 So this morning I saw that Matthew Hussie posted a video on this particular subject I thought I'd weigh in and share my thoughts on this and let me just say I have a great deal of respect for him And I was he was right on target for what he shared So there's this one thing Romantically men do in the early stage of dating mating or relating that oftentimes women get swayed They get hooked in that sort of thing and they often miss this particular Clue as to whether or not they're serious more importantly whether or not they're serious to actually be in a fully committed Relationship, so let's dive into this romantic thing men do and let's see if there's some validity to this So what do some men do in the early stage of dating? Well, they get they do what's called love buying. It's also known as Love bombing could be words of of adoration words of affirmation words of Desire for a long-term commitment. They might come on very strong Now as a person who has done this, I know that from speaking from personal experience I've operated from a space of lust or Limerence lust or limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation So oftentimes it might be based on someone's looks or it might be that you feel a sense of familiarity With this person and when you feel this sense of familiarity You might think that you have met the one men feel this and women feel this now There's an interesting twist to this that I want to share in a moment because I think it's really important to understand What causes a man to love bomb or express? extreme long-term interest With someone who's a total stranger I'm gonna repeat that someone who's a total stranger because how valid is that love bombing in the early stage of dating? Well, I jokingly say if this person was so serious in other words. Oh my god. I see a future with us I see us getting married. I want to take trips with you is This same person willing to lend you $10,000 if you're in need on the second date Probably not So how can they profess some future with you if they're not even willing to give you a $10,000 loan? And I'm saying this a bit tongue-in-cheek, but let's really think about this if you're expressing so much Adoration for a person whom you barely know is this same person someone you're willing to donate $10,000 not donate, but loan $10,000 probably not Okay. Now if they do Maybe you should ask for it and see see how oh see if they're willing to give it to you I mean, I'm just saying if a guy comes on strong now the minute you make that request It's most likely gonna turn them off, but I think you get the gist of the point So what causes a man to love bomb? What causes a man to come on strong and and we do something that I call trying it on for size We express our desires of what it would look like in a future if you were in it Now my friend Allison Armstrong calls this cut and paste in other words, and I call it trying on for size What that means is they cut and paste you into their life to see if you would actually fit into their life So we oftentimes see this romantic gesture as having some validity for long-term success And yet I'm here to say it's very rare when someone comes on strong They express his long-term interest and it might feel so romantic. It might feel so like you've got the one When in fact, it's not real because real love is built through Through time it's built through social activities. It's built through hobbies. It's built through mutual interest It's built through spending time with family and friends It is built through the integration of each other into your lives and more importantly Long-lasting love is built through the storms that are it's built through the conflicts to people have So why would this happen? I think in the age demographic we're dealing with today men who are in midlife Which is after baby making years and before retirement We have a significant percentage of wounded human beings of what wounded human beings and These wounds begin to surface at around midlife more so than the demographic That's why you know Matthew speaks to a 20 and 30 year old demographic I speak to the 40 50 60 and even 70 year old demographic Most likely have gone through divorce because divorce causes an unraveling of the tapestry of one's old life And many people haven't healed from that experience or worse They've had a significant relationship after a divorce and they haven't healed from that experience or worse They've had multiple Experiences in the dating realm that causes them to go from one person to the next to the next and this is true of women Men and women alike. So this has an emotional effect on our well-being Now I can get into the reasons why men do the love bombing and some of it is just pure projection on Some fantasy future they might have with you or they just might want to get laid You know, the fact is is that we men Recognize that we could love bomb just a little bit Pay for a couple dates and there's a good chance we could have sex with someone we kind of like Versus a sex worker sex worker. There's no intimacy with that person and so it's a transactional situation but a different form of Transaction today is that we begin the little bit of familiarity with someone We've invested a few dollars in resources We can have sex with them and then immediately Choose to end it So we're going to talk about the current state of affairs in romantic Interactions, I was going to call this romantic Relationships, but it's not romantic relationships. We're experiencing today. It's romantic interactions and I've listed and I've identified some that we're going to lean into today and Then at the towards the end of this I'm going to give you a bit of solutions on how to avoid the trap of the following relationships. I Remember earlier men often do this as well as women do this because They're experiencing pain in their life and they haven't healed and that causes them to fall into one of one of these categories So the first category is the hooking up category Men typically who overly love bomb in the in the beginning of a relationship are merely looking to hook up Okay, now men love bomb also because they're projecting a wound from their past as well But for the most part they're looking for a hookup They're looking for a one-night stand and interestingly enough There's a significant percentage of women who will acquiesce to this. I can tell you after my divorce I couldn't believe how by the way, I was I'm a guy I pushed sex if I can I'm not saying I'm proud of that I've just done that and probably one in three women will say yes It used to be one out of a hundred women used to say sex yes to sex These days or at least it was when I was going through divorce It was one out of three that were willing to have sex with someone they barely knew So hooking up might be one of the primary romantic encounters we're experiencing today number two is friends with benefits friends with benefits These are the people who are friendly with each other Agree to have sex with one another They might actually have genuine care for the other person But they absolutely one or both people have no interest with exploring a serious significant Relationship with the other person. That's the friends with benefits dynamics Number three and this is probably the most predominant. Well number three and number four are probably the most predominant Romantic interactions we see today and the first one I was about to share with you is Situationships Situationships a significant percentage of people enter the first three to four months of a romantic encounter In what's known as a situation ship These are undefined interactions there might be care, but they typically lack integrity I repeat that they lack integrity what I mean to say is they are avoidant of Labeling the relationship there. They're avoided of agreeing to monogamy and exclusivity. They're avoiding of it because in reality They don't see you as a long-term partner Situationships are oftentimes those Dynamics where they might have genuine care for you, but they don't see you as a long-term Partner and yet they love the benefits of occasional companionship occasional sex occasional Connection does this seem true for any of you if it is please let me know in the comments Now the fourth one I'm about to share of these romantic type interactions are the casual Relationships these are the casual relationships. These are relationships where there's a greed monogamy a greed exclusivity but no talk of any future and no talk of any commitment after the three to four month mark there's no real Conversations and many now there's agreement of monogamy. There's agreement Exclusivity, but there isn't any real conversations about going deeper and I'm here to say ladies If the penis gets to regularly visit the vagina You have every right at the third month mark to say what are in what are our intentions here? Why are we doing this now be careful of doing the? Where is this relationship going because you have to identify where it's going for yourself first? It's not the man's responsibility to tell you where it's going You are better served to know where the relationship is going what you? Desirous Desirous desire of a relationship and then check in with him saying this is what I desire What do you desire? Well, let's just take it slow. That's something you hear a lot What that means is I don't want to commit Any more than our occasional companionship our occasional sex our occasional connection But I do not want to make any overture towards anything long-term That's what men say take it slow when men say let's not put labels on it Just the same thing See casual relationships, this is you know what okay, here's what sucks You know the first 90 days of people who interact with each other on a regular basis I'm not talking about long-distance dynamics. I'm not talking about those people that you see once a Week or once every other week. I'm talking about those people that see each other regularly The vast majority of men and no Within 90 days whether or not they see a long term potential future with this person Most every guy will sell you tell you who's in a long-term relationship right now Who's in a serious relationship who is married or lives with someone they almost all say the same thing I? Knew within the three maybe four month mark That I wanted to explore a long-term relationship So if you find yourself in a six month one year two year three year and there isn't any serious conversation of long-term commitment It's probably not gonna happen. He's just not that into you. I know that sucks. He likes you He genuinely likes you even cares about you But he doesn't feel like you're somebody he would want to take care of because ultimately what is Commitment commitment says Richer poor thick and thin sickness and help Good or bad. I want to take care of you. That's what it says And that doesn't mean I'm gonna financially take care of you for the rest of your life It just there's a desire to want to take care of that person. That's what commitment really means So now we have to explore the more serious relationships and these are the ones that must hit a four and six month mark in other words at the four to six month mark if you've been at least monogamous and exclusive The relationship I'm suggesting needs to have a serious Conversation and most likely the man who's what's known as a grower and a builder He's most likely ready to have this conversation with you So let me tell you about the grower and builders and here's a little chart. Please forgive the glare The users are those the 20% by the way, this is not a fact. It's merely an opinion the users They seek short-term game love bombers players gold diggers entitled women selfish people only caring about themselves It's probably 20% of the population The spenders they want they seek connection companionship coupling and sex no direction uncertainty Fearful usually have a dysfunctional life. That's about 60% and then the grower and builders Let me see if I can do this they seek long-term commitment their emotional grown-ups with good relationship skills They have their act together okay These are the people that want to explore a Serious relationship and let me just say there are a lot of growers and builders out there I know it might seem very defeating that it's only 20% I Gotta tell you Yes, you have an eight out of ten chance to get a user or spender But there are growers out there. You just have to be good at spotting them kind of what I teach for my clients That's what I you know, many of you have a broken picker My job is to help you fix your broken picker and I can definitely do that for you so so The three types of you know serious relationships are those that First a serious relationship. They talk. Let me I just reading my notes. They talk of commitment towards a future at least By the four to six months, but no later than the one-year mark So if any of you are in a relationship longer than a year and you haven't had serious Conversations about long-term commitment. This is the time to do it number two they integrate you integrate your lives together you Integrate your lives together and this should be happening by the third or fourth month mark give or take no later than the six month There's an integration you're meeting friends. You're meeting family. You're meeting their children all of these things you you're doing You're maybe going to a company party. Maybe they're inviting you to a Thanksgiving dinner that sort of thing you're going to a wedding with your partner These are the integration of each other's lives and There's mutual investment of effort. There's a sense of teamwork in your relationship, and it could be as simple as saying Hey, sweetheart, can you take me to the airport? I've got a trip to go on There's a mutual effort of Integration that's the serious relationships that are not either and then the other two are living together or marriage and Living together, I think it's important to differentiate between moving into someone's home or Moving into a completely separate residency where you're both on the lease. That's a pretty significant commitment Versus moving in with someone's home or they're moving into your home Well, that's an important step. There's a bigger step when you choose to be on the lease together. There's a piece of paper That says we're gonna make that make effort towards this relationship and most leases are one year or longer So What's the purpose of knowing all of this folks? I'm here to say Be careful of those early stages of infatuation. It could be a projection It could be a projection of their wound or it could just be that they're looking for a short-term experience What? Relationships that go the test of time Are the ones where they're actually growing together where they're building a relation by the way Whether you like it or not there's a you there's a me and then there's a we that's an intersect of the two Okay, the we it's an intersect of the two It's not the engulfment of one and it's not the engulfment at the other There's an intersect you remain in your sovereignty in your own world and there's an intersect that requires its own Nurturing to build a relationship. I've been reading a book lately I want to talk about today really quickly is sacred relationships the practice of intimate erotic love This is a book I haven't talked about before there's a link to get a copy of all the books I recommend Why I'm recommending this book today is when you understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship You're better prepared to work on building intimacy with one another See what's sadly missing in most early stages of dating. It's all predicated on Entertainment and not predicated on the building of intimacy, and I don't mean penis and vagina intimacy I'm talking about a heart-centered level of intimacy And if anyone tells you men can't talk about their emotions, that's that's garbage Men have a capacity to speak on an emotional level They may not be desirous of it, but they have a capacity to be vulnerable authentic and transparent And I know while men have been shunned to do so believe me we have men gushing their emotions out Now some of those men don't know how to regulate their emotions, but believe me It's asinine to believe that men men who are grower and builders absolutely have a capacity to do that now Why do you feel you might feel frustrated? You can't find a grower and builder? Well, here's the thing ladies you reject a lot of men because they are not your type You reject a lot of men because they're not a height you desire you reject a lot of men because they're not financially more Successful than you you reject men because they're losing their hair you reject men because they have a Dad bod I've got a dad bod by the way Why I'm saying this is you know We hyper focus on looks and not enough about character in the dating practice So we're we're so this here in the United States in particular. We're so hyper focused on looks and men are guilty of this as well And we don't actually invest time in those people that may not be our type, but there's certainly people of good character So anyway, those are just my two cents on this So coming back to men who do this the men who are love bombers over exaggerate infatuation Aren't usually serious about a long-term commitment. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know if it is please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel And again, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this post a comment below All right Time for Q&A for those who know my format if you have a question Write the word question them post the question there after Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name Of my son Connor Asley that's him in the woody outfit right there My son who passed away five years ago in his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman process Insight Institute and the seeds of love so It's time to take questions and by the way Heidi wants to say you're a handsome dad Bob Bob Thank you. I think I meant you meant bod by the way Gloria says women wait, what did she say should focus on money as much as they do looks? Well, is that does is that a good long-term strategy? That's a question. I invite those women to ask Let's see if you have any questions. I could have swore. I saw a question come in bum bum bum Let's see Beautiful me wants her may he's willing to give me a ten thousand our loan, but isn't one willing to come see 80 kilometers Well, that's interesting It's kind of funny All right, let's keep going Bump bump bump bump bump Let's see Melissa said I broke up with my 1.3 year relationship a few months ago today We had our first date since the break wait today We had our first date since the break everything was perfect and he wanted us to have sex, but I wouldn't Recommit I said goodbye. Well, thanks for sharing that Nettie has a question will he come back around? Oh, I don't know if that's a real question Here's a judgment by s dot moochers and losers are 80% of the population Especially older men then we can equally say women are Moochers and losers if you if you say this narrative then you have to say the corresponding of the opposite sex Now I don't believe that's true. I believe there are deeply wounded people Who are thirsty for connection and their way of going about it is an unhealthy way Whether they are a man or a woman and just let me remind every one of you ladies if you accept that Behavior from a man. There is a wound inside of you that needs to be healed So if you've experienced men that have been what she calls moochers and losers Why were you attracted to that person? Just an invitation of thought for a moment? Heidi says don't you think there's more women grower and builders now great question I think women have a propensity to desire commitment more so than men I do believe that men have a desire to spread their seed women desire commitment However, this doesn't mean just because a woman desires commitment means that she's any better at being in a relationship than a man We let me explain what I'm talking about. I Think the mature Emotional maturity level. This is not a fact an opinion I think roughly 20% of the population men and women alike have clinical Emotional health issues. Okay. Now while I say here 20% are emotionally healthy and have good relationship skills I'm probably being ridiculously generous when I say 20% because the vast majority of human beings are dysfunctional Women as well as men now. Here's the thing women. It can be just as arrogant Every human being believes they're actually the exception and not the rule most every human being believes They're the unicorn that they're not that they have great relationship skills. I can tell you I know some smart strong confident successful women Who have terrible relationship skills and they on the outside appear to be healthy? I think most humans are bad at relationships women alike So yes women might be desirous of commitment More so than men. Okay, but a grower builder as I said in my original narrative They are emotionally grown up with good relationship skills as well as they have their act together So thank you Heidi for that one. I appreciate it Let's keep going do you have a question for me write the word question then post the question there after Here we go. Joe. No Don't want to do online dating. Where do you recommend trying to meet a grower and builder? Okay? Great question. Okay? So first off you have to ask yourself Joe no How often am I in the presence of single eligible men? It's the first question after yourself. So if you work from home, it's non-existent if you go grocery shopping every now Again, it's still non-existent Okay, because you're not surrounded by single eligible people. Okay, that's number one So where to grow and builders hang out? Well, a lot of them do personal development workshops Trainings that sort of thing. I would say Tony Robbins seminars or some of them I would say Abraham Hicks seminars or some of them. They are Going to Joe dispensa seminars. That's where a lot of people congregate now within that population There are a lot of married people and a significant percentage of people in Relationships, okay? So most that's where growing builders hang out in those places So then the question becomes of the small pool of growing builders at these organizations How are they going to know you're a single eligible person? Very difficult unless you start to walk up to these men and then you're gonna roll the dice Now you can see if they have a ring on they're married But it's the people like myself that don't wear a ring that live with someone are you gonna walk up to them? And now but Jonathan, I'm a I'm a I'm a catch. They should be walking up to me folks, I I rarely ever walked up to any stranger and I would usually if I did it was based on looks not on whether or not they are a catch Okay, and believe me. There are a lot of amber herds out there. Oh Poor amber she gets butchered anyway so Online dating happens to be the primary place where people to meet today And I would venture to say in the next 10 years over 70% of all new relationships will happen through an online connection and what that means is you need to be better at Sorting at filtering sorting out and sorting in filtering out filtering in it's kind of why I do my coaching practice But guess what? They don't congregate, you know, there's not a place where grow room builders and I would say church might be a place for some That might be a place for some I forgot to mention church I'm a big proponent of non-denominable and non-denominational Churches as places to go, but that's what I would consider Joe. No, okay Hope that helps. Please. Let me know if it does Jennifer wants to remind us. I don't think men care about looks Than women I think men care more about looks. Yeah, because we need the penis to rise up folks We need the equipment to get up. So looks is a predication to that It's a it's a stimuli for us. So yes, men do care about looks more than women However, women seem to be equally desirous of the more handsome guy. It just had I think I Think people go through a divorce in their 40s 50s and 60s And they date with the eyes of their 20 year old version of themselves I think that happens with women certainly happens with men But yes, men tend to be more looks oriented and women tend to be more Status-oriented the more money a man has the more resources. He has the more likelihood She will compromise in the looks category. Have you ever seen some of the housewives husbands and all that good-looking, okay? Beverly Hills housewife orange County housewives that sort of thing Anyway, that's my thoughts on that All right, let's keep going Rose says thank you Jonathan for doing these lies. I know it's a Sunday evening. I thought ah, you know I'm lonely Marie's out of town. She's visiting. She's with her cousins traveling I know Deborah will make a comment on that. So when you hear that you got your props there, Deborah Yes, my sweetheart is traveling and I'm getting to spend time with friends I get to hang out with Colin a little bit more than usual and I'm really excited and I have a chance to do a live on a Sunday night All right, JK net How should I react to receiving breadcrumbs almost a year after him ending it via ghosting me? So he ghosted you but he's been breadcrumming so what I think you mean to say is he ended the relationship without any Formal breakup. Okay, but now he's breadcrumming now I'm gonna assume the breadcrumming might mean is he's liking a photograph on your Instagram or social media page and He might say, you know, he check in with you How should you react? Why are you giving it any? Why do you need to react? Why do you need to react? folks you're either Exploring a long-term relationship or you're not okay. Now. Does that mean two people can't be friendly to one another? Absolutely, you can be friendly to another one I don't mean your friends with them, but you can be friendly to a person you can show class and be cordial and kind to an ex lover but If you meet the love of your life, are you really going to be that friendly and kind to an ex lover? See to me if you're friendly with an ex lover, then you have to be willing to introduce this ex lover to any future lover in your life My girlfriend and I each are friendly and friends with Former lovers. I say the word former lovers former relationships. Okay But Marie has met mine and I have met hers We have interacted because they're genuine friends in each other's lives So again, you can be friendly towards someone you can even be friends But if you're gonna be friends, then you have to be willing to introduce this friend to a future lover Is that sinking in please? Let me know All right, Gloria's in the house and she says How to know if a guy is a provider in the first date or two You know well, I Want you to think about it this way 80% of the population in the United States lives paycheck to paycheck number one 80% makes less than six figures. Okay, it takes about six figure It takes close to six figures to support one person let alone two I'm exaggerating there, but it takes a lot of money to support someone so And I wouldn't Want to take care of someone who I haven't built real trust with that person So, how do you know someone's willing to be a provider first? They have to have significant resources to be a provider Also, if they went through a contentious divorce and pay alimony and child support I highly doubt they have any desire to do that in the future with anyone else So I highly doubt this is something you can find out on a first second or third date Okay, what you can do is get a sense of his lifestyle what he does for a living by the way You can Google what someone does for a living and see what kind of income that person makes you can find out if they're paying Alimony or child support relatively soon, you know in the dating process I would say before trust is built I wouldn't be physically intimate with someone and you might want to ask those deeper questions by the time you Decide to have sex. Okay, Gloria. Hope that helps DW says we we've all I've well I've dropped all those superficials and they're still the wrong guy Well, hey How do you make an omelet you got to break some eggs? Listen, I want to give Ireland some props here Or let's give her some props. Thank you for the $9.99 super sticker. We're really grateful How do we amp up our self-esteem for future healthy relationships? Well, I'm gonna do a little bit of a bragging Check out my book called what the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work link below Listen, I make a couple dollars off this book this I only promote it because here's the thing. I want you to look at Ireland is At the back of the book at page 167 is the recommended Readings teaching studies teachers workshops that I recommend and there's two pages worth of this I Started with the book you can heal your life Then I read creative visualization by shocky Gawani the movie the secret the movie what the bleep Returned to love by Marianne Williamson the four agreements Unleashed the power by Tony Robbins the untethered soul by Michael singer anything by Wayne Dyer Abraham Hicks The mankind project Reverend Michael Beckwith The Hoffman process insight Institute, and I even did the course in miracles These are all great places to work on your emotional well-being along and by the way Schedule a discovery call with me. I can help you with that as well. I do that for clients So I definitely would recommend scheduling that so thank you Ireland for the $9.99 super sticker all right, let's come back to As Dot says you can't fix people that's right Star of life wants to know how to get out of a situation ship Define make a request to define the relationship a to Assess monogamy and exclusivity and if you've been in this situation ship for a while make a request for some sort of Identification of the the title of your relationship if they avoid it Then you end it. That's my invitation for you anyway All right, thanks so much for that One of our Facebook member group says I agree most men enter a situation ship, but the woman is unaware of it exactly See a lot of guys will say I want a relationship Okay, what does that actually mean? because a Situation ship is a relationship Hooking up is a relationship friends with benefits is a relationship. These are all forms of romantic encounters What is his definition of relationship? What is his definition of commitment? How will he know he wants to commit to someone? These are some of the questions you might want to ask Before the penis gets to go inside the vagina Anyways, that's just my two cents on that Crouching tiger hidden rook Cute picture probably vetted a sexy Sicilian after the seventh day We had sex kept bonding seeing each other three or four days a week having a blast. He's he confessed. He's married. Oh You know, I wonder if sex the first night should be at his home That just popped in my head Maybe every single time you have sex the first time you ever have sex with a man is in his home To see if there's any reminences of some other woman in his life So I'm sorry this happened crouching tiger hidden rook. That really sucks Hey Renee just pointed this out saw you on destiny stream you seem like a really cool dude I really like your content even though I'm not in your target demographic. I'm a 20 year old male Renee Themen let me just say something you are my demographic. So tell all your friends to come to my channel I'm going to be doing more content for the 20 and 30 year old demographic both men and women alike So yes come to my content. I I was just saying this to a dear friend of mine today I really need to be coaching 30 year old people. Why? Because you've got 60 years of life in you Sadly a lot of my clients that are 60s or 70s are so rigid in their thinking that they're not willing to do the work To actually attract a healthy happy relationship. I'm being blunt here folks I know some of you are in my age demographic, but I will tell you a lot of you guys are stubborn How do I know this because I'm stubborn? I know stubbornness and I know how hard it is to do the work the older we get so Renee Yes, please follow my channel. Please tell your friends. In fact, I just wrote by the way folks I think I'll post the video I did with destiny and I this is a young man who's a millennial He's a gamer. I posted it in my community page. It was an interesting conversation We had about the state of the union of relationships for Millennials as well as those in us in midlife and we had a very interesting conversation So go to my community page scroll. It's posted there. It was a very interesting hour and a half long conversation So Renee, I'm really happy you're here. Thanks so much Renee Heidi says do you think men change their relationship categories? Yes, I do believe people can grow from Spenders so you spenders can become users Users can become spenders spenders can become grower builders builders can grow from Turn into spenders or users. So it goes in each category. I do believe spenders can grow out of it When they've healed the wound that causes them to be non-committal. That's what I believe anyway, I Want to give props to Julian. I'll answer your question in just a moment here. Let me go find this one bear with me everyone Julianna Rules on dating getting to know a man who dated someone you had a business relationship with I told him I wasn't interested Since I worked with his ex-girlfriend once thoughts Well, there's an old saying you don't poop where you eat You don't poop where you're eat. I think Yet, let's think about this during does anyone remember the show Mad Men Right about the six so I want you to let's go back in time for a moment We'll go to Mad Men in a second. Let's go back in time to cave people days During cave people days. Basically, they were tribes of roughly I mean, how many people in a tribe 20 or 30 people you mated within your tribe and this lasted for tens and tens of Thousands of years and then when we started to get into a little bit larger communities You still mated within your immediate connections. That's who mated with one another And we get a little bit larger. Let's go into the United States around the 1800s You probably mated with someone who lived in your town and that kind of progressed into about the 1900s and then when people started to go into cities to work around the 1940s or 50s or 60s the predominant place to meet your mate Outside of your home, you know, the home the town you lived in was in your city, but more importantly in your work environment That lasted till about sexual harassment cases, okay? I'd say probably a significant manner percentage of people from the 60s 70s and 80s Might have met in their work environment. Actually the 70s was bars Looking for mr. Goodbar the 80s were night clubs I know in the 80s I would go out every Friday and Saturday night to pick up chicks And now it's just the internet. So coming back to this When you when it was their work environment You could build a sense of familiarity with a person a sense of connection a sense of friendship today That could be deeply rooted in a sexual harassment case. So Or worse, you don't poop where you eat. So that's just my perceptions on that particular topic, juliana I hope that helps And answer your question and thank you again for the ten dollar super sticker. We really appreciate it All right, let's go back here We've got some questions here um Wanda has a question I got off the dating sites. They could never match me. You know of any online book clubs with men In it but are single No, i'm sadly i'm not i'm not i'm not familiar with book clubs, but that would be a great place to meet people. I would think Ed writes a question. God, I got my nose is itchy Should I expect a man to come and pick me up and drop me off at home? We have been dating for a while. He lives in another city 20 miles away. I can easily get there by train We will dine out. Yeah, you know after some point What it taking someone out on a date that's something. Yes, I would say it's very It would be a very gentlemanly thing to do to do that. So yes, I think what's your question should I expect I don't like the word expect, but he certainly should offer that So if that's an expectation, then I guess you should it should be you have every right to desire it And he should have no problem accommodating you and if he does he's probably going to use you All right, jennifer pops in and says Do you think that a woman would have to give her power away to some degree if a man is more financially successful than her? um I think in truly dependent relationships The person with the money Oftentimes wields more power um in dependent purely dependent relationship So let's say the man makes 200 000 and she makes 100 000 a year. That's probably too high Let's say he makes 125 000 a year and she makes 75 000 a year If she can fully support herself then she does not have to submit to someone else's rule If they happen to be a control freak Now if he happens to be paying for a vacation Then he should have every right to pick where to go And if she's if he's paying for it, she should be in a state of gratitude So um, but I don't believe um, you have to give your giving your power away Really means is not only is the relationship on his terms, but you Giving your power away is when your whole happiness is predicated on him loving you That is giving your power away. Does everyone understand this say jonathan? I understand If my happiness is derived by another person raise your hand Then that's giving my power away if the if the relationship is predicated on him making all the decisions And I still have a capacity to leave the relationship because i'm not dependent financially That's giving your power away Jennifer does that help? I hope it does all right Oh crouching uh tiger chimes in I spoke my mind and cut it off. He was so apologetic and sincere I've slowly developed into a casual dating because how well We got along. I don't want to be naive or a Transitional girlfriend. Yes, that's a very common thing. I had a I don't know how many transition girlfriends I had until I had a real girlfriend Listen, I was a train wreck after my divorce for probably five years Let's see two down. Yeah five six years. I was a train wreck. Um I didn't intentionally use women. I was just such a mess and women you guys are beautiful creatures You guys will be so accepting of a guy who's a train wreck And so loving because you see potential Actually ran into um my first girlfriend after my divorce Um My first girl I'll answer michelle's question in a second my first girlfriend after divorce And she said jonathan, you know to by the way, we're still facebook friends and uh, she's married now She goes I always saw you with the eyes of potential You know, I could see that you had potential um Well, I'll share that story another time, but um, but I I dated you with eyes of potential I knew you'd be a good guy someday not while I was dating you I I knew it in advance, but I didn't I went against my she didn't go events her better judgment. She she knew That it wasn't going to work long term But she still went at it. We went at it. Anyway, um And and so we're still very friendly to one another at least on facebook anyway. All right, let me jump into michelle's question How do you tell a narcissist from a good guy? My ex was super charming on paper And looks like a winner the reality is he had unbelievable narcissistic tendencies first off I'm not a fan of diagnosing someone with unless it's a professional that diagnosed him And I don't mean you spoke to somebody shared all your thoughts I think an individual needs to be diagnosed first with that said I suspect he was self-centric Charming people oftentimes are that way people who are incredibly charming But that has no bearing under whether or not they are going to have self-centric behaviors now with that said Most humans have self-centric behaviors. Most humans are a bit narcissistic I by the way, when you read the chart of narcissism, I check a bunch of boxes, you know I'm a leo the world revolves around me. I like a lot of adoration I feed off of it. I must have some supply or whatever, but I'm also empathetic I know how to apologize when I've done wrong. So it doesn't make me a true narcissist, but I'm owning that I have You know tendencies in this area You know, how do you spot them in the beginning? you know Relationships are a journey The important part of the journey is the individual healing you do for yourself So I suspect that in these particular cases um You know, you're really the benefit of meeting that person is you get a chance to work on your own stuff That's the real benefit of meeting and being with that person is you get to work on your own stuff. So um, that's just my two cents on that anyway, so Um, I hope that helps, you know, and I hope you get to work on your own stuff all right Sharon wants to say she's you're so wise jonathan. Thank you for being a member as well I appreciate that see that little that little dollar signed by her name That means she's a member of our group. By the way, you can join. Uh, we'll join our membership here as well Uh, Jennifer says greatly appreciate this lives. We are grateful to you. Oh, thank you so much Let's keep going Um bump bump bump bump if you have a question write the word question and post the question there after jk nat says Question he keeps texting. How are you every two weeks or so? again Are you exploring a relationship or is he just a friendly person in your life? Yes, men do that. You know, why do men do that? Because I think most when men think women are stupid And by the way, you prove them right so often Now the reason why you're stupid is because we stupidly want to be wanted I say stupidly want to be wanted our little kid is so desirous of being wanted That our adult brain completely shuts off and the little kid That little kid inside of us that desires to want to be wanted feels like a little a crumb Is better than nothing And men recognize this you ladies you guys are so Susceptible to crumbs. Don't let men get fucking let them get let them fucking get away with it. Don't Is this sinking in don't let them get away with it have more Be more in your self esteem your self confidence your self respect Don't allow yourself to be tempted by it. It's the devil tempting you It's your ego being attracted to it Heal that little kid inside of you that says I don't need a bread crumb To feel good about myself. I feel good about myself and then you will reject bread crumbs Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know Patriot lady says when I last dated single men were looking for a woman who was beautiful Had a good income and no baggage. Give me a break. They were all they were Like they were some greek god or something Yeah, I probably acted that way You know, it reminds me of that image where a man's looking in the mirror. He's got a big beer gut He does this and he sees arnold schwarzenegger At his prime. I think men and women are delusional. I think that's just we have this fantasy of who we are A delusion of who we are. I think everybody thinks they're the unicorn everybody thinks they're the unicorn Myself included. It's just the delusion we all live in I always say we're all just fucked up. It's just a matter degrees Anyway, that's my two cents anyway Nellie jumps in and says dear jonathan Where is the fine line between being unapologetic versus rigid and not willing to change especially in relationship? First off change. I've never liked the word change. I like the word grow. Okay I think being unapologetic is saying I I value my sovereignty and my sovereignty matters more Than any other persons okay now What I mean to say, let me give you what I what I mean by that is Have you ever heard when you're flying on an airplane and you're they say if you're traveling if in the case of cabin pressure change Oxygen mass will be dropped down and if you're traveling with children put the oxygen mask on yourself first That's what sovereignty is Never be apologetic for putting the oxygen mask on yourself first if you're giving it to everyone else Then you're doing it as a martyr. I do everything for everybody else. I am such a martyr I'm such a victim of all of this stuff Some of you are suckling on the victim suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness You're all you know blaming the man instead of looking in the mirror and saying how did I contribute to this experience? And then owning it and saying what positive things did I learn about myself in this experience? What did I need to heal before I met this person who wasn't right for me? And what am I going to to heal after I've ended this relation or this relationship has ended Folks if you haven't done Introspective work, what's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results And for so many of you what's worse Is you've become bitter and jaded to men And you guys are i'm gonna tell you something it's no picnic for us to mend the date out there I've gone on so many first dates where you could be sitting across a woman And you could see every guy that ever hurt her standing behind her There is a significant percentage of you ladies out there that are bitter and jaded Okay, and some of you that have become so fucking righteously entitled that you are no picnic either now Let me just say the counterpoint. There are a lot of f'd up men out there dysfunctional men out there It is a mess for both parties This is why I help women attract those growing builders by understanding How those how to attract that person by first get having a better picker in your life. Okay, i'm done Um i'm done rattling Sharon I just bought yourself I bought yourself love book on audible My dear friend cara noble was the voice of that book. So thank you. Hope you enjoy it and please write a review Uh Let's keep going Okay, jono says First thank you would you okay, you're very welcome Would you would why would x boyfriend who are married keep in touch reach out During difficult times want to reminisce about the past But didn't want to build and grow when we dated because he seeks you as his therapist Your female energy your feminine energy your female energy is like a therapist to him That's the why you are just merely a therapist in his life that he likes and cared for See it's easier with someone who's a friend because a brand new person in your a real therapist makes you work on your shit So it's easy to do it with a friend Because friends are terrible at giving each other advice. Oh my god you women are terrible at giving women advice Men don't know how to get advice from men Humans are terrible at this for the most part. So but that's the reason why jono. Okay. Hope that helps Does anyone wait does anyone really get this piece? We men use you as therapists and you guys allow it Because it feels like intimacy. He's being vulnerable. He's being authentic. He's being transparent But he has no capacity to commit but that's okay Because he's being vulnerable authentic and transparent It's okay because if I just if I just accept some of these crumbs, maybe he'll change his mind about me By the way, I can be a dick sometimes. Okay, look at I'm being a dick because I know how fucking painful this shit is relationships are The dating process is ridiculously painful Why do I scream at the top of my lungs to encourage people to do inner work? And look at I've done a shitload of inner work and I'm still a mess Believe me my crap comes up all the time. The thing is once you're aware It's a blessing and a curse most people are naive To their negative patterns of limiting beliefs in their life and they're chasing love through the belief that things make us happy Let me rewind that they're not chasing love. They're chasing happiness I drive a Hyundai if I have a Ferrari, I'll be happy I live in a one bedroom apartment if I had a five bedroom house in the you know in an expensive neighborhood, I'd be happy Happiness doesn't work that way happiness happens through giving of yourself to another human being and being a giver but giving of service giving to people And learning something new every day if you can learn something new every day, you will find yourself much happier Um then by the the cars and the homes and that sort of thing Oh God, we got a lot of comments Let's see S dot says it's my fault for accepting garbage okay Let's take away the word fault. Although I understand that It's been your responsibility. It's been your pattern. Okay, and you have to take I take ownership How about this I take ownership for accepting garbage And I will not do it again. I will not accept garbage anymore Okay, how about that write that down? Oh, wow Dwayne says seems like you need a therapist at this point sometimes I do During this work sometimes I need a therapist. Actually. I have a coach in my life when we talk frequently Jennifer says I don't wait. I don't give I don't give advice. Don't give anyone advice. We all have to do our own thing and work to do it I don't let men I I don't let men to use me as a therapist I tell them to go find a therapy heal your childhood wounds forgive your parents. Okay. Good for you, Jennifer Give me a big props for that one Uh Ballard of janey says j9 says I won't be jaded by one butthole and a psycho ways of treating others I totally love men and how they work. I'm gonna tell you something You're still triggered by him whether you like it or not because you wouldn't have had to say His psycho ways. Okay But uh, I bet you're on your way to healing and I'm sending you a lot of love for that Okay, jeff. Oh jeff is in the house. Hey, buddy. How's it going? Keeping it real. I'm doing my best, buddy. I'm doing my best. Give my best to joanne, buddy All right, let's see uh You know, okay, this will be our last one of the day from alex How would a man make it past her trauma to show that he's different and interested in long term? How would a man make it past her trauma to show that he's different first? It's not your job to show that you're different. You just show up different. Okay um She has to work on her trauma. She has to be willing to work on her trauma And um And and begin a healing process in her trauma. You can't do it for her. Believe me You can't do it for your partner They have to want to do it for themselves and it's by the way, this is the trickiest part of all folks and i'm gonna We all have this belief if you love me you would change if you love me you would grow Why isn't my love and my love enough? To change you why isn't my love enough for you to change? We have this self-righteous arrogant belief that we loving them Is a is a prerequisite for them to change I want you to really think about what I just said we have this arrogant I say we i'm guilty of this you know Guilty of like this arrogance for so many people that if you love me you would change I give you so much I'm so worth it That's the unicorn in us See what I what coming back to there's another book. I want to recommend The book spiritual partnership by gary zukov is really the journey through to authentic power is when we love ourselves And we really develop the best relationship with ourselves And we choose a partner who's also working on themselves. Those become sacred relationships. They're spiritual partnerships They become sacred relationships with one another whether they last a month a year or a lifetime So anyway, that's my two cents on that All right folks, you know what I think this would be a great place to wrap up at sunday night I'm so happy you're able to come on and share with me men who do this romantic thing We talked about the love bombers and I want you to be mindful of that. Oh wait Jeff just jumped popped in i'm on this site because i'm happily married and want to learn from jonathan On how to be better and jonathan gives excellent insight and hey buddy you guys i'm gonna tell you something This is a couple who have been married for god. I want to say 30 years now I love this couple. They're they met in around the college years They're a great couple. They've been through a ton of adversity together But they still hold hands and they deeply passionately love each other They're still a lot of passion in this relationship. I love this relationship and they've had their struggles And and sometimes it's brought them to their knees at the same time They were all in they're both growers and builders So coming back to my invitation for everyone do a better job picking And if you need some support with that schedule discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you Is this sinking in is this resonating if it is i'd like to hear your thoughts post a comment below If it did please hit that like button, please share this video Please subscribe to my channel hit that bell and notification And then check out all the links to a discovery call with me to follow me on instagram And all my groups and things like that All right, i'm going to wrap up this videos I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jotham barriga self love I'm going to reach into the camera excuse the armpit stains and give you a hug of love I'm asking you to turn to someone a pat a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank marlene and jano and sigh and Jnat and mori and ballard of janey and jeff and lori and escar and estha and julian And jennifer and alex and miss hamilton and dwayne and everybody who was on tonight Be well. Love you. Bye now