 Okay, so this is called a workshop. That means besides me working, you're meant to work because nobody can do the work of forgiveness but you. Now, all of you have probably come because if you have any type of relationship, someone has hurt you or betrayed you, deceived you, disappointed you. It's hard to get through life without that happening. Is there anybody in here who has not been hurt or disappointed or deceived or betrayed? Okay, so we're all here on the same page, me too, right? So before I start, I'd like you to think about who you want to work on, wanting to want to want to want to want, however far you want to do it, to forgive. You might not be yet ready to want to forgive but there's a part of you that wants to want to forgive because when you think about this person that's hurt you, it hurts. You, right? So take a moment and write down what you write on your page as confidential, private for your work. So take a moment and start with that because if you don't acknowledge the pain and you don't acknowledge that you want to want to forgive, you're not going to forgive. So what is forgiveness? We use that word very easily. What does it mean to forgive someone? When you think of the word forgiveness, what does it mean to you? I'm going to write that down. I like six, six words. What does forgiveness mean to you? Peace, letting go. Letting go of what? Forgiveness is validation, like validating your own pain. Not thinking about the person all the time. So peace of mind. So I'll put that up here, peace of mind. There's a lot of peace but that's one piece of peace. Acceptance. Opening yourself. Opening yourself. So can we say open-hearted? Is that okay? Big harm? Atonement. Atonement. Being at one in the moment, when you think about when you need to forgive someone, where are you? When you need to forgive, when you're in the place that there's someone that is needing for you to forgive, most often it's happened in the past, right? Sometimes that past could be five minutes ago. Sometimes it could be five minutes, I mean five days ago. Sometimes it could be five years ago or I've had clients who are holding on to pain that happened 50 years ago, as if it happened five minutes ago. It stays very raw. So at one, with the one minute is like what I'm going to use is that you're back in the moment. You're at one in this moment, you come back to present time and that person probably isn't, that isn't happening right now, but you're still with your head remembering what happened and it's as if it is still happening. Okay, so clean slate. Clean slate. Fresh start. It's like wiping the past. Okay, I'm going to go on. Think about it because I just have a look. You look like you really want to say something. Peace in the family. Okay. So it creates peace, not only in your own mind personally, internally, but allows for there to be peaceful relationships. So peace also in relationships. And we could keep on going. Sounds good. Okay, yet it's not so easy. Sometimes it's not so easy because people have a misunderstanding of thinking what forgiveness is. So I want to go and say what forgiveness is not exactly good. It's not justifying the action not not not not justifying okay, not discounting the pain, not discounting your own pain. So it's not ignoring that you were hurt. It's not. And that same thing. It's not pretending when you're when you're wiping the slate. It's not by pretending or ignoring. It's not pretending. It's not. It's not trying to distort reality. What else is it not? No, you're doing well. Say that again. Right. It's not right. It's not for the other person. Sometimes the other person doesn't really care less. Right, which is pretty sad. But that could be so it's not for the other person. Just want you to know it's not condoning the act. Big distinction. We're making a separation between the act, which we're not justifying, and we're not condoning. But we're looking to see if we could forgive the person very different. Can we let can we move into a place of anger and pain to a place of forgiveness? And there are steps. It does not happen by just saying I forgive the person. Okay, it just even if you want to forgive the person, that's where you start by wanting to forgive the person. It's a right. It's going through a process. It's going through a workshop. Okay, there's no, you know, there's sometimes if it was so easy, then what when it's easy, we call it excusing. You know, when you come in late, you say, excuse me, I'm late, or your mother writes you a note, please excuse her for her tardiness or, you know, or there because there is an excuse and you ask for an excuse. That is simple. I'm sorry, I forgot your birthday. I was in the hospital. So that's not such a big deal. But when you feel that you've you've not it's not just your birthday that's been forgotten, but you've been forgotten. Right. That's when it really hurts. Okay, now when you think of this person, that you're either hurting or being angry about, just take a moment and shut your eyes and feel as you think of this person and what they've done to you and feel what it is in your body. This just feel what happens to your body. Some people have ruminating thoughts. They cannot fall asleep or thinking about it over and over again. What I can't believe they did this, right? You can think that for on and on and on and you get caught up in what I call the drama, which is the lower circle. Some people anybody with stomach aches, headaches, jaw, low energy. Studies have shown that when people are angry, they are less resistant to diseases. People they've done studies with people who recover from cancer. And there is a correlation to anger, grudges, the desire for revenge. They've done studies on that. People who are openhearted versus people are angry guess who gets better faster. Any guesses? Before I go on to the seven stages, I think you'll understand if we look at the picture of the self. It's a model. It's a model that I use in my work and it's helped a lot of people. The center circle is what I call the present day aware adult. We're dignified in that place. We make a choice. When you feel that you're coming from a place of resourcefulness and assertiveness and dignity. And justice, justice is actually even a higher self quality. There's harmony in a certain type of justice. But there's something in the lower circle. And the lower circle here has none of them. But there's many, many, many different qualities that come into the lower circle. And not necessarily they're bad, but it's whether they take you over or not, or whether you use it. For example, there's the pusher. So Julius has been pushing for a number of days to get this event together. If he wouldn't have pushed, we wouldn't be here. But we also call the deadline yesterday at 11. I don't know if he went to bed. But you know, you have to have some place where you can make a limit. If your pusher takes you over, you don't know when to stop. So revenge, where there's a just a desire to hurt someone or to show power over that other person, you hurt me. And I want to show that you don't have power over me. So the desire to show that you don't have power over me. I want to have power over you to hurt. So that's, there's kind of like the teeter-totter syndrome. If you hurt me, I'll hurt you. If you're bad to me, I'll be bad to you. That's what I call the drama back and forth. Now we're going to talk about justice a little bit more further on also. So the lower self in the center and again, it's not bad or right. We're all vulnerable. And we all have insecure thoughts, insecure beliefs. There's all of these places that we've been hurt growing up. And sometimes we develop sunburns. And then some somewhere someone does something. Let's say if someone if someone has waited for their mother continuously to pick them up from kindergarten grade one, grade two, where you have to get picked up and they're waiting out in the rain and their mother comes a half an hour later, sometimes an hour late, sometimes forgets them. You can imagine when her husband comes home 10 minutes late. It's not the same as if she had someone has not had that experience. So he walks through the door and this lady, this is a true story, is furious at him because she feels like she didn't matter to him. A lot of times it's not the event. It's the interpretation of the event. Now, that's the job of the present day where adult to evaluate to also understand whether you have an activated part of you that's in the lower circle, right? So we're going to be talking about the steps where we want to move from being wounded and angry and blaming and judgmental all these qualities that we sometimes serves us by the way, but mostly we get stuck there and they kick us over. They're not serving us and we want to move into the higher circle by going through the present day where adult to move to a place of openheartedness, compassion, forgiveness, acceptance, love, connection, even when it doesn't mean that you're going to reconcile because there's no if you just feel this dynamic is going to happen over and over and over again and you're just going to get hurt over and over and over again and there's no possibility of changing it. It doesn't mean you have to be in relationship but you also don't have to be in pain. You can't forgive someone who's done pain to someone else, okay? Forgiveness is between you and the person that wronged you. If someone's wronged your sister, it's very like it's it's you can't forgive that ex-husband. You can forgive what the ex-husband like that if you feel insulted for yourself. One, it doesn't work. This process doesn't work because they haven't done you wrong. Letting go and forgiving, I gain is for you. It's not for the other person but I will address the whole thing, the need for justice. Maybe I'll just tell you the story of what helps me. It's a story from from the Bible. Joseph was sold by his brothers as a slave and he ended up in Egypt because of misunderstandings. They thought he wanted to be in charge of them because he told them dreams where he was in charge of them. It was understandable that there was a misunderstanding. So they sold him. He goes down to Egypt. He's a slave. It's very interesting. He's put into a dungeon. I mean he has his he has his journey and then the journey is that he's taken out of the dungeon and he's made second to Pharaoh and so when there's a famine in Israel and when it's time that we're exiled to Egypt which is part of God's plan he's there to set up a place for them. If he wouldn't have been there and there would have been a famine they would have gone down there and all been slaves or second class citizens or whatever. He's God put him there in order to provide a haven for them in a safe place to go in the beginning of the exile. Now when the brothers after Jacob dies the brothers are really worried then now Joseph is going to punish them. Right? They sold them and they are very worried and they come to Joseph. This is a straight up narrative in the Bible and say our father said that you should forgive us. It wasn't true because the father never knew the story. Joseph kept it to himself and the brothers certainly didn't tell him and Joseph cries. You think I'm still holding on anger? You don't realize that I understand that you were just tools for God for me to come down here? I forgive you. He put God in the picture. That's on Thursday. I'm going to put God in the picture. It's very different when you have God in the picture and you know that God judges. The continuation of the story that's in the Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur Muxar, I don't remember right now because this isn't part of my notes, is that there's 10 martyrs that we talk about I believe on Yom Kippur. The 10 martyrs are killed in horrible ways and the Zohar brings down that they are the reincarnation of these 10 brothers because for kidnapping it's one of the commandments you shall not steal. It means you should not steal a person that it is the death penalty. The brothers did not have the death penalty. Later you have to believe in reincarnation but it makes sense and it's actually you don't have to read the Zohar for this. Most Muxar write this down in the footnotes that it's understood to be that these are a reincarnation of those previous brothers. God is in charge of bringing balance into the world. Now if Joseph would have put them in jail or he would have executed them, it wouldn't have looked so good to the Egyptians that the brothers murdering his brothers. They wouldn't have understood the whole story. It would have affected all our Jewish history. So sometimes we have to trust that there's a purpose to something and God is taking care of the justice and we can let go of the justice if we trust that there is a creator who is the ultimate judge that can put everything and put everything in its place. I do have seven steps. I will go through the seven steps some more in depth and not but really the first two steps which is the one is to hold it to recognize that you're angry. If you're not angry and you're not holding them accountable then you don't need to forgive. So it's okay. You need to start with being angry. The second step, hold on for a second, is that there's pain and confusion and it doesn't feel justified. It doesn't feel justified. It doesn't feel justified vis-a-vis the person and it doesn't feel justified. Where's God in the picture? If you don't have that pain you also don't need to go through the process of forgiveness. These two feelings or thoughts, blame is more a thinking part. First there's the pain usually for some people. I mean it depends on people's natures. The first and second really depend on like a person's nature. Some people go into how dare they, he shouldn't, she shouldn't of whatever and some people go ouch that really hurt. They forgot about me. You know everybody else was invited to the the symptom. Why wasn't I invited or you know someone's keeping kosher? Like why couldn't they provide kosher food for me? Is it so hard for them to do it? Like it's like that thing but really what's underneath that suit is like you're feeling like you weren't taken into consideration. That your feelings and your needs don't matter. Bottom line, think about what the pain is. Bottom line, this is my premise, like it's that center inside where you felt I didn't matter to the person. I'm not important to the person because if I would be important this wouldn't have happened. If I lend someone a thousand dollars and they don't return it they're using me or they took advantage of me. How could they do that if they care about me? Right? This is bottom line. If you take it down, down, down, it's because I don't feel that I really matter and that hurts and it hurts to hurt so then we get angry. That person is a jerk or that person is dishonest. I don't want anything to do with that person and then what are we trying to do is protect ourselves from the pain. We make them all wrong and we get very you know self-righteous right? And what is that? That's the lower circle. If you look at the defender we want to be safe. We want to feel safe. We want to feel accepted in our relationships. You know that not forgiving hurts because you're stuck with the pain. The other person could be in Jamaica and not care less or actually be dead. Now I have a friend Claire and I've asked Claire if she would do me a favor and plug in that microphone before I had this microphone. So I'm asking I'll come back to this microphone. I'm asking Claire, Claire would you as my friend would you plug this into me? Now meanwhile she's had a grudge and she's like oh this is my opportunity and she plugs it into a socket that and I'm being shocked and electrocuted. I go really a shock shut it off shut it off right so anyway I'm going around dancing around saying look what she did everybody did you see that I asked her to do me a favor and she plugs it into this shot thing and she likes the power over me. Now I'm dancing and I'm wanting her you put it in you pull it out are you going to do it? Absolutely. Thank you what happens when you tell someone I need you to do this and they don't do it and I'm still dancing around. Some people do some people can't some people won't some people don't even know you're dancing around. She plugged it in she went off she thought she did me a favor. I'm going Claire she's in her car and gone no intention. Now just as an aside I asked anybody here has anyone ever has anyone not been hurt and every nobody put up their hand has anybody not hurt anybody either on purpose or by accident or by unconsciousness can anyone of you put up your hand and say I've never hurt anybody sometimes on purpose because we're angry because we were hurt sometimes because we weren't conscious sometimes we don't didn't have time sometimes because we didn't know I mean I've called up people and they'll say oh I thought you forgot about me right I didn't mean for them to be hurt or to feel that they weren't important to me sometimes I don't go to a some club because I don't think I matter to them and then the person will say is everything okay I go you notice I wasn't there it wasn't my intention it was my own it was my own negative thinking about my own value and because of that I hurt someone and they go oh but you're really important to me of course I missed you I thought oh really sometimes because we undervalue ourselves we hurt someone many different ways so recapping step one stage one is know that you're angry and hold them accountable because if you're not holding them accountable if you don't hold them accountable you're not going to be able to let it go like if you just pretend nothing bothers me and how do you know if it's bothering you is is your relationship strained are you calling them less are you answering less are you making less plans to go out with them are you ignoring them are you pretending to be polite because you don't want them to know how angry you are okay so anger anger means you're holding them accountable that's the first circle there in the top of the lower circle if you get stuck there it's lower circle some people can be angry forever really forever okay and I'm sure that hurts and people will justify every everything will have a justification I'm going to just say another thing about this model um the ego likes separation because when you're separated you can be superior well the higher self wants connection and closeness but there is a part of us the lower self the ego that wants to feel self-righteous wants feels powerful and being angry and even there can be a times that we can get identified and enjoy feeling like a victim poor me life's so unfair people are so not nice look at what they do poor me there's people that that's how they get attention to themselves from other people they tell the story over and over and over again I've had a client like she told me a story and I said have you ever shared this with anybody she says yes you're my tenth therapist I go oh she said it's a good story right I said yeah do you want do you want to stay in this story like what what does it serve you so that's the question now how does it serve you not to forgive what are you scared of if you do forgive and you get a minute and a half to think about these two questions now how does it serve you to stay hurt and angry or one of these lower circles blaming self-righteous judgmental you know critical whatever and what's scares you to let go because there's a reason why you haven't let it go and it needs to be acknowledged because if you don't know what it is you're not going to be able to provide another way for yourself I've been doing a lot of work you're trying to do some work because I can't help you forgive someone if you don't do the work okay did every I just want to know did everybody come up with at least one thing because if you don't think better you're not going to find another strategy you're using to hold on to the anger and the pain because you feel safer from being hurt again in the past and or they don't deserve it and they don't okay a hundred percent they don't but when you say they don't that means I'm going to hold on to this yes you understand she turned it on and I'm not letting go and she's whether by accident or not by accident she's living her life and I'm holding on she was nice she took it off some people do not know that it's okay to put it down and find another way from present day and we're adult in the center from a dignified place of to feel safe if people take advantage of you it's probably because you don't know how to set limits or boundaries but it's all their fault they should have known I have a hard time saying no or I'm on the bottom right corner there's the pleaser which one of us like to please people but then we want to be appreciated and then we want to reciprocate it but the person doesn't know that you're looking for something back and they think you love pleasing and so they'll ask you again and they'll ask you again and they might even ask you again because you're saying yes and then you go boy and you're resentful they take advantage of me can I borrow a hundred dollars shirt do you mind I need another hundred dollars shirt another hundred dollars sure then you say oh I've lent you three hundred dollars kind of I don't have three hundred dollars for returning I didn't know it doesn't matter to you since you have a lot of money you didn't say I had a return out I can give you ten dollars now right but you didn't set terms you didn't ask for an IOU that's easier to blame the other so present day of we're adult is that you look can you take care of yourself in a more dignified way in a less painful way what would you need to protect yourself is it speaking your truth most people if you go up to a person and this is what we're so much wanting from the other is we're wanting it from the other and if we can give it is like is the for the person like if you think about it you really want them to acknowledge I've hurt you or I've disappointed you or I wasn't there for you or I let you down and I know and and I really am very remorseful and I'm sorry about it and I was out of my mind I don't know where I was or what I was thinking I was distracted or I was overwhelmed or I was caught up in other things and please forgive me and I will do my best not to do it again now do my best not to do it again doesn't mean that's not going to happen again because how many times have you made resolutions that you're not going to eat chocolate or get to bed on time or not to watch three sessions on the television before going to sleep or many other resolutions that you make for yourself that you really want to do for yourself or resolutions that you've made that you know I will be on time from now on or I'll clean up after myself whatever we promise ourselves or another and it's hard to do it so other people will also state intentions and really mean it because at that moment they are in present day we're adult they're speaking their truth they mean it they intend it and then there's a weakness that comes up and they go into lower circle either they're weak or they're needy or they're scared or they're feeling vulnerable and they do something again from their old habits that doesn't mean that they didn't mean it when they said it just like when I say I know I shouldn't eat chocolate I know that my present day adult is committed to not eating chocolate and my inner child is committed to eating chocolate and sometimes that part wins and sometimes this part wins because I don't live my life at a present day we're adult I don't know too many people who do but what we're trying to do in our own lives is called frequency intensity and duration and this is also what we want to offer others the frequency of how often they fall into lower circle or we fall into lower circle the intensity of it you know like if someone you have an argument with someone and they insult you there's minor insults to major insults right it's the you know the intensity of it like you know or even the intensity of how loud their voice is and the duration of it very many people when they get hurt they withdraw and the person and most couples like this god has a very funny sense of humor the person that needs connection when they're feeling insecure is married often to a person who needs to withdraw when they're feeling insecure right and that so that creates more pain because the person who's wanting connection is trying to take care of their feeling insecure and the person who's withdrawing is trying to take care of their their pain and they have two different strategies for doing it at that moment they could be in lower circle that's worth it that's why I've drawn a circus as many many circles you know in the three ring circus we have many different voices competing for attention so the more often that we can move out from our own drama or appreciate that the other person's in drama and this is like one of the stages i'm not doing this in order is that when you understand that people have their history their vulnerabilities their insecurities their needs and usually except for people who are bad and there are bad people in this world there are evil people either because they're psychopaths or because they've just been so wounded in their life that all they can do is take care of themselves there are evil people but mostly people are not evil mostly people are doing the best they can with the tools that they have coming from the place that they came from isn't that true of you that you're doing the best you can with the tools that you have coming from you have and what tools that you know to do and so some people do not have very good negotiation skills some people do not have very good communication skills some people don't make requests very respectfully usually because they're scared deep down okay i remember my teacher okay stage one is the anger and the blame if you're not angry at them and you're not blaming them and they didn't do something wrong they don't need to forgive them okay of course you're going to be angry and you have justification we're not arguing about that number two you are feeling hurt disappointed pain wounded sad something because if you could blow it off you wouldn't need to be here three there's some kind of fear of moving forward and resolving it you need to identify it number four responsibility and self growth i'm talking about that way more on thursday five understanding compassion and appreciation appreciation is looking for the good side good points there's been a good friend sometimes you're willing to overlook something because of the relationship even though she plugged it in you know i'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt have you heard that expression don't we want the benefit of the doubt when it says love your neighbor like yourself the same things that you would like to offer it so understanding and compassion that means moving from the lower circle that has all the drama and all the pain and all the anger i want you to know there's a lot of people that that's where they feel alive their energy comes from feeling sorry for themselves asking other people to feel sorry for them or being caught up in self-righteous and they don't know who they would be without it if you don't like living there then you need to use your present day wear adult to move up to get compassionate eyes i mean i've been weaving it in in and out as i've been talking we're wanting god to forgive us we're wanting other people to forgive us we're wanting other people to give us the benefit of the doubt that they didn't notice or they didn't know or they were tired or they were busy or they were overwhelmed we want them to understand that about us can we understand that about them that they have their limitations their weaknesses sometimes their culture sometimes their experience people who went through the holocaust we have to have different expectations of people that didn't go to the holocaust people who have who never been married might not be as have i'd be affected in some ways and people who have people who don't have children do have children so many different things the way they were parented or not parented we don't know how people what people have gone through i can tell you myself that i've been invited to people's houses for shovis and it looks perfect i'm shocked when the woman calls me up and says she'd like to make an appointment well what could possibly be wrong everything looked great and then there's a story that for a million dollars i wouldn't have guessed of what's going on you know when the storekeeper yells at you or is rude to you probably his spouse was rude to him that morning or he doesn't know where his child is or they're closing down his business or someone has been diagnosed with cancer we don't know and sometimes even when you ask them they might not even know can we give the people the benefit of the doubt that for where they come from what they've gone through the tools that they have or don't have that they're doing the best they can and might not even know that what they've done is inappropriate the present day we're adult is resourceful active empowered strong clear sees the whole picture in the lower self writes little circles because each voice believes it's totally right every feeling has a belief when people feel self-righteous they have a belief and evidence to support it when a person feels like it's not passive aggressive means i'm upset but i'm not going to let you know about it and i'm going to show you without telling you yeah i'm going to show you without telling you it's not like stepping up and saying i'm really upset when we say we're upset to someone and now it's step one to going through a process this this letter is actually like it creates the possibility for reconciliation if you don't let a person know that you hurt me or i'm sorry that i hurt you then there's distance it's actually you know it says do not hold a grudge in your heart guess where is what you're supposed to do with it not talk to other people about it right that's called lush and horror not to hold it in your heart that's called holding a grudge guess what being revenge was on that same list what are we supposed to do talk to them about it so if you think present day we're adult believes that the other person is not going to be in present day we're adult you do not talk to them it takes two present day aware adults to have a healthy productive conversation if you're in present day we're adult it's not going to be safe to talk to someone who's in drama so you protect yourself with healthy strategies assertive strategies your your responsible says love your neighbor like yourself guess who comes first they don't tell you that in the class in the Torah classes if you love your neighbor like yourself because i am god loving yourself honoring yourself respecting yourself all that is present day aware adult from that place you can love and respect and honor the other but if you're in lower self and you're pouting or you're feeling like a victim or you're in rage you ain't going to have a healthy relationship and you're not going to be very dignified the ideal the ideal but we don't not everybody in every situation is ideal the ideal is that if you can go to the person this is the ideal situation and say i want you to know before russia shun is coming because some people don't know about el but russia shun is coming everybody knows russia shun and everybody knows that it's a time for cleaning the slate you say russia shun is coming and i really wanted to take this opportunity to clear the slate with you and you probably don't know that when you did or didn't do da da da da i was hurt by it and i'm bringing it up because our relationship is important to me and i really want i don't want to be holding on to the resentment or the hurt and that's the reason why i'm bringing it up not because i want to blame you or hurt you i'm not saying that brackets but if you come with that kind of an attitude i'm really doing this because the our relationship is important and i mean feeling like i've been holding on to this resentment or this grievance or this hurt or this disappointment and i my guess is that it's a misunderstanding and i want you to know that often it is a misunderstanding i'm shocked by how many misunderstandings there are i'll tell you um there was a um just an aside i do this a lot but in um in the neighborhood in harnok where i live people put up a sign to invite you the whole building to the simcha because you know you don't i don't know why but that's what that's the custom mostly and the son was up there and there was a neighbor and she was expecting her across the whole neighbor to come the sign is there meanwhile the cross the whole neighbor never saw the sign and she thought she wasn't invited to the simcha so she didn't know because she didn't get an invitation the friend the some the neighbor thought well the sign's up there for everybody to come of course she's coming so meanwhile she doesn't one thinks i wasn't invited and she's very hurt and the other one thinks she didn't come to my simcha and she's very hurt well now they don't say hello on the on the staircase anymore they don't come out and borrow sugar from each other anymore they don't come over friday night to talk anymore like when the men go off the show each one thinking that the other one's doing it they happen just like again like god grand designer they both recline some mind they both tell me the story and i realize i believe you live i believe you live ah same people so i confidentiality i can't tell them that i know what happened but i could convince them that perhaps there's a misunderstanding both of them were a hundred percent sure that their interpretation interpretation was a hundred percent correct so unless you're willing to take an oath that there's no possibility of a misunderstanding and i can't tell you how creative misunderstandings are i'm waiting for someone on brand street and harm enough we make up brand street and high tide well this was like the first week that i moved in i know where brand street and high tide is and i'm standing there meanwhile brand street is a crescent and both sides are high tide and brand state and this is before cell phones well eventually i go home and i'm quite upset really underneath the upset is that i feel like the person stood me up right i'm hurt but i'm feeling very upset well i'm not going to call the person the person stood me up they should call me and apologize or give me an explanation the other person's upset that i'm not at the right place i don't know why we both assume the two wrong places but it happens and that's a simple physical misunderstanding that you're in the wrong like and you don't know you're having a misunderstanding if i would have known that brand street comes out in two different ends which obviously i learned often we learn things the hard way so this is the thing about down the hospice giving the benefit of the doubt that perhaps the person might have misunderstood you you know when you when you're wearing gray glasses where nobody likes me you put on these glasses and you know what you see nobody likes you if you're wearing black if you're wearing a sign kick me people will kick you there's always somebody that's going to oblige if you have people take advantage of me people will take advantage of you if you have a belief you have a certain type of energy or a certain way of being and it will happen and it will prove you right now then you'll say see i'm right people take advantage of me but that's because you're a pleaser and you can't and you have trouble saying no or you have a hard time setting limits or whatever okay from when you get to a place where you've gone through all these other steps and now we get to six would you really want would you like a relationship with this person or don't you want a relationship with the person guess what it takes to you can decide you don't like the way they are you can let go of the pain and not want to be with them you don't have to be angry or painful or judging them you can say i don't like a person that i can't depend on because they're probably not going to change so much to be dependable that's really what you need you don't have to be with someone who is abusive you don't have to be unless certain other needs are being met and then it's your choice because you've chosen that even though it's abusive and you don't like the abuse but there are other payoffs there are other needs that are being met and so you're going to put up with it but then just take responsibility that you've chosen to do it because there are other needs that are being met and that's your decision and your choice and when anybody on the outside will look and say well why do you put up with that because they see one part they don't see the whole picture nobody sees the whole picture and you know what even you don't see the whole picture so it's your choice but once you make a choice accept it don't keep you don't have to hold yourself as a victim or the other one if you remember you can say i don't like this behavior but overall it gives me security or gives me status or gives me a house whatever it is then appreciate it appreciate why you're staying there that let's go of your pain and let's go of your anger you know what things might actually be a little bit less tense inside of you at least it's okay present day where adult evaluates the whole picture and we can never judge why someone decides a certain way but it's your decision you take responsibility for it so next stage six is you look at what your intentions are what are your needs are can you make a request for it can you negotiate for it or not and if you can't is is it still do you still want to be in a relationship your choice which leads when you're evaluating about what your intentions are what your wishes are what your needs are then you can still let go of the pain you can forgive the person for doing the best they can with compassionate eyes you can forgive yourself that you're doing the best you can in the circumstances that you're in and then you decide whether you reconcile or you don't reconcile does a person have to be married to an alcoholic does someone have to be married to someone's abusive does someone have to be with an abusive can be verbal or physical it's your choice no there's the um there's there's there's a thing about being giving people the benefit of the dealt means like not to be judging them that they did something deliberately bad deliberately bad it's like saying like the person is doing the best they can with the tools that they have available you don't have to like them but you don't hate them there will be people that like you a lot there will be people that dislike you a lot there will be people that you like a lot people that you will dislike a lot but that's different than hating them hate is poison that hurts you it's okay to not to reconcile we can forgive the definition of forgiveness with never reconciliation you can look at any dictionary you can forgive alone that means someone owes you a thousand dollars and you might realize that they just don't have the where for all to give it back now you could just keep them in debt and you can feel like they're owing you the money and you can be resentful and they can feel that like they can feel that you're resenting them and then they can end up feeling embarrassed to see you and they just don't have the money possible so now you don't have the money you don't have the relationship have you won now if you really trust that they don't have the money and they if they could they would so why would you want to lose the relationship as well as a thousand dollars and pray for them to win the lottery or to get a job you know but there's a lot of people that borrow with the full intention of paying back and they want to pay back and they're embarrassed that they're not paying back and it hurts them not paying back and now they're embarrassed and you're angry and it's just more pain now there's another person that just keeps on borrowing money and that you and they're using it for drugs so they're not looking for a job and you're resenting them and they feel like you know they're just not doing it but then why did you keep on you know there's one loan and you don't get it back and you realize they're not responsible why did you lend them the second sometimes we set ourselves up anything that you do from the higher circle is always guaranteed to be a win-win it's always a win-win now even if you decide not to reconcile with the other person just the very fact that they know that you're not hating them or grudging against them or um wishing them that's already a service you freed like it's me letting go of this cord is letting it go like we're no longer attached through negativity right it creates more positive energy in this world by just letting go of the negativity and the other person is does feel it i want you to know like i've been doing this workshop for over 20 years and often everybody of you have thought about somebody will be interested come back and tell me if anything shifts between now and even thursday people have told me that they've gone home and on their answering machine from people that they haven't heard from for years there's a call saying you know i'd like to talk to you because you shift your energy where you're more open-hearted people feel it