 by Transcription Yes in several days we'll be celebrating the birthday of Abraham Lincoln the man who used to split rails You know sometimes I think the axe slipped hit the head of my friend Irma by mistake You know why I say this the other night I saw her take a package of ends and paste one on the bottom of a glass So I said Irma. What's the idea and Irma said well the English say bottoms up. I say ends up Yes, Irma has the right idea because everybody who wants complete protection from odor offense sooner or later ends up with ends America's most popular chlorophyll tablets em and the s ends chlorophyll tablets stop triple o oh Oh guard against triple all Odors of body odors of breath odor offense stop all free all at the same time Keep you fresh as a daisy all day all over. It's amazing But one or two tiny ends tablets daily are all you need to stop triple all Now ends the really effective chlorophyll tablets are proud to present your favorite comedy show created by Si Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane in my friend Irma Dictation I took at work today, honey. There are two systems of shorthand the pitman and the Greg Why'd you have to invent the third the Irma Peterson system? Please help me. Yeah. All right. All right. What's this you've written? Dear sir as your attorney. I wish to advise you that you must pay X Regrets 12 missing bottles What's the X for expenses? Oh, yeah Pretty close What is regret 12 missing bottles, well, I don't know shorthand for we lost the case I Think you better take it from here. I'm all right, Jane But you sometimes it gets so fed up with being a stenographer Well, honey, that's perfectly normal. Most people would like to change jobs You must remember the grass always looks greener in the other fellow's yard. That's silly. I wouldn't give up stenography to become a gardener I beg your pardon. Oh, Jane. What's the use? There's no escape. Oh, there's always marriage I'm sorry. I forgot if you marry out you just be working under a different name You know honey, maybe you take the wrong approach to work. It's all the same I've tried the fifth Avenue bus the sixth Avenue bus. No, no No, honey, that's not what I mean. But Jane are you satisfied being a secretary? Well, I happen to know that a working girl's only escape is marriage So I'm content to work sit and wait and wait and wait and wait If you get tired of waiting, what do you do Jane? You pull your hair out and then you wait and wait Jane, I'm not gonna wait. I'm gonna quit my job the first chance I get now listen cookie To me, Professor Gropatsky Jamie and I'm my two little electric current one a live wire the other with a short circuit Oh, excuse me, Jenny a little joke. I picked up in the electrical store Girls, I just came down to borrow some smelling salts. Why who faded Mrs. O'Reilly. I just gave a horrend I That's wonderful professor. Did you get a raise? No, no, I got a better job. I quit the gypsy teacup and I'm now playing first fiddle at the Bijou theater My professor, that's just wonderful. What's so wonderful about it a broken down theater A bunch of hula hula girls is running around wearing practically nothing and I'm sitting behind the bass drum I can't see anything Only from the expression on the saxophone players face, do I know what's going on? Better it's so glamorous. No, you call this glam. I'm ruined the whole country. Kropatskin was considered an artist I remember as a little boy people for miles around would come through snow and slush and stand there shivering Waiting to hear you play. No, my father sold fireworks But but but even then I loved music and I kept on and what's the result today? I'm at the Bijou Gee professor. I envy you having a glamorous job while I'm just a stenographer You know, I'm thinking of changing my job Professor Irma refuses to listen to me. Will you give her a little advice? I'm glad I'm on my page and listen to me Be satisfied all the glitters is not gold. Yeah, I know that professor How do you know I had to watch out gave me a praise No darling listen what I mean is there's a very old saying look before you leave but what does that got to do with it? Nothing. This is the saying for broad jumpers Goodbye and good luck girls. I'm on my way to the Bijou You see Jane the professor is changing his job. Why can't I oh, honey the professor happens to be a talented musician What besides a secretary could you be? Well, I could be a model out says I have nice legs. Oh, I know you have honey. You know, I got them for my mother What oh, they're not my mother's legs are mine mother has her own I think you better stay just where you are and count your blessings. Hello Jane. Hi Yeah, made a restaurant buy them for me they ruin my old ones Stupid way to stumble and drop soup on them. You couldn't wear the old ones because soup fell on them Well, sure it shrank all the newspapers in my soul How do I look chicken Yeah, I feel good to write in the mood to swing that big deal. I'm working on. Oh, no not another deal What is it this time out putting stilts on mushrooms and selling them for end tables? Nothing so wild this one can't miss putting Mexican jumping beans in pancake flour. So the pancakes will turn over by themselves Wonderful I know he's going to come out on top. Well, I better leave before I blow mine. Goodbye Super-sensitive day Gee I'm so glad you came over. I've been feeling so depressed. Oh watch depressing you chicken. Oh work Yeah, the word depresses me too Something wrong. I'm so tired of my job. It's so monotonous. Oh, well chicken is just temporary After we're married. We'll go on our honeymoon. Then when we come back you can look for something else No, it's getting on my nerves typing for hours and then forgetting to put the paper in the typewriter Mailing empty envelopes and then having to mail a postcard saying letter will follow Oh I'm a nervous wreck. Oh gee. That's too bad. I certainly will right away. Goodbye What's up chicken? Well, the professor broke his board rehearsing He wants me to pick up another bow in his room and bring it backstage at the theater Oh anything for the professor chicken shall we take a taxi or a trolley? Wait, I'll toss a coin. All right, Al Where's the coin? Chicken think we'll have to walk. It's only 35 blocks Okay chicken, here's the stage entrance. Yeah, this is the first time I've ever been back stage Excited what a life. It must be and I have to be stuck with an old stenography job Oh, well, that's life chicken forget it now go in and give the professor his bow and I'll wait out here What do you think you're going sister? I'm looking for professor Kupat. Good. I want to give him his bow It's not so loud the show is on Yeah, the great Cardone the magician is doing his act Oh boy, do you mind if I watch no no come on over here and peek out of the wings very talented What are you talking about these on 15 knives at that girl? He hasn't hit her once Will you sister now they're coming off stage? I've got to bring up the house Dr. Kage tell you must amend the cut of the party Pauline how many times must I tell you not to scratch you back on my Knives in the middle of the act it don't look classy Look Cardone. I'm sick and tired of your griping and I don't like the whole routine. Well, what are you gonna do about it? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do about it. I'm quit you ain't quitting you fire. Get out. Get out Hey Cardone, what are you gonna do for tomorrow night? Who needs her ride the great Cardone I and the act Yeah, but who you're gonna saw in half tomorrow night. It's not important who I saw in half Anybody could do it just so long as she thinks fast. Well, uh, pardon me, but would you give this vote of professor? Capot can I love girly who you win? Oh, I'm not with an act I'm a stenographer, but I hate it. Well, sir. How would you like to be in a show business? Oh, I'd love it But but I don't sing or dance. Oh, you don't have to say your dance. I just want you to let me saw you in half Thank you. What's wrong? I'd like something more permanent Listen girly. I don't really saw you in half. It's a trick You get 80 bucks a week and expenses think of the glamour think of the lights But ain't every day him can be sawed and halved by the great Cardone Look what if tomorrow night see how you like it? All right. Say you think the kid will be all right show Sam I break her edge. You'll be great. See you tomorrow at seven sister. Oh, I'm so excited Here will you give this mode of professor? Crapot. Can I want to tell my boyfriend? I'm in show business What's the matter chicken wonderful things happen. What is it? How do you love me? Well, of course, I do would you still love me if there were two of me What are you talking about? I'm in show business tomorrow. I'm gonna be sawed in hell. What do you mean chicken? I just got a job with a great Cardone. Is this on the level? Yeah, I get $80 a week in expenses pretty high level Approve I certainly I approve I never wanted you to keep that stenography job working for that lawyer client anyway From now on chicken. You're on your own. You're gonna work for me I'm gonna be your manager my manager sure chicken and believe me. This is only the start first They saw you in half then if you show any ability they throw knives at you And then if you really got the stuff they shoot you out of a cannon and a star is born Guard against triple. Oh Let's listen as a man talks to his druggist Can you give me really effective protection against triple? Oh orders of breath orders of body and odor offense? I've never found any old-fashioned deodorant that could take care of all three. Yes ends chlorophyll tablets Stop all three at the same time stop triple. Oh, it's the news safe and pleasant way to stay fresh as a daisy all over all day long But how about these cheaper chewing gum or candy products? They contain chlorophyll to but look at any of them No, where does the label state how much chlorophyll it contains why you're right now look at the ends label It states very clearly that ends contain 100 milligrams of daratol chlorophyll a fully effective dose That's why only one or two ends tablets a day stop triple. Oh, stop all three odor offenses all day long Oh, oh, oh guard against triple. Oh But don't expect such long-lasting results against triple Oh from cheaper chewing gum or candy substitutes that contain so little chlorophyll Ends are so effective because they start acting instantly inside the body where odors began so for pennies a day You get ends longer lasting protection They're pleasant tasting and safe as any garden vegetable get E Nds ends chlorophyll tablets and be sure you stop triple Oh trial size only 49 cents at drug counters everywhere larger sizes even more economical This night, but Irma certainly acting strange this morning. She's standing in front of the mirror making faces. She's laughing Now she's crying Trying to jump over one leg Career now, please don't interrupt to be or not to be that is the answer I'll ask you a hundred times. What is this all about? I can't tell you Jane You'll find out when I'll get here. What the hell got to do with it. Come in Hello, Jane. Hi, chicken Well, Jane, did you hear the news? Just break it to me gently Jane chicken is gone on the stage Crazy, don't you be a skeptic Jane? I tell you this girl is a natural. There's no telling where the two of us can go I got an idea. What is this all about Irma? Don't talk to me Jane. Talk to my manager Manager Yeah, I'll let me sign a contract with him last night a Contract with Al illegal. It's one of those regular contracts that show people have I get 10% of everything I make Just a minute kids. Let me get this straight. You mean that Irma is really going on the stage. That's right Well, what about her job? Yeah, she's quitting it. Yes, Jane, you know how I hate that job I'm a Peterson. You do know such thing listen now Irma is not going to leave her job until she has one to take its place She's got another job. I tell you she's on the stage Doing what? Well, but Irma what can you do? Can you sing? No, can you dance? No talk? No Oh, I know you're gonna balance the ball at the end of your nose And I demand to know what she's going to do Well, she's gonna do bit parts. Yeah, two bits quiet No as your manager I refuse and as Irma's roommate I insist on knowing you know Wait a minute Jane Irma is making her debut tonight If you want to see her we'll tell you the time and place but not until we're ready Now if you promise not to interrupt chicken and me have business to discuss. Oh by all means mr. Zickfield Thank you. Now first of all chicken Irma Peterson is not a stage name. Gotta have something catchy glamorous I always like bubbles No something with more class now, let's see there was Sarah Bernhardt, maybe we could switch it around Yeah, you you make it Irma Hartburn very Never mind the cracks Jane would like to get something continental Parisia you got a French dictionary chicken Oh, I have is a bottle of perfume. Oh, let me see it your manager. Yeah, only cologne That's kind of classy Yeah, no one could say the axe mouth Why don't you call yourself or dirt or dirt sure then they couldn't say you're from hunger Well, I can't be a part of this any longer. I'm going out to meet Richard Jane are you coming to my debut Irma honey? I don't know what you and your so-called manager are up to but if you want to make a spectacle of yourself now Don't ask me to have any part of it. Goodbye kid Oh What an envious date I think we should have told her what I'm doing. No chicken. She'd only laugh at you She wouldn't see that this is just a stepping stone a bigger thing I'm a darling. I hear you got a job with the great Cardone. He's going to saw you in half Oh professor. I'm so excited. I know it's only the beginning as Al says But I think the main thing is just getting started in show business Well, I'm a if you've got theatrical ambitions all I can say is good luck to you my darling And I hope you've killed him at both ends On behalf of my protege thanks professor, hey, maybe you can help us We're trying to find a theatrical name for her. Oh, there are millions are but my favorite is Tamara Tamara that don't sound bad. Oh, it's not great exploitation possibilities Can't you just hear them saying ladies and gentlemen today? We bring you tomorrow Oh professor ain't got enough sock, you know sock I got it take an active with a lot of punch Pat O'Brien Never take a great dramatic actress Margaret Sullivan and we got it Margaret O'Brien Well didn't come out dry Yeah, well look chicken we can find a name later. The main thing is for you to make a big hit tonight Yeah, I'm so nervous don't be nervous honey. Come on. We'll stop for the theater. I'm hitching my wagon. Do you chicken? Jane I thought you'd never get here Well, the traffic was terrible Richard. Did you get the theater tickets? Oh, that's what I wanted to ask you about We have a choice of three of the king and I top banana and affairs of state. Now, which would you prefer? Well, Jane, what's the matter honey? Oh, it's it's ridiculous. It's too silly to talk about Richard. Oh, I see well What about Irma? Yeah, you guessed it. She's appearing on the stage somewhere tonight. Al wouldn't tell me where on the stage What does Irma have talent talent? Well, all I can tell you about Irma's talent is that I once heard her sing There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil. It kept me awake for night What in the world she doing on the stage? I don't know Richard. That's what frightens me But yet, you know something I feel kind of guilty You know, I've always been nearer when she needed me and I've got a feeling tonight It's going to be double in spade. But Jane if you don't know where she's appearing you can't do anything about it Well, I could call professor Karpak and he would know oh Why should I you think I'm fool enough to waste an evening in some broken-down theater? I'm gonna sit by and watch Irma Peterson make a fool out of herself You think I'd do a thing like that where I'd be out of my mind Well, here I am out of my mind At the Bijou theater, how can I describe this place? Well, you know they say that vaudeville is dead if that's true. This must be the graveyard Richard and I feel kind of silly but Richard bless him He thinks he's at an opening night and he insists upon being chivalrous He has a bouquet of flowers in his hand in this respect. He's a little different from the rest of the audience They're all carrying vegetables Still don't know what Irma's going to do tonight and the last act is now going on The great Cardone Ladies and gentlemen for my first trick, I will saw this beautiful blonde woman in half Oh, mother. It's Irma ladies and gentlemen your attention, please Many people think that in doing my famous sewing trick. I do not use a real live person I give you my word this young lady is not a dummy. Oh, thank you, sir And now ladies and gentlemen who saw this lady in half Well, if I ever become a grandmother, this is one story. I must never tell my grandchildren They'd think their old granny is hitting the bottle So help me it's happening right before my unbelieving eyes Irma is stretched out in a big black box her head sticking out of one end or feet out of the other and Now the great Cardone is sawing her Irma's blowing kisses at the audience with her head now. She's looking at her feet. She wants to see how the other half lives Al good manager that he is is standing proudly in the wings with two bath robes for Irma One regular length in the other short just in case trick doesn't work Probably doesn't want her to catch a cold, you know, but Cardone saws on now Irma is giggling So I must be tickling her Cardone is glaring at her and I have a strange feeling that if she doesn't stop giggling Cardone He's going to forget his artistic integrity and really go to work on her Now the trick is finished Irma is in two parts The great Cardone is standing center stage with the saw poised over his head He speaks ladies and gentlemen for all practical purposes. This woman is a sword in half She cannot breathe she cannot move she cannot speak that's right folks If that isn't enough to ruin Cardone's act Irma has stepped out of the box to take a bow Although I've never seen Cardone's act before I'm sure this is a new finish tonight because he's completely forgotten the audience And he's chasing Irma around the stage with the saw come on Richard come on One Irma Peterson is enough to would be a little tough to take come on. Yes here Jane We can get through the backstage this way. Hey, just a second lady get out of our way with friends of the star Irma Irma Peterson Hello, Jane. Oh Irma. How could you do this? Oh, yeah, let me Jane. I'm so unhappy I was fired. I Didn't think that guy was chasing you with a saw to give you a raise I Know what you're thinking Jane But I was so tired of my job and this look like it's a good way to start now Fuck Irma Peterson. You are going to go home and you're going to write in your little book I am going to remain a stenographer five hundred times in shorthand. Yes Irma and Jane will be back in a moment, but first. Oh Oh guard against triple. Oh And here's amazing news in a scientific older test eight out of ten men and women stopped or definitely reduced triple Stop the order of body stopped order of breath stop defending Executive secretaries clerks even factory workers at 110 degree heat took ends chlorophyll tablets Results from hundreds and hundreds of examinations were astounding working inside the body where odors begin ends actually prevented Unpleasing odors from forming stopped all three odor offenses. Oh Oh Guard against triple. Oh Oh Yes, there's scientific proof ends really stop triple. Oh keep you fresh as a daisy all over all day long You get more complete longer lasting protection against triple. Oh, then from any old-fashioned body deodorant Toothpaste soap mouthwash and ends are so easy to use and safe as any green vegetable Pleasant tasting ends contain 100 milligrams of fully effective dose of daritol chlorophyll So beware of cheaper chewing gum or candy substitutes that contain so little chlorophyll or that failed to state their chlorophyll content on the label Oh, oh, oh guard against triple. Oh Just insist on ends chlorophyll tablets that's e n n d s ends trial size only 49 cents larger sizes even more economical Is back at her job? I think she's gotten over her stage ambitions But I haven't gotten over the way she lets Al get her into these things Irma. What is it? Yeah? I want to know one thing. How could you have volunteered for such a dangerous job? What if the saw had slipped? Oh, I was protected I'll took out double indemnity so I could collect from both ends You can sort it half but no matter how you slice it it's still my friend My friend Irma is a Psi Howard production and was directed by Park Levy who writes descriptive Stanley Adams Pat Burton's associate producer Marie Wilson has starred as Irma and Kathy Lewis's Jane The part of Al was played by John Brown Odds Conrad was heard as Professor Kropotkin and life Ericsson as Richard music was under the direction of Ludd Bluskin hired looking eyes can ruin your appearance make you look unattractive dull So don't take chances when eyes are red weary from lack of sleep glare driving get I gene Two soothing drops in each eye float away that tired eye feeling at once I gene is like a prescription contains lexatol acts as a tonic for the eyes safe gentle to get I gene E Y E G E N E tonight use it daily for bright attractive eyes trial size only 25 cents larger sizes even more economical I gene at drug counters everywhere Be with us next Sunday at this time when ends America's most popular chlorophyll tablets again bring you my friend Irma Paul Caruso speaking Which follows immediately on most of the same CVS station This is the CVS radio network