 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, strike today. My cigarettes with care, yes, I demand perfection, and luckies are so round and firm they're topped in my affections. Column full of news and I've a scoop for you, a lucky is a happy smoke so mild and so rich. Buy your cigarette, enjoy a truly fine tobacco that combines both perfect mildness and rich taste in one great cigarette, Lucky Strike. For only fine tobacco gives you both real mildness and rich taste, and LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So friends, be happy, go lucky, try a carton of Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky, strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky, go lucky. Rochester, Tennessee, the Thoughts and Quartet, and yours truly, Donwells. Gentlemen, it is morning, and as we look into Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills, he and Rochester are going over the bills that have accumulated during their absence in Europe. 850. Electric bill, $9.75. $9.75. Here's a bill from the telephone company, $6.40. Wait a minute, why do we have to pay the telephone company? They couldn't get in to open the coin box. I wonder how much my share will be this month. Now let's see, I paid my cash and writers for the first show. Oh yes, I have to mail a check for commission to my agent. I've been meaning to ask you about that boy, how does your agent get to the bank? He doesn't, the warden deposits it for him. Yeah, but he gets 10% off for good behavior. What else have you got there? Here's a bill from your dentist, he wants $100 deposit. My dentist? Oh yeah, send that bill to my sponsor after all it was his idea. Your sponsor? Yeah, he thought it'd be nice for television if I had my five front teeth fixed. Well, what's wrong with your five front teeth? He wants to put LSMFT on it. But I don't know whether I'll do it or not. He's smiling commercials. Be happy, go lucky. You know, the next thing you know, he'll want me to... I'll get it. Hello? Who was that? Your parents. He'll be good to see Polly again. What bills? I don't want to waste all day. Yes, sir. Here's one for your automobile insurance. $93.50. No, no, no, that's not the premium. That's what the car is insured for. That's right, I was up there for three days. See, my room was $10 a day. That's $30. Pay it, Rochester. What's the 20 cents for? I gambled a little. I was up all night trying to break even. You know, sometimes... I'll get it. Hello? No, no, the address here is 360 North Camden Drive. Not 350. Goodbye. Stupid parrot. Some bird can't find the way to Capistrona. She can't even find her own house. Now, Rochester, take all these bills and... Come in. Hello, Dennis. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Every time I come to your house, you ask me the same thing. What? For ten years, I've been coming to your house and it's always... Hello, Dennis. What are you doing here? Look here. Just once, I'd like you to say hello, Dennis. Glad to see you. Come in and stand on your head. Dennis, why should I ask you to stand on your head? You know it's a long walk. My feet hurt. Well, that's ridiculous. Dennis, you only live two blocks from here. Why is it such a long walk? I always get lost. But there's nothing to it. Why didn't you just come down Rexford and walk up Sunset Boulevard? Oh, I'm afraid to pass Gloria Swanson's house. What? If she killed William Holden, what chance of a jerk like me got? Look, Dennis, do me a favor, will you? Yes. Come outside, I'll close the door and ring the bell again. Okay. Well, hello, Dennis. Come on in and stand on your head. Now leave me alone. Yes, sir. Now maybe I can... Not on the piano! Look, I didn't ask you over here, but if you came to let me hear your song, let's hear it and then go home. Okay. Hold it a minute. Yes? How do you do? I'm a telephone company. Oh, it's right over there on the wall. Thank you. When the Shriners were in town. I'll dump them out right here on the tape. Follows Nichols. Here I go to divide the dough and when I'm through I'll scrammy. One for me and one for you and five for Uncle Seth. Yes, mustn't forget him. My agent didn't look where he is. Now look, Mr. Would you mind counting those coins in the other room? No, no, not at all. Thank you. Go ahead, Dennis. Let's hear your song. Yes, sir. You can go home now if you want to. Dennis, I said you can go home now. Dennis. Oh, isn't that cute. He's sang himself to sleep. He must have walked a long way to be that tired. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mary. Come on in and stand on your head. I mean, come on in. Talking about. Nothing, nothing. Dennis, wake up. Huh? Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. By the way, Jack, I haven't seen you since last Sunday. Did you read all the reviews on your opening program? Yes, most of them. I thought they were nice. The reporter in Variety said you were better than ever. I know. The Wella Parsons said you got loads of laughs. Yes, yes. Heta Hopper said you were dynamite. Yes, yes, I know. Erskine Johnson said you weren't the least bit funny. Him, I'm suing. What other write-ups were there? Did you read the review in the Herald Express? No. You can take that one to the Supreme Court. No kidding. Was it that bad? Oh, what? I thought you went home. How can I? My shirt's in your bending. Mary, getting back to those reviews, I can understand it. Everybody seemed to like the show. Even my mother. Oh, your mother. What did your mother know? She liked it? Yes, I got a letter from her yesterday. Oh. I brought it over. Do you want me to read it to you? Yes. I mean, if she liked my show, certainly go ahead. Okay. My darling daughter Mary, just a note to tell you, we heard Jack's opening program and thought it was very good. Wow. It's about time. We'll soon be able to see Jack, too, as we have a new television set. Hopper didn't want to pay all that money for a set, so he built his own. He went wrong, though, and when it was finished, the screen was one inch high and seven feet wide. It works all right, but Hop along Cassie looks like he's riding a snake. That's silly. A screen one inch high and seven feet wide. I wonder what Faye Emerson looks like. Read on, Mary. Here's some good news about your sister, Babe. About Babe? Oh, goodie. Goodie. Babe is very upset because she wasn't selected to go to the Atlantic Sitting Baby Beauty contest in Miss Plainfield, and I don't blame her. Even though I'm her mother, I must admit that Babe has the prettiest pair of knees in New Jersey. It's a shame they're in the back. Lucky her feet are on backwards. She'd look awful. Jack. Oh, I'm sorry, Mary. No other news except that I'm very angry at your father not speaking to him. What? Last month was our anniversary, and I told him I wanted to see South Pacific, so he took me to New York and shoved me on a banana boat. Good, good. Have to close now, but we'll write again soon. Your loving mother, Valley High Living. Well, Mary, if your mother lived here in Hollywood, I'd give her a job as a writer. I'm not kidding. Excuse me a minute, will you? Where are you going? I'm in the kitchen. I want to get a glass of water. Answer that, will you, Mary? Okay. Hello? Well, how you live? What are you doing at Treasure Island? I had nothing to do, so I dropped in at Jack's house. Social or Bendix? Social, Phil. Where is Jackson? He'll be right back. He's getting a drink. No. Don't tell me the old man has finally gone. There he is now. Oh, Jack. Jackson, it's a niffin of it, huh? Yes, Phil, I had a glass of water, nice, plain, cool water. Water? Yes, water. What's in your swimming pool? Remly, we're playing Sunset Boulevard. All right, all right. What did you call for? Oh, I want to find out about rehearsal. Oh, you do, eh? You want to find out about rehearsal? Well, Mr. Harris, for your information, rehearsal was at my house last night. Was I there? No. Well, I can cross that one off. I think we ought to get something straightened out right now. This is the start of a new season. When I call a rehearsal, I expect everybody to be there, and that includes you. Now, this is your last warning. Agent. My agent needs a tuxedo. Hang up, and I'll see you tomorrow. Goodbye, Phil. Good night, Irene. Hey, Mary, it's getting kind of late, and I'm hungry. Would you like to stay for dinner? Sure, Jack, I'd love to. Where's Dennis? Well, he went out while you were talking to Phil. Good, good. I'm going to get Rochester started with dinner. Okay, I'll just sit in here and play the piano. This thing is out of tune. No wonder nobody puts the nickels in it anymore. You'd think it, at least. Oh, Jack! Yes, is he expecting you? Yeah, Jack brought me a gift from Europe, and he wanted me to drop by and look at it. Just look at it? Well, he said he'd give it to me today if I promised not to expect anything. I must say it was exciting, Don. We had so much fun in London, Paris, Rome, Venice, and... Venice? Jack didn't tell me about that. Well, he wouldn't. Well, you laughing at Mary? Well, Jack will never tell you, so I will. Well, go ahead, Mary. I'd love to hear it. Well, after Jack finishes engagement at the London Palladium, we went to Paris. From Paris, we went to Rome, and while in Rome, we decided to go to Venice. All right, those canals must be fascinating. Oh, they are, Don. Anyway, we arrived at night. Jack's in the Grand Denali Hotel, and the next morning I met Jack in the lobby. Jack, did you get the tickets for the sightseeing tour? Yes, Mary, and the gondola will leave in a few minutes. See, I'm sure looking forward to it. Senior Benny? Yes. I am the belly captain. The gondola for the sightseeing tour, she's about to ready to leave. Oh, good. Well, we'll be right out. Grazie. Oh, bell captain, should I bring my coat? A senior in a living stunt. This is a sunny Italy. We have the same climate you have in the California. Bring me your coat. I thought so. Come on, Jack. First time I've ever been in a gondola. Yeah. I didn't know it helped so many people. I'm sure gladly came on the sightseeing tour. Oh, Jack, the guide is getting up to point out the places of interest. Yeah. Come on, Mary, let's get closer to him. There's so many interesting things in Venice. I don't want to miss a word he says. Excuse me. Excuse me. Jack. Excuse me. Jack, you're close enough to him. Just a little closer. Excuse me. Excuse me. Is it that, or not so distraught, the famous stories of the Palazzo, but this man is a stone in mine? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? In the 20th century, a gondolier has never seen an animal like this. He still thinks he's a stone. What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? Yeah. Just a minute, Mary. Say, mister, do you understand Italian? Yes, I do. Oh, good. Good. What did he say? He said, you're standing on his foot. I'm sorry. I'll step back. Jack! Help me get him back into the boat. Or did you push him? Thanks, mister. Oh, boy. Am I wet? What did he say? What did he say? Huh? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? Huh? What did he say? He said, you're dripping on his leg. He thinks I'm going to step back again. He's crazy. In a son of Progando, Artista Cale is concertinalto, the Europa son of Vista. Wait a minute. I thought you couldn't speak Italian. What did Mr. Benny say? He said, he was a sensation at the Palladium Theatre in London. That he could say in Chinese. Poo, han, wang, poo. What did he say? What did he say? What did he say? He said, we are now approaching the Plaza, which is famous throughout the world, for it's singing gondolier. Oh, yes. Yes. Look. All those people sitting out on the pier. Where else would you see anything like this? Down our gondolas, starting to move again. Gosh, I wouldn't have missed this trip for anything. It's so picturesque here in Venice. Oh, Jack, look at those signs along the side of the canal. Signs? Yeah. I'll see if I can read them as we pass. What does it say? Burmese. On their last sign, Bermuda Radera. That's Burmese. Burmuda Radera means Burmese? Holy smoke. I better learn what these Italian words mean. Why? I had that on my strawberries this morning. See, I'll just have to... Jack, sit down, you rockin' a gondola, and we're getting into heavy traffic. Yeah. Just look at all those gondolas going down the pier. Well, that is a problem. Why didn't he try watercolors? This is gonna happen. Miss, are you sure you didn't push him? No, you fell off the Queen Mary's. See, I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. I'm cold. You fell off the Queen Mary's. See, I'm cold? I think I... I... thank you. You said break a leg. I'm nice and Italian. Enjoy the ride like everybody else. OK, but gee, I'm so wet. Like your own car. Signore, signore, you know you're part of the famous aspartio for qualcastesa in Venezia. The guy just said we're passing the shopping center of Venice. And Mary, look at that straw on the end. It specializes in gondol accessories. Manny, Moe, and Luigi. The plate in Los Angeles must have stolen its name from this one. Oh, senor, senor, senor. You know, if I see your farmers I'm gonna go to the only spot you'll eat in Venice. The guy just pointed out the famous American rendezvous in Venice called Harry's Bar. Oh, yes, I've heard of that. See, that's where all the Americans in Venice come for cocktails. We must go there, Jack. Yeah, and say, Mary, did I tell you the wonderful joke I made up about Phil Harris? I'm gonna do it on our first broadcast. Oh, look, Jack, you're on a vacation. Forget joke. No, no, Mary, this will be sensational. Now, get this. I'm gonna say this on the first broadcast. I'm gonna say that when we were in Venice, Phil Harris went into Harry's Bar and sat down at a table with one of the natives. Phil took a drink, and then the native took a drink. Get this. Then Phil took another drink, and the native took another drink. They kept drinking and drinking till the native couldn't see anymore. What's funny about that? Mary, don't you get it? Phil is the first guy in the world ever to drink a Venetian blind. You'll find luckies always give you perfect mildness. In fact, scientific tests prove lucky strike is milder than any other principal brand. But mildness is only part of the enjoyment luckies give you. You get rich taste, too. All the deep down enjoyment that comes from truly fine tobacco. Because LSMFT, lucky strike, means fine tobacco. So, friends, be happy. Go lucky. Try a carton of lucky strike. Wait, so good night, folks. This is CDS for Columbia Broadcasting.