 Chapter 15 of the Life of St. Teresa. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus. Translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 15. She continues the same subject and gives some advice how persons are to act in the prayer of quiet, etc. Let us now return to our subject. This quiet and recollection of the soul are easily perceived by the peace and satisfaction they produce, together with a very great pleasure and calm, as well as the sweetest delight in the soul. And now it seems to her, as she has not arrived any further, that already there is nothing for her to desire, and that she may willingly exclaim with St. Peter, Lord, it is good for us to be here. She dare not stir, nor move, lest the good should depart from her. Sometimes she would even desire not to draw her breath. The poor soul understands not, that as by herself she is unable to do anything towards bringing this good to her. So she has less power to keep it any longer than our Lord is pleased. I have already mentioned how in this quiet and recollection, the powers of the soul are not wanting, but she is so fully satisfied with God, that though while the prayer lasts, the memory and the understanding are not exempt from distractions, yet as the will remains united with God, the soul does not lose her quiet and calm, but rather, by little and little she recalls the other two powers, so as to make them recollected. And though the will be not wholly engulfed in God, yet she is so occupied, without knowing how, that however diligent these two may be, they cannot deprive her of her contentment and joy, but rather, she goes on helping herself without any trouble, in order that this little spark of God's love may not be extinguished in her. I beseech His Majesty to grant me grace, that I may make this point well understood, for there are many souls who arrive at this degree of prayer, and few who go beyond it. And I know not who is in fault, but of this I am sure, there is none on the part of God. For since His Majesty does a soul the favor of bringing her to this degree, I cannot believe he would cease to bestow many more favors upon her, were it not through some faults of her own. It is very necessary for the soul who has arrived so far, to understand the great dignity she possesses, and the great favor our Lord has bestowed upon her. And what powerful reasons she now has no longer to belong to this earth, because it seems that his goodness has already made her an inhabitant of heaven, if she lose it not through her own faults. Wretched will she be if she turned back, for I believe she would descend very low, just as I was doing, if the mercy of our Lord had not brought me back again, because for the most part such a misery is, in my opinion, to be attributed to grievous faults. Nor is it possible to fall from so great a good, without great blindness to such an evil. I therefore beseech those souls for the love of our Lord, on whom His Majesty has bestowed such favors as to enable them to attain this state, to know themselves, to estimate such a favor as it deserves, and to resolve, with humility and holy presumption, not to return to the flesh-pots of Egypt. But if, through their weakness and wickedness, and their miserable and corrupt nature, they should fall again, as I did, let them always be representing to themselves the good they have lost, let them suspect themselves and walk with fear, for they have reason to do so. If they return not to prayer, they will go on from bad to worse. For this I call a real fall, when a soul abhors that very means by which she purchased so great a good, and it is to such souls I am speaking now. I say not that they will never offend God, or fall into sin, though it is but reasonable that those souls who have begun to receive these favors should guard against falling as much as possible. But we are miserable creatures, and what I earnestly advise is not to omit prayer, for thereby we shall know what we are doing, and we shall obtain true sorrow for having offended our Lord, and strengthen to rise again when we have fallen. Let us be convinced that if the soul neglects prayer, she exposes herself, in my opinion, to great danger. I know not if I understand what I am saying, because I judge of others by myself. This kind of prayer, then, is a spark of God's true love, which our Lord begins to incendal in the soul, and his desire is that she should understand what is the nature of this love, and what kind of delight it brings with it. This quiet, and recollection, and little spark, if it comes from the Spirit of God, and be not a pleasure either given by the devil or procured by ourselves, however small it may be, makes a great noise. And if the soul do not extinguish it by her own fault, this it is which begins to incendal a large fire, which, as I shall mention in the proper place, sends forth from itself flames of the most burning love of God, which his majesty is pleased perfect souls should enjoy, though he who has experience cannot but immediately understand that it is a thing which cannot be acquired, but that as our nature is so desirous of pleasure, we wish to taste of everything. If, however, this quiet and recollection comes from the devil, we soon grow very cold again, and however much we may desire to make the fire burn in order to obtain this pleasure. It seems that we need only cast water on it to quench it. This spark is a sign or pledge which God gives to that soul to show her how he chooses her for great things, if she will only make herself fit to receive them. This is an invaluable gift much greater than I am able to express. Deeply am I grieved because, as I was saying, I know many souls who have arrived so far and yet so very few have passed further on, as they ought to do, that I am ashamed to acknowledge it. There may, however, be many, for God supports us for some purpose, but I only speak of those I have seen. I would earnestly advise such not to hide their talent, for it seems God chooses them that they may do good to many other souls, and especially in these times when it is so necessary for His Majesty to have staunch and resolute friends to support the weak, and let all who find they have received this favor esteem themselves strong if they know how to correspond with the Lord, which even in this world a sincere friendship requires, and if not, let them fear lest they do themselves some harm, and God grant that the evil may come upon no one but themselves. In this prayer of quiet, the soul has nothing more to do than to remain enjoying her sweetness without making any noise. I call it noise if the understanding go about seeking many words and considerations, to give thanks for this benefit, and be collecting together her sins and imperfections in order to discover she does not deserve this favor. All is in motion now. The understanding represents many things to us, and the memory is busy, and truly these powers of the soul give me at times some trouble, and as I have a weak memory too, I cannot control them. At this time then, the will should remain in repose, and wisely acknowledge that this is not the way to treat with God, and it is like throwing great logs of wood without discretion on a small spark in order to extinguish it. Let her therefore acknowledge with humility and say, Oh Lord, what can I do here? What has this slave to do with the Lord of heaven and earth? Or she may use some other loving words such as present themselves, being firmly convinced, however, that what she says be the truth. As regards the understanding, let the soul consider it in no other light than that of a miller as it were. And if she be desirous of giving it a part of what she enjoys, or shall labor to make it recollected, she will not gain her object. For often we see that in this union and repose of the will, the understanding is still much out of order, and if the will cannot arrest it, it is much better to let it alone, rather than go after it. Let it remain in the enjoyment of this favor, shut up in itself, like a wise bee, for if none of the bees should go into the hive, but be all wandering about, very little honey would be made. A soul will lose much if she pay not attention to this point, especially if the understanding be subtle, for when once she begins to arrange her discourses and to seek for reasons, she will think she has done something great, particularly if the discourses be eloquent. But the discourse which should be used in this prayer must be. Clearly to see and acknowledge that there is no other reason why God should confer so great a favor on us than his own goodness, to consider that we are very near him, to beg favors from his majesty, to pray for the church, for those who have recommended themselves to our prayers, and for the souls in purgatory, and this should be done, not by the noise of words, but by feeling desire to be heard. The prayer of quiet comprehends a great deal, and more is obtained thereby than by many discourses of the understanding. Let the will then excite within herself some reasons, which will easily present themselves to her when she finds herself so much improved, capable of inflaming this love, and let her make certain acts of love with respect to what she would gladly do for one to whom she owes so much, without allowing, as I have mentioned, the understanding to make any noise, under the pretext of seeking for high and lofty thoughts. But a few little straws, even something less than straws, if it be possible, presented with humility, will be much more to the purpose, and will be of greater help in encendling the fire of divine love than great logs of wood, I mean, than learned discourses, which, however beautiful they appear to us, might extinguish the fire in a few minutes. These may be good for learned men who command me to write this book, because, by the mercy of God, all of them may attain this degree of prayer, and perhaps they might spend the time in considering some passages from Scripture. But though their learning could not fail of being useful to them, both before and after prayer, yet during the time it continues there is, in my opinion, little necessity for their learning, unless they wish to cool the fervor of the will. The reason is, because the understanding, then seeing itself so near to light itself, is so much enlightened, that even I, though so miserable a creature, seem to be another person, and thus it has happened to me, when in the prayer of quiet, though I understand hardly anything of what is said in Latin, and especially in the Psalter, yet I not only understand the verse in Spanish, but I pass further on, and delight myself in considering the meaning of the Spanish. I make an exception with regard to those who have to preach or to teach, for then it will be proper to make use of their learning, in assisting poor, ignorant persons like myself, for charity is a great virtue, and so it is to help souls forward, provided it be always done for God. At the time when the soul is in possession of this quiet, let her rest with her true repose, and let learning be put aside. For the time will come when it will be of service, and will be so highly esteemed, that on no account would men have neglected knowledge. Were it only for the opportunity it gives them of serving His Majesty, since for this object it is very useful. But believe me, that a little attention to acquire humility and an act of this virtue are worth more before His infinite wisdom than all the learning in the world. Here we have no need of reasoning, but only to know with sincerity what we are, and to represent ourselves with simplicity before God, who desires that the soul should make herself as dull and ignorant as she is in reality in His sight, since His Majesty humbles Himself so far as to allow her so be near His own person, though we are such miserable creatures. The understanding is likewise moved to return thanks in words very well arranged, but the will, in the enjoyment of her calm and not presuming, like the publican, to lift up her eyes to heaven, makes a better thanksgiving than perhaps the understanding would be able to do by using all the powers of rhetoric. We should not, however, in this case entirely omit the use of mental prayer, nor even a vocal prayer, if we should sometimes wish to practice it, or should find ourselves able to do so, because if the quiet be great, we can hardly help speaking without considerable pain. In my opinion, we can know when this comes from the Spirit of God, or when we procure it ourselves at the commencement of that devotion which God gives us, but when we wish, as I have said, to procure by ourselves this quiet of the will, no good effect is then produced, it ends quickly and leaves nothing but dryness behind. If it should come from the devil, a soul exercise in prayer will, I think, soon discover it, for it leaves a certain restlessness and confers little humility, and makes this but ill-prepared for receiving those effects which the Spirit of God produces. It leaves no light in the understanding, nor firmness in speaking the truth. But this will do little or no hurt to the soul, if she direct to God the sweetness and delight she then feels, and if she also place all her thoughts and desires in him, as I have already advised, the devil can gain nothing. Yay, God will so dispose matters, that he will lose much even by that very delight he causes in the soul, for this very delight will help that soul, which thinks it comes from God, often to have recourse to prayer, with a desire of receiving more and more delight. But if the soul be humble and not curious, nor desirous of delights, even though they be spiritual, but be a lover of the cross, she will make little account of any pleasure the devil may cause in her. This, however, she cannot do if it comes from the Spirit of God, for then she will esteem it very highly. When the devil, who is lying and deceit itself, attempts such a thing, if he sees a soul humble herself by means of this delight and pleasure which she receives, and indeed we ought to take great care to humble ourselves in all things relating to prayer and having delights, he will not often return and tempt us, when he perceives he loses, rather than gains thereby. For this and many other reasons I mentioned in the first degree of prayer, which answers to the first method of drawing water, how very important it is when the soul enters first upon prayer, to begin to disengage herself from all kind of pleasure, and to be determined only to help our Lord to carry his cross, like brave knights who are resolved to serve their king gratis, since they are already sure he will reward them, and so we must turn our eyes to that true and everlasting kingdom which we are endeavoring to possess. It is very necessary to have these considerations always before our eyes, especially in the beginning, for afterwards we become quite convinced that instead of endeavoring to remember how quickly everything ends, that all pleasures are nothing, and that worldly rest is not to be esteemed or desired, we rather find it necessary to forget such thoughts in order to live. This seems a very unworthy consideration, and so it is, for they who are more advanced would take it for an affront, and would even blush at themselves if they thought they had forsaken the pleasures of this life because they were one day to have an end, for were they to last even forever, yet these souls would rejoice to leave them for God's sake. The more perfect they are, the more they would rejoice. Yay, the longer these pleasures last, the more would they rejoice in leaving them. The love of God, which is great in these souls, operates these effects. But for those who are commencing, this point is very important, and they must not consider of little value, to leave all pleasures for God, for the benefits which are gained by this means are very great, and therefore do I insist upon this matter so much. For those even who are most experienced in prayer, it is necessary to attend to this point, for there are times in which God wishes to try them, nay, when he seems even to have forsaken them. For, as I have said before, and I do not wish to have my words forgotten, in the life that we live, the soul does not increase as the body does, though we say she does, and it is true to a certain extent, for after a child has grown and become a man, he does not again grow less, nor has he a little body. But with regard to the soul, our Lord wishes it to be otherwise, according to what I have seen in myself, though I know nothing with regard to others. This ought to humble us for greater good, and in order that we may not grow negligent while we live in this exile, for he who stands the highest ought to fear the most, and trust himself the least. There are times when even those whose will is so united with the divine will that they would rather suffer all kinds of torments and a thousand deaths, than commit the least in perfection, are so violently attacked by temptations and persecutions, that in order to avoid committing sin and to keep themselves from offending God, it is necessary for them to make use of the first arms of prayer, and to consider again and again how all things come to an end, that there is a heaven and a hell, and so on with regard to other points of the like nature. But to return to what I was saying, in order to free oneself from the deceits of the devil, and from those false pleasures he makes us feel in prayer, it is very necessary to commence with a resolution not to desire these pleasures, but to walk in the way of the cross, since our Savior himself has shown us the road which leads to perfection in these words, take up your cross and follow me. He is our pattern, and whoever follows his advice, merely with a view to please him, need not fear anything. And by the prophet which they see they have gained in themselves, they will easily discover the devil does not delude them, and though they should relapse, yet one proof will remain that our Lord has been there, these, that they will quickly rise again, and this is what I shall now declare. When it comes from the Spirit of God, there will be no necessity to go in search of reasons for acquiring humility and confusion, because our Lord Himself gives them in a manner very different from what we ourselves can procure by our mean considerations, all of which are nothing in comparison with that true humility, and with that light which our Lord here gives us, and these produce in us such a deep confusion that they annihilate us. The knowledge which God gives us that we may understand we have no good of ourselves is very easily perceived, and this the more the greater the favors are. It also excites a great desire of advancing in prayer and of not omitting this duty on account of any trouble which may happen to us. It produces a confidence that we shall be saved, united however with fear and humility. It immediately drives away all servile fear from the soul and puts in its place a filial fear which is much stronger. She now sees that she begins to have a love for God which is far from being interested, and she desires opportunities for solitude that so she may the better enjoy that good. In a word, not to weary myself too much, this is the beginning of all good things, a state in which the flowers are almost on the point of blossoming, and this the soul sees very clearly. Then she cannot but believe that God is with her, till she sees herself guilty of faults and imperfections. Then she fears everything, and it is proper she should, though there are souls to whom it is more useful to believe for certain that God is with them, than to have all the fears in the world, because if the soul of herself be loving and grateful, the remembrance of the favor which God conferred upon her is more efficacious in turning her to God than the representations of all the torments of hell. At least, this happened to myself, though so wicked. As for the signs of a good spirit, I will speak of them more in detail hereafter. Now I cannot do so, for it cost me a great deal of trouble to have them drawn out in a clear, legible form. But I hope that, by the divine grace, I will be able to say something to the purpose. For, besides the experience whereby I have come to understand many things, I have learned something from some very learned men, and from very holy persons, to whom it is proper to give credit. Let not other souls then be so afflicted as I was, when they shall have arrived through the goodness of our Lord at this state. End of Chapter 15 Chapter 16 of the Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 16 The Saint Speaks on the Third Degree of Prayer Now I wish to speak of the third water where this garden is watered. For this is a running water of a river or spring, and it waters with much less labor the garden, though the distribution thereof causes some trouble. But our Lord will so help the gardener, that in some degree he will almost be the gardener himself, and will do everything. It is a repose of all the powers, which, however, are not entirely lost, nor yet do they know how they work. The pleasure, sweetness, and delight are greater beyond comparison than in the former state. And the soul is so engulfed in the water of grace that she cannot go forward, nor does she know how, nor is she willing to return back, because of the excess of glory she enjoys. It is as if a person were on the point of dying the death he desires, with a blessed candle in his hands. For in this agony the pleasure he enjoys is more than can be expressed. And this seems to me to be nothing more than to die almost entirely to everything in the world, that so we may enjoy God alone. I know of no other words wherewith to express this delight or to declare it, nor does the soul know at that time what to do, whether she should speak or be silent, laugh or weep. It is a glorious kind of frenzy, a celestial folly, whereby true wisdom is learned, and the soul cannot have a more delightful means of regaling herself. I think it is about five or six years ago that our Lord gave me this kind of prayer often and abundantly, and then I neither understood nor could I express it. I had therefore resolved, when I came to treat on this degree, to say little or nothing. I saw very clearly, however, that it was not an entire union of all the powers of the soul, but still that it was more than could be found in the former degrees, yet I must acknowledge I could not determine, nor did I know in what this difference consisted. But I believe that on account of the humility which your reverence has shown, in wishing to be assisted by such great simplicity as mine, our Lord gave me today after communicating this prayer, yet without my being able to go forward. And he put these comparisons into my head, and taught me how to express them, and what the soul is to do in this case, and truly I was amazed there at, for I understood the whole subject in a moment. Many times I was, as it were, out of myself, being inebriated with this love, and yet I could never understand how it was. I knew well, however, it was from God, but I could not comprehend how He worked therein. For in reality, the powers of the mind are almost entirely united, but not so engulfed, but they still work. I have been extremely pleased at having now understood this prayer. May our Lord be blessed for having thus favored me. These powers are then only capable of occupying themselves entirely on God, and it appears that none of them daring to move. We could not turn away from this object without using great violence to them, and I know not whether with all our efforts we could even do so. Many words are then spoken in praise of God, without any order, unless our Lord Himself should arrange them, for here the understanding is of no use whatever. The soul would faint break forth into praises, but she cannot contain herself, and her condition is a pleasing kind of restlessness. Then the flowers begin to open into senthy air. Then the soul would be glad if all the world could see and understand her glory, so as to praise God. And if everyone could assist her therein, that so she might give them part of her joy, not being able to enjoy so much herself. She seems to me to be like the person mentioned in the Gospel who called her neighbors, or as if she felt the admirable spirit of the royal prophet David when he played on his harp and sung the praises of God. I am very much devoted to this glorious king, and I wish that all men were so, especially we who are sinners. Oh my God, in what state is the soul when she finds herself raised to this degree of prayer? She would wish to be changed into so many tongues in order to praise you, O Lord. She utters a thousand holy extravagances, always endeavoring to please you who hold her in this state. I know a certain person who, though she was no poetess, made very feeling verses ex tempore, declaring the sweet pain she suffered, and these were not composed by her understanding, but the better to enjoy that glory which gave her so delightful a pain she complained thereof to her God, and she wished both her whole body and soul could be torn into pieces to show the joy she feels in this pain. What torments could then be placed before her which she would not gladly endure for the love of her Lord? She sees clearly that the martyrs did almost nothing in suffering torments, for the soul knows then that her strength comes from some other source than from herself. But what will she feel when she comes to herself again and is obliged to devise the means of living in the world and is mixed up again with its cares and occupations? I think I have not at all exaggerated anything respecting the joy which our Lord has pleased a soul should experience in this place of banishment. For all that I have said is very mean in comparison with the reality. Blessed be Thou, O Lord, forever. May all creatures praise thee forever. Be now pleased, O my King, and I humbly beseech thee, that since even now, while I am writing, I am not out of this holy and celestial frenzy, which through thy goodness and mercy thou grantest to me as a favor without any merit of mine. Either all those with whom I converse may become fools for your love, or permit me no more to converse with any person, or so order, O Lord, that I may have nothing more to do with the things of this world, or take me quite away from it. O my God, this thy servant can no longer endure so many afflictions which she sees come upon her when she has thee not. If she must live, she desires to have no ease in this life, and indeed, thou dost not give her any. She desires to be free from the body. Eating is insupportable to her, and sleep afflicts her. She sees that her whole life is past in satisfying the body, and that now no one but thee can truly delight her. She seems to live against nature itself, since she desires no longer to live in herself but in thee. O my true Lord and my glory, how light and yet how very heavy is the cross which thou hast prepared for those who have arrived at this degree. It is light because it is sweet, and it is heavy because at certain times no patience in the world can endure it, and yet the soul would never desire to be free from it, unless it were that she might find herself with thee. And when she remembers that she has not served thee in anything, but that by living she may then be able to serve thee, she would gladly endure a burden much more heavy, and would be content not to die until the end of the world. She cares not for any rest or repose, provided she can do thee any little service. She knows not what to desire, though she knows well that she desires nothing but thee. O my son, for you to whom this life is directed and who have commanded me to write it, are so humble that you wish to be called by this name. Let these things be known only to yourself, when you see that I do not keep within bounds, for no reason is able to restrain me when our Lord takes me out of myself. I do not believe it is I who am thus speaking, ever since I communicated this morning. It seems that I dream of what I see, and that I would be glad to see only those who are sick of this same malady which I now have myself. I beseech your reverence to pray that we may all become fools for the love of him, who was pleased to be called a fool for us. And since your reverence tells me that you have a regard for me, I wish you may show it by disposing yourself for receiving this favor from our Lord, for I see very few persons who do not take excessive pains for the accomplishment of their desires. But perhaps I may be in greater error than everyone else. Do not, however, allow this, my Father, for you are both a Father and a Son, because you are my confessor to whom I have entrusted my soul. Undeceive me by telling me the truth, though these truths are but seldom told. I should be very glad that as in these days men meet together in secret to conspire against the Divine Majesty and to propagate their wickedness and heresies. So we five, who at present love each other in Christ, should also endeavor sometimes to meet together for the purpose of undeceiving each other for conferring on the means of reforming ourselves and of giving God the greatest pleasure. For no one knows himself so well as they know who sees us, provided they truly love us and are anxious for our advancement. I mention this in secret because no such language is used in the world. Even preachers so arrange their sermons as not to give any offense. Their intention is good, but we see what the effects are for few amend their lives. How is it that many still give scandal by their public vices in spite of these sermons? The reason is, I think, because preachers have too much prudence and too little of that fire of Divine love which the apostles had and so it sends out but little heat. I do not say it should be so great as theirs was, but I wish it were greater than what I see now. Does your reference know in what it ought principally to consist? In abhorring this life and despising honors and that, rather than fail in speaking the truth and maintaining it for the glory of God, we should be more ready to lose all than to gain all. And he who is willing to hazard all things for God will be as content with the one as with the other. I say not that I am such a person, but I earnestly wish I were. Oh, glorious liberty to esteem as a captivity the being obliged to live and converse according to the laws of this world. And when this favor is obtained from our Lord, there is no slave who would not venture everything that so he might redeem himself and return to his own country. And since this is the true way, we should not loiter on the road, for we shall never be able to obtain so great a treasure until we die and may our Lord grant us His grace for this purpose. Your reverence may tear in pieces what I have written if you think proper, and pardon me, for I have been too bold. End of Chapter 16 Chapter 17 of The Life of St. Teresa This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Anne Boulet. The Life of St. Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton. Chapter 17 She continues the same subject on the third degree of prayer, etc. I have already spoken at considerable length of this third degree of prayer and of what the soul should do therein, or rather what God operates in her. For now he himself takes the office of Gardner and wishes the soul to take her rest, provided only that the will accept these favors which she enjoys and offers to submit herself to all that this true wisdom may be pleased to effect in her. For this purpose, courage is certainly necessary. And so great is this joy that sometimes it seems the soul is just on the point of leaving the body and what a happy death that would be. It appears to me, as I have before mentioned to your reverence, that it would be well for the soul to abandon herself entirely into the hands of God. If he should wish to take her to heaven, let her go. If to hell, let her not be troubled for she will accompany him who is all her happiness. If he wish her to leave this life immediately, let her consent there too. If to live a thousand years, let her be willing. Let his majesty dispose of her as of something which belongs to him. For the soul is no longer her own, but she belongs wholly to our Lord, and therefore she must be entirely free from care. I say then that in so high a degree of prayer as this is, she understands that she performs it without any weariness to the understanding. For when God gives this prayer to a soul, she is able to do all this, and much more. For such are its effects. She is, it seems, as it were amazed at seeing how our Lord performs the office of so good a gardener, and how he wishes her to take no pains or trouble, but only that she would delight herself by beginning to smell the flowers. When the gardener waters the soul with this water, of which he is the creator, though it may last only for a short time, yet he gives it in such abundance that what the poor soul could not obtain by all her efforts in tiring the understanding for twenty years, this heavenly gardener now does all in a moment, and the fruit grows and ripens so well that she is able, through the good pleasure of our Lord, to support herself by the garden. But he does not give the soul leave to distribute the fruit till she has grown so strong by having eaten of it, as not to squander it away in tasting it. Thus, by not valuing the profit she might make by it, nor receiving anything from those to whom she gave it, she might maintain and feed people at her own cost, while she herself would perhaps die of hunger. What I have said will be understood by such persons who well know how to apply it better than I can declare, for I feel tired. The truth is that the virtues which are obtained in this prayer remain so much stronger in the soul than those obtained in the prayer of quiet, that she cannot be ignorant of them. She sees herself quite another person, and she begins, though scarcely knowing how, to do great things by means of the odor the flowers yield of themselves. For now our Lord is pleased that the flowers should open, that so she may know she has virtues. Although she sees very clearly that she was not able during several years to acquire them, nor could she till the heavenly gardener was pleased in an instant to give them to her. The humility also of the soul is greater and more profound in this prayer than in the former, because she sees more clearly that she did nothing herself, but only consented for our Lord to bestow these favors on her, and for the will to embrace them. It seems to me that in this kind of prayer there is a very evident union between the soul and the soul with God, except that it appears His Majesty gives liberty to the powers of the mind to understand and enjoy the abundance of what He works in the soul. Sometimes and even very often it happens that the will being thus united, I mention this that your reverence may see it can be, and that you may understand it when it happens. She knows and understands that she is tied up, and yet she can enjoy. She knows she possesses much quiet and peace, while on the other hand the memory and the understanding are so free that they are able to treat about business and attend to works of charity. Now, though this may seem to be all the same with what I said respecting the prayer of quiet, yet it is different, because there the soul is in such a state that she would feign not stir nor move as she enjoys the holy leisure of Mary. Whereas in the prayer of union, the soul may also imitate Martha. Thus she performs, almost altogether, the duties both of the active and the contemplative life. And she is able to attend to works of charity, and to other business connected with her state. She can also read, though still the faculties are not entirely masters of themselves, and she understands well that the greater part of her attention is occupied elsewhere. It is just as if we were speaking with someone, and that at the same time some other person were speaking with us, in such a manner that neither to the one nor to the other were we entirely attentive. It is something which is perceived very clearly, and gives great satisfaction and content whenever it happens. It serves also as a very excellent preparation in order that when the soul is in solitude and free from business she may enjoy perfect quiet and repose. It is a state of being, as if a person were so satisfied in himself that he would have no necessity at all to eat, but felt his stomach content in such a manner that he would not taste of every kind of food. And yet, if he saw any food which he liked, he would not forbear to eat it. Thus the soul does not satisfy herself, nor is she content to feed on the meat of this world, because she finds in herself that which satisfies her, these, the greater pleasure she feels in God, and the desires she has of satisfying her wish, of enjoying his presence more and more. There is also another kind of union, which is not so entire, though it be greater than that of which I was speaking before, but not altogether so great as that of this third water. Your reverence will be very glad to find it written thus, should our Lord bestow them all upon you if you have them not already and to understand what it is. It is one kind of favor for our Lord to bestow the same favor and another to understand what grace and favor that is, and another also to be able to declare it and make it understood. And though it may seem that the first of these three is only necessary for keeping the soul from being confused and fearful, and for enabling her to go forward with more courage in the way of our Lord, treading under her feet all things of this world, yet it is a great advantage and favor to understand it. It is proper therefore that both he who has it and he who has it not should greatly praise our Lord for it because His Majesty has been pleased to give it to some who are alive in order that he might do us good. Now, I often have this kind of union whereof I am speaking and Almighty God is very often pleased to bestow this favor upon me in such a manner as my will and also my understanding recollected, and then it no longer discourses but is occupied in the enjoyment of God as one who is looking on and who sees so much that he knows not which way to look for one thing instantly appears which takes away the sight of the other and so nothing makes any impression. The memory remains free and so does the imagination seem to do also and when it sees itself alone, one cannot conceive what a war it makes upon the will and the understanding and how it endeavors to put everything in confusion. It makes me quite tired so that I abhor it and I have often besought our Lord to deprive me entirely of it on these occasions if it should continue thus to distract me. Sometimes I say, When, O Lord, shall all the powers of my soul be wholly united in singing Thy praises and not be any more divided without being able to help herself. Here I see the evils which sin has brought upon us, since it hinders us from doing what we wish, which is to be always occupied with God. I mention how this happens to me sometimes and even this very day I have had this union and therefore I remember it the better. My soul has almost exhausted herself in desiring to be wholly there where she finds herself for the most part to be already and yet this appears to be impossible because both the memory and the imagination makes such war upon her that they allow her not to work. And though they are not able to hurt her because the other faculties are wanting yet they do enough by the disquiet they cause. Still I say they do no harm because they have no strength nor do they fix themselves in one state and as the understanding does not help the imagination in that which it represents neither much nor little it cannot fix on anything but goes from one thing to another just like those important and unquiet little gnats which buzz about by night here and there. This comparison seems to me to be extremely proper for though these faculties have no strength to do any harm yet they trouble those who feel them. Against this evil I know no remedy for hitherto God has not enabled me to find any out and if he had I should have been glad to use it for it torments me very often as I have said. But herein our misery is made apparent and the power of God is also very evident since this faculty which is disengaged puts us to so much trouble and tires us while the others which attend his majesty make us feel so much ease. The sole remedy which I met with after having wearied myself for many years is that of which I spoke in the prayer of quiet, these to consider the memory no better than a madman and to leave it alone with its folly for God only can check its extravagancies and since it remains as a slave to us we must bear with it patiently just as Jacob did with Leah for God bestows a favor upon us in allowing us to enjoy Rachel. I say that it remains a slave because it cannot attract to itself the other powers however much it may endeavor to do so while they without any labor often draw it to themselves. Sometimes our Lord is pleased to have pity when he sees the imagination so much disquieted and lost through her desire of being with the other faculties then his majesty consents that she should burn in that divine fire which has already consumed the others in such a manner as almost to change their nature so as to make them capable of enjoying such supernatural great blessings. The joy and glory which the soul enjoys in the different ways whereby she draws water from this divine fountain are so great that even the body very clearly participates in the joy and delight and our virtues also increase greatly as I have mentioned it seems our Lord has been pleased I should explain these degrees of prayer in which the soul sees herself more clearly than can be given her to understand in this life your reverence will do well to consult on the subject with some spiritual and learned person who has arrived at this degree of prayer and if he shall tell you that you are going on well believe that God has said so to you and consider it a great favor from his majesty because you will in the course of time rejoice very much as I have said to understand what it is though now while you have the means to enjoy it it gives you not the grace to understand it but as his majesty has given you the first part you will afterwards understand the rest by your knowledge and learning may he be praised forever and ever Amen End of Chapter 17 Chapter 18 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Ann Boulet The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 18 The Saint Speaks of the Fourth Degree of Prayer May our Lord teach me some words whereby I may be able to say something on the fourth method of drawing water I have great need of his assistance even more than I had when speaking of the last degree for there the soul finds that she is not entirely dead to the world and we may say so with truth because she is still in the world but as I have said she has sufficient understanding to know she is in it and to feel her solitude and she makes use of exterior science to make what she feels understood in all the preceding kinds of prayer which I have described the gardener labors a little though yet in this latter kind of prayer his labors accompanied with so much joy and consolation to the soul that he would be glad were it never to end and thus he finds no trouble at all but rather a subject of glory in this fourth degree there is no suffering but only enjoying though yet without understanding what is enjoyed he knows however that a certain good is possessed in which all blessings are comprised but this good is not comprehended by him all the senses are occupied with this joy in such a manner that they cannot apply themselves to anything else either interiorly or exteriorly before as I have mentioned a certain liberty was given to them in order that they might show some signs of the great joy they felt but here the soul enjoys much more beyond comparison and can make herself understood much less because both the body and the soul are incapable of communicating that joy everything would then be an embarrassment torment and an obstacle to the repose of the soul I say that if there should be a union of all the powers she cannot even if she wished communicate the joy she feels and if she could there would not be a union how what is called union happens and what it is I am not able to explain in mystical theology of the terms of which I am ignorant neither do I know what is meant by the mind nor the difference between mind and soul nor what is a spirit all these seem to be one and the same thing to me though sometimes the soul herself springs out like a fire which is burning and has burned into a flame and sometimes this fire increases with a certain impestuousity and the flame rises much higher than the fire but not withstanding this it is not anything different from the fire but it is the flame itself which is in the fire your reverence will understand this subject by your learning I know not how to explain it better I wish to mention what the soul feels when she is in this divine union everyone knows what is meant by a union when two things which before were separated art thou, blessed be thou forever may all creatures praise thee, oh my god who hast loved us in such a manner that we are able to speak with truth respecting this communication which thou holdest with souls even in this land of exile and however good they may be still your liberality and magnificence are great in treating with them in fine, oh my lord it is thine own greatness which gives these favors to those who are considering who thou art oh infinite bounty how magnificent are thy works do they not amaze those who have not their understanding so occupied with the things of this world as to allow them time to hear and understand the truth why should itst thou bestow such supernatural favors on souls who have so often offended thee this consideration does certainly surpass my understanding and the more I consider it I will go on further where can one go without being obliged to return back since I know not how to return you thanks for such immense favors I help myself sometimes by speaking foolish things and it often happens both after I have received these favors and when our lord is beginning to bestow them I have already mentioned how at the very time I am enjoying them I have no power to do anything what thou art doing do not forget so quickly my very grievous sins and though thou hast forgotten them so far as to pardon them yet remember them I beseech thee so as to put some limit to thy favors do not place so precious a liquor in so broken a vessel oh my creator since thou hast already seen how often I have spilt it commit not such a precious treasure has not yet been totally extinguished as it ought to be if thou shouldest commit it it will be utterly lost how canst thou commit the strength of this city and the keys of the fortress to a cowardly commander who on the first attack of the enemy is sure to let them enter oh my eternal king let not thy love of me be so great as that it should make thee expose such precious jewels as these to danger it seems to me oh my lord that thou mayest give the world occasion hereby to undervalue these great favors of thine since thou dost place them in the hands of a creature so base, so weak, so miserable and of such little worth as I am and though now I begin to labor that I may not lose them through thy assistance and I have need of no little considering who I am yet I shall not be able by means thereof to gain anyone else to thee in a word I am a woman and not a good one but very wicked it seems that these thy talents are thus not only hidden but even quite buried by being put in so ungrateful a soil thou art not a custom oh lord to impart such favors and dignities to a soul but only with a view that she may profit many others thou knowest oh lord that sometimes I have begged this favor and still beg it of thee with my whole heart and affection and I consider it fit to be content to lose the highest blessing which can be enjoyed upon earth in order that thou mayest be pleased to grant it to some other who will profit more by it to thine own greater glory these and other such matters I have often thought of mentioning but I afterwards saw my ignorance and the little humility I possessed for our lord knows well what is proper for everyone and that my soul would not have had sufficient strength to save herself unless his majesty have bestowed on her so many favors I also wish to declare the graces and effects which remain in the soul by this prayer and what she can do of herself or if she can in any way be instrumental in bringing herself to so high a state this elevation of the spirit or union comes with a celestial love in my opinion this union is different from elevation though yet the soul is elevated in the same union whoever has not experienced this last will be of a different opinion but yet even though they should both be the same our lord works differently therein and by the increase which the soul receives of disengaging herself from all creatures she seems much greater by that elevation I have seen clearly that this is a particular favor although as I have said they may both be the same or at least may seem so but a small fire is as truly a fire as a great one and yet we see there is a difference between one and the other in a small fire it takes a long time before a small piece of iron can be made hot but if the fire be great the iron though it may also be great will soon lose the appearance of iron to me in these two kinds of favors from our lord I know that whoever shall have arrived at these raptures will understand me well but he who has had no experience therein will consider what I say to be foolish and it may be so for how shallow a creature as I am presumed to speak on such a subject and to make that understood which it seems impossible to think of declaring even by words it is not strange then if I speak foolish things but I believe this of our lord for his majesty knows that next to obedience my intention is no other than to make soul's desires of obtaining so high a blessing that he will assist me herein I shall say nothing of which I have not had much experience it is quite true that when I began to write on this last degree I thought it would be more impossible for me to treat about it than to speak greek so very difficult did I find it on this I gave up writing and went to communion oh virtue of obedience which aren't able to do all things may our lord be praised who thus favors the ignorant oh virtue of obedience which aren't able to do all things God enlightened my understanding sometimes furnishing me with the words I was able to use and at other times by representing to me the manner in which I should express myself what his majesty was pleased to do in the former degree of prayer so it seems that here also he wishes to declare what I myself am not able to express nor do I know how what I say is perfectly true so that whatever is good comes from his teaching and what is bad comes from the sea of misery and sin which is myself but if there be any persons and there may be many who have arrived at these degrees of prayer with which our lord has favored me though so miserable a creature and should they wish to speak on these matters with me thinking they may perhaps have wandered out of the true road I trust our lord will so help his servant that she may go forward and declare the truth I now wish to speak of that water which comes from heaven in such abundance as completely and entirely to water this garden if our lord never failed to give this water whenever there was any want of it it is evident what ease the gardener would enjoy there would be no winter but always the weather would be temperate and flowers and fruit would never be wanting then might be seen what delight the gardener would enjoy but as long as we live in this world such a state is impossible we must always take care whenever we are in want of one of the waters to procure the other sometimes this water falls from heaven when the gardener thinks least of it true it is the water comes almost always after a long exercise of mental prayer and by degrees our lord catches this little bird and places it in a nest there to repose and when he has seen it flying for a long time that is the soul endeavouring to seek God and to please him by her understanding her will and all her strength then he is pleased to reward her even in this life and how great is the reward he gives one moment's enjoyment thereof is sufficient to repay all the trials and afflictions we can endure in this life the soul thus going in search of God finds herself almost sinking under a sweet and most excessive delight accompanied with a kind of fainting so that the breath begins to fail and also all corporeal strength not indeed attended with great pain but in such a manner that even the hands cannot be moved the eyes are closed without our having desired to close them and when they are open the soul sees nothing distinctly if she can read she is unable to tell a letter and she knows not how to pronounce it properly she sees indeed there are letters but as the understanding does not help her she knows not how to read though she should desire she hears but understands not what she hears thus she receives no benefit at all from her senses but only that they allow her to take the full enjoyment of her pleasure and accordingly they do her more harm than good as to speaking it is useless to attempt it for she cannot form any words and even if she could she has no strength to pronounce them because all her bodily strength is gone while that of the soul is increased that so she may the better enjoy her glory the exterior delight which she feels is both very great and very evident this prayer however long it may last produces no inconvenience at least I feel none nor do I remember when our Lord bestowed this favor on me however ill I might be that I ever found myself worse I was on the other hand much better but what harm can so great a blessing do its effects are so manifest that one cannot doubt it augments the vigor of the soul since our Lord took away all her bodily strength though attended with such great delight in order to leave her still greater strength it is true that in the beginning this feeling passes away in a short time at least it happens so to me neither can it be known by these exterior signs nor by the absence of our senses since this prayer passes quickly away but still it is easily discerned by the excess of the favors received for the heat of the sun must have been great there since it melted every obstacle this point should in my opinion be noticed these that however long the time may seem to be in which all the powers of the soul are suspended it is in reality short if it should continue for half an hour that would be very long for my part I think I was never so long it is true one can hardly judge how long the time is since the person has no outward sense but it must be a very short time in which some of the powers will not return again to themselves the will is the only power which carries on the work the other two quickly become importunate but as the will becomes quiet she suspends them again and then they remain another little while and live again in this manner some hours may be passed in prayer as in reality they are for when the two powers have begun to taste this celestial divine and to be inebriated therein they easily lose themselves again that so they may gain them more and as they accompany the will all three enjoy themselves together but the period during which they remain entirely lost is very short and there is no imagination at all for in my opinion this power is also entirely lost though they do not so entirely return to themselves without remaining for some hours as it were stupid but God recollects them and brings them back by little and little to himself we now come to the interior of what the soul then feels let him declare it who knows it for it cannot be understood and much less expressed I was thinking when I wish to write these remarks after having communicated and having been engaged in this very prayer on which I am writing on what the soul did at that time our Lord address these words to me she forgets herself entirely in order to give herself more to me it is not she who now lives but I who live in her and this is so incomprehensible that all she can comprehend is that she comprehends nothing he who has proved these words by experience will be able to understand something of them for I cannot speak more clearly since what happens here is so very obscure I can only say that they're being united with God is represented to them and they are so certain thereof that they cannot possibly help believing it here all the powers of the soul sees operating and are suspended in such a manner that in no way can it be understood as I have mentioned that they work if the soul were thinking of some mystery it is instantly forgotten as if there had never been any such thought if she were reading she has no remembrance of what she read nor of what she was meditating on and so of praying vocally in like manner thus this important little net of the memory has her wings burnt here so that she can no longer move from place to place the will however is entirely occupied in loving though it understands not how it loves it is not known how the understanding understands if it understands at all at least it can comprehend nothing of that which it understands to me it appears not to understand because as I was saying it is not understood and I have not yet been able to understand this myself at first I was in such great ignorance as not to know that God was in all things and as he seemed to be so present to me it appeared impossible for me to believe otherwise not to believe that he was there I was unable because it seemed almost certain that I understood him to be present some unlearned men told me that he was present only by his grace this I could not believe because as I have said he appeared to me to be present and so I went on in trouble but at length a great unlearned man of the order of the glorious saint Dominic freed me from this doubt and told me that not only was our Lord present but that he also communicated himself to us these words comforted me much we must take notice and understand that this celestial water is always to be considered as a most eminent favor from our Lord for it endows the soul with most precious advantages as I shall now mention End of Chapter 18 Chapter 19 of the life of Saint Teresa this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Anne Boulet The Life of Saint Teresa by Teresa of Jesus translated by the Reverend John Dalton Chapter 19 the saint begins to declare the effects which this degree of prayer produces in the soul etc in this prayer in union the soul is filled with so great tenderness as to be willing to resolve herself not through the pain she feels but by the tears of joy wherewith she is bathed without knowing how or when she shed them but it gives her great delight to find in this impestuousity of the fire allayed by water which, however, makes it increase the more this language may seem to be so much gibberish but so it is in this degree of prayer I have sometimes happened to be that I knew not whether I were awake or asleep or whether in truth I had been in the glory which I felt I saw myself so bathed in water which came from my eyes with such force and speed that it seemed as if it were poured down from some cloud in the heavens I found that it was no dream and this happened at the beginning of this prayer but it quickly passed away the soul, however, remains so courageous that if she could then be cut to pieces for God's sake it would be a great consolation to her there are excited and renewed all her promises her heroic resolutions the lively efficacy of her desires her abhorrence of the world her very carefully seeing her own vanity and all this is observed much more perfectly and deeply than it was in her former prayers her humility becomes much stronger because now she clearly sees that it was no indulgence of hers she procured her this excess of an incomparable favor nor was her diligence in any way instrumental in making her enjoy this favor she sees clearly that she was a most unworthy wretch for if a clear beam of the sun should enter any room the smallest cobweb cannot be concealed she sees her misery she is also so free from being glory that it seems impossible for her to entertain it because she has now before her eyes little she is able to perform or rather that it is nothing at all and also that there was hardly so much as any consent of hers but that it seems whether she would or not the gates of all her senses were shut up in order that she might the better enjoy her lord and as she remains alone with him what has she to do but to love him she can neither see nor hear unless she be forged and therefore there is little for which to thank her her former life is then presented to her with perfect truth and also the great mercy of God all this happens without the understanding being obliged to go in search of it and there she sees ready prepared what she is to eat and understand she sees also that of herself she deserves hell and that instead thereof she receives glory and not punishment hence she consumes herself in the praises of God and I should be glad to do the same now Blessed be thou, O Lord who having found me to be such impure water has vouchsaved to purify it in such a manner that it may be in some measure not unworthy of thy table be thou praised, O joy of angels who has been pleased to exalt so base a worm this prophet the soul retains for some time and she already clearly understands that the fruit is not of her own growth she begins to give part of it to others without feeling any want of it herself she begins also to give signs of being a soul that guards heavenly treasures and she is desirous of making others partake of them beseeching God that she alone may not be rich she begins to do good to her neighbors almost without understanding it or doing anything herself but they who receive the benefit understand it well because the flowers already yield so great a scent that they make everyone a virus of coming to them people see she has great virtues and that the fruit is tempting and they would be glad to help her to eat it if the earth of this garden the soul be cultivated by labors and persecutions and detractions and sicknesses and there are few who arrive so far without these things and if it be loosened from all self-interest the water sinks so very deep that the soil will scarce ever be dry but if the soul have as many thorns as I had in the beginning if she do not avoid all the occasions of sin and if she neglect to acknowledge her obligations to God for so great a favor she soon again becomes dry and if the gardener should grow negligent and our Lord through his soul goodness should not be willing to give the garden rain you may give it up as ruin and destroyed so did it happen to me several times and truly it amazes me to reflect upon it if I had not experienced it I could not have believed it I write thus for the comfort of such souls as our weak like mine that so they may never despair nor once desist from confiding in the greatness of God even though they should fall after having been loaded with such favors as our hearer mentioned they must not despair unless they wish to be totally lost tears gain everything one brings another one of the reasons by which I have been animated considering the wretched creature I am to write this discourse by obedience and to give an account of my wicked life and of the favors our Lord have bestowed upon me and these not while I was serving but offending him has been this I wish I were some person of great authority that so men might believe me the more in this respect our Lord that his majesty may bestow the favor upon me I say that no one of those who have begun to use mental prayer should be dismayed by saying if I became wicked again it would be worse for me to go on with the exercise of prayer I believe this if he should omit prayer and not correct his life but if he should not give up prayer he may be confident it will lead him to the port of life the devil made a fierce an attack upon me in this point and I passed so long without prayer thinking that being so wicked as I was it would be an act of greater humility to omit I gave it over for about a year and a half or for a year at least for the half year I do not remember so well this was nothing more than making myself fall into hell without needing any devils for this purpose oh my god what great blindness and how the devil succeeds in his purpose by laying so heavy a load upon us herein the trader knows that he has lost the soul which perseveres in prayer and that all those falls which he causes us to make will but assist us through the goodness of god to make us afterwards advance more quickly in his service the devil knows all this oh my jesus what a thing it is to see a soul who has arrived at this state fallen into sin thy mercy thou dost lend her thy hand to rise again then she will know the multitude of thy greatnesses and mercies and her own misery then she comes to annihilate herself in earnest and to understand thy greatness here she presumes not to raise up her eyes to heaven though yet she raises her thoughts to consider and understand her obligations to him here she becomes devoted to the queen of heaven that she by her prayers may appease here she invokes those saints who fell after thou just once called them to thy service in order that they may assist her here she believes that whatever crosses thou dost send they are all too light because she sees she does not deserve the very ground on which she stands here she has recourse to the sacraments and to that lively faith which remains in her from seeing the great efficacy god has given them she praises thee for having left such ointments and medicine for the cure of our wounds and these not only close them but heal them entirely at all this she is amazed and who oh lord of my soul ought not to be amazed at so great mercy and increased favors in spite of treasons which are so foul and abominable that I wonder how my heart does not break when I write these things because I am a wicked witch and yet it seems as if I wish to make thee some kind of satisfaction for so many treasons by shedding these few poor tears given by thee and which as far as concerns me are but so much water drawn from a muddy well still I am always committing evil and endeavoring to frustrate the favors which thou hast done me be pleased oh my lord to give value to my tears make these tears oh lord acceptable to thee purify the troubled water of my soul that so no temptation may be given to anyone a forming rash judgments as was the case with me for I often thought why thou does pass over oh lord other very holy people who have always served thee and suffered for thee and have been brought up in religion and who are indeed truly religious and not like me who had nothing more than the name and yet I see clearly thou has not shown such favors to them as thou hast to me but I know well oh my eternal God thou keepest their reward in store that thou mayest give it to them altogether and that my weakness requires such treatment but those others like valiant men serve thee without it and so thou treatest them as thou wouldest people strong encourage who have no interest but not withstanding all this thou knowest oh lord that often I cried out before thee excusing those persons who spoke against me because I thought they had too much reason for what they said but this happened oh lord when already through thy goodness thou has prevented me from offending thee so much and when I was already endeavoring to avoid whatever might offend thee and when I began to do this thou oh lord dis begin to open thy treasures to this thy servant and it seems thou dis expect nothing more than that I might be inclined and prepared to receive them so quickly dis thou began not only to bestow them but to which that men should know thou has given them and when this was known some began to have a good opinion of me though all were not aware how wicked I was still a great deal of my wickedness transpired then men began all at once to culminate me and persecute me and in my opinion not without great cause but still I entertain no enmity against anyone but only be sought thee to consider what reasons they had they said that I wish to pass for a saint and that I invented certain novelties though I was not then able by a great deal even to fulfill all the duties of my rule nor had I overtaken in the way of virtue those most pious and religious nuns who were in the monastery and I think I shall never be able to arrive there too unless God in his goodness be pleased to perform everything on his side rather was I inclined to do away with everything which was good and to establish certain customs which were not good at least I did what I could to introduce them and in doing evil I always had power enough and thus men blamed me without any fault of theirs I do not say that they were nuns only other persons also told me truth because thou dispermit them when once I was saying my office and came to this verse thou art just oh lord and thy judgments are right as I was sometimes subject to this temptation I began to consider how true these words were in this respect the devil never had any power to tempt me so far as to make me doubt that thou oh lord art the author of all goodness nor could he prevail over me in anything relating to faith rather did it seem to me that the more the articles of faith were above nature the more firmly did I believe them and the more devotion they excited within me and as thou art omnipotent all the manifestations of thy greatness which thou might display I resolved upon to execute and of this as I have said I had no doubt and when I was afterwards considering how since thou art just thou could permit so many dear servants of thine to be without receiving those favors and caresses which thou disbestow upon me thou dis return this answer serve me and do not trouble thyself about anything else these were the first words which I heard you speak to me and therefore I was greatly astonished there at I will afterwards declare this manner of hearing and understanding things together with other matters I do not wish to speak of them here for they would be out of place and I think I have wandered from my subject already indeed I scarcely know what I have said but it cannot be otherwise and your reverence must bear with these interruptions for when I consider how much God has endured from me and when I see myself in this state it will not be strange if I lose the thread of what I say and of what I intend saying may our Lord grant that all my wanderings may be of this kind and may his majesty never permit me to wander a hare's breath from him rather may I be consumed even at this very moment it is sufficient to consider his great mercies towards me by which he has pardoned my base in gratitude not once but many times he pardoned Peter once but me he pardoned often and hence with reason did the devil tempt me hoping that I would not pretend to hold any close friendship with one to whom I had been so public an enemy how great was this blindness of mine and where could I think oh my lord of finding any remedy but in thee what folly was it to fly from the light and to go on forever stumbling in the dark what an arrogant humility it was which the devil invented for me by persuading me no longer to support myself against that pillar and staff which could prevent my fall from being so great I am now at this moment blessing myself for I think I never escaped so imminent a danger as this deceit which the devil taught me by the way of humility he made me think it would be impossible that so wretched a creature as I am and who had received such great favors from God should ever be able to arrive at mental prayer that it would be sufficient if I said those vocal prayers to which I was bound like all the others did but that now since I did not perform even these prayers well why should I wish to do more this would imply little reverence for God and it would be undervaluing his favors it was profitable to think and to know all this but to put it in execution would have been a very great evil be thou blessed O Lord who disapply me with a remedy for this temptation seems to have been nothing less than the beginning of that which the devil brought upon Judas but the traitor did not dare to attack me so openly as he did Judas he approached by little and little just as he attacked him let all those who use mental prayer consider this well for the love of God let them know that during the time I omitted using it my life was much worse behold what a fine remedy the devil gave me and what admirable humility that was which produced in my soul only trouble and uneasiness but how indeed could my soul find repose the wretched creature abandoned her true repose she remembered her favors and graces and she found that the pleasures of the world were loathsome I wonder how I could have remained so long in this state I was with the hope that I might remain very free from sin for as far as I remember though now it is more than 21 years I was always resolved to return to mental prayer but oh how ill grounded was my hope but though I afterwards gave myself to prayer and reading which were capable of making me see the truth and of discovering to me the evil course I was holding and though I often prayed to our Lord with many tears yet so very wicked and wretched that I knew not how to help myself and as moreover I began to omit these good practices and to employ myself in idle past times and to expose myself to many occasions of sin having at the same time but very few helps or rather I should say none at all what else could I expect but to lose my soul I believe that a certain religious of the order of Saint Dominic a very learned man had much merit before God for he it was who roused me from my lethargy he made me as I think I have already mentioned receive the blessed sacrament every fort night and my misery being then not so great I began to return to myself again though I still committed some offenses against our Lord but because I had not lost my way I still went on falling and rising by little and little he who perseveres in going forward will at length arrive at the end of his journey though perhaps late to me it seems one and the same thing for a soul to lose her way and to leave off her prayer may our Lord deliver us from this evil for his mercy's sake the conclusion to be drawn from what I have said and I desire it may be well attended to for the love of our Lord is this that though a soul may arrive at such a degree as to induce our Lord to bestow many favors upon her in prayer yet she must not place any confidence in herself since she may fall nor must she on any account expose herself to occasions of sin let her consider this well for the deceit which the devil may employ afterwards is very great and though the favors received might most certainly be from God yet the traitor will not fail to take advantage of these favors in the way he can especially against persons who are not strong in virtue and mortification nor entirely disengaged from this world such should remember that they are not by means of this prayer sufficiently fortified as I shall afterwards declare if they should place themselves in dangerous occasions however strong their desires and resolutions may be this is excellent doctrine and it is not mine but God himself and so I shall be glad if all ignorant persons like myself would learn it because though a soul may have arrived at this degree of prayer she must never trust herself so far as to go forth to the combat she will do enough if she can defend herself in this state it will be necessary for her to use arms to defend herself against the devils for as yet she has not strength enough to attack them and much less to tread them under her feet as those persons will be able to do who shall have arrived at that state of which I shall afterwards speak this is a deceit of the devil by which he imposes upon us these that once he sees a soul has arrived so near to God as to see what a difference there is between the joys of this life and the next and to know what love our Lord shows to her from this very love he makes such a confidence in security to arise as if she would never fall away from what she is enjoying she also appears to see her reward so clearly that she is easily induced to consider it impossible for her to leave that which even in this life is so pleasant and delightful for the pleasures of this world which are so base and insignificant by this confidence the devil deprives her of that distrust she ought to have in her own strength and thus as I was saying exposes herself to danger and begins with great zeal to give away to others without any rule or measure the fruit of her garden thinking she has no longer any reason to be afraid of herself and she imagines this is not done through pride for the soul knows well she can do nothing of herself but through the great confidence she has in God but all this is done without discretion because she does not consider that she has as yet hardly any feathers she may indeed get out of the nest and God himself takes her out but she cannot fly because her virtues are not yet strong enough neither has she sufficient experience to know her dangers nor is she aware of the evil which arises from putting confidence in herself this is what ruined me and hence the director and conversation with spiritual persons are very necessary for this and other objects I am fully persuaded when God once brings a soul to this state he will continue to caress her and not suffer her to perish if she do not entirely forsake him but if she should fall let her consider and consider again for the love of God lest the devil should deceive her by inducing her to omit mental prayer as he induced me under a false humility this I have already mentioned and I wish to mention it very often but let her trust in the goodness of God which is greater than all the sins we can commit and let her hope that he will not remember our ingratitude when knowing ourselves we wish to return to his friendship again nor the favors he has bestowed upon us so as to make us be punished for them but that rather they will obtain pardon for us so much the sooner as for persons who have belonged to his house and have eaten of his bread as the saying is let them remember his words and consider how he has proceeded with me for I grew tired with offending his majesty before he grew tired with pardoning me never does he grow weary in giving never can his mercies be dried up and so let us never grow weary of receiving his favors may he be blessed forever amen may all creatures praise him