 My name is Sam Battening. I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited. To victims of abuse, my advice is unequivocal. Leave now. Leave before the effects of abuse, including post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD. Set in and become entrenched. Leave before your children begin to pay the price as well. But if you insist on staying always against the best interests of yourself and your nearest and dearest, here is a survival manual with narcissistic and psychopathic abusers. First, five don't do's, how to avoid the wrath of the narcissist. Never disagree with the narcissist, and never contradict him. Never offer the narcissist any intimacy. Narcissists not only detest intimacy, they fear it, and they would react to any hint at intimacy as a threat. Look on by whatever attribute matters to the narcissist. For instance, by his professional achievements, or by his good looks. Comment on his success with women, etc. Make sure that you look properly astounded, amazed, and awe-inspired by the narcissist's force. Never remind the narcissist of life out there. And if you have no choice, then you have to remind him that there is life out there, not under his control and unrelated to him. Connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity. Do not make any comments which might directly or indirectly impinge on the narcissist's self-image. Perception of omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence. Here are a few examples of bad sentences, sentences which are bound to provoke abuse. I think you overlooked this event. I believe you made a mistake here. You don't know that. Do you know that? You were not here yesterday, so you couldn't have. You cannot. You should not. You should. All these sentences, or fragments of sentences, are perceived as rude impositions. Narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom. These sentences also tend to question the narcissist's basic premises. That he is all-powerful. That he is all-knowing. That he is infallible. That he is irresistible. Never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity. Don't start sentences with the words I, my, mine. Narcissists regard other people as mere extensions of themselves. Their internalization processes were screwed up early on, and narcissists cannot differentiate properly between themselves and others. They have no boundaries. They expect you not to have them either. And now, a few do's, what to do, how to make your narcissists dependent on you if you insist against your best interests on staying with him. First of all, listen attentively to everything the narcissist says, and of course, agree with all of it. Don't believe a word of it, but let it slide, as if everything is just fine, business as usual. Personally, offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist, which the narcissist cannot obtain anywhere else. Be prepared to line up future sources of primary narcissistic supply for your narcissist, because you will not be it for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you, which makes it a bit tougher for them to pull the roti stuff. But ultimately, they will abuse you. Even if you are the main channel of narcissistic supply, even if you procure new sources on a regular basis, finally, you will be punished and abused. This is an inevitability. So be endlessly patient, and go out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace, relatively speaking. Be endlessly giving. This one may not be so attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition. You have to give all the time, and you can rarely, if ever, take back. Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need, the excitement, the engulfment, but refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude or insensitive. Narcissists are dumb, rude and insensitive. Yelling back at the narcissist works really well, but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear that your narcissist may be on the verge or on the brink of leaving you. Silent treatment is better, is an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content. More with the air of boredom and ennui, and I'll talk to you later when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion. Call me when you grow up. If your narcissist is cerebral and is not interested in having much sex or sex at all, give yourself ample permission to have hidden sex with other people. Be discreet. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity, so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance. Remember, your narcissist is a paranoid and suspicious person. Be careful. If a narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on endlessly interesting group sex encounters that make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. You are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect of sexual partners, and that can get very problematic. Narcissists often contract sexually transmitted diseases. Very few spouses would agree to participate in group sex or threesons, but if your narcissist is somatic and for some oblivious reason you insist on staying with him and suffering this coexistence, this relationship or so-called relationship, you have no choice. Either you accept this kind of sexual arrangements or your narcissist will stray away and keep coming home with sexually transmitted diseases and new lovers every second week. If you are a fixer, then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become situations. Don't, for one moment, delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist. It simply will not happen. Not because narcissists are being stubborn, but because they cannot be fixed. If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition. And this is very important with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. Don't blame, not attack, not accuse. Simply make him aware of his condition and what it implies for the relationship. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly and emotionally, what are the limitations and benefits of the handicapped and how the two of you can work with these factors rather than try to change it. Finally, most importantly, know yourself. What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? Are you perhaps a co-dependent? Why is this relationship so attractive and interesting if you refuse to go away, to give it up? What's in it for you? Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship. The list may be much shorter than you have assumed. Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you which emanate from the unchangeable narcissism that he suffers. But this will be a limited success. Behavioral modification with the narcissist is both restricted and temporary. He will revert to form. I guarantee you that. All your work, all the enormous investment in trying to change one tiny aspect of his conduct which really, really matters to you, really affects you adversely, really ruins your life. All this investment will go down the drain within a fortnight. The narcissist will go back to what he has been. So any change in the narcissist can only be accomplished in trusting, holding, frank and open relationship. This unfortunately are not the hallmarks of liaisons with narcissists. Think well what you're doing, what you hope to achieve, what is it that you miss when the narcissist gives you and whether the narcissist is the only source in this whole wide world with 7 billion people in it, only source of this gratification and satisfaction that you seek. I wish you a happy new year. A year of freedom.