 Welcome everyone! This is it, right? We've been waiting a long time for tonight. A long 71. We've been waiting for tonight. This is FICON, and we're gonna kill it! You know, my own view on this is like, well pretty much, this has been an amazing conference. Thank you so much for coming. You know, I mean, it's been that good tonight seeing old friends and meeting our free ambassadors and I don't know, doesn't it feel in some way like we're a family, we're a community, you know, right? Doesn't it? I don't know if it's just me, but I don't know. I can't remember. I've been involved in Liberty stuff for a few years, and I've never felt better about what's happening among ourselves and in the Liberty community and in the world. And look, I'm telling you, the people who are here, I mean, this is it! This is it! You know? The minds, the people, the spirits, the creators, the innovators, the enthusiasts, the hangers on. No, everybody's here. We've got it going. And I don't know, to me there's a little bit of a poetry to the very existence of FICON, you know? Because you have to look back at history. You have to think about the world that we came from and what made the world in which we live possible. And by the way, do you understand where you are? I mean, do you understand this is hot lanter? Right? I mean, we're in what the Daily Beast, all right, fake news, but what the Daily Beast called the cultural capital of the United States. This is what's happening in this city. This city is such a tribute to the human spirit. I mean, you know, what was it like 150 years ago or something like that? A general burned down the city, his name was Sherman. This really, this happened, no it happened to us, right? They burned us down. And then a lot of other terrible things happened. I won't bore you with the story, but that has been through hell and back. I can just tell you this, right? But look, you're looking around. You flew in or you drove in. You saw what's happened in the city. Did you see this? This beautiful skylines and three downtown, midtown, Buckhead. It's absolutely glorious. What a tribute to human achievement and to the persistence of creativity and to the drive of the human spirit to create and serve each other. That's what's going on in Atlanta. And I tell you what, you can't even be here for a few days without absolutely adoring the way in which Atlanta is a tribute to the capacity of all people to get along and to get along. And beautifully, right? I read every day online. It's like, oh, the poor should hate the rich. You know, black should hate the whites. And whites would hate the blacks. And I read all those nonsense, right, on the internet. But Twitter. But you live in Atlanta, you don't believe a word of it. Because every single day, the activity, the energy, the creativity and the life of this city is just such a beautiful living example of the capacity of society to organize itself. And you know, the great thing about the Atlanta, look, I never want to say anything good about government ever. But the Atlanta City government is so negligent and so irrelevant that it makes life awesome. Right? It's, you know, nobody's going to bug you. And for that reason, we all love each other and we've built a beautiful civilization. So welcome to Hot Lanta, the new center of civilization. And more importantly, welcome to, listen, I have to say it. And I do well up with a little bit of emotion about this. We have waited 71 years for, for tonight, for this weekend. So many people who have gone before work so hard. They're whole lives dedicated to the cause that Phi represents, that you believe in. We, all of us here tonight, we are here because of their work and their vision. And who do I mean by they? All right? What? Oh, well, yeah, he's a cool guy, right? Look, I mean, I don't want to tell you sad news, but I'm telling you, in 1946, a lot of things sucked in the world. All right, we, we, we, we dealt with a Hitler problem, all right? That was kind of awesome. That was great. But other than that, there was censorship and price controls. Everybody was down in the dumps. There was rationing for groceries. Rationing for groceries. In 1946, everything was terrible. Everybody believed that liberalism, the belief in free society was dead. It was gone. And a handful of people. I mean, by handful, I mean like, not like a mob like we have tonight, but just like four or five people thought there could be a better way. We can inspire an intellectual revolution to recreate the world. The future is not given unto us. It is not dictated to us by the Marxists and the Keynesians and the deep state and the new school of social sciences and all this nonsense that they were preaching back in those days. We, if we believe the right things, can make a new world of freedom. And why? Why do we do it? For ourselves? For our families? For the country? But for the whole of the human race, for the human spirit, it must always and old times be set free from any controls from the center. This is the belief. Okay, you could say, well, that's a, that's a silly idea. No, it's a great idea. It's the thing that built civilization. It's a brilliant idea. And a handful of people rallied around it. Leonard Reid. And, right? Leonard Reid. God bless him. You know, he was an interesting guy because, I don't know if you know this about him, because he's from Michigan. You know this place? There's a place called Michigan. And, yeah, it's kind of boring. But he started a grocery business there. And you know what's amazing about his grocery business? It flopped. It didn't work. And he was so impressed by that. He was like, okay, we have a system in the world called Free Enterprise, in which that tells me I'm doing the wrong thing. And he thought, you know, the whole world needs this idea. You know, some system that tells us to do something better. A system that incentivizes us to find the best of who we are. He learned so much from his failure. He went to the Chamber of Commerce in Los Angeles. And he began to kind of preach Free Enterprise. And nobody cared about it, actually. And he was kind of driven out of Los Angeles. He hooked up with a few, you know, very impressive entrepreneurs. BF Goodrich, you know, the Goodrich Tire Fortune and so on. And they decided to start a think tank. You know, back in those days, nobody had ever heard of a think tank. What is that? Well, it's the center of ideas. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? We're going to publish things. Well, why are you going to publish them? Well, because we believe in the power of ideas. If we can convince people to believe in freedom, then we will get freedom. And a lot of people were incredulous, but not Leonard. He pushed forward with a handful of people. He brought in Ludovameses and Henry Hazwick and Lawrence Fertig. And I don't need to go into the history. What I'm just telling you is this. They dealt with a hopeless, you know, a hopeless situation. And they decided that they were going to take on the thing we call the future and make it theirs. They were going to adjust history. They were going to change it. And how? Not through force, not through power, not even through channels of influence, right? But just, and get this, just by saying true things. That was the whole theory. It's crazy, right? It's nuts. Say what's true and then history will change. And they did. They did. God bless them. 1946. Okay. Look, none of you were born, right? I mean, whatever. It's long gone. But I'm telling you, I'm telling you, this is the capital. This is the investment that was made to make tonight possible. And I, every day, I have to say this. I am so, I feel so, you know, I say honored or blessed to be working for this organization. 71 years later, this institution dedicated to a very simple proposition that people should be free. Society can organize itself, that beautiful things happen when people are permitted to exercise their creativity. So, I don't know. I mean, I think it's awesome that you're sitting in this chair tonight, that you've gone out of your way to come to this event at this moment in history. Because, you know, my friends, you look around the world today. Isn't it interesting? Isn't it fascinating? They've tried everything else, right? The welfare state, the regulatory state, let's have centralized control of medicine. Let's try socialism and fascism and, you know, every kind of system. It's all failed. And yet, the human spirit has pushed through, broken down, smashed the bureaucracies. And, you know, individual human beings have created, in our time, for you and me and for billions of other people, a template that shows the way to the future. And it's all about freedom. It's about freedom. I mean, because of the world we're living in, every kind of pompous intellectual and powerful bureaucrat and status dictator and all the rest of it, today, tonight, they are trembling in fear for what's happening to the world. We're getting the freedom that Leonard only imagined abstractly in his mind. It is here, tonight, and it is growing around the world. And as I stand here tonight, I can tell you this. I can tell you the story of the rest of your life, which is you are an activist, an observer, and a doer in the cause of freedom. You will build and build and build something beautiful for yourself and for every generation that follows. We're done with socialism and with fascism and with statism and central planning and all the nonsense that has destroyed so many people and so many lives. We're done. The rest of your life will be spent dismantling the apparatus of power, deconstructing the bureaucracies, reinventing the structures of institutions and laws. That's our job. We have to. Look what Leonard did for us. Look what he did. He never even saw the results of his efforts. We, on the other hand, have all the tools and we see all the evidence around us. And it's a beautiful thing to be alive. Thank God for it or whomever made this possible. Okay? Welcome to FICON. I see this as the great organizing center of this new world that's being born around the world, here and around the world and you as a central player in this. Thank you for coming. So the cool thing about this conference, I'm so excited about it. You've looked at the app, right? You've been getting notifications constantly. It's fun, right? You know you're doing the thing, right, once you sign up for the app. Nothing else matters. I'm getting texts constantly like, why the hell did I come to this conference? I'm like, yeah, well, you suck. That's why. So we've got a lot of activities, so many activities, so many things that I think are going to enrich your life. This is not just about one or two speeches, although we have some amazing speakers here tonight. I mean, for this conference, we've got Jimmy Wales. I mean, what can you say? Some incredible thinkers and doers here for you to meet. Never underestimate the value of each other though. I hope that throughout this conference you will take time to meet each other and greet each other and extract ideas from each other, right? This is the real value. I hope you live well at Atlanta, the love of my life, and Fikon, the love of my profession. So tonight, I want to start the conference by introducing to you our first speaker. Yeah, he's over there vibing and going, what the hell is this long speech we're giving? So I've enjoyed him so much through the years. Lou Perez is a creator of great media, a great media, right? If you've watched his videos, you know you understand. It's my pleasure. Welcome, Lou Perez. Every Tucker, everybody. Holy shit, you call me up right when I'm crying? That's what you do? My God, he just set the bar so high. He's basically saying, all right, you guys are going to go out there and change the world. But first, you've got to listen to this dude's dick jokes. Can we do it? Can I give you a dick joke? Can you go and change the world? Fantastic. This dude definitely has his own dick jokes that he's ready to whip out at any point. It's been a lot of alcohol here tonight. Remember, consent, consent, consent. Non-aggression principle, everybody. There you go. Ask and you shall receive. Thank you, my brother. Fantastic. Great. Amazing. I need to test the crowd. I need to test the crowd a little bit. How do you guys feel about the Paris Accord not going through? How do you feel about that? Whoo! Ho! Anybody a little pissed off that it didn't go through? You're pissed off that it didn't go through? This girl's pissed off. I got to say one thing. I got to say one thing because I know it's a contentious subject. I know it's a contentious subject, but I got to say one thing. One thing. Whether you agree with the Paris Accord or you disagree with the Paris Accord, the one thing we can all agree on is that none of you read it. Am I right? I feel so passionate about the shit I haven't read. That's how I go out in the world. That's how I take the world on all the time. It is scary though. It is scary though. Guys, it's the year 2017, so I'm told. And there are people today in this year, 2017, who believe that the earth is flat. That is scary. That's some scary shit. There's some scary shit. But what's even scarier is that I don't know enough science to prove them wrong. I don't even know how to edit for YouTube, man. Like, these guys are putting together documentaries, documentaries, extra, extra quotes around there. It's nuts. It's crazy. We're in a very weird situation. I've been hearing this a lot that the world doesn't love our president. Like, I heard that. I don't know if you guys are aware of that, but the entire world apparently hates Donald Trump. Like, that's it. And you know what? I really think I chalk it up to a lack of charisma. Because, like, whether you guys like President Obama or not, you cannot fight the fact that that man had charisma, right? That man had so much charisma that he could spend eight years droning countries. And the surviving family members are like, please, kill me! Like, that's so much charisma. I know. I know. That's how much charisma. You have to cover your mouth to be like, holy shit, that's a lot of charisma. There is not one person in Yemen who wants Donald Trump to bomb their wedding. Like... But Barack Obama... Shit, it's almost like he was a guest. The worst wedding guest ever just came through. But it's a little nuts though with, you know, like presidential power. Because one thing that a lot of people don't realize is that all the powers you gave to the old president, the new guy gets. And I know when Trump came in office, a lot of people were like, oh, shit. Aw, that's not good. What just happened? Because a lot of people forget that Barack Obama had a kill list. You guys remember the kill list, right? Right? Now that means that Donald Trump has a kill list. I'm going to go out on a limb and I'm just going to say it. I think Barack Obama's kill list is probably cooler than Donald Trump's kill list. Like if you went through like Barack Obama's kill list, right? When it comes to terrorists, he has like the Beyonce's and Jay-Z's of terrorists. I bet Donald Trump literally has Beyonce and Jay-Z on his kill list. That's all right, I'm losing some of you, but I've got to get you back somehow because we've got to change the world. We're going to have to change the world in some way, in some manner, in some form. Yeah, I don't know how many of you guys have seen videos that I produced. I produced videos for We The Internet TV. Have you got any fans? A lot of people are like, not anymore. They're after the joke about death. I'm not with you at all. I understand that. I appreciate that. But we have like a booth set up and stuff with swag. I was told that I was supposed to like promote this to you. I probably picked the worst time. I was doing pretty well and then I just broke protocol. That was a little nuts. I hope you guys appreciate that I got dressed up for you today. I heard it was hot, Lana. That was it. I'm doing a little something on my beard. This beard's a little intense right now. I think it's getting a little too long. See, I have to be really careful with my beard, guys, because if I let it grow too long, I start to look like the creepy guy who's too old to be hanging out at the skate park. Do you know the guy who's like, hey, you kids want me to buy you some beer? Or teach you how to kiss? I started looking like that guy. That guy's the worst. I don't want to look like that guy. I'm the same. We don't want to be two of those guys in the skate park. Guys like, oh, I'm getting away from the one and then boom, right into your arms. It's crazy. But I'm from New York originally. Anybody here from New York? Anyone make the trek down? Look at that. Where in New York are you from? Look at that. You were born in New York City. Fantastic. And then you just ran away from something. You've been running ever since. Yeah, it's all good. I'm glad you're here, man. I love your army. That's fantastic. It's awesome. So I'm from New York originally. I went out to Los Angeles a few years ago because I wanted to be in a commercial. No, it didn't work, man. It did not work. It did not work. But I went out there and I got a commercial agent, which is like a big thing. It's a big step. Commercial agents send you out on commercial auditions where you fail them. And so that's where I got there. And lately they were sending me out for the role of Hispanic dad. Which, is it the vibe I'm giving you guys right now? Like Hispanic dad vibe? Not really, but I kind of get it. What's that? That's right. He's not even Hispanic. He's culturally appropriating millions of dollars like that. No, no, it's all good. No, it's all good. No, I kind of get it. But the thing is I kind of get it, right? Because my last name is Perez, right? But I like to describe myself as conveniently Latino. Like I don't give a shit about being Latino unless it's like the World Cup or I'm stealing your scholarships. Yeah, give them to me. Yeah. Someone didn't get into NYU because Luis took your spot. That's my full name, Luis Perez. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I get extra laughs. So every one laugh is worth actually two laughs because it's like a quota system. It's cool. It's all good. No, it's all good. It's all good. But part of me like I wonder that commercial they're sending me out for the Hispanic dad commercial. Like what does that sound like in their head that they're sending me out for, you know? Am I in like an open field? And I'm like, we are a proud people. For decades we have suffered injustice. My son, Manuelito, was with us the first hand. My shirt is stained with the blood of my comrades. But we are united tonight. And the tide is turning thanks to tide, ultra-stain release. Mas Gris, si se puede. Si se puede. That's what I was thinking. But yeah, I went out to LA too because I really wanted to be in movies too. I'm available if anybody is shooting any movies and stuff. I wanted to be in movies. And I don't know about you guys, but my favorite movie and kind of movie, and it's a little corny. But I love like body-switching movies. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? What? Face-off? Face-off wasn't a literal body-switching movie, sir. They just switch faces. I don't mean to shit on you in front of your friends and family. But don't speak up with that bullshit ever again. Never talk face-off to me, to my face. No, no, no. You're wrong. But the body-switching movies, my favorite ones, are the ones where the mom and daughter switch bodies. Yeah, Freaky Friday or the father and son, Vice Versa, if any of you were born in the 80s. So I had this one idea for a movie. I was going to pitch about a grandfather and a grandson who switch bodies, right? And if you're cool with it, I want to read you the first part of the script. Thanks. It's narrated by the grandfather. I'm just going to need you guys to shut up in front. Just for this part. Just for this part. Just for this part. Just for this part, okay? So it's narrated by the grandfather. And it starts out like this. The best part about switching bodies with my grandson was getting to play Little League Baseball again. The worst part about switching bodies with my grandson was having to watch him die in my body. Do we got a hit or what? I have a Kickstarter for it if anybody wants to be cool. Hold on. Thank you. Thank you. I feel like I gained some of your love and affection, and then I quickly wipe it out. All that. It's all good. Like I said, I'm from New York, and it's very lonely to be living in New York as a libertarian because I am the only libertarian in New York who I want to hang out with. Yeah, you guys know who you are. You're weird. I was told that midnight we were going to try to raise money and ran from the dead. What's going on at midnight? Freaks. Yay. She's still living in our hearts? No. But it's really tough because I try to make friends a lot in New York, and I try to make friends with liberals all the time, and I go to them and I'm like, oh, come on, guys. We agree on all the fun stuff. Drugs and prostitution. I just want you to pay for your drugs and buy your prostitutes with Bitcoin. And get a gun. It makes everything a little bit more fun if you just do that. But what I found is definitely the portion of the population that's real hardcore are libertarians, and I don't know if there's a competition between libertarian states and all that, but I found some of the hardest core libertarians in New Hampshire. Anybody been in New Hampshire? Man, every week there's a vote to secede. Man, you guys are hardcore. I went to this festival. It's called Porkfest. I don't know if anybody heard about that. I went to that like seven years ago. I was uninitiated, right? This was like hardcore into the libertarian, you know, the center of the storm. And I went to this one, and there was a panel discussion on school choice. How do we feel about school choice? You guys are so excited about that. Awesome. So at the end of it, there's a Q&A session, right? And in the back, this big burly guy gets up and his beard is like the size of me, right? And even his beard is open carrying. Like he's got two pistols. This dude is ready to roll. And he picks up the mic and he goes, Like that's him. I think that's his name. And he gets to the mic and he says, Don't you think it's about time that we water the tree of liberty with the blood of our tyrants? This is a fucking school choice panel, man. That's where the revolution starts. And I don't know about this tree of liberty, man. Couldn't we at least smoke it? Like, I don't know if I can fight that hard for just like, I don't know, like a rose bush. I'm trying to think of, I don't know many things about bushes and all that. I don't know much time to be up here. One thing I will say is, one of the most amazing things about being a libertarian is that every four years, you know that no matter what happens in an election, you're gonna be unhappy. Isn't that great? That's an amazing kind of depression. I accept that. I don't need any Zoloft. I'm not handling my shit. But what I hate so much about politics is that it's so divisive, but also what I find is, I have friends of mine who are Republicans, I have friends of mine who are Democrats, and I find that politics make them complete hypocrites. What I found is that my friends end up defending their guy for stuff they would never defend anybody for. It's completely unprincipled stuff, and it really hit like the apex of it years ago. I don't know if you guys have heard of this man. He was a governor of New York named Elliott Spitzer. Anybody, Elliott Spitzer fans? Well, you might know him as client number nine. For those of you who know that, right? So a friend of mine, Elliott Spitzer got some trouble, and a friend of mine was defending him. And I said, hey man, don't you think it's a little messed up that the governor, who used to be the attorney general, who used to be a district attorney, was prosecuting prostitutes while at the same time paying prostitutes for sex. And my friend looked me dead in the eye and went, they weren't the same prostitutes. You cannot argue with that kind of logic. But I'm sure sometime this weekend there will be a panel on how to argue against that kind of logic. Thank you so much for helping me kick off FECON with you. We got a great improv group coming up. I don't know who's introducing them. Hopefully somebody is. I will. What's that? I will introduce them. You will introduce them. Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from Atlanta's premier improv theater, Dad's Garage. How are you guys doing? Excellent. As you heard, we are Dad's Garage Theater Company. We are an improv and comedy theater here in Atlanta. And I'm Matt with me. I have Tara and I'm Mark. And this is Dave on the keys. Give it up for Dave on the keys. We're going to do some improv for you guys tonight. Round of applause. How many of you have ever seen any improv before? All right. All right. Who's never seen any improv before? There's still like 10 people left. Great. Well, if you haven't seen it before, the thing to know is that we don't know what we're doing. Mostly, we're going to be making stuff up. We don't really know what's going to happen. We're just going to make stuff up up here. You guys are going to provide some vital information to us through ideas and suggestions that we get from you and use in our scenes. Or we may even bring some of you up on stage here with us. Don't worry. We'll put you back in your chairs in the same condition you were in before we got you. So you guys will be playing a big part of this show as well. So I said earlier, we might get ideas and suggestions from you guys. We'll do that most of the time just by throwing out some questions to the group at large. We want you just to hear the question, think of something, and shout an answer to us, the first thing that comes to mind. And we'll take something that we hear, and we'll use it up on stage. So if I ask you what your favorite show on television is right now, you'd think about that, and you'd all yell. Awesome. A lot of great answers. All Netflix. All Netflix. Yeah. I heard Westworld from over here. Oh, I get it. Or if I asked you what your most hated vegetable is, you'd all yell. Great. You're all correct. They all suck. That's great. Super. So yeah, so we just take something that we hear, and we use it up on stage. Great. So I think, unless you guys have anything you want to address, I think we're ready to get... No, I think everything's been addressed well before we got here. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So the first thing we're going to do for you guys is just tell you a simple story. There'll be one of us standing here in the front telling you a story as a specific character. But at any point during the story, any of the other performers can jump up and tag the monologist out and pick up where they left off. Pick up in mid-word, mid-sense. Mid-phrase. We'll keep telling the story. Add nauseam until we get enough laughs or we're ready to go home. So we'll go faster and faster until the story turns into an unrecognizable mess. So, yeah, that's what you're here for. What is something that would be big news in a small town? A lot of people yelling incest here. Statistically, too many people are yelling incest. So we're going to go with murder, I think. Murder is good. Yeah. Slightly safer space. Yeah, just a less stomach-turning crime. I mean, we are in the south, so... All right, so this will be about murder in a small town. I think that's all we need. So help us count down. We'll see this in five. Four. Four. Three. Two. One. Johnson, I've lived in this town my whole... 78 years on planet Earth. I've seen a lot of things in my time. I've seen a chicken walk backwards. But let me... Let me tell you about one thing I've seen that no one has believed since. It was a couple years ago. A warm summer day with rain. Kind of like... Probably said rain. Not real clear. But rain-like bullets. I was sitting on my porch. Just rocking back and forth in my favorite rocking chair when I seen that little Wentworth kid come and skip... Straight down the street. He was riding a bicycle with three wheels. A three-wheel bike. A tricycle if you will. He was... A bit of a smart ass to myself sometimes. So I kicked my own ass and then I waved at that Wentworth boy. He proceeded to ride right into my yard and ride over my bed of petunias. Why he... Why he had no regard for my petunias. Little... He was covered in blood. Part of the story that's interesting. He was covered in blood. And I rushed to him. No longer upset about the petunias worried for the little Wentworth boy. He grasped his head and shook it. And he was dead. Perhaps I shook it a little too hard. So I had to figure out Why how? I snapped it. Oh no, what have I done? Petunias. And those suckers are growing like... They're growing so fast. They're huge. But to when you tree I had never seen such a tree before. So then I realized I needed to get more bodies. Stop there. Stop there. See? Story of a sweet old lady that... Oh that was a lady? What? She was myrtle or something. Myrtle. So great. We started off with a cold blooded murder of a small child. So we're just... It's up from here. Hey, you know what? There was no incest in that story. That's true. We don't know why he was covered in blood when he came into the story. Oh lord. That's true. Well, now we have it. Now we've all had that image. So we're going to need... Actually we're going to need some help for this. Yeah. So Mark and Tara, we guys actually go... Yes, please. Get a couple of unwilling volunteers. I'm going to put that on you. Oh my gosh. You guys want to play? Come on up. What's your name? Okay, Corey. I'm just going to grab one. Corey, come on up. Join me. Sir, would you be willing to join us up on stage? Yeah. Would you be willing to join us? Oh, let's give it up. Fantastic. Come on up, Corey. We'll tell you in a second. It's really easy. This is Corey. Hey, Corey. Excellent. Corey, come over here if you would. Right this way, sir. Well, I don't know what it's on. All right. We got Corey. What's your name, sir? Corey and Mark. Who do we have? Tom. Corey and Tom. Big round of applause. Hey, Tom, hi, Tom. Tom, if I could... Oh! We've got a reunion of the old country. This is awesome. Corey, if I could put you right over here. Now, Corey and Tom, you two are going to be very important in this next scene. We're going to be doing a scene as we go through these times where we're at a loss for words. We're not going to know what we want to say next. And we're going to look to you. We're going to make eye contact with you when that happens. All right. And what we want you to do at that point is provide the next word, sentence, phrase. But here's the easy part. You don't actually say it. You just silently mouth the words to us. And we're going to try and lip-read what you say. Right? So it could be something very simple. Like, Mark. I'm so thirsty I could use a glass of coke. Great. Great. Super. You just silently mouth the words and we'll try to make it make sense. Or it could be a little more complex, like. The quickest way to make a ton of money is Mark Schuster's pants. I don't know who Mark Schuster is, but thanks for the information. Great. Okay. So you get the hang of it. Just silently mouth the words and we'll try and read your lips. You two, thank you. Great. So for our scene to get started, what's something that you're looking forward to doing with a friend soon? A music festival. I heard a music festival. All right. Great. Music festival. I'm glad people are excited about voting, but that's just separate. Like, just a feel good moment for me. Good. Good. Okay. So gentlemen, Tom and Cora, you guys stay where you're at and this will be a scene somehow involving you. I'm so excited to see the next band up. The next band is called Matters Math, man. Matters Math. It's a song that's playing on the radio. It's called It's like a book. I guess you pay her a dollar for taking such good care of you. That's why I like Math Matters. Cause it's like there's so many potential meanings of all their songs. Exactly. Oh man, they're starting up a new set here. You know, Victoria, I just got to say it's so cool with me. It means so much. This is easily like the highlight of my freshman year of college. Lenny, I brought you here for a reason. What? Yeah. And I thought it'd be a really good place, like a loud, noisy place where you can barely hear people to tell you the truth about how I feel about you. What? Yeah. Can you, yeah, I'll just be really loud about it. Yeah. No, I got it. Here's the thing, Lenny. I feel like, let's try it again. Now, okay, you're, you're whole perfect. Oh my gosh, that means so much to me. Like, before I thought like certain parts of me were perfect, but not the whole human being. Yeah. And so it's just like the fact that you appreciate my whole body or my whole being, rather, makes me feel, you know, just like, like I could go on a journey with you. Oh, so we totally feel the same way. Yeah, totally. Like, you know what, when I first saw you, I thought, life. Crazy, because the other night, I was writing a poem about you. What? And it, it, it went like this. Violets are blue and you're really cute like a Sarlacc. Oh my gosh. I'm into Star Wars. I, I feel, but I mispronounce it. You know, I feel so inspired, like, is it okay if I just give you a poem as well? I was loved to hear a poem. Here's one I have for you. Yeah. In fact, I'll start with your opening and then do a new closing. Okay. So like, roses are red, violets are blue. Violets are blue. You are fantastic and at least cute too. You know, I've been, I've been lying. This isn't, this isn't Coca-Cola. I mean it is. There is Coke and ice in here, but at the bottom, I have my mother's ring. Oh my gosh. This is moving really fast. Look, I know, but it's just like, math matters, set is going to be over real soon. And I figured the perfect moment to propose is during one of their concerts. You know? Oh my gosh. I aged somewhere exotic. Like, I just got so much bigger when I met you. Oh my gosh. This means so much to me. It's like my dreams are coming through. Listen, or coming true rather. They're also coming through. They're coming through. Like literally, man, because we took that like about a half an hour ago. It's totally coming through. Victoria, would you be willing to be with me forever? Would you be willing to be my wife? Love to you already. That's what I'm basing this decision on. Oh my gosh. That's what happened this morning. Oh my goodness. See, it was out there. Big round of applause. Were we doing the interview? Great. Yeah, absolutely so. Okay guys, I'll set this one up. Guys, we have a special treat for you. Expert with us. And the great, and I'm going to do an interview with this expert. But the interesting thing about this expert is, is that this expert speaks in one voice. Two heads, one voice. So we just need a suggestion from you for something that this expert is an expert on. And let's make it something that you wouldn't normally be an expert on. You know, something unusual, like in a bubble gum or Wednesdays or, yeah, you're really excited. You've got a great idea. Everybody be real quiet. The Neolithic Patriarchy. Raydriarchy. Raydriarchy. Raydriarchy. Matriarchy. Someone here, someone here yelled raisins. Yes, I want to appreciate that you have like, you had locked and loaded Neolithic Matriarchy. And you're like, at some point this is going to be the ideal suggestion. Guys, We want raisins. Got you. Fine. We'll find a way to fit it in. We will see this expert interview about raisins 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. It's Ellen DeGeneres and I just don't sound like me today. So, I'm an expert on raisins. Why don't you introduce yourself? Hi, my name is Dr. Roar Forthin. Dr. Roar Forthin. And I'm an expert on raisins. Thanks for having me on your show. Very in the guest department. Dr. Why don't we go ahead and dive right in. What is it about raisins that just drives me nuts when I find them in pudding? Oh, well, everybody loves raisins, especially in pudding. Raisins are great in saryolts, salads, cereal, witches, and sins. Raisins. Five S's of raisins. Actually, the title of your new book. Oh, yeah. The five S's of raisins. The book has all kinds of things. And it's special tips and frequently asked questions. And also a do not do section. I think that's what we want to dive right into. The do not do section. Oh, yes. There are three things to never do with raisins. Number one, give them to your grandma. Bait. Snake bait. Snakes hate raisins. So don't use them as a snake bait. Or you won't catch any. Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. But I want to keep it here because there was a time when you tried to give. Oh, yes. Poor Nana. Rest in soul. Rest in soul. Rest in soul. And I thought it would be a good idea to give her some raisins. But what I didn't know was that Nana had a heart attack. And I tried to give her raisins. It made it worse. She died from a heart attack and a speciation on raisins. I should have called the ambulance. I lived with that every day. So I made a vow to never give raisins to a grandma again. In fact, any time I see a raisin, I eat it so a grandma can't have it. Ellen, are you a grandma? Give me that raisin. Save your life. Knocking on my door. He's the king. Got any raisins? Yeah, I do. I give them to him. Unless you're a grandma. Then no, you can't have one. The California raisins brought me on a tour. I got some open, the Heart Score and the original raisin song. You want to hear it? Give me that raisin. Oh, yeah. We've got to make raisins hot again with millennials. Millennials end of 2020. It should have on this page for four years. I'm really excited about it. And I hope you are. It's already here. Thinking about trying raisins just then. I think we need to stretch out. Should we do a little moving body? Yeah, absolutely. Let's get one person. Mark, Mark, would you get us one? Yeah, of course. Yes, someone with a... This is our friend that offered us turkey... That's true. Would you be willing to join us? She wants to play. Excellent. All right. Hi, what's your name? What's your name one more time? Sandra. Sandra. All right. Great. Sandra, come on, advisors. In this next scene are going to be unable to move their own bodies. They're going to be puppets in your hands. So you will be making them do all the movements. We're going to practice just a little bit to make sure that you're not a psycho-violent killer person and have a general understanding of how this is going to work. So, for example, if you wanted to get Mark to wave hello, how would you do that? Yep, there it is. Good. And wherever you... Yep, there you go. You manipulate that. And wherever you leave them, that's where their hand will stay. They're just like a little putty. And you can get him to... Yes, you can get him to hold his boob. You can... That's a good point. It was a little lower. So you can get him to look around by gently turning his head. You want to give that a try? There you go. You got him another. Great, good, good. You might also want to make them walk. So the way to do that is... We'll test with Matt here. You'll tap the back of his knee and he'll step forward with that leg. Yeah, great. Try the other one. See if it works. Yep, that works. Okay, good. And if you want him to walk backwards, he'll go to the front of their knee and make them do a split. Actually, that's a good point. Let's go ahead and pause right there. Rip. Good. So that's actually a good point. We want to make sure that whatever you do, please don't make them bend in ways that their bodies are not intended to do. Keep in mind that they are older. So they can do less than they used to be able to. And maybe don't poke any sharp parts in soft parts. You know what I mean? Got it. We'll do that later. Okay, great. Let's go ahead and get a suggestion. It's going to suggestion for this scene and let's make it something of physical activity. What's a fun physical activity you might do on the weekend? Baseball. Baseball. Baseball. You like baseball? Great. It is baseball season so we'll take baseball. Sandra, do you feel comfortable moving these guys around? Let's go ahead and give them baseball themed positions. There we go. Okay, that looks good. Yeah? Yeah? Uh-huh. Oh, that's right. Like a catcher. Good, good. Catcher. Yeah. This is fun. It's like Pictionary. I don't know what he's holding. But okay. Great. Sandra, come over here and move Mark for me real quick. And while she's doing that, we will start the scene off and see it in five, four, three, two, one. All right, son. Throw that old fastball in here to your dad. Oh boy, dad. I can't wait to throw the ball to you. Real heater. Yeah, thanks, Ed. You fired it in there. Dad, I'm so excited that you came to play catch with me. I really appreciate it. Well, son, I know I've been busy. I know the law firm's been keeping me away for a long time and I don't get to do. Thank you for your service, son. I know I enrolled you in the Marine babies. You've been overseas. I've been busy and you've been overseas, setting countries free with you and your other baby Marines. Dad, I want to thank you for your service. My service? My service? What are you talking about? You, everything that you've done for me, putting me into the service, without you, none of it would have been possible. You just lowered my dreams and come true. You made my son a young man to be proud of. I'm so proud of you, son. Get over here and give your dad a hug. Dad, surprise, I'm Jesus. You've done good. You've done good. Get to be true. I fathered the Messiah. It's true. It's true you did. You did such great things. You did such great things and I'm proud of you. That must be how you made that baseball flow in the air for like five seconds earlier. I'm saying. I'm so thankful. I'm touched, literally touched. Who wants the bell for this next thing? I'd love to do the bell. The bell, okay. Great. Keep going for Sandra, everybody. That was fantastic. Baseball, bringing people together. All right, so guys for this next thing we're going to do, we've given Mark a bell. And what he's going to do for the next scene is Tare and I will be doing a scene like we normally do. But any time Mark hears the line of dialogue that he's not a fan of, He might ring that bell, and we're gonna have to change what we did, what we just said, to what we should have said. Which is why we call this game, should have said, right? So it might be something like, oh, I'm just gonna go grab my coat. The dog. A shotgun. Great. Such a quick thinker. Yeah, Mark gets what he wants using the bell. So, a scene for Tara and I. Where is a place that two friends might meet? The beach? The beach, sure. The beach? I also heard an abandoned warehouse. Let's meet at an abandoned warehouse. Abandoned warehouse. Abandoned warehouse, okay. We'll see this scene at an abandoned warehouse in five, four, three, two, one. Turn off the lights. Shelly? Wanda? Miranda? It's me, Miranda. Turn off the lights. Turn them off. Asked you to meet me in this abandoned warehouse for a reason, Doug. What could possibly be the reason? I'm going to commit a crime. I need my nails done. The damn GPS just gets me lost every time. So it's just I've put in publics for God's sake, this is where we ended up. Abandoned warehouse in Portland. I don't know. Why'd I have to turn off the lights then? Because I don't want you to see me in my shame. Oh, Miranda. Oh, Miranda, come on. Plenty of people get lost using a GPS. I don't understand technology. Different position. Hold on, let me turn on the lights so I can get a click. Yeah, it's like a nice click. Why do we have to pretend like there isn't something between us? Like this chair? Doug? Doug. That's part of the problem, Doug. You're not memorable. I hate that name. Hi. I can't take it anymore. Oh my God. Good Lord, Miranda. I've been hired to kill you. Oh, no. It's true. You know who the enemy is. Yeah. The green grocer down the street. The Teamsters Union. My ENT. Damn it. My mom hired you to kill me? My sweet mom? That's right. She felt like, you know, it was kind of a mistake having you and she's just finally made a decision about it. Because I haven't given her any grandbabies yet. That's right. Because that time that I clogged the toilet and then left the house. Because I ate all her yo-play. Because I made dad leave. Because I burned all her hair off. Yes. She's hideous now. It won't grow back. And your mother was nothing without her looks. Look, Miranda. And your mom hates swigs. Just hates them. Like really angry. Miranda, I don't believe you could pull that trigger. I don't think you can do it. I don't think you can do it. Holy shit, you can do it. I thought the bell was going to ring. Essie! I think we've got time for, I think, one more here. Yeah. That's just lines for a phone? Yeah. We need help from one more person, but we need a specific kind of help. We need your smart phone. And we need your smart phone that has a lot of texts on it. We've got Neolithic Matriarchy. Yes, this gentleman is very eager. Yes. Give it to her. What's your name? Thank you so much, David. All right, so in this next scene, we can talk as we normally would, except for Mark. Mark has David's cell phone, and he can only speak lines of dialogue. There are texts from David's phone. So David is very brave. He's given us his phone. So Mark can only read lines of dialogue. There are texts in the phone. The rest of us are just going to have to figure out what's going on here. Yeah. So what's a part of this convention that you're looking forward to, maybe one of the happenings or something going on a little later? The toddler fight club. The toddler fight club. That's a thing? Okay. Is that a metaphor, or is that literal? What was that? They're going to summon Einran from the dead. Gotcha, okay. They call it the summoning. Okay, also like a thing that's actually happening. The what? Taking a class. We're just going to distill it down to taking a class. Taking a class. Thank you very much. All right. Taking a class. We'll see this in five, four, three, two, one. I'm hearing a lot of good things about this class. I know. I'm really excited to be here. The professor is supposed to be amazing. You want a digital camera that takes pictures, correct? Oh. Oh, wow. Yes, yes. Yes, of course. Totally. We have to take pictures of your lecture, because you know, you don't let us take notes. Ah, got it. We're really excited to learn. No. I see you have to have the final project by five, two, or five, nine. Let's go for the later date. Five, nine? Five, nine? That would be great. May nine. Yes. It's a big project. We're honored that you chose us to have the project, though, professor. We're ready to deliver. I mean, we really want this. I found the Sony XDHD PDW F800 camcorder. Holy shit. You just found that? Someone left it? It does. Thank you. Wow. Did you? I don't really feel, I feel like this is a little illegal, just like. Did you give it to the lost and found? It could be that a former student, like one of the previous classes left it. Right. I just thought, well, you need a slate to sync picture to sound. I guess that's a good enough reason. Yeah. And you do need a slate. To sync picture to sound. Well, I mean, that's why we're here. You're the best at it. Yes. We're here to learn from you. Yes. I downloaded the sound card. Jesus, is that even possible? To download a sound card? This guy is light years ahead of the industry. Listen, if you're able to produce matter from nothing, we actually have a request. There's this author, Ein Rand. We'd like for her to come back to life. And we heard you could do that. Back to back, like before? Yes. All right. Right. All right. Tell us what we need to do. Super uncomfortable position for me. FYI is usually a young man who comes. Oh no. She's a woman. He's really nice. But please don't leave your money laying out. Oh, wow. Maybe it'll still work. Okay. Three things. Okay. One. Yes. I met someone last night from Kset who says they hire interns all the time. Oh. Two. She's going to need a job when she comes back. Yeah. That's great. Maybe she could start there. Two. I saw. And three. Yes. Really cryptic. Did it. Did it work? I mean. Is she back? Is she back? I saw. Where is she? I? I? I? I? I? I? Got it. Oh God. Oh. Wow. She is a lot shorter than I thought she would be. I'll be fine. You got a message. She says only every man for himself. She's leaving. That's it? That's the whole message? Yeah. I guess we're on our own. You're right. Like he always said. Made a reservation with the daily grill for 130. Spoke to Susan, who said she will be there. Hopefully, they will have it this time. Thank you so much. Again, we are Dad's Garage. We're here in Atlanta. We're over in Old Fourth Ward. Yeah. We're just a couple miles down. Always go to dadsgarage.com and find out what we got going on. We're there every week. So come on by, poke your head through the door and see what we do. But you guys have a great night. Thank you so much for listening to us. Ladies and gentlemen, let's head for Dad's Garage.