 Good morning, Radiant Church. It's so good to be here. After all, they travel crazy to us. And I want to tell you what God did in my life almost 14 years ago, which I'm still stunned about. Because 14 years ago, I was a gay man living in Hollywood. And I was an atheist. And then I had this very, very unexpected encounter with God and my entire life changed in a split second. But let's go back to the beginning. And then after I talk about this, I want to address some kind of core questions surrounding this issue of LGBTQ, et cetera. But back when I was very young, fifth or sixth grade, I started to realize that I was attracted to the same sex, which is a very disorienting thing to happen. And back in the day, back in the 80s, it was very, very much. I grew up in Dallas, Texas. I was the youngest of eight kids in a very large family. And according to my family, according to the culture, according to my classmates, homosexuality was very, very, very taboo, very forbidden. So it was a strange experience to have this feeling. And so I had to keep this kind of deep, dark secret inside. But on the outside, I was very social. I was very popular in school. And I dated girls in seventh and eighth grade. I went study with girls in high school. I went to an all-boys high school, but I had three serious girlfriends in high school, all the while having this kind of internal thing going on where I was attracted to the same sex. So it was kind of this schizophrenia. It's like you have to live these two different lives. And things really changed for me in high school. I went to an all-boys high school, as I said. I ended up meeting someone when I was a junior and he was a sophomore who was going through the same thing I was. And one night, we came out to each other. And then the flood gates just opened. Because once that happened, we started exploring gay culture in Dallas. And we started going to gay bars. I was 15. He was 14. I'm not sure how we got into these bars. But we were very much welcomed in to these bars. And we were going to gay bars almost every night. And I was doing super well in school with my grades. So my parents were kind of oblivious to what was going on. Plus, I was the youngest of eight. So they were just kind of like tired by the time they got to me. But then I remember we went to this club one night. And it was called the Stark Club. And it was designed by the famous French designer, Philippe Stark. And it was a really beautiful club. And it was partly owned by Stevie Nicks, Grace Jones. And I remember walking into the Stark Club. And it was a whole mix of people. It was straight people, gay people, drag queens, and transsexual people. It was just like this whole kind of mix of misfits, of artists and misfits. And I remember walking in with my best friend. And I was just like, wow, these are my people. These people get who I am or what I'm going through. And I just started going to the Stark Club every night, every weekend night. And that was a big turning point for me. Because I felt very alienated from kind of my family and from God, because I felt very different from them. And the same thing happened. I went away to college. And I ended up becoming best friends with someone who was going through the same thing. We came out to each other. It was a very dramatic moment. Because back in high school and in college, I didn't think homosexual behavior was going to be a part of my life forever. I just thought, oh, this is what I'm feeling now. And eventually, after college, I'll get married to a woman, have a family. And so it was never my identity, really, until after college in Tokyo, of all places. It became my full-blown identity. And the way that happened was after college, I'd gotten accepted into law school and dental school. Don't ask why, but there was really weird things. But in my best friend in college, he was going through the same thing. He was going to go to law school. But we were like, let's just move to Tokyo for a year and figure out what we really want to do with our lives. Like, that's a place to go to figure that out. So we moved to Tokyo. And we had an amazing time there. I lived there for a year. And while I kind of like eight months into us being there, his friend from Texas came to visit us. This guy, we'll call him Adam. And Adam stayed with us for five days in our tiny shoebox apartment in the middle of Tokyo. And by the end of his stay, Adam and I had fallen in love. And that was the first time I had experienced that. It was the first time. And then we immediately got into a relationship for two years. And that was my first boyfriend. It was the first time I experienced that. And I was just like, whoa, this is amazing. And that's when homosexual behavior became my identity. And I just came out to everyone. I told all my friends. I told my family. Actually, my sister had written me a letter while I was in Tokyo asking if I was gay because she had her suspicions. And I wrote her this long missive back and said, blah, blah, blah. Yes, I'm gay. And I explained to her all the aspects of it. And I said, PS, please don't tell mom and dad. I'll tell them when I get home. But of course, she gets the letter and immediately runs to my parents and tells them, which I was kind of happy about. Because by the time I got back to Dallas at the end of that year, my whole family already knew. So she kind of did all the heavy lifting for me. I didn't have to have that awkward moment of mom, dad, I have to tell you something. So they already knew when I got back. And their reaction to me was so lovely. And my parents are, they're in heaven right now. But my parents were very strong believers. My siblings are all very strong believers. And they all believe that homosexual behavior is a sin. I knew that I was completely aware of that. But when I got back, the first night I got back, I walked into the kitchen and my mother was sitting at the kitchen table. And she started crying. And I knew why she was crying. And I was like, mom, what's wrong? And she said, well, I heard you're homosexual. And this was in 1992. And those were scary days, because AIDS was a real thing. And it was a death sentence. And I was terrified. And my mother, that was a big concern of hers. She was really afraid of that as well. And I just tried to allay her fears. And I was like, mom, don't worry. This is just who I am. It's not a big deal. And then so that was kind of the last. And I'll get to her later. But that was kind of the last we talked of it, really. And then the next day, my dad came up to me. I pulled up in the driveway. And he pulled up behind me. And he got out of the car. And he came up to me. He said, hey, Beck, I heard you're homosexual. And did I do anything wrong as a father? And he listed three kind of things that he did. And I was like, no, dad, it's not your fault. This is just who I am. And it actually turns out it probably was his fault. And distant father, overbearing mother, it's a recipe for disaster. But he had too many kids. I was whatever. I love him. He's his heaven. Who cares? So then I decided to. And my dad was so sweet about it. I mean, he was so nice and loving. Even over all the years, he was just so sweet to me. And then I decided to forgo grad schools. And I decided to move to Los Angeles to pursue writing and acting, which I do not recommend. And so when I got to LA, like I told my dad, two weeks before I was leaving for LA, I told my dad, my dad was a lawyer. And I said, I'm not going to law school. I'm going to move to LA. And he just was kind of like, he was baffled by it. He was like, what? And two weeks later, I loaded up my truck and moved to Beverly. And some of you know that reference. And so when I got to LA, I already had this built-in amazing group of friends who were all in the business, writers, actors, directors, producers. And they were all my friends of mine from the East Coast, from these Ivy League schools that had migrated West to Hollywood to make it in Hollywood. And it's funny, because that group of friends runs Hollywood now. They run the town. So if you ever watch Netflix or all that content, a lot of that stuff is from my old friends. And so when I got into this group, we all wanted the same things. And this group was like straight people, gay people. It was a whole mix, again, of people. And they were smart. They were funny. They were super ambitious. And we all wanted three things in this world. We all wanted to make it big in Hollywood, which they were doing. And it was crazy. I was watching my friends were becoming kind of unknown people to movie stars overnight. Like many driver was a close friend. And she was like living in my friend's apartment. And she had done kind of one movie with Chris O'Donnell. And then I think that's his name. And then she got the part in Goodwill Hunting with Matt Damon and became a movie star suddenly. And this was happening to all of my friends. Like a friend of mine directed a movie. And we were talking about, you know, we were at this diner in LA called Swingers. And he's like, oh, I'm going to direct a movie and call it Swingers. And then it became this giant phenomenon. And Marishka Hargitay was a good, I was her quote unquote best gay. And I drove her to her audition for Law and Order Special Victims Unit. And she got the part. So I think she owes me some royalties for that. Because she's been doing it for 23 years now, which is crazy. And so I was just watching my friends this happened. And it was in real time. And it was crazy to see. And so we wanted to make it big in Hollywood. We wanted to find true love. I cycled through five serious, serious boyfriends over the years, live-in boyfriends. It was almost like I was married and divorced five times. They were very intense. And the third thing we wanted was to have extraordinary experiences. And we were doing that in spades. Because everyone was in the business, we were always invited to movie premieres every Thursday night. And to the Oscars, the Emmys, the Golden Globes, the Grammys, all the after parties, the Governors Ball after the Oscars, the Vanity Fair party, the HBO parties. And so I was always kind of in this world and always at these parties. And I met everyone, knew everyone, was friends with all these people. And one night, Wintz was invited to Prince's house where he performed a concert in his backyard for three hours. And just these things were constantly happening. I would hang out at Paris Hilton's house and hang out at Drew Barrymore's house and swim in her pool every summer. She had the best pool in LA, best diving board. And so I would have dinner with Tom, Hanks, and Meryl Streep. And so I was just surrounded by these shiny objects. And God was never an option for me because I was gay. And so God, my whole friend group, not one time did we ever mention the word God. It was just assumed that God didn't exist and that the Bible was an ancient myth like any other ancient myth. We didn't even have to say it. And so this went on for many, many years, from 1993 to 2009. And starting in kind of 2008, 2009, the law of diminishing returns started to set in. And I just kind of was like, is that all there is to a fire? Is that all there is? And I just wanted to, I mean, obviously, everyone wants to know the meaning of life. And I really, I mean, I wanted to know the meaning of life. But again, God wasn't an option. So I looked for meaning in several things, not only relationships, for sure, but in art and in the theater. So I was obsessed. Art was my religion. Whenever I was in New York or London or Paris, I would spend every day at museums. And I loved contemporary art. I loved conceptual art. And I remember I was at the Pompidou Center in Paris. And this is how crazy I am. But there was an exhibition by Franz Klein. And the exhibition was three empty galleries with white painted walls. That was the exhibition. And I was like, this is amazing. I almost fainted when I saw it. I just was like, this is incredible. Negative space. And so art was my thing. And then whenever I would go to New York or London, I would, again, every night I would go to the theater to serious plays, not musicals. I wasn't into musicals. But I would go to serious plays by really, really serious playwrights, Tom Stoppard, Eugene O'Neill, Harold Pinter, Tony Kushner, who wrote Angels in America, which is a six-hour gay Fantasia with political themes is the subtitle of his play. And I saw both parts. I saw the first part of Tony Kushner's play in London and in the West End. And I saw the second part on Broadway. And I was just like, oh, this is brilliant. But I would always go to these plays thinking, like, oh, these guys are so smart. They're going to have some kind of access to the truth. And I'm going to understand the meaning of life. But I would always leave the theater frustrated because it would get so close to the truth, but then it would just evaporate. And I was like, ah, like what? And so I was just constantly in this kind of state of frustration. And it all came to a head in March of 2009 when I was at Paris Fashion Week. And I used to go to fashion weeks in New York and Paris all the time. And in that year, I was there. And I went to a bunch of the shows, the runway shows. And most of the shows have after parties. And I was at this one after party in the middle of Paris at this legendary club called Regine. And everyone from the fashion world was at this party. Kanye West was there. Just all the every designer was there. Stella McCartney was there. And I just remember everyone was dancing and drinking champagne. I was sitting on kind of this platform like this. I was sitting with Rachel Zoe and Roger, her husband. Rachel Zoe was a fashion girl who was on Bravo. And I was just like, I was sitting with them. And I stood up and I was drinking my champagne. And I looked out over the crowd. And everyone's dancing and having the best time. And I just felt this suddenly this overwhelming sense of, I can't do this anymore. This stuff has worked for me since high school. All this kind of shiny stuff has worked. And it sustained me. But it's not doing it for me anymore. I can't keep going to parties and dinner parties and award shows. This is not going to do it. And I was in a panic about my future. I'm like, what am I going to do for the rest of my life? How am I going to sustain myself? Am I going to be put out to pasture in Palm Springs like all other older gay men? Is that my fate, my future? And so I get back to LA a few days later. And at that point in my life, I was a production designer in the fashion world. So I did shoots for Vogue and Harvest of Bazaar. And I worked with actresses and pop stars and movie stars and on all these shoots. And I did ad campaigns for L'Oreal and for Gap and Nike and all these brands. And so I got back to LA. And I got really busy with work again. And when you're in that production world, it just takes all of your everything. It takes all of your time and energy. So I kind of forgot about that night in Paris. Cut to six months later, I'm at a coffee shop in Silver Lake called Intelligencia. And every weekend, my best friend who was also gay, he and I had the same kind of routine. We would go to brunch in Venice at our favorite little cafe, this beautiful cafe. Then we would drive across town to Beverly Hills or West Hollywood and go shopping, which is gay church, brunch and shopping. And then we would go to Intelligencia and have coffee and hang out all day. Because it was a very popular place. And people would come and go. We knew a lot of people there. So we would hang out. And that particular day, I think it was a Sunday, we're just having our normal conversation, talking about guys, whatever. And we suddenly, we look over and there's a table next to us with five young people at the table. There were five physical Bibles on the table. And we were shocked. I had never seen a Bible in public in LA in my life. Never. And I had never met a Christian in LA. So my friend loved to sort of engage in controversial conversation. And so he kept urging me to talk to them. I was like, no, I don't want to talk to them. And finally, he kept prodding me. And finally, I turned to them. It's like a Christian's fantasy come true. A gay atheist turns to you and says, hey, are you guys Christians? What's the gospel? That's literally what I said. It was so easy for them. So we got into this really long conversation for about an hour or two. And it was really interesting. And I said, look, what do you guys believe? I don't even remember what. Like, tell me about your faith. And we talked for a long time. And then I got to the $64,000 question. And I said, well, what? They told me they were evangelical Christians. And I said, well, what does your evangelical church in Hollywood believe about homosexuality? And they said, well, we believe it's a sin. And it was just so kind of a matter of fact and frank. And I wasn't surprised. I wasn't surprised by their response because I expected that. I was surprised by my response because a year before that, 10 years before that, I would have been like, you guys are insane and I'm leaving now. But because of that night in Paris six months before, I was open to hearing something different. And I had this flash of this moment of like, what if God does exist? I mean, there's a slim chance God exists. And what if homosexual behavior is a sin? And what if I've built my entire life on the false foundation and I don't know it? I mean, that is a possibility. So they invited me to their church the following Sunday. I said, look, I don't know. Just give me the address and I'll think about it this week. And because it was a big deal. I mean, if my other friends had found out that I had gone to this evangelical church, they would have thought I was insane. Evangelical Christians were the enemy like according to my friend group and according to, you know, everyone in LA basically. And so evangelicals were the enemy. So I was like going into enemy camp and the enemies camp and so I had a week to think about it and I was kind of going back and forth, back and forth. And I finally that Sunday morning rolls around and I wake up and I was just like, I guess I'm going to go to this thing. Like I had never been to an evangelical church. I didn't know what it was like and had no idea what to expect. And God in my car drove to meets in a high school auditorium on Sunset Boulevard. And I walked in and I was like, I heard the worship band playing and I was like, oh, Christian music. I forgot that existed. Ooh, weird. But then I was like, no, actually it's nice. It's beautiful. And then I sat on the fourth row by myself. I don't know where the people were who invited me there, but I sat by myself. The pastor comes out after the worship time and he after the worship music and he starts preaching on Romans chapter seven. He had been going through the book of Romans for two years and expository. And so he was preaching on Romans seven. I don't know why that's funny. And he, as he was, he preaches his sermons are an hour long and as he's preaching, strange things start to happen to me. Every word that he's saying, every sentence that he's saying is resonating as truth in my mind and my heart and I don't know why. And I'm literally sitting on the edge of my seat, riveted to the sermon. I don't want him to stop talking. Even after an hour, I was like, just keep talking. Like, what are you saying? And it was the first time in my life that I had heard and understood the gospel. And so after the sermon, he said, there's people on the side of the auditorium. If you want prayer for anything, they can pray for you. And then he left and there was another 30 minutes of worship music. And so I had this moment again. I was like, do I go to the side to get prayed for? If I do, the people that invited me here are probably watching me. It could be humiliating. And I was like, whatever, I'm going over. So I walked over to this guy, the stranger, and I said, I don't know what I believe, but I'm here. And he laid hands on me when that was still legal in California and he prayed for me. And he, and I just was like, the prayer was so powerful. I was like, how does this random straight dude care about me so much? And then I thanked him. I walked back to my seat. I sat down and everyone else was standing and worshiping for another 25 minutes. And as soon as I sit down, because I had to sit down because I was so overwhelmed by the sermon, by the prayer, by the music. And as soon as I sat down, the Holy Spirit just went. And I was like, whoa. And in that moment, God, it was like a road to Damascus moment. It was so intense and God revealed himself to me in that moment. In my mind, God said, I'm God. Jesus is my son. Heaven is real. Hell is real. The Bible's true. Welcome to my kingdom. And I was like, oh my God. Yeah, praise God. And I just started sobbing and sobbing uncontrollably for the next 25 minutes. I was doubled over and I was crying over two things. I was crying over the conviction of sin and over the joy of meeting the king of the universe, Jesus cries. And it was like the curtains had parted and I could finally see the meaning of life. Like I knew, finally I knew where I came from, what I'm doing here and where I'm going. And it was the most amazing moment of my life. And then it happened again. I got in my, after the service, I got in my car. I don't even know how I made it home because I was such a wreck. And I got into bed to take a nap because I was just so overwhelmed by it all. And when I got into bed, God was like, it was like Moses when he's in the cleft of the rock and God passes by with his glory. God's like, let me show you some more of my glory. And I just felt like this wave of God's presence. And I burst into tears and I jumped out of bed in the middle of my bedroom. I said, God, you have my whole life. I'm yours. I'm done. And that was September 20th, 2009. And I knew in that moment, yes. And I knew in that moment, I mean, it was so clear. God had so much grace on me. I knew that homosexual behavior was a sin. I knew that it was not my identity anymore. I knew that dating guys was not a part of my future, but I didn't care because I just met Jesus. And I'm like, good riddance to that old life. I'm going with this guy. Like he's amazing. And I think of Paul when he says in front, one of my favorite verses is just in terms of this is when Paul says, I count everything as rubbish as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus is my Lord. And I've lost a lot of kind of friends. I lost my career when my book came out in 2019. But it doesn't matter. Like I have Christ. So everything else doesn't matter. And so I want to turn to in the last remaining time, I want to turn to some of the questions surrounding this issue that I get a lot. And then tonight we'll get into more of it. But one of the questions that of course is always asked is, but aren't you born gay? How can it be wrong if you're born gay? Well, first of all, just because Lady Gaga sings that song doesn't mean it's true. She's not a scientist. But there's three theories about why someone, there's three dominant theories why someone develops same sex attraction. There's a genetic predisposition. There's a hormonal and utero theory. So when you're in your mother's uterus, you get too much progesterone or not enough testosterone, whatever. And the third one is nurture, is your environment. Like distant father, mother, that kind of dynamic. And the point of it is it's a mood point. Because of the fall, because of sin, we are broken. And not only are we born and sin, we're conceived and sin. So even our genetic coding is corrupted by sin. That's why there's birth defects. And so if the New York Times had a headline and said, scientists discovers gay gene, I would say so what? Like we're our genetic coding is corrupted and we're born and sin and we need to be born again. So, and every human being, we're all, everyone in here, we're all born with sinful innate impulses. But that doesn't mean we act on those impulses. And so the born gay mantra is a red herring. And then another question I get a lot and I kind of want to spend some time on this because it's important, is can you be gay and Christian? Now there's a couple of categories I want to talk about. It's because this specific sin is in my book, I talk about how it's same but different. It's the same, it's different from other sins in a certain kind of way because it is such a powerful identity in our culture. And when you experience these feelings, it does feel, I have to say it does feel like it is who you are, it feels that way. So that's why there's gay pride parades but not greed pride parades or tax collector pride parades or adultery pride parades. So this is a different, it's a difficult one, this one. And by the way, my heart goes out to anyone who struggles with this because I know it's difficult. And but there's a couple of categories. And so there's the gay affirming Christian. So there's gay churches and there are quote unquote Christians who think that you can be gay, you can engage in homosexual behavior and be a Christian. And the problem with that, when our culture, when you believe that homosexual behavior is not only good but righteous and even holy because homosexual behavior has gone from a behavior to an identity over the last 50 years. It's gone from a sin to a sacrament. And so it's, this is the problem with thinking that homosexual behavior is good and righteous is if you think that way, if you believe that and you think you're a Christian, you'll never repent of that. And without repentance, there's no salvation. And I'll just read, I just wanna read a couple of verses from 1st John. He says, no one who abides in cries keeps on sinning. No one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. Whoever makes a practice of sinning, notice this is kind of a continuous unrepentant kind of practice of sinning. Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. And the last verse I'll read is, no one born of God makes a practice of sinning for God's seed abides at him and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. And that's what's so dangerous about this idea that of this identity of being gays is because you will never repent of it. Whereas, you know, if you're committing adultery or whatever, if you're stealing or murdering, you're gonna repent of that, right? Or you're gonna confess your sins. The other category, which is a kind of a newish phenomenon is people like me who've gotten saved out of homosexual, out of that life, and but still call themselves gay Christians or still call themselves even queer Christians, which I find to be very spiritually unhealthy because basically when you're holding on to, I'm a new creation in Christ, my old man has passed away. So why would I hang on to that old man? Why would I hang on to that moniker and carry it around like a binky? Like it doesn't make any sense to do that. And you're also blocking the Holy Spirit from sanctifying that part of you. And so that's the really dangerous idea of the calling, that group of people who call themselves gay Christians. They believe that homosexual behavior is sinful, but they still call themselves gay Christians, queer Christians, they even call themselves sexual minorities. There's no such thing as a sexual minority. There's only sexual sin in the Bible. There's not one verse about being a sexual minority in the Bible. So I just find that baffling to, because when I got saved that day, I mean, again, God's grace was so powerful and amazing, but I wanted to run as far as possible from that identity, from that life. I never, that was, it's like, I don't ever wanna go back to Egypt. I was in bondage in Egypt. I don't wanna go back to Egypt. I thought I was sexually liberated for all those years. I was in bondage and God freed me of that. Why would I wanna hang on to any aspect of that? So that is, that's not, but the good news. By the way, I mean, the good news is for those who are struggling with this or those who are in this life and you may be here, you may be listening, the good news is when Paul in 1 Corinthians 6, he lays out this vice list, you know, maybe I'll just read it quickly. Paul says, or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived, neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And here's the beautiful gospel. But such were some of you, but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ by the spirit of our God. That's the beauty of the gospel. And the last thing I'll say, I think, oh, there's music. The last thing I'll say is people often ask me, Beckett, isn't it unfair that you don't get to be with someone, you don't get to be with a man for the rest of your life? Like you have to be single and celibate or single and chaste. And I literally, honestly, I've not once in my life have I felt cheated out of anything. And not once have I felt like my life is unfair. In fact, I feel the opposite. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. Obviously I don't believe in luck, but you know what I mean, I feel so lucky that I feel so grateful that God adopted me into his kingdom and gave me everlasting life. I mean, that's kind of a big deal, right? Like eternal life is a big deal. What's unfair is that Jesus had to be beaten, tortured and crucified for my sin. That's unfair. My life is not at fair at all. So I, and Paul, I mean, Paul was single. Jesus was single. Do you think Paul thought his life was unfair? All Paul cared about was running around the Mediterranean planting churches, spreading the gospel. And he was beaten, stoned, shipwrecked. And no, he didn't, he all he cared about was the gospel. And so I'm all in here and we can get into some more questions tonight, but I'll just end in this prayer. Father, thank you so much for this time. Thank you for your amazing mercy and grace on us, Lord, for your salvation. God, thank you for rescuing us out of darkness and bringing us into your marvelous light. I pray for anyone here who is struggling with this sin, who is struggling with this issue in their lives or a family member who has a family member who's struggling with this. God, I pray that you would pour out your mercy and your grace on these people, Lord, and that you would help them. God, we need the power of your Holy Spirit to deny our self, to deny our desires and take up our cross and follow you. So I just ask for anyone who's struggling with this, God, that you would help them by your spirit, by the power of your spirit. And Lord, I just thank you so much for this church, I thank you for what you're doing in this church, God. And we just love you, Lord, we bless you. And I just thank you so much, God, in Jesus' name, amen.