 But soft what light through yonder window breaks. It is the East and Juliet is the Sun. Oh Harris you ought to be pitching for the Yankees. You've got so much on the ball We're leader in radio first and recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye show The all enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show transcribe written by Ed James and Lou Derman with Elliot Louis Walter Tetley John Hubbard Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter sharpness music and yours Julie Bill Foreman Tonight we bring you a bright little gem entitled the traffic problem in Los Angeles or Dante's Inferno Here's a word from RCA Victor You can travel from coast to coast you can visit concert hall sports arena theaters and you can do it all see it all right in your own living room Thanks to television 80 million Americans now enjoy the entertainment and educational benefits of television 80 million Americans Every other person can tune in symphonies movies plays and sports events if your family's missing the wonders of TV By a new RCA Victor now RCA Victor television brings you true-to-life pictures that are big as life and with new romantic tuning Every station is tuned on target one click of one knob brings in the station with virtually no fine adjustments And thanks to the magic monitor circuit system. You can depend on television's clearest Steadyest pictures see your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow He has a set perfect for your home and he can probably deliver your dependable RCA Victor immediately remember owners of RCA Victor television in principal TV areas can enjoy expert installation and maintenance through an RCA Victor factory service contract another reason why every year more people by Dependable RCA Victor than any other television And now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Bay and Phil Harris When the average husband refers to his better half He means his wife, but not Phil Harris to fill his better half is his left profile Or is it his right well anyway here he comes with both profile shining and a full set of teeth to match Two loves have I it's a perfect parlay My wife's a doll, but I love our C.A. Oh Hi, honey. What are you looking at? Oh Phil look Prince of our new pictures just arrived Oh, they did huh? Well, let's mail them out. Let's not keep all that beauty to ourselves Pretty good. Don't say I say Gosh you look wonderful Just wonderful. Thank you kind sir. She said I Don't know about me Somehow pictures don't do me justice No, honey, I mean it now look at this one look He's got that boy twinkle in my eyes, but Well, he didn't capture my lovable devil may care smile You mean you're a wolfish leer No, I mean the magnetic charm that makes me irresistible to all females between 16 and 60 Is that their age or their IQ? IQ Take it easy will you Brenda? You married me didn't you don't that show that I attract the brainy tight Hey, do that again, I was with you That reminds me of a dame I used to go with nice No No, I'm not you should have seen her red hair blue eyes and skin like a 10 year old How old was she 10 years old? Of course, I was only 11 at the time and them days. I was known as Marshmallow Harris Toast of the campfire girls I Was the day They fell yeah making of girls. What do you suppose happened to ours? They should have been home from school an hour ago Maybe they got too smart and the teachers keeping them in to give them some more stupid pills It happens it happens Phyllis told me she said she would have had straight a's last month if it wasn't for them stupid pills I don't know those girls tell you anything and you believe honey honey wait a minute Phyllis got a D in English didn't she and you know no daughter of mine ain't getting no D in English if they ain't Well Phil what's a coke cat? What a coke cat It's a small coke testing Alice I Happen to know this English language like a native so go ahead test me again. Ask me anything. All right. What's a silhouette? It's a small salute But I didn't know huh and a bag yet a bag yet Well, let it be Let it be oh a bag gets a small girl No, honey, they didn't hand out none of them stupid pills when I went to school they handed out something Well, it's about time where have you been girls you know how I worry about you when you don't come straight home from school But we did mom you just can't get across venture a boulevard. That's all why don't you cross with the light There isn't any light at white oak and every time you try to cross the cars begin chasing you We keep running back and forth That's a way to do it don't give them a chance to aim just Don't they have a crosswalk at white oak, but it's all rubbed out how about the safety zone honey them things are pickup stations for the blue cross About the only way to get on the other side of Ventura boulevard is to be born there Well, what happened to that petition that Willie got up for a light at white oak didn't everybody sign it No, the city said the funds were all gone. Oh fine fine funds a big city like this And they can't shell out for one puny light. I know somebody can fix it sniffy sniffy She thinks he's so wonderful. He's a district attorney. Isn't he some district attorney? Wait a minute sniffy is the district attorney. How could a 15-year-old kid be a look honey It's boys week and sniffy's father appointed him honorary district attorney. Oh My boyfriend is the assistant fire chief some boyfriend and he can get a light faster than any old district attorney I bet you he can What good an old district attorney He isn't old and he's Pardon me, is this the content at our Let's come on in What's up? I could hear you clear down a driveway Uncle Ellie, it isn't a district attorney better than a fire chief assistant fire chief. All right girls. That's even work It isn't okay. That doesn't up stairs the bolt of you You heard your father upstairs Not another word gee whiz you and your district attorney think he's so wonderful. He's better than your old fire chief Don't when trying out for what's my line Alice and I have something we'd like to discuss go ahead. I won't say anything I'll just listen Wait a minute, honey. Wait a minute Elliott. Hmm You know sometimes a married couple likes to be alone they do How would you like it if you were married to Alice and I was around all the time? Let's try it that way for a while Problem there's no traffic light at White Oak and Alice and Phyllis have a terrible time getting across the street Why don't they use the crosswalk because there isn't any crosswalk? Okay, let's paint now look galley and listen to me Wait a minute. You don't have to say a word to me, honey I promised you and I'm not getting mixed up in any more of his crazy ideas You don't have a good idea a three-year-old child can paint a white line. You see girl. It's right down our alley All we need is some paint a couple of brushes I got a feeling that something's gonna happen, but let's go paint some lines Oh Why look at them cars There must be a million look at them later. Will you we got to get these lines painted now? You start on this side now go across the street and we'll both work toward the metal got it got it and curly That guy almost killed me. Just see him snarl when he missed. Yeah Yeah Look Elliott, I'll start over here and you go across the street. Okay, and curly look out Why don't we just paint lines on this side Elliott we're supposed to paint a crosswalk all the way across if we only put lines on one side of the street It's no good We'll have all this paint left over Well, we could paint a couple of lines down the middle A straight one for men drivers and a zigzag one for lady drivers We're gonna paint a crosswalk. Okay. Let's start painting. All right now move over there about 10 feet And then we'll paint across together. Right. You just give me the notice. All right on your mark Get set Go curly. Let's talk this thing over. Okay If we can't get out into the road, we can't paint the lines Ken That seems like a reasonable supposition and every time we step off the curb we get chased by a car Right dead right That's what i'm afraid of Now there's only one sensible way to do this one of us has to paint and one of us has to act as a decoy A decoy Yeah, what's a decoy A decoy well Well, it's like look one of it stands in the middle of the road and the cars all aim at him So they don't notice the other guy Who is quietly painting You mean the guy that's out there ducking cars That's a decoy Yeah One of us You wouldn't have any ideas about which one of us Good luck Elliott So long curly Just remember i'm doing this for your wife and kids Your wife and kids Painting done curly. Well if it ain't crazy legs hers I Get that old fake rude. Yeah, man. You were spinning in and out. How's the painting coming along? Are you kidding? I didn't even get the brush wet Fine i'm getting chased all over the boulevard and you go to sleep on the job Are you kidding you weren't gone two seconds in two seconds? How could I get 10 years older? Now look let's try it again and try to stay out there a little longer Wait a minute wait wait wait curly just hold it now. What's the matter? I got a better idea We dig a tunnel Elliott It's a very practical idea. I don't know about curly Do they have crosswalks over the Hudson river? No, do they have tunnels under the Hudson river? Well sure then why ain't it a good idea? I ain't said it wasn't I ain't said it wasn't I just don't think that alice is gonna like it. That's all she liked the crosswalk, didn't she? And this is better believe me. Well, I don't know Elliott. Where are you going? You stay right there curly. I gotta borrow a pick and shovel We went with telephone wires Now if there was electric wires leading to an rca victor television set with a 27 inch screen That'd be different You mean rca victor television sets work good in tunnels? Good they even work in a cave Peter the hermit's got one in every room But these are telephone wires so I chop them out right right. Okay chop chop. Hello officer Beautiful night, and then you and your friend lost something. Oh, no. No, we just taking a hole. Hey curly Here's the wire. Okay toss it out. Yep. Atta boy. Hey curly. I gotta rest for a minute. I Oh, hello officer. Would you mind telling me exactly what you're doing? Well, when we started we were painting the crosswalk It peed under the ground. No, no, no. No, you see my friend here explained to me that they didn't have any crosswalks Over the Hudson river, but they had lots of tunnels. So we decided to dig one Oh, this is going to be a tunnel under the Hudson river. Is that it? You've got a great sense of you already. No, no, hold it sir. Look Get sharp as a biscuit. No, look, uh, you uh, you don't understand officer You see I've got two little girls and they have to cross the road But there's no lie there. So we're digging a tunnel instead You're digging a tunnel under venture aboard of eye We could build the bridge but a tunnel so much more practical especially when it rains Well, you keep digging your tunnel boys. I've got to make me call into the station Yeah, all right. So long officer. It was nice talking to you. Yeah, you come back any time Hey, he was a nice guy, wasn't he? Hello, Kim. This is Mike. Send the wagon. I've got a couple of doodies I'll only stay a few minutes. All right, Mrs. Harris. You'll find your husband and sell two That's the bridal suite. Thank you The bridal suite? Yes, ma'am. That has twin straight jackets Oh, Phil, you were supposed to paint two little lines. Honey, honey, it's all a mistake I'll be out the first thing in the morning. If they hadn't taken away the pick and shovel We could have been out of here tonight Brought your pajamas and your toothbrush. Oh, thanks, honey, but it's not that bad. This ain't a bad jail It's nice and warm Well, I'd better go Phil. Can't you stay a few more minutes? But the girl... No sense going out in the cold when you could stay here in a nice comfortable jail Well, Phil, I ought to go home. Honey, please I simply can't stay But maybe it's cold outside I've got to go away But maybe it's cold outside This evening has been Then hope that you drop things So very warm I'll hold your hands there just like I My mother will start to worry Beautiful, what's your purpose? My mother will be pacing the floor Listen to the fireplace roll So really, I'd better stay Beautiful, please don't cry Well, maybe just a half a drink for Putting some records off while I fall But maybe it's bad out there Hey, what's in this thing? No cabs to be had out there I wish I knew how Your eyes are like starlight now I'll take your hat, your hair I ought to say no, no, no, sir Mind if I move in closer At least I'm gonna say that I try What's the sense of hurting my pride? I really can't stay here Baby, don't hold out Baby, it's cold outside I simply must go Baby, it's cold outside The answer is no Baby, it's cold outside The welcome has been How lucky that you've dropped in So nice and warm My sister will be suspicious My brother will be there at the door Waves are on the tropical shelf My maiden aunt's mind is vicious Your lips are delicious Well, maybe just a cigarette Never such a bliss if they don't I've gotta get home Baby, you freeze out there It's up to your knees out there You've really been great I thrill when you touch my hand But don't you see How can you do this thing to me? They're bound to be Talk tomorrow Think about my lifelong vow At least there will be plenty implied If you caught pneumonia I really can't stay Baby, it's cold outside What's wrong with digging a tunnel? Quiet over there! Yes, sir! This will call to the law standard to District 32. The Honorable Robert Anderson Poseidon is now in session. Be seated. Ladies and gentlemen, as you know this is boys' week and so assisting me on the bench will be a representative elected to this office by the student body of the Encino High School. My colleague and associate the Honorable Julius Abruzio Julius See, Judge Abruzio? Yes, Your Honor. First is Phil Harris, Nellie at Lewis. Charge destroying public property. Judge Abruzio, may I confer with you for one moment? Judge Abruzio, before we sentence the defendants don't you think it might be a good idea to hold the trial? Judge, I know these guys! We'd be letting them... On the grounds that he's a revelant in material and in constitutional. According to the 21st Amendment that repeals prohibition. Yeah, wasn't that a beauty? Julius, you wouldn't do a thing like that, would ya? Abruzio, shall we proceed? Do we have to? Julius, the courts of this country are designed to protect the innocent as well as to punish the wrongdoer. In our democracy, every man is deemed innocent until proven guilty. Well, let's prove him guilty and get it over with. You're a resting officer, Your Honor. Hiya, Mike! Oh, Julius? Oh, we're in great shape. Proceed, Your Honor. Mike! Proceed, Judge Abruzio. Mike! Are you implying that these men have been known to indulge? Indulge! Yes, sir. I recognize the spirit which prompted your action. Recognize it, you can follow me! But we cannot have the people taking matters into their own hands. After all, what would we have if everyone decided to dig his own tunnel? Live pedestrians! He broke it. I'm afraid the court can do nothing but find you both guilty as charged. But, Your Honor... Judge Abruzio will pass sentence. Judge Abruzio, the penalty in a case of this type is generally a fine. You mean a charge? I'm afraid not. According to my calculations, we need another $210. $210? For what? Now, wait a minute! That's 500 bucks for digging one little hole? Not exactly. That's 500 bucks to install one traffic light at Ventura and White Oaks. We'll be back in just a moment. You have a center aisle seat at the world's greatest concerts with a new RCA Victor High Fidelity Phonograph. This is the most important development in music since the invention of recorded sound. Until now, much of the music may never have come through your phonograph. But RCA Victor High Fidelity makes you hear virtually all the sound in the record. Now you can enjoy music with all the wrappings off. You can get all the overtones here each note, as though you were right there in the concert hall. The secret is a new concept in acoustic design. A concept built into a table model phonograph, little more than a foot in height, width, and depth. But, hearing is believing. So, treat your ears to a demonstration of true high fidelity at your RCA Victor dealer. Here the new High Fidelity Phonograph by RCA Victor. First in recorded music. This is Phil again. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen and boys and girls, we've tried to have a little fun with the traffic problem, and we hope we gave you a few laughs. But we'd also like to remind you that the holiday season is coming up, and that means a lot of added traffic on foot and in cars. So let's all try to take it a little easy, especially around the schools. We're going to have a real happy holiday this year. Good night, everyone. Say good night to people, honey. Good night, everybody. That's my girl. Included in this program transcribe were Douglas Dumbrill, Dick Elliott, and Dick Ryan. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tedlich. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. That's Buddy Morrow and his trombone production from The Big Beat. It's great new RCA Victor album with four rhythmic hits, including Memphis Drag and Beale Street Mama. On 45 extended play, this new Buddy Morrow album cost about $1.40. Listen to The Big Beat at your RCA Victor record dealers now. Union the All-Star review this Saturday on NBC TV. The show will star Phil Harris with his guest, Anne Sheridan, Michael O'Shea, Mary McCarty, Edward Edward Horton, the Browns Van and Red Nichols in his five pennies. Also, a surprise guest. This Saturday night, the All-Star review. The Harris Face show is transcribed. Hear the voice of Firestone's Gala Anniversary show Monday on the NBC Radio