 23 When the current of life had resumed its course, I could not believe that the day which I saw dawning would not be like those which had preceded it. There were moments when I fancied that some circumstance which I could not recollect had obliged me to spend the night away from Marguerite, but that if I returned to Bougaval I should find her again as anxious as I had been and that she would ask me what had detained me away from her for so long. When one's existence has contracted a habit, such as that of this love, it seems impossible that the habit should be broken without, at the same time, breaking all the other springs of life. I was forced from time to time to reread Marguerite's letter in order to convince myself that I had not been dreaming. My body, succumbing to the moral shock, was incapable of movement. Anxiety, the night walk, and the morning's news had prostrated me. My father profited by this total prostration of all my faculties to demand of me a formal promise to accompany him. I promised all that he asked, for I was incapable of sustaining a discussion, and I needed some affection to help me live after what had happened. I was too thankful that my father was willing to console me under such a calamity. All I remember is that, on that day, about five o'clock, he took me with him and I posed shez. Without a word to me he had had my luggage packed and put up behind the shez with his own, and so he carried me off. I did not realize what I was doing until the town had disappeared and the solitude of the road recalled to me the emptiness of my heart. Then my tears again began to flow. My father had realized that words, even from him, would do nothing to console me, and he let me weep without saying a word, only sometimes pressing my hand as if to remind me that I had a friend at my side. At night I slept a little. I dreamt of margarite. I woke with a start, not recalling why I was in the carriage. Then the truth came back upon me, and I let my head sink on my breast. I dared not say anything to my father. I was afraid he would say, You see, I was right when I declared that this woman did not love you, but he did not use his advantage, and we reached sea without his having said anything to me except to speak of matters quite apart from the event which had occasioned my leaving paras. When I embraced my sister I remembered what margarite had said about her in her letter, and I saw at once how little my sister, good as she was, would be able to make me forget my mistress. Shooting had begun, and my father thought that it would be a distraction for me. He got up shooting parties with friends and neighbors. I went without either reluctance or enthusiasm, with that sort of apathy into which I had sunk since my departure. We were beating about for game, and I was given my post. I put down my loaded gun at my side, and meditated. I watched the clouds pass. I let my thought wander over the solitary plains, and from time to time I heard someone call to me and point to a hare, not ten paces off. None of these details escaped my father, and he was not deceived by my exterior calm. He was well aware that, broken as I now was, I should some day experience a terrible reaction which might be dangerous, and, without seeming to make any effort to console me, he did his utmost to distract my thoughts. My sister, naturally, knew nothing of what had happened, and she could not understand how it was that I, who had formerly been so light-hearted, had suddenly become so sad and dreamy. Sometimes, surprising in the midst of my sadness, my father's anxious scrutiny, I pressed his hand as if to ask him tacitly to forgive me for the pain which, in spite of myself, I was giving him. Thus a month passed, but at the end of that time I could endure it no longer. The memory of Marguerite pursued me unceasingly. I had loved—I still loved—this woman so much that I could not suddenly become indifferent to her. I had to love or to hate her. Above all, whatever I felt for her, I had to see her again, and at once. This desire possessed my mind, and with all the violence of a will which had begun to reassert itself in a body so long inert. It was not enough for me to see Marguerite in a month, a week. I had to see her the very next day, after the day when the thought had occurred to me, and I went to my father and told him that I had been called to Paris on business, but that I should return promptly. No doubt he guessed the reason for my departure, for he insisted that I should stay. But, saying that if I did not carry out my intention, the consequences, in the state in which I was, might be fatal. He embraced me, and begged me, almost, with cheers, to return without delay. I did not sleep on the way to Paris. Once there, what was I going to do? I did not know. I only knew that it must be something connected with Marguerite. I went to my rooms to change my clothes, and, as the weather was fine, and it was still early, I made my way to the Champs-Élysées. At the end of half an hour I saw Marguerite's carriage, at some distance, coming from the run point, to the Place de la Concorte. She had repurchased her horses, for the carriage was just as I was accustomed to see it, but she was not in it. Scarcely had I noticed this fact, when looking around me, I saw Marguerite on foot, accompanied by a woman whom I had never seen. As she passed me she turned pale, and a nervous smile tightened about her lips. For my part my heart beat violently in my breast, but I succeeded in giving a cold expression to my face, as I bowed coldly to my former mistress, who just then reached her carriage, into which she got with her friend. I knew Marguerite. This unexpected meeting must certainly have upset her. No doubt she had heard that I had gone away, and had thus been reassured as to the consequences of our rupture. But, saying me again in Paris, finding herself face to face with me, pale as I was, she must have realized that I had not returned without purpose, and she must have asked herself what that purpose was. If I had seen Marguerite unhappy, if, in revenging myself upon her, I could have come to her aid, I should perhaps have forgiven her, and certainly I should have never dreamt of doing her an injury. But I found her apparently happy. Someone else had restored to her the luxury which I could not give her. Her breaking with me seemed to assume a character of the base's self-interest. I was lowered in my own esteem, as well as in my love. I resolved that she should pay for what I had suffered. I could not be indifferent to what she did. Consequently, what would hurt her the most would be my indifference. It was, therefore, this sentiment which I must effect, not only in her eyes, but in the eyes of others. I tried to put on a smiling countenance, and I went to call on Prudence. The maid announced me, and I had to wait a few minutes in the drawing-room. At last Madame Duvernoy appeared, and asked me into her boudoir. As I seated myself, I heard the drawing-room door open. A light footstep made the floor creak, and the front door was closed violently. I am disturbing you, I said to Prudence. Not in the least. Marguerite was there. When she heard you, announced, she made her escape. It was she who has just gone out. Is she afraid of me now? No. But she is afraid that she would not wish to see her. But why, I said, drawing my breath with difficulty, for I was choked with emotion. The poor girl left me for her carriage, her furniture, and her diamonds. She did quite right, and I don't bear her any grudge. I met her to-day. I continued carelessly. Where? asked Prudence, looking at me, and seeming to ask herself if this was the same man whom she had known so madly in love. In the Champs-Élysées, she was with another woman. Very pretty. Who is she? What was she like? Blonde, slender, with side curls. Blue eyes. Very elegant. Ah, it was Olympée. She is really very pretty. Whom does she live with? With nobody. With anybody. Where does she live? Rue Troncle. No. Do you want to make love to her? One never knows. And Marguerite. I should hardly tell you the truth if I said I think no more about her, but I am one of those with whom everything depends on the way in which one breaks with them. Now Marguerite ended with me so lightly that I realized I was a great fool to have been as much in love with her as I was, for I was really very much in love with that girl. You can imagine the way in which I said that. The sweat broke out on my forehead. She was very fond of you, you know, and she still is. The proof is that after meeting you today she came straight to tell me about it. When she got here she was all of a tremble. I thought she was going to faint. Well, what did she say? She said, he is sure to come here, and she begged me to ask you, to forgive her. I have forgiven her. You may tell her. She was a good girl, but after all like the others, and I ought to have expected what happened. I am even grateful to her, for I see now what would have happened if I had lived with her altogether. It was ridiculous. She will be very glad to find that you take it so well. It was quite time she left you, my dear fellow. The rascal of an agent, to whom she had offered to sell her furniture, went around to her creditors to find out how much she owed. They took fright, and in two days she would have been sold up. And now it is all paid. More or less. And who has supplied the money? The comped d'en. Ah, my dear friend, there are men made on purpose for such occasions. To cut a long story short, he gave her twenty thousand francs, but he has had his way at last. He knows quite well that Marguerite is not in love with him, but he is very nice with her all the same. As you have seen, he has repurchased her horses. He has taken her jewels out of pawn, and he gives her as much money as the Duke used to give her. If she likes to live quietly, he will stay with her a long time. And what is she doing? Is she living in Paris altogether? She would never go back to Bougabal after you went. I had to go myself and see after all her things, and yours too. I made a package of them, and you can send here for them. You will find everything, except a little case with your initials. Marguerite wanted to keep it. If you really want it, I will ask her for it. A letter keep it, I stammered, for I felt the tears rise from my heart, to my eyes, at the recollection of the village where I had been so happy, and at the thought that Marguerite cared to keep something which had belonged to me, and would recall me to her. If she had entered at that moment, my thoughts of vengeance would have disappeared, and I should have fallen at her feet. For the rest, continued Prudence, I never saw her as she is now. She hardly takes any sleep. She goes to all the balls. She goes to suppers. She even drinks. The other day, after a supper, she had to stay in bed for a week, and when the doctor let her get up, she began again at the risk of her life. Shall you go and see her? What is the good? I came to see you, because you have always been charming to me, and I knew you before I even knew, Marguerite. I owe it to you that I have been her lover, and also, don't I, that I am her lover no longer? Well, I did all I could to get her away from you, and I believe you will be thankful to me later on. I owe you a double gratitude, I added, rising, for I was disgusted with the woman, seeing her take every word I said to her as if it were serious. You are going? Yes. I had learned enough. When shall I be seeing you? Soon. Goodbye. Goodbye. Prudence saw me to the door, and I went back to my own rooms, with tears of rage in my eyes, and a desire for vengeance in my heart. So Marguerite was no different from the others. So the steadfast love that she had had for me could not resist the desire of returning to her former life and the need of having a carriage and plunging into dissipation. So I said to myself, as I lay awake at night, though if I had reflected as calmly as I professed to, I should have seen in this new and turbulent life of Marguerite the attempt to silence a constant thought, a ceaseless memory. However, evil passion had the upper hand, and I only sought for some means of avenging myself on the poor creature. Oh, how petty and vile is man when he is wounded in one of his narrow passions! This olympic, whom I had seen, was, if not a friend of Marguerite, at all events the woman with whom she was most often seen since her return to Paris. She was going to give a ball, and as I took it for granted that Marguerite would be there, I tried to get an invitation, and succeeded. When, full of my sorrowful emotions, I arrived at the ball, it was already very animated. They were dancing, shouting even, and in one of the quadrills I perceived Marguerite dancing with Comte de Inne, who seemed proud of showing her off, as if he said to everybody, This woman is mine. I leaned against the mantelpiece, just opposite Marguerite, and watched her dancing. Her face changed the moment she caught sight of me. I saluted her casually, with a glance of the eyes, and away with the hand. When I reflected that after the ball she would go home, not with me, but with that rich fool, when I thought of what would follow their return, the blood rose to my face, and I felt the need of doing something to trouble their relations. After the contra-dance I went up to the mistress of the house, who displayed for the benefit of her guests a dazzling bosom and magnificent shoulders. She was beautiful, and, from the point of view of figure, more beautiful than Marguerite. I realized this fact still more clearly from certain glances which Marguerite bestowed upon her while I was talking with her. The man who was the lover of such a woman might well be as proud as Monsieur de Inne. And she was beautiful enough to inspire a passion not less great than that which Marguerite had inspired in me. At that moment she had no lover. It would not be difficult to become so. It depended only on showing enough money to attract her attention. I made up my mind. That woman should be my mistress. I began by dancing with her. Half an hour afterward Marguerite, pale as death, put on her palies, and left the ball. CHAPTER XXVIII. It was something already, but it was not enough. I saw the hold which I had upon this woman, and I took a cowardly advantage of it. When I think that she is dead now, I ask myself if God will ever forgive me for the wrong I did her. After the supper, which was noisy as could be, there was gambling. I sat by the side of Olymp and put down my money so recklessly that she could not but notice me. In an instant I had gained one hundred and fifty, or two hundred Louis, which I spread out before me on the table, and on which she fuzzened her eyes greedily. I was the only one not completely absorbed by the game, and able to pay her some attention. All the rest of the night I gained, and it was I who gave her money to play, for she had lost all she had before her, and probably all she had in the house. At five in the morning, the guest departed, I had gained three hundred Louis. All the players were already on their way downstairs. I was the only one who had remained behind, and as I did not know any of them, no one noticed it. Olymp herself was lighting the way, and I was going to follow the others, when, turning back, I said to her, I must speak to you. Tomorrow she said, No, now. What have you to say? You will see, and I went back into the room. You have lost, I said. Yes, all that you had in the house, she hesitated. Be frank. Well, it is true. I have won three hundred Louis. Here they are, if you will let me stay here tonight. And I threw the gold on the table. And why this proposition? Because I am in love with you of course. No, but because you love Marguerite, and you want to have your revenge upon her by becoming my lover. You don't deceive a woman like me, my dear friend. Unluckily, I am still too young and too good looking to accept the part that you offer me. So you refuse? Yes. Would you rather take me for nothing? It is I who wouldn't accept them. Think it over, my dear Olymp. If I had sent someone to offer you these three hundred Louis on my behalf, on the conditions that I attached to them, you would have accepted. I prefer to speak to you myself. Accept without inquiring into my reasons. Say to yourself that you are beautiful, and that there is nothing surprising in my being in love with you. Marguerite was a woman in the same position as Olymp, and yet I should never have dared say to her the first time I met her what I had said to the other woman. I loved Marguerite. I saw in her instincts which were lacking in the other, and at the very moment in which I made my bargain, I felt a disgust toward the woman with whom I was making it. She accepted, of course, in the end, and at midday I left her house as her lover. But I quitted her without a recollection of the carousels and of the words of love which she had felt bound to shower upon me in return for the six thousand francs which I left with her. And yet there were men who had ruined themselves for that woman. From that day I inflicted on Marguerite a continual persecution. Olymp and she gave up seeing one another as you might imagine. I gave my new mistress a carriage and jewels. I gambled. I committed every extravagance which could be expected of a man in love with such a woman as Olymp. The report of my new infatuation was immediately spread abroad. Prudence herself was taken in and finally thought that I had completely forgotten Marguerite. Marguerite herself, whether she guessed my motive or was deceived like everybody else, preserved a perfect dignity in response to the insults which I heaped upon her daily. Only she seemed to suffer for whenever I met her she was more and more pale, more and more sad. My love for her carried to the point at which it was transformed into hatred, rejoiced at the sight of her daily sorrow. Often when my cruelty towards her became infamous, Marguerite lifted upon me such appealing eyes that I blushed for the part I was playing and was ready to implore her forgiveness. But my repentance was of only a moment duration and Olymp would finally put aside all self-respect and discovered that by knowing Marguerite she could get from me whatever she wanted constantly stirred up my resentment against her and insulted her whenever she found an opportunity with the cowardly persistence of a woman licensed by the authority of a man. At last Marguerite gave up going to balls or theaters for fear of meeting Olymp and me. Then direct impertinences gave way to anonymous letters and there was not a shameful thing which I did not encourage my mistress to relate and which I did not myself relate in reference to Marguerite. To reach such a point I must have been literally mad. I was like a man drunk upon bad wine who falls into one of those nervous exaltations in which the hand is capable of committing a crime without the head knowing anything about it. In the midst of it all I endured a martyrdom. The not disdainful calm, the not contentious dignity with which Marguerite responded to all my attacks and which raised her above me in my own eyes enraged me still more against her. One evening Olymp had gone somewhere or other and had met Marguerite who for once had not spared the foolish creature so that she had had to retire in confusion. Olymp returned in a fury and Marguerite fainted and had to be carried out. Olymp related to me what had happened declared that Marguerite seeing her alone had revenged herself upon her because she was my mistress and that I must write and tell her to respect the woman whom I loved whether I was present or absent. I need not tell you that I consented and that I put into the letter which I sent to her address the same day, everything bitter, shameful and cruel that I could think of. This time the blow was more than the unhappy creature could endure without replying. I felt sure that an answer would come and I resolved not to go out all day. About two there was a ring and Prudence entered. I tried to assume an indifferent air as I asked her what had brought her but that day Madame Duvenoy was not in a laughing humor and in a really moved voice she said to me that since my return that is to say for about three weeks I had left no occasion untried which could give pain to Marguerite, that she was completely upset by it and that the scene of last night at my angry letter of the morning had forced her to take to her bed. In short without making any reproach Marguerite sent to ask me for a little pity since she had no longer the moral or physical strength to endure what I was making her suffer. That Mademoiselle Gauthier I said to Prudence should turn me out of her own house as quite reasonable but that she should insult the woman whom I love under the prudence that this woman is my mistress is a thing I will never permit my friend said Prudence you're under the influence of a woman who has neither heart nor sense you are in love with her it is true but that is not a reason for torturing a woman who cannot defend herself let Mademoiselle Gauthier sent me her come to the end and the sides will be equal you know very well that she will not do that so my dear Arman leave her alone if you saw her you would be ashamed of the way in which you were treating her she is white she coughs she won't last long now and Prudence held out her hands to me adding come and see her it will make her very happy I have no desire to meet madame the end madame the end is never there she cannot endure him if marguerite wishes to see me she knows where I live let her come to see me but for my part I will never put foot in the route d'Anton will you receive her well certainly well I'm sure that she will come let her come shall you be out today I shall be at home all the evening I will tell her and Prudence left me I did not even try to tell Olymp not to expect me I never troubled much about her scarcely going to see her one night a week she consult herself I believe with an actor from some theater or other I went out for dinner and came back almost immediately I had a fire lit in my room and I told Joseph he could go out I can give you no idea of the different impressions which agitated me during the hour in which I waited but when toward nine o'clock I heard a ring they thronged together into one such emotion that as I opened the door I was obliged to lean against the wall to keep myself from falling fortunately the anti-room was in half darkness and the change in my countenance was less visible marguerite entered she was dressed in black and veiled I could scarcely recognize her face through the veil she went into the drawing room and raised her veil she was pale as marble I'm here Arman she said you wish to see me and I have come and letting her head fall on her hands she burst into tears I went up to her what is the matter I said to her in a low voice she pressed my hand without a word for tears till veiled her voice but after a few minutes recovering herself a little she said to me you have been very unkind to me Arman and I have done nothing to you nothing I answered with a bitter smile nothing but what circumstances forced me to do I do not know if you have ever in your life experienced or if you will ever experience what I felt at the sight of marguerite the last time she had come to see me she had sat in the same place where she was now sitting only since then she had been the mistress of another man other kisses than mine had touched her lips toward which in spite of myself my own reached out and yet I felt that I loved this woman as much more perhaps than I had ever loved her it was difficult for me to begin the conversation on the subject which brought her marguerite no doubt realized it for she went on I have come to trouble you Arman for I have two things to ask pardon for what I said yesterday to Mademoiselle Olymp and pity for what you are perhaps still ready to do to me intentionally or not since your return you have given me so much pain that I should be incapable now of enduring a fourth part of what I have endured till now you will have pity on me won't you and you will understand that a man who is not heartless has other nobler things to do than to take his revenge upon a sick and sad woman like me see take my hand I am in a fever I left my bed to come to you and ask not for your friendship but for your indifference I took marguerite's hand it was burning and the poor woman shivered under her fur cloak I rolled the armchair in which she was sitting up to the fire do you think then that I did not suffer said I on that night when after waiting for you in the country I came to look for you in Paris and found nothing but the letter which nearly drove me mad how could you have deceived me marguerite when I loved you so much do not speak of that Arman I did not come to speak of that I wanted to see you only not an enemy and I wanted to take your hand once more you have a mistress she is young pretty you love her they say be happy with her and forget me and you you're happy no doubt have I the face of a happy woman Arman do not mock my sorrow you who know better than anyone what its cause and its depth are it only depended on you not to have been unhappy at all if you are as you say no my friend circumstances were stronger than my will I obeyed not the instincts of a light woman as you seem to say but a serious necessity and reasons which you will know one day and which will make you forgive me why do you not tell me those reasons today because they would not bring about an impossible reunion between us and they would separate you perhaps from those from whom you must not be separated who do you mean I cannot tell you then you're lying to me marguerite rose and went toward the door I could not behold the silent and expressive sorrow without being touched when I compared in my mind this pale and weeping woman with the madcap who had made fun of me at the opera comic you shall not go I said putting myself in front of the door why because in spite of what you have done to me I love you always and I want you to stay here to turn me out tomorrow now it is impossible our destinies are separate do not try to reunite them you will despise me perhaps while now you can only hate me no marguerite I cried feeling all my love and all my desire reawaken at the contact of this woman no I will not forget everything and we will be happy as we promised one another that we would be marguerite shook her head doubtfully and said am I not your slave your dog do with me what you will take me I am yours and throwing off her cloak and hat she flung them on the sofa and began her weekly to undo the front of her dress for by one of those reactions so frequent in her malady the blood rushed to her head and stifled her a hard dry cough followed tell my coachman she said to go back with the carriage I went down myself and sent him away when I returned marguerite was lying in front of the fire and her teeth chattered with the cold I took her in my arms I undressed her without her making a movement and carried her icy cold to the bed then I sat beside her and tried to warm her with my carriages she did not speak a word but smiled at me it was a strange night all marguerite's life seemed to have passed into the kisses with which she covered me and I loved her so much that in my transports of feverish love I asked myself whether I should not kill her so that she might never belong to another a month of love like that and there would have remained only the corpse of heart or body the dawn found us both awake marguerite was livid white she did not speak a word from time to time big tears rolled from her eyes and stayed upon her cheeks shining like diamonds her thin arms opened from time to time to hold me fast and fell back helplessly upon the bed for a moment it seemed to me as if I could forget all that had passed since I had left bogeval and I said to marguerite shall we go away and leave barris no no she said almost without fright we should be too unhappy I can do no more to make you happy but while there is a breath of life in me I will be the slave of your fancies at whatever hour of the day or night you will come and I will be yours but do not link your future anymore with mine you would be too unhappy and you would make me too unhappy I shall still be pretty for a while make the most of it but ask nothing more when she had gone I was frightened at the solitude in which she left me two hours afterward I was still sitting on the side of the bed looking at the pillow which kept the imprint of her form and asking myself what was to become of me between my love and my jealousy at five o'clock without knowing what I was going to do I went to the root on top Nanine opened to me madame cannot receive you she said in an embarrassed way why because mazia lecom the end is there and he has given orders to let no one in quite so I stammered I forgot I went home like a drunken man and do you know what I did during the moment of jealous delirium which was long enough for the shameful thing I was going to do I said to myself that the woman was laughing at me I saw her alone with the count saying over to him the same words that you had said to me in the night and taking a 500 franc note I sent it to her with these words you went away so suddenly that I forgot to pay you here is the prize of your night then when the letter was sent I went out as if to free myself from the instantaneous remorse of this infamous action I went to see olymp whom I found trying on dresses and when we were alone she sang obscene songs to amuse me she was the very type of the shameless heartless senseless courtesan for me at least for perhaps some men might have dreamed of her as I dreamed of margaret she asked me for money I gave it to her and free then to go I returned home margaret had not answered I need not tell you in what state of agitation I spent the next day at half past nine a messenger brought me an envelope containing my letter in the 500 franc note not a word more who gave you this I asked the man a lady who was starting with her maid in the next mail for boulogne and who told me not to take it until the coach was out of the courtyard I rushed to the rue d'Anton madame left for england at six o'clock said the porter there was nothing to hold me in paris any longer neither hate nor love I was exhausted by the series of shocks one of my friends was setting out on a tour in the east I told my father I should like to accompany him my father gave me drafts and letters of introduction and eight or ten days afterward I embarked at marsales it was at alexandria that I learned from an attache at the embassy whom I had sometimes seen at margaret's that the poor girl was seriously ill I then wrote her the letter which she answered in the way you know I received it at toulon I started at once and you know the rest now you have only to read a few sheets with julie duper gave me they are the best commentary on what I have just told you end of chapter 24 chapter 25 of camille this is a liverbox recording all liverbox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit liverbox.org recording by linda shin camille by alexandra du ma feel translated by edmund goss chapter 25 our mond tired by this long narrative often interrupted by his tears put his two hands over his forehead and closed his eyes to think or to try to sleep after giving me the pages written by the hand of margaret a few minutes after a more rapid breathing told me that our mond slept but that light sleep which the least sound banishes this is what I read I copy it without adding or omitting a syllable today is the 15th december I have been ill three or four days this morning I stayed in bed the weather is dark and I am sad there is no one by me I think of you are mond and you where are you while I write these lines far from Paris far far they tell me and perhaps you have already forgotten margaret well be happy I owe you the only happy moments in my life I cannot help wanting to explain all my conduct to you and I have written you a letter but written by a girl like me such a letter might seem to be a lie unless death had sanctified it by its authority and instead of a letter it were a confession today I'm ill I may die of this illness for I have always had the presentment that I shall die young my mother died of consumption and the way I have always lived could but increase the only heritage she ever left me but I do not want to die without clearing up for you everything about me that is if when you come back you will still trouble yourself about the poor girl who you loved before you went away this is what the letter contained I shall like writing it over again so as to give myself another proof of my own justification you remember Armand how the arrival of your father surprised us at vogue of all you remember the involuntary fright that his arrival caused me and the scene which took place between you and him which you told me of in the evening next day when you were at Paris waiting for your father and he did not return a man came to the door and handed in a letter from the seer duval his letter which I enclosed with this begged me in the most serious terms to keep you away on the following day on some excuse or other and to see your father who wished to speak to me and ask me particularly not to say anything to you about it you know how I insisted on you returning to Paris next day you had only been gone an hour when your father presented himself I won't say what impression his severe face made upon me your father had the old theory that a courtesan is being without heart or reason a sort of machine for coin and gold always ready like the machine to bruise the hand that gives her everything and to tear in pieces without pity or discernment those who set her in motion your father had written me a very polite letter in order that I might consent to see him he did not present himself quite as he had written his manner at first was so stiff insolent and even threatening that I had to make him understand that I was in my own house and that I had no need to render him an account of my life except because of his sincere affection which I had for his son monsieur duval calmed down a little but still went on to say that he could not any longer allow his son to ruin himself over me that I was beautiful it was true but however beautiful I might be I ought not to make use of my beauty to spoil the future of a young man by such expenditure as I was causing at that there was only one thing to do to show him the proof that since I was your mistress I had spared no sacrifice to be faithful to you without asking for more money than you had to give me I showed him the pawn tickets the receipts of the people to whom I had sold what I could not pawn and I told him of my resolve to part with my furniture in order to pay my debts and live with you without being a too heavy expense I told him over happiness of how you had shown me the possibility of a quieter and happier life and he ended by giving into the evidence offering me his hand and asking pardon for the way in which he had at first approached me then he said to me so madame it is not by remonstrances or by threats but by entreaties that I must endeavor to obtain from you a greater sacrifice and you have yet made for my son I trembled at this beginning your father came over to me took both my hands and continued in an affectionate voice my child do not take what I have to say to you amiss only remember that there are some times in life cruel necessities for the heart but that they must be submitted to you are good your soul has generosity unknown to many women who perhaps despise you and are less worthy than you but remember that there is not only the mistress but the family that besides love there are duties that to the age of passion succeeds the age when man if he is to be respected must plant himself solidly in a serious position my son has no fortune and yet he is ready to abandon to you the legacy of his mother if he accepted from you the sacrifice which you are on the point of making his honor and dignity would require him to give you in exchange for it this income which would always put you out of the danger of adversity but he cannot accept this sacrifice because the world which does not know you would give a wrong interpretation to this acceptance and such an interpretation must not tarnish the name which we bear no one would consider whether amon loves you whether you love him whether this mutual love means happiness to him in redemption to you they would see only one thing that our mon duval allowed a kept woman forgive me my child for what I am forced to say to you to sell all she had for him then the day of reproaches and regrets would arrive be sure for you or for others and you would both bear a chain that you could never sever what would you do then you could be lost my son's future destroyed and I his father should receive from only one of my children the recompense that I look for from both you are young beautiful life will console you you are noble and the memory of a good deed will redeem you from many past deeds during the six months that he has known you our mom has forgotten me I wrote to him four times and he has never once replied I might have died and he not known it whatever may be your resolution of living otherwise and as you have lived armand who loves you will never consent to this occlusion to which his modest fortune would condemn you and to which your beauty does not entitle you who knows what he would do then he has gambled I know without telling you of it I know also but in a moment of madness he might have lost part of what I have saved during many years for my daughter's portion for him and for the repose of my old age what might have happened may yet happen are you sure besides that the life which you are giving up for him will never again come to attract you are you sure you who have loved him that you will never love another would you not suffer on seeing the hindrances set by your love to your lover's life hindrances for which you would be powerless to console him if with age thoughts of ambition should succeed to dreams of love think overall that madam you love armand prove it to him by the soul means which remains to you of yet proving it to him by sacrificing your love to his future no misfortune has yet arrived but one will arrive and perhaps a greater one than those which I foresee armand might become jealous of a man who has loved you he might provoke him fight and be killed think then what you would suffer in the presence of a father who should call on you to render an account for the life of his son finally my dear child let me tell you all for I have not yet told you all let me tell you what has brought me to Paris I have a daughter as I have told you young beautiful and pure as an angel she loves and she too has made this love the dream of her life I wrote all that to armand but absorbed in you he made no reply well my daughter is about to marry and she is to marry the man whom she loves she enters an honorable family which requires that mine has to be no less honorable the family of the man who is to become my son-in-law has learned what manner of life armand is leading in Paris and has declared to me that the marriage must be broken off if armand continues this life the future of a child who has done nothing against you and who has the right of looking forward to a happy future is in your hands have you the right and have you the strength to shatter it in the name of your love and of your repentance margarite grant me the happiness of my child I wept silently my friend at all these reflections which I had so often made and which in the mouth of your father took a yet more serious reality I said to myself all that your father dared not to say to me though it had come to his lips 20 times that I was after all only a kept woman and that whatever excuse I gave for our liaison it would always look like calculation on my part that my past life left me no right to dream of such a future and that I was accepting responsibilities for which my habits and reputation were far from giving any guarantee in short I loved you armand the eternal way in which mr. duval has spoken to me the pure memories that he had awakened to me the respect of this old man which I would gain yours which I was sure of gaining later on all that called up in my heart thoughts which raised me in my own eyes with the sort of holy pride unknown till then when I thought that one day this old man who was now imploring me for the future of his son would bid his daughter mingle my name with her prayers as the name of a mysterious friend I seemed to become transformed and I felt a pride in myself the exaltation of the moment perhaps exaggerated the truth of these impressions but that was what I felt friend and these new feelings silenced the memory of the happy days I had spent with you tell me sir I said to your father wiping away my tears do you believe that I love your son yes said mr. duval with a disinterested love yes do you believe that I had made this love the hope the dream the forgiveness of my life implicitly well sir embrace me once as you would embrace your daughter and I swear to you that that kiss the only chaste kiss I have ever had will make me strong against my love and that within a week your son will be once more at your side perhaps unhappy for a time but cured forever you are a noble child replied your father kissing me on the forehead and you are making an attempt for which god will reward you but I greatly fear that she will have no influence upon my son albeit rest sir he will hate me I had to set up between us as much for me as for you an insurmountable barrier I wrote to prudence to say that I accepted the proposition of the competent in and that she was to tell him that I would sup with her and him I sealed the letter and without telling him what it contained asked your father to have it forwarded to its address on reaching Paris he inquired of me what it contained your son's welfare I answered your father embraced me once more I felt two grateful tears on my forehead like the baptism of my past faults and at that moment when I consented to give myself up to another man I glowed with pride at the thought of what I was redeeming by this new fault it was quite natural armand you told me that your father was the most honest man in the world monsieur duval returned to his carriage and set out for Paris I was only a woman and when I saw you again I could not help leaving but I did not give away did I do right that is what I asked myself today as I lie ill in my bed and that I shall never leave perhaps until I am dead you are witness of what I felt as the hour of our separation approached your father was no longer there to support me and there was a moment when I was on the point of confessing everything to you so terrified was I at the idea that you were going to bait and despise me one thing which you will not believe perhaps armand is that I prayed to god to give me strength and what proves that he accepted my sacrifice is that he gave me the strength for which I prayed at supper I still had need of aid for I cannot think of what I was going to do so much did I fear that my courage would fail me who would ever have said that I marguerite gotier would have suffered so at the mere thought of a new lover I drank for forgetfulness and when I woke next day I was beside the cat that is the whole truth friend judge me and pardon me as I have pardoned you for all the wrong that you have done me since that day end of chapter 25 recording by linda shin plano texas chapter 26 of camille this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox dot org recording by bologna times camille by alexander duma feel translated by edmund goss chapter 26 what followed that fateful night you know as well as I but what you cannot know what you cannot suspect is what I have suffered since our separation I heard that your father had taken you away with him but I felt sure that you could not live away from me for long and when I met you in the chums the lise I was a little upset but by no means surprised then began that series of days each of them brought me a fresh insult from you I received them all with a kind of joy for besides proving to me that you still loved me it seemed to me as if the more you persecuted me the more I should be raised in your eyes when you came to know the truth do not wonder at my joy and martyrdom Armand your love for me had opened my heart to noble enthusiasm still I was not so strong as that quite at once between the time of the sacrifice made for you and the time of your return a long while elapsed during which I obliged to have recourse to physical means in order not to go mad and in order to be blinded and deafened in that world of life into which I flung myself prudence has told you has she not how I went to all the fates and balls and orgies I had a sort of hope that I should kill myself by all these excesses and I think it will not belong before this hope is realized my health naturally got worse and worse and when I said madam do or not to ask you for pity I was utterly worn out body and soul I will not remind you Armand of the return you made for the last proof of love that I gave you and of the outrage by which you drove away a dying woman who could not resist your voice when you asked her for a night of love and who like a fool thought for one instant that she might again unite the past with the present you had the right to do what you did Armand people have not always put so high a price on a night of mine I left everything after that olymp has taken my place with the comp de in and has told him I hear the reasons for my leaving him the comp digi was at London he is one of those men who give just enough importance to making love to women like me for to be an agreeable pastime and who are thus able to remain friends with women not hating them because they have never been jealous of them and he is too one of those grand seniors who open only a part of their hearts to us but the whole of their purses it was of him that I immediately thought I joined him in London he received me as kindly as possible but he was the lover there of a woman in society and he feared to compromise himself if he were seen with me he introduced me to his friends who gave a supper in my honor after which one of them took me home with him what else is there for me to do my friend if I had killed myself it would have burdened your life which ought to be happy with a needless remorse and then what is the good of killing oneself when one is so near dying already I became a body without a soul a thing without a thought I live for some time in that automatic way then I returned to Paris and asked for you I heard then that you were gone on a long voyage there was nothing left to hold me to life my existence became what it had been two years before I knew you I tried to win back the duke but I had offended him too deeply old men are not patient no doubt because they realize that they are not eternal I got weaker every day I was pale and sad and thinner than ever men who by love examine the goods before taking them at Paris there were women in better health and not so thin as I was I was rather forgotten that is all the past up to yesterday now I am seriously ill I have written to the duke to ask him for money for I have none and the creditors have returned and come to me with their bills with pitiless perseverance will the duke answer why are you not in Paris Armand you would come and see me and your visits would do me good December 20 the weather is horrible it is snowing and I am alone I have been in such a fever for the last three days that I could not write you a word no news my friend every day I hope vaguely for a letter from you but it does not come and no doubt it will never come only men are strong enough not to forgive the duke has not answered prudence is pawning my things again I have been spitting blood all the time oh you would be sorry for me if you could see me you are indeed happy to be under a warm sky and not like me with a whole winter of ice on your chest today I got up for a little while and looked out through the curtains of my window and watched the life of Paris passing below the life with which I have now nothing more to do I saw the faces of some people I knew passing rapidly joyous and careless not one lifted his eyes to my window however a few young men have come to inquire for me once before I was ill and you though you did not know me though you had nothing from me but an impertence the day I met you first you came to inquire after me every day we spent six months together I had all the love for you that a woman's heart can hold and give and you are far away you are cursing me and there is not a word of consolation from you but it is only chance that has made you leave me I am sure for if you were at Paris you would not leave my bedside December 25 my doctor tells me I must not write every day and indeed my memories only increase my fever but yesterday I received a letter which did me good more because of what it said than by the material help which it contained I can write to you then today this letter is from your father and this is what it says madam I have just learned that you are ill if I were at Paris I would come and ask after you myself if my son were here I would send him but I cannot leave sea and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues from here permit me then simply to write to you madam to tell you how pained I am to hear of your illness and believe in my sincere wishes for your speedy recovery one of my good friends mh will call on you will you kindly receive him I have entrusted him with a commission the result of which I await impatiently believe me madam yours must faithfully this is the letter he sent me your father has a noble heart love him well my friend for there are few men so worthy of being loved this paper signed by his name has done me more good than all the prescriptions of our great doctor this morning mh called he seemed much embarrassed by the delicate mission which monsieur duval had entrusted to him as a matter of fact he came to bring me three thousand fronts from your father I wanted to refuse at first but mh told me that my refusal would annoy monsieur duval who had authorized him to give me the sum now and later on whatever I might need I accepted it for coming from your father it could not be exactly taking alms if I am dead when you come back show your father what I have written for him and tell him that in writing these lines the poor woman to which he was kind enough to write so consoling a letter what tears of gratitude and prayed god for him january four I have passed some terrible days I never knew the body could suffer so oh my past life I paid double for it now there has been someone to watch by me every night I cannot breathe what remains of my poor existence is shared between being delirious and coughing the dining room is full of sweets and all sorts of presents that my friends have brought some of them I dare say are hoping that I shall be their mistress later on if they could see what sickness has made of me they would go away in terror prudence is giving her new year's presence with those I have received there is a thaw and the doctor says that I may go out in a few days if the fine weather continues january eight I went out yesterday in my carriage the weather was lovely the chumsie lisée was full of people it was like the first smile of spring everything about me at a festival air I never knew before that a ray of sunshine could contain so much joy sweetness and consolation I met almost all the people I knew all happy all absorbed in their pleasures how many happy people don't even know that they are happy olympe past me in an elegant carriage that miss here dn has given her she tried to insult me by her look she little knows how far I am from such things now a nice fellow whom I have known for a long time asked me if I would have supper with him and one of his friends who he said was very anxious to make my acquaintance I smiled sadly and gave him my hand burning with fever I never saw such an astonished countenance I came in at four and had quite an appetite for my dinner going out has done me good if I were only going to get well how the sight of the life and happiness of others gives a desire of life to those who only the night before in the solitude of their soul and in the shadow of their sick room only wanted to die soon January 10 the hope of getting better was only a dream I am back in bed again covered with plasters which burn me if I were to offer the body that people paid so dearly for once how much would they give I wonder today we must have done something very wicked before we were born or else we must be going to be very happy indeed when we are dead for God to let this life have all the torches of expiation and all the sorrows of an ordeal January 12 I am always ill the comped dn sent me some money yesterday I did not keep it I won't take anything from that man it is through him that you are not here oh that good time at boulevard where is it now if I come out of this room alive I will make a pilgrimage to the house we lived in together but I will never leave it until I am dead who knows if I shall write to you tomorrow January 25 I have not slept for 11 nights I am suffocated I imagine every moment that I am going to die the doctor has forbidden me to touch a pen Julie Duprat who is looking after me lets me write these few lines to you will you not come back before I die is it all over between us forever it seems to me as if I should get well if you came what would be the good of getting well January 28 this morning I was awakened by a great noise Julie who slept in my room ran into the dining room I heard men's voices and hers protesting against them in vain she came back crying they had come to seize my things I told her to let what they called justice have its way the bailiff came into my room with his hat on he opened the drawers wrote down what he saw and did not even seem to be aware that there was a dying woman in the bed that fortunately the charity of the law leaves me he said indeed before going that I could appeal within nine days but he left a man behind to keep watch my god what is to become of me this scene has made me worse than I was before prudence wanted to go and ask your father's friend for money but I would not let her I received your letter this morning I was in need of it will my answer reach you in time will you ever see me again this is a happy day and it has made me forget all the days I have passed for the last six weeks I seem as if I am better in spite of the feeling of sadness under the impression of which I replied to you after all no one is unhappy always when I think that it may happen to me not to die for you to come back for me to see the spring again for you still to love me and for us to be an over again our last year's life fool that I am I can scarcely hold the pen with which I write to you of this wild dream of my heart whatever happens I loved you well Armand and I would have died long ago if I had not had the memory of your love to help me and a sort of vague hope of seeing you beside me again February 4 the comp did she has returned his mistress has been unfaithful to him he is very sad he was very fond of her he came to tell me all about it the poor fellow is in rather a bad way as to money all the same he has paid my bailiff and sent away the man I talked to him about you and he promised to tell you about me I forgot that I had been his mistress and he tried to make me forget it too he is a good friend the Duke sent yesterday to inquire after me and this morning he came to see me I do not know how the old man still keeps alive he remained with me to three hours and did not say 20 words two big tears fell from his eyes when he saw how pale I was the memory of his daughter's death made him weep no doubt he will have seen her die twice his back was bowed his head bent toward the ground his lips drooping his eyes vacant age and sorrow away with the double weight on his worn out body he did not reproach me it looked as if he rejoiced secretly to see the ravages the disease had made in me he seemed proud of being still on his feet while I who am still young was broken down by suffering the bad weather has returned no one comes to see me Julie watches by me as much as she can prudence to whom I can no longer give as much as I used to begins to make excuses for not coming now that I am so near death in spite of what the doctors tell me for I have several which proves that I am getting worse I am almost sorry that I listened to your father if I had known that I should only be taking a year of your future I could not have resisted the longing to spend that year with you and at least I should have died with a friend all of my hand it is true that if we had looked together this year I should not have died so soon God's will be done February 5 oh come come Armand I suffer horribly I'm going to die oh God I was so miserable yesterday that I wanted to spend the evening which seemed as if it were going to be as long as the last last anywhere but at home the Duke came in the morning it seems to me as if the sight of this old man whom death has forgotten makes me die faster despite the burning fever which devoured me I made them dress me and take me to the vaudeville Julie put on some rouge for me without which I should have looked like a corpse I had the box where I gave you our first rendezvous all the time I had my eyes fixed on the stall where you sat that day though a sort of country fellow sat there laughing loudly at all the foolish things that the actors said I was half dead when they brought me home I coughed and spat blood all the night today I cannot speak I can scarcely move my arm my God my God I am going to die I have been expecting it but I cannot get used to the thought of suffering more than I suffer now and if after this the few characters traced by marguerite were indecipherable and what followed was written by Julie de prun february 18 monsieur armand since the day that marguerite insisted on going to the theater she has got worse and worse she has completely lost her voice and now the use of her limbs what our poor friend suffers is impossible to say I am not used to emotions of this kind and I am in a state of constant fright how I wish you were here she is almost always delirious but delirious or lucid it is always your name that she pronounces when she can speak a word the doctor tells me that she is not here for long since she got so ill the old duke has not returned he told the doctor that the site was too much for him madam du vernois is not behaving well this woman who thought she could get more money out of marguerite at whose expense she was living almost completely has contracted liabilities which she cannot meet and seeing that her neighbor is no longer of use to her she does not even come to see her everybody is abandoning her monsieur digi prosecuted for his debts has had to return to london unleaving he sent us more money he has done all he could but they have returned to seize the things and the creditors are only waiting for her to die in order to sell everything I wanted to use my last resources to put a stop to it but the bailiff told me it was no use and that there are other seizures to follow since she must die it is better to let everything go than to save it for her family whom she has never cared to see and who have never cared for her you cannot conceive in the midst of what gilded misery the poor thing is dying yesterday we had absolutely no money plate jewels shawls everything is in pawn the rest is sold or seized marguerite is so conscious of what goes on around her and she suffers in body mind and heart big tears trickle down her cheeks so thin and pale that you would never recognize the face of her whom you love so much if you could see her she has made me promise to write to you when she can no longer write and I write before her she turns her eyes toward me but she no longer sees me her eyes are already veiled by the coming of death yet she smiles and all her thoughts all her soul are yours I am sure every time the door opens her eyes brighten and she thinks you are going to come in then when she sees that it is not you her face resumes its sorrowful expression a cold sweat breaks out over it and her cheekbones flush February 19 midnight what a sad day we have had today poor miss your almond this morning marguerite was stifling the doctor bled her and her voice has returned to her a while the doctor bed turned to see a priest she said yes and he went himself to fetch an abbey from saint rush meanwhile marguerite called me up to her bed asked me to open a cupboard and pointed out a cap and a long chemise covered with lace and said in a feeble voice I shall die as soon as I have confessed then you will dress me in these things it is the whim of a dying woman then she embraced me with tears and added I can speak but I am stifled when I speak I am stifling air I burst into tears opened the window and a few minutes afterward the priest entered I went up to him when he knew where he was he seemed afraid of being badly received come in boldly father I said to him he stayed a very short time in the room and when he came out he said to me she lived a sinner and she will die a christian a few minutes afterward he returned with a choir boy bearing a crucifix and a sacristan who went before them ringing the bell to announce that god was coming to the dying one they went all three into the bedroom where so many strange words have been said but was now a sort of holy tabernacle I fell on my knees I do not know how long the impression of what I saw will last but I do not think that till my turn comes any human thing can make so deep an impression on me the priest anointed with holy oil the feet and hands and forehead of the dying woman repeated a short prayer and marguerite was ready to set out for the heaven to which I doubt not she will go if god has seen the ordeal of her life and the sanctity of her death since then she has not said a word or made a movement 20 times I should have thought her dead if I had not hurt her breathing painfully February 20 5 p.m. all is over marguerite fell into her last agony about two o'clock never did a martyr suffer such torture to judge by the cries she uttered two or three times she sat upright in the bed as if she would hold on to her life which was escaping toward god two or three times also she said your name then all was silent and she fell back on the bed exhausted silent tears flowed from her eyes and she was dead then I went up to her I called her and as she did not answer I closed her eyes and kissed her on the forehead poor dear marguerite I wish I were a holy woman that my kiss might recommend you to god then I dressed her as she had asked me to do I went to find a priest at Saint Roche I burned two candles for her and I prayed in the church for an hour I gave the money she left to the poor I do not know much about religion but I think that god will know that my tears were genuine my prayers fervent my almsgiving sincere and that he will have pity on her who dying young and beautiful has only had me to close her eyes and put her in her shroud February 22 the burial took place today many of marguerite's friends came to the church some of them wept with sincerity when the funeral started on the way to bon mar only two men followed it the competent digi who came from london on purpose and the duke who was supported by two footmen I write to you these details from her house in the midst of my tears and under the lamp which burns sadly beside a dinner which I cannot touch as you can imagine but which nanin has got for me for I have eaten nothing for 24 hours my life cannot retain these sad impressions for so long for my life is not my own anymore than marguerite's was hers that is why I give you all these details on the very spot where they occurred in the fear if a long time elapsed between them and your return that I might not be able to give them to you with all their melancholy exactitude end of chapter 26 chapter 27 of camille this is a libra vox recording all libra vox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit libra vox.org camille by alexandra duma fece translated by edmund gaughes chapter 27 you have read it said armand when I had finished the manuscript I understand what you must have suffered my friend if all that I read is true my father confirmed it in a letter we talked for some time over the sad destiny which had been accomplished and I went home to rest a little armand still sad but a little relieved by the narration of his story soon recovered and we went together to pay a visit to prudence and to julie du pra prudence had become bankrupt she told us that marguerite was the cause of it that during her illness she had lent her a lot of money in the form of promissory notes which she could not pay marguerite having died without having returned her the money and without having given her a receipt with which she could present herself as a creditor by the help of this fable which madame duvernoy repeated everywhere in order to account for her money difficulties she extracted a note for a thousand francs from armand who did not believe it but who pretended to out of respect for all those in whose company marguerite had lived then we called on julie du pra who told us the sad incident which she had witnessed shedding real tears at the remembrance of her friend lastly we went to marguerite's grave on which the first rays of the april sun were bringing the first leaves into bud one duty remained to armand to return to his father he wished me to accompany him we arrived at sea where i saw musir de vel such as i had imagined him from the portrait his son had made of him tall dignified kindly he welcomed armand with tears of joy and clasped my hand affectionately i was not long in seeing that the paternal sentiment was that which dominated all others in his mind his daughter named blanche had that transparency of eyes that serenity of the mouth which indicates a soul that conceives only holy thoughts and lips that repeat only pious words she welcomed her brother's return with smiles not knowing in the purity of her youth that far away a courtesan had sacrificed her own happiness at the mere invocation of her name i remained for some time in their happy family full of indulgent care for one who brought them the convalescence of his heart i returned to paris where i wrote this story just as it had been told me it has only one merit which will perhaps be denied it that is that it is true i do not draw from this story the conclusion that all women like marguerite are capable of doing all that she did far from it but i have discovered that one of them experienced a serious love in the course of her life that she suffered for it and that she died of it i have told the reader all that i have learned it was my duty i am not the apostle of vice but i would gladly be the echo of noble sorrow wherever i bear its voice in prayer the story of marguerite is an exception i repeat had it not been an exception it would not have been worth the trouble of writing it end of chapter 27 recorded by david lorenz in brampton ontario may 2009 end of chamele by alexandra duma fece translated by edmund gauze