 السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته إن شاء الله I will commence with a short recitation from the Quran for purposes of Baraka and Blessings أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم إذا السماء فطرت وإذا الكواكب تثرت وإذا البحار فجرت وإذا القبور بعفرت علمت نفس ما قدمت وأخرت يا أيها الإنسان ما غررك بربك الكريم الذي خلقك فسوىك فعدلك في أي صورة ما شاء ركبك كلابلت كذبون بالدين وإن عليكم لحافظين كراما كاتبين كراما كاتبين يعلمون ما تفعلوا إن الأبرار لفينعين وإن الفجر لفي جحيم يصلأنا يوم الدين وما هو نفس لنفس شيئا والأمر يوم إذ اللي صدق الله العظيم بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم بسم الله سبحانه و تعالى سبحانه و تعالى كل شراء هو لك سبحانه و تعالى سبحانه و تعالى سبحانه و تعالى اللهم لا علم لنا إلا ما علمتنا إنك أنت العليم الحكيم اللهم معلمنا ما ينفعنا ونفعنا بما علمتنا اللهم إنا نعود بك من علم لا ينفع ومن عين لا تدمع ومن قلب لا يخشع ومن بطن لا يشبع ومن دعا إلا يسمع Oh Allah, we ask you to grant us knowledge that is beneficial and we ask you to protect us from knowledge that we will make no use of and we ask you to protect us from eyes that will not cry for your sake and we ask you to protect us from a heart that will not tremble in your fear وراءك أن تساعدنا من قطعة وصدقات المساعدة التي لا تكون مفتشرة وقلوبة وراءك أن تساعدنا من قطعة المساعدات التي لا تكلم أعني أعلم العلماء ، أحبين بردنا وصدقين في الإسلام الأمر ينزل لأباً إلى مدينة عائلية ويجب علينا أن نفهم أن نظر at the parent-parent relationship first and then the relationship between the children themselves the child the inter child relationship and the relationship between the parents and the children this topic is a very vast topic every one of us seated here are children of someone we all have parents none of us can say we do not have parents some the parents may have passed on they may have passed away we ask Allah SWT to have mercy on them whereas others their parents may be alive and from amongst those whose parents are alive some may be living with them and some may not be living with them in every case we are taught a lot when it comes to the sharia it is just that sometimes we take it for granted or sometimes we don't understand or sometimes we don't want to know what Islam says when it comes to these relationships I'd like to commence with an incident that occurred at the time of Omar ibn al-Khattab رضي الله عنه where there was an old man he came forth complaining about his child and he said I have a child who is disobedient I have a child who does this I have a child who does that and he said a whole list of things and Omar ibn al-Khattab رضي الله عنه listened to the old man and then called the boy called the young child and tried to advise him saying do you know what your father is complaining about you and you need to fulfill the rights of your father so the young boy says can I ask a question and Omar ibn al-Khattab رضي الله عنه says yes you can ask a question what is it he says do I not have any rights what are my rights you know nowadays people like to hear the word rights what are my rights I need to know my rights so the young boy is asking what are my rights I'd like to know that so Omar ibn al-Khattab رضي الله عنه explained to the young boy what his rights were and that is very interesting because tonight we will all see a new dimension some of us may be knowing this incident the first right that the child has is for the parent to select a good spouse سبحان الله so before the child ever came into existence it was already the right of your unborn children who were not even mentioned that you had chosen a decent mother for them that is something very deep no religion goes into this depth so it is the right of our children that we married somebody decent one of the reasons is obviously when you have married someone decent it becomes much easier for the child to then be brought up in a decent fashion in a decent manner whereas when marriage was only for beauty only for wealth or it was for the wrong reasons for example sometimes we can ask ourselves what do you expect from this if for example a man has married a woman who doesn't even know how to speak who swears and shouts then what type of behavior would that man expect his children to have in order to remedy this in the sharia we are taught that it is the right of your unborn children even prior to your marriage it is the right of those who will be born to you if you ever do have children then you select a good spouse and this is not only for men but even for women that is why a few days back in one of my talks I mentioned of the fact that when you are selecting a spouse in a nutshell ask yourself is this person fit to be the mother of my children is this person fit to be the father of my children and I hope that the youngsters who are not yet married young boys and girls I hope we can take a lesson from this we don't need to go for the next most beautiful woman we don't need to go for the next most beautiful woman but we rather go for a person who is beautiful from inside and a person who is fit to be the parent of our children meaning either the mother or the father like I said moments ago the young boys who want to get married need to ask themselves is this person that I'd like to marry fit to be the mother of my children and in the case of a female is this person fit to be the father of my children when she is selecting or she is deciding whether or not to marry someone that is the first issue so the fact that we have married correctly is already part and parcel the fact that we have married correctly is already part and parcel of the right of the unborn child meaning the unborn child being fulfilled that is of utmost importance the second issue mentioned by Omar ibn al-Khattabi رضي الله عنه he says it was the right of your father to give you a good name to name you with a brilliant name these good names obviously we have names that have a good meaning we have names of the companions of the Prophet peace be upon him صلى الله عليه وسلم we have names that are mentioned in the Quran we have other names that really have a very very good meaning to the degree that you would be proud to call your child with that name is it that we still want to choose names that just sound western in my part of the world people come and ask questions can i name my child this can i name my child that and believe me as the years are passing and as the world is progressing we find Muslims wanting to stay away from Islamic names for whatever reasons they are worried my child must not be associated with Islam may Allah protect us some people have that notion where they think that i'd rather name the child something which will sound more western and they will debate with you why can't i name the child this and that the reality is it's the child's right that you choose a good name because at that age the child has no understanding you don't want the child to grow up cursing you that you know the name i've got is very bad if any name has the possibility or probability of having a bad meaning in Islam we are taught to abstain from it when i say having a bad meaning if it has a possibility of having a bad meaning in any language for example you might have an arabic name which has a good meaning in arabic but in your native language that name might sound like a swear word it has happened in some languages you might have an arabic name but it sounds very bad in our language in that case it would be the right of the child that you abstain from that name not because it has a bad meaning in arabic but because it has a bad meaning in other languages and you wouldn't like the child for example you wouldn't like that child to grow up thinking and saying why did my father name me with this name so that is the second right that was mentioned and the third right is عمار ابن الخطاب رضي الله عنه is telling this little boy that as you grew up the first things to be taught to you should have been the Quran the first things to be taught to you should have been the Quran the word of the creator who created you so the young boy looks and says عمار ابن الخطاب عمير المؤمنين I'd like to tell you my father has not fulfilled any any of these rights of mine and he only stopped these three imagine if he had to go on and on he says firstly he married someone of the street who had a very bad record may Allah protect us very bad record secondly he gave me such a terrible name and up to now I don't even know what the Quran is all about there we are so then عمار ابن الخطاب رضي الله عنه diverted the admonition to the father saying you are coming to complain about your child you are the one who has not even fulfilled any of the rights of the child and you are coming to say my child is disobedient and my child is this and my child is that we ask Allah SWT to protect us so this incident as a prelude to the talk we have in the sharia and in Islam so much that is mentioned about how a person should be living every aspect of my life and your lives is covered in Islam and we are taught that a strong relation between the spouses will result in a positive upbringing of the children if the mother and the father the two of them get on well naturally the children will be having a more holistic upbringing that is something we need to understand it is taught to us in the sharia and that is why and I am going to start mentioning the points that I'd like to talk about this evening one by one the first point is it is very important that whenever we have a difference between ourselves as parents don't ever allow your children to witness the argument between the two never if you have to say something to your wife or if a wife has to say something to the husband that is a little bit heavy a little bit hard do it after the doors are closed and locked in your own room when nobody and none of your children are watching because if you are to vent your frustrations in the presence of a child you are doing a disservice to those children they will grow up thinking that that is normal arguments are normal swearing is normal getting angry is normal and then as they grow up if they don't get angry and if they don't swear and shout then what do you expect them to do do you expect them to suddenly know that you are not supposed to do this when every day they have been watching their own parents that is the same thing that is a very valid point and we need to consider it contemplate because if we take a careful look at the problems that we are facing now across the globe many parents are not fit to be parents really many people have married and they still have a lot of rectification and suddenly they have children who need themselves who need to guide the children need guidance that is what we are faced with nowadays you have parents who have suddenly become parents but they don't know what parent is all about because the responsibility that comes with a child is very great and they think it's a joke and in order to address this we need to go a little bit deeper to resolve the matters and between the children and the parents and to try and give the children the best of upbringings we need to know that the husband and wife themselves need to have a sense of responsibility and that sense of maturity and responsibility will only come when you are disciplined when you are strict on yourself so many times when you have young boys I'm not so sure of the girls but I can talk for the boys you have young boys who have their friends they sit with their friends up to 12 at night and 2 in the morning then a few years later they get married and when they get married they still find themselves making the same time for their friends that is prohibited how can a person how can a person who has now taken somebody's daughter still give preference to his friends over his own wife and this is a sickness that many people are guilty of the time that you spend with your spouse is an act of worship in Islam the time that you spend with your family members is an act of worship in Islam so many people give preference to their businesses over their family members many people just sit and give preference to a newspaper over their family members it's a fact the man comes home from work he is tired he does not speak to anyone he sits down he wants to eat his food he has a temper and next thing he is busy reading the paper or he literally plants himself in front of the television and he is watching the television until late hours then he switches it off and goes to sleep he hasn't spoken to his wife he hasn't spoken to his children if anyone of us here are guilty of that today is the day you are being told directly that that is a major sin major sin how can you give preference to a television over real people real people another problem is also the internet many people give preference to the internet and spend hours every day until 2 and 3 in the morning laughing and joking with the screen if you want them to laugh really you've got to put a screen in front of them they will see what is known as emoticons you know what is an emoticon those small little faces they have on the screen small cartoon style faces they look at someone who sent them an emoticon and they laugh but if you talk to them they will look at you and say hey I am busy and I want to give you an example of a very good friend of mine one of my best friends very very highly educated and he was so intelligent he had 13 A's at all level and 4 A's at A level he was given a scholarship at the University of Oxford some years later I met him I told him you know tell me what has Allah done with you meaning you know what has happened in your life he tells me brother I gave up the internet I said that doesn't make sense I asked him about himself and he is just telling me I gave up the internet so I said what do you mean he said that is the biggest single achievement of my life and I was confused this was a few years back when the internet was still something new now he told me he became a doctor he actually became a psychiatrist later he specialized he told me you know what happened to me I was married and I was addicted to the internet and I was sitting with the internet every day every single day for 6 to 7 hours and I became a person whose social life was the net all my friends were on the internet all the people I spoke to were on the internet I ate and mostly I even asked for the plate of food to come in front of the screen so I would eat whilst I am busy typing whilst I am busy looking and so on and he says I lost my wife in the sense that she left him she deserted him after some time why because if you are not going to give you attention to your wife who do you want her to get that from that's a question many people are guilty of not spending lighter moments even with their own wives where do they want that wife to go and get that from it is true and we need to talk about it because so many women are suffering in silence it's a fact of life they are too embarrassed to mention what is going on and that is the beginning of the problem imagine the children that come out of such a relationship what warped upbringing will they have what type of a relation will there be between parent and child when the parent parent relation is nonexistent so many people are guilty of not understanding that they have taken someone's daughter with the name of Allah when we are officiating a nikah you and I know that there are certain verses that are read I'm sure you all know those verses all of those verses have the consciousness of Allah mentioned in them and I feel and let's listen to this very carefully that the most important verse is the third verse that is read او you who believe be conscious of your رب be conscious of your creator be conscious of Allah سبحانه وتعالى and only utter that which is upright that which is straight that which is full of happiness that which is full of contentment that which is full of truthfulness that which is away from falsehood that which is away from deception that which is not vulgar at all that is the meaning of the term سديد means that which is straight it will result in all forms of goodness and it will keep you away from all forms of bad and evil why is this verse repeated when we are getting married can I inform you of one of the reasons one of the reasons is that do you know that 90% of your problems are caused by the tongue 90% of any human being's problems are caused by the tongue so Allah is saying watch out be careful how you use that tongue of yours especially in marriage the question I have how many of us utter words to make our spouses feel good how many of us utter words to put a smile on the faces of our spouses on a daily basis I think a lot of us are guilty of never doing that or doing it very little every single day it would be an act of worship for myself and yourselves to say a few words to make your spouse smile both male and female an act of worship if we don't do that we will have a hollow society outwardly everything seems to be okay inside nothing is okay and people are suffering in silence why do we need people to suffer in silence we don't no one needs to suffer do you know that you need to praise your spouse on their faces even if you are telling a lie sometimes what happens is the food is prepared it takes hours to prepare especially here in Sri Lanka I don't know there are more than 20 dishes when you sit to eat it takes a long time to prepare and then a lot of men have a sickness a lot of men have a sickness and I think we are all guilty of it to a certain extent where not only do we forget to utter words of appreciation but we will only pick on what is wrong with the food not realizing that there was so much effort that was put now the salt sometimes the salt might have become a little bit more in the food for whatever reason and we say you know the salt is too much in the food not realizing that it took 4 hours to make that are you living for salt is your life rotating around salt no it isn't so what you need to do is and what I need to do is appreciate it by saying you know the food is so lovely really it's very good even if you are telling a little bit of a lie and my dear mothers and sisters don't worry when your husbands are telling you that it will be true it won't be a lie how many of us have told our wives or our husbands you are looking very beautiful today you are looking very handsome today a lot of us are guilty thinking that in Islam you are not even allowed to say that the Prophet ﷺ used to tell that to his wives regularly he used to explain to them and express to them with greatest passion how beautiful they were looking and he told others as well how good his wife was and his wives were I mentioned the hadith a few days ago he said himself about Aisha رضي الله عنها كفضل عائشتي كفضل ثريدي على سائر الطعام he said the virtue of Aisha is like the virtue of the special Arabian dish of food when all the other food is there which means she is the best woman at this moment in time he speaks about Khadija بنت خويل رضي الله عنها he used to praise her on her face and he praised her in her absence to others and he constantly mentioned her even close to his death he was mentioning خديجة بنت خويل رضي الله عنها because she was the one who comforted him when he came down with revelation when he came down from the mount and he had revelation what did she say at that point she praised him he had a difficult time and she praised him she said you know Allah will never let you down you are such a good man you are such a good husband you are so brilliant you go out of your way to help people you are so truthful you are so honest you are so forthcoming you are so positive Allah will never let you down that's what the hadith says she praised him how many wives can praise their husbands again they might argue with me and say they are not like the prophet if they were like that we would have praised them but the question I have and this is to ponder over my dearest brothers and sisters if you are not going to utter sentences and statements praising your own spouse and telling them how good and beautiful and handsome they are looking who is going to do that are you waiting for the neighbor to come and tell that to your wife and it happens it happens and sometimes the neighbor might say it in your presence what an embarrassment all your wife is looking so gorgeous today that is now unislamic that is now unislamic but that statement will have an impact on this woman if it's the first time she's hearing that or if she hasn't heard it in a long long time but if you utter it every day then the most if you utter it every day then even if the most handsome of princes comes and tells her how beautiful she is looking it won't have an impact on her because she hears that word every day from you this is very important a lot of muslims sadly believe inside their hearts that no when we are muslims you need to stay away from certain things no believe me when it comes to your intimate relations and your wife and your spouse you need to understand that Islam has taught us much more than any other religion very important this is what enhances the relationship moments ago I mentioned about time how people give preference to their friends this friend of mine told me that I realized only after it was too late that I was wrong it was too late why was he wrong he says I was mixing with people who were not real and in the process I sacrificed the real people around me my own parents, my own wife my own brothers and sisters I sacrificed them because I was busy on the net every time the question I have for all of us is how many of us are guilty of exceeding the limits when it comes to the internet spending so much time I'm not saying it's wrong to go and check your email the moment you waste time you need to understand that now you are giving preference to something over a reality that is around you there are people waiting for you do you know mostly what happens in our homes the women folk do not go to work the men go to work this poor woman who is a new bride sometimes or she's a wife who's been there for many years she's got a child when you leave to work she is busy thinking about you and she is trying to prepare a meal for you she is looking after the child or the children for example and she is looking forward to you coming when you come she has certain plans maybe in place she wants to smile at you and maybe have a nice big hug as soon as you enter and so on but sometimes when we enter the homes as men we give them such a dirty look that their whole mountain comes crumbling they had so many things planned but suddenly it comes crashing why? because we made a very big mistake we came in with the wrong attitude she has been sitting alone waiting all day for you to come home so that she can share a moment or two with you and you come home and you share those moments with the television and many people have this habit they sit and watch the news and that's it and I know that there are people in here who must be thinking this man is addressing me believe me this is a common problem across the globe and we are here as ulama to help people identify and diagnose the problems the divorce rates are so high because people don't know what marriage is all about when you marry you need to stop giving your friends preference you know we had a young boy who married and I happened to talk to him and I even gave a lecture at his nikah and I had said there that we must give preference to our wives over our friends we have to there is no option as Muslims we must give preference to our wives over our friends is more important than the other your friends have other friends your friends have you also but you don't have to spend so long with them but your wife you are the only husband for her and what had happened is this boy because of the lecture that was delivered at his nikah he decided that he is going to adopt it and he sidelined a lot of his friends let's listen it's a very interesting story when he sidelined a lot of his friends they told him you are a chicken you are a petticoat government you know you don't wear the pants and so on and what happened is he came to me because it was pressure for him imagine your friends every day are telling you they message you or they phone you they say you are petticoat you are gone you are a goner you would rather call her mister and you should call yourself missus and so on so he came to me and told them that I don't mind you calling me a chicken or a frog so long as I am happy in my marriage because the day my marriage doesn't work you are not going to come and resolve the matter for me but I will not lose you as friends if you are true friends and if you are true friends you will send the married man home you know some people when they are married and they are sitting with you at 10 o'clock they will tell you look I need to go everyone starts laughing everyone starts laughing but I say so what the whole world can laugh so long as you are happy is there anything wrong the whole world can laugh at you but your marriage is working and their marriages are not working because when they get home may Allah protect us they have a disaster one sleeps facing one direction and the other sleeps facing the other direction is that what marriage is all about may Allah protect us all and may Allah grant us the true understanding so this solid relationship that is there or supposed to be there between the spouses is what will result then in a solid upbringing of the children because they will not get differing views and opinions they will not be confused when a child sees different things from the father and the child sees opposing views and conflict between the two the child is confused and after that what happens is that child then finds comfort outside the house outside the house because in the house there is chaos in the house there is confusion so the child then wants to find comfort at school or with some friends especially the female child sometimes very silent very emotional but at the same time they may then be caught unaware may Allah protect us and that brings me to another point when we have a child in the house this is for those men who are married who have children and don't worry the women folk your turn is coming a lot of the men must be thinking this man is blasting us don't worry we start with those who are right near here a lot of people are guilty of not understanding what is meant by pregnancy and what is meant by bearing a child a lot of men don't understand that and what type of difficulties a woman goes through in order to bear your child and immediately after birth we show disinterest in that same female because she's got a little bit of fat now a little bit of flap on her belly for example she's got 3 or 4 more stretch marks there and she probably might not get back into exactly the shape she was it's a fact so now what happens a lot of men then after the first child or 2 their eyes begin to wonder here and there and they start saying oh this woman is so pretty look at that woman why are you hurting the feelings of your own wife it is haram in islam to praise another woman it is haram in islam to praise another woman in the presence of your own spouse why would you like to praise another woman for what especially speaking about her figure we are not even meant to be looking in that direction imagine a woman who got married to you and she was in quite good shape she prayed her pregnant really and she got your child and after bearing your child you now want to praise other women to say no those women have a good shape may Allah protect us these are matters that need to be spoken about because a lot of people need this a lot of people don't even know that in the sharia we are taught all these issues you cannot just lose interest because of your spouse solely because now she is given birth if she has given birth do you know how high a status of a woman who is pregnant is and the status of a woman who is giving birth is there are so many evidences from the sharia to prove her status but I want to give you one if she passes away in the condition of pregnancy or in the condition of childbirth she will get paradise without account without account of her deeds she is forgiven totally and she is given paradise straight through the green root so to speak imagine if Allah Almighty is telling the woman that for you to endure childbirth your level is raised so much that if you were to die in that condition you will go to paradise and we as men are sitting and thinking it's a big crime why because now I don't like what she looks like after she gave birth I am repeating this because it is happening in many many homes and a lot of the times it is happening silently and other matters that occur which create confusion for the children is the relationship we have with our in-laws when we have a healthy relationship with our in-laws then naturally the children will have a healthy relationship with us as well but when there is chaos and confusion when it comes to the relationship with in-laws in that particular case there will be chaos and confusion when it comes to our own children let me inform you in Islam once a couple are married you don't interfere with their decisions you don't interfere with their decisions even if it is your son or your daughter you can try and suggest something to them but it is wrong for you to make decisions for them and this message is for parents who have children who are married parents who have children who are married need to understand that they live their lives let them make their decisions when you were young you made your decisions now it is their turn to make their decisions their children's upbringing is their business not yours now they are married they need to start a life of their own many marriages are suffering great turbulence a lot of them even break because of interference from parents on both sides it really is a fact across the globe this is a problem and we don't understand as Muslims take a look at the Prophet ﷺ he never ever interfered he never ever interfered with any of his daughters husbands and he never interfered in their lives not even once I want to give you one true example of Abu Bakr Siddique رضي الله عنه you know his daughter was Aisha she was married to the Prophet ﷺ one day he passed the room of Aisha رضي الله عنه one day Abu Bakr who is the father of Aisha passed the room of Aisha the Prophet ﷺ was there and they were Aisha رضي الله عنه had raised a voice and it sounded like it was a discussion with a debate it sounded like that and Abu Bakr Siddique رضي الله عنه he knocked the door he was allowed to go in he was permitted to go in he went in he did not ask questions you know most of us when there is a problem with our children and their spouses we side with our children some people say my daughter is right always you are wrong and some people say my son is right you are wrong he did not ask questions he didn't even know what was happening he thought there is a debate going on here my daughter is being disrespectful he went in and he admonished her he admonished her to the degree that she began to weep then he went away few minutes later he was passing the same room and he heard them laughing he heard them laughing he knocked the door and he says this is the Arabic term في سلمكما can you make me can you allow me to take part in your peace in the same way you made me take part in your war a few minutes ago moments ago I came in and I took part in your war it means the term war is used but it was not a war meaning when there was a problem I came in now when you people are happy can I come in again and the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم began to laugh and he explained to him look there was no problem at all you over reacted there was no problem at all but why I am mentioning this is if we are to to rectify to admonish to be strict but we cannot begin to make decisions for others you know many women many women complain that sometimes our in laws don't allow us to be mothers what does that mean I am talking about my part of the world but I am sure even in Sri Lanka everyone has five fingers isn't it so we have got the same problems the poor lady has had a child now normally there is a postnatal depression that a lot of women go through because of the vast sudden change in body and one person says you know what give the child formula milk the other person says give the child this type of milk the other one says breastfeed the child like this the other one says no give them water the poor lady is totally confused what do I do you will find a whole bucket of all sorts of things and the child is trying one thing and the other and the child is all sick now why because there is chaos let the mother do what she wants really you can advise her you can tell her but you cannot instruct her she is the mother and some people get so passionate they don't allow mothers to be mothers they want to be the mothers everyone wants to be the mother and this is a sickness it is happening across the globe because we will not be able to move forward and progress as Muslims unless and until we understand what parenthood is all about imagine I have to interfere in my grandchildren every time and that trend continues for generations and generations so rather the grandparents decide that we are now the parents finished we can change the terminology and call parents grandparents with all due respect to grandparents then there is another problem and that is the sandwich that a lot of men are put into why because on one hand you have your parents those are your parents you are the child and on the other hand you have your wife and your children now where to go because now there is a discrepancy between the two should I listen to my parents or should I listen to my wife you are now a parent yourself your parents have a position which will never ever drop in Islam they have a very high lofty position but where they are reasonable you will listen to what they say where they are not reasonable you will explain to them like a man to say that do you know what thank you very much I really appreciate your advice even if you don't want to tell them I am not going to accept what you are saying don't say that tell them no I understand I appreciate I have heard what you said thank you very much for your advice but where they are unreasonable you do not have to take it you only take that which is reasonable sometimes some people say look you know what and this is a fact my mother comes first because paradise lies under her feet I agree your mother definitely does come first but if the paradise is there in the first place some mothers have hell beneath their feet may Allah protect us what this means is if her life is un islamic what paradise do you want under her feet she will begin to tell you to do things which are detrimental to your own self because this excuse to continue listening to what she is saying she will land you in the same place she has landed so paradise beneath the feet is correct only when we ensure that whatever we are saying or doing is within the limits of Islam and what I am telling you this evening is connected to Islam we are Muslims many people have so many problems you know today we are speaking about parent-child relation are you seeing how I have brought into the topic how parents themselves are children of others so the parent-child relation can go through for a few generations sometimes if you have a great grandparent who is alive then there is a parent-child parent-child parent-child relation of three generations so you draw the line you need to give the freedom to those who are married to live their lives according to what they feel is correct on condition that it is within the Islamic limits the minute they decide we don't want to read salah you tackle them the minute they decide we don't want to dress Islamically you tackle them you can interfere the minute they decide we don't want to read the Quran and the sunnah you tackle them you can interfere but whether or not they want to eat out or in is not your business they go out let them go be happy for them if they decide we want to go on a holiday to Hawaii let them go on holiday be happy for them if they decide for example that we would like to we would like to go out maybe for a lecture of this nature we can't say look there will be no one at home would that be fair well it depends obviously on the situation in the house in Islam we are taught that rather the person who is talking stays so we have so many issues in the sharia that are discussed which are relevant to my life and yours if only we knew now let's take a look at a few more aspects of the parent-parent relationship I mentioned a point where I said whenever you have an argument make sure that it is not in the presence of the children make sure that is the most harmful act for the children to have a big argument I have come across cases where they have been boxing bouts fighting and beating in front of children then that child goes to school and beats up all the other children so naturally when you are a teacher at school and you find the child beating up all other children it is a sign that there is something wrong in their house it's a sign something is wrong if there is no love between the spouses what love is they going to be for the child we need to create this love we need to make sure it is there another point is that whenever we speak we should speak with utmost respect to our spouses utmost respect and make sure the children watch that and they see that my father speaks very well to my mother and my mother addresses my father with a lot of respect that child will learn respect automatically the child will learn respect without you having to tell them anything because that is what they have been watching every day whatever the child watches that's what the child does if you read your Salah on a daily basis the child will automatically come up and want to read Salah at the age of 1 and 2 and will go into the posture of Sajdah without anyone saying anything I'm sure you have seen that happening if you dress properly and appropriately your children will dress appropriately but if you have not dressed properly and appropriately what do you expect from your children a woman who wants to wear clothing that is unacceptable for example then she makes dua to Allah ya Allah keep my children modest she is being foolish because she needs to be the example of her own children parents need to be the role models of their own children I don't know how bad the problem of smoking is in this country but even a person who wants to smoke must never do so in the presence of their children no matter what never because it is such a bad habit if we are smoking in front of them to them they might be on drugs in front of us may Allah protect us it gets worse as time passes the best of generations is mine and then the next which means as the generations are passing they are generally becoming worse the disrespect and disobedience is becoming much more and we should remember that when we do something our children will do the same to us how you treat your parents so your children shall treat you how you treat your parents so your children shall treat you there was a certain man whose father used to visit him rich man and because his father was a villager quite dirty and smelly because you know when a person is a villager dealing with the goats and the chicken sometimes their clothing is not smelling so good and so on he did not used to allow his father in the house rather he used to have a place outside near the chicken run and he used to call his father and say come come have a seat and so on and he used to give him a blanket there and he used to sleep there outside the house and what happened is years later obviously his son was watching all this years later after the father passed away and so on he once visited his son and when he visited his son the son threw a blanket to him and said dad you know what to do he said what do you mean he said you are my dad isn't it so daddies are meant to be in the chicken run and the father began to whip and he says we had scholars of Islam who came to us telling us how you treat that's how you shall be treated and I never believed it and today my own son is throwing a blanket at me telling me daddy you know what to do which means get out now and go to the chicken run Allahu Akbar that's just an example but it happens in our lives where we do things believe me the circle completes itself at some stage it will come back to us it will come back to us don't think that when we are bad it will definitely come back and if you don't want it to come back engage in Toba repent and mend your ways here and now it won't come back we are taught that when you help someone across the street Allah will create someone to help you across the street the day you need it or Allah will give you such good health that you won't need anyone to help you across the street that's what we are taught so if we are good for example to our parents and so on and if we are good to our spouses Allah will create people who will be good to us but if we are bad Allah will create people who will be bad to us I mentioned yesterday the hadith where the prophet says the best from amongst you are those who are best to his or her spouses in particular who are family members at large I think that hadith needs to be written 100 times by us really because many people think that we need to please everyone around us outside which means at work and on the street and so on people must think good of us but at home really the relationship is not even there we ask Allah SWT to grant us understanding and as I said we are not going to create that environment within the home where is it going to come from how a person disappears from the house for so long for a long long time he doesn't come home where where are the family members going to derive that figure from that fatherly figure from may Allah protect us all now if we move on to the questions within each other it is very important that the children themselves are made to understand that they are equal favoritism of one child is a very big crime totally prohibited completely haraam many people are guilty of it many children feel that my brother or my mother my brother or my sister or my parents than myself many children feel that that feeling is a dangerous feeling it results in a warped upbringing of the child very dangerous haraam in Islam the Prophet SAW says if you are going to give one sweet to one child and you have ten you need to give all of them all of them equally fair you are not allowed to give one child over the others never so much so that I have read certain books which say that when you are naming your children try to keep similar names so none of your children must think my name is so small and short and look at my brothers got such a wonderful name that is justice and equality when it comes to your children so if you have a double barrel name for the first three children why do you want to have a singular name for the fourth child the child might grow up thinking what did my father do even after you are dead he might curse you keep it quite similar may Allah grant us understanding I have had a case where there was a young boy called Ali who came to me and said my father doesn't like me and you know children when they speak to you they are sincere they have their points and I said why he said to start with he named me Ali I said that's a beautiful name he said but my brother is called I said so he said that's such a long name but mine is only three letters finished and his is so long but look at what he did to the child my father doesn't love me to start with he says this was my name then he sent me to a government school and my brother went to a private school look at that look at that so when we are sending our children to schools we need to send them to the same school so I told him but why did your father do that he says because my brother is clever maybe I am not that clever so my father wants him to become a doctor so sent him to a private school and with me I don't know what he wants me to become imagine little children understand it is very dangerous to favor one child very dangerous don't ever have a favorit child never it is prohibited in Islam that's why you are my favorite child don't ever say that never all your children are favorite no matter what in fact the one who is slightly slower give them slightly more attention another point is the issue of communication between the parents and the children many times the parents don't realize that the world is changing many times the parents don't realize that the world is progressing and changing so the type of problems faced by the new generation will be different from the types of problems that were faced by the older generation they might come to you with something very absurd deal with it correctly don't deal with it in such a way that they stop telling you what's happening in their lives you know we have a problem across the globe where before when people wanted to marry this is a very important point when people wanted to marry marriage was arranged it was arranged the boy was good the girl was good everyone was okay no one had a story or so on and things worked because each one went into marriage with the idea of serving the other and things worked nowadays in a lot of the parts of the globe communication is so sophisticated that by the time a girl gets to 16 she's got someone in mind and by the time a boy gets to a certain age he's got someone in mind if your communication with your child is good they will keep you up to date with what they are thinking and what they are doing but if your communication is bad it will come to you as a shock and that child may elope they may run away from you because they want to get to a person whom they love and love is blind so rather from the very beginning educate your children about marriage when you are deceived by people when you want to marry these are the qualities you look for and this is the type of spouse you need the mother of your children this is what you need and this is what needs to happen and so on and please if there is anyone you ever show an interest in before it is too late please can you talk to me and we will help you we want goodness for you we don't want evil for you I have come across cases where people tell me that I am ready to sacrifice my parents but I am not going to sacrifice this girl finished when you hear that you start thinking there is something wrong you don't need to sacrifice your parents I will talk to them and when you talk to the parents they say no way is over my dead body so I tell them just pretend to be dead for a while and it will happen so this is what it is this communication needs to be taken to a new level there is lack of communication in most homes because even the husband and the wife don't communicate how are we going to communicate with the children sometimes the mother is very close so she knows everything and the father disagrees with most of the things so no one talks to him so now what happens is it already polarizes the situation where everything that you want to get done you just tell your mother about something else you might want to talk to your father maybe may Allah protect us communication is of utmost importance we need to open the doors they might come with something absurd I had a case where a man came to me a man came to me and he told me you know my child is gay my child is gay 18 year old boy is gay I looked at him and I said look we can counsel him we can try and see what depth you know why are you saying this he says no I just heard from someone and I beat him up and I broke his bones and he has now been hospitalized I told him brother that's not the way to deal with things you cannot take away someone's wrong inclinations by beating them you can address the issue and you can tackle it intellectually and you can convince them and talk to them because it is a free world otherwise they'll go away and there are many people who are ready to give them refuge so when I went to visit this young man he was in a very poor condition he was not prepared to give up anything he admitted he says I'm admitting so what I've already been beaten my bones are already broken now what what more can you do kill me kill me if you want you know this statement comes out of some children and it took a long time Alhamdulillah we succeeded to talk to him over a period of time and Alhamdulillah now he is married with children but what I am saying is you cannot solve a problem with violence never not in the home violence is a sign of weakness and insecurity when a man comes and wants to beat people he himself is foolish he is insecure he has nothing besides his feeling of his frustration through physical means to offer that's a sign that he's not a man he wants to beat people up violence in Islam does not resolve any matter never it doesn't solve a problem it will compound the problem and create even a bigger problem because if you have a person who for example believes that five is eleven you cannot roll your sleeves and start beating them you need to sit them down start drawing things maybe get two little buckets put five fruits in one and five in the other tell him now please can you count them he will get to ten and stop you solve the problem you thought of a solution rather than beating him up if beating up taught people that five plus five was ten today before the old level exam we would put all the children in one line and give them ten shots each and after getting whacked they would go and know all the answers that's not how it is rather you need to talk you need to explain you need to come up with intellectual solutions you need to come up with using your brain because there are two things a child either listens to you out of fear or the child is either convinced and does it and in Islam we are taught to convince the child when salah is read when salah is fulfilled up to a certain age the children might be doing it out of fear but after a certain age you need to know that they must be doing it out of their own responsibility understanding that this is what is required of me because if you are going to force the child by beating the child to read salah in your presence the salah is done but when you are not there there's no salah why because you beat the child in order to get there but if you explain to the child look salah is so important it is an obligation from Allah who created you the one and so on and the child watches you doing the same happily then naturally you will have a solution to that and the child will be fulfilling the salah wholeheartedly so that is we were speaking about being fair and equal when it comes to your children we spoke about communicating with your child very very important then the education of your child is something extremely important what type of schools do you send your child to can I inform you why we say that it's very important there are two environments inside the house and outside the house nowadays the environment outside the house has a bigger impact upon an individual than the environment inside the environment outside has a bigger impact on an individual than the environment inside the friends have a bigger impact than the parents so what the parents should do is try and help the child choose friends try and help the child choose friends sending them to schools where there are decent people where the discipline levels are high because sometimes we've had parents who come to us and say I don't know where I went wrong I tried my best to give my child the best upbringing but now suddenly after so many years the child is like this and like that and I normally tell them do you know that it is the friends who have a bigger impact so you might have given them a very good upbringing but you never took an interest in the friends of your children we need to take an interest in the friends of our children who are their friends how do they select friends have we ever spoken to them about that what type of friends should you have sometimes those friends are imposed on them by the school because they are sitting right next to a person so you don't choose who you're going to sit next to at school suddenly that person talks to you every single day and you swap numbers and so on and you happen to talk and visit each other and the qualities of that friend coming to your child that friend might be from a totally broken home fully confused and that confusion will seep to your child why because we did not train the child what type of friends to have and what to take from a friend but we never ever spoke to our children in this regard so it's important to know that where we send our children plays a big role in determining what type of a child that child will be also what is of prime importance is when we develop a link with the علماء when we as parents have a link with the scholars of dean naturally our children will incline towards the scholars when we are distance from the علماء when we have nothing to do with the scholars of religion when we are far from them when we speak ill about them the children will be the furthest away from the scholars of this religion and that is dangerous also we need to as I said yesterday we need to strike a balance between secular education and Islamic education the secular education will help a child for a few years but the Islamic education will take the child through life and beyond life after death sometimes you have parents who concentrate on the education of their children spend lots of money make them something very big you know a highly qualified accountant and a few days after graduation big car accident and the child died may Allah protect us all did that qualification help the child no when the child goes in the grave is the child going to be asked about accounts they tell us more about Ernest and Young tell us more about this and that no in the grave the religious knowledge will now help so that is why the child who has no religious knowledge will curse his or her parents that ya Allah punish them because they taught me something that was not even going to help me and if it did it was going to help me for a short while but they never told me about this meeting of ours they never told me that I would get into the grave I didn't know how to read Quran I didn't know anything I didn't understand the message of Allah and His Messenger I was never sent to any institution and so on so this is why it's important for us to realize that when we attend a function like this naturally our children will also be enthusiastic to attend but when we are disinterested our children will also be disinterested so the link you have with the scholars of deen in sha Allah will open the doors of contentment within your home you know I have mentioned a lot and I have spoken of many points and I hope and I pray that I have covered all three aspects of what I had intended to cover one was the parent-parent relation the other is the parent-child relation and the third is the child-child relation it's important we understand all three categories the most important is the parent-parent because if the parents themselves happen to be leading an exemplary life automatically the upbringing of children becomes easy becomes very easy but if the parents are in a chaotic state naturally the children will be harmed by that chaotic state and they will be in greater chaos so we ask Allah to open the doors for all of us and we hope and pray that we have learned something tonight connected to this topic and we hope and pray that everyone who has come here will take away something and we definitely need to take it seriously we definitely need to take it seriously every one of us there is room for improvement tonight when we go home start learning how to smile in the house start learning to say good statements to your spouse start learning to resolve matters start learning to stop interfering in the lives of others start learning to become people who make others lives easy not difficult so that when you die people can really say this person lived such a life that they always helped others they always made life easy for others we need to start doing this and the husbands really there is room for improvement when it comes to the relations with the wives and the wives as well many wives are guilty of not appreciating what their husbands do for them the man goes out in the morning and comes back in the evening in order to earn in order to put a plate of food in front of you may Allah SWT all appreciation and may He make us from those who can appreciate everything that is done for us ya Allah we ask you to have mercy on us ya Allah have mercy on us ya Allah we ask you to open the doors of mercy for us forgive us ya Allah forgive our shortcomings we have a human nature ya Allah we make mistakes ya Allah ya Allah forgive us grant us steadfastness keep us away from shaitan ya Allah grant us good health ya Allah ya Allah grant us good health ya Allah ya Allah those who are sick and ill in any way ya Allah grant them cure ya Allah those who have passed away have mercy on them ya Allah ya Allah make us exemplary parents ya Allah may ya Allah improve our relations ya Allah make us exemplary parents and ya Allah protect our children ya Allah ya Allah grant us all forms of goodness ya Allah ya Allah we ask you all the goodness that Muhammad SAW has asked and we seek protection from all the evil he has sought protection from انت المستعان عليك البلاق ولا حولة ولا قوة إلا بالله العلي العظيم سبحان ربك رب العزة عما يصفون وسلام