 Hey guys, my name is Boris. I'm a physician assistant and I've been advising pre-PA students on how to get into PA school and focusing particularly on how to write an excellent personal statement that will stand out and set you aside from all of your competition. I've been doing this for about four years now since I was in PA school and today I thought it would be helpful to give you some live examples, some real-life examples of essays that I've edited and I'll give you a section that's before so what the student originally wrote and my comments, the comments that I gave them to fix it and then after what they came up with after. So these are all essays that were from at least two, if not three years ago and all of these people are now either in PA school or have already graduated. So these are all from success stories and you get to see what their either paragraph or sentence look like beforehand, what I said and then what it's going to look like after. All right, so I think this is going to be very helpful for you guys. This is the first time I'm doing anything like this with real examples from real essays. Of course, I got express permission from all of these pre-PA students to use their work in my video. They want to help out. They know what it's like to be in your shoes as a pre-PA student, just hoping and praying and just like really wanting to get in and how difficult it is and how difficult the CASPA is and then how much pressure there is to write an excellent personal statement to really stand out, right? So they know the struggle. I know the struggle. We all went through it and we just want to help you out, okay? So hopefully you guys enjoy this. This is going to be part one. Just so these videos aren't crazy long. This is going to be part one. I'm going to give maybe one, two, three examples and then the next one's going to give one or two, maybe three and the next one and the next one and the next one, all right? So I'm going to keep doing this. So let me know if this is helpful and check it out. Yeah, there we go. You should see my screen. All right. So example number one, and I'm just going to show this to you. I'm going to read it and then, you know, so on and so forth, right? So here we go. Example number one, check this out. And I think this was actually the first, this was the first paragraph of this particular student's personal statement. So this is the first paragraph, okay? Before, this is what he originally wrote, having no alternative. I wake at 2 a.m. Nobody plans to be awake at that hour. Yet the blaring incessant paging tone that I know all too well from my time at Smith County EMS. By the way, this is not a real EMS company. I had to kind of change some names and some things around just so you can't identify this particular person. So anyway, Smith County EMS is fake. Sorry. Anyway, I know all too well for my time at Smith County EMS jolts me out of bed once again. I get dressed quickly and my partner and I make our way into a snow has never come easy. My ability to embody our self-proclaimed motto on shift, no matter what time it is or the number of calls we have taken previously, as. Yeah, you can already tell that's awkward and I'm probably going to comment on that below, but that was a pretty awkward sentence. Let's keep going. No call too small. I realize now, after three years of working on my community in Smithville, also a fake community in Smithville, that while this phrase began as a satirical mantra to help me with the monotonous grind of life as a first responder, it has turned into the ideal mindset for which I approach each call each day of my life. Not every call is a moment to be glorified, but it is always an opportunity to better someone else's circumstances. I've learned the healing power that a simple cup of coffee without any conversation attached can provide my partner after a particularly stressful call. That's beautiful. I love that. I bring more than the life pack and my medical bag with me on scene. I do what I can to share a positive mental attitude and I use my ability to disseminate enthusiasm for all of life's experiences to calm others or excite them. Okay, so just real quick, I really like what this person said. You know, I like a lot of the content of the paragraph, just the way that this person said some of these things is quite awkward. So let's see what I wrote. And this is like three years ago, but I did read this again and I completely stand by all of my comments. All right. So let's see what I told this person and I'll put the paragraph as much on the screen as I can just so you can see the comments and you can see the paragraph as I'm reading the comments. All right. So here we go. My comments. Take the first sentence out. So having no alternative, I wake at 2 a.m. Eh, we don't need it, right? First off, having no alternative. I don't really like that. It sounds kind of negative. You don't want to be negative at all. And two, I wake at 2 a.m. I mean, we kind of talk about that later on in the paragraph, but either way, I told him to take it out. So take the first sentence out. Then I said, I really like the way you're painting the picture here. There was a lot of imagery. It really was a good story. I think every PA reading this essay will remember waking up at 2 a.m. to go to work. Yeah, absolutely. We've all done a graveyard shift. We've all done an overnight. We've all spent time at the ER in the OR, whatever. We've all worked long hours. So kind of putting yourself on the same page as the people reading your essay, most of which are going to be PAs is definitely a good thing to do. You know, kind of they'll empathize with you if you bring up some memories like that. Anyway, I continued. I said, I see what you're trying to say with this sentence while getting out of bed in the middle of the night has never come easy. My ability to embody our self-proclaimed motto on shift no matter what time it is or the number of calls we have taken previously has. And then I said, but it took me several reads to understand it. And I just read it again three years later and it's like, I still don't really understand exactly what you're trying to say. I get bits and pieces of it, but man, that is a very awkward sentence. So that's why I commented on it. And I further said, I would rewrite that sentence to make it less wordy. In general, try using fewer words when possible. Try to combine two or three sentences together to be more efficient. You only have 5,000 characters, guys. Every word has to count. You can't use too much description. You can't like be redundant. You can't say the same thing twice in two different ways. You got to make it very efficient, guys. Like 5,000 characters is not a lot. So you can't just like be super wordy like this. I continued, I said, try to combine two or three sentences together to make it more efficient. Also, I would start the whole essay with your motto, no call too small because I actually love that. I also said, I also wouldn't call your experience a monotonous grind. Again, don't be negative. Do not be negative about anything. Don't blame others. Don't blame people. Don't be negative, okay? So don't call your experience a monotonous grind. Definitely paint the picture and show the admission committee that you've embraced the grind, but don't be negative about it. All right, so these are my comments. And drum roll, please. Let's see what this person came up with after implementing my comments. And I think we may have gone back and forth a couple of times, I can't remember. But my comments implemented. This is the new paragraph. First off, before I even read it, look at the size difference. All right, just use your recruit ruler as they said in the Navy. You know, they didn't give us rulers, but things had to be exact. They said, use your recruit iron. We ironed with our hands. Use your recruit ruler anyway. I digress. But anyway, using your makeshift ruler here, look at how much smaller the after is than the before. The before is massive. We could actually, we have the technology. We could actually check out exactly how many characters this is, right? So check this out. And this is very important to do as you're writing. So this is 1,000, one, two, three, four. That's pretty crazy. That's cool. One, two, three, four, 1,234 characters out of your allotted 5,000. So it's about a 25% of what you're allowed just in the first paragraph. All right, so this was pretty wordy. However, the new and improved paragraph is, let's find out. The new and improved paragraph is 759. So this person shaved off about 500 characters, which is great. Much less characters in the intro means much more characters allowed for the rest of your essay. So you can elaborate on more examples and whatnot. And you be the judge whether or not you like this new much more efficient paragraph than the first one. So let me read it for you. My pager blares in my ear. It's 2 a.m. I hesitate for a moment and then remember, no call too small. So I get out of bed and dress quickly. My Smith County EMS partner and I forge our way through the snowstorm on another late night call. My three years of service to the community of Smithville has taught me that while not every call is a moment of life saving glory. Each one gives me an opportunity to improve someone's life. I have learned that a simple cup of coffee delivered without a word, but with a kind heart can calm my partner's nerves after a particularly stressful call. Most important tools I bring to work with me every day are my positive attitude and enthusiasm for life. Sometimes they are all a patient needs, no call too small. I just, I want to slow clap. Like I know if I clap too loud, the camera is going to freak out, but I just want to slow clap. This is wonderful. This person said absolutely everything that they said in the first, you know, iteration of this paragraph, but in much less space, much more efficient, much more easy to read. The same imagery was there, the beautiful imagery of bringing your partner a cup of coffee and how that helps, bringing the positive attitude with you even at two in the morning, how not every single moment is going to be like, you know, doing CPR and doing crazy stuff like you're on TV. Sometimes it's just talking somebody down who's feeling very anxious. You know, all of that is the life of a first responder. And I still think that this new and improved much more efficient paragraph encapsulates that encompasses all of that and illustrates it very, very well, but you don't need 1200 characters. You only need 700. And also not just for saving characters, but like delivering the same message much more quickly, much more efficiently. It's just easier to read guys. Like as someone who reads hundreds of these things, it's just easier to read. So when somebody goes off the rails and is super wordy and especially has sentences that you have to read like three or four times before you understand what the heck the person's trying to say, it's exhausting. And when you're exhausted, you're not happy and when you're not happy, you're going to probably rate this essay lower than you would if you were like, oh, this was nice. It's refreshing when something is efficient. It's refreshing when something is well written and it actually really stands out. So again, rewind this video, go back to the beginning and look at the difference. Look at this first 1200 character paragraph. Look at my comments, how they were implemented and then look at the new and improved 750 character paragraph and ask yourself, can I do that? So look at whatever you've written and see if you can use one sentence instead of two or three, combine certain things, get all the ideas out and then see if you could word them in a way where they still deliver the same powerful message with the same powerful imagery but in a much more efficient way. Okay, so let me just check very quickly how long this video already is and if it's not more than like 10 or 15 minutes I think we'll do another example. All right, what do you guys think? So let me see, I'm going to stop sharing my screen. You know what, it's not going to tell me. Okay, you know what, we'll see. If it's super long, I'll just break it up again and I'll just make this two videos, right? So let's, I'm sharing my screen now. Let's just do one more example, okay? So example number two and this is only one sentence. So hopefully it should go quicker but as you can see, I had a lot of comments on this one sentence. It's not like, I'm not just trying to fix a sentence and just move on and like especially now that people are paying me to do this I'm not trying to just like hurry up and fix it and move on and get paid and like, no, I don't care guys. I don't really need the money that comes from this. The only reason I charge my services is one so people take it serious, two so people don't take advantage of me and three because I just don't have that much time I do want to help but I don't have that much time. So like I got to kind of cut the numbers down by charging so all those things. But either way my point is I really want to help someone and I don't just want to help them with this one sentence I want to make you a better writer. I want to make you a better communicator. That's why I spend this much time as you can see in the comments explaining all of my reasoning for you know how I think this one sentence can be improved because if you improve this one sentence with these comments and hopefully you pay attention and you learn something then other sentences that I don't get to comment on or maybe future essays or if you do get an interview and your school does a writing sample during the interview you'll be a better writer because of these comments that I made and then you'll do better in the interview, right? So that's what I want to do when I help someone is I want them to become a better writer and that's also why I'm sharing this with all of you out there for free because I want all of you to be better writers I want all of you to be better communicators. We learn how to communicate with each other a little better there's less misunderstandings just going to be a happier healthier just more peaceful world, right? Yeah, maybe a bit of a stretch but I think communication language is tremendously important. All right, I'm gonna get off my soapbox. Let's go with example number two. All right, so example number two, the sentence. This is before, okay? This is the sentence that the prepay applicant wrote. My goal is to render my current experiences as a CNA and medical assistant into a lifelong continuum of patient care as a physician assistant. If I had hair, this sentence would make me want to just pull it out because this sentence makes two of the biggest mistakes I see that just absolutely drive me crazy. Number one is using big words that you don't usually use in normal conversation and trying to sound smart but having the total opposite effects and actually sounding dumb because you're using those words incorrectly, okay? So that's one. Two, no, no, that's basically it. Just one using words that you don't know how to use. Don't do that. And that's basically what I said in my comments. So I said, the sentence is confusing. It's confusing. I think it's confusing because you use the word render which means to provide or to give or to cause to be or become according to the Oxford Dictionary.com, OED.com, you know, fact check me. One trick I use to determine whether or not a particular word is, oh, one trick I use to determine whether I should use a particular word is to look up the definition and then replace the word with its definition. So in this case, it would be my goal is to provide my current experiences as a CNA and medical assistant into a lifelong continuum of patient care as a physician assistant or my goal is to become my current experiences as a CNA and a medical assistant into a lifelong continuum of patient care as a physician assistant. Does anybody, does that make sense to anybody? It doesn't because the words were used incorrectly. So render in this case, the word render is not a good choice. So that's why I did that. I continued and said, see how neither of these sentences make any sense. That means you should not use the word render. I also don't know what you mean by a lifelong continuum of patient care. My last comment regarding the sentence is about capitalization. Okay, hold on. So I'll get to the capitalization in a minute. But yeah, continuum like, okay. A continuum is what do you call it? Like a chronological order of things or like things that have some sort of an order. I just, I see what you're trying to say. I kind of get it. Like you're trying to say that you're going to try to apply your experiences as a CNA and medical assistant in your lifelong path of becoming a provider which ultimately you want to be a physician assistant. I see what you're saying to me. It makes sense that you're trying to say that but it's not clear how it was written. Okay, so I would not use the word render. I would not use the word continuum of patient care. It just, it doesn't really land with me. It doesn't make sense. And then my last comment was regarding this sentence is about capitalization. Do not capitalize medical assistant. Do not capitalize physician assistant. They're not proper nouns. I could forgive capitalizing medical assistant if you also capitalize physician assistant, it would be incorrect, but at least you'd be consistent. And then depending on who you ask, I've seen it so many times, maybe someone would let it slide or maybe somebody would even think it's correct to capitalize medical assistant, physician assistant, things like that. But I'm pretty sure it's incorrect. So I would advise you not to capitalize those job titles but especially in this case, medical assistant was capitalized and then physician assistant was not. So like what the heck, right? So you're inconsistent and you're also incorrect. So I said, do not capitalize either one but if you must capitalize and capitalize both of them. Yeah, so I said, if I were you, I would not capitalize either one and just say medical assistant lowercase and physician assistant lowercase. Okay, yeah. And then this is basically what I just told you this sentence contains two examples of an applicant using big words to sound smart and unfortunately accomplishing the exact opposite sounding not so smart. So, excuse me drum roll please for the after after that beating I gave the student unfortunately but they took it to heart and they made a much better sentence. So the after is my goal is to build on my experiences not render my goal is to build on my experiences as a CNA and medical assistant and obtain the necessary training I need to provide excellent patient care as a physician assistant. Slow clap again. A beautiful, clear, just efficient sentence. No word in the sentence is extraneous. Nothing is used, you know, incorrectly. All the words make sense. The word choices make sense. The capitalization is correct. The spacing, everything is correct. The punctuation, you know, just a period but everything is correct about the sentence and it just makes me happy to see. So just because it's short, let me go over it one more time. The before my goal is to render my current experiences as a CNA and medical assistant into a lifelong continuum of patient care as a physician assistant after my goal is to build on my experiences as a CNA and medical assistant and obtain the necessary training I need to provide excellent patient care as a physician assistant. Ah, just makes me so happy. Just makes me happy when things sound good. Okay, sweet. So that's two examples, guys. Let me stop sharing my screen. There you go. So that's two examples of real pre-PA essays that, you know, started off kind of rough and then with some comments by somebody who knows what they're doing and then some elbow grease and a lot of work and a lot of trial and error by the students. All the work was done by them. All the credit goes to them. They made it much, much, much better. And so I really hope these live examples help you. I'm going to do more of them. And yeah, we'll see you in the next video.