 Hello, everybody. Welcome to real life podcast right here on SBM Buzz. Kami supo host Miss Kithingi and this is where all feelings are represented. Joining me on set today is... Ian official. Rich girl is Jackson. Many other gracious host. Now today's topic of discussion is about co-parenting and the question is where do you draw the line when it comes to co-parenting? Sijuso rizenun igani zen yu Miss Kiaport co-parenting. Ian webutu anzena wewe as a man on set today. Well, I think there's something called, I want us to revisit, something called history. And I'll put it in a scenario of maybe a phone gadget. If I want to sell you my phone, I must clear all history. The same thing when you've decided, we have reached a point of co-parenting. We have first of all to clear the history of we were once together. Now we start thinking of us as parents. Standard procedure, standard. Drop the child if maybe nimama na kanae or maybe if it's the dad who lives with the kid. Drop the child on Friday and make sure the child is back home by Sunday. For what? No, as a quenda maybe class the following day. There should be minimal conversations between you both parties. If you're not discussing about the child, I don't see what we're discussing about. Not unless we have other things that have tied us, that require the both of us to discuss apart from the kid. Maybe we have property together. Maybe we are trying to sell property together. That's where me and you we have to come keep in touch. But zaidia hapo siku wambia mzazi, adropum toto piya na kujana mgozagi. You get my point. Ya. You get my point. That's when you start finding, oh we have the second kid. You know those scenarios? Ya. I'm your baby daddy, but now we have the second child. And when you are leaving, you will not be able to communicate. So I believe, first of all it is to cut on communication. Let us talk only when necessary. That's what I believe. Hey, I feel for me, I agree with him. So apondi onatu kakuja, for example details. For example, I have a baby daddy. Blockiana kila mahali, we cut communications like that. Well you see you can't you can't you can't afford to block your baby daddy. You have to you have to keep it open on at least one social media platform. And that's what I say, let's pick what's up. I can block your Instagram and all that and everything. But now that will not hinder me from posting my things. Even Ruto being the president, Rila still lives in Kenya. But there are things and points whereby you are forced to collaborate because of all these things. Kama ni cbc, ntoto na faena kumaklazumu tu miwa kwa what's up. There's no I'm working up to go to GPO kukolektu kumakiamtoto, simply because kumab Blockiana. Kwewa unamka subu, una henda, una nilza uti mi postbox na kupatia, 00100, una henda una ni mailia, kumakiamtoto. That's a lot of nonsense. You get my point. Or number two, the people who do this, they introduce a mediator, like a lawyer. All right. Kama ni ntoto kukuja kwangu, ntoto na pelo koko akili, wakili na nmleta kwangu. Norisha ntoto koko akili, wakili na pelo kama toto. That's how you charge everything. If you want to pass even the 10 years information. Ryan alisa hawa Raba, nandiki ya wakili. Raba ya Ryan, nae wakili na nandiki ya mama Ryan. Raba ya Ryan, nae wakili na nandiki ya mama Ryan. That is how people have... I've also seen scenarios where you use a house help, whereby me as the baby mama, I'll never pick up your call if you need to contact your child, the household has been bought a phone for that you can even video call your child anytime that you wish. So you see at that point now, there is no interaction with you and the mother. If there is nila important, I have paid school fees, you know. Or I bought the outfits, get them to do somewhere. Just normal information. There is no place and trees of Ryan. A man zaku crawl, wa, wa, wa, wa. He able to make a video. Is of you too. That is where now you get to bring back all these emotions that were here before. Una pata na kwa parenting is not possible. I feel like I have so much to say, bachani yandze apa. Yandze amwanz. Mi yandze amwanz to nandze amwanz. I feel like if both of you, mule kachi name kargri, this is not working. Lets coparent, you might not need our lawyers, rina, nina, nina, nina. Me niza co-parent kamabisti. The only reason amfeku comeunikit sana, is if one party has moved on and is seeing another person. So to respect their relationship, you expect tia nabib mama kila tia ma na kutumia video, zarayan na na crawl. Om wa kea rayan kila. Euro nila tu respect. But if both of you are not seeing anyone na maia chana ukweli, you can just be friends nama co-parent uizuri. Na feelings az ita ruudi. Was moua chane, there was a avenue m thinking the reason I побhyungwafamisana is when we bring emotions again each nasal down then another one feel they blow ph attacks weren't good so still this person gets better kora hii niwa mahaza na wa mula kwen wa kwen ukaqumisha nawa ya ni kiwa mula mahaza jo kwa au ziha mii ya naYo kwen, kwa kwen ukaqumisha nawa kwen ouaweza kwa uaweza ka wa kwen kwen yuva kwen mula kwen mula kwen, kwa mula kwen kwen mula kwen. When we are together in thoughts, we understand we left each other, we have our own different lives now, but we have a child, and this is the only thing that connects us, so I should not come in between your life, kama ule move on, ule move on, sife kuskevi baya? The problem is, most of the times, one party kwa gime move on, ina kwa gana two groups, ina kwa gana? So this is the problem? I can also remember that there are some points whereby co-parenting is not easy, because you find it is forced, and it is forced by law. Past me and you, we had a thing, then Ryan came in, then mi nasema huyu sim toto wangu nasi o wangu. So what happens, we go through the DNA test, okim toto ni wako, now we have to co-parent. But I'm not there physically, I'm there maybe financially. What is my job? Place school fees, sending money for bla bla bla, only the required things, but I'll never be present. You're not there emotionally available for your child? I'm not there physically, I'm not there emotionally, I'm only there financially. You get my point? Ya. Let's not look at the aspect of, we can make it easy because mi and you, we are communicating, it's not about communication. Sam is forced and that's why you find co-parenting becomes harder at times, not even because of emotions, but because others are forced. Even the foundation of that relationship was at zero? Yes, there are other co-parenting situations that are forced, that if I am asked today, do you want to continue? I'd say no, but I know the trouble that it would get me into. You get my point? You know the trouble that it would get me into? I have a question, so there was this couple that were having an issue, so kuna dem na kuna chali. So dem is in a previous relationship where she has a child. So now unfortunately the baby daddy died. So the husband was having an issue with the wife going to the baby daddy's burial. But remember, he was having an issue with the wife going to the baby daddy's burial. So you see, it's a couple yes, but now the baby daddy is having an issue with the wife. So what do you think is the problem? I think there are some things that require us to be mature 100%. And for that lady, she should start now noticing some narcissistic behaviour from the man. Because in all honesty, you can't be in a position whereby you are fighting with a dead man. He doesn't want to look bad to his friends. Number two, there is something called closing the gap or I'm seeking closure 100%. That once I've already done this and I know burial will have 24, 3 weeks, you're not going to sleep there. If I'm going for this burial for 2 or 3 hours, you have already closed that chapter. There's no other time I'll hear about babanani, babanani, babanani, babanani. As a matter of fact, it would be maturity times 2 if I accompany you to the burial for the essence of the kid. That's also part of maturity because you want to show me, myself, I don't have any bad blood between that guy and myself. And at the end of the day, you'd never wish death even on your exes, whatever. So for the lady, she should start noticing at least some narcissistic behaviour. Because that's being toxic competition because you can't be competing with a dead man. For example, on that same story, now that we're talking about pettiness and being mature, there was this instance of Akote when she got married to the last Mzungu guy and they went to visit the kids. And the husband at the time was there with her, you know, and they went to visit one of the baby daddies. And we saw a video that the two baby daddy, oh, the husband and the baby daddy were together. And I heard some men saying, would you be in such a situation if you were the husband at the time? Let me tell you, you see, and also for women, this now something we have similar between us men and you women. There's a point it gets, first of all, when you break up maybe, you become bitter, then you heal, then you become okay. Then when you see me with another person, you are ribbon much happier. You get, I don't know if you guys have come across that. But say, if you see me with a baby daddy with another woman, you'll be like, thank God, at least yes, at least I'm not in the picture. There's no way I'm appearing. Ha kuna mambo mingi sasa. Atlema temal kwa nashinda nani pigiya, pigiya sana, sana. There's some joy that comes in when you see your person or your previous person has moved on and it comes in time. Well, of course, and that's what I'm saying, it's all about maturity because the biggest consumer of all your behaviors is your kids. Your kids are the ones who are consuming the most content that you're doing. And you know, a child's brain is not good. You see the way we make ugali, the more you start it, the more you end up in a farm. But at the first process, you can be able to introduce new content like there are people who cook ugali with butter, with all those things. At that point where you're starting, that's when you can be able to introduce. But when you start molding it becomes difficult. And that's the same way for a kid. If you show the kid that in this world you can have somebody, you love them, you break up, then still be in good terms, kama tulia chana chawzuri, it is possible. And advocate for that actually. And advocate for co-parents to collaborate actually with the other parents. And I'll tell you why as we wrap up. There are these social events that happen in kids. Birthday, circumcision. Especially maybe on circumcision. And on circumcision we find there are some cultures that require the dad to be there. Please if you have a baby daddy, don't limit him to such events only because you are married. He has been there co-parenting, he has been doing everything. So in case to such a point whereby, hey, I need this kid to go get circumcised. Let your current and your baby daddy sit down have an agreement. We have a kid, I have accepted him as mine. I have been raising him for the last 10 years. You for yourself, you are the father and you have also been providing for him for the last 10 years. What should we do? Should you allow me to take him for circumcision or will you be the one who will take him? Let parents be given chance to co-parent easily even if the other partner has somebody in him. That's what I would say. As I wind up also, let me ask Kondanya this question. For example, you have a baby daddy who has gotten married. And now you want to communicate to your baby daddy about your child. But the other wife has decided that you will not talk to your baby daddy again. Uta kunongia direct na epesiki tumua ina tumua. Direct kutuka kwa baby mama wo uta yoongia nabuana. Jule de mama sema zi. Would you accept to talk to their wife instead of your baby daddy? I wouldn't mind talking to their wife but that is a very bitter woman. You know whether you like it or not. We will not say that you have a baby. We will not say that you have a mother. We feel like this whole situation of baby mama and baby daddy, the moment someone has given you a child, you have this person's child. This person is a connection that you can't even explain. You will still love them unless now you have those two dramas. It's love because I give birth to your child. Respect me mama. For each to work, we just agree. Yes, we have a child. We still love each other maybe, maybe not. But let's do it. Let me love you from a distance. I will not refuse you to come and see your child. But if you get married and your wife says nini nini, as long as you're providing and you spend time with your child, But better let me ask you this here. On this scenario, and I don't want to know men to tell us, but say I'm a baby daddy to you, then you get married to somebody else and you have your well-off family that is doing good and all that and everything. Am I still required to provide financially back to my kid? For your child, yes. Now the conflict comes in ego. That other man starts feeling like kweni huyu babae, huyu anadani sinapesa. There's a lot of quarrel when it comes to you have moved on, you already have a new guy, you guys are doing good, you're in your fifth year, you're doing perfect, you have other kids actually. Now this is a family of like four, three kids and this now other kids. Now, me as a man, I'm sending in money, but that's where the problem really comes in. The ego games and the right games. From the other end, he's like, huyu kweni anadani mimi sinapesa. And from my end, I'm like, huyu kweni anadani, nona hua toto anaba yuave tuza Christmas, jaskia kia kia ungele wa toto ake. So me I'll go buy my kid. And number two being, if I'm going to visit my kid and you have already your family that is set up, am I required to come with gifts worth all those kids or should I only concentrate on my kid? Also I feel like I don't see why if let's say I was your baby mama and I've moved on, I have a man and all that. If you're coming to visit your child, I feel like they should hang out with you in your own space. Because now this is my space and we have the head of the house in this house. So this is my space and our child lives in this house. So I feel like you should interact with your child in your own space and I should interact with my child in my own space. If there are these social activities also I feel like we should hold them in neutral places unless it is really necessary to hold it at home and you are comfortable as the father of this child then we can hold it in a neutral place. That's the thinking for me. Nafil tu ma pensina emotions, emotions na emotions whether jealousy, whether ego, reason of it to worry about co-parenting but also like you said, it narrows down to why did it lead to co-parenting. Because it's a child's stand, it's a child's life, it's a child's need. If somebody just wants a kid because like let me tell you, I know of a guy who has a baby mama and the baby mama also has several kids but not from the same guy. Luckily or unluckily, she lives by herself. So umse, I can tell you that it's a big fast. Hidkari, things specifically for his kid. Pase food, best food, best toys, love of life, suicide is confirmed to be number 4 while you are at number 3 and number 4 pekiaki. Then when he starts questioning the guy is like, this is my kid, this son of my kid. As a matter of fact, if he wants to have a birthday, it costs him around maybe 300-400 or even 500. Then the rest of the kids, now the siblings, they are like, what about your birthday, what about your devil. So the mum is like, please, as much as you are coming to see your kid, narrows down to how you treat him because the rest are not feeling good, then he's like, you don't care about the rest? You see now, that is why it's good to interact with your child in your own space so that now you do not bring confusion to these other children. But remember again, baby, if this kid comes to my space, he'll go back with all those things, not that I'm here, he'll go back with those things. Sasa, lakini sasa, kama kwa na pese, kutit muntutua kote na usim, it's a tricky... because now these two others are not your responsibility. But then again, kids don't reason like that. They don't. How are you supposed to tone down because you have your baby mama has other kids, in how you treat your child? What do you guys think? They should at least tell us, palitini, how, at what extent my baby mama has a kid, at what extent should I not go? Juna skia Christmas, me want my kid. I take my kid, we go with him to SA, to Bali, you know, they come back, so kids cannot reason it together. So at what extent, should this co-parenting... Alright guys, please help us solve that dilemma down on the comments section. Tell us, what has your co-parenting, what style has worked for you? Is it because you have a reasonable, ex-partner, what is it? Twambia paliwa kwa comments section, piya labda, but as idea, twambia paliwa kwa.