 You're listening to highlights from The David Feldman Show, heard nationwide on Pacifica Radio, or as a podcast on iTunes, Stitcher, and now YouTube. Please subscribe to this channel. For more information, go to davidfeldmanshow.com. Thank you for listening. The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you. You sad pathetic humps. Laura House joins us. It's week number seven, still hot and furious. We're in love. Yeah, yeah. Wait, who? Week seven. Yeah, I'm in, it's week seven of this relationship. It's going very well. You're in Hollywood and you're in love. In Hollywood, two unicorns found each other. It's wonderful. He's a trumpet player. Yes, he's a professional jazz trumpet player. He's about to go to Europe to tour with an orchestra in Amsterdam and London, which I'll, I say this because I'm bragging. It sounds very fancy. Then he's going to Ireland to meet an artist that he enjoys. So he's just going to meet him, which I find very deep and fancy. And then he's coming back and he's doing some shows in Las Vegas with Kevin Eubanks. So this dude's got it going on. And he plays with Oingo Boingo. And he plays with Oingo Boingo. And he plays with your Oingo Boingo. Oh, Kazoo! As much as possible. What? Seven weeks. Sometimes I'm like more Oingo, less Boingo. If you know what I mean. And like nobody really knows, but you just kind of try to figure out the context. Yeah, we, there was a fun thing that we did a couple of weeks ago where it was a work thing for him. And he was like, hey, will you go with me to this work thing? This other musician's been inviting me and I really know what it is. I'm not going to know anybody there. And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And it was like a time with Deepak Chopra. And I was like, hey, do you know who this is? And he was like, oh, he's a writer, right? And I was like, oh boy. So like just to explain to someone who Deepak Chopra is. And I'm like, yes, he is a writer. Yes, he's written like 80 books, but he's, I don't know, he's this doctor meditation guy. And then on Oprah a lot, do you know who Oprah is? Like then you're just like, what do you, what do you not know? I'm just breathing deeply whenever you say Deepak. Oh yeah, no, there you go. Yeah. His name has that effect of like, oh, you know what? I didn't really hear the details because I was just like floating. Yeah. Yeah. So I went to this small party. It was like a CD listening party. I mean, there was live performances and Deepak Chopra led a guided meditation. Wow. And I got a picture with them, which I was embarrassed to do, but I was also like, if I as a, as literally a professional meditation teacher, Poo Poo's the opportunity to get a picture with Deepak Chopra. Maria Dummy. Yeah. Was he nice? Yeah, he was nice, but he was also just kind of a, I think the people there because it was music related. It was like Grammy voter related. And so my boyfriend still isn't sure why he was invited, but we had a nice time. He was like, I don't know why they, if someone thinks I vote for the grant, I don't really know. But anyway, the guy who was behind it all was like, there's a big fan of my boyfriend or whatever. So he invited him. It was great. And so yeah, it's like a new age album is coming out that Deepak sings on. Yeah. It's being produced by Biggie Smalls people. I'm thinking of Tupac. Oh, right. Tupac Chopra. No. Well, you know, Deepak, they've got West Coast, East Coast meditation. The gang signs are like, you know, when you have to hold your hand when you meditate, this is a better bit in person. I hear a West Coast meditation ever stops. Yeah. Yeah. No, there ain't no meditation like a West Coast meditation. West Coast meditation takes you all the way into the beyond. Yeah. So does he drink at parties? Deepak? I didn't see him drink. But also there wasn't, it wasn't a nighttime part. It was like a five to seven CD listening performance thing. There was like a guide. I don't, there wasn't alcohol there. So I wouldn't know, but he, he can, he's allowed to drink. What, why are you, do you think he can't drink if he wants to? I'm just curious if you can get that in touch with the universe. Do you need alcohol? Maybe you just enjoy out. Maybe you just enjoy some wine or something. Do you ever meditate? I don't know why you're taking a stand on this. Do you ever meditate high? Do I? Yeah. Well, David, you just hit upon a whole new topic that I'm glad to talk about in eight, nine, ten, in eight days. I'll be 10 years sober. Congratulations. Thanks. So no, I don't meditate high. I have, I guess we're early on, but. We should mention that you are, you are one of the world's leading meditators, TM, some things, meditators. Yeah. Not TM, but I do meditate and teach meditation. I don't know that I'm one of the leading meditators. I heard you're one of the top meditators. No, I, people come from far and wide just to watch me meditate. Look at the, look at the technique, the way she closes her eyes. And you have a podcast where you help people meditate. Yeah. I have a podcast called will you med with me? Which I like the name, but maybe it doesn't make sense, but maybe it will in a year or two. How often do you do it? You're like, Med, how often do I meditate or do the podcast? Both. I meditate every day, usually twice a day. And the podcast I'm less disciplined about. I try to put out one a week, but I took like a little time off, but I put one out last week. So I, it behooves me to put another one out this week. It's hard to, how have you done it consistently for years? I'm a moron. Oh, okay. I have no pride. Oh, okay. I just hope people understand whoever is listening to me that like, Hey, I don't know. I didn't just didn't do it. I didn't do it sometimes. You don't have like a hard and fast deadline that you stick to. No, because I don't, there's nothing motivating it. Like what about your listeners? Yeah. There are some people who listen to it, but I don't, I don't, I don't really, they're not really in touch with me. Like, you know, no one is like, Hey, where's your podcast? Or like nobody, nobody, it doesn't seem to bother when if I make, bother, bother anyone if I make it, or if I don't. So I just kind of, do you ask people to communicate with you? I know we just, I teach comedians, usually comedians or writers, funny writers. No, I'm saying on your podcast, you say, go to my website, hit the contact button. No, I hear what you're saying. And now I guess, no, I don't do that. I guess I should. I do it, which is why you're on the show. Hmm. People love you. Okay. So, but not you. I wouldn't otherwise be on the show. I do what my listeners tell me to do. Wow. All right. You hear that listeners, tell them some weird stuff to do. So they may be pranking me, but you're one of our most, most requested guests. It's time to recommend Jell-O in the underwear. Do a whole show with Jell-O butt. Hey, get a website for your podcast. I would assume you already do have a website for your podcast, right? I mean, I have LaraHouse.com and then it has all my stuff on it. Well, when you do your podcast, say, tell me what you like. Tell me what you dislike. They will communicate with you and you will discover, unless you ask, your listeners aren't going to tell you that they're listening to you. And this way, yeah, you have a dialogue with them. And it's a perfect relationship because it's personal, but not too personal. You know, I like talking to my listeners. I really do. Do you ever hit on them? I don't want to spoil the fantasy. They are convinced that I'm a 58-year-old man with hair transplants. Doing the show in a blue Oxford button down and baggy khakis from Brooks Brothers. Oh, I see. Freshly shaven, except around the face. Oh, wait, but. I shave my legs for every podcast. OK, that's nice. That's what the BBC used to do. The BBC had a long tradition. They would wear tuxedos when they stood in front of the microphone and they shave their legs. I think they know that at Eaton. OK. Were you intimidated by Deepak? Did you talk to him? Did you tell him that you're doing his thing? That whole Eastern philosophy? First, it's not his thing. It's been around. I mean, it's a thing he's made zillions of dollars promoting as well as other things. But it's not his thing. It's an ancient. The tradition predates language. It's an ancient Chinese secret. Or is that Riseroni? Kind of. Kind of. I know that was a laundry. That was like all temperature. Oh, OK. But in Riseroni. I guess there's a lot of secrets in everything. No, you know, he wasn't intimidating at all, which was was nice. I teach intimidation. Intimidation. OK, intimidating meditation. Intimidation. Were you tell the universe to go eff itself and threaten? How does that work? Is that relaxing? I guess your juice is going. OK, OK. So not relaxing. All right. No, that's fun. You were saying something about Deepak. No, I know he just seemed he seemed very regular. It's, you know, mostly like a guy like that is at this point, I mean, I don't know if he put on more of a persona early on to kind of get like America. Americans really respond to like, oh, this guy is important and anything that's sort of like if we put it in a spiritual context, then we, I think, mentally, culturally associated with religion, which a lot of us were like, I was raised Episcopalian and of course, there's Catholic where like, oh, you know, is that like a real religion or is that just a thing to get into a country club and keep everybody else out? Episcopalian? No, they would never they don't belong to country clubs. Lutheran, but Catholic-ish. It's like Catholic light. Like it's it's not that sounds like a Protestant thing, like what you just described. Is Episcopalian the closest we have to Anglican? Yes, it's Anglican. It's Anglican. I won Episcopalian church I went to was called Anglican Catholic, which in college, once I got to college, I was like that, you can't call it that. That doesn't make any sense. It would be the closest of England, it's the church of the Queen of England. So it would be the closest to Catholicism because it's Henry the 8th's Yes. Breakaway religion that it's it's his yes I can get a divorce religion. And and the priests can have sex. Um Yeah, I mean not in front of everybody. Like they're not like look how open but yes there they can be married and and stuff. And is there an epidemic of altar boys being touched? Not that has been revealed. So there's not a scandal of no priests touching no, there's not much excitement around Episcopalianism at all. So it was not a scandal not not a hey they service starts at 10. How long how long of the services? You know an hour so I feel like Episcopalians know they can't get away with holding you in there for very long. Do they have confession? No, you know some of my at mine didn't because that was part of why I left. I was like I was like 12 and I had seen like confession and stuff on TV and I didn't realize that was just Catholic but because it looks really similar to Episcopalian. So I asked the priests like hey can I do confession I don't know what I had done that I felt really bad about but something I'm sure and I was like kind of do confession. He said oh we don't really do that but you can you know pray to Mary you know that and have Jesus as the intercessor and take it to God and I was like what? It seemed like a weird game. Sounds like going to the DMV. Yeah it sound like a weird game of telephone I felt like. I'm sorry you're in the wrong line you want to speak to Jesus. Why don't you tell me that. You don't speak directly to fill out this form then Mary gives it to Jesus and then he'll sort through and he'll pass on what he feels is important to God. Oh the same God that you keep telling me in Sunday school loves me blah blah blah like well I can't leave that due to message so I became Baptist but my point is in this I yeah I became Southern Baptist like I got real religious. How that happened. I was people at my school in junior high like Cindy Jackson she went she went to the first Baptist church and I went to like you know they recruit people like that's part of the deal of like first Baptist church is like if you don't believe exactly this you go to hell like if you don't believe precisely this and Jesus as your savior and you specifically invite Jesus into your heart you will burn forever in a literal fiery hell. I like that. I do. It's very clear they're not like well Methodist that's basically the say or whatever I didn't even know how they feel about Methodist but they're like no no this is this is the one thing and but they also have that like Jesus as your friend like Jesus is everywhere and you talk to Jesus all day and I like that. Does it make for obedient family members? Yeah because it's the fire and brimstone kind of stuff. I like that. I think I would have been a happier man I liked it. I liked it in junior high like that was my because my parents were like what are you doing because they drink and stuff they were like this is crazy but I don't know you find your way through life somehow and that's what I liked and then but it was also very social like they had like a gym and like they had Wednesday night church and youth group stuff and you went on mission trips and choir trips and you know so it was a very like um youth active thing um so I that I'm sure appealed to me as well. But they were homophobic yeah yeah yeah I didn't know what that was until I went to college. I didn't know what anything was I went to college. And they made you feel guilty about sex well you weren't to have sex before you were married. And were you allowed to have sex for enjoyment after you were married yeah there was actually like they did a youth group you know sex talk one day or whatever in this married couple they were like this is totally to be enjoyed for married people just not outside of marriage not before marriage is not safe to do that and it's not safe for your soul because the idea is that when you make love with the person your souls unite forever so you can't just do that with a lot of people like what a mess what a mess that'll be in heaven does any of that make sense how do you explain to people in the 21st century that there's a reason they teach that um yeah well I mean I think it makes sense like lots of beliefs of like you know you believe this one thing and then little by little you you accept the details you know um well let's talk about sex oh okay sure everybody thinks sex isn't that important until it's time to have it oh right do people not think it's important I mean in this country it's like what's the big deal it's just sex come on lighten up lighten up and then when it comes time to actually get naked and have the sex there's a pamphlet that you have to read and you have to go out over the manual and make sure you understand all the parts who are you dating a pamphlet a Ford Fiesta um was it I can't even pull up this joke was it Thomas Moore who made the pamphlets to talk about who was the economist oh Luther Martin Luther where are we going with this I'll come back in an inappropriate amount of time with pamphlets oh Thomas Payne yes Thomas Payne see there what are you dating Thomas Payne see that would have been but I could I was like Thomas and the I didn't pull it off I'm sorry everybody yeah don't don't tell David you hate me these are the bits that try men's souls so there's a pamphlet you have to know the okay so what's your point with we act like sex isn't a big deal but you're saying it's very hard and you can't do it well if it's hard I can do it hey oh we'll be right you're saying sex is too difficult and you're not any good at it what no I'm I'm saying that everybody in America in America America has this it's just sex it's just sex but it's not just sex I feel like everyone in America like on the surface at least like freaks out about sex no it's the other way around in different ways I feel like it's in Europe that they're like it's what are you so weird about or whatever right I think the Europeans have sex I think they're like bonobo monkeys and I think in the United States all we do is talk about sex we're obsessed with sex we like to pretend it's not that important but the minute I see the minute it turns to sex it gets important suddenly the relationship takes on a new meaning oh I see what you're saying like like you don't look at other people now we've had sex that sort of like I've had sex with you so like now I'm gonna I can make a lot of rules is that is that the idea that you're maybe are you in that area are you in that area is that you are you in the area of of pants I am I'm not talking about your current relationship yeah no I yeah I get in that area I have a theory my last relationship he never really commit I mean ideally you establish all that before you have sex with them and if you can't trust them enough that like hey this person is with you then don't have sex with them and and don't date them anymore but no my last it was very trying because it was like he always see you know we was very flirty and sort of things with with other people that's not good yeah and I felt like yeah and then you then you just it's bad it's bad feeling flirting with other women like I completely shut down my flirt machine and then I quit drinking I have I have no game with women yeah because if you're not drinking and you're not by nature a flirt it's but you're funny so that's a great amount of game I'll tell you this because my current guy would describe himself similarly he drink he can drink but he doesn't drink a lot but he would describe himself as like I don't have any game he would be like on dates like this is as much game as I have I don't really but like he was just charming by being nice and then he's funny you're fine I know I don't like to do the Catherine Hepburn Spencer Tracy back and forth what do you just want to hit somebody with a club over the head and go do it well that is doing it for me well that's I'm done what are you so you don't like banter I like laughing but you know I I don't know I don't want to do the word play okay just feels unnecessary do you date maybe alright I don't know I was gonna make a bet I can't you know what I'm too old to I can't I call it dating oh I could I'm not gonna go there I could say she calls it customer who stands in line too long at Starbucks talking to me I was gonna go with she calls it customer period well we went to the same oh customer oh hookers I see well maybe no I I had you a customer at Starbucks which is less gross is it I don't know anymore or is it I don't know so stupid casual sex this is my theory about casual sex there is such thing as casual sex but not for both people oh somebody in heavily likes the other one I don't know I think there's casual sex for the you know what here's I have a question that let's get into this topic neither of us know anything about I don't know anyone who engages in casual sex or claims to enjoy it who isn't kind of an emotionally broken person boys and girls no girls I guess there are some I think of some boys I know some comedian boys who have like come to some kind of terms with you know they have sex sometimes it's no big deal but for the most part it's it's sort of broken boys and girls who are like no no it's like no no it's fine like almost like honestly on my deepest level I've decided I'll never really fall in love with someone so I you know but I'm not a monkey there so I'm just gonna I'm you know I have sex with people like no big deal but really you don't think you can fall in love with somebody but really it hurts no no I do I'm saying that casual sex havers and when I have looked for that I've done it that was where I was coming from was like you know on the surface it was like yeah who cares it's just sex whatever but deep down it was I don't think anybody's really gonna love me anyway like I don't think I'm gonna get that like some great relationship so I might as well do this does that make sense yeah I'm just that who's having casual sex or do you think there are people who are like look I love myself I like myself one day I'll have a relationship I'm not interested in that now and sometimes I'm attracted to people and we have sex and they're everything's fine I don't know I'm just trying to figure out how to wedge in a autoerotic asphyxiation reference I think I have one I hate when I'm wearing suspenders and a woman has to have casual sex with me and I don't have a belt to wrap around my neck alright it was pretty good Dave do you think that it's just broken people having casual sex? I get into trouble with women because there is a theory that I've heard from men professors who claim that women who well it's been disproven but there's this guy who I had on the show who says that women who jump from bed to bed tend not to have orgasms and they're working out some kind of issue that has nothing to do with pleasure that's what I was told and then I've been told by women we like going from bed to bed and having sex with strangers I am staying out of it I don't want to get into trouble so I guess the truth David is that different people have sex for different reasons but all women are the same some sleeping no all women are the same no for sure no I I just as much as I've because I I was a young person and the sex in the city show was telling us we should be good at sex and we should get to have it and everything's fine and sex in the city should be good at writing jokes they build entire scenes based on a pun yeah no that's for sure but yeah so I I was like yeah I want to be like that but I don't know I guess I just know for me personally I'm not really made that I wanted to be like that it seemed cool do you think all men are the same no god no ask me a question about men I can answer any question about men I don't have any questions about men do you think gay men have to read books about picking up other men is there a guide to picking up men for men I don't know I'd have to ask my gay friends do you think there's ever been again this is a terrible sweeping generalization do you think there's ever been a gay man who has said I have no game yeah really yeah I think there are insecure gay men and shy gay men and yeah I don't think every gay man is like you know oh I love music that sounds like I don't think they're all the same like love the gym and you know whatever yeah in fact a gay friend of mine said to me recently he was like I want a boyfriend but I'm like I don't feel great about my body right now so I don't know I'm just a little lonely or whatever like that's not in your stereotype interesting and I think there's also straight men so is your idea kind of like men just want to have sex and if a woman approaches them they're like gonna go for it is that what you were going for I don't know I'm just throwing I'm afraid to say anything alright well forget it I don't know I was watching this is a bad topic if it's the one thing you're afraid to say something no I just went to the gay pride march in my shorty shorts and my tank top yeah and I was looking did you have a rainbow painted on your chest yes yes obviously and a pot of gold so I'm looking at everybody and they're pretty happy and they're fun sure and they're sexual I guess that's not every gay person no it's not but the preponderance of people marching are strutting their stuff and I was just wondering I doubt there any books for gay men on how to pick up guys I don't think they have a problem but that's prejudicial and that's based on a stereotype that gay men are hyper sexed which is not true maybe I stirred up but that may just be based on a fantasy of like you know we can kind of fantasize like oh like life is easy for other people like I always had like you know oh beautiful women they don't have these problems you know like beautiful women are like dumped all the time are used or whatever else but like as a normal looking let's say woman you can be like oh but if you're really beautiful it's easier or like oh if you're richer then life is easier or whatever so I think it's almost like magical thinking that like well gay guys you know it's hard for straight guys to get said it wasn't easy for gay guys I just think like that's probably not entirely true well actually but let's hear it from our callers we'll take caller 10 I would think before the parades it must have been impossible for gay men to flirt for fear of being hurt yeah I mean there's movies about that I think that explains the celebration and why some of them are so flamboyant yeah no for sure because they were told to be quiet for so long and you could that yes it comes out very loud now but also you know like you're looking at can I just speak to that for a second because it's your show unfortunately I wish I know everybody listening remembers when you used to host this thing remember when it was me and Jerry Stahl good times I would think if it's the 1950s you're gay and you see a guy he's conflicted and there's some kind of flirtation going on I would say 90% of the time one of the two chickens out and says what are you looking at what what did you and then there's a punch right I would think that happened a lot sure yeah I would think yeah I would think there's a lot of confusing and I think that is why there's this flamboyant so there's no doubt it's like I am gay I am gay I am gay come on to me I'm gonna come on to you let's be up front here so there's no bait and switch here I think that's why there's a tendency to to flaunt now sure I get that but I cannot wait for the listener of yours makes the sound bite I am gay I am gay I am gay that you just gave us it makes it their ringtone that's what I'm most excited about in my life right now I wish I wish there was conversion therapy to turn men gay because I would take it I would take it that's a fun see that's how you're a comedy writer that's a fun sketch well I'm being serious here I think my life would be easier right now but I know but I think a lot of people would feel that way also it's very funny of like yeah I'd rather have that life that looks like fun well I understand men even gay men I understand women I don't I cannot figure out you treat each of us as individuals and just try to figure out one that you like a lot you mean treat a woman like a human being yeah that would be like treating my cat like a dog okay you know what well that just makes no sense what I'm I don't think men and women are I don't think we're the same type of human being well I mean everybody wants to be loved so right after that it's just details right yeah but I think I think that men and women are profoundly different don't you profoundly I mean I don't know I feel like there's so many types of people that I feel like if you're let me ask you a question like as a heterosexual woman I need to find a heterosexual man that like makes a match with me in a way that feels good to both of us and I feel like if you're a homosexual woman you find a homosexual woman who is a match with you and some aren't and some are you know what I mean all right have you ever fantasized in LA traffic you see a handsome guy with a beautiful date in a BMW and he hunks his horn and he smiles at his girlfriend and he's got the chicklet white teeth and the tan and the full head of hair and he doesn't even realize that he honked his horn at you have you ever fantasized about getting out of your car dragging him out of his car and with your fists pummeling his pretty face as his girlfriend watches and he's totally humiliated and she loses all respect for him and he can no longer get it up for her and they break up and for the rest of his life he remembers that moment when I got out of the car and beat him to a bloody pulp in front of his beautiful girlfriend and he learned a lesson never to honk his horn again have you ever fantasized about that um partway I feel like you fantasize like a pretty good movie outline that's the difference between men and women the more detailed screenplays women don't fantasize about beating up a good looking guy in front of the good looking guy's girlfriend but wouldn't our version be we would fantasize about if we're heterosexual beating up a good looking woman no you don't do that would that be my fantasy to be like ugh I'm just I'm going to beat the crap out of Blondie right because women have that a lot no they don't women don't really visualize beating up somebody where you start salivating no we're not we're not dogs David but yeah I think women have violent feel that yeah not all the time not all the time let's take color 10 not all the time the way men do okay then not all the time I mean there is a testosterone difference between the two genders do you enjoy watching mixed martial arts do you enjoy watching boxing no right and so most of the women who come but I also don't enjoy watching real housewives or other stuff that you might go women watch this I think most of the women like the bachelor like I don't watch the bachelor but like that's something you would stereotypically say well women watch that also that's kind of a woman's version of fighting actually now that we're on the topic is he's not going to like her because she's a this or that guys that like it's sort of like with emotional with relationship be things are like where women sort of fight more does that make sense to you I think women can figure out ways to hurt each other that men don't even realize that something's been hurt it would be more of like if you want to get back to go I want to have her ex call her on her the night before her wedding and beg her to come back and so she calls off the wedding and then when she gets to her he's like not really like that would be like that would be the female version of like what you were talking about just beating a guy we're like no no I want the deepest pain I wanted to hit her at her core and she'll never forget and she'll basically never smile again that's what I want to do yes yeah I don't understand that do women it's more satisfying do women because I bruises heal because they bruises heal so if you beat up a guy like his beautiful face is going to grow back yeah but if you destroy someone at their emotional core let me ask you about women how many do you want and how much money do you have yeah do you have close female friends yes a bunch seriously yes and do you get on the phone while your boyfriend is sitting there and do you have a competition talking to your girlfriend to see who could bore who could be the most boring of the two I have a theory I have a theory that women I think women have conversations in front of their spouses or their boyfriends to see who can out bore the other okay that's not what they're doing they're talking and there's no way they could possibly be having this conversation but for the reason of boring each other to death this is hostility this conversation so you're finding what they're saying boring right that's what's happening here why is your girlfriend on the phone while you're there why isn't she enjoying you well there you go that's not a good girlfriend so to me anything after that she's not a great girlfriend do women have to give a play by play relationship to their female friends yes really yes yes a couple of reasons one I would say I'm going out on a limb on all of this I have not consulted other women but when I talk to women about my relationship and sometimes it's a I mean I just have very close friends it's like this is good right it's like maybe I don't totally trust my because your friends know if you're in a good relationship or not a good relationship and so then you have to tell all your secrets to them I tell a lot of things to some friends and it's also so if things take a turn like let's say in three months it's like we hit a rough spot and this this or that happened I'm not just going hey I've never told you this but I've been dating someone for three months and it was really good until the blow but it's like so I'm current with someone and what and for one you're sharing what's going on your life another hey things are going well I'm sharing this thing that's good and then my friends are happy for me oh this is so I'm so glad you're with someone who appreciates you because I know you that that wasn't the case for so long hang on a do you feel you're violating his privacy no it's my relationship and discussing it with your friends and B do you really think they want your relationship to succeed especially if they're not in one yes my friends do look there are I feel like you're talking about the shallow example of humanity and you're saying men are like this and women are like that but there are lots of people who are really loving people and really good friends and who actually want something good to happen for their friends we're not talking about the gray areas we're not talking about people on the margins we're talking about real human beings do you think so a good someone a loving person is on the margins oh yeah in this country yes okay alright then I can't I can't pull from my hang on hang on hang on hang on you have a female friend and you're talking about your relationship if she is not in a relationship how can you be a hundred percent certain that she really cares whether or not your relationship succeeds don't you think she has to be filtered through her jealousy her resentment that you're having relations and somebody loves you don't you think she hates you and wants to sabotage your relationship because she's going to lose you to him uh no but I'm trying to think like a shitty person yes if she's a shitty if she's a shitty person and I'm a shitty person and that's why we're friends mostly then yes I can see how if I'm like oh my god I'm dating the greatest guy he's an Oingo Boingo she would be like oh that's great for you and I wish I were dead I think it's I don't forget what tells the gentleman who passed away who invented the humble brag yeah I think when women are talking to their girlfriends about their boyfriends it's a humble brag in that oh well last night he wanted to have steak and I wanted to have lobster so we went to Ruth Chris steakhouse and they were all out of lobster and I said well we can go someplace else and he said let's stay here and I thought well he doesn't really care about my needs but what you're really saying to your friend is not that he ate steak when you couldn't eat your lobster you're really saying isn't my life great and you're all alone watching dancing with the stars by yourself eating Haagen-Dazs over the sink you pathetic loser I have a boyfriend isn't that what it's all about uh yeah you're right David that's that's totally what it's when a girl is talking I guess I mean I guess it is for a lot of people I don't know it seems like such a waste of life when you talk to your girlfriends about your boyfriend it's kind of like complaining about your Maserati always needing to go into the shop yeah um I will admit in on my shittier I think with my last boyfriend I I was so impressed by him I did I was excited to tell people about he he was like shiny impressive to me um and then with this one I feel more like oh my god this is this I mean it is neat what he does and I respect it but I'm just like I feel really good with this guy I don't really care what anyone thinks but you're intimate with somebody mm-hmm go on shouldn't he or she trust that it's between the two of us um I don't know I'm a professional storyteller so I nothing I do is ever going to be off limits for me to talk about if I feel like talking about it you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they tell you something how they feel about you yeah for example as you know I like to tie a belt around my neck to heighten my bowel movements it has nothing to do with sex and I share that with you right so I have to worry that you're gonna go run to your girlfriends and say hey is this normal I'm dating this really nice guy David Feldman and when he has to go to the bathroom he borrows my belt so he can wrap it around his neck to heighten his bowel movements he says it's better if he's getting less oxygen to the brain it's a healthier BM would you would you tell that to your friends and ask them if that's normal yes a hundred percent and then suppose I told you it's normal can't you take my word for it that it's normal nope nope nope would get that information from you and just go I mean look here's your unicorn is you find a woman who goes oh my god I do that too then you found your girl otherwise literally everyone else is going to tell somebody and I can tell you what their response is going to be so it's kind of like being that gay man in the 50s you have to live a quiet life and not discuss what you need with other people because you're an open book everybody talks about everybody else right I guess that's a way to think about it I just think of it as like to me things I tell my best friend like it's not like I'm betraying a confidence it's like I share my life with my friends so I'm not you know like there's a level of telling people things that's gossip and then there's a level that's like yeah I'm you know I'm confiding in you or I'm you know looking for support or whatever maybe this is why we need to bring confession to the Episcopalians I think if you were able to confess you wouldn't need to go running to your girlfriends maybe that was it why do they have confession so people get things off their chest privately I think in the Catholic church there's confession because literally you have to confess your sins to like be forgiven otherwise you're not forgiven if you don't officially confess your sins that's also a release right yeah because they also you're not allowed to do that in there what I find if they also give you penance of like you know say these prayers and etc and then you'll be forgiven hmm well this has been very interesting I didn't think we would have anything to talk about and we didn't get to what I really wanted to discuss which is what I forgot oh boy what were you gonna we're gonna talk about something um Stephen Hawking says Trump is murdering the earth but what does he know yeah what does he know about the earth he's a big picture guy he's all about the universe but he doesn't know anything about specifics yeah is it Trump who's murdering the earth you know that as part of pulling out of the climate accord and that sort of thing you know the other like I love that the big businesses are like what the earth is huge that is so arrogant to think we're hurting earth it's such a weird anyway it's pretty scary isn't it what are you doing for July 4th today is July 4th do you feel free um yeah I feel free I mean it's still a great country even though there's so much wrong with it right right now um particularly um and many things overall but um I feel pretty free of I am going to my I'm such a girl right now I'm sorry I'm sorry but my boyfriend his quartet plays jazz at a rooftop restaurant in downtown LA every Tuesday and it happens to fall on July 4th so I'm going to that with a friend okay Emma Stone yeah it's it's the middle part of La La Land that's where I'm at right now and when you get into a traffic jam does everybody break out into song I hope so probably on the way down there yeah we'll be like I love that movie I love that movie I do oh good then you're not dead insane I didn't say that somehow it made its way through now I am fried but I have to keep going does meditation unfry the brain um over time it does and in the immediate it is a uh respite it's a recharge it's sort of the simplest um visual sort of way to think of it if you take like a jar um a clear jar of water and you put some dirt in it and you shake it up it's dirty muddy water and then you just set it down and after a few minutes like it's clear basically that because the dirt is settled that's in a very cosmetic sense that's sort of what you're doing when you meditate is like you're still you're getting still and your mind calms which gives clarity it gives rest it gives recharge yeah I can't stop that's the problem you can well I wanted to this week I was going to take this week off I could stop you yeah you could do it because you're just doing it for like three minutes at a time five minutes at a time like what do you what do you spend in the bathroom every day like 20 30 minutes like you you have that time what huh so yeah you can you can take the time to meditate and it's um and you know all your everything you're mad about is still going to be there I'm just trying to visualize you and I married oh god and I go hey I have to go to the bathroom where's my belt and your eyes roll and you go I gotta get out of this I can't hang it first of all I would have if you've ever asked me that before I would have just started wearing the towels that's disgusting like it's where the towels are why you put it around your neck I don't want my belt I don't want my belt in the bathroom where all the germs are that's the same reason I don't leave my toothbrush in the bathroom that's on your that's unreasonable that would be that would be the weirdest part of your belt thing to me if I'm going to wrap a belt around my neck while I'm doing a BM I want the belt to be clean I don't want it sitting in a bathroom where strangers have been then I would say who what strangers are going into your bathroom I would do this at a Greyhound station okay then that's you're being so unreasonable David you know when we got there your your belt is wrapped in the ziplock bag it's put in the leather like it always is I explained to you and you know how the directions the Greyhound bus station when we got married I had one caveat that I'm a normal Christian white heterosexual male however the only way I can relieve myself is a Greyhound bus station during rush hour mm-hmm and you accepted that I explained that to you something happened to me when I was growing up I remember we had a Greyhound a dog a Greyhound who once rubbed my nose in his own okay go ahead you get the last word you're disgusting hahaha how do people reach you Laura House I'm Laura House yes and are you on Facebook are you on Facebook yeah I'm on Facebook but Twitter is more interesting for this sort of thing and um I have a monthly show at the Hollywood improv called how to hate yourself if you live in LA come see it 7 with Dana Gould wow how to hate yourself with Dana Gould I could listen for hours and where is this at 7 o'clock on Saturday at the improv that's a great show that's a great show stay on the line for one second