 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five attitudes, high value men, love and women, these are simple yet powerful. Really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And if anytime during this live stream or if you're watching the replay, you like the content I share and it resonates with you, please do me a favor and hit that like button because the more likes, the more opportunities this gets in the YouTube algorithm. So I wanna thank you so much. All right, we're gonna talk about those five attitudes that high value men love and women, simple but powerful. Now, really quickly, before I get started, I just wanna say something. I'm gonna do the content first and I'm gonna go to Q&A. So those who have been on my live streams know that there's gonna be plenty of time for Q&A and that's in the chat room. So I'm gonna do the content first. Now, I wanna share something. Everything I'm about to say goes both ways. And what I mean to say is, even though I'm talking about the high five attitudes, high value men, loving women, these are five attitudes that high value women love and men. So this goes both ways. I just wanna establish that because I know a couple of you have gotten on comments and say, why doesn't this apply for me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just want you to know everything goes for both genders. Now, with that said, let's just differentiate the difference between a high value person and a not the high value person. And quite frankly, to some degree, I'm almost even embarrassed that I have to say this. And why? Because I'm not even sure I like the idea that we value someone as high value human beings or human beings and we should not value them. But I will be honest with you, it seems to get more clicks on YouTube. So let's just go with that. What I'm here to say is though, I think there's a big difference between a person who is emotionally mature and a person who's emotionally stunted or literally lacks emotional skills. I'm gonna repeat that. I think there's a big difference between an emotional grown up person who has the skills to be in a healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship versus those who don't have the skills. So I'm kind of when I say high value, I'm really talking about those people that have the emotional skills to be in a relationship, okay? Now, when I say grown up, I'm not talking about a person who pays their bills on time, makes it to work on time, is responsible with their money, is courteous and opens car doors or whatnot, is kind and generous to strangers and pets, animals. I'm not talking about that. Emotional grown up is something completely different and we're gonna actually be talking about this today because I will share with you, when I did a little research for this live stream, I can tell you that a lot of people think the five attitudes women should have are things like being friendly and flirty and confident and agreeable and fun and spontaneous. And those all sound great, right? Sound great. But quite frankly, you should be that way anyway, okay? Most humans should be, at least if you're out in the dating realm, you should be fun, you should be flirty, you should be confident. When I say should be, I think ideally wouldn't you wanna be that way, right? I think you would agree with that. But what I'm gonna talk about is something much deeper and I think that's what my channel is all about is about going deeper than just the surface, okay? So an iceberg is like, look at this, here's an iceberg, everything above here, but look at how much bigger I am here and that's what we're gonna lean in today. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses and we're gonna start because here's my notes. Okay, I'm gonna start with number one, is transparency, transparency. Ladies, we men cannot read your mind, just like you women can't read men's mind. It's so important. If you're going to be in a relationship with another human being, transparency is hugely important. And what I mean by transparency is, if it's material to the relationship, then you should speak up. I'm gonna repeat that. If it's material to the relationship, you should speak up. And it fascinates me how many women will literally be stuffing their voice because they're afraid of losing a guy. I'm gonna repeat that. I know too many women who are stuffing their voice. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your voice is all stuffed up because you're afraid to speak up. This is why I'm such a big proponent. If you haven't heard of my book before, I wrote a book called, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? Right, by Jonathan Asley. There's the back cover, okay? Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. Ladies, I'm here to say, and men as well, start speaking up if it's material to the relationship. And let me just say this, ladies, we men can't read your minds. It's fascinating to me, but I will say consistently, if you talk to 100,000 men, one of their biggest complaints is you almost expect us to read your mind. If it's material, the relationships speak up. Now, for those of you that are afraid to speak up, let me just simply say, there's another chapter in my book called, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So guess what? We want a high value man, an emotional grownup man who wants you to speak up. Does this resonate with you? Please let me know, okay? Number two, oh, I love this one. Curious and inquisitive, curious and inquisitive. To me, there's nothing sexier than a woman who is curious about life, is curious about things. Oftentimes we communicate just to make statements instead of asking questions. And I shot a video recently, a couple of days back, one of my previous videos, only a couple of days ago, that said what men are highly attracted to is women who ask a man for his advice, ask a man for his advice. So that's what curious and inquisitive is. In fact, I shared a story where I was on a, I think it was a second or third date with a woman and while I was with her, she asked my opinion, she asked my advice on some tiles she was gonna put in her kitchen. And I found myself perked up because no, there's no greater way of showing respect or let me reframe that. One of the, one of the, and well, I'm tongue tied. A really good way to show respect or demonstrate respect is by asking someone's advice. It literally says, I respect who you are. I respect your thoughts, I respect your opinions. So be curious, be inquisitive and seek a man's advice. And again, men should be doing the same with you as well. Number three, consistency, consistency. And what this really means is actions matching words. Do your actions match your words? I can tell you as a single man out in the dating realm, I'm gonna reframe that. I'm a single man out in the prospecting realm. I'm gonna talk about that a lot more in a moment because I'm not dating, I'm actually prospecting but we'll get to that in a second. But, oh, so as a single man out in the dating realm, I can tell you're the prospecting realm. Women can be incredibly flaky just like men can be incredibly flaky. So this idea that women are consistent with their words is not, I mean, any of you that believe that, you might be in a fantasy because I can tell you, I consistency consistently see men and women alike not their actions not matching their words. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book, The Four Agreements, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Don Miguel Ruiz, Four Agreements, be impeccable with your word. Always do your best. Don't make assumptions and people's opinions of you it might simply be a projection on their part. Read this book, this is a life, this is a game-changing book. So consistency, number four. And this is critically important if you wanna be in a serious relationship is learning what I call fighting fair, fighting fair. What fighting fair simply means is when you have a disagreement with your partner it is not about being right. It's about how can we come to a solution? How can we come to a solution over our problems? I can tell you that so many, in fact, I'm gonna make a statement I wanna repeat myself. Do you know that probably 97% of couples who go to couples therapy, go to couples therapy hoping that the therapist will change their partner instead of actually learning how to be a better partner. I'm gonna repeat that 97% of couples most and I'm making up this number so just go with me. Go into therapy actually hoping that the therapist is gonna change their partner instead of learning how to be a better partner. This is why learning how to fight fair is really critically important. And for a high value man that emotional grownup man that emotional grownup woman, those who know how to fight fair and what I mean by fighting fair is you listen to your partner's point of view. You accept your partner's point of view for being true for them. They listen to your point of view. They accept your point of view as being true for you and it doesn't necessarily mean you can agree to disagree but at least you're listening and you're not about trying to be right. Most folks focus on trying to be right. It's their ego operating the bus. It's that egoic entitled righteous part of their personality and we all have an egoic entitled righteous personality. We all have it. I have it sometimes in abundance at times. I am learning to catch myself when I fall into the hole. I can tell you as a shooting my videos sometimes I act very righteous. I get it, okay? But I'm also not in relationship with any of you. It's a whole different ball game when you're in relationship with someone. And number five, and this is probably the most important is that you operate from a place of victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. Sadly, taking personal responsibility for one's choices is so absent today in most relationships. And in fact, did you know that 80% of relationships typically excluding death and 80% of relationships end. This includes marriages. This includes short-term relationship. This includes long-term relationship. The reality is very few couples are actually in a healthy, happy relationship. Let me repeat that. Very few people there as a percentage are really in a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. And part of the reason is is because they don't take personal responsibility for their choices. They're always pointing the finger at the other person. Going back to what I said about the therapist, people go to therapy hoping the other person changes. This is why when you work with me as a coach, and by the way, in the description, there's a link to schedule a call with me, my whole coaching program is designed to put the odds in your favor. Because the reality is, is dating is a screening process. It's a vetting process. And if you don't know how to, remember I said a moment ago, I'm not dating, I'm screening. Would you rather, would you want to go out with a hundred men over a five-year period of time and still be single? Or what if I taught you how to vet very quickly when you're swiping, you know, when you're swiping, when you're on the phone, when you're texting, when you're emailing, when you're Zoom dating, when you're FaceTime dating. Wouldn't you rather learn how to qualify your prospect because that's what this is really all about is learning how to qualify your prospect. And most human beings are terrible at this. Most human beings don't know how to ask the right questions in the dating process because dating is all about let's just have fun and let's just sit in our feminine energy and just have fun and just enjoy ourselves. How many of you tell me, post it, how many of you have dated just purely based on hyper-focusing on chemistry, focusing on fun and not true compatibility, not true compatibility, really understanding who's compatible with you. Because let me tell you something, I said 80% of relationships end. When you make it to couples therapy, very few couples actually ever get out of couples therapy and it turns into a healthy, happier relationship because most humans are more hyper-focused on changing the other person instead of learning how to change themselves. When I wrote my book, it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you begin to make the changes for yourself because I know a lot of you say to me, I know a lot of you have written comment, Jonathan, you were expecting me to do all the work. I'm expecting you to do the work on yourself. That's all I care about because when you can lead by example, you can filter out the wrong men much faster and actually become a magnetic attractor for the right guy. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, really quickly, I'm gonna take questions. By the way, if you wanna ask a question, purchase a super sticker or a super chat. By the way, the funds do go into, the money I get from that goes into a foundation I set up for my son Connor, the one who passed away. Many of you know my son Connor passed away, so that's what that is for. So this makes it easier for me to find the questions. I will go on this chat in a second, but I have a trivia question for you before we get started. So I was watching one of my all-time favorite movies the other night called About Last Night with Rob Lowe and Demi Moore. Rob Lowe and Demi Moore. It's a 1990 movie, I believe. My trivia question for you today is what city was that movie shot in? What city was the movie about last night, the original about last night shot in? Let's hear from you on that. All right, let's just check out the board now. Oh, by the way, if you have a question, post right the word question and then post the question so it's easier for me to see. I wanna say hi to Jenna and Terry and Jamie and Kelly and Jennifer and Joy and Jatina, Yvette, hi Tina. Yvette, Terry, I'm amazing. Yes, you are amazing. Wow, 80% of couples break up, that's so sad. Yes, so by the way, I got that statistic from Esther Perel. She did a podcast with Louis Howe called Why 80% of Relationships Fail. Esther Perel wrote the book Mating Incaptivity. Mating Incaptivity. Now let's think about this. When you take a divorce rate of 50% of divorce rate here in the United States, you probably take the other half of marriages who are miserable and unhappy and they'll eventually get divorced in a long enough timeline. You take the dating people are doing. And by the way, there's lots of people who have short-lived relationships that never go anywhere and when you add it together, it's no wonder because humans don't know how to vet for emotional maturity. That's why my whole coaching practice, check out the link in the description is all designed to teach you how to vet for emotional maturity. That's what I wanna support you on. All right, it looks like we've got a chat here. The Shabby B.J. show. Says, recently separated 38 successful business owner with a big YouTube following is so creepy to date women. Recently separated, it's creepy to date women in their 20s. I'm sorry to hear that for you. My demographic is midlife, which is after baby making years before retirement. I'm sorry that you think it's creepy to date women in their 20s. My son, my oldest son right there, Colin with that kind of freaked out face, he's actively dating. I don't think he would agree it's creepy. It might be challenging or uncomfortable, but I don't know really, you don't have a question for me. So I really wanna thank you for posting. So we'll go from there. All right, let's see what else we have. So if you have a question, please post the word question and then write the question that you have. Okay, I am Shabby says I'm just asking is, I'm not saying, please read properly. Let me read it again then. Recently separated your business with a big YouTube following. Is it, oh, is it creepy? I am sorry. Is it creepy to date women in their 20s? Oh, I apologize. I misread the question. So really quickly, let me just say this. I'm just here, let me post that question. I'm dyslexic. So sometimes I have a challenge reading. So I wanna post this question because I made a mistake. Is it creepy for a 38 year old man to date someone in their 20s? Well, if she's 29, there's only a nine year age difference. I think if someone is 20 and there's an 18 year age difference, there might be, you're literally almost two generations apart from one another. I mean, I guess the question is, it doesn't really matter what everybody else thinks. What matters most is what you think. What matters most is what you think. And what matters most is the person you're with. You know, I think, is it Dennis Quaid is married to a woman 40 years younger than him? If they're happy, then so be it. Who are we to judge? Who are we to judge people's choices? If two people are happy together, you know, by the way, we might be saying, well, she's in it for the money or she's in it for that or he's in it for this reason or he's in it for that. Who gives a flying fuck? I mean, I just said the F word finally. It took 19 minutes. Who gives a flying fuck? What matters most is how you feel about it. By the way, my coffee mug and I'm drinking coffee today, not a Moscow mule. Swear a little, you'll feel better. Shabby, I hope I answered your question. I once again, I apologize. I read it wrong, so thank you. All right, question. Do you have an email? Yes, I do. Go to my website, jonathanasley.com. Click the contact button. You can send a message to my office. All right. Question. Question, learning to have new practices and vetting, getting better, how long until I feel really comfortable with changing 100%? I'm here. Okay, I better start reading these more carefully. So please forgive me. Learning to have new practices and vetting, great. Getting better, great. How long until I feel comfortable with changing 100%? Question mark. I apologize, I don't understand the 100%. But here's the thing about vetting. It's an ongoing process. It takes, like anything in life, it takes practice, practice, practice. Learning how to ask really good questions to determine if you're compatible with one another. Do you share the same values? Do you, are your lifestyles blendable and then ultimately emotional maturity? That is a tricky one. And there is actually some questions you can ask. By the way, it's part of my proprietary coaching program that's in the description below to schedule a discovery call with me to hear about the program. But I don't give away the content until you hire me on that one. I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity much greater than what you can do. Because let's face it, what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. My hope is to shift that for you. All right. Mindy asked, what is in my Moscow mule? My Moscow mule is simple. It's, I use lemonade, vodka and a lime. Lemonade, vodka and a lime, okay. All right, let's keep going. Grace writes, and again, if you have a question, write the word question or buy a super sticker. Question, what message is a man sending me when he is off and on with communication? The few dates we've had have been really communicative but then gets quiet. His penis has not met my vagina yet. Yay, Grace. Okay, this is a very natural thing for many people to do. Let me, or let me say this experience is not uncommon. First off, everybody, can we agree we're meeting total strangers today? We're meeting total strangers when you go on a 90%, almost 90% of all first dates these days is happening through an online connection. The organic way of meeting is becoming the thing of the past. It's just not happening as much. By the way, I made up the number but it just seems really obvious today, especially with the pandemic. So when you meet a total stranger, someone you know nothing about, it takes time to get comfortable with someone to be. So our communication could be one moment we could be a man or woman could be craving, femininity or masculinity. It could be craving, let me reframe that. Oh, okay, I wanna actually, I'm gonna stop right here and explain something because I know a lot of you are hung up on the terms masculine and feminine energy. Let me just differentiate masculine energy is doing and feminine energy is receiving. Let me repeat that. And by the way, every human should be operating from a place of giving and receiving, giving and receiving, giving and receiving. A really healthy person is like a yin yang sign. They have a combined capacity, both give and receive. That's what an emotionally healthy person is. It's not masculine or feminine. It's actually an integration of being able to give or receive. Now I just said something. Men seek femininity and what that means to say is they seek women that they can talk to because men rarely can talk to their male friends about their emotions, about their problems. We're not allowed to talk about our emotions and problems with our male friends. So men gravitate to women that femininity simply because we know you have a capacity to listen to our problems. So a lot of men in the dating realm are simply trying to fill a hole inside of them. This is why I highly recommend checking out the book codependent no more, codependent no more. Men and women alike are sucking on the nipple of dependency. So why he's hot and cold is one moment when you need your feminine energy and the next moment he doesn't need it so he doesn't communicate. This is why it takes time to build the roots, the deep roots of trust in a relationship so you can actually be able to bond with one another. This is why I say this in my coaching practice. I teach you those questions to ask to build the roots of commitment, the roots of trust. And this is why it's happening because you're just a stranger to him, Grace. It takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time. It takes about a hundred hours of face-to-face time to really get to know a person at level one, at level one and think about it. So how much, you know, a hundred out, and by the way, that doesn't include sleeping in the same bed, that time doesn't count. I'm talking a hundred hours of face-to-face time doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests and maybe even spending time with family and friends. That's how you build the first layer of trust. And so until that's been built, people are going to be wishy-washy. I know you've been sold on this narrative that men are chivalrous and they're just supposed to claim you and all you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy and these men will do all the work. That's a crock of shit. Yes, that does happen, but a very small percentage of the time. And you gotta differentiate between the guys that are driven by lust and limerence versus those guys who are actually going to lean into a healthy, happy relationship. So my hope is I answered your question on this one as to why men go quiet. And again, this happens because you're both strangers to one another. Has this helped? I hope so. All right, let's go through some more questions. Bear with me a second. Wow, lots of questions came up. So, and I'll, let's see. Question, Jamie writes. Been with my guy for eight months. Things are going well. No, I love yous. Should I come out and say it or wait for him to say it or just let it go for now? Well, Jamie, I guess the question is, do you love him? And if you do love him, what does I love you mean to you? What does I love you mean to you? Now, for me, it means I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. That's what it means to me. It means that eventually if we're together, I want to take care of you. So, if you don't feel like he's in a position to say, I want to take care of you, then I would be concerned about saying the words I love you. That's at least from Jonathan's point of view. I don't know what I love you means to you. So, whatever it means to you, you know, look at, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. That's in my book. So, say it. The wrong person is only going to get scared away. The right person is going to lean into you. Just remember, for a lot of people, I love you means I'm going to take care of you for the rest of my life. And sometimes it takes men quite a bit of time before they get there. But you know what, eight months of having sex, if you guys aren't talking about a plan to move towards partnership at some point, let me repeat that. If you're not talking about a plan to move at partnership at some point, then you better find out what this relationship is all about. Because that's where a lot of people fail. Remember I said 80% of relationships end? It's because they don't have real good, important conversations right from the get go. And that's why I scream at the top of my lungs to try to get you to change. Now I know screaming is just simply because I'm passionate, because I'm like a, I look at this like you're a child about to touch fire. I want you to stop touching fire and start taking charge of your destiny. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, Jamie. But I've just given you my perspective on this and I hope it's helped. All right. Let's get to, Bappa, sorry. Okay, let's get to Shabby's question. Bear with me, everyone. It's a little bit tricky. Okay. Shabby, thank you for the super sticker, by the way. Wife left because she can't stand. I take, okay, wife left. She can't take, I left a nine to five job, I'm assuming, started my YouTube biz. I make three times as much as my full-time job. Should I bend, leave my passion? We discuss for a year. She says she can't change her feelings and thoughts. Okay, let me think about this. All right. Wife left because she can't stand that. Okay, so what I understood. Okay, so here's the thing about a marriage. A marriage is a partnership. And there's a great book I want you all to read. Where is it? Bear with me, everyone, one second. There's a great, there's an interesting book called The Partnership Charter, The Partnership Charter. This is actually a business book, okay? What I'm talking about this is a marriage is a partnership. And here's the thing. A partnership requires two people to express their needs, wants and desires, and come to compromises together. And compromises simply means a trade-off. So the question I have for your wife, if you, and by the way, I'm all in favor of following our passion. But the question is, who pays for the bills? Who takes care of the children? Who does this? Who does that? Having conversations about how this is all going to work is critically important. If a person left you because you followed your passion, it's kind of like my chapter in my book. If you're doing it, if it's from Seeran from the heart and a person leaves you, that's a reflection on them and not a reflection of you. So I hope I answered your question. And thank you for that. I really appreciate it. All right, Rosie writes, the guy I broke up with, okay, the guy I broke up with, a guy who was scared. He told me he was scared of love and didn't show me the time or effort. I miss him. Thought, I miss him. Thought is fear in men. Creating distance is a real thing. I'm gonna try to extrapolate what I think you're trying to say here, Rosie. So this man was scared of love, scared of commitment and he left. But you were attached to him. You said you love him. Ladies, to me, real love is when I said I love you, I'm here, you matter, we're important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Okay, that really only exists when two people can say it together. When two people say it can together. If one person says it and the other person does it, says it, I don't believe that's love. To me, that's attachment. And if you're not familiar with the book, attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. By this book, most likely what you're experiencing is attachment or what's also known as the amago, the amago. Most likely he represents one or both of your parents and you're trying to get love from your parents. Ladies, remember I said earlier about couples therapy being people wanna change the other person. Therapy is all about healing yourself from the inside out. And so the reason why 80% of relationships don't go the distance is because people aren't working on their own shit, their own shit. They're riddled with victim consciousness. Remember I said what's a high value attitude is victor consciousness. People are sucking on the nipple of victimhood here in the United States. They're not taking personal responsibility of their choices. They don't wanna fight fair because they wanna be right all the time. If you wanna shift your narrative start within but understand it's not real love at least in my point of view. If you're saying I love you and it means this and they can't say the same thing then you don't, you're just hyper attached to the person because two people who genuinely love each other, two people who genuinely love each other work their shit out. That's what happens when two people love each other. And when one person has an attachment for the other and the other's incapable, it's just a messy relationship and my invitation is you work on your stuff and not focus on him. And ladies you tend to hyper focus on what the man is doing and not what you're doing. At least that's my perception anyway. All right, much Dutch rights and thank you for your question Rosie, much Dutch rights. An outgoing talkative man has been pursuing me since March. We've made out but no sex. He broke up with me last week. This came this week. He came by and was quiet. Why was he quiet? Well, why did he break up with you? What did he tell you was the reason for the breakup? And again, the reason why he came by is because he on some small level he feels safe with you. He feels safe. And what I mean to say is, remember I said men are craving femininity because we can't talk to our guy, not if I can talk to my guy friends. By the way, someone recently labeled me a feminine because I know how to communicate my feelings. I don't know if I should say thank you or fuck you. But all I can say is men have a hard time speaking to their male friends about their problems and their insecurities. So we'll gravitate to women. So maybe the reason why he came back to you is he feels a little bit familiar with you. He feels a little bit safe with you. But there was a reason why he broke up. That's what I'd want to, he didn't want to see you anymore. His why is irrelevant. It spoke volumes. So focus on yourself, focus on yourself love right now and don't focus on what he's doing, focus on what you're doing. By the way, did anyone get the trivia question of about last night? I'm kind of curious. All right, let's see what other questions we have. Happy Friday everyone, thank you. Oh, I can't even come close to figuring out your name. Semestro, semi-serestro, excuse me. I'm terrible with names. Jonathan, I love your channel. I know it's direct to middle-aged people. But do you think it can be healthy for a male in his 40s to be with a girl in his 20s? Again, it's healthy. What does that mean? What does healthy mean? What's more important is can two emotional grown-up speed together, that's what's most important to me. Now 29 is a lot different than 21, partially because 29 is literally one-third of the amount of years that person has been in their life versus 21. So nine years is literally one-third of more of their life. So there's a big difference. Now, do I think it's healthy? It's irrelevant what I think. It's irrelevant what I think. I'm not here to judge people. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got to stop this fucking judgment going on. United States is falling apart. We're at a civil war with one another because of fucking judgment. Stop judging other people and start focusing on yourself. Focus on yourself. Because who cares what other people do, what matters most, what you do? If you're 40 and you don't want a data 20-year-old, go for it. I mean, who cares? What matters most is are you emotionally grown up? That's what matters most. Now, if you're asking me, is a 40-year-old dating a 20-year-old a grown up? I don't know until I meet the person, shake their hand and ask them the five critical questions that I teach in my private coaching. Check out the description below. That's what I teach you to vet for emotional maturity. And then once you've done that, you can decide whether or not you want to invest in someone. Anyways, that's how I feel about that one. Question, I never hold back with short sweet things I say and could I be too overbearing for him? I never hold back. You know what? Each person is different. For one person's overbearance is another person's, you're not giving me enough, okay? So each person is different. What's most important is, Grace, you just be you. You just be you. Remember what I said? If it's sincere and from the heart, you can never say the wrong thing to the right person. I'd love it if a woman whispered sweet enough things to me and flirted me, send me flirty text message. But that's just me. Some guys have a hard time receiving love. But here's the thing about those guys that have a hard time receiving love. They're really problematic to be in relationship with. They're problematic. Do you wanna be in relationship with someone who has a hard time receiving love or would you rather be in a relationship who can receive love? That's my invitation for you. And that's what emotionally maturity is all about. Gabby said, thank you. You're very welcome. I say Gabby, I am so sorry, my dyslexia. Sabby BG, so I saw the G at the end of the, and my brain puts it as I have dyslexia. I'm sorry, I have, sometimes I struggle. And I'm a writer for a living. Talk about a clusterfuck for me. Anyway, all right. Sarah writes, Sarah Cook, please define, don't you have to be in love to make love? Don't you have to be in love to make love? That's an interesting question because when two people have sex for the first time and they think it's off the charts, are they really in love with each other? All right, so for me, love, the bottom line of love, to me, being in love with someone, saying the words I love you, means at the end of it is not about all the good stuff in relationship, which includes sex. To me, it's means I'm gonna be there for you because you're going through chemotherapy and I'm gonna wipe the vomit from your chin. That to me is true love. Now, can we know that on the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, 10th date? Probably not. Can you know that in the first 100 hours of dating someone? Probably not. Could you have amazing intimacy and sexual connection and passion that feels so powerful? Absolutely, okay? And we call that making love. But at the end of the day, to me, true love is, do you have my back? Can you be there for me when I need you? That to me is true love. Everything else is either lust or limerence in my book. That's just my take on it, Sarah. I hope that helped. Let's see what other questions we have. Bear with me. Evette writes, how long should I stay single after a 25-year marriage? 100 years, not just being a smart ass. I do believe, okay, so. A marriage is like a tapestry. A tapestry, okay? When you unravel the tapestry, it's a little bit messy and it's a little bit frayed for a while. And what that tapestry is, at one point you were a we and now it's time to integrate into your separate me's, okay? I took, I didn't, by the way, I moved out of the house and was actively dating, literally days after I moved out of the house, okay? I was online dating. And I'll just share a quick story. I went on my first date, I'll never forget, my first date after a divorce, her name is Tish, we're still Facebook friends. Great date, nice girl, attractive, something wasn't right. Couple days later, went out with another woman, great lady, nice date, something wasn't right. Couple days later, went out with another woman, great lady, nice date, something wasn't right. I went on over 100 internet dates in my first year. It took me 100 dates to realize that I was the problem in everything. And then it took me about another year to just even be ready to be in a relationship and that was just me. So my invitation for everyone here is to do the work on yourself. Yeah, here's the thing, I'm not here to say don't date because I did it, I'm not here to say that. We're all on our own respective journeys. What matters most is what's important for you. By the way, humans are craving connection and sex, connection and sex, connection and sex. But that doesn't necessarily mean they're capable of being in a relationship. This is why I would have that highly recommend checking out my program, check out the link in the description to my one-on-one coaching so I can help you teach you how to vet for emotional maturity. Is this sinking in, is this resonating? Please hit that thumbs up, thank you. Mindy writes, I love you means I care for you. You feel like home to me and I'm ready for equal committed partnership. That sounds great, love that. Celestro says, it's not Celestro, I'm butchering the name. Says I, well said. All right, let's see what other questions we have. Leaf writes, excellent points regarding self-accountability, counseling, development, as well as judgment. Thank Jonathan, thank you. Thank you, I appreciate that. Raquel writes, passion can easily be mistaken for love, not necessarily needed for what feels like love mating. Late love mating, love making. Yes, I agree. Anna writes, when do you say I love you? Great question. So it's interesting, I dated a woman some years back. It was my most significant relationship after my divorce. It actually happened over 10 years ago when we first met. We really cared for each other deeply but we didn't feel like that and this was within the first two months of dating. We felt like we wanted to say I love you but it didn't feel right. So we actually, I called a French friend and I can't remember but there's a French word for, I love you like a best friend but more than a best friend. So this French person taught and I can't remember the French phrase but that's what we used to say to one another until we actually were in a fully committed relationship with one another. I mean, when I say fully committed, we were exploring a relationship together. So maybe there's a French word you might wanna find to kind of use it as temporarily like what we did but when do you say it? When it both feels right to both of you. That's what's really more important to me is when both of you feel right to say it to one another. That's what feels true to me. But remember this everyone, the words I love you are fucking hollow these days. How many people say the words I love you and treat each other like crap and ridicule one another and criticize one another and have contempt for one another and are defensive with one another and stonewall one another. To me, say it when it's real but you have to learn what grownup love is and this is why I highly recommend reading the book. How to be an adult in relationship. How to be an adult in relationship. That's when you should learn. That's the time you should learn to say I love you when you become an adult. And if you haven't read this book, I can promise you you're gonna learn so much about becoming an adult relationship. You wouldn't even need to ask this question because you already know the answer. All right, I hope that helps, Anna. KVY, I was gonna say KY. I'm focused on marriage. Shall I say that on date one as I'm betting them? I'm gonna share something with you all. I've done this before, I'm gonna do it again. This is my match.com profile. I'm gonna go to Jonathan's profile. I'm gonna read you the first line. This is my profile, can you see that? It says, let me start with the following. I would like to get remarried or at least live together and I'm seeking a woman who feels the same, okay? I'm very crystal clear. Yes, your profile should say I wanna get married and be crystal clear if that's what you want. You want to think of this like prospecting, like sales prospecting. A really good sales person knows how to qualify their prospect. Ladies, you don't wanna go out on date after date after date after date, just allowing the man to be chivalrous and he'll claim you and he's gonna leave you because you're just sitting back and you're feminine energy and you don't have to do anything. You have to do everything. You have to pre-qualify your prospect. That means set up your standard by saying, I wanna get remarried if that's what you want. Not everyone wants that. I can understand that. Not everyone wants that. But if that's what you want, then be clear. Eliminate the wrong people quickly. Does that make sense? Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? I hope so. All right. Tina Lee, big hugs to you. Yes, Kerry. I love his intensity too. I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Why am I saying I'm sorry? I am intense. There's no doubt about it. I'm crazy passionate about this stuff, folks. Let me just hear something with you, personal. I'm a junkie for this stuff. I love human behavior. Humans make me laugh like nobody's business. I gotta tell you, how many of you people watch? Do you ever people watch? Post a comment, okay? If you people watch. I love people watching because to me, humans are fascinating. Humans do some really stupid, ridiculous shit in my book. So I love this stuff because my hope is, my hope is, okay, I have to apologize right now because I'm gonna cry. When I lost my son Connor, that's my son Connor. When I lost him, my heart was broken wide open. And two months after he passed away, I began writing my book. What the heck is self love anyway? This is dedicated to Connor. This book here, I wanna show you something. Look it, this book is dedicated to Connor. Connor birthed this book for me. And this book is an invitation for everybody to begin a practice of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And I began writing this book in nine months to the day, nine months to the day after he passed, I published this book. In fact, I'm so grateful. Connor helped to become an Amazon bestseller in the first day. Was an Amazon bestseller in the first day. I'm so grateful. Thank you, Connor. He broke my heart open. So I can come here with the passion and intensity to speak up for a subject that needs to be discussed. And that is our individual personal development, self-help, our individual work. Instead of going to a therapist, expecting the therapist to fix the other person, I'm here to say every one of you begin a practice every day because it's a vaccination to emotional chaos. The reason why I didn't go down the rabbit hole of drugs and alcohol after he passed away and withered my life away, is because I was fueled by the passion to wanna help others. And this is why I'm so passionate. And that's why my intensity was what it is. So Tina, thank you so much. I appreciate that. And I'm just sharing with you all a little bit of why I do what I do. So thank you. I saw a super sticker here a second ago. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Thank you. Hug time for Jonathan. Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate that. In fact, it's Mother's Day this weekend. And Connor's mother and I and my sister are going to a tree house that Connor built with his friends as a way to honor him on Mother's Day today. And I'm going with his mom. His mom, look, we didn't get along very well, but I can tell you she did all the heavy lifting. And I am so fucking grateful for having a mother who did a great job raising my child. And I'm so blessed that she was and is a great mom. And I'm very grateful for that. So thank you all. I see all these comments. Thank you so much. Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate this. Thank you so much. All right, Rosie writes, let me shift gears. I worded it wrong. I broke up with a guy who is scared of love and he didn't show up with time and effort. I miss him though. Is fear in men and creating distance a real thing? Yes, fear of love is a real thing and creating distance is a real thing. This is why ladies, I'm here to say, my belief system is that 80% of the population who is actively single and dating and midlife isn't capable of being in a relationship that's men and women alike. Literally 80% aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship. And then of those 20%, half of those are struggling as well. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by, by the way, everyone, all the books I recommend as in Jonathan recommend books in the description. Why I recommend reading this stuff is because most people are severely, no, that's strong. Many people are severely wounded. Many people are pretty wounded. Many people are partially wounded and many people, and there's few people actually working on healing themselves. This is why for those of you know me, no, I'm such a big proponent of doing this. In fact, I'm getting lots of people telling me they've done the Hoffman process. This is what I did to heal my childhood wounds and traumas. Read this book, The Hoffman Process. And for those of you that complain, I recommend too many books, go fuck yourself. Because if you're not willing to read a book to change your life, then why are you even on YouTube? Why are you trying to figure this stuff out? Work on yourself. Stop trying to focus on fixing the other. Work on yourself and you'll become a magnetic. Oh, I got a little angry there. And let me just be candid. My anger was based on judgment because I'm angry at those that complain about reading. But it's bullshit. You should be investing 15, 20, 30, 40 minutes a day on, listen, people spend more time brushing their teeth than they do on their emotional maturity. That is, okay, I'm not gonna say it. I wanna say it, but I'm not gonna say it. I'm gonna let you figure out what I was gonna say. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Okay, so going back to your question, yes, men in fear are creating a distance. It just means they're not grown up enough to be in a relationship, but that's on them. It's not you. Brenda writes, just bought eight dates. Thumbs up, Brenda, way to go. That's right, get the books, get healthy, exactly. Carrie, it's difficult. I fear getting attached now because I'm not 100% healed. By the way, there's no such thing as 100% healed. What's most important is your healing yourself. 100% healing happens seven seconds before you die. You get to transition to the other realm and you get to come back to this earth and do it again and again and again and again. That's how this works, in my opinion anyway. So it's healing that matters. It's not being healed, it's if you heal. And when two people are healing their stuff and they join together, they have a greater chance for success. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Rosie writes, thank you Jonathan. Your advice has helped me a lot navigate dating. You're very welcome. Julie writes, your book recommendations are fantastic. Thank you, Julie. All right, let's see what questions we have here. Did anyone get the city that the movie about last night is in? Cheryl writes, Cheryl. I've liked my 57 year old neighbor for 10 years. He's a bachelor. I'm moving on because I'm tired of all of this. I'm even going to sell my house so I can move on. We've only kissed. So what's your question? Okay, so this seems to me, everyone, something called unrequited love, unrequited love. Do me a favor, go on Google and type in unrequited love. What that means is an attachment to a human being and they're not reciprocating because you're not exploring a relationship together. You're not dating together. So I'm sorry you feel the need to sell your house and move on. And I understand why this is happening, but I would recommend go see a therapist, talk about unrequited love, work on your stuff. Most likely your attachment is because you're feeling, you probably need to read this book, Getting the Love You Want, but go seek a therapist before you go sell your house and then decide if you wanna sell your house. That's my invitation for you. That's just a suggestion. I'm not saying this is what you should do, I'm just offering that as a suggestion, okay? I hope that helps, Cheryl. Thank you, Jules, I appreciate that. Oh, Carol writes, I love people watching. Yes, I love people watching too. Aqua writes, Jonathan, I'm so happy you are so real and positive. Thank you, Aqua Star. Carrie writes, I'm 49 and the man I like is 67. It does have some difficulties. Yes, there is a generation and I mean, what is that 17 year, that's a generation age difference. There are some complexities, but let's just face it, who gives a fuck? If you like each other and he's a grown up and you're a grown up, go for it. See what happens, okay? Let's see. Lisa writes, I have the book Getting the Love You Want. Great read, thank you. Jessica writes, I have no shagging neighbor's policy. Love my house and my neighbors. There you go, Jessica. That reminds me of the old phrase, you don't shit where you eat. You know what, I wanna recommend not creating too many rules in your life and just experience life. Try not to have too many rules and just experience life through your inner guidance. Because who's to say that person might be the love of your life? So as far as shagging neighbors, I don't know. By the way, I live in a condo complex over the ocean with 600 units. The love of my life could be at the balcony across from me, but I don't even know who the fuck that is. Isn't it sad? The love of your life could literally be right across from you, but you wouldn't know it. That's the real sad thing going on here. We don't know the people around us. That's why we're using these stupid fucking devices instead of actually meeting people, but people are busy. They're doing stuff. They're stuck at home. They're wearing masks and everything. I get it. But you know what's most important? The most important is the relationship you have with yourself. I keep repeating my book over and over and over again because it's a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you can feel good about yourself so you don't need a therapist to figure out this one. All right. My buddy Kelly says, thank you. Kelly, big hugs to you and thank you. Leaf writes, great idea, Jonathan. The issues we have go, wait, the issues we have go whenever we go so far we need to deal with them. The rest is just geography. There you go. I need eye-to-eye contact belly to belly time. Amen to that. Can I tell you how many women are in long distance relationships talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and texting and texting and texting and facetime and facetime. And the guy is bonding this much with you. Ladies, I wanna tell you all something. Write this down. Men do not bond via telephone. We do not bond. Hey, that's a pretty cool picture, by the way. Men do not bond via telephone. We don't. We bond when it's face to face doing shit together. Does that make sense? When we do shit together, that's how we can bond with you. Also, if you ask our advice, it's a great way to bond. All right, Thelma writes, I do not apologize, do not apologize, Jonathan. Much love to you, darling. I feel you too. I too am very passionate person and sometimes can't handle that, but my passion comes from love and authenticity. Thank you. That's how I feel anyway, so I really appreciate that. Much dutch, much dutch. Jonathan, a question. Will you share with us what you're looking for in love of your life? Put it into the universe so we can manifest. By the way, there's a bulletin board. You can't see it right here. I have all my criteria. I'm gonna read it then. Since you asked, it's on my bulletin board. All right, adores me, ad desires me, appreciates me, respects me, feels we've, okay. By the way, this is a we thing, so not a me thing. So let me repeat that. We adore each other. We admire each other. We have appreciation for one another. We feel safe together. We feel respected with one another. We enjoy fun and spontaneity together. We enjoy depth. We enjoy depth together. We enjoy flexibility and love and all of these things. So these are part of my mantra. This is just one example of my mantra. I have it on a bulletin board. I see it every day. So I can walk by as a reminder of the qualities and the feelings I want to experience with the right partner. So I hope that answered your question much, Dutch. Hey, Jonathan. Hey, Rachel. Jenna writes, I see myself as a child, not an adult, but not childish. Does that sound reasonable? So I'm not sure I agree with that. It's one thing to have a childlike spirit. What that means is beginner's mind, fun, friendly. But I'm a big proponent of being an adult in relationship. What it means to be a child in a relationship, it's the little kid who wants to be right. That's what a child does. It wants to be right. It wants to be heard. It's all about self. Being a child in a relationship is oftentimes an egoic way. Not loving childlike enthusiasm is one thing. Childlike behavior is another. So Jenna, I just would like to point that out. It's okay to have childlike enthusiasm, but not childlike behavior. At least that's my perception anyway. And by the way, Jennifer got the question right. It is Chicago, the movie about last night with Demi Moore and Rob Lowe. Just watched it on HBO the other night. So it is Chicago. All right. Sematosa Rosa, Rosa Rosa. I butcher your name, what do you say? If he's not grown up, but I am, and we have this generation gap, I'm 21 and he's 44. Also, I feel like that he has unsolved things that we can work on. It can or should I, it can or should I not even try to leave him? Okay, I'm gonna say something that's gonna sound rather offensive. It appears to me that women who are 21, who date men that are 20 years older, oftentimes have what's known as daddy issues, daddy issues. What that means to say is, when you say you're a grownup, I really wonder, have you read this book, Getting the Love You Want? Oftentimes when women date men double their age, it's because they have unresolved stuff with their father. So my real question for you is, A, and then why are you choosing a man who's 44 and who's an emotional grownup? Because something's going on inside of you. I invite you to look at that, maybe talk to a therapist about it. That would be my suggestion. Rather than focusing on what he's doing, focus on why you're choosing this man. Let me repeat that. Focus on why you're choosing this man. And don't say, because I love him, everybody says, because I love him, real love is when two people are doing it together in my point of view. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. And Lisa says, amen to that. Thank you, Lisa. All right, this might be a good place to share something. So, oops. Oh, Jamie says to clarify, we hike and run time with each other's family and friends. He cooks dinner, future trips, I love you. The only thing missing is the words, I love you. I am too focused on the words. Again, express yourself and again, if it's sincere and from the heart, the right man will appreciate the wrong man will run away. That's my invitation for you. Everyone, I wanna share something with you. There's this show on Showtime called Couples Therapy. Couples Therapy, it's on Showtime. You can actually see human behavior in real action when you can witness humans not taking personal responsibility and pointing the finger at their partner. When you learn to take ownership for your part, number one, when you learn how to fight fair, when you learn how to be consistent, when you learn to be inquisitive and curious, and when you learn to be transparent, that's the beginning foundations to being a high value human being. Those five attitudes that high value men want and high value women want. And my invitation for everyone is to lean into that. That's what this topic is today because the sad reality is 80% of relationships won't go anywhere because most humans haven't evolved enough to understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, read this book, and how to be a grown-up in relationship, read this book. And if you need some love and support, check out a link to a discovery call with me to learn about my coaching program. If you're ready to change your love life, reach out to me. That's what I'm here to do. Everyone, I think this would be a good time to wrap up. Today's live stream, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being on today. I want to say goodbye to Rosie and Julie and Carrie and Andrea and Jenna and much Dutch. And what was it, Gabby or Sabby? Tina Lee, Lisa, Kelly, everyone. From the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you so much for those who bought Super Stickers. I want to thank you so much. Listen, it's Friday. Go enjoy yourself. Have a wonderful weekend. And just remember that the most important relationship you have is the relationship with yourself. And when you have an awesome relationship with yourself, everything else will fall into place. This is a good time to wrap up my podcast. First, excuse me, my live stream. First, I'm going to give myself a big, gigantic, triathlete bearer hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bearer pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.