 Oh my gosh, I always pee myself when I sneeze. Just a little. Hello there, lovers and friends. So for those of you who have followed me for a while, you might recall that I was hot as fuck in my first pregnancy. And no, I don't feel weird about saying that because I genuinely put the work in. Hey, she's got the boots, no fur. Is that the what? Whee. Sexy, empowered, freaky, explorative, free, connected to my sensual and sexual self and also connected to my sexual partner. So two years later, into second pregnancy, how did I end up here? I really fought super, super aggressively last pregnancy that not to happen. And I think before I set that intention and I was able to execute. But now with not only am I pregnant and am I tired, but also we have Ryu, it's like, it feels like the thing I don't have space for anymore is you and I, you know, and that makes me sad. I have a theory though. You've always kind of looked at kind of mothers from the outside in and, you know, mothers who were not prioritizing their sensuality, mothers who were like losing themselves. And now when you're finding yourself in this place where it's like you are feeling the strain and you are feeling the pull of multiple priorities that you see, there's like this fight to like, I'm slipping into becoming that mother that I never wanted to be. It's like you just kind of put that added pressure on yourself because it's less about what you want to be and maybe more about what you don't want to be. I'm struggling with these two mantras. Fight, fight, fight and let it go. So let's talk about the decline in my sexy and sex life pregnancy two and how I really feel about it. 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You could find it in the info box below. A few weeks ago on Instagram, I put out an Insta story in which I said, have you ever felt deeply inspired by your past self before? And some, most people said yes. I would 1000% say yes, that I am deeply in awe and inspired by pregnancy one version of me who is not a reflection of who I am and who I actually desire to be in pregnancy too. And that came with a lot of grace and understanding just the space I'm at, the changes that can happen in two years and also the changes in circumstances that have led me to this place that I'm at now where I'm just not prioritizing sexy the same way that I used to and why that is now coming to a space where I'm just not that heartbroken by it. And the choices that I've made instead that allow me to sit in a different space of excellence that is not inferior, but it's just different and like finding joy in that instead. Now, the main thing when I think about the differences between pregnancy one and two is obviously two huge factors. One is pregnancy one, I didn't have another kid. That changes everything because the demand on my time, the demand on my body was so much less back then I was still solely responsible for myself and for my care. That also contributed largely to why I feel and I feel guilty about the fact that not just in terms of aesthetically how I dressed or how I moved or the way that I presented myself but remembering to take prenatals, being really good about diligent eating, drinking tons of water every day when my main focal point was caring for myself and my body and dressing up my body, I obviously did a much better job of it. And now that my priorities are so deeply split and in addition, our business has grown since then, I find that even those basic things of I'm getting a lot of cramps and Charlie horses which I acknowledge is because I'm not remembering to drink enough water in the day which also is part of the fact that I'm so busy that I don't wanna pee 80 times a day anymore. That's a huge factor. The second factor is we were in a pandemic before and now we're not. And when you were in a pandemic, you have way more time at home. You have less time commuting. You have less time meeting and convening, less in-person events and all of those things add up to being big time constraints. In addition now, we live in a home that has a lot of people come by. This morning I spent three hours with somebody who stopped by. Yesterday someone stopped by for two hours. Right now there's two other people in my home so for that factor just that there's positives with the communal element that we lacked a couple of years ago because that human interaction is so important but the downside of that is you lose a lot of time. So because it was just Jared and I for basically my entire pregnancy or a sizable portion of it, the first six, seven months it was just he and I alone in the house prioritizing working out or treating myself or shaving, having my nails and feet done, whatever it is that would make me feel like was just a lot simpler than it is today. And so now many of you might have noticed like I have drastically cut back on makeup. I have drastically cut back on hair. This is 100% my hair, which I will say is a blessing of pregnancy because I no longer rely on extensions and wigs the way that I used to because pregnancy one and breastfeeding just really did make my hair much healthier and then I didn't really experience hair loss and nor did I experience the drop off that you usually get when that ends because I went directly from breastfeeding into being pregnant again with baby two. So maybe I'll be back in the game in a couple of years time and I'm finished with all of this but right now I'm still off the benefits of that which means I don't need it as much. Did it look glorious when I would add it in? Yes, and especially I would change the color a lot and change the texture a lot and just be a lot more playful with that area but that is just a time commitment that just don't really have right now. So instead of trying to be glamorous and sexy and edgy, which I think were the three adjectives from pregnancy one, now I'm prioritizing cheek, just generally groomed and put together, just very light appearing and elegant and those are more of what's important to me and they're more accessible to me. So for example, instead of investing time into hair and makeup or working out, I invest money into jewelry. I've spent a lot recently on just really beautiful, delicate pieces that exist with or without me and I put these on and I feel a lot more you know, just in my juge, in my bag. That all to be said. Let's get into some fun stuff right now and do some comparison because there's nothing wrong with it. Comparison is not always the thief of joy if you use it as a space of reflection or as a place of inspiration, which I think when I look back on pregnancy one, which I admittedly do quite a bit, I am inspired by that version myself and I also have reflections of like, oh, this is why this is not where I'm at today and maybe I'll get back there someday or maybe I won't but heck, it was really cute while it lasted. It's the both of you, Icy, wifey? The bitches wanna fight who? Wait, it's mother and mother to be? I cannot, look at the glow, the face, face. Plural bit, ooh, wait, lower, yes. Baby goes where? Out. What? Women, face, body, bomb. Heels in the alley, that's my kind of mother right there. They can't take it. Wait, in the shoes? Ooh, stepping on these toes. Obviously I was working on sexology, the show, so I had more reason to get glam but just in general, I'll give you a perfect story. So Jared and I go up for dinner with my manager and his now wife and I wear leather thigh high boots and like a leather bralet and this like cool, like cagey outfit and of course I was like an art piece at dinner and it was like such a vibe but midway through dinner, I started to get very uncomfortable and by the time we got back to the car I was like a raging, hot, sweaty lunatic and I just like blew up at Jared and the night ended with me being in my own driveway ripping my shoes off and throwing them into the street getting mad but I looked cute while doing it. So that to be said, this pregnancy, I'm obviously making adjustments. There's no reason for me to go that hard but I'm finding my compromises. For example, I'm not one of those people who just like sneakers. I just don't feel in my flow and my juice with that. So there are these shoes that are heels but they're really comfortable and long story short, I actually had one pair of these that I loved and wore all the time but you know pregnancy story, I peed on them because I couldn't find a bathroom in time and so I squatted somewhere and I missed. So I peed on those shoes, had to throw them out but the good thing is I was like, okay, let me try to order another pair and then I noticed they came in different colors. So this pregnancy that's kind of my style now of like how do I look still together but just a bit more comfortable and practical. I'm just trying to swerve on my speed on the freeway. This is hugely different from last pregnancy to this pregnancy, last pregnancy. Again, it was during the pandemic. So at a base rate, Jerry and I were walking every single day for like an hour and a half which I loved and I will always miss and probably think back on really fondly. This time around, Ryu is not much of a stroller person so we can't put her in a stroller and walk with her and we just don't have that same time again that we used to be able to take that time out and aside from walking every single day I worked up a sweat every day. I got my stuff, I'm flippin' nixie with the mark you not no friend, don't say my name I take offense, I took my pain and made me rich I'm in no lane, I bet you piss I got your fame, I got your bitch, you is a hoe. Working out this time around is not as consistent. I'll just say it. I joined a gym. I canceled the membership a month later but I did join a gym, the intention was there. What I basically found is that during my work hours we're so overloaded with work and then afterwards when we have Ryu because now she's in daycare as a month ago I essentially had to find things I can do with her only and she doesn't have a lot of patience for me to be doing long workouts so if I can get 10 minutes once every five days, once a week 20 minutes sometimes in there that she can hang out with me while I do my thing then that's what I do. Don't I give you that rush, I keep that loving raw Don't get up together, don't lie obviously when it comes to how you feel about yourself as a sensual and sexual person if you're partnered, your sex life plays a huge role in that. So what's different, what's the major difference between last pregnancy and this pregnancy? And I feel like this clip could give you an idea. The thing that throws me off is when the baby will kick or do something because then it reminds me that like, like for instance the other day we were in the shower I was getting into it and then you're like look, she's moving, she's in the shower with us and it's just like, you just take me out you just take me out, like I'm out at that point I'm not into it. So what's the difference this time around? What is the difference to you between last pregnancy sex life and this pregnancy sex life? I think last one we had more sex, ironically and I think that you were the one who was really into it and now this time around you're not the one into it. Part of me thinks it's out of spite but that's neither here nor there. You really think that? Probably. No, you don't. I don't know, it calculated. I think you got over your mental pregnancy barrier this time around. Yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely. It's not the same anymore. You know, the first pregnancy, you know I'm thinking about this, you know, child being in the room while we're doing the naughty so it's just, you know, it's tough. It's a tough barrier to get over. But this time around, you know, I'm a veteran. Look at those little boys, you'll be all right. I think for me that's the difference is the first time I was afraid that if we weren't really active and like pushing through it that our relationship would suffer. But then this time around I'm like, I think we'll be fine. And I think it's okay just because it just feels very overwhelming. I think it's okay right now if we're just not as aggressive. What is it about it? What about what? That sex that turns you off. I think it's the effort. What do you mean? I think it's like, I had to trade off sleep. Oftentimes I don't feel like my body is in a space where I feel like being rubbed up on. And it's just like, you know what actually is funny? This could just be me toot my own horn. But I thought to myself recently, I was like, I realized how good in bed I was based on how bad in bed I am now. Like there's a clear difference in terms of I'm like, oh, like I used to be more active, more agile, like just more of a participant. And so now that I'm not that, I'm like, oh, like I actually was really good before. So... You were, you were. I'm not gonna say that. Are you thinking that? I'm not thinking that. But there are times where I'm like, she didn't really wanna do this. I wish she would have just said no. Oh. Trying to get me sick again. You see? It's all a plot. Do you miss, cause last time I was more aggressive and you didn't want to. And then this time you want to and I'm less aggressive. How do you feel about that? I'm fine with where it's at. I like the dynamic of where we're at right now. I just wish that when we do do it, that you're enthusiastic every time, rather than like, you know what I did deny the last two times. So I'm gonna give them a pity fuck. I'd rather not get the pity fuck. That's a good note. Yeah. Okay. That's good. Yeah. Well, to be continued. All in all, I'm sick. I'm tired. I have an exam to do, but I'm still here to whatever capability I possibly can. And I'm giving myself grace and space and also still challenging myself whenever I do find I have extra pockets of energy to spare. So we'll just keep talking about it and assessing it together. I would love to know where are you on your own in touchness with your sexiness and your sensuality journey. Are you better than you were before? Have you had to decline a little bit and not decline pivot probably is a better word. Are you team pivot or are you team level up? The first link you're going to see is that link for BetterHelp who again is sponsoring this video. BetterHelp offers licensed professional counseling online through your phone at your convenience whether you want to text, phone call or video chat. They're weekly chats. You can also sign up to get more than weekly chats if you require that. And you can text your therapist anytime you want. There's daily journal prompts. I've been using BetterHelp for a few months now because as I'm having a second baby and my life is already so multi hyphenated, I just felt like I needed some tools and guidance to manage all the things that I care about deeply and to ensure none of the balls dropped. And most specifically this ball, the one on my head which sometimes is spinning like crazy. It's been helpful for me and I want you to consider if it could be helpful for you. And once again, all you do is click that link in the info box, go and download the app, fill out a free questionnaire to assess what your needs are. And then from that point on, you can just stick with the journaling. If you need those prompts for you, they do have some free options or you can get assigned to a therapist. My favorite thing about BetterHelp is that changing a therapist is not stressful at all to ensure that you find the right match for yourself because it truly is about you and finding the best help, the best care and the best fit for you. Thank you for watching this video. Once again, thank you to Ray and I'll see you next time. It was always salty, I was always hungry. Ain't no laundry, now I live in laundry. Shit is done for me. I should show to my toes, let them know. Let it go, let it go.