 A DOG'S TAIL by Mark Twain, Chapter 1. My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian. This is what my mother told me, I do not know these nice distinctions myself. To me they are only fine large words meaning nothing. My mother had a fondness for such. She liked to say them and see other dogs look surprised and envious as wondering how she got so much education. But indeed it was not real education, it was only show. She got the words by listening in the dining room and drawing room when there was company and by going with the children to Sunday school and listening there. And whenever she heard a large word she said it over to herself many times and so was able to keep it until there was a dogmatic gathering in the neighborhood then she would get it off and surprise and distress them all from pocket pup to mastiff which rewarded her for all her trouble. If there was a stranger he was nearly sure to be suspicious and when he got his breath again he would ask her what it meant. And she always told him he was never expecting this but thought he would catch her so when she told him he was the one that looked a shame whereas he had thought it was going to be she. The others were always waiting for this and glad of it and proud of her for they knew what was going to happen because they had had experience. When she told the meaning of a big word they were also taken up with admiration that it never occurred to any dog to doubt if it was the right one. And that was natural because for one thing she answered up so promptly that it seemed like a dictionary speaking and for another thing where could they find out whether it was right or not for she was the only cultivated dog there was. By and by when I was older she brought home the word unintellectual one time and worked it pretty hard all the week at different gatherings making much unhappiness and despondency. And it was at this time that I noticed that during that week she was asked for the meaning at eight different assemblages and flashed out a fresh definition each time which showed me that she had more presence of mind than culture though I said nothing of course. She had one word which she always kept on hand and ready like a life preserver a kind of emergency word to strap on when she was likely to get washed overboard in a sudden way that was the word synonymous. When she happened to fetch out a long word which had had its day weeks before and its prepared meanings gone to her dump pile if there was a stranger there of course it knocked him groggy for a couple of minutes then he would come to and by that time she would be away downwind on another tack and not expecting anything. So when he'd hail and ask her to cash in I the only dog on the inside of her game could see her canvas flicker a moment but only just a moment then it would belly out taught and full and she would say as calm as a summer's day its synonymous with super irrigation or some godless long reptile of a word like that and go placidly about and skim away on the next tack perfectly comfortable you know and leave that stranger looking profane and embarrassed and the initiated slating the floor with their tails in unison and their faces transfigured with a holy joy and it was the same with phrases she would drag home a whole phrase if it had a grand sound and play it six nights and two matinees and explain it a new way every time which she had to for all she cared for was the phrase she wasn't interested in what it meant and knew those dogs hadn't wit enough to catch her anyway yes she was a daisy she got so she wasn't afraid of anything she had such confidence in the ignorance of those creatures she even brought anecdotes that she had heard the family and the dinner guests laugh and shout over and as a rule she got the nub of one chestnut hitched on to another chestnut where of course it didn't fit and hadn't any point and when she delivered the nub she fell over and rolled on the floor and laughed and barked in the most insane way while I could see that she was wondering to herself why it didn't seem as funny as it did when she first heard it but no harm was done the others rolled and barked to privately ashamed of themselves for not seeing the point and never suspecting that the fault was not with them and there wasn't any to see you can see by these things that she was of a rather vain and frivolous character still she had virtues and enough to make up I think she had a kind heart and gentle ways and never harbored resentments for injuries done her but put them easily out of her mind and forgot them and she taught her children her kindly way and from her we learned also to be brave and prompt in time of danger and not to run away but face the peril that threatened friend or stranger and help him the best we could without stopping to think what the cost might be to us and she taught us not by words only but by example and that is the best way and the surest and the most lasting why the brave thing she did the splendid things she was just a soldier and so modest about it well you couldn't help admiring her and you couldn't help imitating her not even a King Charles Spaniel could remain entirely despicable in her society so as you see there was more to her than her education end of chapter one this recording by Aaron Elliott St. Louis Missouri a dog's tale by Mark Twain chapter two this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or how to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org chapter two when I was well grown at last I was sold and taken away and I never saw her again she was broken hearted and so was I and we cried but she comforted me as well as she could and said we were sent into this world for a wise and good purpose and must do our duties without repining take our life as we might find it live it for the best good of others and never mind about the results they were not our affair she said men who did like this would have a noble and beautiful reward by and by in another world and although we animals would not go there to do well and write without reward would give to our brief lives a worthiness and dignity which in itself would be a reward she had gathered these things from time to time when she had gone to the Sunday school with the children and had laid them up in her memory more carefully than she had done with those other words and phrases and she had studied them deeply for her good and ours one may see by this that she had a wise and thoughtful head for all there was so much lightness and vanity in it so we said our farewells and looked our last upon each other through our tears and the last thing she said keeping it for the last to make me remember it the better I think was in memory of me when there is a time of danger to another do not think of yourself think of your mother and do as she would do do you think I could forget that no end of chapter two this recording by Aaron Elliott St. Louis Missouri a dog's tale by Mark Twain chapter three this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or how to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org chapter three it was such a charming home my new one a fine great house with pictures and delicate decorations and rich furniture and no gloom anywhere but all the wilderness of dainty colors lit up with flooding sunshine and the spacious grounds around it and the great garden oh Greensward and noble trees and flowers no end and I was the same as a member of the family and they loved me and petted me and did not give me a new name but called me by my old one that was dear to me because my mother had given it me Aileen Malvernine she got it out of a song and the Grace knew that song and said it was a beautiful name Mrs. Gray was 30 and so sweet and so lovely you cannot imagine it and Sadie was 10 and just like her mother just a darling slender little copy of her with Auburn tails down her back and short frocks and the baby was a year old and plump and dimpled and fond of me and never could get enough of hauling on my tail and hugging me and laughing out its innocent happiness and Mr. Gray was 38 and tall and slender and handsome a little bald in front alert quick in his movements businesslike prompt decided unsentimental and with that kind of trim chiseled face that just seems to glint and sparkle with frosty intellectuality he was a renowned scientist I do not know what the word means but my mother would know how to use it and get effects she would know how to depress a rat terrier with it and make a lapdog look sorry he came but that is not the best one the best one was laboratory my mother could organize a trust on that one that would skin the tax collectors off the whole herd the laboratory was not a book or a picture or a place to wash your hands in as the college president's dog said no that is the lavatory the laboratory is quite different and is filled with jars and bottles and electrics and wires and strange machines and every week other scientists came there and sat in the place and used the machines and discussed and made what they called experiments and discoveries and often I came to and stood around and listened and tried to learn for the sake of my mother and in loving memory of her although it was a pain to me as realizing what she was losing out of her life and I gained nothing at all for try as I might I was never able to make anything out of it at all other times I lay on the floor in the mistress's work room and slept she gently using me for footstool knowing it pleased me for it was a caress other times I spent an hour in the nursery and got well tousled and made happy other times I watched by the crib there when the baby was asleep and the nurse out for a few minutes on the baby's affairs other times I romped and raced through the grounds and the garden with Sadie till we were tired out then slumbered on the grass in the shade of a tree while she read her book other times I went visiting among the neighbor dogs for there were some most pleasant ones not far away and one very handsome and courteous and graceful one a curly haired irish setter by the name of Robin Adair who was a presbyterian like me and belonged to the scotch minister the servants in our house were all kind to me and were fond of me and so as you see mine was a pleasant life there could not be a happier dog that I was nor a grateful one I will say this for myself for it is only the truth I tried in all ways to do well and write and honor my mother's memory and her teachings and earned the happiness that had come to me as best I could by and by came my little puppy and then my cup was full my happiness was perfect it was the dearest little waddling thing and so smooth and soft and velvety and had such cunning little awkward paws and such affectionate eyes and such a sweet and innocent face and it made me so proud to see how the children and their mother adored it and fondled it and exclaimed over every little wonderful thing it did it did seem to me that life was just too lovely too then came the winter one day I was standing a watch in the nursery that is to say I was asleep on the bed the baby was asleep in the crib which was alongside the bed on the side next the fireplace it was the kind of crib that has a lofty tent over it made of gauzy stuff that you can see through the nurse was out and we two sleepers were alone a spark from the wood fire was shot out and it lit on the slope of the tent I suppose a quiet interval followed then a scream from the baby awoke me and there was that tent flaming up toward the ceiling before I could think I sprang to the floor in my fright and in a second was halfway to the door but in the next half second my mother's farewell was sounding in my ears and I was back on the bed again I reached my head through the flames and dragged the baby out by the waistband and tugged it along and we fell to the floor together in a cloud of smoke I snatched a new hold and dragged the screaming little creature along and out at the door and around the bend of the hall and was still tugging away all excited and happy and proud when the master's voice shouted be gone you cursed beast and I jumped to save myself but he was furiously quick and chased me up striking furiously at me with his cane I dodged this way and that in terror and at last a strong blow fell upon my left foreleg which made me shriek and fall for the moment helpless the cane went up for another blow but never descended for the nurse's voice rang wildly out the nurse resumed fire and the master rushed away in that direction and my other bones were saved the pain was cruel but no matter I must not lose any time he might come back at any moment so I limped on three legs to the other end of the hall where there was a dark little stairway leading up into a garret where old boxes and such things were kept as I had heard say and where people seldom went I managed to climb up there then I searched my way through the dark among the piles of things and hid in the secretest place I could find it was foolish to be afraid there yet still I was so afraid that I held in and hardly even whimpered though it would have been such a comfort to whimper because that eases the pain you know but I could lick my leg and that did some good for half an hour there was a commotion downstairs and shouting and rushing footsteps and then there was quiet again quiet for some minutes and that was grateful to my spirit for then my fears began to go down and fears are worse than pains oh much worse then came a sound that froze me they were calling me calling me by name hunting for me it was muffled by distance but that could not take the terror out of it and it was the most dreadful sound to me that I had ever heard it went all about everywhere down there along the halls through all the rooms in both stories and in the basement and the cellar then outside and farther and farther away then back and all about the house again and I thought it would never never stop but at last it did hours and hours after the vague twilight of the garret had long ago been blotted out by black darkness then in that blessed stillness my terrors fell little by little away and I was at peace and slept it was a good rest I had but I woke before the twilight had come again I was feeling fairly comfortable and could think out a plan now I made a very good one which was to creep down all the way down the back stairs and hide behind the cellar door and slip out and escape when the ice man came at dawn while he was inside filling the refrigerator then I would hide all day and start on my journey when night came my journey to well anywhere where they would not know me and betray me to the master I was feeling almost cheerful now then suddenly I thought why what would life be without my puppy that was despair there was no plan for me I saw that I must stay where I was stay and wait and take what might come it was not my affair that was what life is my mother had said it then well then the calling began again all my sorrows came back I said to myself the master will never forgive I did not know what I had done to make him so bitter and so unforgiving yet I judged it was something a dog could not understand which was clear to a man and dreadful they called and called days and nights it seemed to me so long that the hunger and thirst near drove me mad and I recognized that I was getting very weak when you are this way you sleep a great deal and I did once I woke in an awful fright it seemed to me that the calling was right there in the garret and so it was it was Sadie's voice and she was crying my name was falling from her lips all broken poor thing and I could not believe my ears for the joy of it when I heard her say come back to us oh come back to us and forgive it is also sad without our I broke in with such a grateful little yelp and the next moment Sadie was plunging and stumbling through the darkness and the lumber and shouting for the family to hear she's found she's found the days that followed well they were wonderful the mother and Sadie and the servants why they just seemed to worship me they couldn't seem to make me a bed that was fine enough and as for food they couldn't be satisfied with anything but game and delicacies that were out of season and every day the friends and neighbors flocked into here about my heroism that was the name they called it by and it means agriculture I remember my mother pulling it on a kennel once and explaining it in that way but didn't say what agriculture was except that it was synonymous with intramural incandescence and a dozen times a day mrs gray and Sadie would tell the tale to newcomers and say I risked my life to save the babies and both of us had burns to prove it and then the company would pass me around and pet me and exclaim about me and you could see the pride in the eyes of Sadie and her mother and when the people wanted to know what made me limp they looked ashamed and changed the subject and sometimes when people hunted them this way and that way with questions about it it looked to me as if they were going to cry and this was not all the glory no the master's friends came by a whole 20 of the most distinguished people and had me in the laboratory and discussed me as if I was a kind of discovery and some of them said it was wonderful in a dumb beast the finest exhibition of instinct they could call to mind but the master said with vehemence it's far above instinct its reason and many a man privileged to be saved and go with you and me to a better world might right of its possession has less of it than this poor silly quadruped that's four ordained to perish and then he laughed and said why look at me I'm a sarcasm bless you with all my grand intelligence the only thing I inferred was that the dog had gone mad and was destroying the child whereas but for the beast's intelligence its reason I tell you the child would have perished they disputed and disputed and I was the very center of subject of it all and I wished my mother could know that this grand honor had come to me it would have made her proud then they discussed optics as they called it and whether a certain injury to the brain would produce blindness or not but they could not agree about it and said they must test it by experiment by and by and next they discussed plants and that interested me because in the summer Sadie and I had planted seeds I helped her dig the holes you know and after days and days a little shrub or a flower came up there and it was a wonder how that could happen but it did and I wished I could talk I would have told those people about it and shown them how much I knew and been all alive with the subject but I didn't care for the optics it was dull and when they came back to it again it bored me and I went to sleep pretty soon it was spring and sunny and pleasant and lovely and the sweet mother and the children padded me and the puppy goodbye and went away on a journey and a visit to their kin and the master wasn't any company for us but we played together and had good times and the servants were kind and friendly so we got along quite happily and counted the days and waited for the family and one day those men came again and said now for the test and they took the puppy to the laboratory and I limped three-leggedly along to feeling proud for any attention shown to the puppy was a pleasure to me of course they discussed and experimented and then suddenly the puppy shrieked and they set him on the floor and he went staggering around with his head all bloody and the master clapped his hands and shouted there I've won confess it he's as blind as a bat and they all said it's so you've proved your theory and suffering humanity owes you a great debt from hess forth and they crowded around him and wrung his hand cordially and thankfully and praised him but I hardly saw or heard these things for I ran at once to my little darling and snuggled close to it where it lay and licked the blood and it put its head against mine whimpering softly and I knew in my heart it was a comfort to it in its pain and trouble to feel its mother's touch though it could not see me then it dropped down presently and its little velvet nose rested upon the floor and it was still and did not move anymore soon the master stopped disgusting a moment and rang in the footmen and said bury it in the far corner of the garden and then went on with the discussion and I trotted after the foot man very happy and grateful for I knew the puppy was out of its pain now because it was asleep we went far down the garden to the farthest end where the children and the nurse and the puppy and I used to play in the summer in the shade of a great elm and there the footmen dug a hole and I saw he was going to plant the puppy and I was glad because it would grow and come up a fine handsome dog like robin a dare and be a beautiful surprise for the family when they came home so I tried to help him dig but my lame leg was no good being stiff you know and you have to have two or it's no use when the footmen had finished and covered little robin up he patted my head and there were tears in his eyes and he said poor little doggy you saved his child I have watched two whole weeks and he doesn't come up this last week a fright has been stealing upon me I think there is something terrible about this I do not know what it is but the fear makes me sick and I cannot eat though the servants bring me the best of food and they pet me so and even come in the night and cry and say poor doggy do give it up and come home don't break our hearts and all this terrifies me the more and makes me sure something has happened and I am so weak since yesterday I cannot stand on my feet anymore and within this hour the servants looking toward the sun where it was sinking out of sight and the night chill coming on said things I could not understand but they carried something cold to my heart those poor creatures they do not suspect they will come home in the morning and eagerly ask for the little doggy that did the brave deed and who of us will be strong enough to say the truth to them the humble little friend is gone where go the beasts that perish end of chapter three end of a dog's tale by mark twain this recording by erin elliott st louis missouri