 Hey ladies, are you looking for another inspirational superhero film featuring a strong female lead? Director Patty Jenkins doesn't seem to think so. This time around Wonder Woman ditches that pesky sword and shield and picks up a tub of Ben and Jerry's because she just can't get over the loss of her man. That's right, we get to spend a large amount of time watching Wonder Woman sob uncontrollably in corners of rooms. Date Rape a stranger, she magically replaced with her long lost lover. This is a two and a half hour endurance test to both the mind and the body. So grab yourself some popcorn and a photo of that guy that broke your heart because we're gonna be roasting Wonder Woman 1984. This roast today is brought to you by producer Matt Sclerow. He's a Patreon user over at patreon.com slash adamdosmovies at the Mithril level. And at that level, he gets to choose roasts for me to do based on a beautiful list of terrible films. You can be one just as easy over there or right here via the YouTube join button. Let's waste no further time, we have a movie to roast. Movie fires up with Diana narrating as we see a young version of herself running her heart out. The music accompanying this is from the Disney hit film Frozen. I'm not even joking, it seriously sounds like it's from Frozen. I have to expect Elsa to pop out of the woods and start singing Let It Go. The call to see him is a buzz with some of the most impressive females of Themyscira ready to compete. The gong sounds and the Hunger Games begins. Actually, it's more of an American Gladiator style event. It's got monkey bars, footholds, a battering ram, a high dive, horseback riding, archery, and of course a big ass slide. What? Why? Why is that there? Whatever, bottom line is this contest has it all. Child Diana utilizes a shortcut after getting absolutely bodied by a tree branch. How embarrassing. Bet you didn't see that coming, Quicksilver. She grabs a spear, sprints her heart out, steadies her aim, and she's gone! Pulled away from the event! Again, how embarrassing! Her friend Antelope, I'm sure that's her name, yanks her out of the contest and starts scolding her. She lectures the living shit out of this kid before her mother Hippogriff comes over and consoles her. Honestly, this whole thing really doesn't add up to me. What? She utilized a Mario Kart shortcut? Suddenly that's illegal? This kid is half the size of the other contestants with not even 50% of the experience. What is she supposed to do? Throw the kid a freaking bone. WW84 title card comes up and we're off to the 80s. So far this movie's a 10. We have a montage of 80s nostalgia goodness now. The amazing fashion, the sweet rides, the perfect workout routine. And a heist! Currently in progress. Couple bozos steal something from the back of the jewelry store. One drops a gun. People freak the hell out. And that's how I know that this movie takes place in the 80s. Because there's actually people at the mall. The cops surround the crooks, one of them panics, grabs the kid, and Michael Jackson's him off the side of a balcony. Luckily Wonder Woman's there to save the day. She crashes through the roof, I think. I don't actually know where she came from. She grabs the kid, ties up a bad guy, and then destroys the security cameras with her tiara. I mean she was already in front of the security cameras when she destroyed them. They caught what she did. Destroying them doesn't actually solve anything. It's not like they house the footage right in the little machine. It goes to a completely separate location. I'm not really sure why she did this. She stays in the shadows like the Ninja Turtles, because Batman v Superman establishes years and years later that she doesn't really participate in human affairs. Really kind of sets your hero up for failure when you do a prequel about how she saves a bunch of people, but you can't actually acknowledge it or show her saving a bunch of people. Good luck, Story. We get a fight, somewhat akin to a Home Alone film. Bad guy goes through a giant novelty drum, spins around. Another girl slides across the floor into a giant teddy bear. A lot of big things on display here today at the mall. And there's Wonder Woman whipping that lasso around like she's the main character in a divo music video. We get a few tasteful upskirts, which is always appreciated. And there's a nice Walden Books cameo. I used to go to Walden Books. That's fun. She looks at the little girl she saved, gives a hot wink to me, and then she's on her way. The girl reciprocates with a full head snap wink. Doctor hopefully on staff to see if she's okay. Because, I mean, she really put it all into that wink. Diana again, I think, blows through another part of the rooftop and then drops the bad guys on a brand new police car. The amount of damage she produced, the cost, has to be pretty staggering, probably would have been better to just let the guys steal the crappy artifact and maybe hunt them down later instead of putting countless people in harm's way and causing mass destruction. Back at Wonder Woman's Loft, we see several photos of friends and family she's met along her journeys, most in black and white. Apparently she's been up to literally nothing since. Her lost love, Steve Trevor, haunts her memories. Diana has a champagne dinner for one, then looks long and lee up at the stars. Steve's out there somewhere, Diana. And he goes by the name of Adam Olinger now. Go to him. Ghostbuster star Kristen Wiig enters the arena. She plays Barbara Minerva and I bet before this movie's over, she's going to get on my Minervs. Subscribe. She's an awkward gemologist. That's a thing that actually exists. First impression isn't great. She's got a bit of a she's all that thing going on. She's clumsy. She wears glasses. She's wearing frumpy outfits. I think we can give her an extreme makeover. Ty Pennington edition. Diana introduces herself and the two gals study this artifact that came in. It's the same artifact that those bad guys tried to steal that Wonder Woman apprehended. It's supposedly a wishing stone. All you have to do is touch the thing and your wish comes true. No spells, no incantations, no some sort of dance or ritual needed. It's just straight up touch it. You can do whatever you want. That's insane. It's absolutely insane. Diana's once again drinking. She's with her boring new friend, Barbara. Be money hands a local homeless guy a sandwich but doesn't have the time of day for a nice gentleman, a working class individual trying to pay her a compliment? With his penis? Unbelievable. Diana saves her and Barbara is smitten by this goddess. Wishes on the dream stone to be just like her. If only it was that easy though, right? Grab a random artifact, make a wish, have it come true without any sort of... It does, it comes true right away. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Barbara is reborn anew. Good timing too because prominent TV personality Maxwell Lord pays a visit to the office. He's played by Pedro Pascal. He's hosting a big shindig tonight, a celebratory dance and a party because he gave a whole bunch of money to the Smithsonian. I'd make sure that check clears before you go out of your way and erect a statue in his honor though. Because our boy Maxwell here isn't all he's cracked up to be. He's not actually a winner at all, but in fact a loser. He has a big empty office with big empty promises. Yep, confirmed. Barbara went full blown, she's all that. Glasses off, heels on. She flirts with Lord Samore and they head to her office for a make-out sesh. Sure for make-out session. He's not really there to get his rocks off though. Quite the contrary, he's there to get his rock on as he grabs the wishing stone, tips the hat and goes on his merry way. Meanwhile, Diana's being hounded by some creeper at the party. Probably not the first time, certainly won't be the last. Especially if I'm in a room with her. Let's keep going. He starts saying things like her dead boyfriend would. And then it hits her. It is her dead boyfriend. What? What? That's right, Steve's back. Maybe. It doesn't look like him. It looks like another dude. But then she looks harder and yeah, it is. Steve possessed the body of someone else. What happened to that guy? What happened to the owner of the body? Is he trapped in a void? Is he caught between this world and another? In limbo in some sort of hellish purgatory? Maybe it's like in Get Out where he's just falling in darkness. Who cares? Steve is back. Steve's looking at the man in the mirror. And he sees it not himself. But he's cool with it too. The movie tries to play this off as cute and whimsical. It's freaking disturbing. And I can't wait until these two bang it out a bunch of times and the original owner of the body comes back with some weird form of World War I herpes. That would be fun. Diana wakes up the next morning after a fresh shag and she sees Steve next to her eating a pop tart. He tells her it's the third one already this morning. I can't wait until the original owner of the body comes back and finds out he has type 1 diabetes. And 5 months to live. Barbara's at the gym rocking a hot bod in a leotard. This is the best scene of the movie. Max, now with the power of a genie is making some wishes come true. Because when he gives them something, he takes something in return. Fashion montage! Chris Pine gets to sport a bunch of 80s outfits. It's probably funny to someone. Somewhere. It has to be, right? I also, they've done this. While Steve is getting a blast of modern life, Maxwell is blowing up. His phones are ringing off the hook. He is starting to form a headache, stops by the office and starts scolding Barbara for letting Max take the artifact. That wasn't hers to give. It's at this time I pause the movie to see how much was left. An hour and a half. Fucking hour and a half left. They do a little digging in Max's office and they find a ticket stub in the waste basket heading to Cairo. So naturally, that's where he's going. That's where they're going. Diana and Steve need a plane so they steal one, of course. As all superheroes do, Steve knows how to apply it because it's from the olden times. Unfortunately, the cover of night isn't enough to hide them from local authorities. How in the hell are they going to fly this old noisy plane out of here undetected while, oh yeah, Wonder Woman's been practicing something one time where she can make stuff maybe disappear? I'm sure it's going to take a lot of time and patience and planning and calculating to get an entire plane full of people to disappear without any real training or practice outside of one time in the past and it works! She did it already. She had to do his rubber hands together a little bit. This reminds me, Phil Collins was right. She seems to have an invisible touch. Let's keep going. Now they have front row seats to a 4th of July celebration. Steve starts bragging about how great it is to fly a plane, how there's nothing quite like it. Diana's over there pouting again like, I can't fly a plane. I don't know how to fly. I wonder if she'll be able to fly before this movie's over. He's gone for a nice midnight jog and gets complimented by that same gentleman who didn't really do anything wrong last time and here he is again just saying hey baby, hey sweet ass, why don't you come over here and give me some sugar, lady? I love you, you look good. I don't see the problem. He's a gentleman and a scholar and he's also about to get his ass kicked. She starts beating the living hell out of this guy in the middle of the street in front of her best friend, homeless guy Cappy. I don't know his name, I'm not sure it's said but he's wearing a cap so he's Cappy now. Meanwhile in Cairo the maxillorian is starting to make deals with oil tycoons. At least he thought this guy was an oil tycoon but he got played. But then he plays him back because he says okay fine bitch, I'll just take your army. There's still an hour left I think, yep. I'm pretty sure there's an action scene coming up. Finally! Something cool has happened, oh god. Oh my god, that's an awful shot. What is this shit? Wonder Woman used to be cool. Like one movie back. Where is the sword? Where is her shield? Why did she go all in on the last so of truth? While she's hopping around on cars Max informs her that he is the stone. There is a gunner not four feet behind her. He has a machine gun in his hand. He's aimed on her and he shoots like three times. He gives her like warning shots? I hate this guy. If he's not killed viciously then he should certainly be fired. Gal Gadot is now sandwiched between two armored vehicles and I can't help but be aroused. While this chasing is taking place some dumb fucking kids are in the middle of the road playing soccer. This isn't some back alley or a dirt road. This is a major highway. This is a 65 mile an hour zone easily. Parents where is the common sense? Wonder Woman hitches a ride on a rocket like she's in a game of Fortnite swings around a sign and grabs both the children in her arms in one of the dumbest looking shots I've seen in quite some time. The kids being saved appear to be sleeping and I envy them. She loses her grip and completely wrecks these kids as they hit the ground. They have to be dead or at least highly concussed. Sadly the kids survived unscathed but I'd like to think that a couple days later they both bleed out internally from damage that we couldn't see on the outside. Hence internally. I know it's not because I hate children. It's because I want the movie to have a message. I want the movie to say listen kids it's not fun. It's not safe to be all fancy free in the middle of a freaking road. Okay? We have to have some sort of life lesson for these children. We have to think about the children even if that means killing a couple to send a message. Barbara gives Diana a lead to follow and now they're all together at some dude's shop. Speaking of shop Gal Gadot is for some reason dressed up like a mechanic. Damn it she's pulling it off. She reads a book which explains everything the entire plot of the film and one easy to read couple pages. We find out this wishing stone's really more akin to a monkey paw and whatever it gives you it takes in return ten fold. So in Diana's case yeah she's getting her lover back but in return she's giving away her powers that's why she's bleeding that's why she's dropping kids that's why she's crying all the time. Nope that part's just because she's a weak ass loser in this film. However all she has to do to get her powers back is give up the things she wished for. So Steve he's got to go bye bye and stop hijacking a poor man's body. He's probably real jacking the guy's body too but that's a personal thing we don't have to get into. Max is suffering from some pretty nasty pink eye but it's business as usual for him. Time is of the essence though since he's now the wishing stone it's taking his life force away to make all these magical dreams come true or something I'm not really sure what's going on I guess it's because he wasn't ever meant to have this much power inside of him. So a desperate Max is starting to let loose and he proclaims I need to find a way to touch a lot of people at once his words verbatim. Maybe just a one over on the script next time before approving it would have been helpful. Back at Wonder Woman's headquarters Diana quickly leaves the room presumably to take a shit. So Steve is just kind of meandering around looking at old photos and things of that nature. Oh and she's back with a new outfit with that same cry baby attitude she just can't let Steve go. I'll never let you go. Sorry guy who used to own that body. You're trapped forever because Wonder Woman's in love. Steve notices some armor just tossed in the corner like it's junk and he asks questions about it. Wonder Woman explains how this armor is incredibly special there's a flashback scene where we see this woman wearing it and she's taken on an entire army and she wins the day so yeah it's this beautiful one-of-a-kind armor it's really a symbol of the people so Diana keeps it and what is essentially a broom closet next to the mop and bucket. Max and the president are now having a conversation in the oval while the world is falling and shambles all around. I pause the movie again still 45 minutes to go I think I hate myself as luck would have it the president was in the middle of a conversation with his team about some super-secret satellite program they're presented nicely on easels for Maxwell to look over and this is just perfect timing because this is exactly what Maxwell needs right now. Max is going to utilize the satellites so he can touch everyone at once. Finally, a fun action scene in the hallway. Wonder Woman plays Twister with her dumb lasso and then she throws her stupid tiara at stuff. Things are going well until Minerva shows up and attacks her whoo what? I thought they were friends ladies and gentlemen a good old-fashioned cat bite unfortunately doesn't last long turns out the lasso isn't always the best line of defense when fighting in a battle but what could be better than a lasso? I don't know maybe a fucking sword and shield like you had in the last movie ladies and gentlemen this is what the bottom looks like Wonder Woman is at her worst here crying on the floor battered and bruised looking pitiful I mean it's Gal Gadot so she looks hot pitiful but still pitiful. So nice ass cheek peeking through though I have to take what I can get in this shitty movie okay I have to. Catwoman and Penguin take off in the chopper and all I can think during this scene is man I hope there are 15 minutes of end credits Steve for the second or third or fifteenth time tells Diana she has to reverse third eye blind this situation and let him go. Diana is a blubbering mess. Ugly crying again again still hot but still really Steve is finally going to go remember when Wonder Woman was cool because all I've been presented in this movie is a pathetic shell of an individual who can't let her lost boyfriend leave her site she knew him for like an extended weekend it's not like they were together for 30 years give me a break she takes to the sky and wouldn't you know it she gets the ability to fly back in the chopper Barbara gets a second wish she wants to be the very best like no one ever was she wants to become an apex predator Pokemon can't wait to see how it looks I'm sure it's gonna be just Mr. Lord is now broadcasting to the world he's touching everyone at once he's touching old people he's touching little boys he's touching dogs and cats touching everything and everyone meanwhile Wonder Woman is riding the lightning she's a Metallica roadie this is the longest movie I've ever sat through she makes it to the compound flying like an eagle into the sea her stupid theme song came on for like five seconds gone she's wearing the victorious secret gold collection armor and I'm loving every minute of it I'm loving every minute of it loving every minute of it I'm loving every minute we get treated to our new and approved Barbara now 100% cheetah girl she looks stunning oh I just can't wait to be king hell with that look she might even make it all the way to the gelical ball if you don't understand that reference please check out my roast on cats that was a movie that was an experience the lasso is back baby take out your fucking sword Wonder Woman this is embarrassing the two swing around on power lines like they're performing in Cirque du Soleil unfortunately for Barbara the cat power up didn't come with nine lives our golden girl is now at the final boss Donald Trump he manically laughs as a wind tunnel surrounds him dark Brandon is now ready for his final form leaf blower Diana knows exactly what to do the same thing she's done the entire film cry in a corner she starts doing a boring monologue about truth and having it all max ignorantly thinks she's talking to him doesn't realize that she's got the lasso of truth contacting every single person out there listening the lasso is the real hero of this film Wonder Woman is just kind of in the way the movie should really be called the lasso of truth 1984 and it worked everybody renounced their wish everyone all of the people this film really is a studying achievement speaking to the goodness of people and their well intentions even Barbara who I guess didn't die returns to a crappy human form what a waste plus Max reunites with his son and finally opens up and tells the truth did I ever mention Max had a son in this film probably not I spared you a couple things that are just so bad it's not even worth talking about you're welcome and look I know Max is the villain he lied to his kid he lied to everybody took advantage but you know what Diana Prince has been raping a dude for the last few weeks that that should probably be on the bad side of things too right that's probably something to shake your head at and concern snow falls as the film starts to close out fucking finally the guy that Diana was having her way with shows up doesn't know her of course or what she's been doing to his body he probably would have been fine with it but he didn't know so that's the part that's kind of sketchy anyway he talks about how pretty it is out she acknowledges in her hoity-toity sort of way but I was thinking about this guy a little bit more did he lose his job he wasn't going to work I assume he had a job he had a nice place it's got to be expensive you have family you have kids of his own a wife they separated they in the middle of a messy divorce does he got kids he has the seed does he have a grandpa or grandma that's sick in the hospital maybe he had somewhere important to be maybe this was like a big break for him the day that his body was taken out who knows it's it's hard to tell all I can say is this guy's life has been ruined thanks to Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman this movie finally comes to a close with Wonder Woman taking again to the skies flying around and thinking about how she can secretly save people for the next 30 plus years until she shows up in Batman v Superman perfect I think there was a cameo by Linda Carter at one point in time but I was starting to black out it might have been during the credits and I can tell you one thing as soon as she got in the air I shut this fucking thing off I was out I was done well that's Wonder Woman 1984 the follow up to a really good first outing for the character showing what a strong independent female looks like all of that good will completely throw it in the trash and what we have here is this miserable sack of shit who can't get over her boyfriend that she knew for like four days Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Kristen Wig, Pedro Pascal they're all putting in the work they're trying their hardest but this script is terrible you can only polish a turd so much and now there's rumors circulating that Wonder Woman might be back for a third outing or whatever they're going to do with it Gal Gadot is coming back supposedly I don't know I don't know what that means I do know this though director and writer Patty Jenkins she won't be making a return I hope you enjoyed the roast thank you again to Matt Sklarell for producing this gem hope you had a good time as well if you get any sort of enjoyment out of my content I implore you to head on over to patreon.com slash adam does movies or become a member right here via the join button these roast videos take a lot of work they take a lot of blood sweat and tears to get out and any sort of support you can show my way would be really appreciated YouTube doesn't pay out crap so it's really up to fan funding sharing the content liking the video subscribing to the channel doing the little bit that you can help me keep making this passion project a reality with that little spiel out of the way thank you for watching the video and I hope to see you next time I also wonder if Patty Jenkins had the stone I wonder if she would use her wish to make sure this movie was never made or better yet redo Wonder Woman 2 but have it take place on a beach that way we get Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman in more bikini themed attire God I'm pathetic