 I want to talk to you guys about some personal things that have been going on in my life. This is something that, like I said, I'm really nervous to talk about. I don't want to feel like this anymore, guys. It has been so hard. It has been so hard, guys, and I feel so bad for Bill, but I'm not happy here anymore. I tried everything, and nothing's been helping me, and I can't handle it anymore. What is good, Marvel Squad? And welcome back to our channel. Today, it is just gonna be me in today's video because I want to talk to you guys about some personal things that have been going on in my life, and I just want to open up with you guys, be real, be honest. I'm kind of nervous to get on with this video. I'm really bad at explaining my thoughts, and it has a lot to do with what I'm about to talk about today. I feel like my head is always just spinning, and I feel like I can't actually get the right words out. So bear with me, guys. I've never done a video like this, but you guys are my family. I want you guys to be a part of our everyday life. I want you guys to see the ins and outs of us. I want you to see the real side of us because you guys are only seeing 20-minute videos that we post that are challenges, or a prank, or just simple videos that we do upload, or Instagram, TikToks. You guys are in seeing what we go through behind the scenes, how much we work, what we do off-site as social media. Just things that we do, things that could happen, life experiences, family situations. There's so many things that we don't talk about just because we like to keep that stuff personal. We have to have some type of personal life, but this is something that, like I said, I'm really nervous to talk about. I never had a family like you guys. You guys be in the absolute world to me and I feel like I have such a connection with you guys and I want you guys to connect with me and I want you guys to know a little bit about me. And if you guys are going through a similar situation, you guys could connect with me and you know, you could feel like you're not alone because I know the feeling of feeling you don't have somebody there or knowing that somebody else might not be going through the same thing as you, but guys, I'm telling you, you are not alone. Like no matter what you were going through, you are not alone. You have so many loving family and friends. I know you do. I just want you to do things that are able to make you feel better because today I want to be talking about a big topic and I know many people suffer through and go through every single day and it's something that's been going on with me. It's a really big part of my life. So today's topic is going to be about anxiety and mental health and depression because that is something that's a huge part of my life now is something that has developed in the past year that I feel like I haven't been able to control in the right ways. And I just want to be open and real with you guys. Like I said, you guys are my family. I literally love you guys so much and it's taken a lot of me to even talk about this because I am scared. I am scared of, you know, I don't know just explaining my emotions. I'm really bad at it. So just bear with me like I said. So basically my whole family has anxiety. Like it's hereditary. Like every single person in my family has some sort of anxiety. My twin sister, for example, she has it too. I've always been super anxious. My stomach has always heard it. I just never really put two and two together that it was anxiety. I mean, obviously it wasn't as bad at how it is now. It all kind of started when COVID happened. That's when I saw a big switch in myself, my personality, the way I was feeling. I will say at that time in my life last year, we were still living in our parents' house. As you guys know, we were really unhappy because we couldn't film, doing things we wanted to do because people were in the way or we were being too loud or like we didn't want to do certain things because we're in our parents' home and it just felt like we couldn't do what we actually wanted to do. We felt stepped back because we couldn't do the things we wanted to do or branch out and do more for you guys because we love being content creators. We love entertaining you guys. And that is when it all started, was feeling like I wasn't putting my all into something that I love so dearly. Like I am so grateful for this job, guys. Like you have no idea how much you all mean to me and how much this job means to me. This whole experience has been absolutely amazing. So when that was happening and we weren't able to put our all into the videos because we weren't happy, it was really hard to push through. We were like posting three times a week and we're posting on TikTok, we're doing live streams. There was a lot that we were doing and with COVID happening, like we were traveling a lot before then because we were able to kind of like get out and like actually do things that were exciting and new and fresh. And when COVID happened, we were stuck in our houses. We were only able to film in our house and it was so like immensely draining that I like literally that's when it all started. I started seeing a switch in my personality and I don't know if anybody else experienced this. I know this is really TMI but like I said, I just want to be open and real with you guys. I'm not embarrassed of this. I'm actually really happy that I'm able to kind of talk about it because it should be something that's more normalized. Anxiety is a thing, it's real. Everybody should feel like they should be able to talk about it and not feel embarrassed. I don't know, I just want to be more confident and it's telling myself that it's okay, this is life, things happen and this is a part of me and I need to just embrace it. You know, be happy for who I am and you know, I want you guys to know, like I want this to be normalized. I want you guys to know you are not alone and it's okay. Has someone made fun of you because you have anxiety or you have depression or your mental health slow? They are not good people in your life. You need to eliminate them. People who support you, I've had the best support team with my friends and family and they have done nothing but support me and love me for who I am. They never left my side even when I had my major panic attacks. Like those are real family and friends and I just want you to know you are loved and I love you. I know a lot of people need to hear that and for me, I like to hear that. I love that reinsurance so just know like people love you and I love you. But going back to the story of when it all started, that was kind of when it was all started. It was, me and Bill really wanted to move out at that point but we couldn't because of COVID and everything going on. Everything was on lockdown, no one was doing anything. So we were stuck in there for another six months and that ended up becoming super hard. Like we loved living with our parents but like we were at that point where we needed to branch off to better ourselves and to better our career and better our life and the anxiousness that I had every single day because I wanted that so bad but I couldn't have it. My anxiety started forming really, really bad. And like I said, this is a little TMI but I'm gonna be open. I have been having unnormal bathroom experiences where I go number two, it's not normal. And it's been not normal. I don't think I've had a normal experience with that in about a year and let me just say it's really hard. Like I get so embarrassed to go in public because everybody can hear me. People have heard me when I go to people's houses. It's like just super embarrassing. I don't wanna cry but I feel like I'm about to cry because it's such an emotional topic for me because I haven't had a normal bathroom experience in a year. I know that might not sound as dramatic but it is really embarrassing and my friends have heard me do it. My family's heard me do it. I can never understand why it was like that. And I was, I talked to my doctor, they told me to do a non-dairy diet for two weeks. It was still happening. We'll go back onto the bathroom experience in a second but I feel like my life, we did so many things so quickly. Like people our age are still living with their parents. Like we are doing more adult things that most kids don't do our age. Like we're doing stuff that's like 30 to 40 year old people do. Like we're about to buy a house in Florida. We're moving across states. I can't even like think through because it's so insane to me. And let me just say I am so grateful. Like I am so blessed to have you guys. I'm so blessed to have this job, this career. Everything I am just so thankful guys. I could literally cry. I'm just so grateful for each and every one of you and I want you to know that because without you guys, I wouldn't have this apartment. Okay, I'm just gonna open up, just talk because I've never cried on camera before. I know you guys have never seen me this vulnerable but it is a really hard time for me recently. Before I had this, I had no money to my name. I had literally not even $100 in my bank account and it's like, it's just so crazy. And I think of it, it makes me more motivated. It gets me up, it gets me going and I'm just so grateful for you guys and you guys pushed me through these hard times that I've been going through. Like I need to recoup guys, I'm sorry. I don't like crying. I don't want sympathy guys. This is not a sympathy cry. This is literally just me opening up to you guys because I want you guys to connect with me on a different level. Like on a different level that I've never talked to you guys about. Moving on to six months after COVID was, you know everything was starting to open back up and stuff. We decided to, we needed to get an apartment. Well, we wanted to move to Florida and just jump the gun but we needed to stay home and spend as much time because we were about to just jump and go to Florida without even like living on our own. And I was kind of scared. I wanted to live on my own first at an apartment even though we were against renting for a long time before moving across state. So we did that. We're in our apartment, best decision in my entire life. My happiness, my energy levels were so much better. Me and Bill had a weight that was lifted off our shoulder. We felt like a relief of being able to do this. And now we're taking the next step in April to move to Florida which I am, I'm so glad I waited because I am so excited guys. And let me just tell you when we were in Florida for that week, my anxiety, my happiness everything was so much different. I was so much happier guys sitting outside soaking in the sun. I needed that so badly because I was hitting rock bottom. I had been going through panic attacks to the point where I feel like my throat's closing. I feel like my heart's beating out of my chest. I feel like I can't breathe. I've had times where I've asked, I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe, I can't breathe. And Bill goes, Mariah, you're breathing. Just breathe, you're fine. I promise you. That was like, it's scary when you get in those moments. Like I can't even explain how scary it is. It feels like you're about to pass out. And like it really has started to happening more in the past month or two. I have been seeing it getting worse and worse and worse and now it's just like really bad. I'm on edge all the time. This is like a really big insecurity problem but I think it also has to do with anxiety and with everything that's going on in my head. I have so many things in my head. I can't even like think straight because there's so many things I'm so antsy. Like when I wake up in the morning, I'm like, okay, we gotta hurry up and film. We gotta hurry up and film when we have all day. We have all day. And for some reason, my brain just keeps telling me, go, go, go, go, go, go. I feel like I don't have that like chemical balance that tells me, Mariah, you're going, you're doing great. Slow down, like you're fine. You're gonna get the video done today. You're not gonna miss the video. Like I get so antsy and I feel like I am like, I feel bad for Bill and I literally, I just wish I can hug him and thank him because he has been by my side through it all. He is so supportive guys. Like I am so thankful to have him because without Bill, I don't think I'd be able to make it through this. This is hard. I really want you guys to know, I know there is worse incidents. I know there's people who suffer through it worse. I know there is a lot more people that go through it in a different light but I just want to tell you with my life and what's going on with me, this is hard. This is really, really, really hard. I'm doing things that most kids don't do our age and filing my own taxes, you know, having my own mortgage like just, and like it's a lot. It's all been happening so fast and I think that's a really big thing on why my anxiety has been so bad. Getting back to how I'm always in my head. I'm always comparing myself. I'm not really comparing myself to the point where I'm like, oh my God, I want to be like this person. I am so happy in my own skin. Even though recently I've been feeling really ugly ever since I took out my extensions, that's one thing that I have been feeling really bad about is just because I feel ugly, I don't feel like I'm pretty enough at times. And I need to just embrace who I am, which I am. And I'm getting through that and I think it has a lot to do with my anxiety playing a role with telling me all these things, all these different factors in my head are going through my head. But yeah, confidence is something that I'm growing and I'm getting better at. Also, I always just feel like everyone like hates me and I know that sounds weird for me to say that but like even my friends and my family, I feel like everyone's always mad at me. I feel like I'm always a nag in people's life. I feel like I'm always doing something wrong and I hate feeling like that. I hate feeling like I, everyone's mad at me when they're not. Like nobody's mad at me. Everyone always tells me how great of a friend I am and how supportive and how big my heart is. I have probably one of the biggest hearts and I can say that because I forgive people so easily. I love everybody so dearly and I think that's an also a really big problem in my mind is I love too much the point where I get hurt and it does backfiring me sometimes. I get played, I get, you know, people talking about me behind my back. Having such a big heart, this is what happens but I'm not, I love having a big heart. I'm not gonna change who I am. I'm gonna always have a big heart. I'm gonna love everybody. Like I am so thankful for my friends that I have in my life right now but I am just so thankful for all my friends that I do have in my life, my family, everyone who is supporting me without them helping me and like telling me things that you know, Raya, you gotta stop freaking out, you know, everything's fine, people don't hate you. Like people, I always worry about that when I shouldn't be. I shouldn't have to feel like people don't like me. Like that is something that I need to work on and I'm gonna work on and I'm not embarrassed to talk to you guys about that because you know, it's human. Also guys, also guys if you start working a full-time job that also plays a role in your life, it adds stress, especially about your own business and let me just say, I don't think social media has taken a negative toll on my life. Honestly, it has made me grow into the person that I've always wanted to become. I am growing independent. I'm growing financially stable. I'm growing a whole different type of like, good at like saving money. Like I am a whole different person than I was before. I didn't care about, you know, a lot of the things that I should have been caring about and I am so thankful for this job because it has taught me how to manage my life good and I am so blessed. I would not say this job has took a negative toll on my life, but I will say, the things that we have to do throughout the day has taken a negative toll with that being said, it has made me stressed. It does make me stressed out. Making sure everything's perfect and that's one thing that's like me and Bill, we always are like, oh my God, is this video gonna perform well? Are people gonna like it? Are people gonna enjoy it? And like that's just stress that comes with the job and if I was running any business, I wanna put my all into it. I wanna make sure I am putting and doing the best that I can at anything that I'm doing because I don't wanna half ask my stuff. Like I wanna make sure it is perfect. It is great. And I think that's why me and Bill, or just me, I don't really say Bill, Bill is more of, Bill, I wish I was like him, but he doesn't let the stuff bother him. He puts it to the side and I love that and I love that it doesn't affect him, but it does affect me. But like when you work a job and you do it all day, it's your career, it does get stressful, it does take a toll on you, it creates anxiety, it creates headaches, it makes you just pan, like we have panic attacks, you get anxious, like it's okay. I was just talking to somebody about this today, but like I cannot imagine work going to an actual job and working for somebody else because I would have panic attacks all the time. When I used to work at Mariano's Sweetfrog, all those places that I used to work at, I would have such bad stomach aches because I was so anxious and I couldn't handle it. I am so thankful that I get to work from home. I get to travel wherever I want and knowing that there's a bathroom that I could go in right there feels so amazing guys. And I am so blessed for this life and this job and this career. It has brought me so many positive things, but you know, any job's gonna bring back negative things. There's always a negative and a positive, always. Or any job that you do, it's always gonna come with the negatives and positives, but you gotta make sure you can balance that. But with all the things that have been going on in my life with my anxiety and my mental health, and I will say I probably have a little bit of depression because I am sad. I get to the time where I'm sitting on the couch and I'm just like staring like this and I'm just looking and I'm sad. And I also think it has a big role with living in Chicago. I will say this next chapter of Me and Bill's life is about to change our entire life. I am so much happier in Florida, Chicago. People are mean here. They look at us weird. Everyone's just so negative and I just can't wait to get out of here. Like I know there's gonna be cons in Florida. I know there's gonna be things that happen in Florida, but I'm not happy here anymore. I'm not. And I will say the only thing that keeps me happy is my family and my friends that do live here. That is the only thing that's keeping me here. It's my family and my friends. I love them so much and without them, I would be so sad. I definitely think it has a lot to do with living here and living in this state. This state just brings me so much sadness. And when I was in Florida, like I said, that last week or two, I was so happy. And I cannot wait to be happy like that again. I will say guys, I am going to my doctor on Friday and I'm gonna talk to him about getting on medicine. I know that like some people like to keep that private, but I wanna be open with you guys. I'm gonna let you know, like I tried everything. I tried everything and nothing's been helping me. My stomach issues are not going away. I'm tired of sitting here right now and having a feeling I have to run to the bathroom because I can't hold it in. Embarrassing myself in public. I can't go to the bathroom in public guys. It is so embarrassing. Like I don't even wanna explain it to you guys because it's a little bit TMI and it's kind of assy, but like it's embarrassing and it's definitely an insecurity of mine that I have to deal with right now. And I'm tired of feeling this for a whole year. It's been like this every single time I go to the bathroom, not P obviously, number two. And it's embarrassing and I can't handle it anymore. I've tried doing essential oils. I've tried doing different types of anxiety meditations working out. I've tried everything. Nothing is helping me. So I need to take this next step. I need to try to see if medicine will help me because I need it. I need something to bring back that chemical imbalance that I do have in my body. I need that extra dopamine. Is that what it's called? In my body to help keep me going because I don't wanna feel like this anymore guys. It has been so hard. It has been so hard guys and I feel so bad for Bill because he's with me every day and sometimes I do lash out and I don't mean to. I don't mean to lash out. I can't control it. And there's also past story of my life of why I also have anxiety. I have had divorced parents. My living situation when I was younger wasn't all that great. I was back and forth with my mom and dad. It was crazy. And I maybe one day I'll open up to you guys about my childhood life. But for right now, that childhood life is why I am who I am today and why I have the anxiety that I do have. I just wanna be open and real with you guys and connect you guys on a different level. A different type of video and just, I just want you guys to know that you're not alone and it's okay. It is okay to have anxiety. It is okay. And I need you to know that. Everybody goes through their own situations. People really go through it and it's okay. You're not alone. Like I'm going through it. I have so many of my friends that go through it. My family, it's okay. It's common. It should be normalized. People shouldn't feel embarrassed that they have that because honestly, I was a little embarrassed. I didn't wanna believe that I had anxiety. I didn't wanna believe it, but I do. And I'm gonna embrace it. I'm gonna be proud of it. And I'm gonna do everything that I can to help fix it because I don't wanna feel like this anymore, guys. I don't want you guys to think I'm sad. I don't want you to think I'm always sad. I really am happy. I am very thankful and I'm blessed for this life and I will do everything I can to stay doing what I love doing and working my hardest. But I do have those moments and I wanna be honest. I have moments where there'll be a day before filming and I just can't do it. Like I'm down the whole video where I have to pretend that I'm happy when I'm really not and that's not okay. But I just wanted to update you guys and kinda connect you guys at a different level. I know this is the type of video you guys are probably expecting and know you guys are probably so scared, but and if you guys have watched all the way to the end, I love you guys and without your support, I wouldn't be here and I'm just so blessed for you guys. I'm sorry if this video is kind of all over the place. Like I said, I have anxiety and I can't think straight sometimes. I really can't. My brain, I have been having this problem since I was little is and I couldn't write papers. I couldn't do speeches. Just couldn't do it because I can't process things right. Like I can't think of like, I wish I could be better at speaking. Like that's something that is like one of my goals is to get better at speaking and telling you guys how I'm feeling on the inside. I'm sure I probably did a good job explaining everything, but for me, it just feels like I was scrambling. But guys, your mental health is important. It really is important. Go out and go take a walk outside. Even if it's a little bit cold, just go around the block. It'll help you, I promise. Go do things to distract you when you're in those moments. Do not sit on your couch. That is my problem. When I start sitting on the couch when I have anxiety, I start panicking and I start feeling like I can't breathe. My throat's closing. I have to go be active during those situations because that's the only way you're gonna get out of that state ahead. And go do something to distract you. Distraction is key. It really is key. So if you're going through this, know that you're not alone. I love you. And if you need to talk to somebody, go talk to somebody. It feels so much better being able to talk to somebody about your feelings and letting it out. And I'm so thankful for the support system that I do have and all the friends that I have that love me and support me for me. And I just wanna say thank you to all of my friends that are watching this. You guys all know who you are and I love you. And thank you for supporting me and being on my side. This is definitely a hard video for me to come out with and I'm sorry for crying earlier. I usually never get emotional but this topic for me is emotional. It's a big part of my life and I wanna share that part of my life with you. You guys are my family and you guys should be able to come along with me and Bill and learn the ins and outs of us because you guys only see 20 minute video. And that's not enough to really know the type people that we are. And I wanna do more videos like this. I wanna be open with you guys. I wanna connect with you guys and I hope that this kinda made you feel better. If you are going through something, you're not alone. You have me, my DMs are open. You guys can DM me, we can maybe talk, you know, vent and just know that I love you so much. My Instagram is right here. Feel free, just let it out. Even if I don't open it, it feels a lot better just writing out your feelings and I wanna be that open book for you guys. And if you wanna leave a comment down below and just vent, just do it. We love you guys and we wanna support every single one of you. I know Bill's not here right now but he'll be saying the same thing that he loves you guys with his whole entire heart and we are so blessed to have this platform and to have an inspiration on your guys' life. And I just wanna say thank you guys and thank you for listening to my story. There's definitely a lot more behind the scenes that I kinda wanna open up to you guys about. Maybe like a story time of like my past life and if you guys are interested in that, maybe I'll do a video about that. But thank you guys for listening and just talking with me and listening to my story about my anxiety and things that have been going on. I just, I'm so grateful for you guys. I really always wanna freaking hug you guys. If you guys aren't already, make sure to go down and hit that subscribe button. Enjoy the Marble family because we love you guys so much. Make sure to give this video a big thumbs up and give it a thumbs up for bettering ourselves and trying to push through those hard times. But yeah guys, I hope you guys enjoyed today's video. Thanks, literally thank you guys so much for tuning in and listening to my story. I love you guys with my entire heart. Normalize anxiety, don't be embarrassed, love yourself and 2021 is gonna be our year. We're gonna do it together guys, Team Marble. But we'll see you guys or I will see you in the next video. But until then, peace, love you guys.