 My name is Carolyn Delaney, I'm the founder and CEO here at Journey Enterprises for a media company on a mission to make recovery from addiction visible because it's important. It saves lives. There are over 26 million of us in recovery and we want those who are still sick and suffering to know that there is a path for them. There's millions of us here on the other side of active addiction and that it's probable that people can and do recover. Our videos share personal intimate stories of what people's journeys were like, going from what it was like to what happened to what it's like now in an effort to let people know that we're here, we care, and that there's a way out. Visible recovery saves lives and we want the world to know that. So if you have a story about recovery and would like to share it, please contact me, Carolyn at recovery-journey.com. I hope you enjoy our video, have a great day. So my name is Kim Lamontine and I currently live in Sarasota, Florida and my story that I bring forward that I share on a regular basis is that I am an individual who suffered in complete silence while working as a high performing and high functioning corporate professional and I suffered in silence with depression, anxiety, persistent suicidal thoughts and alcohol use disorder. I feared coming forward in the workplace because I feared being seen as weak, being seen as incompetent, potentially losing my seat at the corporate table and losing my opinions that I could contribute to the conversations. So instead of coming forward, I really, I suffered in silence for many, many years. People looked up to me, they wondered how I did the work that I did, how I made the sales, how I developed the relationships, they, people wanted me to coach them and mentor them, which I did, but I always felt like, wow, they don't know who the real Kim is. They have no idea that at the end of the day, Kim is really taking off that mask of high performance and she is retreating into the darkness of depression and she is retreating into her need to have five, six, seven glasses of wine every night. And that actually hurt my soul for such a long time because I felt like I was, I was an imposter. I was always being, I was always the same Kim, but I just felt like I had this deep, dark secret that no one knew about. And, you know, even beyond the workplace, I never told a family member, a friend, anyone that I was suffering. I was completely shameful and afraid to say that there was something wrong with me. But what really got to me was July of 2009. We had had a fourth of July party at my house because that's where all the parties were, they were always at my house. And I woke up the next day wearing the same clothes as the night before and on a pair of white pants and a black shirt. And I said to my husband, what happened last night? The next thing I said to my husband is, why are there black marks all over my pants? I'll never forget what he said to me next. He looked me directly in the eye and he said, Kim, you were so drunk last night that you tripped and came within inches of falling into the fire pit in the driveway. That's what I really knew that I needed to get myself together. And I have tried many times on my own to stop drinking. I never said it out loud to anyone because if I said it out loud, I would have to be accountable for that. And it wasn't until July 16th, 2009, or about two weeks later, I was in the Mall of New Hampshire parking lot in Manchester, New Hampshire between Sears and Old Navy. Yeah, I was in my car crying, feeling worthless, feeling unlovable, feeling out of control, feeling like an imposter. I had no love for myself, no self worth. And I knew I needed help. And I made a phone call that day that saved my life. So 30 minutes later, I was in those four walls of that exam room, petrified. But I knew that I needed to be there when he walked through that door. Oh, my goodness. I can feel the chills right now because I just my walls came down and I cried. And I couldn't tell him why I was there because I couldn't I couldn't get the words out. He is the person who I credit for saving my life because he created that safe space, that safe container with no judgment. And he saw me as a person. He did not see me as an alcoholic. He saw me as a person who was living with a treatable disease that he could help me with. That was an enormous change in my life. The way he saw me allowed me to see myself in a different way, allowed me to really see myself as a person. And that's really where my journey to recovery began, July 16, 2009. About two years into my recovery, when I was feeling, you know, really good that if someone wanted to call me an alcoholic, I could say, you know what? Maybe you view me as an alcoholic, but I view myself as a person first. But you know what? Admitting that I had that issue with alcohol. If you want to call me an alcoholic, that's OK. But I am so proud to carry that because it is the most difficult thing that I've ever had to overcome. So what's it like now? I stopped drinking in 2009, so I'm coming up on my 11 year anniversary. And I will not say that as soon as you quit drinking, your life is going to be perfect because it was anything less than that. And it wasn't until 2016, Memorial Day weekend, 2016 when I decided to go away for a long weekend and really start focusing on myself. And I found the work of Byron Katie and she is an amazing individual who has a process called the work where it teaches you how to question your thoughts and identify if those thoughts are really true. That's really what I began to heal because I reached a very low point in 2015 where I almost took my own life. When I finally stepped into my own mind and started investigating my own mind and my own thoughts, that's when my flicker of light finally came back on. I had been stuck in the deep dark well for such a long time that when that light finally came back on, I said, there is nothing that will snuff out this light no matter how small it is. My light's back on. I started working with National Alliance on Mental Illness and I became a trained presenter for them. So I share my own story through there in our own voice program. And I will tell you that it was difficult for me to put my story out there on social media on the Facebook side. What are people going to think? Will they be judged? All these different things. But I felt that it was even more important for me to get past that fear of judgment. So I did it. It has been so fulfilling because I've been speaking at conferences and training with organizations. And I can't tell you how many leaders like senior vice presidents, VPs, directors, after hearing my story, they come forward and they say, thank you for giving me permission to take off my own mask and say that I'm not OK and be that leader who can pave the way for others to come. I grew up in a very Italian family and there was always a lot of reasons to celebrate. A lot of homemade Italian wine. And as little kids, it was it was just custom. You know, we'd get a little sip, you know, or get a little little Italian wine in our orange soda. So I really and that's not I mean, it was just culture back then. And I developed it. I like the taste. I'd like the feeling. And I found myself drawn to it. So the phenomena of craving set in pretty young for me. You know, and it progressed from where I was just given a little taste here and there to going into my father's liquor cabinet. You know, and I believe that's where I crossed the line. It was OK. So I thought it was OK. I like this stuff. I like the little the warm, glowing feeling that went down. I went from being given it to stealing it right from the get go. You know, I'd mixed the water in with the alcohol so that nobody really knew that, you know, and he level was disappearing from the bottle. I just wanted to escape, you know, a lot of things that happened. It was a setup for me from the get go to want to escape and to not want to feel. I never liked who I was. I always felt different. I felt like I didn't belong. I was quiet and shy. I didn't say boo. And I found that, you know, it was liquid courage. And that that's what you hear a lot about in the halls. It gave me the courage to, you know, to go out and to intermingle with people. And, you know, I became like the class clown and I became like the head of the party and. And it just was a way to deal with stuff. And then it progressed and it got worse. I had an uncle who was a doctor and I had free access to pain medication, anti-anxiety medication. You name it, you know, back in the early 80s, they used to give the salesman would come over and give free samples. So he would keep it all in a closet and didn't keep any type of inventory. And my mom just happened to be his medical secretary and the office was in their house. And I kind of grew up in that house. So it was very easy for me to get access to prescription drugs. So I was on a mission of self destruction from the get go. I've lived a life of, you know, depression and victim hood and all that stuff. But always, always there was a higher power and I know that that's why it wasn't so difficult for me in the beginning. When I got to the program, when they talked about God, not the God that I grew up with, a God of my understanding. You know, high school, I partied. I didn't care. That's the, you know, the theme of my life was I didn't care. You know, I didn't care about you. I didn't care about me. I didn't care about life. You know, and then later on in my story, I'll tell you when I started to care about life and I started to take things seriously. So anyway, I was on a mission of destruction. I was going to drink myself to death. I was going to take an overdose. I didn't care. I would pop pills. You know, the it said I knew enough to look and see if it said warning that don't mix with alcohol or maybe have it for me. And I knew if it said that those were the good ones and I better take more. So anyway, I just thought I would end up dying someday. In 1986, I got introduced to the telephone company and I started working there. And, you know, my story of recovery started there in 1989 through the EAP program. I was introduced to alcoholics. Anonymous and the story and this is how my higher power works in my life. Up to this point in 1989, I didn't care. And I was drinking and I was, you know, doing drugs at work. And there was this one woman that whatever corner I turn, she'd be coming in the other way. So like God was putting this woman in my rate in my face, smack in my face. And I eventually found out she was recovering alcoholic and drug addict. And I was like, oh, my God, you know, it was the first sign God gave me that, you know, here's an opportunity, you know, it doesn't have to be that bad. I listened to this woman's story and I was like amazed that she wasn't drinking and she wasn't doing the drugs she used to do. And she was living life and she was enjoying herself and she was, you know, doing all these things. And, you know, here I was thinking, you know, my best bet was I was going to die. And so I went to her and talked to her. She got me into Mercy rehab back in 1989. My first meeting down in that basement, it was the drop-in meeting. And there was a room and there was this whole circle of chairs. And I was sitting there in my pajamas and my little green slippers and the robe I was looking down at the ground. And we went around and introduced ourselves. And that was the first time ever that I ever uttered the words on Mariana and alcoholic. So my recovery started. I really wasn't quite sure, but the one thing that kept me coming back was that first meeting after that drop in meeting was a speakers meeting. And the hope that I felt in that hall, I can't describe it. You know, other than these people, they were laughing, they were enjoying life and telling jokes and intermingling. And, you know, it was nothing that I had ever seen before because I was so stuck in myself and my disease and the self-pity and the wanting to die and, you know, just not caring about life. You know, I used to say that I used to take the Rubik's Cube and I used to try to figure that sucker out and I would churn it and I would twist it. And, you know, and that's what I did in the program. And, you know, and I can tell you, there is no other way to do it. It's simple, but it's complicated. You just have to do it. Six years ago for me, you know, something tragic happened. And I learned a big lesson about hope, you know, even more. And I learned more about my higher power. I'd been sober about, let's see, I got sober again in 2010 when I came back in after a ways away from the program and not going to meetings and not doing the things that I know keep me sober and keep me on a straight, narrow. I used, let's see, I used everything that I've learned in this program because I went in to have a knee replacement in 2014. I knew to write my right knee replacement. And I learned a pretty valuable lesson about my gut instinct and listening to that gut instinct because inside that's God speaking. And something told me not to let them put a needle in my spine. But, you know, I I didn't listen to it. And I ended up with blood clot in my spine. They did spinal anesthesia. And a day and a half later, I lost complete feeling below my waist. And I tell you, I really had to rely on this program, the people in this program, my wife, my partner has been there through thick and thin and so haven't the people in the program. And that's what, you know, keeps me going. You know, I pray every day I have this unbelievable faith and my higher power and, you know, the things that that I've been able to accomplish just in the last years. You know, the doctor looked at me after the surgery. I had pins and needles below my waist. He looked at me and said, I don't know if you'll ever walk again. He said, I removed the blood clot, but I can't promise you your walk. And I looked at him and I said, Oh, I'll walk again. I said, you don't know who you're talking to. You know, I have faith, you know, I I know with my faith, my higher power and the people that are in my life. I'm going to walk again now. And I am, you know, six years later, even with all this stuff going on, I'm driving again. I got my license and I got a part-time job. I started working again. Life has just been it's just been incredible, you know. I've learned through all the all the crap in my past at age 49. When this happened, I started enjoying life. It's like I did a 360, you know. I learned that, you know, just the little things in life that we take for granted. You know, I have some physical limitations. I'm in a wheelchair. I have to walk with crutches and I have to walk with health in the age of races. But you know what? I'm not sitting in a nursing home filled with opioids because I decided to give up. I was given a challenge and, you know, I remember the one thing that I read when I was in New England rehab for two and a half months, learning to walk again. Social media became very important to me. And that's one of the reasons why I chose to do this is because, you know, I've been stuck in the house and I know what it's like not to be able to go out and to intermingle. And so everything that I saw on social media in the beginning, there was this one. There was this one post and this is what did it for me. And I wrote it down because I'm like, I need to read this because this is what started it for me. You know, there I was not being able to walk and not knowing what was going on. And somebody had posted this on Facebook and it said, where you are today is no accident. God is using the situation you are in right now to shape and prepare you for the place he wants to bring you into tomorrow. Trust him with his plan, even if you don't understand it. And I'll tell you what, I did not understand it. I did not understand it, but I was then I said, OK, God, I don't know where you're going with us. I have no idea where this is going to be, but I am in 100 percent. I'm going to do what it is you put in front of me to do. And that's the attitude that I had. And I was able to use all the tools that I had in the program to apply them when I was in that rehab and didn't know which way was up. God taught me an important lesson and that, you know, my life is worth it. And your life is worth it, too. And you can do it. I'm honest to God, you know, I've been a doubting Thomas from the get go, you know, and I've played with this program and I've twisted it and I've tried to do it every other way, except the one way they asked you to do. And that's the work, you know, you get a sponsor, you start praying, you find a higher power, you know, you get involved in the meetings, you make coffee, you get a job on your home, you let people get to know you, you know, and that was one of the big things for me. Early on is I didn't really, when I was in and out, in and out, I never really let anybody get to know me, you know, I didn't want to share at me. I didn't want to go to coffee. I didn't, you know, I wanted to get this through osmosis or something, you know, I didn't think I had any steps, but when I finally let go and I started doing it, you know, in 2010, when I came back and that's my sobriety day this June 5th, 2010, I was broken again, you know, I'd gone on a three-year bender with prescription drugs because of a surgery and, you know, and there I was again back at step one, you know, I was just like, I was at this place in South Portland, I had tried to kill myself and, you know, I had to go to emergency and get my pumps, my stomach pump and, you know, a spiritual experience happened to me and it got me back into the program and it got me working even harder. And I'm just so proud of, you know, the program and what it does for people, you know, it gives us, it gives us life back, you know, we can be active members of society again, you know, our families, they come back around, you know, when you're living, you know, one of the early things people said was, you know, watch people's feet, you know, you hear them talk from the podium but watch their feet. When their feet match what they're talking, those are the people you want to be around. You know, my life today is second to none, even though I'm sitting here in a wheelchair, you know, I've had to face some pretty, you know, some pretty severe things, you know, I've been sick for the last six years, I was suffering from chronic urinary tract infections, one of the, you know, things from my, the surgery and the injury was, I lost my bladder function because it was spinal cord injury and the blood clot. So there are still limitations that I have but I've been able to learn how to deal with them, you know, if I'm upset and, you know, anxious and stuff, all I need to do is just to just breathe, you know, and take a time out, focus on my breathing and meditate, you know, the answers will come. When I calm my mind, the answers will come, you know. So I know this was kind of all jumbled around but, you know, I really wanted to focus on what life has become for me, you know. My experience, you know, I had to drink and go through what I went through to get me to this place that I am today. And I thank God for that, I thank God every day that I wake up and it's like, oh my God, another beautiful day. And I try as best I can to share positive things on social media because that was big for me. That's where it started my recovery from the spinal cord injury. So, you know, every day I try to put something out there on social media that's positive, that's encouraging, that gives hope, that amplifies hope. I really love what you guys did on Facebook about amplifying hope because, you know, if it wasn't for hope, I would have given up on this a long, long time ago, I'd probably be dead and I wouldn't be living the life that I'm living today. You know, doing the things that I do, you know, I have, well, we used to have five shixters, we're down to one and a cat, we love to, you know, go for rides and go to the beach and go up to Sugarloaf and I'm really bummed that it's canceled this year, but you know what, we need to stay safe. We need to stay safe so that we can, you know, continue to live and prosper. You know, recovery is possible. If we can continue to amplify hope and people have faith, you know, great things are possible.