 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Let's make some big plans for this weekend. Really live it up. We'll take in a ball game, see a wrestling match, relax with a good movie, and enjoy a couple of top variety shows. And wherever we go, we'll have the best seat in the house. You say you can't afford all that? Well, you certainly can't afford the next best thing, and still enjoy all those wonderful events right in your own home over RCA Victor television. Yes, for the lowest prices ever, you can enjoy the best in television. Your RCA Victor dealer has a variety of television sets designed to satisfy every taste and fit every pocketbook. But get all the facts firsthand. Visit your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow. You'll find it's easier than ever to enjoy RCA Victor television. And remember, for expert installation and maintenance, a factory service contract is available to owners of RCA Victor in almost all TV areas. It's one more reason why more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. It's generally believed that Phil Harris has an overabundance of self-confidence. But between you and me, ladies and gentlemen, it's not true. Recently something happened that seems to have robbed Phil of his self-assurance. It all came to light the other day when he and Alice were talking. Alice, for heaven's sakes, you've been at that writing desk for an hour and a half. What are you doing? Phil, I'm just trying to straighten out the books. I'm more confused than ever this month. Just look at these bills here. They're all addressed to you. Let me see. You spent all this money in all these different places last Saturday night. And it adds up to $119.35. Oh, yeah, honey. I remember that night. That was the night that you sent me out for some 2D fruity ice cream. No, I still don't understand. Here's a bill from Ciro's for $15. One from Macombo for $25. A bill from Romanoff's for $35. Sam's placed $10. Harry's rendezvous $22.50. Jerry's hotspot $24. Joe's bar and grill $17. Phil, I sent you out for a pint of 2D fruity ice cream and you went to 12 different cocktail bars first. Why? Because I had to work up enough nerve to ask for 2D fruity. I've gone through all this mail three times and I just can't understand how she could have left me out. It didn't come yesterday or the day before either. What? What isn't in the mail? Well, it's kind of silly to take a thing so big, but, well, every year, Mrs. Felicia J. Pierpont Greystone, she's the Bel Air Society leader, gives an annual lawn party, and I've always been invited until this year. Looks like I've been crossed off of a list. Alice, this just don't make sense. She should have wanted you to come to the party this year more than any other year because, uh, well, I, uh, put in a good word for you with Mrs. Felicia J. Pierpont Greystone. You didn't. When? You know, the night that I went after the ice cream. She was dancing with some guy at Syros, so I went up to her, gave her a big slap on the back and said, hiya, fatso. You said that to Mrs. Felicia J. Pierpont Greystone? You called her fatso? Hey, Alice, this day must have weighed at least 300 pounds, and the guy she was dancing with weighed about 75. Now, look, you should have seen him together. It looked like a nat pushing a dead beetle uphill. I walked up to old Greystone, walked right up to her, and I said, look, honey, I don't know how much weight you've gained lately, but if the orchestra plays cross over the bridge, don't try it unless you're wearing pontoon. Oh, I can really be diplomatic when I want to. Yeah. I don't know why the State Department didn't send you to the Geneva Conference. We'd now be at war with Rhode Island. Bill, how could you do a thing like this to me? Maybe you don't know it, but when you get crossed off a Mrs. Greystone's list, you're a social outcast. All right. And I've worked so hard to gain an entry to the Bel Air social set, and you have to make it all up. All right, Alice, all right, you're right. I'll admit that you could have been a society leader yourself if you hadn't have married me. Oh, hi, everybody. Oh, hi, Elliott. Alice, there's no two ways about it. Look at the evidence. Who's the guy who ruined every one of your chances to climb the social ladder? Who's the guy that's the fly in the ointment every time? Who's the bum who has spoiled all of your opportunities? Who's the louse who keeps on spoiling them day after day? If you're playing place to face, I think I know who it is. Thank you very much. I didn't catch on till you said louse. Anyway, what's the beat? Oh, I've done it again, Elliott. I insulted Southern California's most prominent social leader, the glittering diamond-studded queen of all Bel Air. You mean Fatso Greystone? I saw her the other day. That kid's ready to be subdivided. Oh, no. Alice, you're left in a hurry. Yeah. She was moving faster than a wet-back with an outboard motor. Pretty funny, huh, Curly? No. Oh, it was not funny. Pardon me, Miss Muffet. I didn't know your tuffet was on fire. Hey, Curly, this fruit bowl's almost empty. Got any salted peanuts? Elliott, how can you stand there eating while I'm in trouble up to my neck? You know something I knew that Alice and I weren't meant for each other all along, well, I never wanted to face it. I'm nothing but a failure through and through. Elliott, there's only one way out. Curly, you don't mean... Yes, I do. I'm gonna kill myself. And right now, I'm gonna jump out the window. But, Curly, you only got a one-story house. Okay, then I'll jump twice. I'll see you later, Merle. I'm going into the den and write a farewell note. It's the only way that I can make amends with Alice. Well, just a second, Curly. I wouldn't be too hasty about this. Think of the consequences. Supposing after you've gone, Alice gradually forgets about you. She might even marry someone else. Elliott, if Alice marries someone else, so help me, I'll come back and haunt her. If it's the last thing I ever do, I'll come back. You know, a stubborn guy like you might make it, Curly. But I'll guarantee it'll be uphill all... Well, I'm gonna write that note now. So, Elliott, if I don't see you again, old pal, I'll revoir. Gee, I can't understand a little thing like this getting Curly down so low. I hate to see him feeling like this. He's usually so ha... Elliott, where'd Phil go? He went in to write a farewell note. What do you mean? He's in the throes of despair, Alice. He figures the way things are, you'd be better off without him. He's gonna do away with himself. Oh, Elliott, do away with himself. Is he threatening to do that again? You mean he threatened to do this before? Last time was when he came in second in the Miss Rhyme Gold contest. Alice, this time I think he's serious. In fact, I've never seen him when he was so lacking in self-confidence. Gee, maybe I'd better go in and have a talk with him. No, no, Alice, I won't do any good. It's gotta be something that'll convince him that he hasn't gummed up your marriage, that his life hasn't been wasted. Hey, wait a minute. Alice, you know that television program? This is your past. Oh, you mean where they review a person's whole life? Yeah, if I could get the producer in that show to make Phil Harris the star. Don't you see, Alice? It would make him feel important again. His life would be a bowl of cherries. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful night. Gee, I just can't get over it. Imagine me being the star on This Is Your Past Tonight. I wonder how they happen to choose me. And, Elliott, how'd you find out about it? Well, I overheard the producer say that the next star of This Is Your Past is gonna be a blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed, handsome, muscular singer of Southern songs. Well, who else could that be but me? Me, the man of Shevitt's mockingbird. Hey, can you imagine what a distinction like this is gonna mean to Alice? She'll be able to hold her head up wherever she goes. Society will welcome her back with open arms. Anybody home? Hiya, Julius. Hi, Mr. Lewis. Odd Buttkins, Nave. Welcome to the castle. Well, if it ain't the Scrub Woman's... I'll tell you, macaroni boy. It so happens that I'm invited to appear on This Is Your Past as the guest star. Now, they're going to dramatize my life. They're gonna dramatize your life? That's right. All laugh, just laugh. The fact remains that being chosen to appear on This Is Your Past is a distinction that goes to very few people. Yeah. They only choose people who have extraordinary lives, and that's him. After all, where would you find another man just like Phil Harris? Stand in front of the rescue mission. They throw one out every ten minutes. Why don't you go out and play hopscotch on the freeway? I'll just bet. He is. He could have been born if he didn't have a father. Really, someday you're gonna drop him through that garbage disposal and the blades ain't gonna miss him. Doers keep trying, trying, trying. You know something, Elliot? Sir, I've been thinking it over, and I am positive that you had something to do with my being chosen to appear on This Is Your Past. I think that you must have put in a good word with the producer. Well, not exactly, Curly. No, no. Don't be modest. Don't deny it. I want you to know something, old boy. I'm very grateful to you, too. You know something? Since this happened, I'm a new man. Well, that's what Alice and I were hoping. Oh, oh, oh. You know, Elliot, I could hardly sleep last night just thinking of all the people who have influenced my life. Just think of the people that have gone by me in all of these years. You know something, last night I was lying in bed and I started dreaming. And all of a sudden, Elliot, I was a small boy again. I was back in school. I'll never forget my teacher. Old Mrs. Mulphy. Mrs. Mulphy was the oldest teacher in school. One day, she got up from her desk and walked over to my desk. Old Mrs. Mulphy leaned over to me and said, How's my little man today? To us kids, she was old Mrs. Mulphy. But what do we kids know? Do you know something, Phillip? The more I look at you, the more I realize you're the best looking boy in the class. Please, Mrs. Mulphy, you're baking the apple I brought you. You are a cute one, Phillip. Let me run my fingers through those blonde curls. When she did that, I used to get kind of squiggly, feeling all over me. Now that I'm grown up, I can explain it. But in those days, they called it fire drill. You know, Elliot, I hope the producer, if this is your past, remembers to get Mrs. Mulphy. Oh, he will. Who else do you figure had an influence on your past? Well, Elliot, my life was changed considerably when the war started, and I volunteered for the Navy through my draft board. When I joined the fleet, my first commanding officer was Admiral Homer Dobkins. Yes, indeed. That's me, Admiral Homer P. Dobkins. I remember very well that Dave Phil Harris became a part of the United States Navy. Had a prizing young scallowag. One Saturday night, he sunk three battleships. Too bad they were ours. That thing he did was perform himself commander of a wave-train ship. There he was, the only sailor on a ship with 1,800 women. That was the year I started smoking. We endeavored to communicate with him several times, but got no response. Finally, we appealed to him to signal with just one wig-wag. It was very confusing. There were 1,800 dames on that ship, and they all walked that way. Oh, but I don't hold anything against Phil Harris. It takes all kinds of people to goof up a world. I always found inspiration in those famous words of Lord Nelson, but he turned to Admiral Farragut and said, I've got the girls, you bring me ice. That Dobkins was quite a character, but I know something that if he's on, this is your pass tonight at 7.30. I know that he's going to say something nice about me, Elliot. Hey, wait a minute, I just thought of something. I wonder if I should call San Francisco and have my old music teacher fly down for the show. Oh, I wouldn't go to all that trouble, Curly. What do you mean? Well, that show is kind of tricky, and who knows, they might change their minds and make the guest star somebody else. The producer didn't exactly say... Well, naturally, he wants it to be a surprise. Hey, look, as a matter of fact, I'd better start practicing looking surprised when he puts that spotlight on me. Now, look, let's just imagine that it's 7.30 tonight. Now, I'm going to be sitting right there in the audience. I like this. That's it. Now, that spotlight is going to be flashing all around the theater, and then all of a sudden, it's going to stop on me. Right. Yeah. Now, you know, some of them people cry when they first get hit with that thing. So I guess I'd better sob a little, too, huh? All right. So the minute that spotlight hits me, I'm going to say... Oh, no! Oh, you don't mean to tell me that you've chosen me. Oh, you should. Oh, oh, no! Oh! What's the matter, son? Didn't Captain Video answer your letter? Oh, oh, oh, hello, Dad. No, Dad, see, I was just practicing my reaction when I appear on that big television show, This Is Your Past. You know, you know the one where they do your life story? Oh, that'll be nice. I'll just sit down a minute, son. I ended limber as I was in my circus days. Sometimes it seems hard to believe when I was with the cells from the circus, I did everything from high trapeze to sword swallowing. Oh, gee, Mr. Harris, I'm very familiar with your family's great talent for swallowing. All right, don't be swallowing. Yes, yeah, I'd have been all right if I'd got stuck with the swallowing swords, but I wanted to go beyond that. I got the swallowing spears and rake handles and pool cues. Then one day I overdid it. I swallowed an umbrella. I got it down all right, but I accidentally touched that little button and it opened up. I wouldn't have minded it, but it happened in a telephone booth. Oh, gee, Dad, why didn't you call someone on the phone? I did, son. I called your mother, but she didn't understand what I was saying. She said, speak up, Dad. You sound like you've got an umbrella handle sticking out of your mouth. Say Dad. Say Dad, what are you doing tonight at 7.30? Nothing, son. Fine. Well, you may get a call to appear on this television show to add some interesting highlights about my life. You know, I owe you a lot, Dad. Well, yes, you do, son. I was a good father to you. I taught you the meaning of independence. I encouraged you at a young age to get married and have children. I didn't want you to wait until it was too late like your father did. Look, on second thought, maybe you'd better not come to the television program, but thanks anyway, Dad. You're not at all, son, anytime. Hey, look, Elliot, I haven't got much time. I want to look real good on that show. I wonder if it'd be a little too obvious if I wore my tuxedo. I look really sharp in a tuxedo. Hey, hey, Curly, I got to tell you something before you go too far. What are you talking about? Curly, I didn't really tell you the truth about your being on This Is Your Past. I didn't think it would do any harm to tell you that they were going to dramatize your life. Well, you see, what I mean is, I thought that you were so downhearted and depressed that you were going to bump yourself off and I thought it would cheer you up if you thought you were going to be on TV. Wait a minute, Clyde. You mean this whole thing was something you made up that I'm not going to be on the show at all? Yeah, Curly. But I did it all because you're my best friend. And, well, now I can see it was the wrong thing. Curly, I'm a heel. Curly, hit me. Beat me. Do anything. Shoot me. No. No, my little left-handed guitar player. Nothing as easy as that. I told you that if you ever did one of these things to me again, that I had the proper punishment for you and the one that you will never survive. Elliot, you're going to the snake pit. The live and death. The Siberia of the music world. Curly, you don't mean it. Yes. Elliot Lewis, I sent you to six months with Lawrence Woe. Oh, honey, you can't really blame Elliot. You were feeling so depressed and, gee, he was worried about you. I know that, honey. I suppose he was, but it's a disappointment to think that you're going to be on that great show This Is Your Past and then have the whole thing blow up in your face. Oh, but I guess I should be glad that I have a pal like Elliot. He tries to do the right thing. That's the way to talk, Phil. Let's just relax and watch a little television. Okay, honey. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another chapter of This Is Your Past, the program that delves back into your life. Tonight we have a special surprise. The guest that we had planned on having tonight won't be here. We were planning on having Phil Harris, but unfortunately he couldn't make it. Huh? A messenger just arrived and told me that Mr. Harris has contracted a severe case of Japanese hooping cough. Oh, there's something wrong here, Alice. But we're not going to be disappointed. I got to talking to the messenger who brought the news, and he convinced me that his life was even more colorful than Phil Harris' and now the spotlight plays over the audience and finally falls on, yes, this is your past, Elliot Lewis. Oh, I've never been so surprised in my life. If I ever get my hands on that guy, I said it before, but this time I mean it. I'm going to tell him something. I'm not going to put up with everything. Well, he does it to me every time. Some baseball game. Why did the umpire call that guy out? I don't know. Everything happened so fast. Kill the umpire! Elliot, put that gun away. I can't help myself on just a bundle of nerds. Look, and I'm going to find out what's going on. How? I'll turn on my super personal radio and hear what the announcer has to say. Then can I shoot the umpire? Maybe I'll join you. Let's find out. Phil, I'd say you've got the right idea. Taking an RCA victor super personal to the ball game. Of course, you can enjoy the games wherever you go when you take along the super personal portable. And it's so easy to take anywhere, anytime. It's only as big as a book. Ways no more than a lady's handbag. And yet, this small, powerful portable gives you big room size volume. It has many exclusive RCA victor features. There's the battery lifesaver switch that can increase battery life up to 30%. Another feature is that the super personal can play up to 10 times longer without battery change than previous personal models. See and hear the RCA victor's super personal portable. Remember, it's the pick of the portables. Phil, don't feel too badly about not being on the program. Another chance will come along. It already has, honey. I just heard. I'm going to be on with Uncle Milti Burl on his program over NBC TV May the 18th. Hey, folks, I hope you give us a look in. Good night, everyone. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Dick LaGrand, Biola Vaughn, Hal March, and Bill Thompson. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Get your portable radio set for summer fun. Take it to your radio service man. He knows portables best. And if your portable needs fresh batteries, chances are he'll recommend RCA batteries. They're radio engineered for extra listening hours. Your radio man has an RCA battery to fit virtually every portable radio. Insist on dependable RCA batteries in the familiar red, white, and black carton for your radio and flashlight needs. NBC Radio Network Presidency. Here's John Cameron Swayze and the news tonight on the NBC Radio Network.