 I hope I haven't kept you waiting. Yes, this is the crime club. I'm the librarian. The self-made corpse. Yes, we have that story for you. Come right over. Good. Take the easy chair by the window. Comfortable. The manuscript is on this shelf. Here it is. The self-made corpse. The very unusual story of a plan for living in which the architect was deaf. Let's look at it under the reading lamp. It was late one evening, and Skippy Parker, the head check girl of the Chickadee Club, was at her station in the cloakroom. When a small, timid-looking man came into the spacious lobby of the club and walked over to her. Excuse me, Miss. My name is Andrew Mitchell. That's nice. Here's something for you. A half a dollar? Well, it's all I can afford at the moment. Please take it. All right. What do I have to do for it? Just tell me where I can find Mr. Spade's diamond. What? He owns this place, doesn't he? So I've been told. And he's one of the most successful gang leaders in the country, an empire builder? Andrew, you wouldn't be crazy, would you? No, no, no. Then why do you want to see Spade? Well, it's business. Very important and very private. Uh-uh. Give your money back. But why? Go home to your pad itself. You don't believe me, do you, traffic? I don't see it. Very well. I'll find Mr. Diamond without your help. And I'll tell him that you refused to cooperate. But don't forget to mention my name. It's Skippy Parker. I won't forget, Miss Parker, but you regret it. I'm going to have you rubbed out. Well... So young and so beautiful, but your manners are bad. I'm going inside to look for Mr. Diamond. Every night a new mat. Oh, well. Waiter. Waiter. Waiter. Where's the riot, mister? Waiter, this check you left on my table a few minutes ago. I just looked at it. Thanks. You're welcome. But don't you think you've made a mistake? Yeah. I had four small glasses of rye and ginger ale and two cups of black coffee without sugar. Then you're charging me $16. There's a $3 cover charge if you're here at 10 o'clock. Oh. There's a $5 cover charge if you're still here at midnight. But that's an outrage. Go fight city hall. It's a rule of the house. I won't pay it. Oh. A red. I'm not a red. I'm a fine upstanding citizen. And I'm not going to be charged just for sitting at a table. Stand on your head and we'll pay you. I had to sit here all this time. Don't you understand? All me and the boss wants is $16. I haven't got it. I've got a job that pays me $62 a week. I've had it for 30 years. And when I started I was getting only $12. You're in trouble, Mr. What am I going to do? You want to take my advice? Yes. Kill yourself. What? Nobody ever gets out of here without paying a check. I came here looking for spades diamond and I... What's the matter, Joan? This guy's full of liquid, boss, and no dough. Okay, I'll take care of him. Go on back to your feet. With pleasure. I want to explain my predicament, sir. If you just give me a chance. What predicament? You're tearing up the check. Sure. You're the great Andrew Mitchell. Great. I'm just a teller in Mount Town Bank. How did you know my name? I've got spies. Of course. You're spades diamond. How do you do? Oh, you don't look at all like your pictures in the newspaper. Your eyes and your... What's the matter? You're squeezing my hand too hard. Oh, sorry. Sometimes I don't know my own strength. And no broken bones. Well, I don't think so. Good. Skippy Parker, the hat check girl, said you wanted to see me. Oh, then she's redeemed herself. I'm so glad. A girl of her youth and beauty. She said that you got a business that concerns a half a million dollars in cash. Well, I really haven't got it, sir. You see, have I been sizing you up for nothing? No, no, no. The money belongs to the... Well, this is no place to discuss private matters, Mr. Diamond. All these people with their ears. Okay. I will go into my office. Will we be alone? Like in a grave. Come on. Just run and fly it up. And it's sound proof. Go ahead, Andy. Step right in. Thank you, spades. If Leona, that's my wife, should only hear someone call me Andy instead of Andrew. She'd have a... Spades. Yeah. You said we were going to be alone. We are. Just relax. But those four men against the wall. I bought a director as they never talk. Oh, are they gangsters, too? Andy, what's your language? I didn't mean to be disrespectful, gentlemen. Oh, it's quite all right. Now, the business you came to see me about. Oh, yes. But first now, I want you to know that I've never done a dishonest thing in my life. No. And I wouldn't be doing it now if it weren't for the fact that I'm... Yeah? Well, I'm bitter. Oh. I've been cheated out of my proper station at the bank. Uh, we gotta listen, fellas. He's that kind of a guy. After 30 years of loyal service, last week the office of assistant cashier became vacant. Mr. Fenimore died. And I was next in line for the job. Who do you think got it? You tell me. That young man from Princeton, Griswold Griffith. Oh, that's tough, Andy. Well, what do you want us to do about it? Well, I've got a plan that'll punish that bank. And I've got it on this piece of paper. Well, what's this? Uh, a layout space. Now, the bank occupies the entire street floor of a small office building at the corner of Smith and Luden Street in my town. Now, the main entrance to the bank is on Luden Street. Right over here, see? Oh, yeah. Now, but over here on Smith Street, there's an entrance to the office building into a tiny vestibule. And would this line over here be another door to the bank? Yes, an entrance through the vestibule. I see. Oh, and what's this box over here? That's the elevator to the offices upstairs. Oh. Now, mind you, those offices have nothing to do with the bank. I get it. And these two lines running between the bank wall and the elevator? That's a short, narrow corridor that leads to a stairway behind the elevator. Every weekday, what happens? Well, every weekday at exactly four o'clock, the entrance to the building is locked by the bank guard. No one can come in or go out for ten minutes. Why? At exactly three minutes after four, the money box is wheeled out of the bank by three men, including me. You don't say. Uh, where does it go from there? Into the elevator, of course. We take it down to the basement and lock the money box in the vault. And there's a half a million in cash riding that elevator? At least. How many guards, uh, with guns? Only one. It should be very simple, Spades. Cops outside? No. You and your men could go in the building before that Smith Street door is locked by the bank guard. Stay on one of the upper floors until the money box is wheeled out of the bank. And then... The boys come down the stairs and do the job. Yes. Uh, how big is that money box? About four feet high and about three feet wide. It's, uh, built like a safe. Eh, you can't move fast with a thing like that, Andy. Well, now wait, I've thought of that too. Yeah? Smith Street is quite deserved at that hour. And if you forced me and the others into the elevator, it would be quite a simple matter to bind and gag us. I, uh... Everything is a simple matter to you, huh? Uh, how much do you expect for your trouble? Well, I thought twenty percent wouldn't be too much. Twenty. You take ten. Uh, okay, Andy, we'll case out the place and let you know. Uh, may I know when? When we're ready. Now, I'll go downstairs and tell Joe to give you a drink. Plain ginger ale. What? But stay, Joe! I said plain ginger ale, pal. From now on, you'll have to be careful what you drink. I don't want you talking at the wrong time. And, uh, to the wrong people. Hey, Andy! What? Who's calling me? Up here, Andy. It's me, Joe. Well, good heavens. What are you doing in that cloud? I'm serving drinks. Come on up. You can have all you want. But I have no money. Are you kidding? You're rich. Oh, of course. Who else is there? Skippy Carter with a brand new dress made out of hatchets. She's gorgeous, Andy. She wants to see you. I'm coming right up. Hello, Andy. Skippy. How'd you get away from your wife? Joe said you were gorgeous. Oh, you're magnificent, Skippy, the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I love you, darling. What did you tell your wife? I don't have to tell you anything. I'm the boss now. I do as I please. That's the way it should be, Andy. I rule with an iron hand and shield base. Wonderful. Where's Joe? He jumped over to that other cloud to get some champagne. Well, call him back. I'm not allowed to drink champagne. He's not going to charge you for it. You're rich now. I want ginger ale. What's the difference? They taste the same. Ginger ale doesn't make me talk. Call him back, Skippy. Is he coming? He can't hear me. You'll drink champagne, and you'll talk, and you'll talk, and you'll drink champagne. If you say so, you're so lovely, I've got to do as you say. Then give me a kiss. All right. Andrew. But, Skippy, did you hear something? Just a funny sound. Andrew, why don't you answer me? That's the only one. I'll have to hide. Answer me, you fool. Don't you know you can't get away from me? I better go, Skippy. You're still afraid of her. No, no, I'm the boss. But she gets very angry, and I... Goodbye, Skippy. Andrew, Andrew, wake up. What's the matter with you? Oh, stop moaning and get up. I'm not going to stand here all evening wasting my time with you. Oh, but if it's safe, close your mouth. I'm sorry, dear. I must have been very tired. The best thing you do is sleep every night before dinner. And in the only good chair we have in this disgraceful living room. Thirty years in one position, and you're still sleeping. Oh, I'm hungry, Leona. It's dinner ready. Tired, hungry. You didn't complain the other night, and you came home at four o'clock in the morning. I told you yesterday I met an old friend of mine in New York. Well, what were you doing in New York? That's what I want to know. I... I was in... impiring about a car. You were doing what? I'm thinking of buying a car, Leona. It was going to be a surprise, but, well... If you got out of your mind... I may even give up my job and take a trip to California, or to Europe. It depends on how I feel when the time for the decision comes. Good heavens. Aren't you going to ask me how I could do all these things on $62 a week? I didn't realize what was happening to you. Oh, good Lord. I'm perfectly sane, Leona. I've been playing it smart. That's all. What? Every day I put aside a part of my allowance. My lunch and cigarette money. And when I had enough, I began to gamble. Oh, no. Oh, yes, my luck was very good, and I bet the whole thing on a short thing. Oh, no. I'm going to be rich. Very rich, Leona. Don't have such a phone, Leona. I'll answer that. Hello? Andrew Mitchell speaking. How are you, Andy? Oh, spades diamond. So soon? What's the matter? Are you getting pains in your spine? No, but I didn't think... Tomorrow? I understand. I... Yes? Yes. But when do we... I mean about the... You know what? Tomorrow. Well, after all... You'll get your cut. Huh? What were you talking to? What did you mean by you know what? It's none of your business, Leona. What? You heard me. Now you go put my dinner on the table. I'm hungry. Mitchell? Yes? I'm John Graham, detective Graham. Oh, well, come in. You don't have to stand out there where all the neighbors can see you. You're not afraid of neighbors, are you? I certainly am not, but... Oh, this business at the bank this afternoon and Andrew right in the midst of it. Well, he was one of the men who filled that money box into the vestibule and he was bound and gagged too like the others and left to suffocate in that elevator. I understand he was pretty upset about a promotion he didn't get. What? Who told you that? Why did we spend to the bank, Mrs. Mitchell? Well, why shouldn't we have been upset? He gave 30 years of his life to that organization. When the time came for the bank to show its appreciation... Where's your husband? Now, sir, here, detective Graham. I'd like to ask him a few questions. Would you take me to him? Three hours of police headquarters as if he were a common criminal. Why, he was so exhausted when he came home, he was a complete physical and nervous wreck. But he came home, didn't he? Well, am I supposed to thank you for that? I'm tired too, Mrs. Mitchell. Oh, I'm sorry. Wait in the living room, please. I'll get Andrew for you. Where is he? He's upstairs. Poor thing was even too exhausted to have dinner. He went right to bed. Uh-huh. Just hope he isn't asleep. I'd hate to wake him. Yeah. Detective Graham, I ask you to wait in the living room. I feel like climbing stairs. Oh, very well. There's a room around headquarters at the robbery. It might have been an inside job. What? As my wife would say, it was just too perfect for words. Oh. There were no mistakes. We're looking for the man who might have tipped off the gang about how things are done at the bank. Andrew? Maybe. Oh, of all the ridiculous things I've ever heard, Andrew and gangsters. It's happened before. We're checking everybody. Oh, here's our room. And when you see the man, I've been married to for 27 years. What happened? Uh-huh. I thought you said he was sleeping. Well, he told me he was going up to bed. That bed hasn't been slept in Mrs. Mitchell. I don't understand. I didn't see him leave the house. Unless he's in the... Andrew! Andrew, there's a man here to see you. Which is his closet, Mrs. Mitchell? That one near you. Now, he didn't run away, Detective Graham. He couldn't. Now, all his clothes here. He only has two suits and he's wearing one. Now, look, Detective Graham, I want you to tell me the truth. Did you come here to arrest my husband? No. But now I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea. It's a lot of money, Andy. $55,000. Oh, I can't believe it's paid. All mine. You want to run your fingers through it again? Go ahead. We don't mind if you're happy. Do we, fellas? That means they don't mind, Andy. Oh, does it? It's delicious. For the first time in my life, I'm going to live. Oh, I'm grateful to you, Spades. I'll never forget you. Sure, the poor man's best friend. Why don't you go downstairs and start celebrating? I can have a drink now. Sure, have a dozen. Chickadee Club likes to make a buck, too. Well, I'm afraid I won't be able to do it tonight. Why not? You see, Leona thinks I'm in bed. And if she should find out that I'm not too... Listen to this guy, fellas. He's afraid of a woman. That means you're killing the Mandy. I don't have to be afraid of anyone now. Do I? That's the spirit. Tell Joe to get you some of that champagne I keep for my special customers. Champagne? Well, don't you like it? I don't know. I've never... all for pity's sake. What's the matter? I didn't thank you for this traveling bag. You loaned me. Oh, that's all? I couldn't have taken the money without it. I'll return it tomorrow, Spades. Don't bother. I'm not going any place. Well, good night, gentlemen. Give me the cloakroom, baby. Skippy. Andy's on his way down. That's the idea, honey. We don't want him to get lonesome. Candy, tell me. I'm feeling good, Skippy. I'm having the most wonderful time I ever had in my life. But you're making so much noise. I'm sorry, dear. I'll be very quiet from now on. Have another drink. You're very quiet. Oh, my. The bottle's empty. Andy, do you realize we've finished the whole bottle of champagne? Huh? I've got to get more. Lots of champagne. Hey, Joe. Andy. Huh? Shh. Very quiet. Joe. What do you want? Huh? Where did you come from? You called me, didn't you? Joe. That's right. We want another bottle of champagne. You think I care? Nice. I'm going to leave him a big tip. A whole dollar. Oh, no. I can spare it. I'm rich now. I can afford to be generous. With me, too, Andy? Oh, don't look at me like that, Skippy. Why not? You're too beautiful. You'll make my... You'll make my head spin. I'm crazy about you, darling. You mean that. Do I look like the kind of girl who says things she doesn't mean? I never thought it would happen to me. What's the matter? A young, beautiful girl falling in love with me. Look, Andy, you don't have to get so upset about it. There are plenty of guys around. No, no, no. I want you to love me. Well, that's better. But I've got no right to love you. Darling, don't be a jerk. No, you don't understand. I'm really mad about you. But I'm not yet... Well, eventually I've got to become something that... What are you talking about? You won't tell anybody. Is it something awful, dear? It's worse than that. Someday I'll... I'll have to become a fugitive. From your wife? No, from the po... Skippy, where's my traveling bag? I checked it for you in the courtroom. Oh, yes, that's right. I'm going to see if it's still there. Oh, my head, I can't get up. Then don't. I've got to see about my... about my... That's all, Cookie. And now, Mama's going to make an honest man out of you. Go upstairs. Well, Leona, I thought you were asleep. Do you know what time it is? The house is dark. I thought you were... Get into that living room. Don't you push me, Leona. I'll push you ten minutes after five, and you're going to tell me where you've been. Yes. And why you stole out of this house like a thief after you told me you were going to bed. Don't turn that light on. I told you not to turn that light on. And? Well, what of it? I had a fight with Joe. He threw me out of the club. It was a closing time, and I... Get me a drink of water. How do nothing of the kind, you gangster? He got me drunk on champagne, took my traveling bag, quit her job, and disappeared. Joe wouldn't tell me where... He wouldn't tell me where spades live, dear. Gangster? My money was in that bag. Fifty-five thousand dollars. The money I was going to buy a car with. The money that was going to set me up for the rest of my life. The money you won gambling, Andrew? Get me a drink of water. Detective Graham was here last night? The money that... Who? A detective from police headquarters. He wanted to ask you some questions. Why did he come here? The police have decided the bank robbery was an inside job. But why did he come here? I answered all their questions to headquarters just the afternoon. I was there for three hours. Oh, why did you do it, Andrew? Why did you help those gangsters rob the bank? Shut up, you fool. I won't shut up. You never won any money gambling. You were going to buy a car. You were going to give up your job and go to Europe. Listen, Leona. But you knew where the money was coming from, didn't you? Those gangsters were going to give it to you. Your share of the bank's money. Leona, if you don't keep your voice down, I'll... You get away from that phone. I'm calling the police. Have you tried to stop me, Andrew? I'll stop you. Go. I'll stop you. Don't please. I can't breathe. I'm not sending you to prison. I'm not going to lock me up for the rest of my life. Not you, Leona. Not as long as I live. Leona. Leona. Leona. Spades. What do you want? I'm coming. Get out of here, you bum. If you want a handout, ask for it outside the club. Don't come barging into my office. You wouldn't talk to me outside in the dorm. I wouldn't let me follow you in. Take care of them, fellas. No, no, wait. I'm in trouble. I need help. The $55,000 you gave me last night. Hey, it's Andy. I walked all the way from Bellefort all day, and then I had to steal it through the surface entrance. No one saw me. It was dark. Yeah, well, you should have told me that you were coming. I would have put out the plush carpet for you. I'm sorry, Mr. Diamond. You dumb clock. The first time you get your hands on real dough, you're like a football player with butter on his fingers. What do you mean? I know what Skippy did to you last night. Joe told me all about it. Oh. And he told me what he had to do to get you out of the joint. We don't like riots around here, Andy. Well, that doesn't sound like any problems now, Mr. Diamond. I've got to leave the country. OK. You want me to get you a passport? What good will that do without money? Can't you let me have, say, $25,000? Huh? You hear that, fellas? That means you're not Sandy. Oh, please, listen to me. This morning when I came home, Leona was waiting for me. We had a quarrel. And I strangled her. What? She was very nasty. And I had to kill her. Now you've got to help me. Yeah. We don't want the cops picking you up. Well, Leona's body won't be fine for several days. I could be in South America by then. It wouldn't take them long to make you talking. Once you start talking, brother. OK, come with me. Oh, thanks, Mr. Diamond. He's a gentleman, isn't he, fellas? That means they like your pals. Go ahead, Andy. Down there? What are you afraid of? It's only my private storage room. Are they going to? Naturally. They're your friends. Don't you trust them? Well, I think I'll forget all about the money. Give them a hand, fellas. No. I should have warned you about that top step. It's bad. I'm sorry you had to take such a fall. You told them to push me, Mr. Diamond. Mr. Diamond, I promise if the police catch me, I'll never tell them about you. I'll be better off with you out of the country. Do you recognize that box over there? What? The money box. Without the combination. That leaves a nice big hole for you to breathe through. For me to... Spades, what are you going to do? Not me, Chum. You get in there. No. No, give me a chance. I haven't done anything to you. I couldn't figure out how to get rid of that thing. Please, listen to me, Spades. I never heard a soul in my life. Let me go. Close the door, fellas, and get some room. What am I going to do? You see what I mean, pal? All the air you want. Inhale. Two, three, four. Exhale. Two, three, four. Yeah. I don't want to die, Spades. Please, let me live. I'll do anything you want me to. I'll go any place you say. You're going, Andy. I'll bet you never been out this far. Can you see the moon? Shines differently outside the three-mile limit. Doesn't it, fellas? That means it does, Andy. Look, Spades, you're a big man. How can I hurt you? I'm insignificant. I could walk along any street in the world and not be recognized by the police. I look like you only like so many other little insignificant people. Just let me go. I'll get out of the country somehow. You'll never hear from me again. Nobody will ever hear from you. Spades, will you do it? Please, please. I don't want to die, Spades. Okay, fellas. Please, please. No, no, no, no, no. Let's go home, fellas. The ocean air makes me sleepy. And so close is tonight's story, the self-made cops. Oh, are you wondering what happened to Spades' diamond and his gang? Well, they died in the electric chair, of course. After Skippy was arrested with the money, she told the police about the murder of Andrew. Steadman Close wrote the radio script, Roger Bauer produced and directed. Bill Smith played Andrew Mitchell, Arthur Vinton was Spades' diamond, Irene Hubbard was Leona Mitchell, Joan Compton was her the Skippy blocker, Joe Quinn was Joe and Barry Thompson was the take-off John Graham. Oh, I beg your pardon. Hello, I hope I haven't kept you waiting. Yes, this is the crime club. I'm the librarian. Yes, come over a week from tonight. Good. We have the very unusual story of a baseball that captured a gang of thieves. It's called a pitching time. In the meantime? Well, in the meantime, there's a new crime club book available this week. And every week it bookstores everywhere. Yes, it's available now. Fine. And we'll look for you next week. This program came from New York. Stay tuned now for the thrilling adventure broadcast, Johnny Madero Pier 23, which follows in just a moment. This is the world's largest network of mutual broadcasting systems.