 This would be what is called a YouTube video. I'm smart now. It's fine. Hey guys, what's up? How are you? How are you hanging? I hope you're doing amazing. If you're not, I hope you're taking a spoiler. Bit jolks, because, you know, butter, good ring. Hey, what's up you guys? Welcome back to my channel. If you're new here, hi, I'm Lydia, I'm making to help YouTube videos here on YouTube. Welcome to whatever the hell this community is. Hi, welcome. This story is one that, honestly, I had forgotten about. Come on, sneeze. Are you coming please? No? Okay. I had completely forgotten about this story until my mother reminded me of it. So thank you mom for giving me a video idea. Sure, that was your intention. Those of you who don't know, when I was younger, I had a kind of major psychotic episode. I was hallucinating. I was having delusions. I was paranoid. I wasn't in a good frame of mind. And I'm going to take you back. This story happened before I was diagnosed with any mental health condition. So this takes you way back. This story is something that happened before I started talking about mental health online. Let me be very clear when I say this. When this happened, I had no idea it was happening. I thought it was real. In this video, I'm going to be talking about a psychotic episode that I went through. Quite young age. I was like a child or anything, but I was still younger. I also want to put a disclaimer. This was not drug induced. This was pre-mental health diagnosis. And this is the story of how I got diagnosed as bipolar 1. So this is my first psychosis story. Back in the day, I had this delusion that I was possessed. And demonic, let me, I think I need to first define what psychosis is. Define psychosis. Psychosis means a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. And Syria graced us with the definition of psychosis. This psychotic episode was by far the most severe my mental health has ever been at. In short, I thought I was possessed. Reality checking in here. I wasn't possessed. I went through all my old photos on my old Facebook and I found some pictures that are from when I thought I was possessed. And these images played into the delusion. In short, I just couldn't take pictures of myself very well. And I thought that that was because there was something inside of me controlling me. I was so convinced that I was possessed by some demonic beam that I wasn't in control of anything. I couldn't take photos right. And every time I tried to take photos of this inner demon that was possessing me, my phone would shake and I couldn't get a picture. The reality of the situation, I just couldn't take a picture. But the thing is I was so convinced of it. I was 100% set on the path that, shit, I've been possessed. How'd this happen? And I literally remember doing this. I remember Googling as a kid how to tell if I'm possessed. And I found a lot of the community online that also believed they were possessed. And it played even further into this. And I got so worked up and so undone until it hit the breaking point where I was starting to see, this is why I still have a thing with the shadows. But I saw a figure coming out of the dark towards me and I was convinced they were these evil demons trying to get me and take me with them. I was afraid of every one of them. I didn't go out of the house. I was so afraid to do anything. I was convinced people were out to get me and they were going to get me because there was this inner demon who had claimed me, who was going to take me with them. And I should point out at this point that I had never watched a horror film at all. And now I love horror films. I love watching horrors. This story was so intense because I acted like I had been possessed because that's what my head was telling me to do. And I was like, oh I'm possessed. What am I doing? And I didn't feel in control of anything. I felt like this being had control of me and everything I was doing was because of what was going on. And I did some pretty bad things. I did a lot of things that I'm not happy to admit that I did. I have lived with that guilt for a long time. And I don't even know if I want to talk about it because my mom still hasn't fully forgiven me for it. I haven't forgiven me for it. And I did a lot of horrible things. But I said a lot of horrible things. And to be very honest, I can't recall a lot of the things that I said. I just can't. And it was very hard to deal with. It was hard to get help for. And eventually I can remember this part of this. And a lot of what I'm remembering is both what my mom's told me and what I can vaguely remember. In that time period, my mind was still really scrambled around that time period. I can't fully piece it together. What happened to them for you years? And you've got a better mind that I had no friends. So I had no friends around me telling me that this was delusional or that I was being crazy. I had no one around me telling me that what I was thinking was wrong because I was too afraid to tell anyone what was going on. Because I was like, they're going to experiment. I mean, they're going to think I'm crazy. They're going to think I'm crazy. Like when I went into school, I couldn't just turn around and be like, hey, I'm possessed. I couldn't just walk in and say that because I was convinced that they would then somehow contact these other demonic beings and they would then take me down because they knew where I was. And it got to such a point where when I did go into school, I would either walk to avoid these demonic things that would have been on the bus because, you know, buses are terrifying. I have to laugh at myself now, but at the time it was, I was fearful. And at the time I was also getting bullied, I was bullied severely throughout my entire time at school. And that played into it a lot as well. I was very alone, so I never, like, someone would be like, oh, you need to get some friends. I'd be like, okay, I never would. And I just, I never had friends at school ever. What is that light doing? I want to point out that at the time when this was all going on, I was both paranoid. I was clearly psychotic. And I was seeing things. I was hearing voices. I had all this stuff going on. And the worst point of this was when tactile hallucinations came in, which was at the point where I went into a GP appointment and just broke down, helped me and possessed or something along them lions. And I was hospitalized briefly. It wasn't a lung admission. It wasn't an obsession or anything. This was a very brief admission, which is where I got the diagnosis of bipolar 1. That was the first mental health diagnosis I had. So then we have the aftermath. And I have notes that I wrote down. I wrote down a lot of, like, I don't have it here. My mom, I've got this notebook where I wrote down everything that was getting told to me from these voices and everything I had to do before I died, everything I had to do before I got taken. And I even wrote a note in the front of that book saying, sorry, mom, they possessed me, they got me. I love you. And those of you who don't know, I had a lot of issues with my mom growing up. And to get me to a point that I'm not vulnerable and writing that to my mom, it's a lot. Yeah, I thought I was possessed. The reason I'm telling the story is because I want you to know that psychosis is real and it's hard to get help for when you're going through it. It's so hard to go through. It's very hard to deal with. It's hard to... It's hard to reach out for it because you believe that it... I don't even have to phrase this, but for me, I was so afraid they was all working against me, which is why I'm very capable now of recognizing when people are experiencing things like that. But I can tell when someone's being delusional. Delusions are very common. I'd say it's a pretty regular thing for someone to have an irrational thought here and there where delusions are more than just irrational thoughts. Delusions are what I would like to say is the next level of irrational thought as in then believing and pursuing the irrational thought. And for me, that turned into psychosis, which is a very real thing and if you would like me to talk more about hallucinations, tactile stuff and all of that lovely fun subject of psychosis I'd like me to talk more about the bipolar diagnosis. I'm very happy to because I'm no longer diagnosed as bipolar. I got changed when I was diagnosed with dissociative disorders, which I'm diagnosed with depersonalization and derealization. And when them two came in, the bipolar one diagnosis, it was like, we don't believe you are. You meet the criteria for this. That's no longer that than it was BPD. My diagnosis has changed a lot. If you want me to do more about my entire diagnosis story, that's going to be a long video. I just wanted to tell this story because psychosis is real and it can affect anyone at any age. Age, mental illness doesn't discriminate. Age is irrelevant and while yes, mental health conditions are more common in a certain age group, it's not necessarily that they're the only people who can be affected. Like children can be affected by mental illness. Children can't get to framing it even though it's more common in people 24 plus. Mental illness doesn't discriminate. Age doesn't matter. It can affect anyone. It's time that people stop saying that you have to be a certain age to struggle with things. I get it all the time with the PTSD one especially because I talk so openly about it. I get a lot of comments saying you're too young to have this or there's no way you can struggle like that. You're only 21. Like you can't read all of this to have this. Only people who have been through more than that can have it. I'll make a whole video talking about that because they're the one kind of comments that annoy the fuck out of me and that's definitely a video I need to make at some point. This is then a video. It's never a story time. If you're new here, hit the subscribe button. I talk openly about my mental health struggles and mental health conditions and I also talk about other subjects like Q&A like streams, vlogs. You name it, it's probably on here. Make sure you give me a like. Leave a comment if any video requests or questions you have because I'm planning on doing a Q&A at some point. Also if you don't know, I have a book I need to drop my champagne glass. I wrote this book this year and Edition 2 is going to be released at the end of this year. This is Edition 1. I was talking about it in my livestream yesterday. I do livestreams every single Monday. This book is my baby. I'll leave a link in the description as always. If you would like to donate to me, my PayPal me link is in the description down below where I'm not asking you for money. However, people ask if, hey, can I send you some money? Can I donate to you in any way? Can I help you in any way? Every little help at this point. I'm a broke-ass student, you know? I'm not asking for you money that you don't have to send me anything. PayPal.me link is in the description down below and I will see you guys tomorrow with a new video, sundry videos, every single day this month because why not? And then it may push you into videos every day for eternity. Well, my eternity. As I become immortal, I need to shut up. Just stop. I need to quit and I'm gonna actually shut up and go because I've done like a 10 minute outro. I'm Tana Mojo now. Yes, where's my scandal at? Can I have a scandal? I don't want a scandal. I could not deal with that drama. Thank you. Bye. I can't regret when you alone find your way back home.