 I never thought that would happen like you could have never told me like during the relationship if you had said this is what's gonna happen in the end I would not have believed it I was so in shock. It didn't bother me that he was interested in others or wanted to experience things with others but I think on his and there's still some jealousy or possessiveness that he needed to work through hello there lovers today's video is brought to you in partnership by my favorite okay cute but that was so over of me but I'll take it okay I'll take the comparison nobody compared you you compared yourself and that's how that worked what do you do after a massive heartbreak when you have lost faith in love and your ability to find it where do you go next how do you begin again and I wanted to answer that question not just by telling you but by showing you with two incredible women Nia and Sukrit who had both just gotten out of an open relationship and we're finding it really difficult to find the strength to start all over again and I found that while dating I'm kind of scared of emotions because I'm like oh my god I can get hurt again then I re-strategized their ideals around breakups and gave them a five-step program that I want to share with all of you as well too when it comes to not just getting over your last relationship but getting better as a result of your last relationship and then finally I took them through okay cute but step by step remade their profile we did some swiping and we made some pretty stellar matches the reason why I chose okay cute but to help these women get back into the swing of things is because it's the best damn dating app on the planet since it matches people on what matters to them and I also want to help you match on what matters to you specifically if you're watching this video because you can personally relate so go in the info box and download okay cute but right now at the end of the video I'll give you more details on how I'm doing outreach specifically for you guys but before we get to that let's start with these two women and what they're currently going through emotionally do you consider this to be your worst heartbreak on the scale of what you've experienced honestly this is probably my worst this is the most emotional like it was so depressing this was your first major relationship yeah so was this also like your first heartbreak yes we moved to New York together we traveled together he was kind of my best friend and in a time period where I didn't really have support from my family it kind of felt like he was my family too so but this past year um in the fall I decided to move to Los Angeles and I asked him if he wanted to go with me and he tried but it didn't really work out for him in the same way that it did for me he was an exchange student at UCLA I wanted to continue the relationship once he left we had a mutual agreement to do so but um the weekend that he would like his last weekend here um he went out of town and spent it with somebody else like I know I love him but it was just the fact that I was always putting him first before myself and the thing about this is is that this wasn't like he went out of town he went to a bar met somebody and felt a connection he deliberately decided to go yeah spend his last few days in this country yeah with someone else exactly but then came back to you and said but it's you I still want to be with yeah even when I moved here um I was like let's try and open relationship and that's kind of something we were like moving into even before I left I wouldn't necessarily mind monogamy but I also think a part of me is like suited for something that is more towards like polyamory or something more open I don't think love should be possessive or jealous okay I guess in terms of desire I don't think desire should be repressed necessarily and I think over the course of that relationship I kind of like quelled a part of myself that was more curious or expressive or just social because I knew that it kind of bothered my partner well the caveat to this relationship is that you guys were open yeah so explain that element to me and why this was a betrayal even though you guys had agreed you could see other people so we did agree to be open it was more so sexually than emotionally and with him in his head he was like this is some girl that I've fallen in love with so the fact that it was more so an emotional thing and him going out of his way to go see this person and not telling me I was mad that he wasn't he didn't tell me I don't disbelieve that exes can't get back together but I do believe you have to end the relationship that you had before and completely end that relationship and heal from that relationship and then you could try to move into something different with new terms that are fresher and that honor who people actually are so you broke up with the relationship as it was right you immediately tried which I don't recommend but you immediately tried to rebuild and restructure a brand new relationship and he said no to that one yeah did that surprise you maybe not surprise it just really hurt and it made the decision of moving here even harder but I had to do it for myself but I didn't expect to feel so strongly still I was just like well I still love this person and none of these feelings have gone away but we're not in a relationship so that's that I guess that just makes me think about sacrifice because like it could have worked if I stayed but I would have been sacrificing my own growth to continue a relationship which was disappointing it could have worked if he allowed you to leave and chose long distance and open but then he would have been sacrificing what he needs in order to feel loved and fulfilled in an intimate relationship I think it's very difficult to have a relationship go from monogamy to open completely seamlessly because there is so much to unpack when two people come together they both agree they want open that means they've done that work by themselves come to that decision now that's a choice they're ready to say yes to but when you're in a position where you've said yes to a certain kind of love that's been reinforced through media and through your parents and through cultures and customs for so long to make that adjustment really suddenly I think very few people can do that and should be expected to do that and we did talk after like after that we did still kind of talk as a couple and we did remain friends because he really wanted to be friends but um and once again you spared his feelings by I did I was like I'm well I do love you so I still want to keep you in my life but in the end like we didn't we didn't even remain friends like we don't even talk anymore so going forward do you want to seek out partners who want an open relationship as well it's not a main criteria but I think one thing that I really want is someone who's not for me jealous or possessive you said exactly like me I mean like my it's funny because you know our our version of open essentially means like it's always your decisions and when people think open they think it's the constant engagement of that option like if I'm open then I'm always seeing someone else or I'm always seeking out other physical connections but to me open just means creating a space where anything could happen depending on what you feel is right for you as an individual yeah and especially in a society that does put a certain pressure on people to take control of their partner and take control of their partner's choices I think in order to find somebody who's compatible with what you're looking for they have to embrace that term in some capacity in the beginning of the relationship the relationship I was very self confident like very secure in myself and I saw that all fall apart just from being with this person so just also being able to focus on me is something I think is very important well we're going to go through five steps that I made up this morning that are going to I hope give you a strong foundation not just to get over this but to get better because of this and the first thing I want you to do is throw out three words for me which is heartbreak love and missing would you associate that with your ex yeah so the reason I want to rebrand those words is because I think that there's a more accurate way to describe how you feel as you're moving into this new phase and moving out of that relationship the first is getting rid of the word heartbreak I think the word break obviously stems to something being broken something needing to be fixed and ultimately we are pair bonding mammals and you are designed to connect with somebody in that very deep way and you were actually designed to break up with that person and move on and find different primates to connect with and so you're really not broken right now you're just going through a strengthening exercise you are practicing this routine you are learning what it feels like to be fond of someone to give yourself to somebody and then to lose that connection while still keeping yourself the word missing I want you to adjust with with drawing right so as you know again it's a psych major love is a neurological condition that is addictive right like you have been chemically bonded with somebody on such a high level and so you're naturally going to miss them but truly that that is is withdrawing yeah of the addiction if you quit cigarettes I wouldn't expect that next week you'd be fine I wouldn't expect that in two months you wouldn't still have some urge does that mean that you and cigarettes are meant for each other no no it just means that you were an addict and it takes some time for it to get out of your system and while there are parts of that person that you still value you really aren't missing anything because you have everything you need right here and the last and hardest one is getting rid of of love I think love is um an overused word yeah right like and love to me while love yes does have some properties of it of just altruism there also has to be reciprocity in there right like in order for you to love somebody you have to love the experience of them you have to love what they've done for you love who they are in your life and that's difficult to really do with an ex especially somebody who's treated you wrong and so while you may have loved them and had a period of time of loving them at this present time they don't provide any value to you they don't have any long-term benefits and they don't see you for who you truly aren't want to uplift you so if anything right now you're still just addicted right so whenever you think about like I still love you're just like I'm still addicted the second thing I'm gonna do is just kind of honor your decision to make that break and to really make it clear why it didn't work so if you could write down for me the specific things that you think character wise or incompatibility wise why this relationship did not work and is not going to work character flaws selfishness so I wrote possessiveness jealousy resentment passive aggressiveness a difference in what one desires in a partner and physical distance our love languages were a little off I really um value quality time so I really like spending time with whoever like I love and he would kind of be like overwhelmed by it I think as we changed over those six years our ideas of love and relationships also changed so we weren't really meeting each other's needs anymore I would see him following the crowd a lot even if it was not the right thing to do he even if he like knew it wasn't the right thing to do or even if he didn't want to do it he would still do it because everybody else was doing it that was something that I really just didn't like honoring one's truth by discerning when a relationship has run its course listening to my intuition valuing my needs and fulfillment learning to say no and encouraging and inspiring my partner to be himself even if that means our relationship changed when he got angry it was like we're gonna break up like he made up his mind before we had a conversation you know I think we were discovering this is just not the right person at all sometimes you find the right person and they have all the right attributes but it's just the wrong time one or two they don't feel the same way about you yeah it happens it's happened to me a ton at times um it was the right feelings the right qualities just ultimately the wrong pairing this case is just wrong so what's great about that is I think moving forward there's a lot to learn from and then also there's more reason to get over this breakup with more confidence and with less doubt in yourself the next thing I want to ask you to do is there an email chain a text conversation something that is indicative of this list that you made something that really exemplifies all of these things that make it not work yeah I believe all of them but there is this one specific um moment that I really think of a lot that kind of just disgusted me which was the first time I was ever kind of just like you can't honestly think like that like how can you think like that so I think what's important about those conversations and for anybody who's going through a recent breakup I agree deleting a lot can be important but I think keeping a record of a conversation that really exemplifies why this didn't work this is what I did massively after my breakup because every time I felt the urge to talk to that person because again I was an addict who was withdrawing um I'd want to reach out and instead of reaching out I would just reread an email and it would give me that dose of connecting with them in some capacity because I could hear their voice again I could picture how they'd say things but it would also remind me why ultimately this was never going to work the next thing I want you to do which hopefully at this point you've done I feel like you have because you're so incredibly emotionally intelligent I'm just blown away by you um do you have an accountability partner someone that you can talk about this to talk to this to and somebody who is aware of this list and knows why this isn't a relationship that you should slide back into I feel like I have fragmented accountability partners like I don't have one specific person who does it fully but I think now that I've been talking to my friends more they're also kind of like no you shouldn't return to that like my two roommates my friends I talk to them a lot if I ever have that urge or that feeling or if I just need to talk about it I talk to them mm-hmm yeah that's beautiful I want you to actually share this list with them as well too okay because what your accountability partners do as well too is prevent you from making the same pattern mistakes because a lot of times people get out of a breakup right and they're like it's that person but that drive within themselves to seek out those qualities still exists so even though you remove the individual you haven't removed that root problem that was attracted to someone like that and so when you tell your friends who are around you they can remind you and be like hey your new partner is just a different hair cut yeah it's the same shit different packaging yeah so I want you to be as clear with them as possible about what your goals are what you think your mistakes are and what going forward you never want to do again so with that being said as we move into looking for a new partner and closing the chapter on this particular relationship does that give you anxiety does the word close give you anxiety are you okay with it now I think I feel better now especially after this discussion yay I'm happy to hear that okay well now that we close in the door I want you to identify your top five so as we use okcupid now to look for other matches for you we're both going to swipe at the same time okay and us having this top five will help to inform what we're looking for in a partner so I put one emotionally stable oh yes please uh two securely attached three sexually compatible four faithful and five similar interests now that is fascinating why explain faithful so I wanted I was like tatering between trustworthy and then faithful but I think someone having a strong faith and whatever it is that we're creating together is important to me because I goes back to like that vision of what our relationship is so you didn't interpret faithful as um honoring fidelity oh so you mean full of faith not necessarily faithful all right um emotionally aware smart intelligent trustworthy adventurous sexually compatible gorgeous this is a really beautiful concrete list I think gives me a very clear idea of what kind of person that you're looking for and so that being said are you ready to look yeah okay you're just not getting hyped with me I just um so you download it okay keep it at this point okay we're going to create your profile from scratch because this is you're new to dating apps yeah I don't use dating apps okay you didn't use dating apps but now you do okay so now we're going to go over to your profile and set that up okay because you are oh you've got a picture up there yeah I put some some pics cannot be a picture of you and your friend to start oh my god you know this all right so here's some tips for a great first photo use magic hour lighting have a pop of color lean into sensuality versus sexuality and tell your story will you do many honors of reading you're about and let me know if we have to make some tweaks or if I'm hella on point if you want to do something crazy I've got suggestions I'm from New York currently in my senior year at UCLA and lived a whole other life in Atlanta asked me about it I'm a psych major who's an overthinker and loves it let's connect if you want to overanalyze the last movie you saw that's perfect yeah usually in bios I'm just like hi text me but when you think about what you're looking for in a partner you want to exemplify the traits that you also about yeah ask me about medium format film photography I put a little rock star mode here I'm an artist but I'm not sensitive about my shit I think of you as somebody who's in a learning phase who's like open to hearing and open to growing but you might be sensitive about your shit no I've actually wanted people to be more really honest with me because even as this relationship has ended there's those people are just like ah finally I'm like why don't you say anything why did you wait to say something you should have said something so now we have to answer some questions we're gonna try and go quick on this okay how long do you want your next relationship to last one night a few months several years the rest of your life I think to that extent because I've really been just talking to people and thinking about what love looks like for my generation and no one really has long-term committed relationships I guess I'm wondering like how what level of commitment can I find because that seems like something that isn't really present somebody actually said this to me once they're like is there no difference between ready and wanting to find the person you're going to marry or spend the rest of your life with and just fooling around and figuring yourself out like is there nothing in between like are there no ethical people who are saying look I'm not ready for that long-term commitment however I do want to have a healthy positive exchange that mirrors the feelings I would give to my potential lifelong partner right like we're in practice right like that's the thing in practice you're supposed to do the same drills exercises and techniques you're gonna do in the game but a lot of people treat it like well it's just practice I'm gonna fuck around and be an asshole I think what you're looking for is people who are ethical practicers and having that faith that that can happen is big I always say to people like whatever you think is true I believe you if you don't think that there's going to be someone who's going to commit long term you're probably correct because you're going to be moving in an operation where you're like well I'm just going to be a bit of a motel data meaning I'm going to date as if I'm going to leave tomorrow because this person's never going to stay so I would just probably recommend that you don't worry about that you just worry about being great to good people and then if it lasts a day great if it lasts 20 years awesome are you ready to settle down and get married right now absolutely no way get married yes settle down no get married no settle down yes I'd say get married no settle down yes which word describes you better care for your intense you're gonna say intense and an intense person would be like over analyzing this so let's go with that your ideal person care for your intense also intense I guess I'd say carefree I'm definitely carefree and you want an intense or carefree partner maybe a little bit of both you can click both all right choose the better romantic activity kissing in Paris kissing an intent in the woods it's jealousy healthy in a relationship no your ideal person no no it's not healthy but it's normal so those were just 15 that you have to answer when you sign up but there's over a thousand more so if ever you're at a time when you've gone on a few dates and you're just not getting the right person even going back to the questions to redefine what it is that you're looking for it makes it easier on those dates to know what to be asking for yeah okay we're finding great people for you now so just tell me when you find a yes and then you can explain to me why so I can learn you a bit better and then I'll show you somebody if I think that they're a yes for you he works in real estate speaks English some French and a lot of the other things if money were no concern what would he be doing traveling that's important so is he a yes yeah he's a yes okay oh you both like each other yay look at that and you just signed up so we're actually going to message him because okay we'll message her 2.5 times we're more likely to get a response and plus you're a pro so you already know what to say so why would you waste time okay so I got bonjour I speak a petite amount of French but down to learn more can you teach me something that will make me sound like a pro so like you've left it open-ended so now he could say something dirty he could say something funny he says something educational so you're kind of just testing to see where his mind goes first I think that the idea of testing is has a bad rap in relationships like was this some kind of test yeah motherfucker I'm trying to figure out if I should invest a really important part of myself in you okay walk me through why why he might be a yes I like foods the important thing to do when you're messaging somebody on dating apps is you want to reference something in their actual profile because it makes it clear that you pay attention and that this isn't a copy and paste message okay I'm into Melanie easy outgoing outspoken and down for random adventures I like listening to music and dance I also like going on hikes love a good hike yeah yeah so yeah okay this sounds promising he's got long hair born in Venezuela he works with lights in the film industry he's an INTJ which I love people who know they're Myers-Briggs he loves me new people going on damn good dates and seeing new places with new people who know what's good to see sounds fun this sounds like a this sounds like a good one creating the life I've dreamed of in California grew up in Europe moved to America when I was eight recently graduated and I'm now working in digital consumer marketing I think values are an enormous part of a relationship so in the spirit of openness here are some of my core values this person making it very clear that like oh we'll be talking until four yeah and this is what I want yes so yes okay I just think for a look this might be an interesting take for you I like to take photos of them hey do you want to swipe it yeah all right I'm about Cristiano look like oh we're on the same one give him a chance right yeah we're doing the same time yeah one two three swipe that should give us some kind of like super swipe powers I know all right that's it we're actually going to message everyone that you like okay thank you to Supreet and Tania for trusting me not just with their stories but with their heart and I am more than confident that placed them in good hands now that they're officially okay cupiders which I'm not sure that's actually a term but anyhow so I'm my fellow okay cupiders who are watching this video right now if you want to head and download the app in the info box send me a screenshot of that and then tweet me or Instagram me a short blurb of where you're at emotionally I'm going to be choosing five people to work with one-on-one to curate your profile for you so I'm looking forward to seeing and hearing a lot from you guys and remember go in the info box and download that link from me so you can start matching on what matters to you peace