 The Little Mermaid gave me crabs, and eels, and sharks, and a variety of high-resolution sea creatures for me to feast my eyes on. But does this 2023 live-action remake deserve to bring in a new generation of kids that probably already watched the animated one at home? I don't think so, but I'm an angry middle-aged man who's had most of my life sucked out of me already. Let's talk about The Little Mermaid. Seashell bra on the table. Little kids are probably gonna like this movie a lot, but little kids like everything that's colorful and fun and whimsical and has a lot of music. It's not hard to please them when they're three, four, five, and six. Now, when your kids are a little older, they might have a hard time sitting through this new tail. Tail spell, T-A-I-L, because fish puns. I know I had a hard time sitting through it. At two hours long, the way I would describe this in one word would be tedious. It is a tedious watch, because you know everything that's gonna happen. And oftentimes, it's a beat-for-beat, shot-for-shot redo. So there's no surprises. There's nothing exciting. You're just sitting there checking off all the boxes, like, yep, there's under the sea. Now we're gonna have Ursula give a song. Now we're gonna have Prince Eric do a song. Oh, wait, that's new. There are some new things, which justifies the longer runtime. I mean, it doesn't justify it, but it's the reason for it. The new songs suck. There's three of them. One of them by Halle Bailey, if I said that right, if I said it wrong, I apologize. Halle Berry, Halle Bailey, say that five times fast. Oh my gosh, it's just a little too close. I get tongue-tied. She's not only a looker under the sea, but she's got the voice of a mermaid man. She can sing. Now as far as her character itself is concerned, not a lot going on there, but I didn't really think there was much going on in the original animated one either. She just kind of smiles and is very pleasant and easy on the eyes. So, you know, all around fine, but there's nothing exciting going on. So really it's the visuals and the story that's gonna have to bring this thing to the finish line and in those aspects, not great. Again, little kids will like this. Now I do think pacing-wise, it takes a while to get going. It's a slower movie. It's not that hour 24 in and out cartoon. The colors are muddy. It's a murky film. Yes, it's underwater, so things will naturally be a little dark, the deeper you are under the sea, but this isn't real life, folks. It's still animated. 3D renders are everywhere. It's not like they're shooting under the water James Cameron style and then painting over that. Now, these are very clearly people in front of green screens and then for some reason they're putting mud all over the screen and really dirtying up these visuals, which is just bizarre because the Disney animated movies have always been super colorful, super bright and punchy. Why these live action movies continue to dim the lights and really take you out of the experience is just, I don't know, I question everything going on with these things. Regardless, if you're just a passerby wondering out of my C2 movies a year, is this going to entertain my kid? They like the original. Will they like this? Yeah, they're going to like this. If you've been enjoying these live action movies like Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Lion King, this easily falls in line. I'd say that this is probably on the better end of those, but I don't really like any of them. I don't want to watch them over the originals. They seem completely pointless outside of just to drum up revenue and man, do they drum up revenue? That nostalgia hit is a potent drug. Okay, these movies make about a billion dollars. Lion King, 1.6 billion. Aladdin, just shy of a billion. Beauty and the Beast, 1.2 billion. Something like that. I feel like the Little Mermaid's probably going to get close to that billion as well. I don't see why it wouldn't. It's a tentpole character. One of the big ones, one of the big princess stars. It's going to do well. We have Melissa McCarthy and this is Ursula. She is doing a good job cosplaying as the animated character. Nothing too exciting going on. She definitely didn't make the role her own. Just doing a good impersonation and that's fine, whatever. What's not so fine, what's not so whatever is the horrific nightmares masquerading as Flounder, Sebastian and Scuddle. These creatures are awful nightmare fuel at times, especially Scuddle. The decision to constantly make these characters as lifelike as possible is so befuddling to me. I don't want to see a live talking crab with weird eyes. Not only is Scuddle scary looking, it's voiced by Aquafina murder me. I really don't care for Aquafina's voice and I don't understand what she brings to the table really ever when I go see movies with her in them. What is happening that she keeps getting roles? I don't understand. Scuddle's annoying as hell and she's all over this movie. And yes I said she, Scuddle is now a girl in this version of the film. It's so stupid because on one hand it's like oh that's annoying. They change characters for no real reason. But then on the other hand I don't care at all. I mean whatever. And then on this hand again it's like well if you want to change the characters how about do a new story or a new version or a new interpretation. But they didn't. Same music's in it. You have a couple things added in as extras, as filler. But it's the same plot and everything. So they're playing off of the original in every way, shape or form. But then to just randomly change the sex of a creature, why? Why? But the more important takeaway is I don't care in the slightest because it's the little mermaid and it's not for me. Well it is. It is for me. People that say oh we don't care about the middle-aged white guys. This movie's not made for you. Well yeah it is made for me. It's made for me and my wife and our kids. Because we have to pay to bring them to the movie. Now my kids had no interest in this. They're not like huge on the original Little Mermaid. So there was no nostalgia in play. And they're older to the point you know 11 and 14 where they don't have any interest in going to waste two hours on this. There's way better movies out. Or even at home or video games to play. Or going outside touching some grass as the kids say. So yeah I was the creepy dude. Going to the Little Mermaid alone to review it on the channel where I review all the major movies that come out. There were some looks for concerned parents. Is this guy going to shoot the place up? Is he gonna try to kidnap my child? These are all perfectly fair questions in 2023. No I was just here to watch a movie that I kind of went in thinking was gonna be okay. And I ended up thinking it was actually worse than okay. Because it was longer and because the story isn't compelling and the slightest. I just sat there thinking God there's so many better things I could do with my life right now. Then tell people whether or not the Little Mermaid's worth it. If you're on the fence and you're like oh man I kind of like the original. What is this new one gonna bring to the table? Nothing. It changes a few things here and there. Some of the lyrics and songs. Songs are still fine. I will say the music for the most part is worse than the original. And visually how they showcase it isn't any better. Kiss the girl especially because I have to hear aquafina. Kiss the girl. Once in a while jump in. Sha la la la la la la la na na. Na pa pa da da ska la da la la. Kiss the girl. And her song Scuttlebutt. Dear gods it's hell. It is pure uncut trash. There's rapping. There's just loud obnoxious yelling. Miserable. I would use this as a new form of torture on my enemies if I really had any. But I'm not interesting enough too. As devastatingly painful as it is to sit through the Scuttlebutt song I'm already getting non-flashbacks from it. There's another one that's equally as cringy and that's the new one by Eric. The actor's in his own movie when he's singing this song. He's out on the rocks, chest out. I wanna see her. He's just belting out. He's on a rope. La la la la la la la la la. Love you very. If you thought what I just did was embarrassing times that by 10. That's what I was watching unfold on the screen. The only new good song is by Ariel. It's a pretty solid number but it sounds very similar to Beauty and the Beast's opening number. Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. Very similar beat, quicker flow to it but I ate it up. I liked it. It was a good little moment in a otherwise incredibly mediocre film. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la to ta. Flounder's just a sad sack of shit, this thin little fish. Hey Ariel! It's just it's pathetic. It's so pathetic. Voice acting's fine there. Really just Skoddle drives me insane. The rest of it's so, so mediocre at best. I have to talk about King Triton for a second. Javier Bardem. sleeping through this movie. He's sleep swimming through this thing. Ariel, why did you go up there? You're not supposed to go up there. I'm mad. No gravitas to the voice. The performance is so lackluster. Did he owe Disney money? I mean, why is he in this even? Don't worry. I'm not going to spoil things, fam. I will just say there are some changes made from the original animated one to here. Changes that are perplexing, befuddling, and really bring nothing to the table, some of which actually kind of take away, especially in the final act. I was just thinking, what, why, why? There's not enough changes or interesting commentary that I could do to make another video on, so I'll just leave it at that. I rolled my eyes in those moments, and then I quickly moved on with my life like a grown adult would do, because who cares about this? Well, there you have it, my thoughts on the Little Mermaid. Actually kind of worse than I thought it was going to be, and I wouldn't recommend going out to see it. Wait till it comes home on Disney Plus. If you're a parent that loves the original and you've liked these live-action Disney movies, you're going to like this. If your kids are into them, bring them to the theaters. Go have a good old time. Don't let me stick in the mud, Adam, who's so sick and tired of these cash grab movies coming out when I want to see Disney doing new stuff, making great content again like I know they can, and then there's always that comment. They're still making new stuff too. This doesn't just don't go watch it. Just don't go watch it. Yeah, I know that, but they're setting a standard here. There's a trend being set. We already have enough soulless remakes coming out, and now guess what? DreamWorks is doing it too. How to train your dragon live-action movie coming out. How to train your dragon. Some people want me to say dragon, and it's not going to end. And this does in fact affect me because it takes away resources. It allocates funds for new creations and puts them in to more remakes. Requels, sequels, prequels, sidequels, whatever. Not originals. I'll say that much. And now I wash my hands of this. Those are my thoughts on the Little Mermaid 2023. If you like this video, maybe like the video. 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