 J-E-L-L-O! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with, This Is It. You know, it's always quite a compliment to say that somebody is a good mixer. Well, that's just what Jell-O is, for Jell-O combines perfectly with every sort of fresh and canned fruit. And that's a swell idea for right now to brighten up wintertime menus. Perhaps a game old of orange Jell-O with canned apricots inside. Maybe rich red strawberry Jell-O combined with sliced fresh oranges. Or delicious cherry Jell-O arranged in shining layers with sliced bananas and canned cherries. There are dozens of combinations to choose from, and they're all grand. For Jell-O brings you that wonderful extra-rich fruit flavor, so tempting and good it rivals the taste of the real ripe fruit. And Jell-O's clear glowing colors look so lovely with the fruits held shimmering inside. So give your family some of these delicious Jell-O combinations soon. But be sure to make them with genuine Jell-O if you want to enjoy Jell-O's extra-rich fruit flavor. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who used to be a beautiful baby, Jack Benny. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, I like that beautiful baby introduction. Was that just a lucky guess or did you have authentic information? Well, Jack, when I was over to your house for dinner the other night, I took a peek at that old family album of yours. Oh, God. And I must say you were a gorgeous infant. Were you really so good looking? Well, I don't want to sound foolish or anything like that, but for the first 17 months of my life, I was a length ahead of Robert Taylor. In fact, I won four blue diapers. I can imagine. And you know, Jack, one thing that impressed me very much about your baby pictures? You were always laughing and giggling. What made you so happy? Well, Don, my nurse used to slap me a lot. Say, I bet you were quite a healthy-looking kid yourself, weren't you? Well, Jack, I... Yeah, I can just see you as a baby, Don, bouncing your mother on your knee. Yeah. Well, anyway, I'd like to be a baby again. I really shouldn't keep talking like this, but I was about the cutest little dickens and walking-in. In fact, people from all around used to come to my father's meat market just to see me. Meat market? Why I thought your father ran a clothing store? Well, Don, it was a combination meat market and clothing store, you know. On Saturdays, we used to have a special, a pound of hamburger with two pair of pans. Oh, it went over very big. Say, that's quite a novelty. A combination meat market and clothing store. Yeah, we used to sell legs of lamb with garters on them. Oh, those were the days, believe me. You know, I remember one time when I was only... Hello, Jack, what are you talking about? Me. Oh, that again. See you later. Mary, come back here. It's not my fault. Don just happened to mention that he saw my family album and that I was a beautiful child. You beautiful? Yes, I was. Not only that, I developed very quickly. When I was only three months old, I had four lovely teeth. Well, you're right back where you started from. Now, listen, Mary, I have a full set of teeth right now. And with the exception of a little argument I had with a cab driver and Toledo, they're all my own. Go on, you've got more bridges than San Francisco. Oh, running down San Francisco, huh? That's a trouble with you Los Angeles girls. Jack, did I hear you say that you had an argument with a cab driver and Toledo? Yes, but of course, that was years ago. What was the fight all about? Oh, nothing. He just happened to say something I didn't like and he hit me. Otherwise, Toledo was lovely. Say, Don, when you were looking through that album, did you see the picture of Jack's uncle on the big white horse? Yes, I did. That was my uncle Beaumont. And did you see the tree in back with the rope dangling from it and that big crowd of men standing around? Mary, my uncle didn't steal that horse. That was just a scene from a western movie he was making called The Code of the West. It wasn't a real hanging. What are you laughing at? Just the same. He never saw the preview. He did too and he was a fine actor. Say, Jack. Oh, hello, Kenny. I didn't see you. Oh, I was around here. I heard you telling everybody what a beautiful baby you were. Well, Don brought up the subject. I had never mentioned it. Have you got any cute baby pictures, Kenny? None where I'm facing the camera. Oh. You know, Jack, I wasn't a very pretty kid, but I was as smart as a whip. Smart? I'll bet you were. All right, you can laugh. But when I was 12 years old, I resided at the Gettysburg Address. At 12, what's clever about that? Could Lincoln do it? All right, Kenny, we won't go into that. But if you were so smart at the age of 12, I'd like to know what happened to you in the meantime. So would I. Well, I'll tell you what, Kenny, since you're singing your song now, we'll talk about it later. Hey, Don, where's Phil? Oh, he's around here somewhere. By the way, Jack, I don't know whether I'll tell you this or not, but Phil's pretty sore about that crack you made last Sunday. What crack? Oh, you know, when you told him that if he didn't like it here, he could go out and get his own program. Oh, well, gee, Don, I was only kidding. I didn't mean anything by it. Well, Phil took it pretty seriously, and he said he's going to leave. Leave me? Why? Why, I made the guy. See, when I picked him up, he was demonstrating curlers in a drugstore window. Oh, I must talk to him. Sing, Kenny. Gee, people are so sensitive nowadays. You tell them to quit, and they quit. I can't understand. Hear a love song for a penny. C-C. Just a penny seven A. Once I strayed near the window of a love. And she smiled a penny seven A. One of love and sweet serenades for me. In my heart I played a lover seven A. You can hear it for a penny. C-C-C. Just a penny seven A. C-C. Hear my love song for a penny. C-C-C. Just a penny seven A. A dream so divine she was mine. No word had been spoken. When I awoke from my dream she was gone. My full heart was broken. Hear my penny seven A. C-C-C sung by Kenny Baker, my favorite tenor. Say, Kenny, did Phil happen to say anything further to you about doing his own program? Yes, he mentioned it. He did, huh? What'd he tell you? Funny, but I ain't no pigeonhole. That's too old-pigeon. Pigeonhole. Say, Mary, did Phil say anything to you about this wild scheme of his? Well, yes and no. What do you mean, yes and no? Yes, he told me, and no, I ain't gonna tell you. Anyway, I think Phil ought to be at least loyal enough to discuss it with me before he takes any definite steps. Hey, Jack, here comes Phil now. Oh, yeah. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. How's the boy? Jackson. You don't feel as cute the way you call me that every week, you know? Say, what's this gag I hear about you getting your own program? It's not a gag. You and I have been fighting so much lately that I thought it would be better to call it quits. Oh, that's silly. Silly nothing. You're just tough to get along with, and that's all. Who, me? Yes, you. You're always flying off the handle. I am not. I'm sweet and love them. And you're always yelling and shouting at me. Shouting at you? And you're always losing your temper. Why, you baggy-eyed ingrate, I never lose my temper, and you know. Of you, you rat. Oh, sure, sure. Now, you listen to me, Phil Harris. Gee, you think they were married. Keep out of this, Kenny. Let's forget it, Jack. You're just tough to work for, and that's that. Oh, I'm tough to work for. Did you hear that, Mary? You think I was a regular Simon LaGrie? All you need is a whip. I wasn't talking to you. Now, look, Phil. Look, I'm not begging you to stay on this program. Get up off your knees. I'm not on my knees, and I wish this was television so I could prove it. Look, Phil, I'm not begging you to stay, but if you leave, you're making a serious mistake. All right, Jack, give me one reason why I should stick with you. Just one reason. Well, well, in the first place... Go ahead, give me one reason. Well, well... Ladies and gentlemen, while Jack is thinking of one reason, why don't you run out to your nearest grocer and ask for a package of jello? It comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Well, for one thing, Phil, Harry. All right, come on. Why should I stick with you? Well, for one thing, we've got a contract. A fine contract. I supply the orchestra, and when people throw money at us, I have to split it with you. Well, how often does that happen? Maybe once in a fort knit. And another thing. Oh, Jack, what are you beefing about? He wants to go. Let him go. Certainly. You can get Abe Lyman to take his place. Oh, that would be fine. Abe Lyman happens to be the cab driver that punched me in Toledo. That's all I need. Jack, you know a lot about music. Now, why don't you form an orchestra of your own? Well, maybe I will. Say, I could organize a darn good swing band, believe me. If you do, I've got a swell name for it. Never mind. What is it, Mary? Jack Benny and his Cut Rate 12. Listen, Mary, I don't have to worry about getting a band together because Phil is only bluffing. If he went out on his own, where would he get a sponsor? Don't worry about me. I've got a sponsor. Oh, you have, eh? Well, who is it? I mean, what's your product? Bixby's Bubble Gum. Bixby's Bubble Gum? I never heard of it. Well, here, have a stick. Keep it. Hmm, Bubble Gum. That's not the only opera I had. I could have gone on the Air Force Macmillan's Corn Plasters. Corn Plasters? Yes, Corn Plasters. Well, that would be more your style, half the time your corny and the other half your plaster. If you're smart, Phil, you'd stay right here on the Jell-O program and I'll try and make life a little easier for you. And now, ladies and gentlemen, pardon me, come in. Well, the mayor of Van Nuys. Hello, Anne. I'm seeing you. You don't get around here as often as you used to. Well, Buck, by the time I get through with the farm and the city hall and my love life, I'm pretty busy. Love, huh? Oh, so you're going in for a little romance, eh, Andy? Little nothing. She weighs 300 pounds. 300 pounds? Why, you never told me about her before. Hey, she ought to make a nice wife for Andy, eh, Mary? Yeah, he can hit her to the plow. Well, Andy, uh... Well, Andy, tell me, well, Andy, tell me, you're going to get married? Well, that's the reason I came down here, Buck. I'd like to ask your advice. Well, Andy, as long as you want my advice, all I can say is, if you love the girl, go right ahead and propose to her. Well, I have, but every time I do, she just looks at me and giggles. Giggles? Pa thinks she's an idiot. Oh, what is your maw thing? Maw, sir, Pa's a fine one to talk. Well, Andy, don't pay any attention to them. Just follow your own heart. Say, is this girl from Van Nuys? Yeah, she's in business out there. She's a plumber. Oh, a lady plumber? Well, 300 pounds. Hey, Andy, how do you manage to hold her on your lap? Well, my hired man sits alongside of me. Well, Andy, all I can say is, don't let anybody interfere with your happiness. If you love the girl, marry her. And I wish you a lot of luck. Thanks, Buck. I feel better now. That's good. Hey, Andy, stick around. Well, I'd like to talk to you after the program. What about Phil? Well, it's a business proposition, and I don't want to discuss it in front of Jack. Now, Phil, you've got a number to play, so spit out your bubble gum and go to work. Okay, boss. Oh, Andy, how about coming over to my house tomorrow for dinner and bring your folks? Thanks, Buck. Is it all right if my girl comes along? Sure, Andy, bring her to dinner too. Why not? It's about time she lost some weight. Quiet, Mary. I'm just trying to be nice. Hey, Phil. I'll be loved played by smiling Phil Harris and his rhythm rascals. And, Phil, that's what I call real class. You know, that number had so much life and brilliance to it. Thanks, but I'm leaving just the same. Phil, I wasn't trying to flatter you. That number was swell, and I felt I ought to give you and the boys credit. All of a sudden, the orchestra is good. Yeah, some obviousness. No, I'm serious. Well, anyhow, to get on with our play, tonight, ladies and gentlemen, as I announced last week, we are going to present our version of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Now, I will play the part... Say, Buck, it's none of my business, but did you hear Fred Allen Wednesday night? Allen? No, Andy, I missed him again. Tell me, what did my oriental friend have to say? I mean, anything worth probing into? Oh, he hopped all over you, Buck. He said he's gonna push your spine so far down your pants you're gonna walk like a tripod. Ha-ha, and poof. No kidding, Jack, Fred make you look like a nickel. Listen, Mary, he couldn't make me look like a nickel if my father was a buffalo. He's nothing but a fake. Fake? Then how come he challenged you to a fight? That's a laugh. How can he fight? In the first place, he's terribly nearsighted. Nearsighted? Yes. I saw him at a party when I tried to make a date with a haul tree. I finally had to tell him that the umbrella stand was her little boy. That guy. No kidding, Jack, are Allen's eyes really that bad? Bad down to him, Hedy Lamar is just a gorgeous blur. I'd go in the ring with Allen any time. Carefully, he might hit you from memory. Listen, Mary, he couldn't hit me if he put wheels on his wrist and they ran up to my nose on a track. Now listen, fellas, come here a minute, will you? I got a secret about Allen that I've been guarding for years. I never was going to mention it, but I'm so burned up that tonight I'm going to show you what a heel he really is. What do you mean, Jack? Well, in the first place, he ought to be the last one in the world to ever say anything against me. Why? Because 12 years ago, when we were involved together, I saved Fred Allen's life. That's why. You saved his life? Yes. Now let's forget it. I don't want to talk about it. Okay. Oh, no, you don't. It was 12 years ago in Altoona, Pennsylvania. We were both on the same bill, Fred and I, at the Palace Theater. I'll never forget that night. Allen, who was then a juggler, was standing in the wings, waiting to go on. And I, the headliner, stopped to give him a word of encouragement. Hello, Freddy. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, you can call me Jack. What's the matter? You seem a little nervous tonight, Freddy. Well, gee, Mr. Benny, talking to a big star like you is quite a thrill for me. Oh, don't say that. Well, Freddy, Fink's mules are about through, so it's time for your ass. So go out on the stage and juggle those clubs. Gee, I wish I was a great comedian like you. Well, why don't you try telling some gags while you're out there juggling? Oh, I can never think of anything clever to say. You see, folks? Well, keep plugging, Freddy. You might get there one of these days. They're ready for your act now. That was a steam song, folks. Chinatown, get it? My first trick, ladies and gentlemen, will be juggling three Indian clubs at the same time. Three clubs, some trick. There he goes, dropping him as usual. Darn it. Altoona was one of my best towns, folks. Gee, Alan is nervous. And now, for my next trick, ladies and gentlemen, I will juggle three Indian clubs and a cannonball at the same time. Cannonball? I never saw him do this one before. Say, that's pretty good. Cannonball dropped on Alan's foot. He's hurt badly. Ring down the curtain. Stand back, everybody. Get him there. What happened, mister? Can't you see he dropped a cannonball on his foot? Oh, oh. Don't worry, Freddy. I'll take you to the hospital at once. And you're gonna be all right. Well, folks, we finally got Alan to the hospital. And after I paid his entrance fee, which I never got back, they took him to the operating room and the doctor called me aside and said... Mr. Benny, I'm afraid this is serious. What do you mean, doctor? When that cannonball dropped on Alan's foot, it severed the femur and the anterior portion of the tibia. Oh, my goodness. There's only one thing that can save him. What's that, doctor? I'll do anything. He must have a blood transfusion immediately. A blood transfusion? Thank you. Well, doctor, all I can say is, this unfortunate young man is my friend. And if my blood can save his life, I am ready. So they took Alan to the operating room, placed my foot next to his, and the doctor said to the nurse, Are you ready for the transfusion, Mr. Stuart? Yes, doctor. Then hand me that ice pack. Wait a minute. Don't I get an anesthetic for this? Yes. Oh, nurse, fan Mr. Benny with a herring. If you do, I'll snap at it. Make it quick, doctor. Oh, doctor, doctor. Hurry, doc, please. Alan is sinking fast. All right. We'll just tap your vein here and attach a hose to it. Go ahead, doctor. I'm not afraid. Oh, I'm in awful pain now, folks. See what I went through for that mandarin? There we are. All right, Mr. Stuart. Open the valve and draw the blood. Yes, doctor. My goodness. That's not ketchup, you know. Don't forget to wipe my windshield. All right, Mr. Stuart. That's enough. Enough. I look like a bottle of milk now. But it was worth it for a good old friend. So thanks to me, the transfusion was successful. And the next day I visited Alan and his private room in the hospital, which I also pay for. Hello, Freddie. How do you feel, kid? I'm much better, Mr. Benny. And as long as I live, I will never forget what you did for me. Don't mention it, Freddie. You know, Mr. Benny, since that transfusion yesterday, I feel entirely different. I feel so mentally alert. No fooling. I keep thinking of jokes all the time, and I owe it all to you. Now, please. Here, Mr. Benny, have a cigar. Oh, thank you. I'll smoke it later. No, smoke it now. Here, I'll light it for you. Okay. Say, this cigar is very... Why darn you? That cigar was loaded. Ho-ho-ho-ho. That's my first joke. So you see, ladies and gentlemen, my blood not only saved Alan's life, but made him the comedian he is today. I thank you. There you are, fellas. That little play shows what a heel Alan really is. Oh, Jack, I don't believe that big cannibal really fell on Alan's foot. Oh, you don't, eh? Well, for your information, young lady, he still buys his shoes from the same store as Donald Duck, Clayville. Speed and mouth-watering goodness combine in one delicious new dessert. You'll want to try it and try it soon. Jello chocolate pudding with that old-time home-made goodness. Yes, sir, it's every bit as good as the kind that mother used to make. Rich, smooth as satin, and real chocolatey. Full-flavored and tempting with a grand appetizing color and a marvelous taste. For jello chocolate pudding is made with a fine, wholesome ingredients, the kind you'd use yourself right in your own kitchen. You'll enjoy every creamy spoonful, and you'll enjoy the other two flavors just as much. Jello butterscotch pudding and jello vanilla pudding. For all three new jello puddings, they're smooth and rich-tasting and delicious. And all three are easy to make. You'll find the simple directions on every package, and the handiest way to buy is three packages at a time. So ask your grocer tomorrow for jello chocolate, butterscotch, and vanilla pudding. The real home-made kind. This is the last number of the 17th program in the new jello series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. And don't forget, folks, if you have not already done so, you can help fight infantile paralysis by joining the March of Dimes. You know, Mary, I hated to expose Fred Allen like that, but after all, what could I do? Well, I don't blame you. I'll tell you something else, Mary. I'm the kind of a guy that if Allen needed another transfusion, I'd be the first one to volunteer. Go on. You haven't any more blood than a piece of salt pork. Hmm. Good night, folks. Peace, health, health, all! Jello programs are courtesy of Merman Leroy Productions. This is the National Broadcasting Company. Thank you.