 for the parents. Say you're a single mom or single dad, which is already like there's going to be some stress in that. How do you help your kid to not develop this nice guy syndrome? The best way I know to do that is through modeling and probably you're aware of that that you know if your daughter sees you doing certain things she'll probably model it. You know mostly they say for example yes most most children that smoke grew up seeing adults smoke or you know most that develop drinking issues saw adults not that's not always the case but our children model our behavior for good and for bad. So if we're going back to what I was talking about of you filling your own bucket up for example if your daughter sees you consciously surrounding yourself with lots of resources those cooperative reciprocal relationships I was talking about whereas you and your friends it's you and professionals that you have in your life your doctor your dentists your chiropractor your accountant your co you know co-workers and you are consciously getting what you need to fill your bucket from those resources as you also give you and I right now have a cooperative reciprocal relationship we both agreed to be here we both assume we'll get something of benefit out of being here together and you know if afterwards said and done if either one of us decided that wasn't worth the time or investment we probably wouldn't do it again but if both of us felt like hey that was worthwhile that was beneficial we would very definitely consider doing that again that's what a cooperative reciprocal relationship is so if your daughter for example sees you spending time with your girlfriends exercising eating healthy meditating going for walks in the park laughing having fun surrounding yourself with goodness that fills your life fills your bucket then you're giving to her from the overflow and she will then model those same behaviors a good a good model for this is a guy named m scott peck wrote a book called the road less traveled it's probably 40 years old I've heard is the all-time best selling self-help book and there's a whole chapter in there on discipline I'm a whole section the whole section on love and he says love I'm gonna paraphrase it is the giving to oneself or to another in a way that promotes ones or another's spiritual growth now you could also just say well-being okay and he says and I teach this in a lot of my programs he has this really cool model that I've expanded on he says if the if the parents are meeting their needs in a timely judicious way filling their own bucket up if they have healthy differentiated relationship with each other to where mom and dad aren't in what I call an ownership fused relationship which is you belong to me therefore you should constantly fill my bucket up because I feel so empty that's how most of us do our intimate relationships but if our partner is just one more of our cooperative reciprocal relationships just one of many bucket fillers that we have in our life and we're one for them as well both mom and dad's buckets are going to be filled and then peck says if the parents can then take the time to pay attention to each of their child's needs and respond to their needs in timely and judicious ways and I add consistent to that list because I think consistency is a real important key so if you as a mom are filling your own bucket you're surrounded with good resources to keep your bucket full to keep you energized you can then pay attention to you you'll have time to pay attention to your daughter you'll see what her own particular needs are in any given moment you'll give to them in timely ways you'll give to her in judicious ways and as I'm sure you've already found out giving judiciously to our children requires the wisdom of Solomon you know you know do you give your 11 year old wait till she's probably come before 11 it probably happened at nine maybe it's already happened she comes home says mom I need an iPhone you know I need an iPhone 12 yeah so I need an iPhone and you know your 11 year old doesn't need an iPhone because it's probably not good for it to have an iPhone but maybe every one of her friends has an iPhone and you don't want her to feel left out and not apart and oh what do you do with that I mean those are yeah it seems like a not that important decision but those are the important decisions of judicious giving to your children so so you if you if you're giving to your child judiciously and consistently peck says that a child internalizes at the emotional level so we're going back to talking about our emotional internalization our emotional operating system the child will internalize I am important I'm lovable I'm valuable that's number one number two my needs are important and number three that the world is like my family now if that doesn't happen if your children don't get their needs met in timely judicious way they internalize the opposite I'm not I'm not lovable valuable or important my needs are not important and the world is like my family so they're going to go out into the world treating interacting with the world like nobody's going to love me or meet my needs unless I like give to them first or you know use whatever my survival mechanism is but there's one more but internal belief system that children develop if their parents are not doing a very effective job of meeting their own needs and then giving to the child in time to do dishes consistent ways often the parent will use the child to come meet some of their needs emotional needs social needs needs for physical connection and when a child is used to meet a parasite it's called parentification the child will always believe that they're not good enough because remember children are grandiose and narcissistic and egotistical if mom is sad and leaning on their child the child thinks I should make mom not sad but because mom is sad and sad in ways that a child can't fix and continues to be sad the child internalizes I'm not good enough I can't make mom be not sad I can't make dad not be angry so the child also develops that fourth belief system I'm not good enough and then goes out into the world and interacts with the world thinking I'm not valuable I'm not lovable my needs aren't important and I'm not good enough but going back to your question if you've been consistently judiciously timely meeting your daughter's needs not perfectly by any means but just you know shooting for you know being good enough your child will internalize the belief system I'm valuable I'm important my needs are important as I go out into the world I go to preschools I go to kindergarten as I go to schools I start dating in junior high as I you know on and on I'm going to believe that I'm valuable my needs are important and the world is going to respond in kind and I don't know about you but I think about that at times what would have been like to have been in junior high thinking I'm valuable I'm lovable my needs are important and everybody else recognizes that I'm thinking how powerful that would be and so that's how you how we raise our children to develop this internalized system where they don't have to be using their defense mechanisms or survival mechanisms or covert contracts now we're not going to get it perfect none of us do we all had imperfect parents we're going to be imperfect parents we're going raise imperfect children and in fact giving yourself permission to be an imperfect parent and letting your child be an imperfect child it's one of the greatest gifts that you can give them because I see a lot of parents nowadays wanting their children to be perfect so they can feel like perfect parents you know these helicopter parents that go you're going to study this you're going to go to this camp in this camp in this camp you're going to make these grades and you're going to go to this kind of college you know that helicopter parent that's a burden on a child it doesn't let the child differentiate and just be who they are maybe the child just wants to be an artist or play music or travel the world but no you're going to get into MIT you're going to get into Stanford you're going to make the good enough grades to get that that that creates also that belief in children that they're not good enough and and they've got to be perfect to be loved so letting your child be their imperfect self is also a great gift to give your child you raise your kid thinking and I'm not going to be doing this but if you do raise your kid and they end up thinking they're not good enough does that lead to individuals who try and be better and are more motivated and end up being more successful well it depends on our definition of success yes not happy like maybe from the outside looking successful yeah and that's a good question and of course we can look around and see that and maybe we see it in ourselves is that yeah there's a part of me that that wants to achieve a certain degree of success so that you know I can feel good about myself and people will value me and there's there's a difference and I think the differences you just have to feel the difference for example I got a PhD at 29 years old and I think I was motivated number one I almost dropped out of high school high school just bored me I was just totally lost and uninterested once I quit playing sports I lost interest and luckily I got with some really good teachers I got into debate and and got into some stuff that energized me then all of a sudden you know studying and making good grades felt felt just internal it felt interesting I wanted to apply myself now well you could try to make grades trying to get made good grades by trying to look good or get approval or validation or by the time I got to college then and through college and then through graduate school I maintained about a 3.8 grade point average and I think there's some part of me that was yeah look at me I made these kind of grades but not not a very big part of me most of it just was I can do this this feels good and that's what that's the difference of how it feels and where I'm at in life right now I'm 65 years old most people start like thinking about retiring at my age I have no interest in retiring and I don't even know what that would look like I'd still get them do what I do and I got I got nothing else that I have to prove to anybody or accomplish and so I'm purely motivated by the love of doing what I do it just it just excites me I mean just two experiences that you know before you and I started your call your your producer said Robert I read your book it was really powerful at an important time in my life I said thank you for telling me that that feels good right that that that might my ego isn't built on that but it felt good knowing that that I made a difference and and it felt good when I heard Adam Lane Smith somebody that I don't know personally say a really nice thing about me on your podcast I thought I had to turn the podcast off and just sit with it and just sit with it and think that that was so out of left field I didn't see that coming and it just because I didn't and I just thought wow that felt really good now I don't do what I do to try to keep getting that you know those nice words and nice things I do what I do because I love what what I do and I'm glad that it makes a difference and has an impact on people's life so for example with you and your daughter you could try well I'm going to do this and do this and then she'll be a happy child and I'll I'll look like a good parent and all you know blah blah blah and that that's that external validation kind of thing that's driven from not feeling good enough inside but if you just enjoy the experience of being a mother with your daughter and just love to death just being a mom with her then you're you're just going to be you it's going to feel good it's going to feel natural you're going to make mistakes you're going to snap at her occasionally you're going to let her hear things you didn't wish you didn't hear but you know what it's okay because you know you know you're open-hearted and loving towards her it just feels different than that feeling of my child's got to get good grades she's got to look good she's got to make a good impression she's got to make me look like a good mom it just feels different and and you can just check inside to feel the difference in it yeah