 Sitting here in the front. She is Singapore's foremost sexologist She's the author of few books love sex and everything between as well as orgasmic yoga very recently I think she's working on her third one at the moment Yeah, you ready okay. Oh and the timer. She's very keen to stay on the timer Okay, who needs control I'm not gonna try to project my voice and so I just want your help. What's this word over here? No, just just Louder This part f u c k No, no, no, just just F u c k Okay, I'm not gonna continue if you guys don't say this word So everybody Where are you? Okay, great. So let's do it together. Okay, one two three So I'm a sexologist. I I love fucking I Really do I really do and that's why I became a sexologist in the first place I got sick and tired of all these negative messages that I was hearing about sex all the time and I decided to stand up for sex and And Yeah, I suck Right, okay, so okay, and This is terrible We need to go back Okay, so I have three f words that I really like the first one you already know and I've also been told that my workshops are really fun and I'm quite funny I try to be I like laughing and like maybe making people laugh and A big part of making people laugh is Because I even though I really love fucking And this is my work I I don't really take myself that seriously because I really truly believe that sex is supposed to be fun and When you approach something that you are very passionate about So seriously people get scared and so I I'm because I believe it should also be fun So people just think I'm funny I'm not really that funny actually, but you're allowed to laugh and I have a problem with the thing again because I keep pressing the wrong thing and this shouldn't happen Because I keep going back Yeah, so that's that's a big pickup as you can see and Yeah, I need counseling Okay, so yes, I'm back up. No, I'm not I This is not even funny Okay, I'm just going to use this Okay Yeah, I'm really not good with that thing Okay, so why I became a sexologist I already mentioned I love sex and I love helping people and Was what even better than that getting paid for it That's why I do it and people ask me again and again and again And I always tell them the same answers and they don't believe me. They want to hear the long story so that when they ask me I just say I do what I do because I love helping people and then Sometimes I just say I do it because I love sex. I haven't gotten to I Do it because I just want to be paid. It's not true because if I wanted to be just paid for what I do I think that Lots of things that I can be doing that would earn me far more and That's not what I do. What that's not why I do what I do Okay, so three job misconceptions that I face again and again and this really started when I started be Becoming a sec announcing to the world that I'm a sexologist. I really didn't know what to expect because I'm the first one in Singapore So I really didn't know what to expect and then I would get someone Booking an appointment and sound very official and serious and serious and I'm really happy I have this new client and then they end off with so what oil will you be using? So I don't do any touch on nudity in my work. I definitely don't sleep with my clients using my body and I definitely don't sleep with them to teach them anything because I really believe that there are many ways you can teach someone without using your body and I also believe that sex is sacred and I'm not going to use my body and allow Myself to be penetrated knowing how sacred sex is and so I do anything but have sex with my clients and Actually, that has helped me in my work because Singapore is a very conservative Society in a lot of ways and if I had done it not that I have issues with people who do it I have lots of friends who do it and colleagues who do it and I respect them for it But I am not going to do it not because I have a issue with people who choose to do sex work But because I believe that that's not what is right for me So misconceptions so some of fucked up beliefs that I actually learned along the years because I've been doing this Work for seven years and it hasn't been easy. The first one is people always Think that as long as you follow your passion, everything will be easy. I followed my passion and I am still Living month by month every month. I worry. Am I going to earn enough to survive this month? And it has been seven years try doing something like what I'm doing for seven years Worrying every month for seven years. Am I going to earn enough money for this month? Let's not even talk about next month To Because you're passionate about what you do you try to do everything and I was doing that because I don't have much money I'm an entrepreneur. I do everything and passion is supposed to drive it all That's fucked up Don't try to do it all don't try to do everything yourself the moment you Start a business try to get out of the business Try to get people to hire you your friends try to be sustainable and not have to do this Thing for seven years and worry about it every month three I'm good at certain things that I didn't even know I was good at I Am not a very patient person by nature but when I have someone who is in pain in front of me and I Feel for them. I want to give them everything. I want to pour my heart Everything I don't even care how much I'm in pain. I just want to help them in the shortest fastest amount of time So they can get out of it move on with their lives. I am good at what I'm doing. I am very good I have had so much education gotten so much training. I am good But the problem is when you only focus on what you're good at the other things that you're not good at Oh, I'm sorry. That's me Yeah, so I'm not very good at sales. So maybe you guys can help me and Two years ago, I had this guy come up to me He wanted to collaborate with me and then he just kind of passing remark made a lot of sweeping statements But one of the things that he said was surely I'm more ambitious than that What the fuck are you to tell me who I am like I went and got this dog trade I wanted to start this practice. I have started this practice. I am running my practice I'm doing it the way I want. I am an entrepreneur. I don't report to anybody I can find my clients if I want and you telling me that I should be more ambitious. Fuck you Fuck you And then I thought about it Actually, what do I want now that I have fulfilled my ambition now that I'm an entrepreneur And I got all the things I wanted all the things I ever dreamed of start my own practice Help people do it my way. Everybody fuck off He had a point and I realized actually I didn't know what else I wanted. I never thought about it I was to be busy getting out of my for a long time a depression because I Was married and then I separated from my ex-husband and then finally got divorced last year And that actually took a toll on my emotions And so I really didn't think about being ambitious because come on a lot of people Just start something because they're passionate about it and they want to help people and save the world But they don't really have a strategy. They don't really think about an exit they don't really think about what will happen if they get burnt out and So these are three energy drainers for me the first one is oh your sexologist shouldn't you be very sexy? Oh your sexologist whoa, you're the sexy sexologist and then for a while I was very upset about being expected to be sexy and then I tried fighting it and I and and and then I realized that actually I was not doing myself any favors because I didn't feel good and It's less about what they think about me. It's also about how I feel about myself a second passive aggressive people So what I mean is not my clients because they can do whatever they want I don't really care because I just want to help them they can cry they can scream You know whatever I can put out with it because that's all they're paying me and the next thing is because they're in pain So I can put out with a lot of things But what I cannot put out is with is with people who claim to be my friends and then say it by the way Can you explain to me how to get a g-sport orgasm? Wow, that's a session You know you're trying to get a session out of me So I try to say something like pretty vague and I like no no no no tell me tell me teach me teach me now No, no no no no And then I have people who tell me oh Why your sexologist? I want you to be my friend. Okay. Okay. Now. I'm your friend And then it's like oh now that your friend tell me tell me what's your favorite position? What's your favorite favorite this what's your favorite favorite that what do you think about men who are this this And so they're really trying to oh That's people user. Sorry. Yeah Okay saving grace so there are three things that actually really saved me when I was married My ex-husband really wanted me to take an off day and I didn't take it off day for two years When I take my first off day that was and I realized oh, wow. I really feel so much freer. I feel So much more energized and happy and rested and I'm actually more productive so because I like my off day so I had two off days and I ended up not taking two off days because I'm a worker holly So I end up playing for one day and I feel so guilty because I played then I'll start Having the second off day to actually work. So what I do is I started doing chunking In chunking what I do is today the second day of my off day is my admin day So everybody fuck off I'm going to sit down and I'm going to do all the things that I wish I could have done if I wasn't running around like A mad dog or chicken without my head Helping everybody right like somebody will want me 12 somebody want me at night some but you know and then it doesn't feel good because I'm running around all the time And so chunking really helped me and the third thing that really helped me was having friends who are not people users friends who Really really really love me unconditionally short on my events. I don't pay them. They help me They tell me how much they love me they put out with my nonsense They put out with my passive aggressive behavior. They put put out with me blaming and all kinds of other things Ultimately my friends are real true gems that I really really value so much and if not for them And sometimes calling my bluff and telling me okay, mother. That's enough You know, I don't I don't think I would have been this anchored The next thing is so last year I got burnt out after seven years of Doing everything myself and feeling stressed all the time about money and not having a man and I'm feeling unattractive and getting depressed like Okay, I've been through quite a few rounds Being burnt out was new I Was a bit confused because I didn't feel like I had energy and yet I wasn't sad about my life I just didn't feel like doing any work that's all and This just dragged on and I thought that if I just was Patient and just sit with it and be in the flow and just take the rest I need then everything will work out No, it just dragged on for months So I would say for most of last year I was burnt out and I didn't even know what burnt out was right because I love my work So much. So how can you love your work so much? Enjoy it help the world and then be burnt out So that was very very strange for me because I was so confused and exercise didn't help So you I so one of the things that helped me was patience the second thing was just do something Being patient wasn't enough sleeping more didn't help watching more TV didn't help a reading didn't help do something so I started to do the things that actually made me feel joyful and When I started to do that my heart softened and I suddenly found myself crying and then I realized I Just be so tired for so long With nobody really helping me being so scared all the time that I really forgot to play and when you're at that level You really need to come back to taking care of yourself and just Stop trying to save the world and really treat yourself as the precious person you need to be and That's really so important when you when you are being fucked around and you feel fucked up and You're not doing enough fucking maybe So yeah now questions Okay, so yeah, so yeah, I do have this conclusion. Wait, wait, wait, stop stop stop stop. So wait you can clap later So when you feel fucked up Do not this is my message. I don't have like this take away message thing So when you feel fucked up and your life is truly truly fucked up Do not ever Do not ever dumb down Because that's when you feel I'm a loser. I'm nothing to contribute. I'm a piece of shit I'm a loser and this just goes on and on and on and on and it's just a downward spiral So don't let your fuck ups your past Affect you so much so that you dumb down and you got this stupid little thing and like oh I'm just one person. I can't save the world I can't save the world. Well the more you go on with such things you really truly become fucked up Yeah, I think this is a part you tell me how much you love me and you're going to send clients to me I cannot hear you Yeah, you're talking about embracing your shadow so you can embrace your deepest darkest moments but don't ever think that you're stupid and Stop trying. I think that's my whole point. I think I have been through a lot of dark moments moments that are So dark that I didn't even know how I survived but I just kept telling myself You know what if shit happens then it's just make you stronger that things happen for a reason and a really if you're at the crossroads and you can choose being negative or positive about it You may not really feel very positive, but you just need to know that If you choose the other way go on this downward spiral then it really is the easier way and You stop being who you really are meant to be So I have this big big big belief That I'm I'm really here. I'm here at this moment Not here here like fucked up nights, but like here on earth to help people So if the more I wellow on myself PD and all that stuff then I'm not helping one more person. So that's just part of the fucked up, but don't dumb down I Am am I happy now? Yes So I just finished this prolonged sex date with myself where I Prolonged sex date with myself so you can read it on my blog Yeah, it's a really long blog post and essentially I went through two a4 batteries and basically played with myself for 15 hours and and I Wasn't doing it to like create some world record But because I truly believe that our orgasmic energy is a very powerful energy within ourselves And as a sexologist, I was going to use this sexual energy to really heal myself and love myself in the way that I never did before and That really taught me a lot that experience. I had a epiphany So you can read about it because I sure some of you may have other questions So with services services like tender right you think it helps or make sex worse So there are people who are on Tinder to hook up and they are on Tinder to make a friend and there are people on Tinder to look for a relationship and I'm on Tinder actually and When people say they want to meet up to have a one-night stand or fling I don't judge anybody who wants to do that. I just don't want to do that so I'm okay with making a friend and So I believe that any apps can be used for good or for other purposes It's really your choice. I think a lot of people think that just because somebody wants to have sex with you or somebody Likes you or some you know like pressurizes you for sex you have to say yes So I don't feel any more less powerful just because I'm on Tinder and somebody asked me for sex and I say no I don't let their abuse Get to me personally because I'm just standing on my up for myself as you know, so I don't really see like the problem is tinder I don't really see it that way I Not masturbating to escape being in a relationship or masturbating because I'm Depressed I'm using it to love myself in a different way You can masturbate to porn you can masturbate to yourself in a very mindful way and Both of them you get what you want, which is you have an orgasm perhaps But the way you do it is very different the intention behind it is different so when I go on my when went on this prolonged sex date with myself and Use sexual energy to heal myself and to love myself in the way that I never have It really helped me to really truly understand the link with that and with happiness Yes So I really truly value all the ups and downs in my personal life because They helped me to ask deeper questions of who am I what do I want what would make me happy and every time I became stronger for it my work became better and Every time I was working through something. I started attracting clients were also working through similar issues so when I was working on my femininity and you know like get out of my yoga pens and Really work and be comfortable with being a woman and being an attractive woman When I worked on that I attracted women who wanted to work on their femininity So I really believe that there was no coincidence what was happening in my personal life was also happening in my professional life And and and so people like to compartmentalize things and and say that's work life balance I really want to say that people who are not in integrity in their Professional personal lives are also not in integrity usually in another area So I I'm a true strong believer of not asking people to do what I myself would not do I don't tell people to exercise if I don't exercise I don't tell people to do affirmations or masturbate or love themselves if I can do it So I I do it because I really see and I have heard again again again all my clients were benefited and you know Like he'll so quickly because because they they they felt that I was genuine and They saw me as a role model. So I'm the sex role model for them That they don't they don't see in their friends and they can't talk about sex with other people So when they hear me talk about sex in such a positive way and that I embrace it I'm so comfortable with it. They start to realize. Oh, there's actually somebody who is like that maybe one day I can be like matter and That to me is why one of my big Actually, my clients are my big inspiration or why I continue work on myself because I want to I want to be not just effective in the time That I'm with them How can I be the most effective in the time that I'm with them by being not just in what I say But in my being my being in my essence in every single thing in every poor that I really really believe that sex is important wonderful fun sacred and That we should own our sexuality and continue working on our sexuality Continue healing our hearts continue learning how to love ourselves before telling other people to love themselves So if I did that that I would be a hypocrite