 Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program coming to you from Vancouver, British Columbia, and starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Hattus, Dennis Day, Rochester, and your true lead, Don Wilson. Thought up a wonderful slogan for Grape Nuts Flakes. If Grape Nuts Flakes are a cereal, give me a second installment. Well, maybe it is sort of corny, but there's no doubt about it, anybody will enjoy a second installment of Grape Nuts Flakes. That crisp, toasty-brown texture, that molly-rich, sweet-as-a-nut flavor make Grape Nuts Flakes really distinctive. And they're a whole grain cereal, chuck-full of all-around whole grain nourishment. And the nutrition experts agree that breakfast should include a cereal with whole grain food values. So make that cereal Grape Nuts Flakes and do your family a favor all around. Remember, eat a good breakfast, do a better job. Feature tempting, toasty-brown Grape Nuts Flakes and buy them in the big, new 12-ounce economy-sized package. Miss Columbia, we bring you a man who traveled all the way from another nation to get an ovation at the station and only got it from a relation. You mean Mary's relation, you know? Hello again, this is Jack Betty talking, and it's sure swell to be here. Yes, Don, here we are in Vancouver. What a beautiful city. Oh, it certainly is, Jack. It's so picturesque with its snow-capped mountains right across the harbor. And that Vancouver hotel, did you ever see anything so luxurious? Jack, that's one of the classiest hotels I was ever in. I'll say it is, or when they showed me my room, I was simply overcome. Don, the lovely furniture and the bathtub. I was, really, I was amazed. Well, Jack, you've lived in hotels before. All bath tubs are the same. I know, Don, but these are right in your room. You know, it's very convenient, but you don't meet so many people that way. Sometimes I walked out of my room with a towel over my shoulder. No kidding. Another thing, Jack, have you noticed how polite the people are here in Canada? Polite? Yes, Don, I have. Why, I even saw a war poster up here that said, please guard your speech less unknowingly. You divulge vital information regarding military operations. Well, that's nothing, Don. We have the same thing in Los Angeles, only it's a little more condensed. It just says, shut up. Anyway, Don, I agree with you with that theme. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. I've been appointed by the mayor to welcome you to the city of Vancouver. The mayor? Well, that's very nice. I've lived here all my life, and if there are any places of interest you've missed, I'll be glad to point them out to you. Well, let me see. I've been through Stanley Park, and then I... Stanley Park? Yes. Where's that? It's right at the foot of Lyons Gate Bridge. Lyons Gate Bridge? Yes. They have one here? That's the bridge where Burrard Inlet meets English Bay. English Bay? Certainly. That's the body of water that practically surrounds the city. Oh, so that's what that is. Oh, good. Is there anything else you'd like to know? Where'd you come here for? I told you. I've been appointed by the mayor to give you a welcome, and here it is. A one, a two. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Goodbye now. Goodbye. Nice of them coming up here and playing that bagpipe, wasn't it, Don? Yes, but it's such a peculiarism of the way it squeaks. I knew it'd squeak too if somebody squeezed you around the middle. Well, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hello, everybody. How does it feel coming back to Vancouver, your old hometown? Oh, it certainly is thrilling, Jack. As soon as we got here, I went down to Nelson Street. That's where I used to live, you know. Yeah, you told me. Then I visited King George High School. I graduated some. Brought back memories, huh? It sure did. Just think, Jack, right here in Vancouver, I spent my girlhood days. Gee, Vancouver, 1928. Yeah. You know, I spent my boyhood days in Waukegan. Gee, Waukegan, 1883. Mary, don't be so smart. In 1883, there were Indians in Waukegan. Anyway, Mary, I'll say one thing. When you lived here in Vancouver, you lived in a great city. In fact, when I arrived, I drank a toast to it. Water, of course. Why water, Jack? Well, Don, you see, in British Columbia, they have a ruling that visitors must wait five days before they're eligible to purchase any Spiritus fermenti. Spiritus fermenti? Yes, that's the stuff that comes in pints, quarks, and WC fields. Being in Vancouver brings back memories to me, too. When I was involved, well, I played the Orpheum Theater many a time. Did you know that? Did I know that? Jack, every time you played here, didn't you notice a little girl in the third row in the aisle seat with long blonde pigtails and a pink ribbon in her hair? Well, I'll be darned. Was that you? No, that was my mother. Mary, just because this is your hometown, you don't have to... Hiya, Jackson. Okay, Vancouver, you've waited long enough. Here I am. Oh, brother, what an entrance. Phil, what makes you such a ham? Listen, Jackson, this may be news to you, but when you've got talent, you can do anything. Hey, you're supposed to be an orchestra leader, aren't you? Sure. But do you know how to lead an orchestra? No. Can you read music? No. Can you play an instrument? No. You can't do any of those things. Well, what about it? What about it? What am I paying you for? Look, Jackson, if you're a jerk, don't blame me. True, or I'd get sore about it. And to show you I'm a right guy, I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself. Say, Mary, you know that song you were rehearsing on the train? Uh, you mean, Love, Love, Love? That's the one. Let Phil sing it with you. But, Jack, I rehearse that song alone. I know, Mary, but Phil gets paid every week. He ought to do something. Go ahead, sing it. Go ahead. Do that you love me. And starting on a family tree. Well, just imagine starting on a family tree. The mama is me. And the public is me. If your heart goes bumpity bump. Ooh, it's love, love, love. If your throat comes up with a lump. Then it's love. If your knees go knockity knock. It's love, love, love. If we're cuckoo like the cuckoo in the clock. It's love, love. Imagine you imagining we're man and wife. We'll go and buy a fork and a knife. But just imagine eating with a fork and a knife. Ooh, how risky we'll be for the rest of our life. If your heart goes bumpity bump. Ooh, it's love, love, love. If your throat comes up with a lump. Then it's love, love. If your knees go knockity knock. Ooh, then it's love, love, love. If we're cuckoo like the cuckoo in the clock. It's love. Mary, Mary, Mary and Phil, Phil, Phil. Thanks, thanks, thanks. No fooling kid, you did a swell job with that song. You see, Jack, you were wrong. Phil can do something. Well, I didn't say Phil couldn't sing, Mary. I merely said that. That ain't all, Jackson. You know I can make up jokes on the spur of the moment. The spur of the moment. Yeah, now look, get a load of this. You ask me, you say, uh, ask me why the girls in Vancouver never take sunbads. Oh, Phil, please. Oh, Jack, ask them, what can you lose? All right, Phil, why do the girls in Vancouver never take sunbads? Because even the mountain peaks. Oh, you're sharp and your five days ain't even up yet. Phil, if that's your idea of humor, come in. I just found out that you're absolutely right. About what? That water out there is English Bay. Buy yourself off and get out of here, will you? Well, not yet. A one, a two, a three. Made me that welcome a few minutes ago. I had some left over. I wonder what he's so happy about. Why, Jack, the reason is so obvious. He's happy because he had a great big bowl of Molly great sweeters and not grape nuts for breakfast. Wait a minute, Don. How do you know he had grape nuts for breakfast? Well, doesn't everybody? Why, no, Don. There are a lot of people who don't eat grape nuts. Well, that's, well, that's wonderful. What do you mean that's wonderful? Well, if they prefer to eat grape nuts flakes, that's all right with me. Oh, oh, I see what you mean. It doesn't make any difference whether it's grape nuts or grape nuts flakes. They're both a whole grain cereal. That's right, that's right. Say, Don, this is probably none of my business, but did it ever occur to you that someone might want an egg for breakfast? One middle egg. Why, why certainly, Phil. It's perfectly all right to have an egg as long as you have your grape nuts or grape nuts flakes first. Because if you eat a good breakfast, you'll do a better job. That's right, Don. You see, Phil, what Don means is that if you have your grape nuts first, you'll have enough strength to break the egg, you know? And that closes the subject for today with milk and sugar. And now, folks, come in. What is it, Miss? I'd like to see Mary Livingston. Will you please tell her that I... Well, it turns out they don't even know each other. I'm quitting radio. I'd like to meet my old school chum, Ruby Wagner. Ruby, this is Jack Bennet. Pleased to meet you. Any friend of Mary's is a friend of mine. Thank you. It's been written to me in over 10 years. I've broken down, civil player. What is the broken down? I mean, Jack, I'm glad you stopped me. I might have mentioned that other thing you wrote me. You know what. Mary, for heaven's sake, what did you write to her? Oh, I wrote about the time you were showing off at my house and tried to jump over the dining room table. Oh, that? Well, there was no harm in trying. No, but you should have waited till everybody finished eating. Well, I would have made it. I would have made it, but your Uncle Harry harpooned me with his fork and held me there. The meat goes by no matter how bony it is. He makes a stab at it. Why don't you sit down and wait till the show's over and you and I will talk about our school days. Okay. Where are we, Dom? Well, we'll talk about that later. Yes, Ruby. Sit down, because right now I have an important announcement to make. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight this program is being honored with a very special guest. It is my pleasure to present to you the mayor of Vancouver, his worship, J. W. Cornett. Thank you, Jack. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Your worship is a great privilege and a pleasure having you on our program. Well, Jack, I have looked forward to it. I'm glad, and I'm especially happy at this opportunity to talk to you, because you see, being the mayor of this grand city, you naturally have a great deal of influence. Well, yes, I imagine I have. And you could, probably, expedite matters with great speed and efficiency. Well, yes, I possibly could. I mean, I mean, your worship, if I should request something, a word from you would go a long way, huh? It probably would. Now tell me, what's bothering you? Your worship, those toll bridges. I've heard so much about Grouse Mountain Chalet on the other side of the bridge, and I'd like to see it just once without my telescope, you know? If you know what I mean. I know what you mean. Well, tell me, is Grouse Mountain Chalet really as beautiful as it looks from a distance? Oh, even more so. You know, the toll charge is only a quarter, and it would be a shame to miss the chalet after coming so far. Yes, Jack, it's one of the beautiful beauty spots of Canada. Well, that settles it. I'll take your word for it. Your worship. I meant to ask you, did you send a man over here to welcome me? Yes, yes, I did. Well, would you believe it? That man lived here all his life, and he didn't know that the large body of water out there was English Bay. Oh, is that what it is? It's an interesting town. It's one of those travel folders, you know? Well, Mayor Cornel, I want to thank you for appearing on our show. It's been a lot of fun, hasn't it? It certainly has, Jack, and on behalf of my fellow Canadians, I want to thank you for coming here and playing such a fine part in our sixth victory load. You're very welcome. Before we continue our program, I'd like to say just a few words to our Canadian friends. Since our arrival in Vancouver, we have visited your hospitals and talked with your boys back from the battlefield. Our Canada's sixth victory loan must be an overwhelming success. You can put your dollars into the fight with them by buying Canada's sixth victory loan. You can support them worthily, but only if you put victory first. Thank you, Mayor Cornel. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Dennis Day will sing amour to his parents if you were leaving for any other reason, except to join the armed forces. I'd hate to lose you. This war is over. I hope you'll be back with us again. Mr. Benny, and I'll be looking forward to it. It's all a way. You know, Mr. Benny, when I'm in the Navy, I hope people won't think I'm as dumb as I act on this program. They won't, Dennis. Well, I'm glad, because when I enlisted, I took an intelligence test and I got a mark of 158. 158? Sure. Here's the card. And it also says that I have a great power as a leadership and will be a great success. Dennis, this is your weight and fortune. You weigh, you weigh 158 pounds. Oh. Well, anyway, kid, I want to wish you all the luck in the world. So do I, Dennis. That goes for me, too, kid. Come here, Dennis. I want to give you a great big kiss. Yeah, peppermint lipstick. Well, Dennis, one of the reasons I'm happy that you're joining the Navy is because I was a sailor in the last World War. Yes, I know. And incidentally, kid, through all these years, I've kept my old sailor suit. Yes, sir. And as long as I won't be needing a sailor suit anymore and you will, well... Jack Benny, if you're trying to sell him that suit, you ought to be horse-whipped. I'm not trying to sell him anything. Haven't you got any sentiment? I love that suit and I kept it for 25 years. I'm only going to charge him for storage. That's all. Fuckballs don't grow on trees, you know. So, Dennis, if you want it, you can have that suit for only $10. Only $10? Yeah. United States money. Oh, yes. There's a slight difference in the rate of exchange. Well, what do you say, kid? But, Mr. Benny, won't your suit be too big for me? What do you mean? Well, it would be too big a round. A round where? Well, around where it goes around. Dennis, we're about the same size. Not a round. Look, why don't you be big-hearted? Now, the kid's been with you for five years. He's going in the Navy and you have no use with my sailor suit anymore. Why don't you give it to him? You're right, Bill. Okay, Dennis, you can have my old sailor suit. Gee, thanks, Mr. Benny. And in that case, you can have all my civilian suits. Well, thank you. All you have to do is keep up the payments. How can you be so mercenary? Where in the world do you pick up ideas like that? You know, you should... I'll take it. Hello? The $10 bill only gave me $11 for it. The rate of exchange up here in Canada. My, my. How long has this been going on? Right up started. Silly, and don't be too excited about getting $11 for 10. You lose that when you go back. What did you say, boss? I said don't be too excited about getting $11 for 10. You lose that when you go back. Who's going back? Certainly, we've got to get back. We have a lot of things to do besides Rochester. Money isn't that important. Boss, you talk like a man who's five days are already up. And just be sure you have everything packed. We're catching the boat on Tuesday morning. Oh, no, boss, not a boat. Last time we were on a boat, I got so sick, I turned green. Who turned green? Yeah. Don't worry about it. This'll be a nice, smooth trip. I'll see you after the show. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, say, boss. What now? Can I speak to Mr. Dennis? Oh, yeah, sure. Dennis, or Rochester wants to talk to you. Okay. Hello, Rochester. Hello, Mr. Day. Congratulations. Best wishes and good luck in the Navy. Thank you, Rochester. And, uh, by the way, you know that sailor suit Mr. Benny promised to give you? Uh-huh. I wouldn't take that if I were you. Why? The mall has opened up a second front and started to blitz-wink it. You're following me, Rochester. Goodbye. Goodbye and good luck. Just wish me good luck. What did you say, Rochester? Uh, what did you say to Dennis? I said Rochester, just wish me good luck. Well, we all do, kid. Jack, I can never thank you and Mary for all you've done for me and for the five most wonderful years of my life. I want to thank the gang, Phil, Don, Rochester, and everyone connected with the program and all the listeners who've been so nice to me during these five years. Well, just hurry back, kid. That's all we want.