 Hey, hey Tony Gaskins here. Thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony Got a message today from a young man and it says hey Tony My girlfriend got me listening to your show a few months ago And I became a fan of your message and advice keep doing what you are doing and spreading a positive message I will try to keep this short. I am 28 have a full-time job and was blessed to buy my first home last year I feel like I am in a point of my life where I should be able to be focused on achieving my goals and Establishing a career before looking to settle down and start a family over the next few years Let me start by saying I love my mother to death and would do anything for her But I feel resentment growing towards her that I don't want to be there because of how my current situation is going She got divorced in 2016. It was something me and my two older sisters all saw coming, but a divorce but a divorce can Regardless take a while to recover from I Moved back home in the fall of 2014 after graduating from college that may and Didn't expect to be there more than three to five months after getting a job But my parents began falling apart and I felt obliged to stay I felt obligated to stay with her after my dad left the house to help support her I Was more than capable of supporting myself and was anxious to get a place on my own But I stayed to make sure she would be able to keep the house running When I was forced to move away due to part of the divorce settlement required to sell the house I got my own one-bedroom apartment and she stayed in the house until it was sold She moved in with me six months later and stayed with me there until I moved into my house last year she has owned her own business in childcare for 25 plus years But due to some health issues in the family had to close it down a few years before and at this point She started working with a temp agency in childcare My mom has the experience to run a daycare and do it very well But she hasn't gotten certain certifications that would allow her to apply for those jobs Always saying she has to pray about it and wait on God's timing She has done a lot for me over the years, but I feel like now I am enabling her to settle for less and it is building up frustration and resentment in me My girlfriend and I have been together for close to two years and talked casually But seriously about marriage and starting a family together since we are both 28 and getting more established in our careers She lives on her own and does well for herself But she has expressed her frustration with this as well and pretty clearly expressed We won't get married if this situation continues. I have had my mom living with me two years and Was with her two years before that when I could have been on my own It would be a different situation if she were disabled or sick Then there would be no question, but she is not she is not lazy Still pretty sharp mentally and able to work hard. She is 60 She is fully capable of living on her own, but I feel she uses God as an excuse to not do more She always says things like you don't understand what I've been through and I want to be on my own But I'm waiting on God's timing But then just does the same things and doesn't make any progress I feel like she's playing the victim and refusing to accept responsibility for her role in the things that have happened to her I will always love and support my mom, but I can no longer live with her I feel obligated as the only one of my siblings still in our home state to take care of her But I cannot continue living with her. I am feeling stuck and trapped I've been I have even gone to a therapist in February when I reached my breaking point and set a date to have her out On her own based on the therapist's suggestion I set it for August and offered to help her get her resume together Look for networking opportunities and make sure she had enough to find an apartment But she would refuse my help and say she will figure it out on her own I haven't seen any progress and get pushed back every time I bring it up I don't charge her rent and she is inconsistently and she inconsistently helps with the utilities I'm at my breaking point and feel like August will Come and I will be forced to do something that will drive a huge wedge in our relationship But if I don't do it, I will never be able to feel like a man in my Mom's eyes and will lose my great relationship with my girlfriend and potential wife I am not going to put her out on the street But we have family in the state and options for her to stay and I would help with getting the stuff moved, of course Any insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Anonymous Thank you so much for writing that in My brother. Um, good to hear from from a man. Now. This is a a Tough situation very very very very very tough. And you know what? It's easy for us all to say It's easy for anyone on the outside just like the therapist said, you know, she has to get her own place She has to get her own place that is very easy to say But as you are experiencing it is not the easiest thing to do me personally. I Am not a woman So I do not understand 60-year-old women I have been around similar situations and I don't understand What a woman truly goes through after the divorce, especially Late in life like this. So your mom probably was around 57, you know, 56 57 when she went through the divorce It really kind of angers me sometimes with the man for divorcing the woman But at the same time he had to move on with his life because he felt like the relationship was dead in your case It is very very hard. I would like to say that I would hold That maybe You could and see you're talking to your mom, but you're talking around You know, you have not said where you sat down and you talk to her and you express to her the issue you have not said that and You were with her two years now. She's been with you two years. So it sounds like it's been four years But what you will have to do is and I don't know if your mom is like, you know from the island or from another country I know sometimes that's an issue when you have this tough strong mom Who kind of intimidates you or if she's, you know, an American mom But you're gonna have to sit down with her and really express to her in your words and say look mom I love you extremely. I mean, I would do anything for you and But your life is not over But what you are doing right now is you're hindering me from living my life like Think about yourself mom as a 28 year old woman Would you want to marry a man who his mom lives with him? If you're a 28 year old woman who is doing fine on your own, you're taking care of yourself You're doing your own thing, you know, you can do you you can take care of you You don't need a man you want a man, but you don't need a man Would you move in with this man and his mom who is just there? Doesn't have a plan of leaving doesn't want to go anywhere and isn't trying to take initiative and do What you have to do to get your own place, you know, you've been on your own You lived in the house until it was sold by yourself You know, you are 60 years old. You're smart. You're strong. You're capable like this Living situation is going to come upon me one day Against my will because one day you will be at the age where I will have to take care of you I will have to be there for you. I will have to let you move in and have a nurse around the clock You know in your last days and my wife will have to deal with that and She may have to do the same for her parents at some time at some point but right now you're ruining the opportunity of that happening later in life without it being a burden by Using up this grace in this period where you're strong and Healthy and can do for yourself and some people will say like oh, no, that's your mom Your mom comes before this other woman. You can't do that for your mom Look at everything your mom did for you, but here's the thing what we have to realize Your mom did for you and sacrificed for you and probably would never put you out of her house Because you're her responsibility and she brought you into the world You did not bring your mom into the world Now you may have a daughter of your own that you got to look out for and let her live with you until 2226 30 until she meets someone who she's ready to marry or gets on her own But that daughter is your responsibility Your mother is your responsibility in her old age When she can't take for herself take care of herself and do for herself But right now at 60 you got to have a timeline and you got to sit down And it's the hardest thing in the world to do and sometimes what happens is because We're not as close to a parent. So like if my father was in my house and Living with me. I wouldn't be able to have that conversation with him because I'm not as close to him Like the relationship is different. He's always kept it father son father son It's never been like friends or like buddies But like with my mom She's been so chill and so relaxed and she tells all of her business That I see her more like a friend that I can talk to so if it was my mom in my house I could say look mom. We got to come up with a plan, you know, you you can work You can take care of yourself. You're strong. You're healthy. You're able body I wouldn't be able to have that conversation with my father because I don't know him as well And so it sounds like this is the thing like your mom has raised you and she's been there for you But y'all aren't necessarily best friends y'all aren't necessarily friends It's mother and son and so you love her and you respect her and you don't really know how to say to her What you need to say to her and a therapist could tell you what you need to say Myself as a life coach can tell you what you need to say But you're gonna have to find the words the exact words on your own to be able to speak into your mom's life and Really articulate to her what's happening in your life and that you can potentially lose a girlfriend Now on the flip side of this now Understand is I don't think your girlfriend is gonna leave you. I think she's telling you that to scare you But if she really loves you, I don't think she's gonna leave you I don't think she's gonna not marry you either a lot of women say Say that the sound tough, you know and tell you all of this, but a woman is the worst one Yeah, a woman is a sucker for love She know it's hard to find a good man out here who willing to work got a full-time job and working hard So I don't think she's gonna let the fact of your mom being complacent and not getting on her own two feet Keep her from marrying you and if that and if she does let that keep her from marrying you Then it that says something about the relationship and where the love is But and maybe she comes maybe your girlfriend comes and sits down with you And I may you know have to think about this for myself if I have to sit down You know with with my girlfriend or wife to talk to one of her parents, you know on her behalf or with her but your mom has pride and She The fact that she has pride She was a business owner for 25 plus years that lets me know she's strong She's a go-getter. She's ambitious to be honest with you right now. She's living off you because she's tired She's tired They hit them 60s and they're tired. They don't want to work. They need a break They're tired of having to get up and go get it get up and be a go-getter She was able to do it for 25 plus years because Your dad was there. She knew she could fall back on him It was almost like she was doing it for fun just to get out of house And it really she did it without pressure because she knew your dad was there if something went wrong She could fall back on him, but now that he's gone, you know, she's tired She don't want to have to get up and be a go-getter be a hustler and make things happen. She's also insecure So that's why she's not taking the test and talking about she's waiting on God and God's time And it's really because she's insecure with her knowledge at 60 She don't know if she can take the test and pass the test She don't really trust in herself and believe in herself because she realized 25 plus years ago It it was some different situation that allowed her to get in business And so she was able to kind of skip some things and get by in some areas that today It may be much more strict and she'll have to really be by the book and really know that she knows what she's doing and Really show up. And so I think that's more so what it is Then also you're her son You're the only one living still in the state that says to her that You're still baby boy the rest of her kids. They didn't got up in the left of state So she see them as grown she see them as you know making moves you still home So that says to her and then you live with her for two years, you know It going when divorce was falling apart. So you baby boy, you baby boy who don't got a backbone You know, that's just my baby. My baby ain't gonna never put me out Ain't gonna know he came look me in the eyes and tell me what he want to say He ain't that kind of man ain't I'm finna run all over him He ain't like his daddy just gonna up and leave me my baby gonna be there for me and so that's what she's telling herself and You saying that you don't want to have to do something that's gonna drive a wedge You don't have to drive the wedge between y'all if you sit down with her look her in the eyes and Articulate your true frustration with this situation It sounds like you've beat around it and said well, mom Let me help you with your resume. Let me help you go to this networking event Let me help you do this and do that So it's kind of like you throwing hints, but you ain't getting right to it So she just brushing them hints off and she testing you and she pushing you and saying look if you can't get some Balls about you and look me in my face and tell me you want me out of your place So that you can live your life and get married with your woman and start your family I ain't going nowhere because if you ain't man enough to sit down and tell me what you want Then you're not ready to be a husband and a father and lead a household by yourself anyways So that's what she's saying subconsciously without even saying it so Sit her down talk to her and get those things in order and set a timeline You know set a timeline and it may you may now if you have the conversation with her after you hear this You may have to push that August back to February, you know of next year just to get through Thanksgiving Christmas new year then February boom or March boom on your a you got to be up out of here And so sit down and have that real conversation and to everybody that's listening to this We all have issues with our mom in most cases we all have issues with a Parent you know our mother or our father to where we have some type of situation going on and If your parents are still here with you You know that it's something that comes up to where you know You have to have a conversation with them and it's some people who you know Their parents have moved on to the next life and they may see it totally different and say look if I could have My mom with me. I wouldn't put her out. I'll leave her there. I'll let her stay she can stay as long as she want to So it's gonna be a different perspective Some people they got a soft spot for the dad So we all deal with something at some point But it's up to you in that position and at that time To know and I've had to have some tough conversations, you know with my mother Concerned money My dad not so much. He never really bothered me. He doesn't really ask me for anything And you know, he does his own thing and But I've had to have tough conversations with my mother with my sister just family in general So to everybody who listens or watches this on YouTube or listen on the podcast Realize that you cannot allow someone to drive you crazy or to drive you to an Early grave just because y'all have the same blood coursing through your veins You cannot allow someone to push you over the edge or to frustrate you to death Just because you're related or just because it's mother or father brother or sister cousin uncle aunt whoever Whoever it is or even best friend you got to sit down draw the line in the sand and Declare that you are protecting your peace and that you refuse to be used and taken advantage of So hey, I hope this helps you. I hope you can find it in you to say what you need to say to your mother and I believe she will receive it. She honestly just needs to hear it She just needs to hear it and as long as you're gonna give her room to You know live off of you and use you she gonna take it just because she's tired. She's just tired But if you tell her what she needs to hear She knows it's the truth and she gonna get up even if she mad with you for a little while She gonna get up get off her butt apply herself do what she has to do to get a job and get going So hey, this Tony gaskins. Thank you so much if you have a question for me Please be sure to send it in to inbox at Tony gaskins calm inbox at Tony gaskins calm Thank you so much. We'll talk soon