 So do you know what the problem with the dating marketplace these days? I think one of the significant problems in the dating mating and relating realm, if you will, these days is an actual devaluing of women. I'm gonna repeat that. I believe a significant percentage of men devalue women and while this is just one of the many problems with the mating process today, I think because of ethnography, I believe because of social media and quite frankly, I also believe a lack of boundaries by women have caused men to actually devalue women and this doesn't bode well. I know a lot of you will feel upset hearing this, but this is the observation I see today as a dating and relationship coach for women. In fact, as a coach, I continually come across women who want to sign up for coaching with me and when I hear the stories of the way men operate, there's an actual lack of care from so many men and it's rather distressing. It's rather disturbing. You know, and when I mean by a lack of care, is there these men are more preoccupied with getting their own needs met and let me just be clear, women can be equally as selfish as men, but most of it because they, because of the ease of sex these days, it's so easy for the most part, it's relatively easy for men to get sex these days, that it's actually devalued women and as I said earlier, pornography hasn't helped and social media hasn't helped. Instagram accounts where women are practically flaunting themselves. There's this plethora of available sexual tintillation that's caused men to devalue women. Now look, I've always said to you, I'm your big brother. If I could be there on a first date, I'd have the shotgun pointed at the guy's head saying, what's your intentions with my little sister? You know, because there's a level of respect when you know that there's a consequence of devaluing somebody that you might already know and what I mean by know is, you know, when you think back 50, 60, 70 years ago, you know, I was watching the movie Pleasantville the other day and I was just thinking, well, listen, men have been horny bastards since the dawn of time, you know, men haven't changed. What I think has changed is certainly in the last 50 or 60 years and it's partially, I said earlier, women's boundaries have dropped. Now look, I'm all in favor of sexual freedom and I'm here to say if a woman wants to have sex with a man on the first, second or third date, you know, that's their choice. We, you get the choice, okay? But there's a consequence to easy sex and I think that consequence is devaluing women. So you might be wondering, well, what does this have to do with the topic about how do a man know she's a one? Well, I think it's first really important to understand the mating process because it doesn't, what was in the past doesn't apply today. It barely applies today. And what I mean by the past is there was a level of valuing women, you know, like even when I got married 30 years ago, and I think I met my now ex-wife 32 years ago, you know, there was a level of respect then that existed that I'm gonna tell you today doesn't exist in the same level. In fact, I did a, I had a friend of mine do a survey in his men's group. He has over a million followers on his YouTube channel and he did a survey. At what point would you lose interest in a woman if you didn't have sex with her? Would it be the first or second date? Would it be the third or fourth date? Would it be the fifth or sixth date? No, I think he said it would be the first or second, second or third, fourth or fifth or sixth or seventh or eighth and beyond. And do you know the vast majority of men click the button that if they didn't have sex by the fourth or fifth date, they'd be gone? I mean, that really saddens me that men, especially when I listen to some of the rhetoric from the women who are wanting to work with me, tell me how these men say, you can trust me. I'm trustworthy. You know, I'm I care about your feelings. And yet they'll dump you in a hot potato if they haven't had sex by the fourth, fifth or sixth date. Listen, like I said before, I'm not here to judge the timing of when I have sex, but it's really a lack of valuing. And it used to be, it's always been the following. Women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. And think about that in the past. If a man wanted to get laid, he'd have to make the ultimate commitment. He'd have to marry you. Now, little or no commitment is needed to have sex these days because at a swipe away. There's a plethora of women that will have sex with men. They barely know. Think about that. You barely know today we're meeting total strangers. And the problem is many of you have adopted the fantasy that if we have amazing chemistry with each other, it'll just magically work out. And all I have to do is sit in my feminine energy to let that guy claim me. Listen, if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I'm going to introduce it to you today. If it's the first time, I want you to see the word attraction. And you see the tip of the iceberg. It says chemistry. But true compatibility or relationship requires shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And we are in a dysfunctional world of human beings. We have such dysfunctionality for so many human beings. And it is absolutely naive not to approach the process from the perspective of men are the leaders of the relationship. Because ladies, I'm telling you, you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship. Destiny, not a guy. This is why lately I've been recommending this book. I highly I've been reading this highly recommend the book. Why men love bitches? Why men love bitches? Bits stands for babe in total control of herself. Yes. And what that means is a man, a man who's a user or a time waster, spender, he's going to lose interest in an empowered woman. He's going to lose interest really fast in an empowered woman. But the benefit of him losing interest really fast in you is you will be choosing a man who might be a user or a spender. And if you're not familiar with this chart, highly recommend, by the way, this is not a fact. It's an opinion. It's the three types of people dating today. There are either users, spenders or growers and builders and users of the love bombers. They're the players. They're the gold diggers. They're the entitled people. They're just in it for themselves. They're just using you because they're takers. And then the spenders are the people who want companionship. They want connection. They want sex. But they have no intentionality, no direction, no really comprehension. They oftentimes their life is in chaos. They're going through a contentious divorce. Maybe they have a contentious ex. Maybe they've got issues with their children. Maybe they pamper their children. How many of you women have been with men who literally pamper their daughters and their daughters have been the gatekeepers of the relationship for you? I hear this continually over and over again. And then maybe they have work issues. Those are the spenders. And what I mean is if a man's life, if the foundation of underneath them doesn't feel solid, it's going to be very difficult for him to actually lean in to see that you are the one, to see that you're worthy. And then lastly is the growers and the builders over here, the growers and the builders. These are the people that got their act together. They genuinely want commitment. They want long-term relationship. They look at everything from a we perspective, a we perspective. And most people who are users or spenders, they're dysfunctional. Their relationship skills are mediocre at best. Their emotional maturity is mediocre at best. This is why women come to me for private coaching because my job is to teach you which questions to ask a man to determine, based on your personality, determine if he's the right fit for you. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me. It's in the description and it'll be the first comment listed as well. If you want to schedule a call with me so you can learn the skills so you don't waste your time with those users and spenders. And you can find those actual men who are growers and builders. So preparing for this, for this broadcast, I did a little Google search on when does a man know that she's the right fit? When does a man know that she's the one? When does a man know she's one? Let me read to you what it says. It says, the average American man knows after seven months of dating if his partner is the one according to new research. A survey of 2000 engaged and married American men revealed 49% of them who popped the question received little hints from their partner encouraging the proposal. Now, many of you know I recently was the officiant at a wedding. This happened to be a 37 year old male marrying a 30 year old woman. They've been together for just not quite four years. And he said he knew by the fourth month she was the one. Okay. Now, what makes him unique was he's in that young, so I suspect this survey was based on a younger category of people, a younger category of people of men who are on the lookout for a wife, on the lookout for the wife. These are the men who are those, remember I shared earlier, the growers and the builders. These are the men that want to grow. By the way, the reason why it's called growers and builders, they want to grow or build something with you. Okay. So I suspect that these numbers are based on men who actually value women. They actually have a sense of care for the other person. So they operate differently. So this is why it's so critically important to determine are you with a user or spender or are you with someone who's a grower because a man who is in that user spender category. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're the most important person on the planet. He doesn't have the capacity to actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. And usually because there's a sense of dysfunctionality going on in his life. Like I said, but a lot of this is the divorce. By the way, now I talked about younger men in the age demographic that I speak to in the over 40 category left roughly about 75% of single out there dating are divorced. And divorced people come with a fucking shitload of baggage and a lot of complications to blend lives with another person. I know I've had several women just recently tell me that they fell in love with a man. The man fell in love with them, but their children was the was the stonewall to actually making the relationship work. And that's just one of dozens examples, whether it's a contentious ex, whether it's work issues. And midlife men actually become here's the thing. I'm of that generation where we actually valued women a little bit more. But because of pornography, because of social media, and because of many women's weak boundaries, I even find myself looking at women. I have looked at women as low hanging fruit that I've devalued them because they make it so many of them make it so easy to have sex with you. Without any trust being built without any trust being built that trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is really about does this person care about my feelings as much as I care about my own. This person care about my feelings as much as I care about my own. And when a man actually steps into that, that category of looking at a person and actually genuinely caring about that person's feelings. And by the way, men can have sex with women on the first date and still genuinely care about that person's feelings. And you know how you know it's because he communicates from a vulnerable, authentic and transparent way. Let me repeat that he communicates from a vulnerable, authentic, transparent way, actually operating from a place of your feelings and not his needs. Let me repeat that he's operating from a place of your feelings and not his needs. Not to suggest he can't express his needs, but he's actually checking in with you and seeing where are you really checking in? Where are you emotionally? And I see a lot of men that bulldoze women for their own needs. And that's not actually demonstrating that you would even treat her as the one. And by the way, it's very rare when a man devalues a woman in the beginning, it's rare that he will value her later. And it doesn't matter how fucking fantastic you are. If he started from a place of devaluing you, it's going to be difficult to value you later on down the road. Does that make sense? Does that make sense? And look at, I get it. It sucks for you. It really does. And I'm going to say the minute sex became easy, the minute the men didn't have to buy the cow to get the milk, we didn't have to lease the cow. We didn't even have to be near the cow. We could just go to this grocery store to get the milk. We didn't have to be near the cow. All we had to do is swipe away on one of these apps and there's the milk for free practically. And many of you women listening to this have been guilty of this. So how are we going to change this? How are we going to change this narrative? It starts by being very radically honest from the get-go and set healthy boundaries. That's right. Set healthy boundaries. This is why if you're familiar with my dating vow, I'll post it below. But my dating vow is basically an agreement between the two of you. Here's a copy of it if you want to look at it. It's an agreement between the two of you to make a commitment to saying, if we're going to have regular sex together, it's monogamous. We're going to have regular sex together. We're exclusive in the sense that we're not actively on the dating apps looking at for people. We make a commitment to one another that we're going to explore this relationship together. We make a commitment that if one person wants to get out, we make a commitment that we speak up to each other instead of goes disappear or flake out. And by the way, most men, nine out of 10 men will reject this. Why? There's another woman a swipe away that'll have sex with them. But here's the thing, and I'm working with a client who literally has been adopted this. My dating vow is relatively new. And she's already reached the ninth date and they haven't had sex together. He's treating her with respect. He's treating her with kindness. He's consistent in his behavior. He's communicating, but communicating from an authentic place, a transparent place. And he's made a level of commitment by even going off the dating apps. And to me, that demonstrates that he values her. I mean, it's really a reflection of his character. And I can't begin to tell you one of the most important fundamentals in my private coaching we talk about incessantly. Incessantly? Is that it? Yeah, quite a bit. We talk about the importance of really evaluating his character beyond his needs of wanting to fuck your brains out. And I'm sorry, but you can lean back in your feminine energy and be claimed and get hooked on the wrong guy. That's why if you really want to tell if he really values you, it's that when you express your feelings and you express your boundaries, he's not trying to bulldoze you into his feelings. He actually listens to your feelings and say, you know what? I like you. I respect you. I value you. He doesn't have to say these words. He might just hopefully be thinking this and he goes, you know, we can go at your pace. I'm not in no rush. And by the way, the minute a man actually operates from that place, your walls drop. Which isn't, I mean what I mean is that's a good thing, but you know, I'm not saying you should operate from walls because that's what it feels like. But you know what? You begin to trust him more when a man shows up trustworthy. And trust is the only way the two of you are ever going to know each other's the one. Let me repeat trust again. Trust isn't merely about fidelity. Trust is can I count on this person to care about my feelings as much as my own? Doesn't mean we're not going to make mistakes as man. Doesn't mean we're not going to be selfish. Look, I can be ridiculously selfish. Okay. I can be. It's just innate. By the way, when you think about it, when we are born, we are literally for the first two years of our lives, we are put up on a pedestal. We can't wipe our own ass. We can't feed ourselves. We can't get around. You know, we can't make any money to buy food or shelter. So we are being pampered. We are literally bred to be selfish. This is why it requires really good parenting to teach values of valuing people. And I got to tell you today because of the bombardment of pornography and the bombardment of social media. And again, as I said earlier, the lack of boundaries by so many women, it's made it very easy for us men to devalue you. I see this in dating apps when I see, I can literally tell the women who are selling their bodies as a way to get a man. And we look at those women as low hanging fruit. We're like, we're in it. Well, listen, a man will have sex with most anyone, but the one he wants to commit to is the one who's in her empowerment. And she actually loves on herself. And if you're not familiar with my book, what the heck is self love anyway, a journey of personal development, self health and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get all the books. I recommend she loves herself. She is that babe in total control of herself. And those are the women that we want for those for us growers and builders. Those are the women we want to commit to and will recognize they're the one very quickly when they operate from a healthy boundary. And it's not just about sex. It's about saying, by the way, a boundary simply means what's okay and what's not okay for me. And what I love are the women who express themselves in a vulnerable, authentic, transparent way. And many of you are fucking, you're so afraid to speak your truth. You're so afraid to speak your truth. Chapter one in my book, if it's sincere and from, speak your truth to it from kindness. Chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. And let me just say this. I was working. One of the things I do as a coach is I actually help women craft the speeches that they give to men. And it's so easy for me to do because they're vulnerable with me. And all I do is rearrange the words so they can express it to a man in an articulate way. That's one of my gifts. Okay. Check out the link below to schedule a call with me if you want to learn how to do that better. And what happens is when a woman expresses her vulnerability, it actually draws a man, a worthy man closer to you. So stop being afraid to speak your truth and start leaning into your sovereignty, your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-reliance and your self-love. And that is how a man is going to know you are the one. All right. Did this sink in? Does this resonate? Listen, hit that like button. If it resonated with you, please share this video with your friends. Please subscribe right now. If you haven't already subscribed, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. And if you're a regular on my live streams, this is time for our Q&A. During our Q&A, this is a time to ask me a question. If you write the word question, then post the question thereafter. Again, write the word question, post the question thereafter, or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat or Super Thanks if you're watching the replay. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. We already had someone donate $4.99. I want to thank Colleen. The Super Sticker Super Chat, all the money goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. He's my son right there. He's the one who passed away. He passed away four years ago. I can't believe it. And in his honor, I started a scholarship fund to donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute. And like I said, defray the cost of personal development for those who are seeking that help. All right. And again, if you're listening to the audio replay, you won't be able to see any of the chats here. All right, let's see what we have here. And I want to thank Colleen for the $4.99 Super Sticker. Thank you so much. All right, let's see if we have any questions. And I promise a little later on in this broadcast, I'll share some personal items regarding that new woman that I met while I was away at the mudding. If you want to hear what's happening, I'll give you an update. All right, Heather just popped in. Question. If my end goal is marriage, should I mention that up front or should I simply say I'm looking for a committed relationship? I'm not trying to say the M words scare even the good ones away. Well, here's the thing about, and by the way, great question Heather, I think, you know, after my divorce, I think for the first year after my divorce, I didn't want to get remarried. That was the last thing I wanted to do. So I guess it depends on how far apart his last significant relationship was. And so I don't look at marriage as the always the end all be all, I would say certainly a committed relationship with the idea, you could simply say, you know, I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married at some point. So you've kind of outlined how you'd like it to look, okay. And you kind of said, look, I'm good with either moving in together or getting married or possibly living together apart, which means that you basically have your two established homes and you make a fully committed relationship from that. So I don't think you have to say the M word. But I will tell you this, when a person doesn't know what they want, it's hard. This is why look at express what you want. Use the narrative I just said, okay. And just say, what are you looking for? Well, I'm just looking for something casual. I don't want anything serious, you know, I'm just not ready for anything serious. I'm not ready for anything serious and I'm not really ready for anything serious. I just want something casual light. I just don't want no pressure. I just, I want no drama. I just want everything casual and light. I don't want anything serious. Well, guess what? When you want something serious, then you can get my fucking vagina, okay? That's when my, that's when my vagina actually becomes worthy of the man who says, I think I want something, not with you, you just want commitment. Here's the thing, a lot of guys are clueless. They're running around. They're winging it. They're winging it. They're winging it. They're operating from the place of when I see her, I'll fall in love instead of saying I want commitment and then I'll see her. I think Wayne Dyer says it like this. He goes, most people operate, I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. Instead of operating, excuse me, I'll, I'll, I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it. I'll believe it when I see it versus when I believe it, I will see it. When I believe it, I will see it when, and what I mean is when they believe in commitment, then they'll find commitment. but if they're hoping for some magic fairy dust to change them, look it. This is why the dating marketplace, as I said earlier, is a clusterfuck out there, because you don't know if he values you yet, because you don't know if he values commitment yet. And that's just my rant on that. So Heather, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's go swim in. Kim says, question. You know you're amazing, right? Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I'd like to think I'm pretty amazing, not in a arrogant way, just in a I value myself way. Okay, question. Do middle-aged men really want relationship or are most looking for casual situations? So the answer is most are looking for casual situation because the milk is free. Most of them it's easy to get casual because the challenge with mid-light, look it, Brady Bunch fucked it up for everybody because they made it look like it's so, this is mid-light folks. They made it think like, oh, it's just so easy. You've got Carol, you know, whatever her maiden name was, with three children, you got Mike Brady with his three children, they had Alice, the housekeeper. They could just, she could move into their home and just magically work out. She didn't have to work. She even had someone cleaning the house and do a shit. She didn't have to go work every day. She didn't have to carpool. She didn't have to go through, you know, a contentious divorce. I think they were both widowers or we found out later she was divorced. Okay, at least in the sequel movie. I think in the original storyline, they're both widowers. So they didn't have a contentious ex. They didn't have contentious children. They made it all work out. And their biggest problem was one bathroom for six kids. My point in bringing this up is most people have no fucking clue how to navigate the baggage in their life, both their emotional baggage and their actual baggage. And I'm using the term baggage. Men and women alike have so much fucking baggage in midlife that it's the problem is blending lives with someone. And because they don't know how to cognitively do this because they haven't read books like eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. By the way, before the penis ever goes inside the vagina both you should be at least reading chapter one in this book because at least you'll learn mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And sadly, most of you are naive to this and most of you don't stand up for yourself. Listen, if you ever wanna have a chance and by the way, I'm not saying stand up for yourself in a, look, I talk about the book why men love bitches. I don't mean an actual bitch. A real fucking pain in the ass type of person. I mean a bitch is she's in her powerment and she expresses her needs, wants and desires in a way that can be seen, heard and understood. Ooh, let me repeat that needs, wants and desires expressing her needs, wants and desires in a way that's seen, heard and understood. Sadly, most you women, I put you down just as much as I put men down you vomit your feelings and then you wonder why it's a cluster fuck if you haven't read the book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I highly recommend reading this book nonviolent communication by Marshall Rosenberg so you can learn how to better communicate in relationship. Here's another book, by the way I should all be reading emotional intimacy by Robert Masters. So you can actually start tapping into you ladies you all think you're so fucking good at this you are and believe me you're not and you know I know this because I've gone out with what feels like 10,000 women and so few of you actually know how to communicate you all think just because you vomit words doesn't mean you're communicating with a person just because you vomit words doesn't mean you're communicating with a person. Back I posted something on Instagram I'm gonna if I think I did. So it says here this is a meme, okay? Eventually you will stop thinking let me just read it eventually you'll stop thinking that communication is key and realize comprehension is key. You can communicate all you want to someone but if they don't allow if they don't allow different ideas in their view way of thinking or you don't allow for it it's useless real comprehension is the way listen if you can't articulate your feelings and they can't comprehend it you're not communicating with one another. I think I just went off on a tangent. So Shelly let me go back to your question. So coming back to you roughly about 20% of men, okay. 20% of men are users, 60% are spenders and 20% are growers. So to answer your question most are the users and spenders and you've got to learn how to vet for the growers that's why you hire me schedule a schedule a call with me if you want to learn how to do that. All right, thank you Shelly I appreciate it. Question, I can't get over my ex-fiancé of 12 years ago it doesn't help as we work together since 2018. How do I know if he doesn't how do I know if he doesn't love me or is just afraid? You know, why is it about him? I don't know Miss Johnson. Why is it about his feelings? What about you? Why are you pining for someone that ended 12 years ago? Answer me that question because you are most likely in a fantasy about him. You have a fantasy about him. Because you guys haven't done anything for 12 years you're just holding it. It's called unrequited love. Do me a favor, Miss Johnson, Google unrequited love. Hold on a second. Hey Google, what does unrequited love mean? Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. Okay, so either, you know, you have to get a handle on your fantasy. I'm sorry to be blunt, okay? That's just my style, okay? But you're operating from a fantasy. It doesn't matter about him. What matters most is you get into your empowerment, read his book for gosh sakes because you'll recognize that it's you that are giving your power away. Remember when I said women give their power away? They drop their boundaries because you're caring about what he's thinking and you're not actually expressing yourself. And I know, but Jonathan, I love him. I just love him so much and I want him back. That's because you're operating from the premise of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. When you love yourself, you don't need him to love you. And then you can operate from a place of actually seeing if this is real or not. And the fact that you work together, look it. I'm sure he's been sleeping with other women the last 12 years. I'm assuming you've been dating other men in the last 12 years. So either have a conversation with them or move on. Have a conversation with them, move on because unrequited love is the definition of insanity. It's dreaming over and over again the same thing and expecting some different results. I'm sorry I was tough on you, Ms. Johnson, but I think, does anyone agree with me say, Jonathan, I agree with your assessment of this situation. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Thank you. Debbie says, yes, this really hit home. Thank you, Jonathan. I believe the guy I've been dating online for a year and seven months, maybe a user and I don't wanna want to be his needs to grow and build. There you go. All right, bump, bump, bump. Eve, you know, forever smiley question. I'm dating this guy. I told him I was going to move on because his communication was not what I'm looking for. He pleaded with me to give him time to show improvement. So once again, this is an example. There is no question here. If you're gonna ask me a question, oh wait. Oh, okay, I see here, there's more to it. Should I give him the opportunity to improve? I kind of liked his response. Well, what was the issue of communication? I'm assuming it's not an issue of communication. I'm assuming it's an issue of vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. Let me repeat that. Most likely transparency, meaning he's not transparent. If it's material to the relationship, he's not transparent or he's not authentic with his feelings. Listen, I've been working on this shit for years. I've been fucking working on communication. It is not something that you can snap your finger. It takes so much fucking work. I mentioned this book. You should read this book. I hear you. I hear you, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. But let me tell you, the reason why most couples go to couples therapy because they're terrible at communicating their needs, wants and desires in a way that's seen, heard and understood. So does that mean you give them another chance? You know what you do, under this one condition, you agree to go to therapy on a regular basis to improve your communication skills. If he's really worthy of your vagina, if he's really values you enough, he will say, absolutely, yes, I'll do that. And if he says, no, we don't need therapy, that's for losers, then he doesn't get your vagina. I'm sorry, I have to put it in these terms, but you guys are sometimes just fucking knuckleheads. And I yell and scream because I feel like your children about to touch fire. And I'm like, I can't say stop because you're gonna go, oh, it's so pretty, that fire. And by the way, and I yell and scream because you guys habitually do this. So you wanna see if he genuinely values you, recommend therapy, couples counseling for better communication skills, and then see what happens after a few months. It's a test, it's a test. Are you willing to do it? Let me know forever, Smiley. Okay, let's see. Let's go swim in, let's go swim in, let's go swim in. Sorry, I'm trying to find, I saw question. Forever Smiley followed up. I actually, and by the way, I apologize if it was tough on you. I actually tried to cut ties three times this week. LOL, does this mean he could be the one? I told him no sex and he was okay with that. Mentioned my beliefs and he ran to take a pick with his Bible. I don't get that. Sorry. I don't like that you said I tried three times and to cut ties, LOL. I mean, look, are you guys standing in your power or are you, listen, unless two people have really, I'm gonna share something in a moment about my own personal life to illustrate this. But unless you have really good communication skills with one another, you can play these games back and forth, but you're gonna be playing games. And sadly, as we age, we don't get, listen, the time in front of us is a lot shorter than the time behind us. This is why I always say, get busy living or get busy dying. Now, couples counseling, that's what I recommend for you forever. By the way, every one of you, I recommend couples counseling to improve your communication skills because that's gonna, because it demonstrates that he values you if he's willing to do it with you. That's my invitation for you. Is this sinking in everybody? Please let me know, give me an amen. Ah, okay, let's keep swimming. Let's keep swimming. Hey, Kimberly from Chicago. So what's the status of you and your Chicago girl? Anything exciting happening? Well, okay, so I'll fess up here. So we had, and I told her publicly that I shared her picture with you all last video. And I don't know if she was annoyed with that or not. She didn't express anything. So, and I told her I'm public with my community. So, but I don't think I'm, I don't feel as though I'm betraying any trust. But let me just share with you something that happened in the last 24 hours of communicating. There has been an expression expressed by both sides of fear, a reluctancy because of the distance. But more importantly is that with the distance that could be a cause for ending the relationship in the future. And so I believe that she's scared and I believe I'm scared. I actually wrote some notes. And I'm not scared, but certainly freaking out which is a level of scared. Now, and what we've been doing is communicating with one another. We're really talking about this from a vulnerable, authentic, transparent way. Vulnerable means there's a fear of rejection. That's what vulnerability means, a fear of rejection. Authenticity means your being as honest with yourself as possible. And transparent means if it's material to the relationship, you're disclosing it. So what I like is that we're both talking about this. Now by talking about it, we are inherently building trust with one another which is incredibly important for a man to ever see a woman as the one and vice versa is trust is built. And this communication is very conscious and it's very caring for each other's feelings. Now, some people will say, you shouldn't get this too deep too early but there's a real, long distance requires a lot more heroic work than just being able to casually hang out with someone that lives nearby. So we're having these really important conversations with one another. We're having these important conversations with one another which I think demonstrates that this means something, that it actually means something. This isn't frivolous, this means something. What I also believe in this communication is that it's intentional. It's intentional, meaning it's mindful and intentional. And lastly, it means we're thinking about the outcome from a very conscientious cautious place which is a very healthy way to approach relationship versus being ambivalent, versus being naive, versus jumping in, versus magical thinking. A lot of people operate from this magical thinking perspective and not from an intentional, mindful, vulnerable, conscientious way. And I think what this says about both of us that it demonstrates that there's a level of readiness, I mean, at least if we're not ready with each other, there's a level of readiness between us because we're having these deeper conversations and most people just jump into relationships. Let's just take it slow or not take it slow. Let's just jump in, we'll have, this will be the depth of our conversation. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Hey, did you ever really bless day? Hey, I hope your day is good. Like that's the level of depth, okay? Homie don't operate that way. I'm going in saying, and I appreciate that she's a bit scared. I expressed, now I think about, when I said I'm scared or uncertain is because I want to be truthful. I don't know until you actually really, truly bond with someone and distance makes it a much harder to do that. I mean, it does make it easy on one sense because when you get together, it's a bubble relationship. You have this great sex together and then you go back to your respective world. So in the moment, it feels great, okay? You have this intense chemistry, you're really into each other. It's the time apart that is the challenging piece. But more importantly, she's trying to determine if I'm legit. I mean, look it, I could be full of shit. I mean, I could be the biggest, I'd like to think I'm not, but this channel could just be a ruse. I mean, it is, gosh, I feel stupid for saying that, but I've had someone say that to me. I'd like to think I'm genuine authentic and transparent, but even I make mistakes, even I am a stupid jackass of a human being. Even I have, I don't want to use the word gaslighted, but I've gotten defensive and sometimes I miss, a matter of fact, I did a video on gaslighting and I got accused of gaslighting when it was just, I was just didn't know how to express myself and such. So, you know, this isn't easy shit. Relationships are complicated because we're all riddled with childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that make it difficult to actually lean into a relationship with one another and it can be scary. I'm scared ever since losing Connor. I'm scared of giving my heart to someone ever since my last significant relationship ended. I'm scared too. The same time, my gut tells me, I don't know if she's the one, okay? So with respects to this title, but my gut tells me she's worth investing in and I've told her that. And my hope is that we build, we create the building blocks and if it doesn't work out, my hope is we do it in a very conscious way. If it doesn't work out to uncouple with each other, if we reach that level of coupling, look it. We gotta get to the next date or the next, I don't wanna say next date, but the next meeting, which is 10 days from now. And then after that, it's gotta be the next one. And I would say after that, I'll get a better sense if this is serious. My hope in sharing all this with you and giving you, now my inner thoughts aren't like most men because I do this shit for a living, okay? Men don't operate the way I operate. So don't put men in my category. I'm a rarity, okay? I overthink things. Oh my God, do I overthink things? My friends are already saying, Jonathan, you're overthinking things, okay? But I do that because I'm protective. It's my nature to be protective of her and I'm protective of myself. Could that mean I might sabotage things? Yeah, that could happen too. But I'm sharing all this with you because the most important thing I want to express here and stress is the importance of vulnerability, intentionality, mindfulness, conscientiousness, and thinking about it from the bigger picture and not the naive things because long distance relationships are a challenge to begin with. But if you're gonna go at it, you better go at it consciously. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Give me an amen, Jonathan. All right, well, I saw some questions come in. This question from Julia, does sex have to be, oh, by the way, Kimberly, let me backtrack. Kimberly, I hope I answered your question. Please let me know if I did. Okay, question, does sex have to be an initial part of dating? Well, listen, most men will not commit or at least be exclusive until they've sampled the goods, okay? It's like shoe shopping. We all gotta do it. So it's part of the process these days. I mean, try my vow, my dating vow ahead of time to weed out the guys who are flaky. That would be my suggestion. All right, I hope that answers your question. SL says, question, Jonathan, I hope you're well. I'm interested in a shy guy who is 41, never married, no kids. How can I get the ball rolling without setting the trend of doing the chasing? You know, I had once a woman say to me, Jonathan, if you asked me out on a date, I'd say yes. And I kind of liked that. And during the date, she said, I like you. So I said, wait, if you ask me out on a date, I would say yes, 12 words. And then she said, I like you. So 15 words, okay, is all you need. Try it, let me know how it works out, SL, thank you. Jennifer says, the lack of depth in dating makes it hard because I try to learn about men and they don't ask me anything. Well, the men you've met haven't, but there are plenty of men who do. You just have to go out with the right ones. If you need help with that, schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Jennifer says, thank you for sharing your story with this woman, helpful for all of us. I'm happy to hear that. That makes me happy to hear it. All right, TMS Jones says, amen. The warrior banner dance minister, I agree, life love. There you go. All right, Sonya says, question. He said we are incompatible. Is that different from poor communication? No, compatibility is not the same as communication. He just means you're not a fit. Move on, next, four letter word, next. All right, Dahl says, question. Was with my guy for two years. He broke up with me three months ago. Still has photos of us on Facebook and showing that he's still in a relationship with me. What the fuck does that mean? I mean, he probably hasn't moved on. Why did he break up? What was the reason for the breakup? But why he's doing that? Why do you care? Dahls, why do you care? Why aren't you folk? A real bitch, babe in total control of herself doesn't care what he's doing. She cares what she's doing. That's my invitation for you. All right, Debbie says, Jonathan, I agree with your assessment on Miss Johnson's situation. May God bless you, Jonathan. I think you're the best one of them. And I want to meet the other one, okay? My clone, thank you. All right, I think we're gonna get, okay. Kimberly says, question, how many actual hours have you spent together this woman? That is confidential. That is confidential, okay? Need life's say. All right, question. Are arranged marriages worthwhile than we give them credit for? Okay, we're gonna wrap up with this question. I love this question. Are arranged marriages more worthwhile than we give credit to? So during my trip to Chicago, when I got picked up at the airport, I was picked up by a young Pakistani man. When I say young, he was 37 years old. And my cab ride was an hour and 20 minutes. So we had an intense conversation. And it turned out, I asked him about his life and he's married to children. Grew up in Pakistan. He had family members here. So that brought him over. And he said, his marriage was arranged. And I said, how do you feel about that? He says, I love it. I love it. I go, why? And he said something very profound. He said, you don't marry the woman or two people aren't marrying each other. It's two families merging together. So you've got his mother and father, her mother and father, her siblings, his siblings. And they're merging this. And whether those siblings have, they're married to one another type of thing. And you're merging families together. And he says, you have the strength of the family to hold and support the relationship. And he says, he loves it. And it made me think about America where we literally kick children out the door at age 18. There's an individuation. There's really a lack. By the way, and then here in America, two families could, I mean, I've seen this happen over and over again where two people get married, but the parents don't like each other and they create tension or they don't like the fiance, or they don't like the groom. I mean, and they undermine the relationship. The families, and by the way, families can undermine the relationship. And also if you're divorced, children continually undermine relationships. So imagine in the Brady bunch where Carol Brady's kids couldn't stand Mike Brady and vice versa would have undermined the relationship. So with arranged marriages, there's a lot, there's a bigger picture involved. It requires really thinking about can these two families merge together? Because here in the United States, we no longer operate from, we no longer operate from tribes, villages and communities. We don't operate from that strength of the tribe. And there's no tribe accountability. That's why when I said, I'm your big brother, if I could be there on a first date and I had the shotgun pointed at the guy's fed because there's a sense of accountability when you have a tribe and these days when you're meeting total strangers, ladies, there's no one to protect you from a stranger. There's nobody to protect you. I don't necessarily mean physically but certainly physically is important. But I mean emotionally. By the way, I had a client recently. I said, look, let me get on the phone with this motherfucker and tell him what a fucking jackass he is, okay? I would do that for a client. I'd get up, matter of fact, if you're dating someone and you want me to get on the phone with them to vet him, I mean, it's gonna charge, I charge a shitload of money to do this. But you know what? I'm your protector. My job is to fair it out. Does he value you or does he devalue you? And because the tribe and the arranged marriages were all about valuing each other, they had a greater chance for success. So to answer your question, which I love wrapping up on that one, arranged marriages actually do have greater sense of success, not always but a greater chance of success. All right, Jennifer says, I like, wait a minute, I like the idea of arranged marriage seriously. Well, there you go. All right, does my content sink in with you? Is it resonating with you? Please let me know. Please give me a thumbs up, hit that like button, share this with your friends, subscribe if you haven't subscribed, tell your friends about my channel. Check out the link to a free discovery call with me. If you can't afford coaching, check out my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for just a nominal fee and I shoot personalized videos just for you. That's my group. Check out my podcast, check out my Instagram, check out my free gift we're doing. Join my mailing list today. Check out the list because I'm doing a free call where you can call in to ask questions next week. So do all that, check out the links below. All right, I think this will be a great place. Did I bring value to you? Please let me know. Say, Jonathan, this was valuable. Please let me know. All right, we're gonna wrap up today as I always do, first off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Renee and Gail. Gail, yes, I would get married again, absolutely. Desert or desert, Heather, Christie, Mary, Diane, Sarah, Hailey, Blanca, enjoy the moment, travel, Jillian, forever smiley, the warrior banner dance ministry, roller girl, Sandra's in the house, Hailey, I think I said that, Lexi, Kimberly, thank you all so much, wishing you a super duper wonderful thing. Bye-bye now, hope this was of value, bye-bye.