 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Bruce, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. This is Phil. Now here's a word from RCA Victor. This is the season when practically every American's idea of paradise is a grandstand seat at the ballpark. Yes, it's baseball today, the American way. Now, the next best thing to a real seat in the bleachers is an easy chair in front of your own RCA Victor 19 inch television set. Where you see the games in pictures, the big bright size, the just right size for any living room. Pictures so realistic you can all but smell the dust of the ballpark. The kind of pictures that make RCA Victor television million proof, proven in over two million homes. Yes, inch for inch, RCA Victor 19 inch is your best buy in television, and you can get your set tomorrow. That's right, RCA Victor dealers have a big range of RCA Victor 19 inches on display right now. So insist on the best, insist on RCA Victor 19 inch, inch for inch, your best buy in television. Mr. Scott of RCA Victor has called Phil and told him an emergency has arisen, and he wants him to have the entire cast of the show at NBC this morning at 10 o'clock. It is now 10 minutes of 10, and Phil and Alice are just about to enter the studio. Look honey, Mr. Scott said that this was going to be an important meeting, so when we get into rehearsal, well I'll just have to lay the law down to the boys in the band, and well I'm going to have to tell them just how to act. You like to live dangerously don't you? Well if you rub those fellas the wrong way they'll tell you limb from limb. Yeah I know it's kind of dangerous, but they got to be told, and I'm the guy that's... Hey wait a minute, I got an idea. What? You tell them. Me? You expect me to stand up in front of those 27 headhunters? Why you after my insurance money Clyde? Now wait a minute. You got nothing to worry about, they won't hurt a woman. They're a man eating tribe. Look honey, if they start coming at you I'll drive them back with a fire hose. Now will you do it for me honey? Alright I'll do it. My only regret is that I have but one life to lose for my yellow husband. Come on let's go in. Alright, quiet. Gentlemen please. Alright fellas, please, quiet. Quiet! Pack down you mugs! Gentlemen, I have something to say to you. I'm in charge here so pay attention. Hey fellas look at Harrison at blond week. Who is it? Papo Marks. Wait up. Now don't be a bunch of wise guys, this female impersonator happens to be my wife. Thank you. Gentlemen, I have something to say to you and I want you to pay attention. What right have you got to tell us anything? I happen to be your leader's wife and what I say goes. Get a load of Eva Perone. Don't you know nothing honey, that's the new daytime soap opera. Eva Perone, girl dictator. Now look you guys, when Alice is going to... Wait a minute, what's that sack of onions doing on the floor? Lumpy, ain't he? Remly. Alright kid, let's wake up. Alright Remly, come on. Rise and shine. Remly, the man's here for you. What? What? Who's talking? Open your eyes and find out. I'm too sleepy, I can't open my eyes. Well force him open. Okay. Good boy, now then. Don't overdo it. Just open two, that's enough. Leave the one in the middle shut. Why are you so sleepy anyway? I didn't get to bed last night. Well what were you doing? Up until 11.30 I can give you a detailed report. After that it's just hearsay. Francis, why do you do these things? You're just wasting your talented you. I say you. I also say talent. Ah Curly, I got news for you. I was out with a girl last night and... I fell in love. Aww. You fell in love? Yep. You ought to see Orville, she's beautiful. She has long red hair, blue eyes. Little turned up nose. Three of the sharpest teeth you've ever seen. Three teeth? Two on top and one on the bottom. How long have you known this beaver? Please Curly, she only needs three teeth for her job. Oh this I can't wait for. Go ahead, tell me, what's her job? She's a hole biter and a bowling ball factor. That's fine, thank you and goodbye. As the balls go by she bends over and snaps at him. That's enough, that's fine. They wanted to promote her to the two hole ball department but she refused to pull a tooth for that. Alright, you can quit now. And I don't blame her. Alright, alright. Look Remly, Mr. Scott's coming down today to behave yourself and incidentally that goes for the rest of you guys too. Mr. Scott happens to be a big man and I want you to treat him with dignity and with respect and another thing. Good morning everybody. Hello Harry. Gentlemen, Mr. Scott. Stop already, stop it. What's the matter with you guys? What's the idea of playing Mark and Bird Hill? Are these offbeat characters pulling my leg? Why of course not, Mr. Scott. You see, they're very shy and they can only express themselves musically. They think the world of you. Don't you, fellow? That's why we're in love with you. Tom and Colin. Wait a minute. That's enough. What's the matter with these men? Don't they like me? Oh, on the contrary. They're crazy about you. Look, now you take Remly for instance, Mr. Scott. Remly. Hmm? Frankie, tell Mr. Scott how you feel about him. You're lovely to look at, delightful to know and heaven to kiss. Get your pudgy paws off me. Now Harris, this is the very thing I came down to see you about. There's no dignity on this show at all. Everything here is disorganized. Now let me see the script for tomorrow's program. Oh, well look. The writers haven't brought it down yet, Mr. Scott. What? Now don't get excited. They'll be here with it. And if we don't have a script for tomorrow's show, I'll tell you what. I'll sing the whole half hour. Oh, would you do that for me? Yes. You do, and I'll take a hot iron and straighten out every curl in your wavy little scalp. Oh, Mr. Scott, Phil has one song I know your life. He does a duet with me, and it's a great tune. It's called The Letter, and we recorded it for RCA Victor. Well, if you did it for our company, it must be good. Go ahead and sing it. I'm all ears. On that case, I better pin them back so they won't flap during the program. Now I planned to be wed to a redhead named Red, but I had to go away, oh Mario. To Red I was through, and I thought she was too, till she wrote me a letter one day. Here, John, I say to the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two. So farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. In Paris I met a brunette named Yvette. Too sweet, I called her my sherry. The wedding was set, but Yvette I regret sent the following letter to me, reading, Dear John, I think to the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two. So farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. I'm a Dublin one day on the loose, and I asked Kitty O'Shea, I said, Kit, would you be my Colleen? A letter she wrote, and inside of her note, sure as shamrock was pressed in between, reading, Dear John, I think to the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two. So farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. When sweet Lelani showed Hawaii to me, I fell for her native charm. Give me something that I can remember you by, so she drew a tattoo on my arm, reading, Dear John, I think to the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two. So farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. But now I got sad, just a hillbilly gal, but she's pretty, she's big, and she's dumb, a buttermilk drinker. She's learned how to fight, but she ain't learned to write, so I reckon no letter will come. Dear John, I think to the world of you, but I'm in love with someone new. I could marry one, but I can't marry two. So farewell to you, dear John. Dear John, dear John. Boys, what's my name? Clyde. Hang wonderfully. And as for you, Harris. Yes? It's getting late. Wear the writers with the script. I'm not happy with what they've been writing lately, and I want to talk to them. OK, but be careful, Mr. Scott, how you handle them. They're very artistic and temperamental. Oh, don't worry. They'll have respect for me. I'm the sponsor. Well, I guess all. Here they are now. Hi, you fellas. Good morning, you joke butcher. All right, now please, fellas, I want... Well, you see, that is... Quiet, tangled tongue. Now, look, gentlemen, I just want you to meet somebody. Mr. Singer, Mr. Chevrolet, this is Mr. Scott. How do you do? Now, gentlemen, I'm... Harris, who is this baggy-pants stooge? I am not a stooge. Then what are you? I'm the sponsor. Tough, tough, no profanity. No, wait a minute, fellas, please be nice to Mr. Scott. I didn't tell you, but several weeks ago, Mr. Scott became the sponsor of our show. What? This is now a sponsored show? Harris, you sneak, you sold us down the river. What are you talking about? What's wrong with having a sponsor? Oh, the shame of it. You think the purity of our literary work should be painted by some bellowing individual telling us to wash our undies in yummy yogurt. For 20 years, we've written an unsponsored program, and now this feed comes along and louses up our record. Don't cry, Raymond, don't cry, I'll handle this. Mr. Scott, I'm sorry, but we don't allow sponsors on our show, so I'll thank you to leave. I... No, please, take your hat and your potato peeler whenever you're selling and blow. In short, you're fired. Wait a minute, I'm the boss. You two are fired. Now get out. Very well. We'll go. We don't need radio. We'll go back to our old job of writing for the American Railway Express. You wrote for the Railway Express? Oh, yes. Our works have been seen and heard all over the world. Famous lines such as, fragile, handle with fear, use no hooks, do not open until Christmas, and don't forget our immortal line, this end up... I don't like the type of comedy you've been doing. I want something more dignified, and you'd better have it for me tomorrow. Good-bye. Stuck with a hokey comic. Why can't I have a classy show like The Halls of Ivy, or Ma Perkin, or Randolph Gray? He's got a lot of nerve coming in here trying to tell you how to run your show. Don't listen to him, Curly. I gotta listen to him. He's the boss. Besides, I agree with him. I had a doing comedy myself. I'd like to do something serious, something with dignity, something that has suspense and ha... Hey, that's it. What? We'll do a show like suspense, and I know just the guy who can write it. Who? Me? Oh, Phil, you're not a writer. Used to be my badness. And I'm going home and write a script and show you... Wait a minute, look, I want everybody back here tomorrow morning for rehearsal, so all of you go home and get a good night's rest. I'm glad to see you're all here for rehearsal this morning. That night passed so fast I ain't gonna much sleep. Never mind. Now look, I want you people to know that I spent all night writing this script and I've got a story that's chock-full of suspense. Hey, Phil, you ought to put some of those eerie sound effects in to create a mood like they do in all those mystery shows. Don't worry about that, honey. I thought of that. I got all the sound effects in. All right. Let's get started. That's the scene. Ladies and gentlemen, RCA Victor presents Alice Pee and Phil Harris in a story about a man, his unfaithful wife, and murder. When is my wife gonna have her baby? Impatient. I've been pacing this hospital corridor for six months. My feet are killing me. Now see if Mrs. Harris has had her baby yet. Mrs. Harris. I'm sorry, but there's nobody named Mrs. Harris having a baby here. Then try shulks. I'll take anything. You must have a Mrs. Harris. Six months ago, she told me she was going to have a baby and I should meet her here. I'm sorry, but we don't have a Mrs. Harris. Why should she tell me that she's gonna have a baby? I see it all now. She's not gonna have a baby. She's in love with another man and this was just a trick to get me out of the house. Well, she's not gonna get away with it. I'm going right home now and have this out with her. Hey, that was beautiful. Sing me another chorus. Mr. Frank, right now, tell me. Do you love me? Need you asked, darling. I want you for my own and I can't wait until you're free. Tell me, darling, have you tried killing your husband lately? I've tried everything. Did you fix his cocktail the way I told you? Yes. Last week I made his martini the way you suggested. I'll put an arsenic, cleaning fluid and a glass of olive. What happened? He liked it. Now he won't drink anything else. Strange. Every time I drink them, they give me heartburn. We must find another way. Oh, I found another way. A subtle way. I've hired an electrician. An electrician? How is he gonna help it? I'll let him tell you. Here he is now. Well, Lydia, don't we as told me, I wired everything in the house. Your husband sits down in his easy chair, a landmine explodes. He climbs on a lamp, machine gun bullets spray him. And if he picks up the phone, 30,000 volts of electricity go to his body. Tell me something, lady, are you mad that you're a husband? Who knows? No, but are you sure this will do away with him? It can't miss. I got everything in the joint wire, including your mother-in-law. If he tries to kiss her on Mother's Day, he'll get banged to a crisp. Good. In the meantime, Alice, we better not be seen with each other or the police will suspect us. We've got to keep our romance a secret. We don't want anyone to know that we're in love with each other. Oh, don't fret, sweetheart. Nobody will find out about it. Oh-ho! I caught you at last, my wife in the arms of another man. Ah, it's old blabbermouth. That'll be all over town. Where are your manners, Harris? Bursting in like this. Now go out and knock before you come in. Oh, I'm sorry. Who's there? Howard. Howard who? Howard, you like to have your rook cave dead? I tried to hide it. I want my husband to know that we're in love, so take me in your arms and kiss me. All right. We'll show him we're not afraid. Come in. Ah-ha! A fine thing. I come home to find my wife kissing another man and dinner isn't even ready. I don't think you're kidding, are you? See, you better get over here right away. Don't walk wrong to the nearest exit. Alice, how can you do this? Kissing another man and in front of my pet sheepdog. I ain't no... Prince, I keep forgetting you're an air dave. I'm the electrician. That's the last straw. It ain't bad enough that my wife's kissing another man but I gotta pay an electrician $3 an hour to watch him. $4 an hour? All right. How can you do this to me? I've been a good husband. Why are you in this man's arms? Why are you kissing him? It's your own fault. My fault? Yes. You wouldn't buy me a television set and I've got to do something after I finish the dishes. You could try kissing me. I'd rather do the dishes over again. I'm not going to stand for this. I'm not going to... Don't get excited, Harris. Take it easy. Relax. Sit down in your easy chair. Yeah. Sit down, turn on the light, kiss your mother and phone somebody. I'll just sit here and my... Wait a minute. Why is everybody holding their ears? Wait a minute. There's something funny going on in here. It's just your imagination, Mac. What you need is to take a nice cold needle shower. What are you telling them to do that for? I got the shower ring pulled. When he comes out there, he'll look like a punch board. You mean? Real needles. Yeah, I could take a nice... No, I don't feel like taking a shower. This guy ain't cooperating! Oh, it's just the dark room that's making you nervous, dear. Why don't you turn the lamp on? All right, I'll turn the lamp... Wait a minute. Now, why is everybody ducking behind chairs? I don't trust anybody here. There's only one person that I can trust in this house, and that's my baby. I'm going into the nursery and talk to little Herman. Why don't you phone him first and see if he's awake? Why don't you go in a nursery? I booby-capped that dopey-looking rag doll you got in there. Dopey-look... Oh, no. That dopey-looking rag doll is our baby. We've got to stop him before he... Goodness, my baby's all right. Oh, I feel so bad. I've got to sit down. Not in the easy chair, lady! Not in the easy! Not in the easy! I've got to turn the lamp on and see. Not that... It's awful, my wife and this man both dead. I'd better call the police. Not done! Operator, get me the police. How do you... Back in just a moment. Yasha Haifetz, Sergei Rachmaninoff, Vladimir Horowitz, Arturo Toscanini, and the NBC Symphony Orchestra. These names are high on the honor roll of the world's greatest musicians. And these are just a few of the outstanding artists whose unforgettable performances are included in RCA Victor's exciting new collector's issue recordings. Here, supplementing the already-famous RCA Victor treasury of immortal performances, are 17 albums and four single records of tremendous artistic and historical interest. You'll hear Sergei Rachmaninoff playing his own second piano concerto in C minor. Petroma Skany conducting the La Scala Orchestra and Chorus in his immortal opera Caballaria Rusticana. Stage and Screen Actor Laurence Olivier reciting four monologues from Hamlet. Richard Crooks, John Charles Thomas, Fritz Kreisler, and many, many others. These superb performances were formally heard only on 78 RPM records. Now, in the collector's issue, they are yours to enjoy whenever you want, on long play and on RCA Victor's incomparable 45. So, enrich your record collection as well as your own musical pleasure with the RCA Victor's collector's issue available now at your nearest dealer's store. This is Phil again. The Red Cross has asked us to appeal again for blood donors. So, sign up and help the guys fighting in Korea. And if you haven't made your donation to the Red Cross Fund this year, please sit down and mail that check today. Thanks and good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. This program was produced and directed by Paul Phillips. Included in today's cast were Paula Victor, Gail Gordon, Hans Conreed, Joseph Kearns, and Ali O'Toole. The part of Frankie Remle was played by Elliot Lewis. And Julius was played by Walter Tetley. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrole phonograph, or records. Put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. Here had a hopper next over many NBC stations.