 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live video for you today. Our topic, oh shoot, what is it? When a guy genuinely loves you, he says these five things. He'll say these five things if he genuinely loves you. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if anytime during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. So once again, all I ask is you give me a little chance. All right, let's jump into this topic of when a guy genuinely loves you, what does he say? I think it's important though, before we get into the particulars of what a man does when he's actually in a relationship, I think we should address the elephant in the room. And that is the dysfunctionality of the current dating process. I'm gonna repeat that the dysfunctionality of the current dating process. And what's interesting was last night I had dinner with a couple of my old insurance broker friends back when I used to be in the insurance business. And one of the guys was asking me about my content and where do I come up with my content? And he was actually asking me, what's original thought? What is original thought? And I'm really glad he did share that because quite frankly, from what I understand, there is no such thing as original thought from the perspective of all, there's an accumulation of information out there that many of us have read over the years or experienced over the years. And then we regurgitate that in our own style. So to the extent what we were talking about was the difference between my style of delivering information versus the actual content itself. Let me reframe what I meant. There's no such thing as original content is what he was saying. And to some degree, that's true. And the reason why I'm bringing this up folks is that much of the advice I share on my channel is because of the books I've read, because of all the coaching experiences I've had. And so to the suggest that I'm creating original thought wouldn't be necessarily true. In fact, many times when I want an answer to my own questions and what I mean to say when I'm shooting a video, I would just simply type in when a guy genuinely loves a woman, what does he say? And you can do that. So I'm just letting you know that that's available to you. And so the content I'm gonna share today is both what I've read out there and a reflection of my own experiences. But I started this conversation about the dysfunctionality of the dating realm and why I wanted to spend a few minutes talking about that before I get into the particulars of this topic is that we are seeing in the last 20 years and in particular in the last few years a real shift in humanity, a real shift in humanity. And what I mean to say is ever since the invention of these devices and certainly in the last 10 years in particular, we have been bombarded with technology and the manipulation of how technology affects many of the people out there. In fact, I was watching a video by Louis Howe earlier today. The author he was interviewing wrote a book about focus because of all the disconnect we have going on because of the information overload we're experiencing, the information overload. Now why I'm bringing this to your attention is many people like to fantasize about how dating and relationship should be based on an old paradigm 40, 50, 60, 70, 100 years ago. And that paradigm doesn't exist today because of these devices. In addition, we are no longer experiencing at least here in the United States, we're not experiencing war. So there's not this need to actually physically protect people like it once was hundreds, if not thousands of years and this is critically important as well because what I'm about to share today is what I'm observing the real crisis that's going on in the dating, mating and relating realm, at least here in the United States in particular is the divide that we're experiencing in this country, particularly between the red and the blue, the vaccinated and the non-vaccinated, the people who are religiously inclined versus those who are atheists and whatnot or spiritual but not religious. And why I'm bringing this to your attention and why this is so critically important for this particular conversation is that men and women alike don't feel emotionally safe in the dating realm. Men and women like don't feel emotionally safe. Now, some of the contributing factors as I just shared was the bombardment of technology that didn't exist 20, 30, 40 years ago. That's one thing that's weighing on us emotionally. And then the divide between people, again, speaking particularly here in the United States, I don't know what it's like around the world, but this is, and also the political climate has created a lot of tension. In fact, you can't swipe a dating app these days without someone saying if you voted for so-and-so swipe the other way. And why this is so critically important is people are seeking their tribe, they're seeking the people that they feel safe with not from a physical safety because we're no longer experiencing war time like we used to. I'm talking about emotional safety, emotional safety. And this is one of the challenges in the dating realm because these days most of the time we're meeting total strangers, we're meeting total strangers. And do you remember what your mother, father told you about strangers? Beware of strangers. And I'm not suggesting that we should feel this sense of guardedness when we meet a stranger, that's not what I'm suggesting at all. What's lacking is a level of familiarity. A level of familiarity with one another which makes it difficult when there isn't this common, there aren't these common experiences like your parents know, each parent knows each other or each family member knows each other or your friends know each other. There's this level of emotional safety and because there's so much divide going on in the world there's a distressing lack of emotional safety these days. And this is true for men as well. Let me just say this. I know from a feminine or female perspective and I wanna use the word feminine, I wanna use from the female perspective there's both a physical safety but certainly an emotional safety but ultimately folks, emotional safety is critically important for a man to actually want to lean into a relationship. In fact, most men won't fully commit in a relationship unless he feels a level of emotional safety on a, certainly on a unconscious level. He might be not thinking about it from a conscious level but on an unconscious level, if by the way, both men and women like when you don't feel emotionally safe it makes it very difficult to actually start building a bond with one another. And yet men of my contemporaries are selling you on this old traditional way of dating that men are the hunters and that they chase and all a woman has to do is be in her feminine energy. All you have to do is be in your feminine energy because a man will chase you. Well, let's get real today. Certainly from an attraction based way of dating which is I'm attracted to you. I wanna have sex with you. Men will proceed heavily, will proceed with a lot of vigor and a lot of bravado when we're sexually attracted to you but that doesn't guarantee relationship success. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg most of you do know by now but I'm gonna share it with everyone. Look above the waterline says the word attraction and you can see the tip of the iceberg says chemistry. Below the waterline is compatibility which is shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. This is when we feel emotionally safe with someone not when we wanna fuck each other's brains out that's the chemistry piece. And sadly, this is one of the biggest challenges with dating, mating and relating today is developing that level of emotional safety with one another. This is why I continually say this over and over again. The importance to be radically honest in the early stage of dating and more so to actually have a game plan of why are the two of you doing this? A shot of video this morning said what does a man need before he can commit to you? He needs a plan. He needs to know that he wants commitment so ladies write this down to help you in your future dating endeavors. Ask a man why does he want a relationship and furthermore why does he want a committed relationship? This is two powerful questions. Now most men are gonna be dear in the headlights. They're gonna be, oh my God, what's that? I don't know what you're talking about. I just wanna have a good time. Can't we just have a good time? It's all about having a good time. In fact, that's the way the dating realm is today. It's hyper focused on the good time and not the understanding does this person share the same values? And by the way, as I shared in the beginning of this broadcast, I talked about, by the way, if you differ on vaccines, you don't feel emotionally safe with this person. You don't share the same values just on that topic alone. And God forbid the other topics where you may be misaligned. And I'm not suggesting that you have to be aligned down the center on everything. I'm just here to suggest that it's important to have these conversations early on so you can develop this level of emotional safety. This is why lately I've been recommending this book by Malcolm Gladwell called Talking to Strangers. Talking to Strangers, what you should know about the people you don't know. Folks, this isn't a dating and relationship book. This is a humanity-based book. This is about learning how to actually get to know another human being. And the ladies on my channel know what I'm about to say next is before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should be purchasing the book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman and reading this together so you can determine if you guys are actually emotionally safe enough to begin a relationship together. But it fascinates me how, and no disrespect to women because you're entitled to do whatever you want, okay? And men too. Human beings are entitled to do whatever they want. But it amazes me how quickly people will focus on the sex piece of the relationship and not the compatibility piece of a relationship because ultimately, where does genuine love reside? It resides when you feel both physically and emotionally safe with one another. And when a man feels that level of emotional safety, that's when he'll start leaning into a deeper level of the relationship and he'll start doing these five things I'm about to share with you. All right, so I think you get a gist of where, so my premise is here is this. I think the conversation about emotional safety is almost non-existent in the dating, mating, and relating realm conversation, particularly emotional safety for men. I don't believe there aren't that many coaches out there and many people talking about this. This is my, to my extent, my original thought that I started this conversation with, the original thought, and what I mean to say is this. I think it's important to stop looking at dating or relationships from the micro, the old traditional way of doing things and start looking at it from the bigger picture. Where are we at in this world today and why aren't things working out between couples? I invite everyone to start asking the deeper questions instead of the questions that men are commitment phobic and men are no good and men are bad. I mean, I'm so fucking tired of the men are bad rhetoric. And by the way, men do this with women as well. Men are just as much jackasses when it comes to women and complaining about women as well. This is why if there's the more, this creates more of a divide between the genders than bringing us closer together. This is why I highly recommend everybody reading this book if the Buddha dated, because it takes out the stupid gender rhetoric that's causing the divide and it says, how can we connect with each other at a heart-centered level? Check out this book. And by the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. By the way, I should plug my own book. What the heck is self love anyway, listed below. All right, so I promised you the topic of the five things a guy says when he genuinely loves you, let's jump in. Here's my notes and let's get started. So number one, remember I started this conversation about emotional safety, what I'm about to share with number one is a perfect example when a man feels like you're his friend, a good friend, he's actually going to give you shit. When a man feels like you're a good friend, he'll give you shit. And what I mean to say, he'll tease you. Teasing somebody is a great indicator when a man teases you, that's a great indicator because we men tease our male friends. It's just a natural byproduct of what men do with one another. And I don't mean a disrespectful tease, but when he sees you as a friend, he's going to tease you. And that's a great sign that he actually cares about you. Now, you might have a disconnect with your sense of humor and you may not like his teasing, but I will tell you that teasing is actually a sign that he genuinely cares about you because that's what we do with our male friends. We call it giving shit with one another. So when a guy gives you shit, now hopefully he does it in a respectful way. Speaking of shit, let that shit go with my coffee mug says. But I'm saying he'll tease you in a kind, loving way. That's a great sign that he genuinely cares about you and he might even love you as well. Okay, so that's number one. Number two, he knows when something's bugging you. He knows when something's bugging you and he'll check in and he'll say the words, tell me what's up, tell me more, tell me about that. When a man genuinely cares about your feelings, he's actually aware of when something feels off. He's genuinely aware when something feels off and he'll actually start leaning in and asking what's up. That's a great sign that he genuinely cares about you and he genuinely loves you when he says, what's up, tell me more, I wanna check in with you. That's a great sign. Number three, he pays attention to your needs. He pays attention to your needs. I shared this in a previous broadcast before. I was in a relationship with a woman who had two big dogs and the dog foods, I think, the dog food packages were either 25 or 50 pounds, very heavy for her to pick up. So I used to say, hey, would you like me to go to the store and get the dog food for your dogs? In other words, can I do that for you? When a guy sees that you need something and he asks you, can I give this to you? That's a great sign, he genuinely loves you because he's paying attention to your needs and he wants to fill your needs. By the way, I know a lot of coaches will tell women, make your man feel like your hero, give him the jar of peanut butter and have him open it or the jar of jelly that might be stuck in open so you can be your hero. A real hero is actually paying attention to your needs and then they step in without you having to ask. That's a genuine hero. You don't need to make a man a hero. He wants to be your hero and a man who genuinely loves you is paying attention to your needs and he says, can I do that for you? Number four, he starts to do things that you like to do. He starts to do the things that you like to do. So let me give you an example. The same woman I was in relationship, every time we went out to a restaurant, she would want to yelp the restaurant to read the reviews and I'll be candid with you, it used to drive me nuts. But here's what happened because I genuinely cared. Oftentimes I'd say, before we went out to a dinner, I go, hey, I should yelp that restaurant we were talking about the other day. These are the kind of things a man says when he genuinely deeply loves you, he'll start saying, hey, I'll do, he knows your needs and he'll start anticipating it in advance and that's a great sign. This guy genuinely deeply loves you. And number five, he invites you into his life, his family, his friends, his work, he's proud to show you off. And he basically says, can you join me in my life? Can you join me in my life? That's what a guy says when he genuinely cares about you because he wants to invite you to his family, his friends, his work, all the things that matter to him, can you join me in my life? And that's a great sign that a guy genuinely, a man genuinely deeply loves you because he'll start saying these things. He'll tease you, he'll say, tell me more. He says, I'll get that for you. I'll yelp that or I'll do that for you. Kind of the same thing. And he's proud to show you off by saying, can you join me on these events? This is a great sign that a guy genuinely, deeply loves you when he starts doing this. Are you in agreement with me? If you are, say yes, give me an amen. So that covers our content portion of our live stream today. We're gonna do a very short Q&A for those that are listening live right now in the video chat. There's a chat box there. You have a question for me, write the word question, then post the question thereafter or purchase a super sticker or a super chat. There's a little dollar sign down there. You can actually contribute, all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor, as like Connor passed away a few years ago. Here's a picture of him right there. And in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to help to defray the cost of personal development and to donate to those personal development causes that I think have a great deal of impact on making a difference in the world. So post a question there. And if you're listening to the audio portion of this, you won't be able to see any of this. All right, if you have questions for me, post a question right now. All right, let's go swim in. Let's see what we've got in the Q&A box. Let's see what we got. And if we don't have any questions, oh, here we go. Lisa says, hey Lisa, big hugs to you. Question, where are the men who are willing to put some effort into the dating process? Where are the men who are willing to put in the effort in the dating process? I love this question, Lisa. So whenever I get the question, where are the good men? Where are the conscious men? Where are the commitment men? I always say the exact same thing. They're in the exact same place where those exact same type of women are hanging out. They're in the exact same place. Because the reality is, is whenever you ask where there are, that's such. Lisa, I know you're a sweetheart, so please forgive me what I'm about to say. It's a question that really makes no point because good people are everywhere. I wanna invite you, okay, so let's take this question deeper. How can I meet a man? How can I meet a man who's aligned to who I am and what I want? I'm gonna repeat that. How can I meet a man who's aligned to who I am, what I want? I'd rather that be your question than where are they? How can I meet that person? So it might mean you start going online dating roughly about 50% of all new relationships for people over 45 years old is happening through an online connection. So you might wanna start with the online dating sites as one place to go. You might start wanting to do the activities you love that you know that they're going to be other men. The problem with this is in today's realm, this organic way of meeting, the real challenges in your midlife is you don't know when your meetings, because everyone's a stranger, you don't know if they're married, they have a girlfriend, they just broke up with someone, they've got issues. So this makes it more difficult and you don't know where they stand. This is why online dating has become so popular. In fact, as I said, roughly 50% of all new relationships are happening through an online connection. So coming back to your question, they're online dating, just like women are online dating. Okay, yes, there are, and sadly, only a small percentage of the population is online dating. A significant percentage of the single population isn't even making effort. By the way, as people age, people in their 50s, 60s, and 70s, they make almost little or no effort trying to connect because they've given up on the idea of being made it. I'm gonna repeat that, they've given up the idea of being made it. So this is true of men and women alike. So I'm here to say, instead of asking where are they, I invite you Lisa to go, how can I meet that person? And at the moment, online dating happens to be the number one place where more people are congregating than ever before. And this didn't, by the way, there was a movie called Sleepless in Seattle some years back, I think it was in the 90s with Tom Hanks. And there's a scene where Tom Hanks is talking to a friend and his now wife, Rita Wilson, she's in the scene. And I think it was, the friend said to Rita, it's easier to be killed by a terrorist than it is to find love in your 40s. I mean, I'm sorry, and that's, I'm bastardizing the quote, but it's something along those lines. That was back in the 90s. We, you know, with the invention of this, and by the way, there's a blessing and curse with that comes with the technology, is that now we have access to people we wouldn't otherwise have and it coming back to the original conversation. And this is why there's a lack of emotional safety because sadly we're meeting strangers. I'm sorry, this is the world we live in. So how do we work around this? By becoming who we want to attract, by becoming who we want to attract. This is why I continually recommend everybody doing personal development, self-help and spiritual work. So you actually are, because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself. I won't repeat that. The most important relationship you'll ever have is the relationship with yourself. So in this particular case, when you're at, you know, it's, I'm here to invite everyone. It's not about meeting a guy or a gal. It's about meeting the love of your life that resides within yourself. And that's my invitation for everyone. So Lisa, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's keep swimming. Oh, I want to thank Julia for the $2 Super Sticker. She says, are you willing to share how much you have raised? Oh, okay, so sure. By the way, we've raised about $2,200 in the last six months with the Super Sticker Super Chat. I've already donated about $1,500 of that to the Hoffman process was one place. And then I can't remember. I donated to Insight seminars and a few other places. So that's how much we've raised. Thank you so much for that Super Sticker. I really appreciate it. Hey, we have a guy who's written a question here. Question from Michael. Question, dating four months. I tell her feelings and say these things. I'm open my heart and intentions, but she doesn't communicate feelings to me. Says, sex shows, sex shows her feelings. How long do I persevere? Oh, so folks, I'm so happy to see a man in our group today and share exactly what we've just been, what we've talked about, emotional safety, okay? And here's, well, let me re-backtrack. Most likely the reason why she isn't opening up is she doesn't feel emotionally safe. Why doesn't she feel emotionally safe? Most likely she's had childhood wounds or traumas or adult traumas that have caused negative patterns or limiting beliefs in her life and she hasn't healed from those childhood wounds or traumas or adult traumas. That's number one. Number two, she might have attracted you in her life because you are most likely, and I'm not suggesting this is the case, you are most likely an anxious love attacher and she's most likely an avoidant love attacher. If you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend checking out this book which helps you understand love attachment style, okay? Love attachment style. This will definitely help you, Michael. In addition, what you might also represent, you might be familiar to her as if you were one of her parents. And if you're not familiar with the Amago, I highly recommend reading the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks, by the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. This is where we oftentimes choose people based on our familiar family origin. And so maybe, so coming back to your question is how long do you persevere? Look it, I'm a big believer of emotional intimacy. If you're not familiar, I've been talking about this book a lot lately. Emotional intimacy by Robert Masters, okay? I would suggest buying two copies of this book and saying, hey, let's talk about this together. Or as I always talk about the book, eight dates to determine if you guys are really a compatible fit with one another because rather than trying to, by the way, you know, I'm gonna come back to my, I've shared this once before. When I met my now ex-wife, you know, we got along well, but you know, I married her because, you know, it was programming. You know, I was told to go to college, get a job, meet a gal, get married, buy a house, start a family. I did programming. However, we were complete, we were quite a bit misaligned. We were misaligned. And I used to just bury my head in the sand thinking, you know, somehow magic ferried us will change this narrative. And 12 years later, we got divorced, okay? Because magic ferried us doesn't change the narrative. What changes the narrative is communicating with one another through radical honesty. And what you find oftentimes is that you're not compatible with one another, but it's better to find that out earlier rather than later. So Michael, this isn't about persevering. This is about leaning in. This isn't about leaning back. This is about leaning in and being radically honest with her because it is through radical honesty can we even have a chance at emotional safety with one another. And it is through emotional safety that she will open up on an emotional level. And she may not be capable of it. She might need to do a lot of healing to get there. And you may not be, it may not be your job to be sitting in the wings while she does that. This is why I highly recommend everybody reading the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process to heal childhood wounds and traumas. Because most likely what you're experiencing is an avoidant personality or someone who's been deeply wounded and has not healed. Most likely, I'm not saying that's an absolute. Don't persevere, lean in, have these conversations, then see what's up. And by the way, I haven't talked about this book in a while, but I highly recommend, well, here, ah, I'm gonna drop all these books. Two other books for you, Michael. How to build trust in a relationship and couples communication. These are thin books, okay? Pause the video later, come back and write these down. This will help you with the conversation because guess what? It is only through healthy communication, active listening. Can you actually build a relationship together? This perseverance or leaning back or waiting for magic fairy deaths isn't going to help your relationship. Lean into radical honesty. And that's my invitation for you, Michael. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Thank you so much. All right, we're gonna take one more question. Oh, I wanna thank Logan for the super stickers. Thank you so much. All right, let's see. Let's see, let's see, let's see. All right, this will be our last question of the day. It's from Lisa again. Question, if a guy tells you immediately that he had a bad childhood, is that a deal breaker? Great question. So folks, here's how I would, so I was working with a client of mine. And by the way, if you need some support on this, check out the link to a discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is how to ask better questions in the early stage of dating, but I had a client that asked about some man's childhood and he said, and I quote, I had a despicable mother. I had a despicable mother. And I thought, wow, that is really strong language. That is strong language. What she did next was because we've talked about this in my coaching practice, is she asked him, how did you heal from that? How did you heal from that? How did you heal from that? And he didn't have a response because he stuffed it. He buried it. How he healed with it? He hyper-focused on work. He hyper-focused on physical fitness, but he's done almost little or no personal development work to heal. And that most likely he suffered a severe trauma to use the words I had a despicable mother. So when someone tells you that a bad childhood, the follow-up question is how did you heal from that? How did you heal from that? And then listen to their response. Sadly, most people haven't done healing. And this is why it takes sometimes decades for men that go through an emotional crisis to heal. And a lot of times they use drugs and alcohol as their healing method instead of actually interpersonal work, introspective work, looking within. So that's my invitation for you on this one. And that was a great question. So thank you so much for that one, Lisa. Really appreciate it. All right. Michael says, if it doesn't look good, yeah, it doesn't look good, probably not. All right, folks, you know, we're gonna do a short live stream today. It's Friday. I want you to go out and enjoy the weekend. Go out and do something fun. I wanna remind everyone, it is a very dysfunctional dating. That's the word I'm looking for. Dating, mating or relating can feel very dysfunctional. I think the primary cause of this, particularly in the last 10 years is a bombardment of technology, a bombardment of the divide between especially here in the United States, a divide amongst humanity and truly a lack of emotional safety within human beings. And this is why please be careful listening to the rhetoric that says, men are supposed to do this and women are supposed to do that. I wanna invite everybody to lean into their heart because ultimately what's going to make a relationship happen in your life when you feel emotionally safe with one another and when you can start being radically honest right from the get go. I had a client send me a text message she sent a guy. She did a beautiful radical honesty text message for a man that she's had three dates with and he completely, completely collapsed because he can't go down the rabbit hole of intimacy. Intimacy means into me you see. And until there's intimacy in a relationship which is a byproduct of emotional safety, relationships aren't going to go the distance, relationships aren't going, men and women aren't gonna be doing the loving things to actually build the roots of trust to deeper connection with another human being. And this is why I'm here to invite everyone to look inward, start by leading by example with radical honesty because the wrong people are gonna scurry away and the right people as I say in my book, by the way chapter one of my book if it's speak your truth do it with kindness and chapter nine if it's sincere and from the heart you can't say the wrong thing to the right person and that's my invitation for everyone. I wanna thank you for allowing me to come into your life today. Please do me a favor purchase a super sticker super chat before we wrap up today that little dollar sign for the Connor Asley scholarship fund. As always, if you need support check out the link to a discovery call check out my podcast, check out my membership group follow me on Instagram and check out all the books below this is in the description. I wanna wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic job and bearer of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, Pat, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Natalie and Kit Kat and Lisa and totally chill and Kelly and Michael who joined us. Thank you for having a guy in here and he's a perfect example. Ladies, there are good men out there. I want you to know where's Glenn by the way, Colleen Natalie, PB and Berry, Sherriot or Glenn and everyone that joined us today. Thank you so much. Wishing you a bright, beautiful and blessed day. Take care now. Bye now.