 All righty, then welcome ifap movies kingdom of heaven. That's a movie name that most people probably like I from parts the Caribbean We had choice I remember like I watched this with my girlfriend because we were like I was up in Scotland She was down in England. I was down visiting her and then we broke up soon after watching this movie Oh recently my main I made memories of it. I remember it being good though I have complicated views. There are one or two things that I felt were okay But there's so much utter bullcrap I look forward to hearing about all the castle criticism Chad I Remember it just like thinking Orlando Bloom really isn't a leading man and no, I think that was pretty much solidified by this movie I'll come back to it now and be like, oh, he's amazing Yeah, maybe I remember his performance being really forced and weak And so it was hard to sell me on him, you know being a hero So I'll see if my memory holds true See now we're just gonna look at it and be like you see him as being Paris from from Troy Yeah, the thing is I don't remember a lot of others movie I just remember there's lots of famous people in it that it's made by Ridley Scott and there's war There's war and leprosy. So what more do you want in life? You know, I don't know what else we could do for preamble other than just saying, you know Let's just jump right in. Do you guys just anything else other than yeah war. Let's do it So Chad, I'm expecting you to give us an encyclopedic knowledge of most of the events of this film if you would Don't you have to hold me back? Chad is this 20th century Fox historically accurate Depends what century that the logo was made in I suppose interesting 21st century Yeah, it's about time they update it so it's 100 years since damage from Europe seized Jerusalem Epic win Hasn't done what I like See some shit never changes then Type it's like You think you've already in the Middle Ages we fucking shit you In the grip of full poverty, right that that have the resources to go on a crusade Yeah, you find the resources when when the pope tells you that God's commanded it then you just find a way, I guess 1184 and 11 1184 did it snow back then I Remember it. Well, I can confirm it did snow back. Oh, you know how they invented snow They had invented snap The stereotype where it's dark and poor everyone's Potato a rotten a rotten apple Yummy, oh what you didn't need it You could have made massive gains from that You'd have made a whole caterpillar stew out of it home. What a waste Also, that's Michael sheen right the first famous person The same she's a witch as well You know the whole witch burning thing actually happened like more after the medieval period. Yeah Yeah, they were still burning witches in like the 18th century or something more than they Yeah, yeah, it was like, you know 16 17 18th But it like really ramped up and you got professional witchfinders who got paid by the witch You can imagine how many witches they found Yeah, I mean Jesus traffic wardens are a big enough problem. Never mind David Thulis that's it was a Aries in Wonderwaman She was a suicide cut off her head What Based off her head What is it cuz you don't deserve to have a head if you The level of misrepresentation of the medieval period the medieval people and medieval religiosity is just I Unbelievable in this They really did better publicist the medieval period I mean do my best. I've been doing my best Law can go too far. It can go too far That must have been cut from the cinematic release because I do not remember this we can't portray them well I know I like that what it actually Some what is as mad as you know sympathetic appearance of medieval Christianity At least someone's got clean shirts He must be the protagonist You must be the protagonist look at her showing her ankles brazenly they're Obviously a flashback then She's no Helen of Troy though is she Paris That's not a medieval dog. I object We can give him a pass on behalf of the Betty You know it's actually interesting subject what the medieval dog breeds are like he can see some references in art Oh my god that guy he was in Candles that's a good sign Oh Hang on Didn't drink alcohol or wine they had an industry making what in places doesn't mean they drank it Yeah, maybe some people just didn't like to partake With no air it's almost looking in this Well, they look back and I think I don't know Chad no looking wasn't invented until the 15 Candles wow Usually it's all like I'm torches in walls everywhere Or it's two candles in a massive set light that's off-screen that we can't see Candles back then I always think movies lighting up at night It's just like all this blue light everywhere. It's like yeah, you wish Orlando's acting up a storm here Hey, he's perfect for his talents. Do nothing He's just not a very good actor. Hey, he's finding parts the Caribbean right right when he's like that's not good enough And it's like oh fucking hello I Remember how powerfully bad that scene was Is it that he has trouble at most? Yes, and delivering lines Maybe he just chooses not to he's just so you know, he's just so What's the problem is acting well delivering lines emoting, you know everything? Oh He's a blacksmith in this too, huh? Not the worst plate not the worst job to have in the winter. Maybe I mean it's pretty cool job in general. I'd say You're always gonna be needy just suppose. Oh, yeah, we're gonna value the shit out of your stuff if it's good Point is rude According to your law. We need all these horses shot. We need food and we'll pay dude We don't have guns yet. I'm sorry says yes He says yes It's a nod. I mean, it's it's funny like Like like in case anyone didn't see the dog like everyone yay And there was much rejoicing He's made war machines that cast the largest stones. It's weird how they approach it like the blacksmith wouldn't want business One of the few on your journey worse more alive than dead seen known to be It's interesting. I set this up This is obviously an expanded one because they cut this from the original one where they're setting up He can make war machines. It's like, oh That I wonder if that's gonna come in later I've been telling him that Shut up Meg Blacksmith I've been told you have a particular set of skills. Is it not unfair to put Liam Neeson across from a land of bloom? I don't know I'm actually kind of like was it the well that house Oh, he used to be over there Summer he used to be over there. I remember standing there. Well, he lost So he is remembering is the girl he knocked up because his Baylien's father Is anyone here's wife not dead Franklin Franklin. Yeah He was happy at all in the middle ages Horrible it was So interesting little fact, you know mail is really heavy and uncomfortable to wear So that for that reason you'll just wear it all the time Yeah, you can be attacked at any moment by the ghosts of all the dead wives Yeah, who knows you could hurt yourself His arming cap could turn on him in an instant and you know what I I reckon the arm is gonna matter in this movie because it's a medieval movie. And so It will matter. There won't be things just going through the arm. I'd be ridiculous At least they've tried a little bit harder with the mail Usually back in the day they use that like we need a Cloth stuff. I am God-free the baron of evil if you will come with me My place is here It's like a part of him wants to and a part of him is like no no it is not yet time Aligned Orlando inside of you, there are two wolves one can act one cannot If you just compare the resting face that Liam Neeson had when he was reflecting compared to Orlando blooms one the difference in the alcohol and he becomes quite stark Continued until they speak something else, but if they start speaking Chinese you've taken a wrong turn That was a dumb line you only need to travel a couple of miles Do you see the directions for lacking in clarity, sir Why I order before spots acting run Wow My wife just died just leave me the fuck alone Just what a smith man No, we're 20 but Okay It's like a purgatory of watching Orlando bloom desperately not move his face Nothing needs to move He can't remote and he can't deliver lines, so this is perfect for him Wait, don't speak it's fine We've hired a bunch of actors to speak instead They will assume what you feel about things What kind of village doesn't want a blacksmith as well. Yeah, like that's a really valuable resource for a village Oh what she does there without a head I'm not fully up to date on Catholic doctrine, but I thought suicide put you in purgatory Was a mortal sin That's not yours Why did you wear it you idiot I'll take that poor Michael Sheen Oh What do you feel about a matter burning to death right in front of you it's like I feel like I should leave I Could literally travel faster than the news go go. I mean he actually can So it's probably reached an area that speak somewhat different language already Hail so what language do you speak here? We kill where I need to be I'm gonna join you. There was a terrible accident They could be speaking Lombardian or Gascon or something like you didn't have to travel far before you reached a different dialect It was so decentralized and you go through dozens of dialects to get through to Constantinople, you know Never guess what the priest guy stabbed himself and threw himself on fire Horrible don't don't ask me any specific questions about it. Let's just go Yeah, I don't I don't know how good the forensics were so unless CAD file shows up. You might be alright Your hair looks good for someone who's been riding on a horse. Is it true? You got a comb between scenes He means a lot he made do you think Orlando could grow a full beard No, no, it looks like he's trying there, but it's that not Yeah, I think that's the limits of his beard-growing capacity. See what wasn't the Middle Ages gross people pissed They're showing they're showing Why wouldn't he piss downstream of the guy instead of yeah Yeah, like even not to piss upstream Crazy white people just piss at the base of a tree as well. Like why do you do that? Yeah, help the force. Oh, that's important Jesus didn't piss upstream This is our fellowship Sorry Grim dark fellowship Oh my goodness Do we have training swords sir, are they wrong swords? Are they actually using long swords in the late 12th century? They look like a mabye. They're more on the bastard sword side, but They look they look far too to you handed for this period. I'm just saying Strike from high And in German they call it the roof That's the German Lane word for roof Dough doesn't sound real. Oh, at least they're showing that there's you know complexity in medieval swordsmanship Oh, I can you know, I appreciate that. Oh, is he having a poop? The fact that he's got a train Stream And I get being up by the big German guy. Oh, no, hang on. What sort does he have a lightsaber? He's got a Big fuck off German sword That's At a I've got a sword. That's too early at a sword. That's really old and average is out to be correct It's not like a scout Didn't even announce himself first. It's nobody gonna react to the fight one of your guys Grim dark fellowship wait, so these guys just killed one of their men and hope to just arrive and have a chat Okay So you killed that one other guy The greatest German using a Viking sword, so am I I like that line Well, I'm gonna decide the truth of it My uncle let's give you the road Wow, Jamie you coward you did just kill one of his men I guess they don't I guess I don't know. All right guys. We're gonna. We're never Carl gets back from his shit Oh They're screwed Wait, I'm sorry, I thought there was only like six right through the wherever that was But there was only like seven of these people anyway, like they're dead right through the wherever that was oh Right through Oh, no, he shot his own guy with a crossbow all my bad Lord training tells me this is Just have to get into the horse and kite them around the map. It's easy. Oh What the hell No, my chest Does but a flesh would know what happened there Yeah, stab you with an arrow, but not in the normal way. How was your breathing do it, buddy? Oh For me, I go. Yeah good for me. That was awesome. That guy was good Looks like a good Warhammer Cool stands to know that guy. Oh He's definitely gone So I'm a little guardian of the stream. He's dead so Seem to me a lot of those engages actually pretty decent somewhere, but you know somehow I'm a hit spot Like Okay, oh, he's a good man just fucking with him I Am the Lord Lord hair you score a seven out of ten You just a battle in which we lost half our men Oh, oh Man Oh, I guess he's finally dead so that was an interesting shot of it like getting hit straight on the head even with a male with a heavy enough sword and Crack someone skull still And he did yell Straight into it and so that one I'm not as offended by Yeah, so the reason I guess I'm a little confused I thought our group was about seven and that they were attacked by like ten arches at the same time I just feel like we would have lost, you know They can only maintain so much fire I suppose But oh no a lot of bad boys as well So yeah, I'm just thinking of a rate of fire. Yeah, just felt to me like if they all had a target And they all have the element of surprise like our guys were fucked. I am the courted the privilege of Wansom's true That's a nifty little hammer that Yeah, that guy be the protagonist Jesus the marrow man to the blood in which case you'll take a fever I like how matter-of-factly is like that's probably the case These guys more than most would have to be a whiz. Yeah, you could die at the moment with all this stuff going on Popes say does not murder I some accent you've got there I Imagine the people in this area like can you stop with that What up a sign you propagandised people before television you there, what is your name? God knows Yeah, we give out a lot these days before the internet. Remember when I fucking get that guy in the head with this There's a bit more complexity to the belief of going on crusade It wasn't as easy as just killing infidel you had to actually protect protect Christendom And it was penance for your sins that was the original proclamation as along those lines. I'm Jerry the friar killer He's in stuff. I don't know who is though would I had fought you when you were still capable of making a bastard? You your mother when she was making hers Oh, yeah, well you're bleeding You have a fever yet the shit how's that bone marrow getting on this must be constant in Opal I'm a guessing no, they'll say it. No messina Fake expert over here. All right How could I have a rookie mistake confusing Messina for constant in Opal? A man who in France had not a house using the holy land the master of a city He who was the master of the city begs in the gutter You are not what you were born, but what you have it in yourself to be America It's the land of opportunity Kingdom of conscience Kingdom of heaven. Hey, there is peace my son. You were all that survives me Do not act to something Oh We took the holy land Sarasen's looking for seashells on the seashore Sounds like all price That seems over. Oh crab Love me a good crab. Oh, that's a loud Sargon. No that keto friendly. Oh, all right Okay, I'm over taps your table while you're in use you it's not actually my table. It's a rental will be to happen. Hey Okay, fine, keep my stick fuck you My lord, I don't actually want you if you have no stick to beat the horse. Oh, thanks You know, I agree about it. He was like it's a wand idiot about it emotes. I use it to cast spells The horse to make it go faster. What was that scene? He walked up to it. It was like I'm the bad guy. Don't forget. Yeah, that's that's it It's just a curtain folks it with the little wand like it's not Why you can go no further This way he's like why am I here? What's happening? I'm scared. See if you're getting knighted music. Wow. Cool. This is a very official pep talk My perfect face, how do you This is a guy in the corner, I've known this guy for 12 years never night Haven't killed one friar, but it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I'm not picky. I'm just happy to be here We have facial muscles engaged folks Do you think it's actually Orlando bloomers it's just another man wearing another Orlando face mask I feel kind of bad. I guess I've never thought of it was that bad of an actor, but it's kind of getting hard to Expression literally not one muscle on his face is being engaged right dead Liam Neeson is acting better The extra guards at the back are acting better. Yeah, they like bowed their heads. They're like, yes This is a sad thing. That's just happened. We should act sad and reverent Yes, of course We'll never know names that will be lost to history Your father just died you got knighted. What do you have to say? He's like I still don't know what's happening I don't know Wait come back. You're a good actor Don't leave us here with Orlando Do we at least have the hammer guy? Maybe the German guy will come back with an arrow I got better Yeah, we had our cool German dude, we had our cool black guy and they're gone now You know like well fuck I guess we have Orlando the bloomster. Hey, I made us back in his normal environment. Oh, yes Why are you fucking on it? Oh, no Oh Damn and roll credits He kept his sword with him Okay, wait Oh man, that's true That was I must have been close to shore already. Yeah, all right. Yeah, they kind of like that I'll be honest. Yeah, how exactly do you wash ashore unconscious and not drown looks kind of comfy, too He's like well guess it's time to start the day Man, this has been a wild week. I killed that friar my blacksmith burn down I got ambushed by those guys in the forest got knighted my dad Discovered I had a dad What a wild week Person to survive the shipwreck out of a crew of like hundreds if someone was gonna survive it would be the protagonist come on My but the thing is none of this so far as warranted one facial expression Everyone around you dies or crashes in the ocean. I don't want to be any Now I'm lost in the desert. Do I have a feeling about it? No, yeah, man. This is a real rough day Geez Sure, you would have eventually come across a village or a city. Oh, don't stir it up You want to know think of the people who peed in there? I've concerned. I've reconsidered the bridal on as well. I'm here to help useful. This is I was like no fuck off. No, no, no, no, no Damn it. I'm gonna die then So it looks expensive It looks out of period for the setting of this film Which would probably add its value the giant Ruby and the hell just seems really like Austin tastes just like a piece of white war gear What That's gonna be a weird statement for these guys You are racist or to act there was a lot of bandage tree On the way to the Holy Land and so that's kind of accurate, but I think they would have had more than just one I feel like he loses this fight just for Like how worn out he'd be the horse is like god damn, I'm gonna die You're heckling the fight sir, please move away Oh See that whole is like I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die right now. Nobody has a horse. I hope you're happy. Yeah, good job Who's pretending to be dead? Oh It's like you want to take revenge. I mean he's like no, I didn't even like that guy Yeah, he was a prick On the blood of the blood on the Thank you to Jerusalem sword I'll just Stab the sword blade into the sand. That's a good way to mess up your hair dude. This plot line is so odd Yeah, no, right This is like this is an end then plot Totally because I doubt I had no idea this was happening. I just go with the flow We are in the land of the circle roofs Hey sheep These lands are ruled by the Lorraine McKinnon saying that this is Jerusalem No, this is Constantinople. No, this is constantly Very good boss take the boss leave out your business This is your prize of battle. I fished him out of the ocean. Were you not listening? I've been a slave I will never keep one or suffer anything we care how a protagonist is a good man Century morals coming out of the 12th century baron well your quality will be known among your enemies Before ever you meet them, my friend. That guy's pot lines. We had to have in his life. Yeah, I guess this is happening now Where is it that Christ was crucified? My name isn't old man son of a bitch Well, that's where we send all the tourists But the real place is half a mile in the other direction. It's a guild secret Interesting they're showing us some green cultivated fields inside the city, but everything outside looks to be barren wasteland. Oh No, there's a green Irrigation shard irrigation irrigation the guy peeing on lots of stuff more like irritation No, the land at this time was actually far more green during the time of the Crusades dude acting way better than the lander By having an expression. Yeah He showed confusion and injury It's your carry got to be so you must have known green eyes Wait, that was it. I think I don't think he could have murdered him. Yeah, what is eye color? You can stab so I have what was his favorite kind of sub sandwich I don't know Italian nightclub. He knows he knew Convenient plot. Give me the towel What is this scene this is like this movie so far It's all fucking meandering. This is the bathing scene where all the girls go Now got a boner. What am I supposed to do? It's so embarrassing Goodness Flustered Yeah, bring back literally Decide the truth of it. Hey brought him back good. Yeah, so he survived He was wearing his chain mail on the boat. It collapsed into the sea and he survived Yeah, he said he was gonna catch up to him like a couple weeks later or something So now for Jerusalem as your father wished I'll follow within the week and his his Fucking this is a trope with a protag in like a medieval story It's like I understand the horse you guys don't the dogs look a bit more medieval. There you go Who that I Know who's that say please bitch. I know you are watch it in her face do it I peed in that water this morning. So there Look at by the actresses is your name Think you're right. I can't think No, I've lost my religion. He looks like he's wearing his dad's chain Sounds like a religious sentiment though. Well, I guess they are all Catholic at this point So yeah, he had to actually do stuff to But see he said he put no stock in religion and he's saying religious sentiments that a lot of Christians would have held Go the brain in the hot matter. So what about the kidneys? No, they didn't that's what the crusade was about Literally the Muslims were stopping Christian pilgrims getting to fucking Jerusalem. Oh, sorry Yes Yeah, that's that's what that's what the the banking system that came out of it was all about you could just deposit it in France and take it out in the Holy Land You know the Templar order gets vilified so much in film. So and that was actually Founded on a very charitable thing Brendan Gleason It's him! It's him! It's him! It's Mental Alice Oh my God! Oh my God, double it! And it's Jeremy! I'm excited! I'm excited! I'm so excited! Both of these are actors Oh man! Good punch Paras Look at his hair color! Holy shit! He's got hair like black widow from Endgame He clearly wore it better It's time for a game of Warhammer No, it's a model! Oh Lord the Rings I mean, come down for it This is Warhammer 10k Do you guys play GTA? It's true You're a father's son Is he going to go on a fight or something? Everybody wears their mail because Danger isn't around there I mean, if you pay for it, you might as well wear it It trains you Shad, it makes you stronger It digs your money's worth Well, everyone knows chicks dig your mail So you gotta wear it That's true You saying he's a mailman? He is definitely a mailman God, about making better world I was to be a good knight I pray the world and Jerusalem can accommodate such a rarity Ah, because there was no good other knights, right? I reckon Jermia is a good knight The Princess Sevilla of Jerusalem and her husband Guida Lucignan Wait a minute, that guy's evil though She's mysterious What's up? You sit at my table You stick man I have not seen a king at it for some years I cannot eat I am finicky about company He's a bad man He's like so theatrical and ridiculous He's gonna listen to the music But aside from him just being a Frenchman What is his objection with Balian? What's he done? He's just a snob He's the highest of insults He stopped me from hitting you in the face Peasant The funny thing was he was like flumping it in his face Why should I make leave with that troublemaker? He poked him with your stick Oh yeah, he's the troublemaker Dude, that guy was so chuffed we captured it Yes, everyone has heard of your last crazy week It's been wha He should write a book She was crazy Nearly a smile there He's building up to it It's gonna be the payoff Got to be so fucking epic Did they see me? The spies back then were world class They were so shit They weren't even thought to be spies Cause no spiders You should have slowly moved behind the wall that poked his head back out What, sorry, hello They were men of confidence I'll definitely tell you My greatest teacher Oh, another actor You look pretty cool though You look pretty cool though That would be pretty darn famous I think he was He was, yeah I think everyone would have known What's a dealio with leprosy? Is it really contagious or no? No, only like 10% of people are even susceptible to Any move can be the death wingshore of your end By the way, I have a mask covering 95% of my face and I'm out acting you so if you could pull your way I appreciate that None of us know our end, really None of yours No, look, this man's still working Oh, the other one, it's like bandage and shit That man can also move himself And only then does that man truly begin his own game I want to look up the history of chess now You stand for God, you cannot say But I was told by others to do thus I agree with him to be honest Big X A cross Or better A star Without being exposed to fire from another part Are you like a battle field expert? Or a... You must be... How is it good enough that this would be like a big improvement compared to people you have access to already? You're sector helpless, when I am helpless you come and protect me Can you evaluate that torch, please? Wow, dick I was actually thinking about the torch It looked like it was made out of reads and stuff and that's actually a historically accurate torch It's like... It wasn't bad Don't leave your toys out, you piece of shit Take your toy, but if I see you again I will kill you With a burning sword Oh my God, just the flash of a smile Oh my God, he's so bad Hey This actually makes it This poor guy is trying I don't know how you guys feel about it I feel like there's been a lot of galleries in this film Hanging around There's a lot of... Some of the early scenes added more important context These would be the people he rules over then This is his village, right? Yes Maybe this is Constantinople Must be Constantinople, yes, definitely I love what you've done the place I like the skeletons and the chicken Complementary chicken, eh? I do like chicken Oh my God, the skeletons have more emotion Oh my God, you're right You're smiling He speaks, he knows Latin But you gotta be so dramatic How did he know Latin? He learned it in the blacksmith's That's actually a good question, a blacksmith learning He knows about like fortification I guess he was an engineer He knows Latin He's quite the idealized character, isn't he? He's like, oh, he's so good at all the stuff that he do Just anything like a human can do Oh, yeah, I'm brilliant Water comes out of the ground Idiot peasants This is dirt You put things in the dirt and it grows Oh, it's up to the ground Oh, genius, if only we'd known We only live in a fucking desert Yeah, they've never thought to look for water We should till the earth to plant Oh my God This game is wild Oh, he knows New technology from Europe This man knows what's up What did you get this war from? Thank God the white man is here to show us the way This is practically a pro-colonization movie at this point The white man is here to save you ignorant peasant brown people It's fucking amazing It's so ironic because that's definitely not the message that the guy was going forward this I can't see It really looks like it Isn't he just amazing He's such a cool dude and he's helpful and he's just a good person It's funny that many Kims seem so smart They've got to make everyone incredibly dumb to not think of the most basic things Yeah It's wet No Stupid child Where'd you get the boat from if you didn't know what water was, kid? We heard you have discovered the secrets of water This is against the King's command She's got more expression on her face I can change the water The small Yeah I like noticing the changes in his expression Oh He smiled You could see how constructed it was One cheek and then the other cheek I lost it Thanks for burning that wood for us Guys, you know it doesn't get dark for like another three hours This is a waste Stop it No, you can't have my fucking shoes Fuck off I'm a giving person I need my shoes Where's Jeremy Irons Can we have summed up this opening hour in 12 minutes in like text Well, they summed up 100 years of christenedoms This isn't adultery It's washing That's what she wants it to lead to You know what they... Oh my god, are you a leopard? I do not wish to be horny anymore I just want to be happy Alright I'll have another one of these scenes We need this We need to have a subtle romance plot She is inviting it Why do you think I'm here? Just give it to our social fuck off You've been here for so long Why do we have just shy We have just shy of two hours to go You don't have to make a facial expression I know that Evelyn is not on the way to bed Just get it out of it Thought Acting You're a great landscape architect I dabble I like you, I don't know She just killed the light so we didn't have to see his face Go on, do the goo She is not moving I swore to be a good night Oh man, this is some proper love-making music I was gonna say I love this soundtrack Yeah Well, you have two guys This is purely coincidental that the two movies that we chose to watch with this group both involve Orlando Bloom awkwardly making it I promise it'll never happen again I'm pretty sure he does it in Pirates of the Caribbean at a sub point We ain't watching that Oh, that's over What was the point? The love is blossoming Get some fuck Here comes the plot Oh, Reynald Wait, who spoke to God? What's with all this slow-mo? Like shitty slow-mo? Yeah, it's like this super low frame rate slow-mo Boy, I sure hope nothing bad happens on the caravan today Well, half of those guys just stopped there, sure Are we meant to go or what? Counts longs against some caravan Oh, oh my goodness I love what I drink it Go, Brandon I love being a villain Damn Dude, these chunks Look at all this blood for when You know what? I just love killing innocent people I reckon those guys are the bad guys What do you guys reckon? Yeah, they might be bad You know the bad guys? No, but God will do it What you wanna do? God wills it That's a ho They tried to tell me something What's with the soundtrack? Is that my breakfast? Is it just me? What's the soundtrack? It's so complete, I'm fucking off right now Oh yeah, well I heard that you attacked the caravan It was supposed to be ignorant of your enemies Yeah, no army saying that's ever lost The six other crusades that we lost don't count See, God wills it This is like a little telephone to God They're like, alright, let's settle this Alright, just you two Play the checkers Best line of the entire film Yeah That is a pretty hefty army for those days, 200,000 Yeah, that's big Lots of food, we went over this in the Troy one Was there much of a choice there by the way? It's like they're getting attacked, right? I know they caused it in a way but at this point what can you do? Yeah, they have to fight Who are we? Who are we? That was a cool castle I like that castle Just all of you going to the fucking fortress That would be the best idea No, it's too early for that The thing is with the peasants not like evacuated into the castle They should have gotten here knowing what was coming Why not retreat as much as you can and then engage? No, they had a lot of stuff to do up there on that dirt It's just like wasteland around the castle Yeah, it's all just there's no farmland, no roads no bazaars nothing, it's just dirt Yeah, true Plus the cow looks like all the civilians are inside now so what are you trying to protect? What were the civilians doing? Can you guys run on? Just get lots of archers on the walls and make them cover the retreat No problem There's a scabbard noise It's like it was just a metal bar sliding out of a slightly larger metal bar See, they're heading toward them now It's like, but guys, if everybody's in you need to turn around This is the Game of Thrones school of cavalry It's fine Yeah, I don't All they had to do was move with the peasants as they'll get into the castle I have a feeling we're going to get a shot so it shows the peasants are all in If you wind up, they'd have nothing to charge against Hey, do you reckon our protagonist will die at the halfway mark? Sure, yeah, absolutely I'll make it out of this one Okay, turn around Turn around What the hell kind of formation is this? Guys, I ain't going to lie This ain't looking good I don't want to fill us with despair Oh, this is bad Oh, he stepped on his face Again, the horses know what's up They're like, I don't fucking have you They're like, fuck this, I'm out of here You humans with your politics Give him credit Don't take your mail! He's got to get his wonderful lock Literally was about to say, oh, at least he's not Oh, man The camera's very shaky Yeah, like It's very hard to tell exactly where the strikes are coming in sometimes Oh, what is that? That's so ugly Oh, it's gone now Damn it! What's happening? Every time I say, well, at least, like, literally the next scene is like, hey, fuck that, though It's knocked fucking out You're knocked out, you can kill How have you not been wiped out in, like, under 30 seconds? But, like, he is not unconscious and still no expression I know an expression of pain Hey, that's accurate, kind of It's just knocked on the back of his head He's like, okay, well, you know, it's fall over I'm surprised so many got captured and not killed, good job Yeah Ransom, and that actually was a practice Oh, he didn't kill him, stop baiting us Yeah My goodness, who could this possibly be? Oh, man, I don't know Your quality will be known among your enemies before ever you meet them, my friend Hello Did you actually think we were gonna kill all those people? No He was my servant Boy, thank you so much, he would not shut Oh Hang on, if that guy was the servant he was telling him to stop fighting Yeah, well You know, sometimes, he was not a good servant He knew he was gonna lose It was his time Yeah, he lucked out So lucky he met this random guy in the business that happened to be a high-up member of the opposing military And why that happened? Just surviving a shipwreck that killed every single person on his ship This film is interesting You may go into Karak, but you will die there My master is here This is honestly easily the best part of Kingdom of Heaven is the scale This is, you know, much more realistic than most, like, war movies because budget presents and effort on all these sets and all these extras and costumes and everything and the story is just, like, what the fuck Well, yeah This is easily the best of it I like to see those good kite shields there and front center Kites of a children's hat Howdy Well, that looks really fake Yeah, why does that look like a green screen? Are they on green screens? I think they are Oh, yeah, look at the shoulders I know all those shots will be punished They have green screens as well Do we have times? We have times Steve told you they just need to have a chat So everyone came out there for nothing Hey, better than killing everyone, right? Well, not for us I'm like, oh, thank fucking God we're not fighting today Are we not? Oh, sweet No, we have to march like 50 miles back to Jerusalem These guys were pretty eager to fight How much 50 miles back to Jerusalem Alive? Not on the front? Yeah, I suppose you'll have different preferences for different people Some people are like, you know what? I wanted to fight I did Going to battle was a good way to get a lot of money and get rich actually, back in the day You done fucked up, son Oh no, he's been hitting with his wand He should just spit in his mouth and give him leprosy Wait, I have a distinct memory He goes for it, right? So Slut me again, daddy I can't imagine his hits that hard considering he's so wobbly, you know I guess he really put it in But Brennan Glees If killing Saracens is wrong, I don't want to be right Go it up dude Man, hitting people is hard work, dude Would you give me an expression before I die? That's a picture of a little puppy He's like, come on No, Orlando, determined is not an expression Oh my God That was a Star Wars robot behind him for a second Why? There is also battles One cannot maintain a siege with the enemy behind How many battles did God win for the Muslims before I came? I think that's something he actually said Could you check that? That's because we were sent for It is because you were unprepared If you think that way, you shall not be king for long That a threat, motherfucker When I'm not king, I quake for Islam Thank you for your visit God, all right Is he Bashir from Star Trek? Yes He cropped up in a lot of movies after Star Trek did quite well for himself I knew he was in Game of Thrones I think you're right, actually He was the Prince of Doran in the wheelchair That was such a waste I remember how pissed everyone was and I was like, yeah Game of Thrones is going down It's going down You don't hurt little girls in Doran The king of Jerusalem will die soon When he is dead, the boy will become king of a kingdom he cannot control It's so awkward if those physicians he was talking about just straight up cure the leprosy It's like, oh He's so evil He's so evil He's so evil But at least you know what his feelings are He's on the other end of the spectrum What are you bothered about? I'm frown at you Does he have a long sword as well? Did they just all have long swords? Yeah Oh, that was fantastic What was that? What was that scene? Was that just like one of the actors fucking around in the journey? It looked like it I had a thought I had a thought around Wait, what the fuck? Brad and Gleason stop being spider-man To be honest with you, because of the slow pace of the film and this version of it I'm kind of on the side of the war mongers Yeah, just for the sheer excitement of it Yeah, just something to happen You know, leprosy feels like a disease that's a fantasy one, but it's actually for realsies Your body just falls apart Slowly, you're like, oh, that sounds horrible It's like, yeah, I know Season O always a bit misrepresented Like actually what it causes is just like you lose all the feeling in your nerve endings so you end up injuring yourself because you don't really detect that you're getting hurt I'm assuming it's more than just that, right? Because do you not heal or is this something else to it? I don't think you kind of decompose like you're like a walking, you know corpse or anything Treat him like a great It's caused by slow-growing bacteria I'm sorry, it did not react to that Do it again with your sword to my throat Is it totally chill to just put your sword to someone's throat and be like, yes That's how they say hello in the medieval times Okay It is time I feel like that's a common I feel like there's a trope in a lot of movies where the main hero sleeps with the villain wife because she's actually cool and he's just horrible Like the music Remember, these two aren't in love That's the key difference, right? The other two are in love, I think He just wants to have a casual fuck That makes you evil I'm here to do villain things I'm here to fuck you like a villain not a hero No See the same shit Then tomorrow I shall make you bacon and eggs with spooky music Yeah, slow motion of the bacon Evil bacon Zoomed into the egg as it's crackling Oh my god Denying the innocent life of the chick that could have come from that egg Is there a more pure evil? Are we whispering? I feel like it's better than yelling but still Remove your face I'm so glad they had that I don't know Dude, it's been a long time that I've seen a film with so many scenes that I would cut Don't even change, just cut Remove It should have gone all up if we let him do it We just doesn't blink at all in the movie as well Just have a cardboard I think we should have made it in the way of a mask Commit to it now, guys One day I would be the husband I was commissioned to be Then we must come to an understanding Turn around like a villain The subtitles would say I think it just has a villain-ish in brackets Villainously closes the door Villainously turns and exits room Fuck you, Kurt Certainly didn't go for like a nuanced antagonist at all He's just funny Well they certainly didn't go for a nuanced protagonist either So Jeremy Irons is like I've been here for 20 years but that's fine He just showed up last week I'm just happy to help You have my love I know I am Also I'm afraid Drinker could not stay for the remainder of the movie I don't think he considers it much of a loss though Yes It is a kingdom of conscience or nothing You were pretty willing to to commit adultery so I'm not sure how seriously you hold to those They loved each other and her husband was an asshole so like True love No that fake shit they sell on you It's not like fucking a bitch against a wall villainy Yo My grandfather took Jerusalem in blood I'll keep it the same way or any way I can Where is this coming from I don't know What the fuck What the fuck is this bloodthirsty woman person What is happening I guess she's just like She's just a bloodthirsty lady now There'll be a day when you will wish you had done a little evil to do a greater good A greater good A greater good He's the one in the cell right there with Rinaldin it Don't pull it away now Poisoned I have a problem Ah yes Balian All right So your advice is I should kill this guy I don't like and is in my way Those who don't kill Jeremy Irons it's fine Probably could have figured that out Without having to come and see him What's this psychotic bastard going to Advise me to do about Balian What's the strategy here Oh no No child So what is the child's a masochist now Or is he testing his life He doesn't feel the pain The thing is really he's like 10 years old He doesn't figure this out yet I was about to google leprosy And the first video comes up Leprosy is the second studio album By the American Death Metal Band Death What are we going to name our Death Metal Band Death Like they were waiting for him to say more But he just stopped I'm starting to think that google might just be a Shit search engine how is that the first thing It comes to It's the first thing in English that comes up for me Looks like wars on the menu boys Ripperuny my Deuterina You know how the action scene with the cavalry Heading toward the army I think that's only in the movie because they realize Like holy fuck people are going to be bored I think so But on the plus side the villains are in charge Now baby It's about to get fun He's got a goatee as well that's typically a villainous thing So yeah it's all good Keep the mask you'll be with a lot one day I don't think they should have shown it They just always kept the mask you know Behold your rightful king and heir Long live the king Holy hand grenade So apparently Baldwin the fourth The king here he is inspired He was the inspiration for the leper character In the darkest dungeon series Apparently in real life Baldwin appointed the five That the kid is the kid is an heir What the fuck What are they all in what One small What There's your Moses Christianity BTFO Yeah All of the Abrahamic religions destroyed Yeah Up in smoke I'm actually a medieval atheist Out on crusade Like a Yeah now that's fucking edgy A medieval atheist on crusade Fuck yeah We just need to give him a gun and then he'll be complete Why are you here Why wouldn't you want to see the guy who can Fuck Arizona Oh god what have I done No Jesus How have you set the desert on fire It's already hot enough There are only three versions I was throwing rocks for a while One of them made a spark And so he got fired We keep my brothers peace Is this what you want Peace Prosperity Economic success Have you considered the alternatives Oh no Now the guy's noticing he didn't even I mean it's going to be a while before he dies of it Right Call the treason And kill those who whisper it Alright chill Calm down fucking Daenerys over here Jesus Christ Maybe you were a mistake How did my boy His subplot was completely cut from the Cinematic release Really I don't remember Anything about the kid What a fascinating character I don't know what's going on You know The worst part of being a leper Is never being able to confirm if you're dreaming Perhaps we can teach the boy pain People who remember this movie for the battle Scenes I mean Bless him Oh no she's going Is she just poisoning him Does she kill you This woman is the villa's mom I mean I'd rather live to be I mean if my fate is to be The king of Jerusalem For 20 years then I'll take what I can get What the hell should be his choice to end his own life What a fake reign Why are you here stop it Go home Why is he just sitting there I don't know This is his tree he's the guardian of the tree Oh my goodness the knight That's a nice head you have on your shoulders And he just appears And I knew he was there Do I know you What is that You're acting like I just pissed in your chips You're acting like I just pissed upstream I'm still not going to form a facial expression about it Oh Why are we fighting I like The fact that he grabbed a rock and he's Looking for a way to get past the armor I hate the mates I hate There's a cabbage I am I hate him with that That's gotta fuck him up That was a bit telegraphed But okay okay Unreasonable I guess I have a sword Oh emotion What the flail didn't work I don't know Oof Oh Oh Apart from the flail Yeah I enjoyed that He already went fucking insane in this jail But this is the kind of energy I'm living for Oh yes that's right We're crusading boys We be crusading God save the king God save the king Oh he's dead I think these guys might be the villains No no rags This one is the villain How did he die He was poisoned I guess you're just the queen now I can't believe that It really feels like she did it for power Instead of Cause that wasn't a mercy thing What a shitty plotline Cause they're just like oh well He's got a leprosy die now Dude he's still got years to go What the fuck He's got like 20 years This happened There's two scenes What the hell happened with this guy Like by doing that she goes Hey you're here Cast kill like wounds Sorry he'll bomb you Why Why are you being a dick Damn what I am Well this guy's trying to start a war right Someone has to be the villain You just said someone has to be the villain It's like do they eat them Do they Not only that He's after Saladin's sister He didn't even brand anyone Run does she got leprosy Brander Still more facial expression Okay Um Wranglesons beard is pretty awesome They like flick it out It looks like real Real stylish Still just confused by that queen She didn't want to guide our power But by killing her own son She gave him the throne And his son wasn't suffering His son wasn't suffering The Sultan demands the return of his sister's body And the surrender of Jerusalem Wait a second Wait a minute You can tell they're trying to do right Saladin is in the right here Yeah like this was a pretty dick move If I'm in that court I'm like The baddies If I remember The cinematic cut simply had Gigi Become king after the regular king Wow Why are you guys fighting each other Wow Jesus Christ Wow I guess they have their will Wow As if he wasn't evil before Assemble the army That's a more reasonable sword for the period Yeah I like that guy with the mask better Ew If I remember The cinematic early simply had Gigi Become king when the other king died And that obviously made a lot more sense than this Weird subplot with the wife who Is constantly a character and murdering her own son If I were editing this film I'd be like Yeah it might be worthwhile to just Have the succession line mean him next The kid that we kill it's so weird Like Ridley I mean look what the fuck is going on In his defense he's probably pointing at the Historical record going well that's what she did The real person Probably had a reason I was gonna say I feel like it would have to have been more reasonable In real life than this bullshit No it's like The army cannot move away from water You have a chance That's just an intuitive yes When I wish A blacksmith to advise me more I will tell him It's like a nightmare right? Do you know what's really interesting about this Is that this is actually exactly what happened Yeah this is Is he a Baron or did he not get that position Yeah he's a Baron Okay but let's meet the enemies of God nearer well Yes Meet the enemies of God walk and get tired Totally down for meeting the enemies of God Yeah Remember they want Jerusalem and we have Jerusalem Yes So we actually don't need to go anywhere We could just stay here and wait for them Yeah and they would literally come to us The question king guy You're really angry Like um I wonder if it's bleeding into your policies Someone just points at the wall it's like Really good for defending Just saying Castle This is actually what happened at the battle of Hattin The Saracens surrounded the Frankish army where the Frankish army was crossing the desert so it was away from water It's like you fucking idiots You're in the middle of the desert Like the only thing you really have to worry about is water to be honest And it's like And there's fucking exploding bushes Yeah Flammable bushes and water It wasn't as much of a wasteland in the period it actually had a lot more trees and shrubbery around it was actually wiped the entire land was just scoured after one of the last crusades Yeah But I know ironically this is the stupid decision that they made March into the desert If they could maybe weaponize the burning bush thing find a way to Yeah I just love the idea that they're all scratching their heads like the what and it's like that stuff I got out of the ground You know I'm curious what did she pour in his ear by the way Any ideas on that Acid, it ate through his brain I was thinking like he wouldn't be able to feel it right So God that would be a grim way to go Pour acid into your ear I'm guessing that conversation was him saying I can't believe he killed his son She goes I know I'm kind of the villain I will It's like I'll kill you later I missed that conversation This would make more sense if they pitched it like they thought they had enough water when they went out But because they had Bailey and say you got to have water It makes them seem far more stupid than they probably would have been I'd picture the actual historical things like they thought they were fine they thought enough water and then Saladin is just doing good maneuvering and getting him to just run around and waste their resource That's what happened I'm sure that Saladin sabotaged wells and things like this What is happening over there Oh man they're doing a horse tornado Oh my god I haven't seen a good horse tornado in years And these guys know how it's done Look at those Indians They actually came Oh my god This would be a moment where they're like seriously They actually did All of them are in like swimming pools and shit They're just splashing water at each other Having a great time They got a water park set up A big slide They're punting Oh well How could this have happened What about Brandon Gleason and Evilman Man they brought this cross out here for nothing Yeah if you were the cross guy you'd probably be like don't kill me I carried this It sucks I'm just here for morale and it didn't work You guys have already beaten me In a technical sense I wonder if that armor is to scale He said ice This is real So Saladin he had this massive fuck off wagon that was made out of cork and it was super fucking thick on all sides and he would carry ice He would have an ice cart that was made out of super thick ass cork I just love the way he just auto combated the battle though No it's poison you fool I did not give that up to you They know he's dead I mean I'm not sure if both of them die in the scene but Brandon Gleason's out his lives are up He's gone He's leading everywhere Man Brandon Gleason just can't survive war movies Who's this character of the entire thing Even though wait he survives Braveheart right I think he does He throws the sword at the end Yeah yeah he's a good guy in that Man he's still alive I don't know I wanna see the sword Show me the sword That's a straight sword See that's accurate Yeah there we go That guy's looking like Jokes on you I'm into this Why are you not close enough to a great king to learn by his example Not so yeah Remember that masked guy He was pretty great You're so ridiculously evil You're so foolish You're almost There is no more Jerusalem Quite a male Not riveted, disappointing Your opinion Chad I know right I'll be with you He's no longer with me He's a really cool name though Tiberius He's way better than he Aw Lame You didn't even get to have a death scene I suppose that is the nature of war When people don't get death scenes Never historical whitewashing 400 What See that like flat terrain just in front of Jerusalem No If you actually have a look at Jerusalem now you see that there's actually a lot of Hills and inclines up towards the walls and things It's a man and a horse It's like Troy where they hide him behind the little Yeah there you go Oh us That's 200,000 When they cease firing we fire If those tribuchets are massive I'm gonna be annoyed like When they have tribuchets make them as big as Wall Wolf which is like one of the biggest ones in history But most tribuchets would nowhere near that size I'm ready to get annoyed Still better than having a catapult Right? That is true Well they should stay outside the walls What the hell It has fallen to us To defend Jerusalem They had a traction tribuchet there Against those who were not alive To be offended That's an interesting line The Muslim places of worship Lie over yours Which is more holy Hours? Hours are the better ones This is the worst motivational speech He's right, that is blasphemy You think this is not quite the speech they need right? Yeah Who would honestly have been better if he was like Hey everyone, do it Like a speech coming Did that feel forced to anyone else Like he could barely get the coaching out What emotion We have no knights Your knight and your knight Basically what he does No So he'll knight him and he's going to be like Oh my god that's so fucking cool that he starts knighting everyone He's like oh That's what it was He's shouting but there's still no expression I know right You see the people walking by I just need to be heard They don't need to be knights they were paying attention Yeah the people walking by one of them is like oh shit Is this are we, oh I want to kneel Safeguard the helpless So this doesn't really address the issue I mean I could see how this is a morale boost Yeah I could see that I'd like a regular guy getting Instantly knighted I'll be like so sweet Yeah Why am I the only one I could slap What about the others He was like I don't know we need people who know how to defend to defend And he's like well we can call these guys knights That's the grave digger From the start of the movie I don't know Making a man a knight Making a better fighter He was What's the line Yes Yes The line is yes Dude that is so bad Stop cutting to hurt That face The reactionary comes in from the left You see that person boy he had a better version of this Yeah I'm a knight now Low dare do I see my father Low dare do I see my mother Low dare do I see my mother Systems Blast the grave digger Rise a knight They beat me take me place among them Will you alter the world Doesn't Making a man a knight Walls of Valhalla Yes From memory this is based off of a historical battle And they did achieve what they were going for In terms of saving the people of the city To be able to leave in peace Yeah that guy should have been a protagonist He's big and handsome and he emotes See look he smiles Oh that's kind of awkward he got knighted After all those randies got knighted He's like yeah he's special He's a fucking knight Half a second smile Shoot him down No he's one dude calm down Yeah well I hope he's not Wow the organization Oh fire The rule of Oh they're all moving Interesting trajectories Oh they're ballists Oh my god The fucking nukes Whoa We're doing Michael I'll take you back I don't want to be a knight Fuck off Guys we're gonna be honest morale Not doing great right now Father I don't want to be a knight There were surprisingly few explosions Yeah there were just surprisingly few Explosions in the middle ages right It's really weird They had the only thing that exploded back in those days Were the bushes Oh they weaponized the bushes Oh my god they did it They've found the land against us Wow the editing Whoa cameras chill Look at the size of that wheel behind them That's like huge No they didn't have a mastery Dude that thing is enormous It's massive Like 40 carpenters to make Over this really long period And it was the biggest turn To move Can you imagine the logistics it was To move those things through the desert They built them easy to disassemble And then they'd have all their parts What do you guys reckon Should we cut every one of her scenes And the movie just improves Yeah There were a lot of scenes we could cut I didn't even get a 10 out of it Just checking to make sure our gunpowder stores are here They're acting like they're being bombarded With artillery which is what it looked like But holy crap Well I couldn't quite see what they were actually Tossing at them was it like Balls of hay on fire Or was it actually TNT or some shit Well they had some extras Yeah they had some extras from the Troy set Oh okay It wasn't novel stuff like a stone A little bit of C4 I'm gonna put that up before I walk over it Yeah well guy It looked like a real fire The sacrifices these actors make See all those siege towers that they showed Right siege towers are actually really difficult To build they take a lot of materials The crusaders took Jerusalem in the first Crusade with two siege towers And one of them Got set alight and fell down And they was able to take it with one I mean ask yourselves Have you seen any forests around Is it just me or does this feel That's why they're constantly burning wood And making siege towers I think they just burn wood for the fun of it Is it just me Well does this feel a little return of the kingish And it is 2005 so this is two years after That happened Like it feels like they're trying to be like Everyone loved Lord the Rings so Uh wow Oh it's a funny ad He chose to be king That's the guy you killed your fucking kid for No fire this time Why are they on fire they explode with their own fire That's way better I could like accept this if it was a fantasy Film but Man they could have kicked those easy Why would you not have been shooting knowing When they would arrive at the 400 number That's alright it's fine I'm just happy we're all having a good time They fire every once too Yeah they're gonna explode Oh no the stream Yeah we got it We'll help scream They moved to 100 yards Damn or maybe it's feet or maybe it's meters Or maybe it's thumbs or whatever they used to make It's thumbs 400 thumbs It's covered in arrows but I don't Why is it covered in arrows I don't Oh here we go we now have our guys shoot it Oh no Oh they're here Oh wow alright they're here now We skipped to 100 meters I guess Damn or whatever it is Some people might consider getting to the Wally difficult part They did it What's happening there Cause they're gonna set you on fire One of the best shooting arrows To set them on fire They would try and throw oil onto it and then light them up You know what I would have that jar of oil And fire ready for as soon as that You know lands you throw it right Yeah there you go Good job Hey that's great The water it does nothing Oh my god the water actually Spreads it everywhere oh no The water it does nothing Welcome up Oh that's gonna hurt I would hate to be one of these guys Right now Quickly get the ice This looks kinda cool Yeah there's good bits here Night time Okay The rest of the battle is implied It really feels like there was more to see there But alright Auto combat You guys know what happened How to resolve stalemate Try again tomorrow Jesus Jesus What the hell I just turned up the volume To hear the battle Do you think that was like Oh shit people might be full of sleep Again Hang on what's this Ballistas Hmm Well so far so good I remember what they do with those things Yeah men Imagine what they could have done with all the nights Stop cutting to her I don't give a shit Just sucks I'm just showing that she is an absolute nutcase Is like Balian Don't go after it Hey man Oh she's seeing His face in a mirror Oh my god Dear diary, day two Hey good old Escalade Good to see the ladders whipped down Yeah I got a new video's fire again This is a serious lack of Gimli Epic epic epic Celestial bone shit Yeah there really is no Gimli here Oh no the flag guy Fuck that dude That's a passive bonus for 30 meters You know what's funny about that to me is just like We got the flag I was like guys there's so much more to do But yeah That dude took my war hammer Why are you taking my fucking sword I need that Take my fucking sword to the middle of the battle Yours isn't your side motherfucker What the fuck did you do that for Oh there it goes What the fuck are you drawing Oh it was dramatically justified mate You got to understand Oh no he slashed right through that mail But he didn't Well yeah the mail didn't breach but his hand is hurt I don't know what happened Yeah I could see him getting a broken wrist from that Yeah I could hurt He got like ow ow Sorry this here is fantasy I figured it might be What is that He's an engineer he's so smart Yeah so those Those hooks would just come out Yeah there's no way the wood Oh that it attached to on the side There's no way There's no way that's happening I know you want it to happen but it ain't You guys just look at this This is not physically possible what is happening We made these things super heavy And yet Oh they like dominoes Wow Oh my god Jesus Christ Wow Wow He's like well played well played Yes well I couldn't have seen that coming Or anyone else ever Yeah I was going to say I don't fault Saladin For not being prepared for that to do this Cause like uh See look he's cut How did he get cut The mail didn't break For a brief moment The mail like Like sleeved up It slashed and went back down I thought he had mail mittens on as well He had mail mittens Didn't have a helmet either He's a hero why would he need armor Yes Dead war is bad Yeah okay can we go back to fighting I want to see more systems getting toppled over I think we should just get back to letting god decide the truth Yeah come on I know right Bring back Brenn Gleason How does he know everything Dead hearts No one else knew anything except for him Water you can drink it it's useful Oh my god that's incredible Also we can't leave a bunch of dead people around Yeah dead bodies they spread disease Oh my god this is revolution Write this down I like how the pressure was just there to be Yeah but god though Yeah next he's going to be suggesting we don't stand in our own shit The wall Where the Christopher gate used to be has been weakened I would adore into Jerusalem Okay I don't mind that tactic If they got like a weaker part in the world I would have objected if they just destroyed One of their actual thick parts of the wall But you know if this was Well they could do a bomb there and send an orchid They both simultaneously Both sides simultaneously discovered like that And knew that was going to be where they Went for it You'd think it's weird when I would have picked it up earlier or Kind of ISIS vibes to be honest Black flags Black flags in the background Yeah I was looking out of my window for things They're coming I hope future generations don't ruin the context Yeah Yeah See the problem is that these are less explosive Wow they're accurate Holy fuck It's like they're getting chucked from cannons It's nice There will be no quarter Will there be a half Of the weapons and nickels Let them come I don't think we got a choice Can we get a Jerry Ives to give a speech Come on Let their blood rain from the sky Yeah you compare this to like Aragorn and Theiden and you're like Oh my god you were in those movies Oh yeah You were so close to a good actor Did you learn nothing Yeah He did so much better Playing the wind Yeah I believed it Yeah Oh my god You know what you could have blown a pot Any part of the wall if you just aimed all of your Same cannon rocks at it Oh no Yeah I definitely wouldn't be first in there Hang on Nobody was shooting at them Nobody did anything about it I would just stand away You just throw my shield away What way are you shielding He's like I don't need that That's not useful I don't need a shield and a choke point Oh my god That's my sword What are you doing I guess a little hammer would be more useful in this Oh you got it back Seriously a little hammer would probably Be better though That rock was made of Styrofoam Styrofoam rocks Oh but the other guys did It's like both sides agree I like how little rubble there is around From the wall itself Look it's a normal Yeah It's an emotion At least yeah At least he's wearing his helmet still You know It's so weird that both armies decided that yes The wall will now take place on this wall Well yeah they most simultaneously Discovered that this is the place Where we have to fight In summary it was a long and Shit day What if they kill each other In this tiny little area See that I could imagine what it would be more like A tiny little choke point Like that The four archers on the wall are doing their best God bless them Just going to town They could actually take out a decent amount of people They're taking a lot of time to aim Just keep shooting Leave it to chance You can put that in God's hands What if they're just like The guys in the back are like Yeah go get them Yeah As soon as they blew that wall open Just drop a whole bunch of oil bombs Like yeah walk through there mother fucker Do it I love my Is he missing the red Oh it might have fallen out That would have been an empty detail But it's probably just an accident There's so many left Convert to Islam Repent later What Wow no one would know We're off down to Jesus Hang on let's hear it out We got standards in this castle Repent later Later Just do it We'll ask our new God Are we trying to get into the best heaven Or avoid the worst hell here When you yield that city No Before I lose it I will burn it to the ground I wonder if it would not be better If you did Have we stopped You know what Wow what a fucking Chad Yeah go ahead Chad Atheist Crusader Green screen nice Actually I'm not sure that's a green screen I will give Not this one there was like one shot From the side that looks super green screen And all your knights and soldiers And your queen No you can have her Your jing? I live to you Oh you can keep him for sure You know what If you want to be ironic You can drown him Christians butchered every Muslim Within the walls when they took this city I am not those men The Muslims butchered a whole hell Of a lot of cities as well During the crusade Both sides did A hell of a lot of butchering So just to say one side Then under these terms I surrender Jerusalem Cuck He's like You know what I'm going to Cyprus What is Jerusalem worth Nothing We want it because you want it That's what he's saying If you don't care about it It means nothing to me She's crazy Why is she coming here She's crazy She's crazy Cutting your hair Killing your son Giving the kingdom to an insane maniac We're all going except you Bishop You convert to Islam Nice speech bro I get to be barren a bit Actually he already gave it They're all coming close You can't give it yet In Balian's defense He did know to stop them all from getting killed He did I'm so proud I'd be like Fuck yeah So eventually terms were agreed For the occupants of Jerusalem To leave the city unmolested In return for a small ransom Per head to be paid to the Sultan But enough money was raised to pay for the freedom Of only around 18,000 Of the city's 30,000 inhabitants And the remainder were taken into slavery Whilst the lucky few made their way To the coastal city of Tar Which was the last stronghold held by the Christians Then under these terms I surrender Jerusalem What up? You've looked better Don't take her, she crazy Yeah Decide not to be a queen And then you come to him No Fuck you Oh no She killed a kid She murdered a kid They didn't say it about it I'm not saying that there aren't situations In which a parent could be pushed To such an extreme that they needed to A mercy killing to save their children From suffering That wasn't it, alright That wasn't there Oh, he's alive Why? What's happening? He wants to fight him The thing he said about the water Turns out it's not We get random boss fight At the end then Theatrical version? No, it was not He's gonna win This fella can fucking know it Yeah, I said we're just watching Yeah Aren't I the law that helped me I'm not the curry I'm not invested in this fight at all No The toad is so weird Yeah I can honestly see why it was cut Because this is So many cuts I can't tell what's happening Oh, he's doing the thing He's doing the stance I learned this in the beginning I can chop his head off for fuck's sake I have no idea if he's gonna kill him or not I don't know either, yeah I'd be disappointed if he doesn't Like He's a good man I proved my point Everyone in Europe's gonna know That you fucking like doomed us in Jerusalem With your bullshit Rise and night What? Dude, this guy destroyed me What? That is nice and night What? I don't I'm shocked I don't know what to say This is a bit of weird film Honestly Weird film I guess And that really annoys me When they try and paint A heroic thing Of the hero sparing An insane bloodthirsty maniac Who's not gonna change He tried to kill you He was literally a dick from the moment you met him He has been awful His ridiculousness cost so many people their lives His cartoonery His cartoon villainy He literally tried to murder him At the end as well Yeah, he tried to just kill you And he literally ended the kingdom I'm just waiting for him to turn back up again And throw a sword and be like, fight again, come on Let's go Favorite character How could you have done all the things that you have done Have you drained him? Oh, you're right I don't know what to say How could you have done all the things you've done It's like, good question Good question Everyone else was just really fucking dumb It's amazing that this extended cut Makes the film so much worse I think so I don't remember thinking this film was so fucking shitty For lots of different reasons I guess less is more We're gonna make the most of this last 10 minutes we have I mean, is this film trying to convert me to Islam or something? Like, the Christian's bad Those ones look good They are trying to almost twist Man, yeah This is like a triumphant You know, as it should be Seize her in the crowd Leave her Don't do it Don't you fucking do it Get on your horse and keep going to Cyprus Don't do it What do you see in her? What is it that you see in her? Cock Simp She's disappointed She's like, really? I've been trying to push you away really hard Even kill the kid Come on I can't do any worse It wasn't just killing the kid No, oh fuck off No, why do you think we want this one? She killed the kid and the king She killed the kid and the king She killed the king She killed the king She literally gave the kingdom The worst guy possible By murdering her own son And the film is like Oh, isn't that sad Aren't you sympathetic for her? No So, he could just return to the village He left and they are fine with the whole thing Didn't he burn down the... Did you burn down the blacksmith? That way, I mean Oh, this survived the experience, I guess It's just slightly charred Isn't this town need a new blacksmith or something? Yeah, they never fixed it since they were like... Oh, remember? He's kind of like his dad now She planted the tree Remember, she was planting the tree before And now the tree is growing It kind of makes you think about time moves on That's a cool castle Wow, he still can't make an expression And then continue until they speak something else That's a dumb line Hey, Rich So, Lionheart We come by this road to find Balian Oh, shit, that's Ian Glenn That's a Resident Evil main boss, Rags I am the blacksmith I literally just arrived home I am the blacksmith I'm the blacksmith And also the siege engineer And also the Latin reader And also the irrigation specialist And also the irrigation specialist And also the landscape architect And also Orlando Doom Wash your hands Filthy bitch Oh, the credits could roll at Eddie Sackard that I'm just begging for I'm not even gonna mention Should roll at Eddie Sackard No, fuck you Kill yourself Look, she's contemplating murdering him And taking all his stuff, I bet That's a nice train I can give you a son with leprosy Let me kill him She's a horrible person I know it doesn't even seem to recognize it But the film knows that we know it This is where my last wife killed herself I guess his arm is fine Should we just Lose his arm in the east times With this cut Wash it out Keep it in the sun, yeah So they just Where are they going? The real kingdom of heaven is the friends we made along the way Give them credit I don't know Nearly a thousand years later Peace in the kingdom of heaven remains elusive Thanks to what side? Well Well, that was a movie Damn, that was Written by Written by Let me see if there's a post-credits scene That sets up When the villain will return in Avengers The kingdom of heaven Well, I'm totally On board with the message of the movie Crusades are not actually good I agree Don't just run around and yell, God wills it And don't go away from the water for God's sake It turns out God can will a lot of different things for a lot of different reasons I'm not sure if he's Technically trying to say it Because they were trying to establish the kingdom of Jerusalem To be this high noble thing But the kingdom of Jerusalem was established Through crusading But then they're like Good point, Chad Bloodshed Yeah, so what do you guys reckon? The cinematic release was so much better Fucking mess Fucking mess What a film That was long I don't think I've ever seen a scene Where there is So much filler Yeah, man They really stretched it out Yeah, that is a lot of scenes Of people just looking In standing I'm trying to figure out If they cut it down For the sake of brevity For the cinematic releases like Oh, the cinemas we just needed shorter Or they actually realized the flaws In the scenes that they Ended up cutting because They're right to cut that subplot Of the lady murdering her son And they're right to cut that last fight Between the guy and Guy And stuff Because they try to be like Mr. B, he's going to go out And he's going to live a happy life With his Yeah, with his crazy This lady that he met in the desert And then they specifically show her Killing a kid But why though Like tactically Why The kingdom obviously Nothing, oh Jesus Because if the audience is like Okay, so they're going to like make a family Oh, that didn't end well There is no way near enough Stuff for me to like in this movie Like it's Struggling, you know, it's like Some little things Some of the actors who are Not nearly on screen enough Are good, like the whole thing Where he just has a piece of land That he brings water to The farm and all that stuff That would just happen Things just happen Remember when he was on a ship wreck Yeah, and then he wakes up on the beach And there's that horse in the sword fight Everyone's dead except him Remember when he was fighting the forest With Germans, like what the fuck are we talking about What's happening Most of the fight scenes Were decent actually There were some bizarre things here and there Like the whole Grappling hook knocking over The siege towels The amount of the siege towels Was baffling The actual siege tactics were just A lot of fantasy in there The individual fight scenes weren't bad The armour and weapon designs Were actually mostly good Except for the longswords That were appearing out of period But a lot of the other weapons And things, I was pleasantly surprised To see that they got the Middle Eastern swords more accurate I was like ok there you go And so it seems like they actually Put in some effort on that front So I'm genuinely shocked How much better the theatrical cut Of this was Because I actually really quite enjoyed the theatrical cut I remember like in the movie I don't know what happened It got me home so much sooner No, I genuinely had a good time Watching the movie, right Because as Shad was saying the fight scenes were generally pretty good Actually They were kind of interesting to watch The hit and miss I'd say Because a lot of them were There were some fight scenes where I just could not tell What was happening They did a lot of close cutting Which actually made it hard to see where the weapons were landing And so I couldn't actually tell If the weapons were going through the armour So they're set up for the fight scene At the well where it is attacked by the knights That's weird and dumb But the actual fighting where he picks up A rock smacks him when the rock gets that pottery shard It's like, this is actually good to I hated the flail, the flail was garbage But then they show the flail being garbage So I was like, okay, you know It's arms It's arms though And the one when they Ride into the cavalry And then they're having this big scrap The fight was quite entertaining to watch Like I was It's not just the cut It's the feel of the fight Like the blows felt fucking heavy You know Whenever you watch reenactments Like in the Hema and stuff It never looks cinematic So it doesn't look like it's really heavy But if you're doing it from the first person I'm sure it'd fucking look exactly like that Really intense So the feel of it I thought was quite epic in the fight And the way the armies looked Fantastic to be honest It didn't look great So that all really worked And the period setting and stuff It actually sheds autism About the sword's side I think it was never In the flail It was generally Fairly good representation of the time period And even the religiosity The fact that Balian isn't very religious Is weird The fact he's basically an atheist communist Is weird Why the fuck would you think that There's no special things being a knight What the fuck are you talking about You've been training in arms since you were seven Yes there is There's a lot of modern sentiments And notions interjected into the Do you remember that Robin Hood film With Russell Crowe He basically says the same fucking thing There's no difference between a normal man and a knight Yeah there is That's why the knights were in charge I can't believe The extended one was shit Because normally there's loads of stuff that the director Puts in that they couldn't fit into the cinematic But this was just like people walking People looking Doing nothing The occasional murder of a child What's going on My third part was when he tried to Graves he threw up Dude that was cinematic That scene was phenomenal It wasn't doing any like Sophisticated sword Swinging the sword around Grape He didn't even kick them Well done Didn't even get them Bizarre But I would have rated like the Original sort of theatrical one about 7 out of 10 So I did enjoy it But this I'd give a 5 or a 4 This was crap See I'm more harshy The cinematic one was better than this extended one I'm more harshy even in this Even the cinematic one because I'm Obviously a bit anal about certain inaccuracies But Yeah This extended one was so much worse It's almost like This is like a deliberate cut To make a bad film We just shot all this footage So we don't want it to go to waste So we're just going to put it in the movie All of it, everything that we shot That is legit how it felt To be honest I feel like that's about it It's going to be used in future for me as an example If someone says it's always better to have the director Well According to Collider Kingdom of Heaven isn't a perfect movie But it does have one of the best Directors cuts ever made Because of how it Recrafts the movie not for Spectacle or fun additions But entire subplots and character developments That make it a richer story Worthy of being A historical Straight from Collider Kingdom of Heaven There it was, I fail a bit more deflated than After watching Troy Troy was a lot more fun Troy had Actual characters throughout This had glimpses of characters You had a couple nifty lines In this film Achilles and Hector Were much better Man, like we were racking off the whole time But I think it deserves a wrap up analysis Because Orlando Bloom's acting Wow I forgot about our protagonist Oh my goodness So as I said at the beginning He can't emote And he can't deliver lines I stand by that He won't, he refuses to Literally won't It really is just It feels like he is just simply outright Fusing to act And I think about When Liam Neeson first came onto the scene And he had no lines But he was looking, he was reflecting He showed a bit of remorse Sadness, contentment And you're seeing all that just on his face Because it's changing emotions And it's just actually acting It's such Orlando Bloom and it's just It's like he's wearing a mask, it's just There Who was it that yelled, you know, move your face I just lost it You just imagined the director Move your face What are you thinking? How are you feeling? The audience has to know how you feel The audience has to know how you feel It's like a fucking robot wearing a mask It's like a fucking robot wearing a mask With the occasional uptick of the mouth With the occasional uptick of the mouth And you literally could have an animatronic version Of Orlando Bloom doing exactly the same motions Exactly the same motions Just deep fake him, it's probably cheaper I mean, look at the picture that metal Commanders put of the guy, right? I mean, you can say what you like about the character But at least the actor is showing me The actor knows I'm the bad guy Exactly, I know that this guy's got bad stuff In mind, great, fantastic I've known something about the movie, this is brilliant Ladies and gentlemen, I am gonna I am gonna evil it up But in the actor's Defenses, it's not his fault that like Literally, his entire character was just I am the villain You buy it halfway through Halfway through I was just thrilled That summary was excited about something Was doing something, kind of, yeah Yeah, anyway Goodbye to you guys home That was fun, we'll see you around next time I suppose Hurray for our next Orlando Bloom historical movie Yeah, oh yeah To the Caribbean Yeah, boy Out for a stroll, Ahwee What is this place Watch your legs. Noice. Slug. What'd you bring me?