 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay calm And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic the five Surprising things high quality men find beautiful and a woman. We're gonna talk about those five things All right really quickly, but if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new content I shoot about three or four videos per week including live streams and shorts and all that kind of stuff So lots of content. Also if any time during this broadcast or while watching the replay you hear something that resonates with you Please hit that like button for me. I'd really appreciate it that way more people get to see this in their algorithm All right, we're just gonna jump into those five surprising things men high quality men find beautiful and a woman Really quickly though before I forgot is that if you're watching the replay I'm gonna do the content first and then I'm gonna do the Q&A So if you want just listen to the content, you don't have to sit through the whole half hour hour of this broadcast Because I will be doing Q&A right after the content. So let's just jump right into the content right now Now one of the things I do want to identify is what I'm about to say Resonates for both men and women alike. Let me repeat that it resonates for men and women like so what I'm about to say is what? Men find attractive in a woman or beautiful in a woman a woman will most likely find the exact same things Attracted to men and why is this because I added the term high quality man in this conversation Then not just any man so a lot of what I'm about to share actually resonates with those people that have stepped into another layer of I'll call it emotional maturity emotional maturity and that's what I think a high quality person is is a person who's Emotionally mature So what emotionally mature a person finds attractive is oftentimes their mirror their mirror Versus the opposite which happens is people who are not emotionally mature Oftentimes attract the wrong person in their life to help Enhance or build up their emotional maturity, but that's for another conversation Which we'll talk about once we get to the live stream Q&A section Okay, so let's talk about that first thing men find beautiful in a woman a high quality and I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses Actually, I better clean them real quick because I do have my notes All right number one now I wrote down men fine I know when I said the word surprising this isn't very surprising But why this is so surprising is because when I'm about to share feels rare these days feels rare these days And the number one thing in fact most men would agree Most high quality guys and most high quality women would agree that the one Attribute that they find beautiful in a person is friendliness is friendliness and And and when when someone is friendly, they're easy to be around they're easy to be around Now some of you might be thinking well, I'm a friendly person So I'm a man out in the dating realm And can I tell you that one of the first things I notice in a person say their dating profile is what energy? Are they projecting out in the images when they post their pictures on this little device? And I can tell you a lot of people don't smile. They don't show their energy They don't show their enthusiasm. They're actually they're sourpuss faces. They've got sunglasses on or there's um, or Or they've got the stupid snapchat filters on I mean all that kind of stuff in it hides What's inherently inside someone is their friendliness and one of the reasons why I think this is the case is because What's happened is for a lot of men and women alike a lot of men and women alike is That they've had so many poor Experiences out in the dating realm that they've actually become either bitter jaded Resentful or angry at the process. Let me repeat that they've become bigger jaded or even angry at the process of meeting a new Person so I've noticed though a lot of women. I've experienced this myself Time and time again. You go on a first date with someone and they're not very friendly. There's there's this kind of air of Attitude this Arab not just arrogant attitude, but you can just say an angry attitude So my invitation for everyone first and foremost is everything I'm about to share is usually because of a wound It's interesting. The wound is causing the opposite of what's not happening Let me repeat that a wound is causing the opposite of what is not happening What I mean is these five things I'm about to share So when someone isn't very overly friendly most likely there's a wound that caused them That's a pain and I and I and I see this time and time again in so many the posts when you write Comments on the page I can feel your pain and that pain is bleeding over and it's causing you not to be seen as a friendly person So my invitation is to do the inner work so you can find your inner joy your inner peace your inner strength Your inner love. It's one of the reasons why I wrote my book. What the heck is self love anyway? If you're new to my channel, here's my book There's a link below to in the description of Jonathan recommends books along with my book This book is a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work So you can find that inner joy that find that inner peace so you can show up Smiling on a date because when someone is showing up smiling and happy. It's infectious people want to be around happy people So number one is friendly Number two I wrote this down as consistency Consistency and and this really piggybacks on actions matching words and being consistent One of the challenges with most humans is that they're suffering on the inside in some way shape or form which causes them to be Inconsistent in their life. They're suffering from I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable and Because of this they haven't really adopted what I love is described in the book the four agreements the four agreements now I remember I said earlier in this in this video is that Emotional maturity is one of the biggest challenges in dating today Well part of that is because people aren't following what's in this book called the four agreements and one of the agreements is is to be impeccable with your word to be consistent and What a lot of men are experiencing and women are experiencing the same thing from men as well is that they're not Consistent with their words, especially when it comes to saying hey I'll be ready in five minutes and then it takes you an hour to get ready That's something that drives a high quality man nuts It drives a high quality woman nuts when a person isn't consistent with their words and most likely that Consistency is because there's still a wound that hasn't been healed. I don't Look and I'm not absolving anyone of bad behavior what I'm here to suggest is And I'm here to suggest is what we what high quality people will find attractive Many women alike is when a human being is consistent their words They're impeccable with their words and I'm gonna tell you I find that Incredibly beautiful and attractive in a woman and my hope is is that you're that kind of woman as well number three Let's see. What did we write down? Oh, I wrote down grown-up grown-up now What I mean by grown-up and this is a critical area being grown up particularly in the area of Conflict resolution conflict resolutions every relationships are gonna have conflict the problem with Emotionally immature people as they operate from a place of I'm right and you're wrong. I'm gonna repeat that I'm right and you're wrong and what's very attractive to a high quality person man or woman alike is a person Who can be a grown-up a person that will listen to your point of view? Accept your point of view as being true for you and then you doing the same for them And when you can operate from that place of emotional maturity that is highly seductive and attractive Because what happens in a lot of relationships is friction. I'm right. No, I'm right. No, I'm right. I'm right a Grown-up isn't about being right a grown-up says how can we find? Resolutions to our relationships because when you can find a resolution you actually find the beauty in the other person at the same time Because it's highly attractive when two people can come together in agreement Versus continual friction and this again goes back to a level of emotional maturity Is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please let me know. By the way, thank you all joy I appreciate that you love my book Lynn. I appreciate that. Thanks so much Okay, number four and I wrote down this is being healthy lifestyle healthy lifestyle. This includes eating healthy Exercising and dressing sexy. Okay. I'm putting this all into that Box of just your this relates to the body Oftentimes we hear of mind body spirit and emotion, right? Well, this relates to the body What's really beautiful to a man or woman are like is when you see someone who you witness they eat healthy? And I'm not saying, you know, we can't Have a pizza now again, but people who actually covet their healthy lifestyle is important to them including Exercise that is incredibly attractive and beautiful to a person and when someone says I don't have time to eat healthier I don't have time to exercise. That's a crock of shit. Everybody we can all find 15. Excuse me 20 minutes a day for exercise and certainly we have control of what we put in our mouths and people who Actually invest in a healthy lifestyle Live longer. They have better mood swing mood swings is a mood swing moods and whatnot In addition to a high quality person who values a healthy lifestyle He's seeking he or she is seeking their mirror They're seeking their watermark and that's really what I'm talking about If everything I'm you can switch it man or woman alike because what I'm sharing that men find beautiful women find attractive as well And last but not least now this one's a tough one I wrote down Brings joy to his life brings joy to his life And what I really meant like that by that is that the person doesn't bring emotional pressure to the life Emotional pressure oftentimes Men will say in their dating profiles. No drama. No drama Now what drama is is and this is just an analogy. Don't hold me to this But let's just say for argument's sake a woman's expectations of emotions are here And a man's capacity for giving emotions is here and that's space in between That's called drama because you're wanting him up to be up to your level What a man appreciates is a woman who brings joy in his life and doesn't put emotional pressure That's what a man finds beautiful attractive and desirable when there isn't emotional Responsibility and what I'm really talking about emotional responsibility is what I'm talking about is validation For you to feel good about yourself Or for that person So what what I'm really talking about is needy behavior a lot of times people show up in relationship Because we're suckling on the nipple of neediness here in the united states And it's basically is I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself And because so many people are drinking at this trough It's putting it's taking away all the joy and fun and being relationship because it's requiring constantly to validate the other person Validate them. Oh my god. Why don't you text me when I get home? Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that? I'm like don't put look at I'm showing up But when you are requiring me to fill the gap because it's coming from a lack inside of you Work on your own stuff because that doesn't bring us joy in relationship and ladies If a man was doing the same thing you wouldn't find it attractive So what do we find beautiful and attractive people who bring us joy? In fact, ultimately Men commit when they feel good when they feel good in the relationship When a man doesn't feel good in a relationship now He might be getting the basic needs met of connection and sex and some companionship But it'd be but that's and sometimes men that's all that they want or that's sometimes what some women That's all they want, but ultimately they won't go to that next layer that next Up the rung of the ladder of commitment unless they feel good being with you Because when someone feels good being with you they want to spend more and more time with you And these and what I just about to share what was beautiful The inverse is what kills attraction and that's what I was leaning in today. Did this resonate with you? I hope so. I'm going to repeat it real quick and then we're going to take questions By the way, if you have a question write the word question I'll write the word question set and then a colon and then write your question out or buy a super sticker or a super chat There's a little dollar sign and that way I can see it pop up on my screen All right really quickly the five surprising things men find high quality men find beautiful and a woman friendly Consistent grown up Healthy lifestyle and brings joy to his life. This is true for men and women of life. All right It's time to jump in and answer questions right now. So just give me a second To check out what we've got on the board All right, looks like we've got one right here sp 9017 writes should you date someone you you work with should you date someone? So whenever I see the word should That makes it feel like an absolute can you date someone you work with is the answer is yes You can date someone you work with now I'm going to assume that there's some protocols at each company. There might be some so Some protocols about fraternizing with people to work and all that's I use the word fraternize. I don't know why but That was old school. I'm a boomer. So Um But but there's sexual harassment laws and things so can you you can but I would first want to know Uh a what's the company policy about dating people within a company number one? And number two you ask yourself if the relationship doesn't work out. Is it going to be uncomfortable? There's an old adage I didn't make this up But you don't shit where you eat and that basically means is you don't date where you work But now here's the thing though It used to be back in the 60s the workplace was the number one place to meet your spouse Believe it or not back in the 60s that happened to be one of the number one places to meet your spouse that shifted in the 70s Certainly in the 80s and then with the internet now the internet happens to be the predominant place people are meeting for the first time But I can say you can date someone you work with but should you I would be very cautious That's my my suggestion for you. All right. I hope that answers your question Let me scroll up the board here. I want to thank everybody who's on joy adrian taylor Cheryl morgan rebecca. Thank you so much. All right. Let's take our next question Joanne, I need your john. I need your help My long distance broke up with me and I haven't talked to him in two days yet. He's still reaching out I don't know what to do So So I don't understand. He broke up with you He still reaches out, but you don't know what to do So He's obviously ended the relationship. I guess the question is what do you want to do if you want to get back together? Have you tried to reconcile and if you've tried to reconcile and it didn't work? I have a belief that if someone doesn't want to be with me I'm okay. I wish them well I wish them well on their journey, but then I focus on myself. That's what self love does Self love does that it's not about lamenting over another person So if you've tried to reconcile and it didn't work And he's not interested then I would simply request Please don't communicate with me for a while while I move on in my life Now i'm sure there's a lot more to the story kk How long were you dating together? You said It's a long distance broke up. So okay, so here's my questions with long distance How long have you been dating? How many times a month do you see each other? How often have you had sex? Did you talk about plans? To shifting from living separately to apart. I mean, how deep did this relationship go? I mean for all I know you dated for three days and now this and I'm making up that number but In other words, please give me more information because that's hard to reconcile But what I would do is what I suggested. Okay Okay um Joy writes as we age we need to make adjustments in our lifestyle and recognize our limitations and make adjustments in order to be happy Healthy for ourselves in our lives. Yes. I fully agree Okay um Rebecca Do the work y'all Exactly do the work. This is why by the way for those who watch my youtube channel. I recommend a tremendous amount of books I recommend a lot of books. Why and by the way, I got to tell you i'm disappointed with some of you I can't believe some of you say jonathan. You're making me read all these books That's way too much work and I just got to say you got to be fucking kidding me You're not willing to invest 30 minutes a day In your own well-being To make you a better person to be in relationship and that's too much work is 30 minutes a day Well, then give me 15 minutes a day. Give let me reframe that give yourself 15 minutes a day But if you're not willing to invest 15 to 20 minutes in your own Personal development self-help and spiritual work that will eventually help in your relationships Because of all the material i'm helping you with then you have no business dating I'm sorry. I'm gonna be fucking blunt if you're complaining about doing a little bit of work To making you a better human being and that's too much for you Then I am not the channel to be watching go watch some of those stupid, you know channels that's Teaching this bullshit here. This is the book the rules. This is bullshit Let me give you an example of how much bullshit this is But listen if you want to follow bullshit reverse psychology advice that Will temporarily make someone be like you for a moment And then never see you again then follow that advice if you want to follow the leaning back of feminine energy Just leaning your feminine And the guys will just naturally gravitate towards your pussy because that's what that Uh infers that's a crock of shit too because relationships take a level of work. And what does that work? It's emotional maturity. That's the work. It's reading these books It's reading the book like the hoffman process or eight dates By dr. John and julie gotman or how to be a fucking adult in relationships I'm sorry. I'm yelling but but that's it it like drives me nuts when I hear people say I can't invest that time but I want to go back to this book the rules Here's here's a chapter. It says don't meet him halfway. Don't meet him halfway That's a chapter and I want to read you what it says. This is a rule rule number four Is that men are supposed to rearrange their schedules around you pursue pursue you take cabs and trains to see you Okay, so what this book is setting you all up a lot of you ladies Is that you're better than men? And the minute you subscribe to you're better than another human being you're already set for failure This is why I don't like this book. It makes men out almost as we have to do more work In a relationship for it to work. That's a crock of shit A healthy relationship is like a two-lane street. Both people are investing mutually into the health of the relationship It is not supposed to be the man doing more work and I'll tell you any woman who wants to do me do me Yeah, do me as well as date me She's gonna have to hey say jonathan. I'd like to take you out tonight. Hey jonathan. I've got tickets to the movies Let's go do this I want a real partner in my life and my invitation for every one of you is to lean into treating the dating process like a partnership and not an expectation based way of dating The problem with most dating advice. It's all centered around creating expectation that men are supposed to do this And you're setting yourself up for failure because men will never meet your expectations. Is this simply word? Please tell me all right Anyways, I can't stand the book the rules or any teachings along those lines All right, let's answer more questions. If you have a question by write the word question So I know it's a question so kk writes Once I figure out something He moves Okay, once I figured something out he moves or is thinking about it He got rejected by my sexual by me sexually and wanted to break up With me yet. He said he's loved me and said he's loved me for the right sentence I'm a little bit confused. I am so sorry kk. I really don't understand He's moves or think he's moved. So I miss am I you know what? I can't I can't process that one I am so sorry kk. I can't figure out your question All right Jennifer says The rules book sucks. I know women who follow the rules are under divorce now the truth hurts exactly Lynn Gustav says leaning back Ah Joy says I hundred percent agree. All right Kara k writes my boyfriend of four months and I've been reading the books you recommend together our relationship is juicy delicious Thanks. Thanks in part to you. Thank you so much kk juicy delicious and healthy I hope but everyone I want you I want everyone to read what she just said My boyfriend of four months have been reading the books you recommend together For those of you that have told me that a man the man you're dating Would not read a book if you recommended to him Then my suggestion ladies the penis doesn't get to go inside the vagina unless you both are going to co-create a relationship Now here is the biggest problem with dating today Most people are dating from a perspective of just getting some basic needs met and what's missing oftentimes is a real level of Of commitment of commitment. That's what I think you k carry by the way real level of commitment I think the problem with commitment today is that People at midlife don't know what commitment looks like It's very easy in our 20s and 30s when it's about making babies and raising a family But the problem in midlife is ultimately I want you to think about this men traditionally do the asking of marrying right And one of the reasons why men do the asking is because they're basically saying I will take care of you. I will through thicker through thin I will financially take care of you This is a real big challenge for the vast majority of singles who are in their 40s 50s and 60s for a couple different reasons One many the 75 percent of the population in their 40s 50s and 60s Who are actively dating right now are divorced and what divorce means is alimony child support visitation rights family court Just to name a few things. That's just one number two Is that roughly 80 of americans make less than a hundred thousand dollars a year? So it actually takes two incomes To to make a real household work And so a lot of men don't feel like they have the resources to take you on This is one of the reasons why over 50 percent of men are less likely to commit Midlife because they don't have the resources to take care of you And we have this built-in expectation that that's what you expect from us We have this innate expectation that you expected from us So how can you turn this narrative around by saying you don't expect it from us? This will take the pressure off of a lot of men who would be likely to commit But they feel like there might be a financial pressure involved. That's just one example Not i'm not even going down the road of emotional pressure, but ultimately Commitment basically says is I will take care of you and a lot of men don't go the distance for this one reason alone That's why i'm just bringing it to your attention Is any of this making sense? Is it resonating with you? Please post a comment or write a question All right Let's go through here um Denise said Denise says read books. That's when you grow exactly um Don't invest your time stay stuck. I love this joy exactly don't invest in time yourself stay stuck if that's working for you You know more power to you Amy says I just got your self-love book. I love it and I love that you've got me reading it again. I'm so happy All right, does anyone have a question Um, all right. Sorry. I'm good at this thing sometimes Screws up. All right. I think I've got a question here um Kathy says I love your passion and bluntness. Thank you svg writes How okay, how do you be a grown-up and respect each other's point of view when you're always being gaslighted? I always need to call out the gas lining and then I become difficult in his eyes. Okay Love this question so A person who gas lights is a person who is not emotionally mature That is the easiest way one of the fastest ways to determine emotional maturity Is a person who always has to be right and by the way gas lighting is always turning a problem around And making it the other person's fault. That's what gas lighting is now It's natural for humans to get defensive. So I want to differentiate Is he just getting defensive or does he actually turn it around and make it your fault? Okay Because it's again, it's very common for human beings to get defensive This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading the book The Hoffman process to heal childhood wounds and traumas that cause defensive behavior But if we want to take it a step further if they're turning around and making your fault Then i'm just going to hear to say Either accept him the way it is and be miserable or unhappy or move on There is no way to a change a person unless he does a deep dive into Childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas and works on his own shit on his time It's not your responsibility to make him be a grown-up It's your responsibility to choose people who are grown up from the get-go And this is one of the reasons why if you hired me as a coach my whole coaching practice is one Teaching you how to bet for emotional maturity. That's my area of expertise. Check out the link below to a free discovery call Everyone in the description. There's a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you all right Ah, thank you. By the way kk writes. How do you get a guy's respect with not being called a Bish it really bugs me. Um I don't know what that means. How do you get a guy's respect with not being called a bish? It really bugs me. Sorry kk. I don't know what that means um I I hope you weren't meeting bitch, but I don't even know what how that even would apply here Okay, monica writes. What do you think about lat living together apart? Monica guess what book I have right here living together apart Okay, everybody. Let's talk about this. This is a really juicy conversation right now living together apart So what okay traditionally throughout history and we go back to you know After caveman days where we used to marry someone and for either it would be arranged marriages Or you got pregnant you you get married and then as we evolved into the 20th century we could Basically live together without marriage and now there's a new phenomena called living together apart And what that means is couples that are fully committed together in relationship But they live in separate homes and what they're finding now is these can be actually one of the healthiest forms of relationships when couples do it Consciously when they do it intentionally and there's a book written called living together apart. It's a tiny by the way This is only It's not even a hundred It's so it look at it. It's only it's a hundred pages and it's not even it's uh, it's double space and everything So yes, I I'm a big proponent of it With when there's intentionality behind it and a real game plan When you decide if you are eventually going to move in together or just keep your assets separate and a lot of people are doing this a lot of people are doing this and What's so great about this too is men will be more likely to commit knowing that you are taking care of the financial Responsibility in your household and he's taking care of the financial responsibility in his household And that way it doesn't put pressure on him to have to be responsible for your financial well-being So I do love that book and I love that idea. So thank you for bringing it up All right, um Let's see. What do you think about post traumatic stress how to deal with couples who have PTSD? um Well couple of a person who has PTSD or a couple who has PTSD Okay post dramatic stress syndrome. So I'm a big so the question really becomes is will the stress Cause tension in the relationship And if it does then I'm a big proponent of doing as much healing work on the PTSD So it doesn't bleed into the relationship and since there's a variety of different types of PTSD And I'm not a professional on that and I'm spitting I highly recommend seeking therapist For assistance in that certainly for the person who if both people have PTSD I highly recommend two separate therapists working on their stuff My suggestion and then maybe a mutual therapist to help with the communication because oftentimes there can be friction and communication when there's PTSD So I hope that helps kk Um, bish is the b word. Oh, okay. So now I can't remember what the question was um, all right, so How do you get guys respect with not calling a bitch? It really bugs me First off getting you okay. I don't believe you ever get someone's respect. I believe you show up authentic vulnerable and transparent if a person can't appreciate and respect you for who you are Then chances are they've got issues going on in their life And it's not your job to make someone respect you My suggestion is you show up authentic vulnerable transparent Show up friendly kind Show up friendly consistent as a grown-up healthy lifestyle Those are the important things to bring to the relationship if someone calls you names Then they've got issues and do you really want to be with a person who's got issues? I mean we all have issues, but you want to be with someone who's degrading by the way Dr. John and julie gotman talk about Here in the book eight dates the four horsemen of the apocalypse Criticism contempt defensiveness and stonewalling those are killers to a relationship. Let me repeat that criticism contempt Stonewalling and defensiveness those are the four horsemen to the apocalypse of a relationship So if someone has contempt for you in criticism Tell them to fucking go take a go pound sand get rid of that motherfucker as fast as you possibly can That's at least my suggestion. Anyway okay Gustavo means god and staff and I live in a city called las cruces by cemetery. Okay. Thanks. So thanks gus All right Kk writes how long should you not how long should you not talk to a long-distance relationship partner? to About getting back together how long not to talk Again, you're going to have to be a little more precise with your words How long should you not talk to a long-distance relationship partner to get back together? So I think what you're probably i'm going to assume here that many of you are listening to the bullshit advice called Feminine leaning back and you just lean back in your feminine energy Just keep leaning back because the guys will naturally grab your pussy What a fucking crock of shit. Okay, ladies if a guy pulls away What you get anxious, right? So if you pull away you're you just want him to get anxious and come get you Listen, if someone pulls away from a relationship Either you're going to talk about the relationship and co-create something together or move fucking on Stop holding out for people that are not interested in being a relationship with you By the way care the woman who said the boyfriend I've dating for four months is reading these books ladies I have so many clients. In fact, I have a client. I have a coaching client Who i'm getting on the phone with her boyfriend on thursday She wants me to talk to him so I can talk to him about this stuff because and he wants a serious relationship She wants a serious relationship. I'm getting together as the mediator to help kind of figure out what their challenges are This isn't my area of expertise per se, but actually I've gotten over 20 000 hours of coaching right now under my belt I have over 3000 hours of personal development work including workshops and trainings and seminars and books I literally almost have my masters if not my phd. I currently have a currently Neural linguistic programming certificate and I'm in the process of getting my cognitive behavioral therapy certificate Why am I sharing this with you because I'm talking about the real shit and not the bullshit stuff you read in this book And I'm not a big fan of the look it. I'm a fan of empowered energy Male female be empowered be in your sovereignty be in your Self love. I'm all a big proponent of that what I'm not a big proponent of believing that if you lean back It's somehow going to magically make a guy come back to you and it might Temporarily do that for a second, but it's not long term. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know All right call lean right Wait, I just want to say something grace. Thank you so much I appreciate that All right calling writes my guy is unpredictable making me more reactive pathetic responsive to his intention Or initiation then I then I ordinarily would be how do I get him to be more predictable and getting It's getting ridiculous. So let me read this again. My guy is unpredictable making me more reactive pathetic responsive. So calling chapter one of my book Is called speak your truth do it with kindness. That's chapter one of my book now I'm going to find Chapter nine in my book if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing So calling you sit down with your partner you express what's going on In your in your what you express your feelings now if you have a hard time expressing your feelings I highly recommend buying this book Nonviolent communication by marshal Rosenberg or Go on youtube and watch a couple videos. Okay. Now. It's called nonviolent communication It should have been called compassionate communication What you want to do is have a sit down with him and talk to him about how you're feeling Now one of two things are going to happen. He's going to say honey. You matter to me. I want to make you happy Let's work on this together or he'll get defensive Criticize you judge you gaslight you throw you under the bus, which it seems like he's doing it anyway What he's done is revealed who he is And if a person does that kick him to the fucking curb because you don't want that in your life But Jonathan I love him. I'm so in love with them I'm not saying you say that but I hear this all the time, but I'm madly in love with them ladies Oftentimes it's not real love you're experiencing what you're experiencing Is what you need to learn from these two books the book attached And the book getting the love you want by harville hendrix and helen hut. Why is this happening? Okay Hey, you're either reliving a pattern from your childhood that relates to one of both of your parents That's the amago that's taught in the book getting the love you want or what you're experiencing is love attachment style He's an avoidant personality. You're an anxious of personality. So you're attached to that You're just reliving that because you're not experiencing this Because when you're experiencing self love, you won't be lamenting over a fucking asshole Dump a guy who's treating you like shit. Now. I'm making the assumption. He's treating you like shit, but the way you you Identified it in the question Lady everybody else knows it. In fact, if you are giving here's the thing ladies and gentlemen I oftentimes ask all my clients when they have a problem with a guy If this was your daughter, what advice would you give her and it blows me away? 99.99999 percent of the time every woman says I would dump the guy Well, then why would you tell your daughter to dump someone that you're not willing to dump yourself? dump bad behavior But show up Like I talked about and if you're choosing men like this that means you got to go back to the drawing board And ask yourself why am I choosing that? That's why I want you to read these two books. Okay um Answer someone else's question other than kk. So, okay, I will um All right, Amy writes do men sometimes say they don't want a commitment But they really do the guy I'm dating actions feel like genuine and I'm confused Okay A lot of men do want a fully committed relationship. Let me be let's differentiate Do they want commitment or do they want a fully committed relationship? A lot of men want a fully committed relationship. The problem is The problem with most people at midlife is they don't know what fully committed looks like because they're no longer on the hunt for a spouse When we're in our 20s and 30s when we're on the hunt for a wife and a mother of our children It's a whole different way of choosing a mate. So that's why at midlife. It's much more complicated It's not like the movie brady bunch where you know You know, mike brady was a widower and we don't know what happened with carol brady But they just magically had this family appear But they didn't have alimony and child support and visitation rights and family court And x spouses to deal with the multiple children and all this stuff They made it easy. The problem is nobody knows what commitment looks like at midlife This is why I highly recommend reading this book eight dates and then I recommend reading this book Reading this book mating in captivity by ester parel. Oh my god. This is brilliant If you really want to help solidify your relationship start reading these books with your partner Start reading these books with the guy you're with And if he's it look at if the penis gets to go in the vagina You have every right to ask and if he's not willing to do it. Why the fuck do you want to be with him? It's my invitation for you anyway. All right Oh nadine, uh nadine, I did Uh, I'm sorry nadine. I didn't see your question posted it again And I promise if you post it again, I'll I'll try to find because these questions go by quickly Okay Lynn writes can intervention and shine can intervention and shyness from a guy be a maker of lack of interest from a guy Inter Intervention and shyness. I don't understand the intervention Can shyness be a matter of lack of interest of guy some people are naturally shy and they need More from the other person to help bring out that I don't understand the intervention part. But yes that can appear a lot of shy people are afraid because they're hurting on the inside What's most happening is most shy people on some way remember I said the number one emotional health issue is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable I'm not likable shyness is because they haven't worked on healing themselves So I'm a big proponent of working on the stuff that cause the pain That's why reading this book helps you understand where that pain comes from And when you understand where the pain comes from you can heal the pain Is this sinking in okay nadine? Hopefully I can find your question all right Hope that helped by the way. All right How can I check if my boyfriend wants to be seriously committed when he sucks at communication? I feel like he's always got one foot out the door Have you asked him? Okay, so I've got it. I've got here's the thing. I want everybody to do the following I want you to write on a sheet of paper. What does commitment look like for you? What does it look like for you? And then I watch if the guy gets to have sex with you on a regular basis You get to ask him what does commitment look like for you and then compare notes Now if he sucks at communication What it is, you know what here's the thing happy couples don't suck at communication Only unhappy couples suck at communication and it's usually because they're missed a lot But Jonathan I love him, but I love him so much Ladies healthy relationships aren't about love healthy relationships are about compatibility About blending lifestyles and then ultimately emotional maturity Why do you think the divorce rate is 50 percent for the first go around in 60 70 and 80 percent the second third and fourth Go around because you've got a lot of emotionally immature people out there running around with their heads cut off like chickens This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the work yourself because it doesn't matter Whether or not you're in relationship with someone else because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself And once you have an awesome relationship with yourself You won't be attracting these kind of people in your life And if you do you dismiss them really quickly boom boom boom boom boom it's like bam bam bam You're just like you're teflon to those people when you do the work. That's my invitation All right question. What about long distance relationship in two different countries? Is it worth a relationship or is it better to keep it a friendship? You know, I'm sorry. I got a crack up on these and I'm so sorry LL. I don't mean to I'm laughing but I want to tell you why Because if there if I had a nickel For every time I've heard something along the lines of what you just shared with me I would live at the beach with an ocean view and drive a sports car. Oh, wait. I live at the beach I have an ocean view and I drive a sports car My midlife crisis sports car. It's a convertible Actually, it's a four series beamer. Anyway, my point in sharing this with you is long distance relationships are inherently just a Telephone virtual relationship Most of the time people are spending hours and hours and hours and hours Using their little smartphones to communicate with one another And they don't have a real plan of how to take the long distance to being together So number one their biggest problem is they don't have a plan number two It takes roughly about a hundred hours of face to face time spread out over a three Roughly about a six week to 12 week period of time just to get to layer number one Of really getting to know another human being There's this fantasy that so many of you have bled into You're buying into pen pal relationships I'm laughing because most virtual most long distance relationships are just a virtual relationship Which is no different than a pen pal relationship So effectively you are in a friendship Because if you're not doing social activities hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork both in your personal and your professional life and fucking on a regular basis You're not going to develop the roots to trust that the relationship needs That's why i'm not a big proponent of long distance unless you have a plan and when you have two countries I mean my question is l l have you even met this person yet? That's my question to you All right All right, let's see what other questions you have Uh taylor says do you believe friends can be more than friends? Yes friends can be more than friends Friends with benefits. That's certainly within the realm of friends can be more than friends um Did you ever go through a land rover phrase? I did have a I did have a Toyota Land cruiser at one time, but i'm not a land rover person anymore All right Yes, accept his calls and change your tone of voice and accent. I don't know what that's to long distance Feels like turning the light on and off in the relationship. That's a great analogy. Okay. Do we have any questions? All right real candid with kathy says so many are asking how can I make or do something? Hello, you can't make anybody do anything or why would you want to oh my god real candid kathy? Yes. Yes All of you are coming to me. That's why how can I make my god do this? How can I make my do that? How about Why do I accept bad behavior? Ask yourself that question? Why did I choose a relationship? That's long distance? Ask yourself that question. Ask yourself. Why ask yourself? Why are you doing the things you do? That's a better question to ask. Why did I do this jonathan? Okay. Thank you kathy. I appreciate that Um Lisa davis, I missed your question post it again so I can get your question, but I did not see it Let me just scroll here again So do me a favor lisa davis post your question. Oh, here's one from avan. I didn't see this How important is it to men for a woman to be financially stable? My boyfriend has a career and makes good money I work, but i'm not financially stable. We're both in our fifties. Okay, so let's differentiate what's financial state stability Yes, now i'm going to assume if you can if you can't pay your bills That means you're not financially stable That's not a really good place to be in life just in general because if he's not in your life How are you going to pay your bills? Okay? I'm just make You know you have to be able to that is important if it on yourself because financial stability simply means I can take care of myself now If your partner can take care of themselves But you have to look at their lifestyle. Do they have alimony? Do they have child support? Do they have other responsibilities and how much leftover money is available for the resources in a relationship? Do you know money? Okay, 50 percent of divorces cite money as the problem and the real issue is humans have their own Value around money human beings all have their own unique relationship and value around money So you can have two people that make the same amount of money But they value money differently and there's going to be friction in relationship You could have a person that makes a lot of money and the other person doesn't but they're going to act in control of the relationship because people with the money usually go into a a kind of a Mentality of I control the relationship because I'm the one paying for things So there's oftentimes what's most important by the way in the book eight dates. There's a chapter chapter 4 is called sex and money It's all about how to have the money conversations. I highly recommend having money conversations early Because you don't want to end up in divorce All centered around because you didn't talk about money early on is this sinking in is this resonating? I hope so All right. Thank you for your question. Avon now lisa. I know you had a question so And I can't find it Ah, oh, there we go. All right Question does a woman have to give up some independence to move a commitment forward? My relationship is stuck. Is this why? What's healthy? What's healthy independence to give up? All right That's kind of a loaded question and what I mean by loaded question is not enough details for me. So um People who are overly independent I'm not suggesting you are overly independent, but people are overly independent aren't attractive people to date people who are You know because human beings want to feel needed to some degree men and women want to feel needed So if a guy is constantly I'm using a guy if he's constantly busy He's working he's got his whole life and he's got only a small bit of room for you That sucks, right? So I want you to think of it in inverse If you've got a full life, you've got your work. You've got your kids You've got your exercise and you've only got a small room for a guy. It's gonna suck for him So ultimately what's going to improve your relationship lisa? It's using these Your lips your mouth start talking to one another ladies start having real dialogue with men Stop praying for magic fairy dust to come through and it'll just change everything because if I wait for magic fairy dust Five ten years down the road Somehow something will magically change The biggest problem in the relationship is people aren't talking to one another about how they feel This is why the one the client the woman who said we've been for four months The guy I've been dating is reading the books. This is a couple that's having real conversations My god, stop being afraid to talk Use your words. What do we tell little kids use your words? Ladies, I'm sorry. I'm yelling at like you're a little child because I'm trying to tell you use your words speak up And talk to him about it and if he dismisses you then maybe he's not the right guy for you because if a person Dismisses you over and over and over again Then you just may not be aligned together on who you are and what you want Is this sinking in is this resonating? Thank you for your question. Lisa. I appreciate that Whoo, I'm on a roll tonight. I'm 46 pretty and single now. I'm almost now I'm almost desperate to date any guy who looks my way. How do I hold up my standards instead of settling? You see I'm laughing because I can relate Well, not at the age. I'm a little bit older. So I Can feel a little desperate What's most important is how do I hold up my standards first by knowing what your standards are and and See the problem with standards is a lot of times Women don't have standards. They have expectations. So let me tell you my standard I'm just going to tell you my standard in relationship I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities Hobbies mutual interests spending time with family and friends Traveling together teamwork both in our personal and professional life sexual intimacy doing workshops together to build our emotional maturity I'm seeking an emotionally mature person. So what do I do? I use the techniques I teach in my coaching practice on how to vet for emotional maturity because when you get the emotional maturity piece out of the way You're setting yourself up For a juicy delicious relationship within your standard and that's a heart So How do you get there by vetting for emotional maturity first? That's my invitation for you All right Sandy writes when my boyfriend broke up with me. He left me hanging for three weeks. My mother said Don't call him. But I did ask what is going on with us. You were the you were the first time I heard You were the first time I heard I did the right thing. All right, so many of you have been told Lean back when he doesn't call you. Fuck that shit Fuck that shit. You know what you do if someone hasn't called you in a couple days. Well, you follow first off First off, let's determine because a lot of let me backtrack for a second before I throw guys Totally under the bus. I'm gonna throw some of you ladies under the bus I don't know how many times I get this message Jonathan. It's been four days and I haven't heard from my boyfriend I go, have you reached out to him? Well, no I go, when was your last communication? Well, we said we were going to do blank blank blank Ladies first off, you can reach out to a guy. It's not always men reaching out to you That's why this stupid fucking book the rules and that whole feminine energy leaning back bullshit Is driving you fucking nuts because a relationship is a two-lane street both people traveling putting in effort Effort is mutual. He takes you out on a date. You take him out on a date He takes you to the movies you buy the snacks. He does this for you You do that for him if you want to be treated like a queen Then you better start treating him like a king And I stole that from a meme I just read And my point being is you can call him now If you sent a text message or a mail you the last communication was you and one two three four five six seven days to go by Apps of fucking Lutely call him. Don't do this feminine leaning back bullshit thinking that he will just magically appear Call him out on his shit. If you guys are having regular sex together See, here's the problem with a lot of you You're not actually dating with any intentionality And what I mean by intentionality is you're not exploring a relationship together and to explore a relationship together takes Consciousness and what does that consciousness? It's first reading like this book and then reading this book After you've read my book By the way, there's a link to all the books below Why am I screaming because you guys ladies if you don't know how a relationship works How is the guy ever going to figure that out? You have to if you want to figure out your standards then find out how a relationship works But Jonathan if we love each other it will just magically work out Magic magic fairy dust doesn't make a relationship work Intentionality is what makes a relationship work All right, oh, I missed that one. Where is that? Let me scroll here bear with me everyone. I saw a question Ah Well Oh, here we go carl right or carry right. Why do people in midlife choose to get married? I'm undecided. I definitely want a life partner. We'd like to live together, but wondering if marriage is important. What's your opinion? You know what carry I want to read you something And this is everyone. This is my match.com profile that i'm about to share Okay, and let me go to my profile And uh here, how do I open my profile? All right, I want to read I'm going to read to you everybody um The first line of my profile says let me start with the following I'd like to get remarried. I'm telling you or at least live together I'm seeking a woman who feels the same for me. It isn't about growing old with someone I want to grow in life and in love with a special woman Also, I said I promise my next partner emotional maturity lots of great sex chocolate massages flirty text messages poetry Travel and tacos on tuesday So Here's the thing I'm a big proponent of marriage and why? Because marriage says I've got your back Marriage says you can count on me Marriage says I'm going to be there for you when times are tough Marriage says I'm all in Marriage says we're a team marriage says Through thick and thin I'm going to be there for you even when times are tough because I think what's missing today in so much Is the will to take care of another human being I do believe this is the fundamental problem in most dating mating and relating Challenges today is a lack of commitment a lack of I've got your back I want to be there with you through thick or thin, but most important. I want to take care of you during tough times See, we are so fucking spoiled here in the united states We live in a we live in a victim consciousness mentality. That's instant gratification That all you have to do is swipe and you know this and then we have this Paradox of choice. I mean it's such a cluster fuck out there anyone who says dating is is it sucks Who says dating doesn't suck is a full of shit. It is a mess out there It's a mess for a variety of different reasons. How do you find the joy in the mess? There's only one solution to that Bump bump bump Love yourself As ester parel says the most important The quality of your life is going to be predicated on the quality of your relationships and the relationship with yourself Is the most important relationship? So going back to the marriage questions I'm a big proponent of it because I think when people make an investment in each other They have the greatest chance for happiness and when people are dating passively unintentionally Casually pen pals long distance friends with benefits They're just temporary And usually what happens is they go from one temporary to the next the next and that wears on our heart And i'm here to say let's invest Ensuring up our own self-love and then finding partners Who are our watermark who can meet us in that same place who's aligned to who we are and what we want And traveling on the street at the same speed Oh, wow that hour went by quick. I know there's a lot more questions. I want to thank everyone who did post a question I'm sorry. I couldn't get to all of you um Guy belize says Preach jonathan. I'm french. Thank you so much Uh christine writes you crack me up. Thank you. I'm I'm here to entertain um Let's see There are gg writes distance is insane. I kind of agree Um ec writes. Thank you for answering my question divorce ties engage 10 times. I guess I need to write a book By ester parel highly recommend that I don't know what fts stands for but Whatever it is cool All right, I think this is a good time to wrap up listen everyone. Um From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you all for your love and support Many of you write me these kind loving messages. I am so grateful from the bottom of my heart Um supporting the work I do. I know I'm unusual the way I deliver this content I'm delivering it straight from my gut My gut and my heart, okay I call myself a heart protector because my coaching is heart centered radical honesty It's direct a little tough love and a lot of heart and occasionally I'd usually use expletives to enhance a sense and enhance a sentence and I appreciate that many of you Understand why I do what I do I think this is a great place to wrap up for today. So those who know me know Um, I wrap up all my videos as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow and give it or them a hug Of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank you so much and wishing you a wonderful day. Bye. Bye now