff because there was a media thing you know and then people that think that made people a bit worse because they thought I'm gonna destroy her but actually it got something out of it because I got verified and obviously I went my instagram blew up and it grew loads of followers and stuff like that because people were interested yes don't get me wrong there was lots of lots of negative things said you know you know what people like and a lot of people dislike the police but actually there are some decent people in the police not everyone should be labeled the same way as as as made out but I've also had the worst experience and and on heart now I've left the police I've probably got three or four people that I'm actually friends with that have remained friends with and I've been out now since since almost three years and that's sad because even in the depths of your despair the ones who you think that are your buddies that actually not now people are quick to turn their back on you so I needed people as part of my legal case to be witnesses oh yeah mate I'll be witness you know I've seen what they're doing to you it's awful it's awful when it comes to the crunch and they have to put pen to paper disappear yeah and this is the world yeah the thing is you've learned the hard way yeah you've been naive to people just talking pure shit and I would love to know why you know I've never done anything to anybody I always tried to be a good boss you know I never had to to challenge or stick anybody on or get you know to do anybody's legs to get my promoted I worked hard and I think I am just a victim of my success in that I wanted to work hard I want I knew what I wanted and I went for it and I just didn't bow down and and and listen to for them telling me oh you've done this you've done that but because I believed that I would you know I'd done nothing wrong I wanted to stand up for myself so I think um yeah I just how hard does it for a female to bend the coppers um it's it is hard it's still very much a male dominated place did you feel as if a lot other girls struggled or was it just did you just feel like the target was on you I I felt as though it was personally on me I don't there's there's a few there's very few women and I don't know a lot there wasn't many that obviously use their social media in the way that I did and was successful in that sense but you know I enjoyed that aspect of it I created it and I wanted to be positive and I did my fitness and I shared my fitness journey and my travel and stuff like that so I was different in that sense in that I had this passion to have the two things and I don't think the police then felt like you could have those two things you know if you're a public figure you should just come to work and do policing you shouldn't have that presence online why shouldn't you you know my accounts were completely separate people in my social media world thought that I was a personal trainer no one knew I was a cop the first time they knew I was a police officer was in 2018 when that colleague went to the newspaper and said look look at this Instagram look at her she's traveling the world at the taxpayers and they started writing all these articles then they knew I was a police officer I don't understand though how people came with photos on the beach can what's their method behind like not having a big social media not putting bikini photos on I don't understand it no what is the message behind it is it for your own protection or what is that they didn't really have one basically they're trying to make out was muddling and this is where they say even if you were can't you do side hustles if you're in the coppers if you submit to business interest like us yeah so you can have anything I think there's only a few things I can't do you can't basically have like a public house or you can't be married to somebody who owns a pub or something because of the legal aspects of landlords and stuff but if you made a craft or you did this or you did that or you put modelled or whatever on the side as long as you've done a business interest or basically you can rent out property that's a side hustle as long as you made them aware and it's all taxed and stuff like that seems very controlling yeah but you can do it as long as you make them aware but this is the thing they said I was modeling I said I'm not modeling they said well submit business interest okay well you're telling me I have to so I submitted one they rejected it and then did me for misconduct you have a source I do with it all yeah I have and even now I have my moments and it makes me sad because I've got two beautiful kids you know I am I always got asked and this is just me being completely honest now like when I went to the when I went to see the force occupational doctor and this is what made me upset as well because whilst they were claiming I was traveling the world at the tax payers expense off of my mental health I had to go to all these meetings you know see my own GP see the force doctor and and you know be in different places see my federation rep you know and so how could I be you know traveling the world whatever just because I'm posting that I'm happy it doesn't mean I am I even got told by the force nurse she says to me if you were fat and ugly you wouldn't be having these problems right now and for a force nurse to tell you that that the reason I'm having these problems is because of that tell you something speaks volumes you know she's a nurse who's seeing me at my lowest I mean yeah okay it's not very helpful advice but there's something in that you know she's saying oh you know this is why people are people are attacking you and you know I have I have felt suicidal and I've one I've plotted it all out in my mind what I would do and I would do it wait for my kids to go to sleep you know where I would go what I would do and it breaks my heart because then I look at them and I'm like they don't deserve that and then some of me says maybe they do deserve that because maybe they'd be better off without me because some days are a struggle for me some days are a struggle and now I've just got back into doing my fitness streaming again I've gone over to a new platform which is kick and there kind of we've got to which I'm here that's always been there kicks quite new they're a streaming platform and I started doing my I went over there probably about six weeks ago now and I was on there and it's a basically half American half Australian site that the people behind it are and I went on there and one of the staff and talent spotted me and they were like oh you know we like the fact that you do fitness I took a personal training qualification when we were in lockdown because I was streaming over on on twitch my workouts I did pilates and personal training and so I've got these qualifications and I spoke to this this guy and they kind of like the kick team you know the support team and the staff behind it and they talent spotted me with like we really want to push our fitness aspect of our platform and so I'm working towards and partnered being partnered by them and so I'm online doing my fitness training and stuff like that and you know I have to paint on this image and people think oh look at her she's so confident you know she's you know she's she's got a good figure she does this at the other people don't see the side of me when I have to turn my lights off at night and when I'm not on camera you know and what it's done to me and how it's destroyed me yeah I have to be positive in front of people and I help I'm one of these people who wants to help other people but I don't get a lot of help back you know what the police have done to me is they've destroyed me and it was never unwell with my mental health before you know it's pushed me to the point of not wanting to be here anymore you know it's destroyed my confidence it's ruined my relationship because when the media the media even found out where I lived came to my house and told my partner at the time oh you do know that she's having an affair you know to to antagonize him to get him to react you know it's caused me to lose my relationship and my brother and my dad in Yorkshire how the media find where people live is beyond me they went to my dad's house got a story out of him by trying to make out that they were you know they were trying to get a story on me from when I was a police officer and he didn't know any of the stuff that was happening made to me at work because kind of you want to protect your parents a little bit you want them to make them feel as though you're doing okay my brother his kids um I think they went to my brother's neighbor's house and told told the neighbor that he wasn't the father of his children you know to get him to react so that he kick off because it's a juicier story you know lots of stuff has happened to me because of what because what I've lived what I've lived through I was in the police for 13 years I loved it and you know the police are supposed to look after you I think on my last uh one one of the last misconducts my first day back at work they sent me on my own to the or there wasn't anybody to go so I went to to a guy who'd hung himself you know and I dealt with that as a single female officer that had just come back to work with obviously on with on recuperative duties they call it because we say I still wasn't feeling great with my own mental health and I go to a hanging you know and there's no there's nobody checking in on me if I need any support if I need any backup I just go on the deal with it do you think they've sent you there to break you it does yeah it it destroys you see I've interviewed enough coppers an undercover coppers man and the stuff that they see and they do it and the thing is there's no support for them no same as veterans I don't agree with wars but it was happen and the amount of veterans that are homeless basically going fight for us make us make us more powerful but yet when you come back nobody fights for them and that's it as you just upon in a game you leave there's something taking your place undercover coppers a guy always mentioned we went undercover but they failed 20 years man they went under seeing the sickest shit and it's kind of no support undercover prostitute kind of no support um Neil Woods great guy he used to do kid on there was a junkie had to pretend to take drugs sometimes and because his head's gone being another character and there's no support man for people who actually putting it out there in the front line to fucking help save people fuck them like you say there's good coppers as well I've interviewed a lot of decent person yourself and they're all sound everybody's fucking sound but I can see the destruction and unmindset yeah I can I've interviewed murderers that are sitting here calm as fuck but yet you're only trying to do the right thing and you're broken by it do you know what I mean that you take medication or anything now yeah yeah what do you take so I've got my tazapine for depression and and anxiety it's supposed to deal with both and then when obviously I was supposed to go to court recently um a couple of months just over a month ago march so take take the police to court for an employment tribunal type thing it's six years I was with the legal team for and it got to nine days before and the council so the head of uh of my case dropped it dropped the case said I'm not I'm not I'm not running with this anymore which left me in a in a predicament because obviously how am I going to find somebody else to present my case I'm not mentally strong enough to go and do it myself you know I've got like a 65 page written statement that I've brought in my back to there you know it's typed as well so 65 pages of typed that's my experience of my policing that was supposed to be my case that was going to court and um I got questioned in a meeting just before uh so the nine days before have you got only fans and I was like yeah uh and what are your earnings so I had to send my earnings to to them to look at all right well we'll have a meeting with her in an hour or so and that's when they come back and said oh yeah we're not uh we're not going to pursue your court case anymore after being with me six years having meetings for six years with a legal team taking statements my witnesses you know I had police witnesses um the date was set it being cancelled like three or four times because of lockdowns and everything and we had the date nine days before we're not doing it and this council just pulled the plug like that and we're like why does my only fans matter you know I I lost my job I have children to provide for I'm a single parent you know I have to pay you know for for child care I have to have to live and survive and you know what only fans isn't a big deal anymore you can do whatever you want on only fans you know it's it's a common thing like three years ago yeah people were a bit more like prude about it and yeah because of that so pulled the plug nine days before decided that that was the case and he said to me you know I they have an idea uh so the justice system supposed to be just and all the rest they have an idea of who potentially could be on um who could be the judge so they have a lineup of about five different people and he was like I know it's going to be and it's going to be this woman and basically she will have to view that she's never been allowed social media or to be herself on her socials because when you take the position of judge you have to completely sanitize your life and not any of that so she will form the view that you should have done the same so because of this and because of obviously the nature of your case that's it done dropped do you do you regret keeping your socials the way you said in the documentary no because I think to myself I've been for all I've I'm not malicious person and I don't want any I don't I would never have even wanted to do anybody's legs for what they've done to me I would just like to know why and if I can get anything out of this it would be to make sure that no one else goes through what I've been through either you know because things are different now socials have come on and changed and everything else I didn't have obviously only found and stuff when I was in and I wouldn't dream of it because obviously the rules are the rules but to have social media just because I look different or I look after myself I'm no different to anybody else so I I kind of feel as I needed to keep going into keep pursuing that yes some people might say well that's stupid you lost your career because of it but you know what if I can help somebody else I want I want to make sure that no one has to experience what I've experienced you know I've had messages from so many cops DMs in Instagram you know women men you know I was treated like this this has happened to me I'm going through this right now or I was in the military this is what happened to me it happens so much we're just blind to it I think or the police like to brush it under the carpet because as I said to you earlier there's so many real crazy like real criminal things going on with cops murdering you know raping and all of this the statistics that come out all the time of all the convictions of police officers I saw things that cops were doing when I was in and the worst that I was doing was posting on my social media you know I mean come on get rid of the program it just it just seems so wrong so I think I got so far and I was like I can't I can't um I can't back down now you know I need to stand up for what's right yeah fair play for that man respect for that but I could understand if you had only funds I get it if there was disciplinary reason you understand that million percent but for Instagram and that I kind of don't get it but like you say the shit that's happened with the metcorpers all the sex cases this and that and and you're thinking fuck say you're going through all that shit for what for showing a couple of bikinis and in your bikinis that see when you how much corruption how deep does it go though in the coppers with the madness like because like you say I always say this as well it was good and bad everywhere in life and I've come across some amazing coppers I never thought I would say that fucking 10 years ago but amazing people now I know understand what police officers have to go through on a daily basis the suicides you need to see kids fucking rapes and it's sad that shit that no human no human should ever see but they do it to try and clean up the streets and they generally want to clean up the streets listen there's pricks out there as well I've came across them yeah my fucking 40 years on this planet but how corrupt did you see it in the coppers um it's very corrupt put it this way I would rather go out and deal with like walk through the streets of London on my own you know without my stab vest on and I'd feel safer than I was going to work with my own damn colleagues because I'd more likely get a knife in my back from them than I would out there and that's how sad it is you know they always said in the police when I joined one of the big job losers would be to use a police national computer to look up somebody um that you know and people do it on family members or they get a new partner and they want to look up the x or whatever and that happens all the time and that's supposed to be like they always said to us that's the biggest job loser because you were abusing a national computer you know to find out information or on cars or whatever and I've seen people do that still keep the job it might get moved to a different station for a while you know and you know stealing things racial stuff you know um homophobic stuff people have said things and whatever else and they seem to go through these misconduct investigations and then it seems to be that they're fine you know either the found guilty or not guilty or whatever else and yet with mine there was nothing ever you know legal or anything like that yet I went through all of I did for what it just um yeah it just it's just not right how was it when it all broke in the papers for you um is that the breaking point yeah I mean it completely destroyed me when they did that because I just felt as I I weren't able to have my say I wish I kind of wish I had I kind of regret it but then I kind of think well I didn't they probably would have got twisted anyway so there was the first wave and then about a week later that was she's traveling the world at taxpayers expense in the bikini you know and then they did another one about a week later basically saying that was streaming games in my underwear for cash so basically trying to make out that was hustling money I mean if you did that on twitch then you would have got banned you know and because they put a picture in the paper and a clip newspaper clip of wearing like a dress like a nice summer dress but underneath I had a bikini top one so okay you're claiming that I'm doing it by underwear or my bikini because I'm wearing it under my clothes so it was just another try you know it was a second wave of media and they've done articles it seems like every six months or it you know this cop she's resigned from the police was then they did that one and then oh look at her now she's resigned from the police and she's got nearly a hundred thousand followers on instagram and they just seems to come around every so often oh the only fans won in November they've run an article on that so it's just like they seem to redo them every so often but I've never had the chance to say actually you know what this is the truth and these are the things I've been through I've always just I've probably not done myself any favors because people have never got to experience who I am or to understand really I've probably made it look like oh yeah I did travel the world you know that could be a negative when you when you don't say anything she's guilty what's she hiding yeah but you must stand and fight you've came this far you're nearly fucking suicide there's a good chance you might not have been here for what because if some prick says that you can't do this and can't do that fuck him yeah like you're here you're clearly here just to keep going and a lot of people take about inspiration that you never back down so you can fucking go with your head held high but there comes a time in life as well you've got to give yourself a fucking shake because no cunts come to save you and always repeat that stuff because you've already came through it all so it shows you how strong yeah you're here for a reason there's certain things people agree with there's certain things that don't but again it's not their life you've got kids that's the only thing that you should be fighting for fuck them words are powerful words do kill people words do destroy lives but there comes a time in your life you've got to take the reins there comes a time in your life you go do you know what they've damaged me long enough it's time to make fucking mass changes just to see the world a bit differently it's in the past you've sat here you've you're saying your piece people go do you know what for a plate yeah respect that and that's what it's all about that see me again through it all then and then how long did it take for you to go do only fans after it a good couple of years i only started in november and i left in november 2020 so yeah two years and how was that yeah fine it's it's a it's a different world it's just like you know if you can the thing is with me so i'm building my brand of me as my instagram the leeway i'm doing it as like personal training so with the kick thing i'm doing training on there i'm going to be partnered with them soon the only fans are all like you know sources of income and revenue that can come in to sustain my life because my career and my passion was to be in policing i wanted to stay in there i wanted to do it until i was retired you know and i kind of sometimes feel bad because i you know when you think your kids so they look at police officers and like oh my mummy is a police officer and feel proud of you i kind of you know sometimes feel a bit bad so i wanted and it kind of lights the fact that he would look at me and be like oh he used to be a police officer but you know this is better for me because i get to do what i want to do without people scrutinizing me all the time so it's a different world it's completely different and i am um i'm one of these people what you call it when so institutionalized almost i kind of feel as though you know i need to get up at a certain time and have to do this this and this and then my payday is on this day so it's a hard adjustment for somebody who for 13 years is used to set paydays used to set structure of ship patterns and all the rest to then be like oh you know what i've got to build my own business and my own brand now um but some part of me thinks well that's also quite exciting as well yeah listen it's your life yeah as long as you're not harming anybody listen i'm all for anybody doing what they want if you want to have an only fans listen do it if people want to pay for it do it they're not harming anyone there's certain things that i wouldn't want my kids doing or what i'm doing but that's my choices life's all about choices who the fuck is anybody to say i've interviewed enough porn stars and only fans girls and male to do the thing and they're all fucking sound they're not harming anybody yes it might fuck them upstairs but if i'm on it your head's already fucking gone that's what my cake looks like so make some money from it but it's clearly listen you've stood in for it and the reason you've not told your store their ends because you probably weren't strong enough no you've been wanting to come on this podcast for a while now yeah and there's something been holding you back in two days the day you get to see your piece yeah people can understand you wait a minute you've been through a fucking rough time you've been through under the bus people were against you you might know i've been an angel in there you could be on here talking pure shit i don't know but the fact that you're hearing same things from your side yeah it gives people a better understanding they can make their own assumptions and the bottom line is man there's a lot worse goes on in life there's a lot worse goes on in life what do you do now like how do you find some balance then with your life and try and move on from that because it's hopefully today can be that thing where you've released it then you feel a bit lighter yeah because you've been bottling up bottling up nobody believes in everybody hates me why they ought to get me yeah but there comes a time you've got to fucking let everybody go and move on or else it just damages you when you get two amazing kids that that's your main fight yeah fuck the police man like not a negative but the ones who were against you really that what they really do my life is that what they thrive on is trying to bring other people down yeah but like i said i don't have all the answers that what you've done or who you are but i can only judge from what i'm seeing now but there comes a stage where you've released that deep breath and okay how can i make positive changes with my life like how are you finding the balance now though with the attention and that you're getting now with the media and that yeah i mean that was my whole thing you've put that you hit the nail on the head there it's almost like releasing the pressure because i've kept my mouth shut and you're almost like pressure brow pressure brow and every so often i have these bursts because i can't deal with the emotion anymore so i have breakdowns i cry i question myself part of it was to come and speak to somebody who i trusted i like the work you do i like what you stand for and how you give people the opportunity just to speak and say how it is it's not like a an interrogation it's more of a come and speak to me i needed that because i needed to offload it's almost like therapy for me i'm not saying you're my therapist only chance for if i don't know that it's cheap so yeah that was part of it the second is i want to write a book and i'm not one of these people i said earlier that i don't want to name and shame people i could see it and i could like basically the people who know who watch this who know what they've done to me will know without me saying the name and they will know what they've done and they will know the truth behind it and you know to me that's that's my job done karma will get those ones who've done what they've done to me eventually i'll catch up with them to write a book to have the opportunity to speak to you to get my version of what's happened to me my book will basically be this is what happened to me these are my experience in more detail of what we've spoke about today so more in a sort of time-stamped manner of the whole process from start to finish because there's a lot to say and that will be therapy and i thought you know oh somebody else can do the hard work and write that actually no i've always maintained that i'm behind all my own socials because i think i do my own fitness training and all of that structure and organize my own workouts i don't just put on a video of somebody else doing it and get everyone to join in i i am the face behind my stuff so i don't want somebody else to write it because actually right putting that pen to paper and letting all of that come out it's going to be my therapy as well so now i think it's about building me back to where i was before so now i've let some of the pressure out and i'm going to do my book it's about focusing on my brand you know making sure that i can provide a good future for my children you know making sure that i can stand up for making sure i can encourage other people i've had so many people in my dms this has happened to me that's happened to me and i can help them give them advice and support in the same force that i'm in that's still happening to people you know some girls contacted me and said oh i've been told that i've got to make my tiktok private and delete some of them because they're sexualized a tiktok sexualized because she's showing a shoulder i'm like you know it's still happening so they clearly haven't learned anything from what's happened to me but if i can be somebody else's power somebody else's person that they can reach out to when they're in that deep dark place where i was then that's where i get my satisfaction from now from the facts that i've been through it and i've i'm coming out the other side it's been a difficult journey and it's not been easy but i still have done it you know and i need to give myself some credit for that sometimes and if i can help others build other people up women men with mental health issues whatever it might have happened to them then that's where i'll get it with their fitness with positivity whatever it is that i can help them that's what i'm gonna do that's what it's all about believe it i'm not the shit that you went through will beat you stronger you're clearly a fighter so you then you become the voice for the people who are too scared to speak out because in order destruction it comes if you don't dance to your tune we're gonna destroy you basically unless and that's not just any police force that's an probably majority any fucking job that you've got to abide by their rules or what we're just going to crush you and crush you and crush you or else the curves just sack you why did they not just sack you because i think they knew deep down that they didn't have anything to sack me for you can hide behind these misconduct things because to start with verbal warning written warning final little warning dismissal so that's why i think every time a misconduct to disappear there'd be another one and i had the written warning for the modeling thing and the the rock star energy thing probably would have i don't even know how that one got concluded i think then i went on maternity leave and i think they bend it off in the end that even when i wanted to come back off maternity leave i contacted them about the hours that i was going to be working because obviously my my youngest would have had to go to nursery and nursery doesn't open till half seven shifts start on earliest at seven and the area commander was like oh no you have to be here at seven and it's not it's not compatible for police and for you to drop him off for you to attend work at half seven i'd be like but i'll stay half an hour at the end of my shift no no it's not compatible but there's so many other women in the police and men who start their shifts and do family friendly hours and again it was seemed to be because it was me so i never went back you know i i got towards the end of my maternity leave they started causing problems with what my hours would be when i went back and i was like that's it i've got pull the plug now i can't i can't do this and i just held on to the fact that i had this legal case and i would fight through that process and hopefully you know get some somewhere out of that how was it working in the control room how hard the job is at like hearing people screaming down the phone that's quite stressful you've never had spoke to anybody that's done that job so how was that um it's horrible i've i've dealt with things where you know i've one of them that sticks in my mind the worst is a little girl oh boy i don't know about seven that says my dad stabbed my mum and she's dead and you have to listen to that and yeah you can hear the man in the background you know like oh what have i done what have i done and you can and you can just hear silence and this kid crying and it's like even now i've got goosebumps um i've also because i never worked in the area that i um lived however being the county where i was people came on holiday there and i once had to deal with the calls of one of my dad's best friend's stepson's got killed on the motorbike and with his real dad so basically my dad's best friends was the stepdad of this little boy who'd gone for the weekend with his real dad on the back of his motorbike to the seaside and had a collision with a car and was dead and i took weirdly that you can imagine a control room with all these different people sat in chairs both calls so the one about the crash didn't put two and two together then the one from the hospital that called the time of death of the little boy and both of those calls came to me and it's so weird that that would happen i think that working in that control room and listening to that and being not being able to deal with it is far more difficult than the cops on the ground because at least when you're on the ground you can process all the information you can help i think there's nothing worse than hearing it and not being able to help somebody i've i've found that more traumatizing listening and not being able to you know do you think that could have been the start of the mental health as well as like hearing that trauma and praying i don't i don't think so i don't i don't think because it's that stuff like i said it's not normal and trying to be a strong person and bottle all that stuff yeah do you know what i mean like hearing people and screaming i had an amazing man dan cross on and he has missed his phone to him and somebody was bugging on the house the burglar coming and killed her while these two kids were still in the house they just he was miles away it's a mad story and such an amazing man like but you can see the pain as well that so there's a lot of trauma you deal with as well it's not just the shit that went through all the the madness it went against it's just the other stuff that comes with it like there's a much training for that sort of job like afterwards and fairy pair people used to be they used to be you know when i was first in the job we used to have like 15 cops on one shift and it was amazing there's 15 you'd always be double crewed and stuff like that and then it went down to that same police station now they have three four or five of them on a shift and there was a trim they call it trauma some i can't remember words instant management something and it was a lady and she used to come out to this to the station and she used to sit and let you talk to her and they've done away with that and now they have courses where they train cops to have that like qualification but basically they just go on like a two or three day course and they become trim trained and then if an incident happens and the sergeant or inspector that officer needs that support they will put them in touch with that person and so i think it's been watered down and there isn't the support but how can i assess that you need it if you don't speak up and need it and this is where i think it's all fallen apart i think as everything you know it's too fast paced there's not enough staff and people aren't looked after the way they were and then you wonder why because obviously i was a supervisor and but i was good at recognizing if my officer's needed you know that support and stuff because when i was obviously younger in service i didn't have kids but things like cut deaths and things like that very very like for the for the guys who were on my shift that had kids at home i wiped three of my staff out that needed so you know at some time off and because you know christmas day as well you know things that happen around those times it's when it becomes when it becomes personal and you come you've got kids yourself and that happens it does sort of impact what's that positive of being in the police force um the life skills i think it's given me i've become quite robust um in dealing with stuff so if if something happens i'm quite good now of like being aware of my surroundings and i think it helps with my children in that i i've just been away on my alone abroad with them and i'm very good at like assessing the whole surroundings and being good at you know dealing if an incident happens or being good at helping other people um it's given me a lot of skills that i wouldn't have got i'm grateful for the experience i loved my job i would still be doing it right now but i think i said too earlier i'd sooner go out deal with the public saying people is day in day out yeah you get new people coming along um then i would put my colleagues because it was them that i was most fearful of because i was wondering when i was going to next be accused of something or pulled in for something um and that destroyed it for me but yeah i think just the skills and the experiences and the things i've got to see and and do and whatever else so how do you over everything you've just said today how do you really just close the chapter for what do you feel as if once the book's out you can just kind of move on from that i think so i think so i think it'll take time you know it's going to take more time i think i need to write my book get it out there what's happened what's been said and continue to help people who step up and say look this is what i'm experiencing this is how i'm feeling and then you know over time times a healer and everything and i think you said something earlier that made me think people always say you know sticks and stones break your bones but words they can't hurt you my parents brought me up saying that and that i i hate that because actually i'd rather you broke 10 bonds in my body than i would have the experiences that i've been through in the police because the words and what i've been called and what the media's called me and all of the rest you know it's more damaging because it stays in there you know a broken bone it heals over time but the words and people have said to you they're there aren't they for life yeah that's why i say like words kill people like they do they do building online trolls online kill people the media kill people with articles of rat accusations are printing stories no charges or anything i've had many people on the podcast who have accusations listen innocent to proving guilty i get it and there's people get away with many things that are fucking blatantly guilty there's many people who've not done anything but a certain article's destroyed their whole life there needs to be something in place to protect people print the story go to court and follow the case from day one and print whatever's been said yeah mulling percent but don't print something about something because somebody's gave you a source and writing shit and damaging people because that's people's lives because the bottom line is i wonder how these reporters would feel if people would do stories about them because everybody's got social media now everybody's got enough platform to talk shit about them and yeah but there's many good reporters as well there's people out there who love their job there's many good coppers as well but yeah there's just doesn't seem to be a level playing field it feels as if somebody's out to get you they'll get you yeah especially in the uk there's fucking there's big power out there you know yourself that there's there is powerful people out there who can destroy you and people do break and go back in their shell and don't want to fight anymore so this is why it's important for you to be here today but stand up sometimes you've got to fight back because what you're going to do just vegetate hide away and then potentially fucking take your own life for what because the way people treat you you've got to just stand and people will have their thing and that was social media and i should have just deleted it when they told you to why you know why if that's something that i was enjoying doing i wasn't doing anything illegal anything corrupt i was enjoying my social media it was inspiring other people no one knew i was a cop until the point when someone went and told them media oh look at her look what she's doing because they obviously clearly weren't getting what they wanted out of the internal reporting process so they thought i'll just stick the knife in a little bit deeper you know sad really but where do you go forward for future leon i'm just gonna keep growing with my doing my fitness stuff with my brand and stuff like that i'm just gonna you know keep pushing try and be the light for other people amongst everything that i've experienced i just want to help other people basically how big is in fact how big is fitness for you in the mental health it is the one thing that because i know now that i'm back into streaming on kit and i'm on there and i have to do i do three workouts and two two chatting ones every week you know i can't it gives me my structure you know i have to do it i have to put my face on and i have to be this person the fitness it does release the happy hormones i don't care what anyone says you only regret the workout you didn't do so if you get up and you actually do something with your day each day it makes you feel as though you've achieved something even though you just feel like you know closing the curtains getting back in bed and kids don't like you do that but that's what you feel like doing hiding away from the world i think that my fitness is what's pushed me to keep going if i'm being completely honest with you without that i'm not sure where i'd be to be honest with you what is all your social media is your only fans and stuff what is everything that people can maybe get involved in or drop your message i'm the leeway across everything so that and then lee l e a w a y the leeway and that's the same i'm on all socials and i've got the the link on there as well for them to find all my platforms as well so for anybody that's maybe watching this went through what you're going through in the workforce to know that the workplace that what advice would you have for them and keep standing up for yourself don't back down if you honestly hand and on the heart feel as though something's not right and you're not doing something wrong then then keep going reach out to somebody who can be supportive don't try and do it alone like i have because that's what nearly destroyed me you know seek some support from somebody else who's been through it or just somebody that you trust it's all about trust because it can feel like a very dark lonely place but you've got to keep pushing stand up for yourself don't be treated like dirt the most important person in anybody's world is them and we have to look after ourselves because how can we look after anybody else if we're not looking after number one definitely listening to me and for coming on today and eventually saying your piece hopefully it just makes you feel a bit lighter and then just a case of finish a year strong man like you've got a lot of big things happening for yourself so just stay positive and let you say it's just if you get any problems any issues it's good to just fucking talk it out never fucking bend a break from nobody ever because as soon as you do that then they've won and then you then blame yourself and that's the worst of it you've got to stand and fight at all costs if you've not done anything wrong if you believe you're in the right don't carry away because that then destroys you and then as time goes the mental health will go and get worse and get worse because you'll then think why do people think that why are they saying that this is the way the world works people are always going to talk shit people are always going to say shit but the bottom line is you've got to stand back and fight and give your say and people can make their own assumptions people can judge we all judge anyway we're all judgmental bastards every single one is on this planet but there's good people out there and again listen thanks for coming on today i wish you all the best for the future take care and god bless thank you