 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Sexterbaile, da-mong-da-mong-da-mong. Da-mong-da-mong-da-mong. Old American. To give you more real deep-down smoking enjoyment, Lucky's pay more. Yes, to give you a finer cigarette. Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco. LS, MFT, LS, MFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Just listen to the words of a veteran tobacco buyer, Mr. James Watson Davis of Wilson, North Carolina. He recently said, I've been a tobacco buyer for 20 years now. That's why I know what tobacco makes a good smoke. And in those years, time after time, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine quality lead. Right, mellow tobacco that's great for good smoking. I've smoked Lucky's for 18 years. And a recent survey reveals more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehouse men smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So smoke the smoke tobacco expert smoke for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment. Light up a Lucky Strike. Remember, Lucky's pay more, millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco to give you a finer, milder, more enjoyable cigarette. Good reason to make your next carton Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dentistry, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, around this time of year, Jack Benny goes through a rather peculiar annual routine. He takes inventory of all the commodities in his pantry. As we look in, Rochester and Jack are checking off the items. Two cans of corned beef hash. Two cans of corned beef hash. Four bottles of olives. Rochester, slow down. I can't write that fast. Mr. Benny, I can't understand why you take inventory every fall. You run this house just like a grocery store. I do lot. Uh-oh, I broke the point of this pencil. Where's the pencil sharpener? In the cash register. No, yes. Darn it, I hit the 60 cent key instead of no sale. Now my books won't balance. Well, let's get on with the inventory, Rochester. Yes, sir, six cans of peas. Six cans of peas. Five cans of corn. Five cans of corn. Four hundred and thirty-six cans of pork and beans. Four hundred and thirty- Rochester, how come we got so many cans of pork and beans? Don't you remember, Mr. Paley threw those in to clench the deal? Oh, yes, one for each station. Now continue, Rochester. Two bottles of vanilla extract. Two bottles of vanilla extract. One bottle of Lydia Pinkham's. One bottle of Lydia Pinkham's. Twelve slices of white bread. Twelve slices of white bread. Seven slices of whole wheat bread. Seven slices of whole wheat bread. Oh, say boys. What is it, Rochester? Well, may come to the toothpicks, let's just estimate. Okay for the plain ones, but the colored ones will pound. Okay for the plain ones, but the colored ones will pound. Now let's finish this. Yes, sir. Six bottles of ketchup. Six bottles of ketchup. Six bottles of chili sauce. Six bottles of chili sauce. Three cans of strong heart. Three cans of strong heart. Boss, why have we got that? I borrowed it from the Coleman's. Well, we haven't got a dog. Why'd you borrow it? Well, they were out of butter and I didn't want to leave empty-handed. We'll use it someday. Continue. One sack of Idaho potatoes. One sack of Idaho potatoes. Rochester, answer the door. I'll finish the inventory. Yes, sir. Hello, Rochester. Oh, hello, Miss Livingston. Welcome to Ralph's supermarket. What? Come right in. Oh, hello, Barry. Hello, Jack. What are you doing up on that stool? I'll be finishing a bit and I'm just putting some stuff back on the top shelf. Would you please have me those two jars of caviar? Oh, fine. Fish eggs from a frightened mackerel and it calls it caviar. Mary, I've got a cold. Why do you have to come over here and... Jack, look out this stool! Jack, are you hurt? No, no, I'm all right. What are you laughing at? With those fish eggs in your ear, you look like you're going up street to spawn. Up street to spawn, up street to spawn. The man nearly kills himself and you talk about romance. Look, I've got a cold. Will you not bother me? Answer that, will you please? Okay. Hello, Mr. Benny's residence. Hey, Livy. Hey, how come you're answering the phone? New clause in your contract? No, Phil. Jack would have answered it, but he can't. He's lying on the floor. Holy smoke, he's getting as bad as Remly. It isn't bad at all. Would you like to speak to Jack? Talk to that old man when I got you, Livy. Why, you gorgeous bundle of loveliness. You beautiful streamlined loveliness. You gorgeous hunk of...let me speak to Jackson. Phil, what happened? Alice just walked into the room. Oh, say, Phil, I'd like to talk to Alice. Put her on the phone. If I do it, it'll count as a guest spot. Well, wait a minute. I'll put Jack on. Jack, Phil wants to talk to you. Okay. Hello, Phil. Well, how's Paley's comic today? I'm all right. What do you want, Phil? Look, Jackson, I know it's kind of late notice, but I wonder if you could give me a couple of tickets for today's broadcast. Well, I might be able to scrape up to. Who are they for? Well, my nephew who lives in Kentucky just got married, and he and his wife are visiting us. He's a swell kid. 19 years old. 19 is buried? How old is his wife? 10. Wait a minute, Phil. You mean to say your nephew married a 10-year-old girl? He felt sorry for her. First husband was a lout. Phil, stop making things up. Now, who do you want the tickets for? Well, to tell you the truth, it's for Remly, but he was afraid to ask. Well, he should be ashamed after what happened last time. He gave that ticket to his girl. She almost started a riot in the studio. Imagine her walking up and down the aisle doing a thing like that. That wasn't her fault, Jackson. The band never should have played a pretty girl as like a melody. All right, but where did she get the balloons? Where did she get the balloons? Where did you get the pin? Oh, quiet! All right, Phil, I'll give you the tickets at rehearsal. Thanks, Jackson. Goodbye. Goodbye. Hey, uh, Jackson. What? You're old, but you're cute. Yeah, yeah, I'm cute. Goodbye. Phil always has to call me when I'm busy. All right, Chester. What is it, boss? I knock over all these cans when I fell off the stool. Will you pick them up when I go on with the inventory? Yes, sir. Mary, will you please help me? I'll call off the items and you write them down. Oh, sure, Jack. Five bottles of vinegar. Five bottles of vinegar. Three boxes of rye crisp. Uh, three boxes of rye crisp. Eleven cans of Johnson's wax. Eleven cans of Johnson's wax. Jack, why do you need all that wax? It's for the program, Mary. You put it on your head and the joke slipped your mind. All right, Jack. I made a mistake last week. You deducted it from my salary. Now let's forget it. All right, now let's keep going, Mary. One leg of lamb. One leg of lamb. Two packages of bacon. Two packages of bacon. One side of beef. Jack, that's me. Oh, oh, oh, oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack, Mary. Hello, Don. Hey, Jack, I know you're busy, but I brought the sportsman quartet with me. They want to run over the commercial for the program. But, Don, I didn't think they could be with us this Sunday. I thought they were being held over at the Orpheum Theater. Oh, they are. That's why they had to rush over here between shows to let you hear the song. Oh. This is their second week at the theater. Jack and they're a terrific hit there. Well, isn't that wonderful. So you're back at Vortival, eh, boys? That's nice. Tell me, fellas, how does it feel being on the stage again? Do you like it? There's no business like shows. Business like no business we know. Playing at the Orpheum is thrilling. Standing out in front on opening nights. Smiling as you watch the theater filling. And there's your billing out there in lights. There's no people like shows. People they smile when they are low. Thank you, Jack, for booking us plus heaven sent. Yes, thanks to you, we can pay our rent. That's all right. But don't worry, Jack, you'll get your ten percent. Thank you. Let's go on the show. What about the conversion? Coversion. Coversion. No cigarette, none you can get. Like luckies we know. Luckies are a smoke that you will treasure. Luckies have a taste that you will like. There's no way we know to really measure. There's no smoking pleasure in Lucky Stein. So buy luckies and try luckies. You'll like luckies we know. At the auction, Lucky Strike pays millions more. For fine tobacco, that's what it's for. Buy a pack of LSMFT before you go on to the show. Let's go right on with the show. Simply wonderful. I'm glad you liked it, Jack. Now we've got to rush back to the theater. The boys will be on stage in twenty minutes. Now you better hurry. Goodbye, fellas. So long, Don. So long. Gee, Mary, just a mention of vaudeville brings back memories. I wish I was back on the stage again. Ah, those were the days. Did you ever play the Orphium here, Jack? Yes, Mary. I even wrote over the bill. There was Block and Sully, Willie Weston McGindy, the Avon Comedy Four, Fink's Mules, and Fred Allen. Gee, he was a clever guy. Allen? No, Fink. Now what did I do with my pencil? I want to finish this. I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Mel Blank. Oh, fuck. Hey, can you use me on your program Sunday? No, I can't. And Mel, why do you keep bothering me? I told you I can't use your imitations on my program. But I don't just imitate actors. I imitate world-famous politicians like Winston Choi-Chul, Antony Eden, General Dick Glaw, and that fellow who just visited President Truman. Who's that? Al Jolson. Now put that out! And I can't use you on my show Sunday goodbye. I can't understand that guy. He knows if I had a job I'd give it to him, I'd be his agent. Oh, Barry. Uh, just a minute, Jack. Go ahead, Rochester. 12 cans of crushed pineapple. Uh, 12 cans of crushed pineapple. 19 cans of condensed milk. 19 cans of condensed milk. 2,456 cans. Cans? Cans of what? Just cans, Mr. Barry, don't throw nothing away. Certainly not. I paid them and hang them on my Christmas tree. Now, Barry, I can finish this up with Rochester, so... Shall I answer the door, boys? No, don't bother getting down from the stool. I'll answer it. I'd like to get this inventory finished before we... Wow! Hello, Mr. Bieny. Mr. Kitzel. Mr. Kitzel, it's certainly nice seeing you again. What are you doing around this neighborhood? Mr. Bieny, I came over to say goodbye. I'm going to New York to see the World Series. Well, that's wonderful, Mr. Kitzel. I didn't know you were interested in baseball. Interesting! You know, Mr. Bieny, when I was a boy, I played baseball all the time. Really? Yes, indeed. I used to pitch for my high school team. No kidding. Well, were you a good pitcher? Whoo-hoo-hoo! They used to call me Satchel Kitzel. No. Yeah! Oh, I could pitch fast, slow, inside, outside. But my specialty was you should excuse the expression as a liby ball. Hey, you must have been pretty good. Pretty good! After I left high school, I became a professional and played ball with the Mexican League. And then, after nine years, I was... Wait a minute, wait a minute. You were down in Mexico for nine years? Where do you think I got this accent? I should have known. You're joking, aren't you? Oh, no, no, no. Mr. Kitzel, I'm certainly surprised to hear about your interest in baseball. Oh, that's so surprising. In 1938, I was the most popular man at the World Series. Oh, my, you should have heard the crowd yelling for me. You mean you played in the World Series? Who played? I was selling hot dogs, people in the middle, and they must had on top with a hey-bobbery van, a little bebop, the van straight. Goodbye, so long. Ah, Gene was nice seeing Mr. Kitzel again. Jack, we're almost finished with the inventory. That's good. Say, Barry, I certainly appreciate your helping me, but say what, if you'd like to stay for dinner, I'll take you out later. We'll go to a nightclub. A nightclub? Oh, I'd love to, Jack, but I already have a date. Oh. I hope it doesn't spoil your evening. No, no, no. I'll take my pen, uh... Now, Barry, if you want to... Oh, there's the door again. Come in. Oh, Mr. Benny, I just came over to ask you a few... Hello, Dennis. Hello. Mr. Benny, I just came over to ask you a few... How do you feel, Gene? Fine. Mr. Benny, I just came over to ask you a few... Now, close the door, will you, Dennis? Okay. Now, Dennis, what did you... Dennis. How do you like that? He locked himself out. Oh, well, it just... Come in. Oh, Mr. Benny, I just came over to ask you if it would be all right if I could... Dennis, when I told you to close the door, I bet you should come in first. Oh. Now, what do you want to ask me? If I could use your phone, my house is on fire. Dennis, don't be silly. Your house is on fire. Why would you come all the way to Beverly Hills to use the phone? I want the fireman to think I'm a big shot. Dennis, close the door, will you? That's my luck. This time he stayed on the inside. Now, look it, I'm busy, so don't bother me with all those silly things you make up. Come on, Mary, let's finish this inventory. Okay. Oh, is that what you're doing? Yes, yes. I thought you were cleaning house like my mother did the other day. I'm not cleaning house. Boy, did she get rid of a lot of stuff? She threw some old curtains out of the living room, a broken rocking chair out of the bedroom, and she even took the moose head out of the shower. Now, Mary, let's, Dennis, she took the what? Out of the shower? The moose head. You're going to ignore that, eh, Mary? I certainly am. My father put it in there. Wait a minute, Dennis, wait a minute. Hold it a minute. I know I'll regret asking you this. But why would your father put a moose head in the shower? The other end would look silly. Well, that I can understand. Now, Dennis, Dennis, besides your house being on fire and your father being in the shower with a moose, what else is new? Well, I've been rehearsing my song all week. Would you like to hear it? I'd love to. Anything. Go ahead. Okay. Just one way. That's all. Much more could be with my heart. Much more could be said if I thought with my hand. Very good. I'll just sit down for a few minutes. I want to finish my inventory. We've got everything listed, boss. All we have to do is put the last few things back on the shelves. Good, good. Rochester, I'll get up on the stool and you can hand the stuff to me. No, no, Mary. I'll get up there. Oh, Jack, you've had enough trouble. I'll get up on the stool. Help me. Okay. Up, up. Don't let your skirt catch out of the stool. I'll lift it a little. Dennis! Dennis, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I wasn't whistling at Mary. Now, Dennis, don't deny it. You were looking at Mary's limbs and you were whistling at her, and I warned you. Well, yes. Good, good. Mary, you get down off the stool and I'll eat, get up there. I've got to get this job finished. Help me up, Rochester. Here you are, boys. Up, up. Now, stop it. That was me. Good, good. Now, Rochester, if I push these cans on the top of the shelf back a little, I think we can squeeze in a couple of more. Jack! Jack, the stool, look out! Goodness is unconscious. Jack, he's really out cold. Rochester, help me. Put a pillow under his head. Dennis, go get a glass of water. I'd rather have a Coke. Rochester, look at that big bump on his head. Yeah, I hope he isn't hurt too bad. Here's the water, Mary. Well, don't stand there. Throw it. Come on, Miss Livingston. Where am I? What, what happened? Well, after you fell a big can of tomato juice hit you on the head. Oh. Are you all right, Jack? Yes, yes, I feel all right, Mary. You know, it's just that, oh, Mary, you were worried about me, weren't you? You've been crying. Dennis threw water in my face. Rochester, help me up, will you please? Here you are, boys. Jack, you better sit down. You over-hit pretty hard. You got a big bump on your head. But, Mary, I feel perfectly all right. There's somebody at the door. I'll get it. Jack, let's rock it. Mary, don't worry. Little hit on the head, they make such a big, big out of it. Telegram for Jack Mini. I'm Jack Mini. Here you are, sir. Thank you. Oh, just a minute, boy. Here's a tip for you. Gee, I'm sorry, sir, but I haven't got changed for a dollar bill. I don't want it to be changed. Keep it. It's yours. Oh, boy, a dollar tip. Thank you. Jack. Gee, I wonder who could be sending me a telegram. Jack. Well, there's only one way to find out. Jack. What is it, Mary? You just gave that Western Union boy a dollar tip. Yes, was that enough? If you don't think so, I'll call him back. No, no, Jack. No, no, no. Mary, what's the matter with you? Jack, are you sure you feel all right? I'm fine. Fine. I'll call you, kid. Look, excuse me, kid, while I read my telegram. Dennis, did you see what happened? Yeah. Maybe it's that bump on his head. He's never given a Western Union boy a dollar before. Has he, Rochester? Only once in that time he kept the kid's bicycle. Well, hey, kid, I'm certainly glad I got this wire. Who's it from, Jack? The boys at Phil's band. They're giving Sammy the drummer a surprise birthday party tonight, and they want me to be there. I want to make a telephone call. Hello? Beverly Hills liquor store? This is Jack Benny talking. That's right. Listen, I'd like to order a little gift for a birthday party. Do you have some very fine imported champagne? What? I said Benny, Jack Benny. No, no, not one bottle champagne. I want to order a whole case. Huh? Yes, Benny, B-E-N-N-Y. Yes. Now send this case of champagne to Sam Weiss, 4720, Mary Ellen Avenue Van Nuys. No, no, don't send the bill to him. Send it to me. Yes, B-E-N-N-Y. Thank you. Goodbye. Rochester, Rochester, this is serious. Well kids, I'm going upstairs and get dressed for the party. See you tomorrow, Mary. So long, Dennis. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Ah, that's going to be a lot of fun tonight. I wonder what suit I should wear. I think I'll wear the brown one. Ladies and gentlemen, the National Foundation for Infantile Paralysis is in immediate need of help. The March of Dimes funds have been exhausted fighting this year's epidemic of polio. $14.5 million must be raised within the next seven days. So won't you please help to fight this dread disease? Please send your dimes and dollars to polio, care of your local post office. We cannot abandon America's children. Remember, send your dimes and dollars to polio in care of your local post office. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. First, 6-day bond. To give you a finer, milder, more enjoyable cigarette, luckies pay more. Yes, at the tobacco auctions, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco. Picture a vast high-ceiling warehouse. The aisles lined with baskets of golden tobacco. Here's an especially fine basket of mild, ripe leaf. The auctioneer sings out the bids. Higher and higher goes the price. Now at the very peak bid, you hear... And another basket of fine, light, naturally mild tobacco is sold to Lucky Strike. And that's the way it goes time and again at market after market. Yes, luckies pay more, millions of dollars more than official parody prices for fine tobacco. LSMFT, LSMFT. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Mild, mellow tobacco that gives you more, far more, real, deep down smoking enjoyment. So for a finer smoke, smoke the cigarette of fine tobacco. Yes, light up a Lucky. You will agree in all the world there's no finer cigarette than Lucky Strike. Yes, doctor. Mr. Benny is acting very strangely. Well, doctor, first he gave a western union boy a dollar tip and then he ordered a case of champagne as a birthday gift for a... What? Yes, Benny. B-E-N-N-Y. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in the day of the life of Dennis Day and stay tuned for the Emma Stanley Show which follows immediately. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting Center.