 Part 1 Chapter 10 of The Secret City. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Rita Butros. The Secret City by Hugh Walpole. Part 1 Chapter 10. We were approaching Christmas. The weather of these weeks was wonderfully beautiful, sharply cold. The sky pale birds egg blue. The ice and the snow glittering, shining with a thousand colors. There began now a strange relationship between Markovitch and myself. There was something ineffectual and pessimistic about me that made Russians often feel in me a kindred soul. At the front, Russians had confided in me again and again. But that was not astonishing, because they confided in everyone. Nevertheless, they felt that I was less English than the rest and rather blamed me in their minds, I think, for being so. I don't know what it was that suddenly decided Markovitch to make me part of his life. I certainly did not on my side make any advances. One evening he came to see me and stayed for hours. Then he came two or three times within the following fortnight. He gave me the effect of not caring in the least whether I was there or no, whether I replied or remained silent, whether I asked questions or simply pursued my own work. And I, on my side, had soon, in my consciousness, his odd, irascible, nervous, pleading, shy, and boastful figure painted permanently so that his actual physical presence seemed to be unimportant. There he was as he liked to stand up against the white stove in my drafty room, his rather dirty, nervous hands waving in front of me, his thin hair on end, his ragged beard giving his eyes an added expression of anxiety. His body was a poor affair, his legs thin and uncertain, an incipient stomach causing his waistcoat suddenly to fall inward somewhere halfway up his chest, his feet in ill-shape and boots, and his neck absurdly small inside his high stiff collar. His stiff collar jutting sharply into his weak chin was perhaps his most striking feature. Most Russians of his careless habits wore soft collars, or student shirts that fastened tight about the neck, but this high white collar was, with Markovitch, a sign and a symbol, the banner of his early ambitions. It was the first and last of him. He changed it every day. It was always high and sharp, gleaming and clean, and it must have hurt him very much. He wore with it a shabby black tie that ran as far up the collar as it could go, and there was a sense of pathos and struggle about this tie, as though it were a wild animal trying to escape over an imprisoning wall. He would stand clutching my stove as though it assured his safety in a dangerous country. Then suddenly he would break away from it and start careering up and down my room, stopping for an instant to gaze through my window at the sea and the ships. Then off again, swinging his arms, his anxious eyes searching everywhere for confirmation of the ambitions that still inflamed him. For the root and soul of him was that he was greatly ambitious. He had been born, I learned, in some small town in the Moscow province, and his father had been a schoolmaster in the place. A kind of Parodinov, I should imagine, from the things that Markovitch told me about him. The father, at any rate, was a mean, malicious and grossly sensual creature, and he finally lost his post through his improper behavior toward some of his own small pupils. The family then came to evil days, and at a very early age young Markovitch was sent to Petrograd to earn what he could with his wits. He managed to secure the post of a secretary to an old fellow who was engaged in writing the life of his grandfather, a difficult book as the grandfather had been a voluminous letter writer, and this correspondence had to be collected and tabulated. For months and even years young Markovitch laboriously endeavored to arrange these old yellow letters, dull, pathetic, incoherent. His patron grew slowly imbecile, but through the fogs that increasingly besieged him saw only this one thing clearly, that the letters must be arranged. He kept Markovitch relentlessly at his table, allowing him no pleasures, feeding him miserably, and watching him personally undress every evening lest he should have secreted certain letters somewhere on his body. There was something almost sadist, apparently, in the old gentleman's observation of Markovitch's labors. It was during these years that Markovitch's ambitions took flame. He was always, as he told me, having amazing ideas. I asked him, what kind of ideas? Ideas by which the world would be transformed. Those letters were all old, you know, and dusty and yellow and eaten some of them by rats, and they'd lie on the floor and I'd try to arrange them in little piles according to their dates. There'd be rows of little packets all across the floor. And then somehow, when one's back was turned, they'd move, all of their own wicked purpose, and one would have to begin all over again, bending with one's back aching, and seeing always this stupid handwriting. I hated it, Ivan Andreevitch. Of course I hated it, but I had to do it for the money. And I lived in his house, too. And as he got madder, it wasn't pleasant. He wanted me to sleep with him because he saw things in the middle of the night, and he'd catch hold of me and scream and twist his fat legs round me. No, it wasn't agreeable. An smpetitni safzem. He wasn't a nice man at all. But while I was sorting the letters, these ideas would come to me, and I would be on fire. It seemed to me that I was to save the world, and that it would not be difficult if only one might be resolute enough. That was the trouble to be resolute. One might say to oneself, on Friday, October 13th, I will do so and so. And then on Saturday, November 3rd, I will do so and so. And then on December 24th, it will be finished. But then, on October 13th, one is maybe in quite another mood. One is even ill possibly, and so nothing is done and the whole plan is ruined. I would think all day as to how I would make myself resolute. And I would say when Old Fyodor Stepanovich would pinch my ear and deny me more soup, aha, you wait, you old pig face, you wait until I've mastered my resolution, and then I'll show you. I fancied, for instance, that if I could command myself sufficiently, I could just go to people and say, you must have bathhouses like this and this. I had all the plans ready, you know, and in the hottest room you have couches like this and you have a machine that beats your back. So, so, so, not those dirty old things that leave bits of green stuff all over you, and so on and so on. But, better ideas than that, ideas about poverty and wealth, no more kings, you know, nor police, but not your cheap socialism that fellows like Boris Nikolayevich shout about. No, real happiness so that no one need work as I did for an old beast who didn't give you enough soup and have to keep quiet all the same and say nothing. Ideas came like flocks of birds, so many that I couldn't gather them all, but had sometimes to let the best ones go. And I had no one to talk to about them, only the old cook and the girl in the kitchen who had a child by old Fyodor that he wouldn't own, but she swore it was his and told everyone the time when it happened and where it was and all. Then the old man fell downstairs and broke his neck and he'd left me some money to go on with the letters. At this point Markovich's face would become suddenly triumphantly malevolent, like the face of a schoolboy who remembers a trick that he played on a hated master. Do you think I went on with them, Ivan Andreyevich? No, not I, but I kept the money. That was wrong of you, I would say gravely. Yes, wrong of course, but hadn't he been wrong always? And, after all, isn't everybody wrong? We Russians have no conscience, you know, about anything, and that's simply because we can't make up our minds as to what's wrong and what's right. And even if we do make up our minds, it seems a pity not to let yourself go when you may be dead tomorrow. Wrong and right, what words? Who knows? It would have been the greatest thing in the world to go on with the letters, wasting everybody's time and for myself too, who had so many ideas that life simply would never be long enough to think them all out. It seemed that shortly after this he had luck with a little invention and this piece of luck was, I should imagine, the ruin of his career as pieces of luck so often are the ruin of careers. You never understand what precisely his invention was. It had something to do with the closing of doors, something that you pulled at the bottom of the door so that it shut softly and didn't creak with the wind. A Jew bought the invention and gave Markovich enough money to lead him confidently to believe that his fortune was made. Of course it was not. He never had luck with an invention again, but he was bursting with pride and happiness, set up house for himself in a little flat on the Vesele Ostrov and met Vera Mikolovna. I wish I could give some true idea of the change that came over him when he reached this part of his story. When he had spoken of his childhood, his father, his first struggles to live, his life with his old patron, he had not attempted to hide the evil, the malice, the envy that there was in his soul. He had even emphasized it, I might fancy, for my own a special benefit so that I might see that he was not such a weak romantic sentimental creature as I had supposed. Although God knows I had never fancied him romantic. Now when he spoke of his wife his whole body changed. She married me out of pity, he told me. I hated her for that and I loved her for that I hate and love her for it still. Here I interrupted him and told him that perhaps it was better that he should not confide in me the inner history of his marriage. Why not? he asked me suspiciously. Because I'm only an acquaintance you scarcely know me. You may regret it afterwards when you're in another mood. Oh, you English, he said contemptuously. You're always to be trusted. As a nation you're not, but as one man to another you're not interested enough in human nature to give away secrets. Well, tell me what you like, I said, only I make no promises about anything. I don't want you to, he retorted. I'm only telling you what everyone knows. Wasn't I aware from the first moment that she married me out of pity and didn't they all know it and laugh and tell her she was a fool? She knew that she was a fool too, but she was very young and thought it fine to sacrifice herself for an idea. I was ill and I talked to her about my future. She believed in it. She thought I could do wonderful things if only someone looked after me and at the same time despised me for wanting to be looked after. And then I wasn't so ugly as I am now. She had some money of her own and we took in lodgers and I loved her as I love her now so that I could kiss her feet and then hate her because she was kind to me. She only cares for her sister Nina and because I was jealous of the girl and hated to see Vera good to her I had her to live with us just to torture myself and show that I was stronger than all of them if I liked. And so I am beastly uncle the doctor and all the rest of them. Let him do what he likes. It was the first time that he had mentioned Semyonov. He's coming back I said. Oh, is he? Well, he'd better look out. Then his voice, his face, even the shape of his body changed once again. I'm not a bad man, Ivan Andreyevich. No, I'm not. Of course. And I don't mind if you do. But I love Vera and if she loved me I could do great things. I could astonish them all. I hear them say that Nicholas Markovich he's no good with his inventions. What did a fine woman like that marry such a man for? I know what they say. But I'm strong if I like. I gave up drink when I wished I can give up anything I succeed they'll see and then we'll have enough money not to need these people staying with us and despising us. No one despises you, Nikolai Leontovich, I interrupted. And what does it matter if they do? He fiercely retorted. I despise them, all of them. It's easy for them when everything goes well with them. But with me, everything goes wrong. Everything. But I'm strong enough to make everything go right as I will. This was, for the time, the end of his confidences. He had, I was sure, something further to tell me. Some plan, some purpose. But he decided suddenly that he would keep it to himself. Although I am convinced that he had only told me his earlier story in order that I might understand this new idea of his. But I did not urge him to tell me. It had not yet sufficiently revived. It was, after all, none of my business. For the rest, it seemed that he had been wildly enthusiastic about the war at its commencement. He had had great ideas about Russia. But now he had given up all hope. Russia was doomed. And Germany, whom he hated and admired, would eat her up. And what did it matter? Perhaps Germany would run Russia. And then there would be order and less thieving. And this horrible war would stop. How foolish it had been to suppose that anyone in Russia would ever do anything. They were all fools and naives and idle in Russia like himself. And so he left me. End of Part 1 Chapter 10 Part 1 Chapter 11 of The Secret City On Christmas Eve, late in the evening, I went into a church. It was my favorite church in Petrograd, rising at the English Prospect End of the Key, with its wonderful language, and its wonderful language, and its wonderful language, and its wonderful language, and its wonderful language, As a project end of the Key, with its white-rounded towers pure and quiet and modest. I had been depressed all day. I had not been well, and the weather was harsh. A bitterly cold, driving wind, beating down the streets and stroking the ice of the canal into a dull gray color. Christmas seemed to lift into sharper, bitterer irony the ghastly horrors of this endless war. Last Christmas I had been too ill to care and the Christmas before I had been at the front when the war had been young and full of hope and I had seen enough nobility and self-sacrifice to be reassured about the true stuff of the human soul. Now all that seemed to be utterly gone. On the one side my mind was filled with my friends, John Trenchard and Marie Ivanovna. The sacrifice that they had made seemed to be wicked and useless. I had lost altogether that conviction of the continuance and persistence of their souls that I had for so long carried with me. They were dead, dead, simply dead. There at the front one had believed in many things. Here in this frozen and starving town with every ghost working against every human there was assurance of nothing, only deep foreboding and an ominous silence. The murder of Rasputin still hung over every head. The first sense of liberty had passed and now his dirty malicious soul seemed to be watching us all reminding us that he had not left us but was waiting for the striking of some vast catastrophe that the friends whom he had left behind him to carry on his work were preparing. It was this sense of moving so desperately and so hopelessly in the dark that was with me. Any chance that there had seemed to be of Russia rising from the war with a free soul appeared now to be utterly gone. Before our eyes the powers that ruled us were betraying us, laughing at us, selling us. And we did not know who was our enemy, who our friend, whom to believe, of whom to take counsel. Peculation and lying and the basest intrigue was on every side of us, hunger for which there was no necessity, want in a land packed with everything. I believe that there may have been very well another side to the picture, but at that time we could not see. We did not wish to see, we were blindfolded men. I entered the church and found that the service was over. I passed through the aisle into the little rounded cup of dark and gold where the altars were. Here, there were still collected a company of people kneeling some of them in front of the candles, others standing there motionless like statues, their hands folded gazing before them. The candles flung a mist of dim embroidery upon the walls and within the mist the dark figures of the priest moved to and fro. An old priest with long white hair was standing behind a desk close to me and reading a long prayer in an unswerving monotonous voice. There was the scent of candles and cold stone and hot human breath in the little place. The tawdry guilt of the icons glittered in the candlelight and an echo of the cold wind creeping up the long dark aisle blew the light about so that the guilt was like flashing piercing eyes. I rubbed my shuba closely about me and stood there lost in a hazy, indefinite dream. I was comforted and touched by the placid, mild kindly faces of those standing near me. No evil here, I thought, only ignorance and for that others are responsible. I was lost in my dream and I did not know of what I was dreaming. The priest's voice went on and the lights flickered and it was as though someone, a long way off, was trying to give me a message that it was important that I should hear, important for myself and for others. There came over me, once I know not, a sudden conviction of the fearful power of evil, a sudden realization as though I had been shown something, a scene or a picture or a writing which had brought this home to me. The lights seemed to darken, the priest's figure faded and I felt as though the message that someone had been trying to deliver to me had been withdrawn. I waited a moment looking about me in a bewildered fashion as though I had, in reality, just woken from sleep. Then I left the church. Outside the cold air was intense. I walked to the end of the key and leaned on the stone parapet. The neva seemed vast like a huge white impending shadow. It swept in a colossal wave of frozen ice out to the far horizon where tiny twinkling lights met it and closed it in. The bridges that crossed it held forth their lights and there were the gleams like traveling stars of the passing trams. But all these were utterly insignificant against the vast body of the contemptuous ice. On the father's shore the buildings rose in a thin tapering line looking as though they had been made of black tissue paper against the solid weight of the cold, stony sky. The Peter and Paul fortress, the towers of the Mohammedan Mosque were thin, immaterial, ghostly and the whole line of the town was simply a black penciled shadow against the ice. Smoke that might be scattered with one heave of the force of the river. The neva was silent. But beneath that silence beat what force and power, what contempt and scorn, what silent purposes. I saw then near me and gazing like myself onto the river the tall broad figure of a peasant standing without movement, black against the sky. He seemed to dominate the scene to be stronger and more contemptuous than the ice itself, but also to be in sympathy with it. I made some movement and he turned and looked at me. He was a fine man with a black beard and noble carriage. He passed down the key and I turned towards home. End of Part 1 Chapter 11 Part 1 Chapter 12 of The Secret City This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Rita Butros. The Secret City by Hugh Walpole Part 1 Chapter 12 About four o'clock on Christmas afternoon, I took some flowers to Vera Mikolovna. I found that the long sitting room had been cleared of all furniture, save the big table and the chairs round it. About a dozen middle-aged ladies were sitting about the table and solemnly playing lotto. So serious were they that they scarcely looked up when I came in. Vera Mikolovna said my name and they smiled, and some of them bowed, but their eyes never left the numbered cards. Dvar, Pedikat, Chetiriai, Zorakhtri, Semdised Vosim came from a stout and good-natured lady reading the numbers as she took them from the box. Most of the ladies were healthy, perspiring, and of a most amiable appearance. They might, many of them, have been the wives of English country clergymen, so domestic and unalarmed were they. I recognized two Markovitch aunts and a Semyonov cousin. There was a hush and a solemnity about the proceedings. Vera Mikolovna was very busy in the kitchen, her face flushed and her sleeves rolled up. Sasha, the servant, malevolently assisting her and scolding continually the stout and agitated country girl who had been called in for the occasion. All goes well, Vera smilingly assured me, half past six it is, don't be late. I will be in time, I said. Do you know, I've asked your English friend, the big one. Lawrence, is he coming? Yes, at least I understood so on the telephone, but he sounded confused. Do you think he will want to come? I'm sure he will, I answered. Afterwards I wasn't sure. I thought he might think it impertinent when we know him so little, but he could easily have said if he didn't want to come, couldn't he? There seemed to me something unusual in the way that she asked me these questions. She did not usually care whether people were offended or no. She had not time to consider that. And in any case she despised people who took offence easily. I would perhaps have said something, but the country girl dropped a plate and Sasha leapt upon the opportunity. Drunk! What did I say having such a girl? Is it not better to do things for yourself, but no? Of course no one cares for my advice, as though last year the same thing. And so on. I left them and went home to prepare for the feast. I returned punctually at half past six and found everyone there. Many of the ladies had gone, but the aunts remained and there were other uncles and some cousins. We must have been in all between twenty and thirty people. The table was now magnificently spread. There was a fine glittering Father Christmas in the middle, a Father Christmas of German make, I am afraid. Ribbons and frosted strips of colored paper ran in lines up and down the cloth. The Zacusca were on a side table near the door, herrings and ham and smoked fish and radishes and mushrooms and tongue and caviar and most unusual of all in those days a decanter of vodka. No one had begun yet. Everyone stood about, a little uneasy and awkward, with continuous glances flung at the Zacusca table. Of the company Markovitch first caught my eye. I had never seen him so clean and smart before. His high piercing collar was of course the first thing that one saw. Then one perceived that his hair was brushed, his beard trimmed and that he wore a very decent suit of rather shiny black. This washing and scouring of him gave him a curiously subdued and imprisoned air. I felt sympathetic towards him. I could see that he was anxious to please, happy at the prospect of being a successful host and tonight most desperately in love with his wife. That last stood out and beyond all else. His eyes continually sought her face. He had the eyes of a dog watching and waiting for its master's appreciative word. I had never before seen Vera Mikolovna so fine and independent and at the same time so kind and gracious. She was dressed in white, very plain and simple. Her shining black hair piled high on her head. Her kind good eyes watching everyone and everything to see that all were pleased. She too was happy tonight, but happy also in a strange subdued quiescent way. And I felt, as I always did about her, that her soul was still asleep and untouched and that much of her reliance and independence came from that. Uncle Ivan was in his smart clothes, his round face very red, and he wore his air of rather ladylike but inoffensive superiority. He stood near the table with the Zakoska and his eyes rested there. I do not now remember many of the Markovitch and Semyonov relations. There was a tall, thin young man, rather bald with a short black mustache. He was nervous and self-assertive and he had a high, shrill voice. He talked incessantly. There were several delightful middle-aged women, quiet and ready to be pleased with everything, the best Russian type of all perhaps. Women who knew life, who were generously tolerant, kind-hearted, with a quiet sense of humor and no nonsense about them. There was one fat, red-faced man in a very tight black coat who gave his opinion always about food and drink. He was from Moscow, his name Paul Leontevich Rosanov and I met him on a later occasion of which I shall have to tell in its place. Then there were two young girls who giggled a great deal and whispered together. They hung around Nina and stroked her hair and admired her dress and laughed at Boris Grogov and anyone else who was near them. Nina was immensely happy. She loved parties, of course, and especially parties in which she was the hostess. She was like a young kitten or puppy in a white frock with her hair tumbling over her eyes. She was greatly excited and as joyous as though there were no war and no afflicted Russia and nothing serious in all the world. This was the first occasion on which I suspected that Grogov cared for her. Outwardly he did nothing but chafe and teas her and she responded in that quick, rather sharp and very often crudely personal way at which foreigners for the first time in Russian company so often wonder. Badenage with Russians so quickly passes to lively and noisy quarreling which in its turn so suddenly fades into quiet contented amiability that it is little wonder that the observer feels rather breathless at it all. Grogov was a striking figure with his fine height and handsome head and bold eyes but there was something about him that I did not like. Immensely self-confident. He nevertheless seldom opened his mouth without betraying great ignorance about almost everything. He was hopelessly ill-educated and was the more able therefore from the very little knowledge that he had to construct a very simple socialist creed in which the main statutes were that everything should be taken from the rich and given to the poor, the peasants should have all the land and the rulers of the world be beheaded. He had no knowledge of other countries although he talked very freely of what he called his international principles. I could not respect him as I could many Russian revolutionaries because he had never on any occasion put himself out or suffered any inconvenience for his principles living as he did comfortably with all the food and clothes that he needed. At the same time he was on the other hand kindly and warm-hearted and professed friendship for me although he despised what he called my capitalistic tendencies. Had he only known he was far richer and more autocratic than I. In the midst of this company Henry Bohen was rather shy and uncomfortable. He was suspicious always that they would laugh at his Russian what mattered it if they did and he was distressed by the noise and boisterous friendliness of everyone. I could not help smiling to myself as I watched him. He was learning very fast. He would not tell anyone now that he really thought that he did understand Russia nor would he offer to put his friends right about Russian characteristics and behavior. He watched the young giggling girls and the fat Rosenhoff and the shrill young man with ill-concealed distress very far these from the lesos and natashas of his literary imagination and yet not so far either had he only known. He pinned all his faith as I could see to Vera Megalovna who did gloriously fulfill his self-instituted standards and yet he did not know her at all. He was to suffer pain there too. At dinner he was unfortunately seated between one of the giggling girls and a very deaf old lady who was the great aunt of Nina and Vera. This old lady trembled like an aspen leaf and was continually dropping beneath the table a little black bag that she carried. She could make nothing of Bowen's Russian even if she heard it and was under the impression that he was a Frenchman. She began a long quivering story about Paris to which she had once been, how she had lost herself and how a delightful Frenchman had put her on her right path again. A chivalrous people, your countrymen, she repeated, nodding her head so that her long silver earrings rattled again. Gay and chivalrous. Bowen was not, I am afraid, as chivalrous as he might have been because he knew that the girl on his other side was laughing at his attempts to explain that he was not a Frenchman. Stupid old woman, he said to me afterwards, she dropped her bag under the table at least twenty times. Meanwhile, the astonishing fact was that the success of the dinner was Jerry Lawrence. He was placed on Vera Mikolovna's left hand, Rosenov, the Moscow merchant near to him, and I did not hear him say anything very bright or illuminating, but everyone felt, I think, that he was a cheerful and dependable person. I always felt, when I observed him, that he understood the Russian character far better than any of us. He had none of the self-assertion of the average Englishman, and at the same time he had his opinions and his preferences. He took every kind of chaff with good-humored indifference, but I think it was above everything else his tolerance that pleased the Russians. Nothing shocked him, which did not at all mean that he had no code of honour or morals. His code was severe and stern, but his sense of human fallibility and the fine fight that human nature was always making against stupendous odds stirred him to a fine and comprehending clarity. He had many faults. He was obstinate, often dull and lethargic, in many ways grossly ill-educated and sometimes willfully obtuse, but he was a fine friend, a noble enemy, and a chivalrous lover. There was nothing mean nor petty in him, and his views of life and the human soul were wider and more all-embracing than in any Englishman I have ever known. You may say, of course, that it is sentimental nonsense to suppose at all that the human soul is making a fine fight against odds. Even I, at this period, was tempted to think that it might be nonsense. But it is a view as good as another, after all, and so ignorant are all of us, that no one has a right to say that anything is impossible. After drinking the vodka and eating the zakoska, we sat down to table and devoured crayfish soup. Everyone became lively. Politics, of course, were discussed. I heard Rosanov say, ah, you and Petrograd, what do you know of things? Don't let me hurt anyone's feelings, pray. Most excellent soup, Vera Makolovna, I congratulate you. But you just wait until Moscow takes things in hand. Why, only the other day, Makolokov said to a friend of mine, it's all nonsense, he said. And the shrill-voiced young man told a story. But it wasn't the same man at all. She was so confused when she saw what she'd done that I'd give you my word she was on the point of crying. I could see tears just trembling on the edge. Oh, I beg your pardon, she said, and the man was such a fool. Markovich was busy about the drinks. There was some sherry and some light red wine. Markovich was proud of having been able to secure it. He was beaming with pride. He explained to everybody how it had been done. He walked round the table and stood for an instant with his hand on Vera Makolovna's shoulder. The pies with fish and cabbage in them were handed round. He gested with the old great aunt. He shouted in her ear, now Aunt Isabella, some wine. Good for you, you know, keep you young. No, no, no, she protested, laughing and shaking her earrings, with tears in her eyes. But he filled her glass and she drank it and coughed, still protesting. Thank you, thank you, she chattered, as Bohen dived under the table and found her bag for her. I saw that he did not like the crayfish soup and was distressed because he had so large a helping. He blushed and looked at his plate, then began again to eat and stopped. Don't you like it? One of the giggling girls asked him. But it's very good, have another pie. The meal continued. There were little suckling pigs with kasha, a kind of brown buckwheat. Everyone was gayer and gayer. Now all talked at once and no one listened to anything that anyone else said. Of them all, Nina was by far the gayest. She had drunk no wine. She always said that she could not bear the nasty stuff. And although everyone tried to persuade her, telling her that now, when you could not get it anywhere, it was wicked not to drink it, she would not change her mind. It was simply youth and happiness that radiated from her and also perhaps some other excitement for which I could not account. Grogov tried to make her drink. She defied him. He came over to her chair, but she pushed him away and then lightly slapped his cheek. Everyone laughed. Then he whispered something to her. For an instant the gaiety left her eyes. You shouldn't say that, she answered almost angrily. He went back to his seat. I was sitting next to her and she was very charming to me, seeing that I had all I needed and showing that she liked me. You mustn't be gloomy and ill and miserable, she whispered to me. Oh, I've seen you. There's no need. Come to us and we'll make you as happy as we can, Vera and I. We both love you. My dear, I'm much too old and stupid for you to bother about. She put her hand on my arm. I know that I'm wicked and care only for pleasure. Vera's always saying so, but I can be better if you want me to be. This was flattering, but I knew that it was only her general happiness that made her talk like that. And at once she was after something else. Your Englishman, she said, looking across the table at Lawrence, I like his face. I should be frightened of him, though. Oh, no you wouldn't, I answered. He wouldn't hurt anyone. She continued to look at him and he, glancing up, their eyes met. She smiled and he smiled. Then he raised his glass and drank. I mustn't drink, she called across the table. It's only water and that's bad luck. Oh, you can challenge any amount of bad luck, I'm sure, he called back to her. I fancy that Grogov did not like this. He was drinking a great deal. He roughly called Nina's attention. Nina, ah, Nina. But she, although I am certain that she heard him, paid no attention. He called again more loudly. Nina, Nina. Well, she turned towards him, her eyes laughing at him. Drink my health. I can't, I have only water. Then you must drink wine. I won't, I detest it. But you must. He came over to her and poured a little red wine into her water. She turned and emptied the glass over his hand. For an instant his face was dark with rage. I'll pay you for that, I heard him whisper. She shrugged her shoulders. He's tiresome, Boris, she said. I like your Englishmen better. We were ever gayer and gayer. There were now, of course, no cakes nor biscuits. But there was jam with our tea. And there were even some chocolates. I noticed that Vera and Lawrence were getting on together famously. They talked and laughed, and her eyes were full of pleasure. Markovich came up and stood behind them, watching them. His eyes devoured his wife. Vera, he said suddenly. Yes, she cried. She had not known that he was behind her. She was startled. She turned round and he came forward and kissed her hand. She let him do this as she let him do everything, with the indulgence that one allows a child. He stood afterwards, half in the shadow, watching her. And now the moment for the event of the evening had arrived. The doors of Markovich's little workroom were suddenly opened. And there, instead of the shabby, untidy dark little hole, there was a splendid Christmas tree blazing with a hundred candles. Coloured balls and frosted silver and wooden figures of red and blue hung all about the tree. It was most beautifully done. On a table close at hand were presents. We all clapped our hands. We were childishly delighted. The old great aunt cried with pleasure. Boris Grogov suddenly looked like a happy boy of ten. Happiest and proudest of them all was Markovich. He stood there, a large pair of scissors in his hand, waiting to cut the string round the parcels. We said again and again, marvellous, wonderful, splendid. But this year, however, did you find it, Vera Mikhailovna, to take such trouble? Splendid, splendid! Then we were given our presents. Vera, it was obvious, had chosen them, for there was taste and discrimination in the choice of every one. Mine was a little old religious figure in beaten silver. Lawrence had a silver snuff box. Everyone was delighted. We clapped our hands. We shouted. Someone cried, cheers for our host and hostess. We gave them, and in no half measure. We shouted. Boris Grogov cried, more cheers. It was then that I saw Markovich's face that had been puckered with pleasure like the face of a delighted child suddenly stiffened. His hand moved forward then dropped. I turned and found, standing in the doorway, quietly watching us, Alexei Petrovich Semyonov. End of Part 1, Chapter 12 Part 1, Chapter 13 of The Secret City This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Rita Butros. The Secret City by Hugh Walpole Part 1, Chapter 13 I stared at him. I could not take my eyes away. I instantly forgot everyone else. The room, the tree, the lights. With a force, with a poignancy and pathos and brutality that were more cruel than I could have believed possible, that other world came back to me. Ah! I could see now that all these months I had been running away from this very thing, seeking to pretend that it did not exist, that it had never existed. All in vain, utterly in vain. I saw Semyonov as I had just seen him, sitting on his horse outside the shining White House at O. Then Semyonov operating in a stinking room under a red light, his arms bathed in blood. Then Semyonov and Trenchard. Then Semyonov speaking to Marie Ivanovna, her eyes searching his face. Then that day, when I woke from my dream in the orchard, to find his eyes staring at me through the bright green trees. And afterwards, when we went in to look at her dead, then, worst of all, that ride back to the stab with my hand on his thick throbbing arm. Semyonov in the forest, working, sneering, hating us, despising us, carrying his tragedy in his eyes and defying us to care. Semyonov that last time of all, vanishing into the darkness with his nothing, that lingering echo of a defiant, desperate soul that had stayed with me against my bidding ever since I had heard it. What a fool had I been to know these people! I had felt from the first to what it must lead, and I must have avoided it, and I would not. I looked at him, I faced him, I smiled. He was the same as he had been. A little stouter, perhaps, his pale hair and square-cut beard looking as though it had been carved from some pale, honey-coloured wood. The thick stolidity of his long body and short legs, the squareness of his head, the coldness of his eyes and the violent red of his lips, all were just as they had been. The same man saved that now he was in civilian clothes in a black suit with a black bow-tie. There was a smile on his lips that same smile, half sneer, half friendliness that I knew so well. His eyes were veiled. He was, I believe, as violently surprised to see me as I had been to see him, but he held himself in complete control. He said, Why, Derward, Ivana Andrejevich? Then he greeted the others. I was able now to notice the general effect of his arrival. It was as though a cold wind had suddenly burst through the windows, blown out all the candles upon the tree and plunged the place into darkness. Those who did not know him felt that, with his entrance, the gaiety was gone. Markovitch's face was pale. He was looking at Vera, who, for an instant, had stood quite silently, staring at her uncle. Then, recovering herself, moved forward. Why, Uncle Alexei, she cried, holding out her hand. You're too late for the tree. Why didn't you tell us? Then you could have come to dinner. And now it is all over. Why didn't you tell us? He took her hand and very solemnly bent down and kissed it. I didn't know myself, dear Vera Mikolovna. I only arrived in Petrograd yesterday. And then, in my house, everything was wrong, and I've been busy all day. But I felt that I must run in and give you the greetings of the season. Ah, Nicholas, how are you? And you, Ivan? I telephoned to you. Nina, my dear. And so on. He went round and shook hands with them all. He was introduced to Boen and Lawrence. He was very congenial, praising the tree, laughing, shouting in the ears of the great aunt. But no one responded. As so frequently happens in Russia, the atmosphere was suddenly changed. No one had anything to say. The candles on the tree were blown out. Of course, the evening was not nearly ended. There would be tea and games, perhaps. At any rate, everyone would sit and sit until three or four, if for no other reason, simply because it demanded too much energy to rise and make farewells. But the spirit of the party was utterly dead. The Samovar hissed at the end of the table. Vera Mikolovna sat there making tea for everyone. Semyonov, I should now, in the heart of his relations, have thought of him as Alexey Petrovich. But so long had he been Semyonov to me that Semyonov he must remain. Was next to her, and I saw that he took trouble talking to her, smiling, his stiff, strong, white fingers now and then stroking his thick beard. His red lips parting a little, then closing so firmly that it seemed they would never open again. I noticed that his eyes often wandered towards me. He was uneasy about my presence there, I thought, and that disturbed me. I felt as I looked at him the same confusion as I had always felt. I did not hate him. His strength of character, his fearlessness, these things in a country famous for neither quality I was driven to admire and to respect. And I could not hate what I admired. And yet my fear gathered and gathered in volume as I watched him. What would he do with these people? What plans had he? What purpose? What secret selfish ambitions was he out now to secure? Markovitch was silent, drinking his tea, watching his wife, watching us all with his nervous frowning expression. I rose to go, and then when I had said farewell to everyone and went towards the door, Semyonov joined me. Well, Ivan Andreevich, he said, so we have not finished with one another yet. He looked at me with his steady unswerving eyes. He smiled. I also smiled as I found my coat and hat in a little hall. Sasha helped me into my shuba. He stood, his lips a little apart, watching me. What have you been doing all this time? He asked me. I've been ill, I answered. Not bad, I hope. No, not bad, but enough to keep me very idle. As much of an optimist as ever. Was I an optimist? Why, surely, a charming one. Do you love Russia as truly as ever? I laughed my hand on the door. That's my affair, Alexei Petrovich, I answered. Certainly, he said, smiling. You're looking older, you know. You too, I said. Yes, perhaps. Would I still think you sentimental, do you suppose? It is of no importance, Alexei Petrovich, I said. I'm sure you have other better things to do. Are you remaining in Petrograd? He looked at me then very seriously. His eyes staring straight into mine. I hope so. You will work at your practice? Perhaps, he nodded to me. Strange to find you here, he said. We shall meet again. Good night. He closed the door behind me. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Rita Butros The Secret City by Hugh Wellpole Part 1, Chapter 14 Next day I fell ill. I had felt unwell for several weeks, and now I woke up to a bad feverish cold, my body won vast ache, and at the same time impersonal, away from me. Floating over above me, sinking under me, tied to me only by pain. I was too utterly apathetic to care. The old woman who looked after my rooms, telephoned to my doctor, a stout red-faced jolly man, who came and laughed at me, ordered me some medicine, said that I was in a high fever and left me. After that, I was for several days, caught into a world of dreams and nightmares No one, I think, came near me, saved my old woman, Marfa, and a new acquaintance of mine, the Rat. The Rat I had met some weeks before, outside my house, I had been returning one evening, through the dark, with a heavy bag of books, which I had fetched from an English friend of mine, who lodged in the Millionaire. I had had a cab for most of the distance, on the other side of the bridge. It could not drive amongst the rubbish pebbles and spars of my island. As I staggered along with my bag, a figure had risen, as it seemed to me, out of the ground, and asked huskily whether he could help me. I had only a few steps to go, but he seized my burden and went in front of me. I submitted. I told him my door, and he entered the dark passage, and the rickety stairs, and entered my room. Here we were both astonished. He, when I had lighted my lamp, was staggered by the splendour and luxury of my life. I, as I looked at him, by the wildness and uncouthness of his appearance. He was as a savage from the centre of Africa. Thick ragged hair and beard, a powerful body and rags, and his whole attitude to the world, evil and utterly primitive. His mouth was cruel, his eyes as almost always with the Russian peasant mild and kindly. I do not intend to take up much space here with an account of him, but he did after this first meeting in some sort attach himself to me. I never learnt his name, nor where he lived. He was, I should suppose, an absolutely abominable plunderer and pirate and ruffian. I would appear suddenly in my room, stand by the door and talk, but talk with the ignorant's naivete, brutal simplicity of an utterly abandoned baby. Nothing mystical or beautiful about the rat. He did not disguise for me in the least that there was no crime that he had not committed. Murder, rape, arson, immorality of the most hideous, sacrilege, the basest betrayal of his best friends. There was not only savage and outlaw, he was deliberate anarchist and murderer. He had no redeeming point that I could anywhere discover. I did not in the least mind his entering my room when he pleased. I had there nothing of any value. He could take my life even, had he a mind to that. The naivete abysmal depths of his depravity interested me. He formed a sort of attachment to me. He would do anything for me. He had a strange tact which prevented him from intruding upon me when I was occupied. He was as quick as any cultured, civilized cosmopolitan to see if he was not wanted. He developed a certain cleanliness. He told me with an air of disdainful superiority that he had been to the public baths. I gave him an old suit of mine and a pair of boots. He very seldom asked for anything. Once and again he would point to something and say that he would like to have it. If I said that he could not, he expressed no disappointment. Sometimes he stole it, but he always acknowledged that he had done so if I asked him, although he would lie stupendously on other occasions for no reason at all. Now you must bring that back, I would say sternly. Oh, no, Baron, why? You have so many things. Surely you will not object. Perhaps I will bring it, and perhaps not. You must certainly bring it, I would say. We will see, he would say, smiling at me in the friendliest fashion. He was the only absolutely happy Russian I have ever known. He had no passages of despair. He had been in prison. He would be in prison again. He had spasms of the most absolute ferocity. On one occasion I thought that I should be his next victim, and for a moment my fate hung, I think, in the balance. But he changed his mind. He had a real liking for me, I think. When he could get it, he drank a kind of furniture polish, the only substitute in these days for vodka. This was an absolutely killing drink, and I tried to prove to him that frequent indulgence in it meant an early disease. That did not affect him in the least. Death had no horror for him, although I foresaw with justice, as after events proved, that if he were faced with it he would be a very desperate coward. He liked very much my cigarettes, and I gave him these on condition that he did not spit sunflower seeds over my floor. He kept his word about this. He chatted incessantly, and sometimes I listened, and sometimes not. He had no politics, and was indeed comfortably ignorant of any sort of geography or party division. There were for him only the rich and the poor. He knew nothing about the war, but he hoped, he frankly told me, that there would be anarchy in Petrograd so that he might rob and plunder. I will look after you then, Baron, he answered me, so that no one shall touch you. I thanked him. He was greatly amused by my Russian accent, although he had no interest in the fact that I was English, nor did he want to hear in the least about London or any foreign town. Marfa, my old servant, was of course horrified at this acquaintance of mine, and warned me that it would mean both my death and hers. He liked to tease and frighten her, but he was never rude to her, and offered sometimes to help her with her work, and offered that she always indignantly refused. He had some children, he told me, but he did not know where they were. He tried to respect my hospitality, never bringing any friends of his with him, and only once coming when he was the worse for a drink. On that occasion he cried and endeavored to embrace me. He apologized for this the next day. They would try to take him soon, he supposed, for a soldier, but he thought that he would be able to escape. He hated the police and would murder them all if he could. He told me great tales of their cruelty, and he cursed them most bitterly. I pointed out to him that society must be protected, but he did not see why this need be so. It was, he thought, wrong that some people had so much, and others so little. But this was as far as his social investigations penetrated. He was really distressed by my illness. Marfa told me that one day when I was delirious he cried. At the same time he pointed out to her that, if I died, certain things in my rooms would be his. He liked a silver cigarette case of mine and my watch chain and a signet ring that I wore. I saw him vaguely, an uncertain shadow in the midst of the first days of my fever. I was not, I suppose, an actual fact seriously ill, and yet I abandoned myself to my fate, allowing myself to slip without the slightest attempt at resistance along the easiest way, towards death or idiocy or paralysis, towards anything that meant the indifferent passivity of inaction. I had bad confused dreams. The silence irritated me. I fancied to myself that the sea ought to make some sound, that it was holding itself deliberately quiescent in preparation for some event. I remember that Marfa and the doctor prevented me from rising to look from my window, that I might see why the sea was not roaring. Someone said to me in my dreams something about ice, and again and again I repeated the word to myself as though it were intensely significant. Ice! Ice! Ice! Yes, that was what I wanted to know. My idea from this was that the floor upon which I rested was exceedingly thin, made only of paper in fact, and that at any moment it might give way and precipitate me upon the ice. This terrified me. And the way that the cold blew up through the cracks in the floor was disturbing enough. I knew that my doctor thought me mad to remain in such a place, but above all I was overwhelmed by the figure of Semyonov. He haunted me in all my dreams. His presence never left me for a single instant. I could not be sure whether he were in the room or no, but certainly he was close to me, watching me, sneering at me as he had so often done before. I was conscious also of Petrograd, of the town itself, in every one of its amazingly various manifestations. I saw it all laid out as though I were a great height above it, the fashionable streets, the Nevsky, and the Morskayia with the carriages and the motorcars and trams, the kiosks and the bazaars, the women with their baskets of apples, the boys with their newspapers, the smart cinematographs, the shop in the Morskayia with the colored stones in the window, the occulist and the pastry cooks, and the hairdressers and the large English shop at the corner of the Nevsky, and Pivotos the restaurant, and close beside it the art shop with popular postcards and books on Serov and Vrubel, and the Astoria Hotel with its shining windows staring onto St. Isaac's Square. And I saw the Nevsky, that straight and proud street, filled with every kind of vehicle and black masses of people rolling like thick clouds up and down, here and there, the hum of their talk rising like mist from the snow. And there was the Kazan Cathedral, haughty and proud, and the bookshop with the French books and complete sets of Chekhov and Marajowsky in the window, and the bridges and the palaces and the square before the Alexander Theatre, and Elyseev's the provisioned shop and all the banks and the shops with gloves and shirts, all looking ill-fitting as though they were never meant to be worn, and then the little dirty shops poked in between the grand ones, the shop with rubber goods and the shop with an aquarium, goldfish and snails and a tortoise, and the shop with oranges and bananas. Then, too, there was the arcade with the theatre where they acted romance and potash and pearl-mutter, almost as they do in London, and on the other side of the street, at the corner of the Sadovia, the bazaar with all its shops and its trembling mist of people. I watched the Nevsky and saw how it slipped into the Neva with the red square on one side of it and Saint Isaac's square on the other and the great station at the far end of it and about these two lines, the Neva and the Nevsky, the whole town sprawled and crept, ebbed and flowed. Away from the splendor it stretched, dirty and decrepit and untended, here piles of evil flats, there old wooden buildings with cobbled quartz and the canals twisting and creeping up and down through it all. It was all bathed as I looked down upon it in colored mist. The air was purple and gold and light blue, fading into the snow and ice and transforming it. Everywhere there was the mast of ships and the smell of the sea and rough deserted places and shadows moved behind the shadows and yet more shadows behind them so that it was all uncertain and unstable and only the river knew what it was about. Over the whole town, Semyonov and I moved together and the ice and snow silenced our steps and no one in the whole place spoke a word so that we had to lower our voices and whispered. End of Part 1 Chapter 14 Part 1 Chapter 15 of The Secret City This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Rita Butros. The Secret City by Hugh Walpole Part 1 Chapter 15 Suddenly I was better. I quite recovered from my fever and only lay still on my bed, weak and very hungry. I was happy, happy as I had not been since I came to Petrograd. I felt all the luxury of convalescence creeping into my bones. All that I need to do was to lie there and let people feed me and read a little if it did not make my head ache. I had a watercolor painted by Alexander Benoit on the wall opposite me, a night in the Caucasus with a heavy sweep of black hill, a deep blue, steady sky, and a thin gray road running into endless distance. A pleasing picture with no finality in its appeal, intimate too so that it was one's own road and one's own hill. I had bought it extravagantly at last year's Mier Eskutzva and now I was pleased at my extravagance. Marfa was very good to me, feeding me and being cross with me to make me take an interest in things and acting with wonderful judgment about my visitors. Numbers of people, English and Russian, came to see me. I had not known that I had so many friends. I felt amiable to all the world and hopeful about it too. I looked back on the period before my illness as a bad dream. People told me I was foolish to live out in this wretched place of mine where it was cold and wild and lonely, and then when they came again they were not so sure and they looked out on the ice that shone in waves and shadows of light under the sun and thought that perhaps they too would try. But of course I knew well that they would not. As I grew stronger and more intense and burning interest in the history that had been developing when I fell ill I heard that Vera Mikhailovna and Nina had called many times. Markovich had been and Henry Bohen and Lawrence. Then, one sunny afternoon, Henry Bohen came in and I was surprised at my pleasure at the sight of him. He was shocked at the change in me and was too young to conceal it. Oh, you do look bad! Were his first words as he sat down by my bed? I say, are you comfortable here? Wouldn't you rather be somewhere with conveniences, telephone and lifts and things? Not at all, I answered. I've got a telephone. I'm very happy where I am. It is a queer place, he said. Isn't it awfully unhealthy? Quite the reverse with the sea in front of it about the healthiest spot in Petrograd. But I should get the blues here so lonely and quiet. Petrograd is a strange town. Most people don't dream there's a queer place like this. That's why I like it, I said. I expect there are lots of queer places in Petrograd if you only knew. He wandered about the room looking at my few pictures and my books and my writing table. At last he sat down again by my bed. Now, tell me all the news, I said. News, he asked. He looked uncomfortable and saw at once that he had come to confide something in me. What sort of news, political? Anything. Well, politics are about the same. They say there's going to be an awful row in February when the Duma meets. But then other people say there won't be a row at all until the war is over. What else do they say? They say Protopopov is up to all sorts of tricks. And they summon Resputin's ghost. That's all wrought, of course. But he does just what the Empress tells him. And they're going to enslave the whole country and hand it over to Germany. What will they do that for, I asked? Why then, the Sarovitch will have it under Germany. They say that none of the munitions are going to the front and Protopopov's keeping them all to blow up the people here with. What else, I asked sarcastically. No, but really, there's something in it, I expect. Henry looked serious and important. Then, on the other hand, Clutton Davies says the Tsar is absolutely all right. Dead keen on the war and hates Germany. I don't know. But Clutton Davies sees him nearly every day. Anything else, I asked? Oh, food's worse than ever. Going up every day. And the bread cues are longer and longer. The Germans have spied in the cues. Women who go up and down telling people it's all England's fault. And people are just the same? Just the same. Donands and the bear are crowded every day. You can't get a table. So are the cinematographs and the theatres. I went to the ballet last night. What was it? La Fille Malgarde. Carsevena dancing divinely. Everyone was there. This closed the strain of public information. I led him further. Well, Bohen, what about our friends the Markovitches, I asked? How are you getting on there? He blushed and looked at his boots. All right, he said, they're very decent. Then he burst out with, I say, Derward, what do you think of this uncle that's turned up? The Dr. Chapp. Nothing particular, why? I'm at the front, weren't you? I was. Was he a good doctor? Excellent. He had a love affair at the front, hadn't he? Yes. And she was killed? Yes. Poor devil. Then he added, did he mind very much? Very much. Funny thing, you wouldn't think he would. Why not, I asked. Oh, he looks a hard sort of fellow who wouldn't like to have a row with him. Has he been to the Markovitches much lately? Yes, almost every evening. What does he do there? Oh, just sits and talks. Markovitch can't bear him. You can see that easily enough. He teases him. How do you mean, I asked? Oh, he laughs at him all the time at his inventions and that kind of thing. Markovitch gets awfully wild. He is bit of an ass, isn't he? Do you like Semyonov? I asked. I do rather, said Henry. He's very decent to me. I had a walk with him one afternoon. He said you were awfully brave at the front. Thank him for nothing, I said. And he said you didn't like him, don't you? Ah, that's too old a story, I answered. We know what we feel about one another. Well, Lawrence simply hates him, continued Bowen. He says he's the most thundering cad and as bad as you make them. I don't see how he can tell. This interested me extremely. When did he tell you this, I asked? Yesterday. I asked him what he had to judge by and he said instinct. I said he'd no right to go only by that. Has Lawrence been much to the Markovitches? Yes, once or twice. He just sits there and never opens his mouth. Very wise of him who doesn't got anything to say. No, but really. Do you think so? It doesn't make him popular. Why, who doesn't like him? Nobody, answered Henry ungrammatically. None of the English anyway. They can't stand him at the embassy or the mission. They say he's fearfully stuck up and thinks about nothing but himself. I don't agree, of course. All the same, he might make himself more agreeable to people. But nonsense, I answered hotly. Lawrence is one of the best fellows that ever breathed. The Markovitches don't dislike him, do they? No, he's quite different with them. Vera Mikolovna likes him, I know. It was the first time that he had mentioned her name to me. He turned towards me now, his face crimson. I say, that's really what I came to talk about, Derward. I care for her madly. I would really. I love her, Derward. I see now I've never loved anybody before. Well, what will you do about it? Do about it? Why, nothing, of course. It's all perfectly hopeless. In the first place, there's Markovitch. Yes, there's Markovitch, I agreed. She doesn't care for him. Does she? You know that. He waited, eagerly staring into my face. I had a temptation to laugh. He was so very young, so very helpless, and yet that sense of his youth had paid those in it too, and I suddenly liked young Bohen for the first time. Look here, Bohen, I said, trying to speak with a proper solemnity. Don't be a young ass. You know that it's hopeless. Any feeling of that kind. She does care for her husband. She could never care for you in that way, and you'd only make trouble if you went on with it. On the other hand, she needs a friend badly. You can do that for her. Be her pal. See that things are all right in the house. Make a friend of Markovitch himself. Look after him. Look after Markovitch? Bohen exclaimed. Yes, I don't want to be melodramatic, but there's trouble coming there. And if you're the friend of them all, you can help, more than you know. Only none of the other business. Bohen flushed. She doesn't know. She never will. I only want to be a friend of hers, as you put it. Anything else is hopeless, of course. I'm not the kind of fellow she'd ever look at, even if Markovitch wasn't there. But if I can do anything, I'd be awfully glad. What kind of trouble do you mean? He asked. Probably nothing, I said. Only she wants a friend, and Markovitch wants one too. There was a pause, then Bohen said. I say, Doward, what an awful ass I was. What about, I asked. About my poetry and all that, thinking it's so important. Yes, I said you were. I've written some poetry to her, and I tore it up, he ended. That's a good thing, said I. I'm glad I told you, he said. He got up to go. I say, Doward. Well, I asked. You're an awfully funny chap. Not a bit what you look. That's all right, I said. I know what you mean. Well, good night, he said, and went. The Secret City by Hugh Wellpole Part 1 Chapter 16 I thought that night, as I lay cosily in my dusky room of those old stories by Wilkie Collins that had once upon a time so deeply engrossed my interest, stories in which, because someone had disappeared on a snowy night, or painted his face blue, or locked up a room and lost the key, broken down in his carriage on a windy night at the crossroads, dozens of people are involved, diaries are written, confessions are made, and all the characters move along different roads towards the same lighted, comfortable inn. That is the kind of story that intrigues me, whether it be written about outside mysteries by Wilkie Collins or inside mysteries by the great creator of the Golden Bowl or mysteries of both kinds, such as Henry Galleon has given us. I remember a friend of mine, James Meredith, once saying to me, it's no use trying to keep out of things. As soon as they want to put you in, you're in. The moment you're born, you're done for. It's just that spectacle of some poor innocent being suddenly caught into some affair against his will, without his knowledge, but to the most serious alteration of his character and fortunes, that one watches with a delight almost malicious, whether it be the woman in white, the wings of the dove or the roads that offered us. Well, I had now to face the fact that something of this kind had happened to myself. I was drawn in and I was glad. I luxuriated in my gladness, lying there in my room, under the wavering uncertain light of two candles, hearing the church bells clanging and echoing mysteriously behind the wall. I lay there with a consciousness of being on the very verge of some adventure, with the assurance, too, that I was to be of use once more, to play my part, to fling aside, thank God, that old cloak of apathetic disappointment, of selfish betrayal, of cynical disbelief. Semyonov had brought the old life back to me and I had shrunk from the impact of it. But he had brought back to me, too, the presences of my absent friends who, during these weary months, had been lost to me. It seemed to me that, in the flickering twilight, John and Marie were bringing forward to me Vera and Nina and Jerry, and asking me to look after them. I would do my best. And while I was thinking of these things, Vera Mikolovna came in. She was suddenly in the room, standing there, her furs up to her throat, her body in shadow, but her large grave eyes shining through the candlelight, her mouth smiling. Is it all right, she said, coming forward? I'm not in the way, you're not sleeping. I told her that I was delighted to see her. I've been almost every day, but Marfa told me you are not well enough. She does guard you like a dragon. But tonight Nina and I are going to Rozenov's to a party, and she said she'd meet me here. Shant I worry you? Worry me, you're the most restful friend I have. I felt so glad to see her that I was surprised at my own happiness. She sat down near to me, very quietly, moving as she always did, softly and surely. I could see that she was distressed because I looked ill, but she asked me no tiresome questions, said nothing about my madness and living as I did, always so irritating as though I were a stupid child, praised the room, admired the Benoit picture, and then talked in her soft kindly voice. We've missed you so much, Nina and I, she said. I told Nina that if she came tonight she wasn't to make a noise and disturb you. She can make as much noise as she likes, I said. I like the right kind of noise. We talked a little about politics and England and anything that came into our minds. We both felt, I know, a delightful easy intimacy and friendliness and trust. I had never with any other woman felt such a sense of friendship, something almost masculine in its comradeship and honesty. And tonight this bond between us strengthened wonderfully. I blessed my luck. I saw that there were dark lines and that she was pale. You're tired, I said. Yes, I am, she acknowledged and I don't know why. At least I do know. I'm going to use you selfishly dirtles. I'm going to tell you all my troubles and ask your help in every possible way. I'm going to let you off nothing. I took her hand. I'm proud, I said, now and always. Do you know that I've never asked anyone's help before? I was rather conceited that I could get on always without it. When I was very small I wouldn't take a word of advice from anyone. And mother and father when I was tiny used to consult me about everything. Then they were killed and I had to go on alone. And after that, when I married Nicholas, it was I again who decided everything. And my mistakes taught me nothing. I didn't want them to teach me. She spoke that last word fiercely. And through the note that came into her voice I saw suddenly the potentialities that were in her. The other creature that she might be if she were ever awakened. She talked then for a long time. She didn't move at all. Her head rested on her hand and her eyes watched me. As I listened, I thought of my other friend, Marie who now was dead and how restless she was when she spoke, moving about the room stopping to demand my approval protesting against my criticism, laughing, crying out. Vera was so still, so wise too in comparison with Marie, braver too, and yet the same heart, the same charity, the same nobility. But she was my friend and Marie I had loved the difference in that. And how much easier now to help than it had been then, simply because one's own soul was one's own and one stood by oneself. How happy a thing freedom is and how lonely. She told me many things that I need not repeat here. But as she talked I saw how, far more deeply than I had imagined, Nina had been the heart of the whole of her life. She had watched over her, protected her, advised her, warned her and loved her passionately, jealously, almost madly all the time. When I married Nicholas she said, I thought of Nina more than anyone else, that was wrong. I ought to have thought most of Nicholas, but I knew that I could give her a home, that she could have everything she wanted and still she would be with me. Nicholas was only too ready for that. I thought I would care for her until someone came who was worthy of her and who would look after her far better than I ever could. But the first person who had come was Boris Grogov. He loved Nina from the first moment in his own careless conceited, opinionated way. Why did you let him come so often to the house if you didn't approve of him, I asked. How could I prevent it, she asked me. We Russians are not like the English. In England I know you just shut the door and say, not at home. Here if anyone wanted to come he comes. Very often we hate him for coming, but still there it is. It is too much trouble to turn him out. Besides it wouldn't be kind and anyway they wouldn't go. You can be as rude as you like here and nobody cares. For a long while Nina paid no attention to Boris. She doesn't like him. She will never like him I'm sure. But now, these last weeks I've begun to be afraid. In some way he has power over her. Not much power but a little. And she is so young. So ignorant. She knows nothing. Until lately she always told me everything. Now she tells me nothing. She's strange with me. Angry for nothing. Then sorry and sweet again. Then suddenly angry. She's excited and wild. Going out all the time. But unhappy too. I know she's unhappy. I can feel it as though it were gone. You're imagining things I said. Now when the wars reach this period we're all nervous and over strung. The atmosphere of this town is enough to make anyone fancy that they see anything. Nina's all right. I'm losing her. I'm losing her. Vera cried. Suddenly stretching out her hand as though in a gesture of appeal she must stay with me. I don't know what's happening but I'm so lonely without her. There was silence between us for a little. And then she went on. Dirtals I did wrong to marry Nicholas. Wrong to Nina. Wrong to Nicholas. Wrong to myself. I thought it was right. I didn't love Nicholas. I never loved him. And I never pretended to. He knew that I did not. But I thought then that I was above love. That knowledge was what I needed. And he had ideas saving the world. And he had such ideas wonderful. There was I thought nothing that he would not be able to do if only he were helped enough. He wanted help in every way. He was such a child. So unhappy. So lonely. I thought that I could give him everything that he needed. Don't fancy that I thought that I sacrificed myself. And still now when I see that he is not strong enough for his ideas. I care for him as I did then. And I would never let any trouble touch him if I could help it. But if she paused turned away from me looking towards the window. If after all I was wrong. If after all I was meant to love. If love were to come now real love now she broke off suddenly stood up and very low almost whispering said I have fancied lately that it might come. And then what should I do or what should I do with Nicholas and Nina and all the trouble there is now in the world and Russia I'm afraid of myself and ashamed I could not speak I was utterly astonished could it be Bohen of whom she was speaking. No I saw it once that the idea was ridiculous but if not I took her hand Vera I said believe me I'm much older than you and I know loves always selfish always cruel to others always means trouble sorrow and disappointment. But it's worth it even when it brings complete disaster life isn't life without it I felt her hand tremble in mine I don't know she said I know nothing of it except my love for Nina it isn't that now there's anybody don't think that there is no one no one only myself confidence is gone I can't see clearly anymore my duty is to Nina and Nicholas and if they are happy nothing else matters nothing and I'm afraid that I'm going to do them harm she paused as though she were listening there's no one there is there she asked me there by the door no no one there are so many noises in this house don't they disturb you I don't think of them now I'm used to them and in fact I like them she went on it's Uncle Alexi of course he comes to see us nearly every day he's very pleasant more pleasant than he has ever been before but he has a dreadful effect on Nicholas I know the effect he can have I said I know that Nicholas has been feeling for a long time that his inventions are no use he will never own it to me or to anyone but I can tell I know it so well the war came and his new feeling about Russia carried him along he put everything into that now that has failed him and he despises himself for having expected it to do otherwise he's raging about trying to find something that he can believe in and Uncle Alexi knows that and plays on that he teases him he drives him wild and then makes him happy again he can do anything with him he pleases he always could but now he has some plan I used to think that he simply laughed at people because it amused him to see how weak they can be but now there's more than that he's been hurt himself at last and that has hurt his pride and he wants to hurt back it's all in the dark the war is in the dark everything then she smiled and put her hand on my arm that's why I've come to you because I trust you and believe you and know you say what you mean once before Marie had said those same words to me it was as though I heard her voice again I won't fail you I said there was a knock on the door it was flung open as though by the wind and Nina was with us her face was rosy with the cold her eyes laughed under her little round fur cap she came running across the room pulled herself up with a little cry beside the bed and then flung herself upon me throwing her arms around my neck and kissing me my dear Nina cried Vera she looked up laughing why not poor Dirtles are you better? Biedny your hands but how cold they are and there are drafts everywhere I've brought you some chocolates and a book my dear Vera cried again he won't like that pointing to a work of fiction by a modern Russian literary lady whose heart and brain are of the succulent variety why not she's very good it's lovely all about impossible people Dirtles dear I'll give up the party we won't go we'll sit here and entertain you I'll send Boris away we'll tell him we don't want him Boris cried Vera yes Nina laughed a little uneasily I thought I know you said he wasn't to come he'll quarrel with Rosenhoff of course but he said he would and so how was one to prevent him you're always so tiresome Vera I'm not a baby now nor is Boris he wants to come he shall come Vera stood away from us both I could see that she was very angry I had never seen her angry before you know that it's impossible Nina she said you know that Rosenhoff hate him and besides there are other reasons you know them perfectly well Nina Nina stood there pouting tears were in her eyes you're unfair she said you don't let me do anything I don't care for Boris but if he wants to go he shall go I'm grown up now you have your Lawrence let me have my Boris my Lawrence asked Vera yes you know that you're always wanting him to come always looking for him I like him too I like him very much but you never let me talk to him you never quiet Nina Vera's voice was trembling her face was sterner than I'd ever seen it you're making me angry I don't care how angry I make you it's true you're impossible now why shouldn't I have my friends I have nobody now you never let me have anybody and I like Mr. Lawrence she began to sob looking the most desolate figure Vera turned you don't know what you've said Nina nor how you've hurt you can go to your party as you please and before I could stop her she was gone Nina turned to me a breathless tearful face she waited we heard the door below closed oh turtles what have I done go after her stop her I said Nina vanished and I was alone my room was intensely quiet end of part one chapter 16 chapter 17 of The Secret City this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Rita Boutros The Secret City by Hugh Wellpole Chapter 17 they didn't come to see me again together Vera came twice kind and good as always but with no more confidences and Nina once with flowers and fruit and a wild chattering tongue about the cinemas and Smirnov who is delighting the world at the Narodny Dom and the wonderful performance of Lermontov's masquerade that was shortly to take place at the Alexander Theater are you and Vera friends again I asked her oh yes why not and she went on snapping a chocolate almond between her teeth the one at the Piccadilly is the best it's an Italian one and there's a giant in it who throws people all over the place out of windows and everywhere oh how lovely I wish I could go every night you ought to be helping with the war I said severely oh I hate the war she answered we're all terribly tired of it Tanya is given up going to the English hospital now she seems to be as gay as she can be and Zineda Fyodorovna had just come back from her a triad on the Galician front and she says it's shocking there now no food or dancing or anything why doesn't everyone make peace do you want the Germans to rule Russia I asked why not she said laughing we can't do it ourselves we don't care who does it the English can do it if they like the Germans aren't lazy to bother the Germans aren't lazy and if they were here we'd have lots of theaters and cinematographs don't you love your country I asked this isn't our country she answered it just belongs to the empress and proto pop off supposing it became your country and the emperor went oh then it would belong to a million different people and in the end how they'd fight she burst out laughing Boris and Nicholas and Uncle Alexi and all the others then she was suddenly serious I know dirtles you consider that I'm so young and frivolous that I don't think of anything serious but I can't see things like anyone else can't you see that we're all so disappointed with ourselves that nothing matters we thought the war was going to be so fine but now it's just like the Japanese one all robbery and lies and we can't do anything to stop it perhaps someday someone will I said oh yes she answered scornfully men like Boris after that she refused to be grave for a moment danced about the room singing and finally vanished a whirlwind of blue silk a week later I was out in the world again that curious lots of excitement that had first come to me during the early days of my illness burnt now more fiercely than ever I cannot say what it was exactly that I thought was going to happen I have often looked back as many other people must have done to those days in February and wondered whether I foresaw anything of what was to come and what were the things that might have seemed to me significant if I had noticed them and here I am deliberately speaking of both public and private affairs I cannot quite frankly disever the two at the front a year and a half before I had discovered how intermingled the souls of individuals and the souls of countries were and how permanent private history seemed to me and how transient public events but whether that was true or no before it was now most certain that it was the story of certain individuals that I was to record the history that was being made behind them could at best be only a background I seemed to step into a city ablaze with a sinister glory if that appears melodramatic I can only say that the dazzling winter weather of those weeks was melodramatic never before had I seen the huge buildings tower so high never before felt the shadows so vast the squares and streets so limitless in their capacity for swallowing light and color the sky was a bitter changeless blue the buildings black the snow and ice glittering with purple and gold swept by vast swinging shadows as though huge doors opened and shut in heaven or monstrous birds hovered their wings spread motionless in the limitless space and all this had as ever nothing to do with human life the little courtyards with their wood stacks and their colored houses carts and the cobbled squares and the little stumpy trees that bordered the canals and the little wooden huts beside the bridges with their candles and fruit these were human and friendly and good but they had their precarious condition but they had no trust of us on the first afternoon of my new liberty I found myself in the Nevsky Prospect bewildered by the crowds and the talk and trams and motors and carts that passed an unending sequence up and down the long street standing at the corner of the Sadovia and the Nevsky one was carried straight to the point of the golden spire that guarded the farther end all was gold the surface of the road was like a golden stream the canal was gold the thin spire caught into its piercing line all the color of the swiftly fading afternoon the wheels of the carriages gleamed the flower baskets of the women glittered like shining foam the snow flung its crystal color into the air like thin fire dim the sun the street seemed to have gathered onto its pavements the citizens of every country under the sun Tartars, Mongols little Russians Chinaman, Japanese French officers, British officers peasants and fashionable women schoolboys, officials actors and artists and businessmen and priests guarding them all friendly urbane filled with a pleasant self-importance that seemed at that hour the simplest and easiest of attitudes the police rum, rum, rum, whir whir, whir, whir like the regular beat of a shuttle the hum rose and fell as the sun faded into rosy mist and white vapors stole above the still canals I turned to go home I felt someone touch my elbow I swung round and there his broad face ready with the cold was Jerry Lawrence I was delighted to see him and told him so well I'm damn glad he said gruffly I thought you might have a grudge against me a grudge I said why haven't been to see you heard you were ill but didn't think you'd want me hanging round why this modesty I asked no well you know what I mean he shuffled his feet no good in a sick room mine wasn't exactly a sick room I said but I heard that you did come yes I came twice he answered looking at me shyly your old woman wouldn't let me see you never mind that I said let's have an evening together soon yes as soon as you like he looked up and down the street there are some things I'd like to ask your advice about certainly I said what do you say to coming and dining at my place ever met Wilderling Wilderling I could not remember for the moment the name yes the old Josser I live with fine old man got a point of view of his own delighted I said tomorrow eight o'clock don't dress he was just going off when he turned again awfully glad you're better he said he cleared his throat looked at me in a very friendly way then smiled awfully glad you're better he repeated then went off rolling his broad figure into the evening mist I turned towards home end of chapter 17