 The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Say, folks, do you know what it is to wake up some morning with that just-can-face-it feeling? Why, sure, you know. It's the day you get out on the so-called wrong side of the bed. Well, that's the morning to be doubly certain. There's a big bowl of crisp and cheerful grape nuts or grape nuts flakes to clap your eye on. First thing when you get to the table. They look so good, and boy, they are so good. You'll feel all perked up in no time at all. Yes, and you'll keep right on feeling perked up all morning long because both grape nuts and grape nuts flakes are crammed full of sustaining energy giving, whole grain nourishment, iron, niacin, vitamin B1, plus proteans, too. And don't forget cereals with whole grain nourishment, like grape nuts and grape nuts flakes, are a must for that adequate breakfast you should eat. Remember, you haven't had a thing to eat for 10 or 12 hours. That's why doctors and dieticians say you should get at least one-quarter of the entire day's nourishment in the morning. So eat a good breakfast featuring grape nuts or grape nuts flakes, do a better job. Gentlemen, let's turn back the clock. It's Saturday evening, and we take you to Jack Benny's home in Beverly Hills. Radio, television, and violin recitals at ridiculously low price. You want to complain about his camel? Well, no, I don't. Is Mr. Benny in? How much does he owe you? He doesn't owe me a cent. I'd like to speak to Mr. Benny. How much do you want to borrow? I don't want to borrow anything. Well, congratulations. You have met the necessary requirements. Mr. Rochester. Mr. Benny, you want it on the phone. Oh, who is it? I don't know, but it's safe. This is Walter Wanger of the Academy Award Committee. Oh, oh, oh, Mr. Wanger, yes, yes. Are you calling on official business for the committee? Yes, I am, Mr. Benny, and I want you to know that we did exactly as you requested. You, uh, you did? Yes, we counted and recounted those ballots 20 times. And Paul Lucas is still the winner. Goodbye. Rochester, there's nothing to laugh at. All right, I was wrong about it. The award is a serious business. In totaling the ballots, the results can change up to the last minute. That's too complicated. Complicated? Yeah, in my business, all you gotta do is roll them out. I'm not interested in your business. Besides, I'm taking Miss Livingston to a movie, so get out my razor and give me a shave. Oh, boss, why don't you shave yourself? After all, yesterday I gave you a haircut. What are you talking about? I wasn't even home yesterday. What's that got to do with your hair? Well, that's the silliest thing I ever heard of. The hair on a toupee doesn't grow. The one you bought doesn't. I'm talking about the one you trapped yourself. Yes, I did trap a couple of them. And you better stop wearing the one with the white stripe down the middle or you'll lose all your friends. Rochester, stop being silly and give me a shave. Okay, but boss, do me a favor this time and break the monotony. What do you mean? When I cut you for heaven's sakes, bleed. Okay, okay, start shaving. When you cut me, nudge me and I'll force myself. Miss Livingston may get here a little early, so hurry up. I want to be ready when she arrives. Oh, butterfly, butterfly. Yes, Miss Livingston. Butterfly, I can't find my lipstick. Have you seen it? No, ma'am. Uh, how about my mascara? I haven't seen that either. Well, that's funny. Have you seen my false eyelashes? No, ma'am. My goodness, I can't even find my false fingernails. Butterfly, what are you laughing at? You certainly are lost, aren't you? Butterfly, a lot of girls wear false eyelashes and things to make them look prettier. But Miss Livingston, you don't need any of those things. I think you're very pretty. Oh, butterfly, you're just saying that. Oh, no, Miss Livingston. And another thing. I heard that Dorothy Lamour wishes she had something that you have. Really? What is it? Me. Help is hard to get, you know. I guess you're right. Now, butterfly, help me button up my dress. I've got to hurry over to meet Mr. Benny. He's taking me to a movie. He is? Yes, that's why I'm going to his house. Mr. Benny's taking me to the Cameo Theater, and it's in that neighborhood. Gee, the Cameo Theater? Yes, butterfly. Have you been there? Not since they raised the price to 15 cents. 15 cents? He would. I'm going to call up Mr. Benny and tell him... Uh, come in. Oh, Miss Livingston, after all, you have a maid. Oh, I'm sorry, butterfly. You answer the door. Yes, ma'am. Go to the door. Yes, ma'am. Marry the goats and doze the goats and little lamb. Barbara, gee, I'm glad to see you. How's Bob? He's fine. I just heard from him this... Say, Mary, am I intruding? You look like you're going out. Oh, if you want to call it that, Jack's taking me to a movie, and I just found out it's a 15-cent one. I'll bet it's the Cameo Theater. It is the Cameo Theater. Has Bob ever taken you there? Not since they took out the benches and put in the folding chairs. For heaven's sake, I didn't know Bob was cheap, too. Well, he wasn't always, Mary, but he started running around with Jack, and he got some of it on him. Leave it to Benny. No kidding, Mary. Is Jack really that type? Barbara. All I know is, in Scotland, when two Scots meet, one says to the other, say, McGregor, did you hear the new one about Jack Benny? Anyway, I'm going to call Jack and tell him he can save his 30 cents because I'm not going to a movie... Say, wait a minute. What are you doing tonight, Barbara? Nothing. Good. Then you come to the movies, too, and we'll make Jack buy tickets for the three of us. Would you like to come? Oh, I'd love it. It'll probably be a cowboy picture, and I'll be able to whoop it up. Whoop it up? Yeah. I haven't whistled at anything since I got married. Let's go. Oh, boy, will Jack be sore. That's Rochester, what a rough shave you gave me. See, my face feels awful. Did you cut me? I ain't saying, but if I held your nose and mouth, you could still breathe. Last time, you were going to shave me. It almost was. You can say that again. Well, that must be Mary now. Come in. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. What are you doing here, kid? I had to see you because I'm still having trouble about my income tax. Dennis, I've explained it to you a dozen times. What did you tell him at the income tax office? I told him what you told me, that I make $186,000 a week. You told him that? Yeah, the tax man figured for three hours, and then he said I owed six and a half million dollars. Six and a half million dollars? Because I embarrassed. I didn't have that much with me. I've told you over and over again, $186,000 is your theoretical salary. You actually get $35 a week. Oh. Oh, what? I'll probably get a refund. I gave him a check for six and a half million dollars. Don't worry, you'll get the whole thing back. Anyway, Dennis, you shouldn't be pa... Excuse me, kid. Well, I'm here, Jack. Good. Now we can go to... Well, hello, Barbara. Hello, Jack. How are you? Fine. Come on in. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Miss Livingston. Barbara, I want you to meet Dennis Day. Dennis, this is Barbara Stanwyck. Barbara Stanwyck? Gee. Hello, little man. Little man? She should know what a wolf I am. Dennis, stop with that silly talk. Well, I want Miss Stanwyck to have respect for me. Oh. I do respect you, Dennis, and I think you're very sweet, too. You do? Of course I do. Would you ask me for a date if you were sure I'd accept? Well, I wouldn't say that. You see, the man I like to go out with is... Well, my husband, Robert Taylor. But he's married. I certainly hope so. Let's start. It's time we went to the movie. You know, Mary, as long as Barbara dropped in, it isn't polite for us to go to the movies and leave her here. I mean, especially... Especially since... They took out the benches and put in the folding chairs. I didn't mean that. Anyway, I've got two passes. Say... Say, kids, I've got an idea. Why don't we stay home and play gin rummy? I don't want to play gin rummy. But Barbara wouldn't enjoy the picture. It's a Western. Oh, I love a good Western. But it's not a good Western, Barbara. You see, it was made since the beef shortage and the cattle thieves had a Russell Gophers. It's no good, you know? Well, if you don't want to go, we'll go by ourselves. Come on, Barbara. All right. Hey, kids, would you like to have my passes? No, Jack. We can make a better deal at the box office. Okay. Now, look, Dennis... Just a minute. Oh, Miss Stanwyck! Yes? I wish you wouldn't act so silly. What did I do that was so silly? Trying to date up Barbara Stanwyck at your age. It'd be silly you're at your age. What? What did you say? Miss Stanwyck would have fallen in love with me if it hadn't been for you. Me? What did I have to do with it? You don't pay me $186,000 a week. Well, that's the craziest thing I... Why would Miss Stanwyck fall in love with a kid like you? I could tell by the way she looked at me. You could tell what? That if you and Miss Livingston hadn't been here, she couldn't have controlled herself. Dennis, what's happened to you? I don't know, but it feels good. I've had enough trouble. Listen, I've had just about enough out of you. You come over to my house, eat my fruit. What? I've been watching you. Now, you go on home, and when you feel like apologizing for the way you acted, you can come back. Okay, and goodbye. Goodbye. And get your hand out of that fruit bowl. Now, go home and take it over. I'll show him. Such a wise guy. He pays me $35 a week, treats me like a kid, and expects me to sing good. I'll get even with him. Next Sunday, I'll sing lousy. That's what I'll do. You're done right. I'll sing like this. But I'll sing lousy on the program, even if I have to practice to do it. I'll show Mr. Benny. Oh, darn it, I passed my house. Where have you been? I just came from Mr. Benny's house. I'll take a bath and no one will notice it. Say, where's mother? She went to work. Oh, who are you betting on? Strangler Lewis. I just had a big fight with Mr. Benny about Barbara Stanwyck. Who? Barbara Stanwyck. Chief Papa. She's beautiful. She's got eyes like stars, lips like rubies, a figure like Venus de Milo. Son, stop talking like that in front of your mother's picture. Even you're against me. Everybody's against me. I'm gonna get undressed and go to bed. I can get along without Mr. Benny, believe me. Last week I was on Frank Sinatra's program. When I stepped out on the stage, the girls screamed louder at me than they did at Sinatra. Then Frankie told me I forgot my pants. Frankie said I should have my own program and I'm gonna have it, too. And another thing, from now on I'm gonna listen to Fred Allen with the door wide open. No more of that sneaky stuff. I'll show Mr. Benny. Boy, this bed feels good. I don't need Jack Benny. Anyway, where would he be without his violin? I'm gonna have my own program one of these days and be a big star. And girls are gonna be crazy about me. My own program. That's what I'll have. I'll show Mr. Benny my own program. Big star. Girls crazy about me. Big star. Hudson Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Dennis Day with Winston Churchill, Henry Morgenthau, Queen Elizabeth, Samuel Goldman and yours truly Gypsy Rose Lee. I don't have to sing anymore. I've got the best in show business. Take it, Don. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we'll open the Dennis Day program with a song by Nelson Harris and Jeanette McLivingston. Mammy's Little Children Love Grape Nuts Grape Nuts Mammy's Little Children Love Grape Nuts Grape Nuts Mammy's Little Children Love Grape Nuts Flakes Oh, well, I'll put on for breakfast and you will be well fed Mammy's Little Children Love Grape Nuts Grape Nuts it even tastes better than short man bread. Coffee, a grape nut and you sung by Flattop and Mrs. Pruneface. I'll feature attraction tonight. I'll take it. Hello? Hello. I'd like to speak to Dennis Day, please. This is Miss Danwick. Miss Danwick? Gee, just a minute, please. It's for you, Dennis. It's Barbara Danwick. Oh, is that Dame calling again? She drives me nuts. Tell her I'm not in. But Dennis... You heard me, fat boy. Tell her I'm not in. Miss Danwick, I'm sorry, but Mr. Day isn't in. I know he's there. I know it. I heard his voice. Tell him I've got to speak to him, please. Please. Yes, ma'am. Dennis, she insists on talking to you. Oh, all right. I'll give her a thrill. Dennis. Dennis, I must talk to you. It's urgent. Oh, hello, urgent. I want kid. Dennis. Dennis, I haven't heard from you in five days. What's the matter? What's happened between us? You've been neglecting me. You've changed. If there's anything I should know, I wish you'd tell me. Well, if you must know, I don't love you anymore, kid. Seventeen years to you alone. Some place where we can talk. Meet me at the Brown Derby. The Brown Derby? Okay, goodbye. Goodbye, darling. Hmm. Oh, well, I might as well meet her and get this over with. It's crowded here at the Brown Derby. A table for Mr. Day. A table for Mr. Day. A table for Mr. Day. A day for Mr. Table. A day for Mr. Table. A day for Mr. Table. A derby for Mr. Brown. A derby for Mr. Brown. A derby for Mr. Day. It's Derby Day. Oh, people are listening. Let's order something to eat. Oh, waiter. Waiter. Yes, Mr. Day. What will you have, sir? $186,000 on whole wheat toast. Yes, sir. And what will you have, madame? The same thing. And whole the toast. Yes, madame. But first, would you mind standing up for a minute? Why? We're taking out the benches and putting in folding chairs. Thank you. It's been such a wonderful evening. Just being near you again has given me something to live for. Well, I'm sorry, Barbara. But this is the end. I'm never going to see you again. Oh, no. No, Dennis, darling. Don't say that. You mustn't say that. I love you. I love you. You mustn't leave me. Tell me more. You fascinate me. You wouldn't dare. Oh, yes. She did it. She killed herself. But it wasn't my fault. I'm not to blame. I'm not to blame. Oh, yes, you are. Who said that? Ben. Saw you, Dennis Day. You killed her. No, I didn't, Mr. Benny. Really, I didn't. She killed herself. You drove her to it. And you'll sit and fry in the electric chair. No, I won't. No, I won't. Who killed her? She's dead. Barbara, speak to me. L-S-M-F-T. L-S-M-F-T. You killed her. You killed her. Get away from me. Get away from me. Mother. Oh, is that all? For a minute, I thought your mother'd come home. All right, now go back to sleep. Okay. Good night, Pop. Good night. Say, Butterfly. A butterfly, tell me something. Yes, Mr. Wilson. Is that really true about the cameo theater? I mean, that it only cost 15 cents. Oh, yes, Mr. Wilson. Jerome and I used to go and sit right through till breakfast time. Oh, my goodness. Did you get awfully tired? Yes, we did, Mr. Wilson. But then we'd go out and eat a good breakfast. Well, that's fine. Then you could do a better job. Yes. We could go back to the cameo theater and sleep. Oh, Butterfly, how you talk. But friends, a good breakfast, one that features crisp, crunchy, malty, rich grape nuts, will help you do a better job no matter what the job is. Or grape nuts bring you all around whole grain nourishment, one kind of nourishment you need every day. And grape nuts have such a distinctive texture, such a wonderful, sweet as a nut flavor, they're fun to eat down to the last crisp kernel in the dish. So if you want to sit all day at the movies, eat a good breakfast, do a better job, and be sure to include delicious, malty, rich grape nuts. Well, folks, we'll be with you next Sunday night at the same time. And I want to thank Warner Brothers for allowing Dennis Day to dream about Barbara Stanwyck. Good night, folks.