 There's a chance that you or someone that you know is stuck in a mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship. And one of the reasons that we get stuck in those is because we're being held emotional hostage. So in this video, we're going to talk about what being an emotional hostage looks like and how you get out of it. So stay tuned. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. As a lot of you have seen, I've been doing a lot of videos about relationships lately. Relationships play a major role in our mental health. So in this video, it's actually part of a collaboration that I'm doing with my buddy Kayla, who is known on YouTube as Panko Bunny. So real quick, if any of you out there like to cook delicious, cute looking treats, which I suck at, make sure that you go check out her channel. She does a ton of different desserts and her Instagram is huge and just a bunch of different ideas. It's a ton of stuff for Valentine's Day. So make sure that you check it out. But Kayla and I were talking because she was in an abusive relationship and she wanted to do a video about it for her audience. And since I have a mental health channel, she wanted to do a collaboration. So we tossed around some ideas. So make sure that you go over and check out her channel because she just uploaded a video about an abusive relationship that she was with. And by the way, I have to send out like huge props to her as well as anybody else, anybody else, especially with all the me too stuff going on, like when you have the strength and the courage to put your story out there, it helps so many people. That's one of the reasons why you see me bring so many different guests onto my channel. I really want to get the message out there that mental health issues can happen to anybody, literally anybody. It doesn't matter what gender you are, what race you are, what your sexual orientation is, this can happen to anybody. So if possible, find that strength, find that courage to open up and talk about these things because you never know who you might be able to help. All right. So as mentioned, Kayla did a video about an abusive relationship that she was in. And being held an emotional hostage, it's basically like being a hostage. You are stuck. You are trapped in this relationship. And so many of us stay in a relationship far too long because we feel like we're being held hostage. We have no other options. If any of you watch my video about the psychology of black oppression, which I'll link in the info card, I talk about this cycle, psychology of learned helplessness. This is something that often happens when you are an emotional hostage. You keep trying things, trying things, trying things. But at some point, the human psyche breaks down and we just give up. And then we stay stuck in this relationship. Before I get into the three signs that you're an emotional hostage, I do want to talk about like one of the major issues that I've had to bring awareness to, to some of my friends. I've even had to do it for myself. And by the way, anybody watching this, this can happen to both men and women. When I was watching Kayla's video, there were, there were certain things that I'm like, yeah, I was in those types of relationships too. So don't get it twisted. It can happen to anybody. But one of the reasons this happens and sometimes we have to point out to our friends and things like that is because we romanticize the honeymoon phase of the relationship, right? We first meet this, this guy or this girl and they're just sweet and they're caring and they're funny and they're all these things, right? And then months pass by or whatever it is and they turn into this mentally or emotionally or physically abusive person. And we stay in that, we stay in that relationship thinking that, oh, OK, well, you know, just, just something's wrong right now. But I'm going to cling on to the hope that they'll, they'll go back to the original person that they used to be. The important thing to realize is, is that sometimes you met the fake version of them, this, this mentally and emotionally abusive person. This is the real version of them. When they were courting you through that honeymoon phase, they were basically manipulating you into thinking that they are somebody that they are not. So sometimes we have to squash that idea that they're going to revert back to these this old type of person. I personally had a friend who was stuck in a relationship for two years all because she was clinging on to the idea that this guy was going to revert back to the person that he was when they first started dating. So sometimes we got to let go of that idea. Here are the three signs they are being held an emotional hostage. So in Kayla's video, one of the first, one of the first most obvious signs Kayla mentions in her video that there was a point, there was a point before things even really got bad. Like they were just starting. There was these little small signs. She mentions that she had this kind of self-awareness and she says, and I quote, if I break up with him, he will rip me apart. Right. Like she she had this kind of this clarity and this gut feeling. Right. Just understanding who this guy was and knowing that it would go terribly. And maybe that gets physical. Maybe that gets even more verbally or emotionally abusive. We're afraid of what they'll do to us if we break up with them. So that is pretty much the definition. That is like the key indicator that you're being held an emotional hostage. I think about a normal hostage situation. You're afraid to make a move. You're afraid to leave because of the consequences that this person might inflict on you. So if you feel like that, if you feel stuck or trapped, if you are staying in a relationship purely because of the fear that you have of what will happen, if you leave them, you are being held as an emotional hostage. OK. Sign number two that you're being held as an emotional hostage. A fear of getting yelled at or starting a fight. So you're basically walking on eggshells at all time. So this person is so verbally abusive that you just your entire day is crafted around just not starting a fight or argument with this person. Like I need to make it very clear. This is not a healthy relationship. OK, a relationship is supposed to be warm and caring and supportive. So if most of your effort going into this relationship is simply avoiding some kind of fight or argument or getting yelled at or berated by the person, this is not healthy. You are being held hostage. All right, because what eventually happens when you get into that mindset with the fear of getting yelled at or starting a fight, you start to put the blame on yourself. You start to think that this is all your fault. It is your fault that this person acts like this. OK. And you start justifying their terrible behaviors because of this, and this is really, really unhealthy. All right. So that's sign number two. The third sign is kind of what we just talked about in the second side. The third sign is you start questioning whether or not this is abusive. Right. You start wondering like, oh, well, maybe if I didn't do this, maybe if I didn't do that, you start justifying in insane ways. The other person's behavior, you're like, OK, well, I should have cleaned this up. I shouldn't have been talking to that person. Oh, he or she is right. I give them every reason to be mad. Like we start justifying every terrible thing that they're doing and we get stuck and we and what that does to it totally rips the shreds or own self confidence. Right. We start thinking that we're we're less than, you know what I mean? We we start thinking that we're doing them a favor, especially when you get into those verbally and emotionally abusive relationships, when the other person starts telling you, nobody will love you. Nobody will want to be with you. You can't do this. You can't accomplish that. You're not going to go anywhere. If it wasn't for me, you'd be a nobody. Right. These are all ways that this person is keeping you as their hostage because slowly but surely they are breaking down your self worth. OK, so especially with this third one, here is what you need to do. If you start wondering whether or not this is abusive, whether or not this person is justified and things like that, you have to quit relying on this thing. OK, so one of the best things you could do is start reaching out to your support group, friends, family members, be open and honest with them about this. Start asking them like this is something that I think you should do in all aspects of your life, because a lot of times we can't trust our own thinking, we need to get an objective point of view. Like, does this sound right? Does this sound OK that they're doing this? Like me and my girlfriend, we have a very healthy relationship. And when we hear about what other people are doing or how this girl's boyfriend is talking to them or this guy's girlfriend is talking to him, we're like, that that doesn't sound right. So try to reach out. Don't try. No, don't try. Do it. Reach out and get an objective point of view. And this is another reason why therapy is so beneficial. You get to get an outsider's perspective on what, like, healthy relationships look like. And if you're looking for therapy, by the way, in case you didn't know, check down in the description below. I have a link to very inexpensive online therapy that you can access pretty much whenever you want to. You have access to hundreds of therapists. So it is an affiliate link. So what they do is they've made it pretty cheap for our audience. And what it does is it helps benefit the channel. So if you need somebody to talk to about your relationship struggles, make sure that you reach out to somebody, anybody and find that support. All right. So those are the three signs that you're being held in emotional hostage. And Kayla put some information for domestic violence hotlines. I am going to include those in the description below. So make sure that you check them out. All right. And Kayla mentioned in her video, like I really hope you go check out her video. I'm going to link it in the end card as well as up in the info card. Like make sure you go check it out because she's somebody who's been through this and she's more than happy to talk about it. You can DM her on Instagram or leave comments. I really suggest that you just leave comments in her video because what that does is it starts to develop this kind of community and you start to see that you're not alone. You're not the only person who's going through this. And then you can start building this support. OK, but as always, you can reach out to me too. I will put a link to my Instagram again right here. You can always DM me on Instagram, leave comments here. And I'm more than happy to talk to you as well. All right. So thank you so much for watching. If you have any input, if you have any advice for anybody who's dealing with this, leave it down in the comments below too. But if you like this video and you like what I'm doing, make sure you give this a thumbs up. And if you are new here, I'm always making videos to help you out with your mental and emotional well-being. Make sure you click that little round subscribe button. OK, and as promised, right here, if you click or tap, you can go straight to Kayla's video, watch her story about the abusive relationship that she was in. And right below it, it's another video on my channel. OK. But as always, thank you so much for watching and I'll see you next time.