 See for comedy, I'll put them all together and they spell the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking camels than ever before. And drop a chair for tonight's Camel Show, starring Bud Abbott and Luke Costello. Costello. Come over here, Costello. You know, I tried to find you last night. Where in the world were you? Oh, I spent the evening over at Eddie Lamar's house, Abbott. Eddie calls me two or three times every week to come over and spend the evening. Yeah, doesn't her husband object? Why should he? I'm the cheapest babysitter in town. Will you talk sense, please? Hey, Lowe, I hope you're saving the money. I hope you're saving the money they pay you for mining that baby. You know, we pay our income tax March 15th. Oh, don't worry about me, Abbott. I'm loaded. I got a California bankroll. What's a California bankroll? Two singles wrapped around an orange. Oh, how can you, how can you figure income tax? You can't even count. Give me a problem. Oh, all right, all right, all right. Give me a problem, give me a problem. The post state cost a dollar a pound. How many pounds would the butcher give you for five dollars? Four pounds. That's not right. I know, but they're getting away with it. All right. Place it, Castelli, or impossible. But I'm warning you, you'd better get busy on your income tax. Do you have any surplus money, Lowe? No, I'm so broke, Abbott. I had to dump four bottles of Coca-Cola in a sink so I could click the deposit on the bottle. Well, things will be even worse if you don't file your income tax. And remember, you've got to give them an honest count. Hey, Abbott, how can you say that? I always give them an honest count. I'm patriotic, and besides that, they watch you too close. Then collect us. Oh, boy, that's pretty sharp, Abbott. I once met an income tax man on the plane. We hit four air pockets. He had his hand in every one of them. Never mind that, Castelli. We should all be glad to pay our tax, even if it does leave us a little poorer. You're right, Abbott, because no matter how poor it makes us, we're better off than some people. Like that fella I was reading about in the book the other day, Jack and the Beanstalk. What was it about? Well, this story is about a boy who was very, very poor. His name was Jack. Now, when Jack was a little bit of a boy, and how did he get the name of Jack, Lou? How did he get the name of Jack? How did he get the name of Jack? Yes. How did he get the name of Jack? He was born while his father was changing a type. All right. How did he get the name of Jack? All right, go ahead. He was fighting a little soon, Abbott. You go ahead. Go ahead. Now, just keep your mouth out of this, so let me tell a story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Abbott, why don't you go over to a shoe repair shop and show them what a real heel looks like? Oh, now, please go ahead and tell a story. Now, one morning, his mother said, Jack, we have no money, so you'll have to sell the cow. What kind was it, a heifer? Yes. It was a, what'd you say? A heifer. Was it a heifer cow? How could it be a heifer cow? It was a home cow. All right, all right. So Jack started to milk the cow. Now, just a minute. Now, wait a minute. How could he milk the cow if it was wearing red slag? He was a pickpocket. Jack was walking along the road with the cow, and he noticed that the cow looked very tired. The cow hadn't been sleeping very good. Did the cow have bags on her eyes? Did the cow have bags under her eyes? Did the cow have bags under her eyes? That's what I asked you. Abbot, you never saw a cow, did you? Oh, yeah. He walked a little farther, and then he saw a farmer was making limbered cheese. What was he making you out of? Out of doors. Ain't I your speaker? Mother, get the flea powder. I'm lousin' them up tonight. Can't tell if they get this silly story. We were talking about income tax. I'm sure you know nothing about it, so why don't you go down to the bank and get my brother to help you out with it? Oh, that reminds me of it. My mother asked me to ask you what's your brother's job in a bank? Teller. What? Teller, teller. I will tell her if you tell me. I just told you tell her. You didn't tell me nothing. You gave me the same stuff last week. All I wanted was a civilized answer. Now, wait a minute, Castella. You said your mother wants to know what my brother does in the bank. Yeah, that's right. And I said tell her. All right, I will. Now, what does he do? I just told you tell her. You told me to tell her, but you didn't tell me what to tell her. Tell her, tell her. Because Abbott's brother's doing a bank. What do I say? Tell her in the bank. How can I tell her? Listen, you dummy. When I say tell her, I don't mean tell her. I mean tell her. And that's what my brother does in the bank. His job is tell her. Tell her. Now, do you get it? Oh, when you say tell her, you don't mean tell her. You mean tell her. Tell her. Now, you've got it. Now, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Now, brother works in a bank. Now, that's right. What job did he have before the job he's got now? Oh, he was in charge of a very important department. What department? Vaults. Could I have that again? Vaults, Castella. Vaults. Vaults. Abbott, you know I can't vault. But I will try a rumba. No, no, Castella. Go with me. Play, Ennis. Play. And remember, Abbott, you win for this end. Here's the best teacher the time several months ago. Two men are lunching together. Cigarette, Ed. Oh, thanks. I guess I will. Say you've changed your brand, haven't you? I don't remember that you smoked camels before. I didn't until the wartime cigarette shortage. You know how everybody smoked whatever brand they could get, then. It sure gave you a good opportunity to compare all brands. Well, I found I liked camels so much better than the others, even my old brand, that I've been smoking camels ever since. Yes, during that wartime cigarette shortage, the experience of smoking whatever brands they could get taught millions the differences in cigarette quality. Smoker's T-Zones, that's T for taste and T for throat. Tested more cigarette brands, and they'd normally try in a lifetime. That experience taught smokers that it was camels for rich flavor and cool mildness. Camels for extra smoking pleasure. As a result, more people smoked camels than ever before. Experience is the best teacher. Try a camel. And now, while you enjoy a camel, skinny anything, if this isn't love, the whole world is crazy. If this isn't love, I'm daffed as a baby with moons all around and cows jumping over. There's something amiss, and I'll eat your hat if this isn't love. I'm feeling like the apple on top of William Pell, with this I cannot grapple because, because, you're so adorable. If this isn't love, then winter is summer. If this isn't love, my heart needs a plumber swinging on top. I'm riding on rainbow. I'm busking with bliss and I'll kiss your hand if this isn't love. If this isn't love, I'm daffed as a baby. I'm swinging on stars and I'm riding on rainbow. I'm busking with bliss and I'll kiss your hand if this isn't love. Oh, wait a minute. What could you learn from Lana Turner? More than I could learn from Morgotho Rockefeller Vanderbilt and Guggenheim. All talk says, let's go into the accountant's office. Come on. Come on, Costella. You've got to find the tax accountant. Oh, I'll ask that woman over there. Pardon me, Miss. Well, if it isn't Mr. Orbus. Oh, well, it brings you here, Miss. I came to see my accountant about the talk says I owe to the government. The government? The government? Oh, yes, Sabbath. Washington, Ducey. That's where President Troman lives. Time to be rumbling off. As they say in Russian, I crochet a sea-tall bublichkas to you. And a mushy meatball and a kisser to you, too. Come on, Costella. Here's the accountant to help you. Aha! George Washington said that Thomas Jefferson, sit down. I'm just concluding some business with this client and I'll be with you in a moment. And now, as I was saying, about that $100,000 that you made last Saturday afternoon, we'll have to figure out the tax on it and get in touch with you later. Nice client, that all are very. Here, Patras said to Mark Antony, what can I do for you? Well, then, Mr. Costella here wants you to help him with his income tax. Fine, fine. Now, Mr. Costella, how much money did you make last year? Well, I... Speak right up, young man. Speak right up. All this information is confidential. Well, I may tell... Tell me about it. Tell me! How much did you make? Well, it was an enormous... Come! Come! Has the cat got your tongue? Get the marbles out of your mouth. Mr. Costella, if you don't fill out your income tax form, you'll go to jail. They'll put you behind bars in Leavenworth, Kansas, or Atlanta, Georgia. Please have it. Not Georgia. Don't let them send me to Atlanta. It's terrible to be in jail in Georgia. Why? Two wardens. Well, let's get down to business now. As John Alden once said to Miles Standish, did you work last year? Yes, and I had a very steady job. Uh-huh. What did you do? I was best man at Artie Shaw's weddings. Ah! You're here at 46. By what method did you ascertain your income? Well, what was that? The man wants to know how you filled out your form last year. By eating mashed potatoes and banana splits. Your paper's over. I've got great news for you, Costella. According to these figures, you earned $495. And if you don't make any more money between now and March 15, you don't have to pay any income debt. I promise. I won't make any money. I'll work for nothing. I'll work for less than nothing. How can you do that? I'll become a public school teacher. For you, Costello, don't make another penny. Don't even feel in telephone slots or play pinball machines. Thanks, Mr. And you can send me a bill. Yes. As Josephine said to Napoleon, I will. Oh, boy, Abbott, am I happy. No income tax to pay. No problems. Yes, no, Mr. Ander. Up to now. Hello there, Mrs. Wetwash. Well, Mr. And I see they've grounded the Goodyear blimp. Oh, pardon me. It's Costello. Oh, you know, I'm so excited. I just came from the doctor. He's going to change my loan. Good. Maybe this time they can put it in the middle of your face. Mrs. Wetwash, Costello just filed his personal income tax. Oh, you fat little businessman, you. I'd hate to pay the tax on your corporation. My brain for that one. Mrs. Wetwash, there's no tax on abandoned property. That reminds me, Costello, I still owe you $20 for mowing the lawn last month. See, that's well. And don't take it, Costello. Remember what the man said. Oh, that's right. Mrs. Wetwash, I don't want your money. But you did the work and the money is yours. Mrs. Wetwash, you couldn't force me to take that money. Oh, now isn't that sweet? Well, if you won't take the money, then I must give you a great big kiss. Okay. You forced me. Give me the money. Goodbye, Mrs. Wetwash. Now, Costello, look what you've done. You've got $20 too much money. Hey, Abbott, don't let them put me in jail. Hi, you fellas. Well, it's skinny in this. Hey, Abbott, now, maybe I can unload the stow on him. Hey, skinny, could you use 20 bucks? No, me? I got plenty of money. I just sold an invention for automobiles that will save racehorse players a lot of money. Oh, now, wait a minute. I'll get an attachment for an automobile to save racehorse players a lot of money. Well, every time they get within seven miles of a racetrack, the car blows up. Hey, by the way, Costello, here's the $20 I borrowed from you last week. Oh, forget about that, skinny. Wait a minute. I don't want that money. You couldn't force me to take it. Okay. If you won't take the money, tell what I'll do. I'll give you a brand new routine. You say, Abbott, what does your brother do at the bank? And he says, Teller. And you say, Teller what? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You forced me. Give me the money. Okay. Well, so long, fellas. Costello, you did it again. Now you've got $40 too much. Let's go out and buy $40 worth, $40 worth of what? These days, who asks? Oh. Hello. Hey, look, it's Marilyn Maxwell. Well, honey, I haven't seen you since the cocktail party last Saturday. Did you get home all right? Yes, but I woke up the next morning with big circles under my eyes. From staying up late? No, somebody said a couple of wet beer glasses down on my face. By the way, Lewis, I'm selling raffle tickets for my club. They're $5 apiece, and I won't... I'll buy eight of them. Lewis, eight would be $40. Can you afford to buy eight? I can't afford to buy any less. Now, Lewis, I appreciate your spirit, but you couldn't force me to take all that money. Marilyn Maxwell, you sell me eight tickets, or I'll kiss you right here. Okay. You force me. Here are the tickets. Camel presents lovely Marilyn Maxwell from Metro Golden Mayor, producers of The Beginning or The End. And here's Marilyn, the thing for camel fans everywhere. I believe, I believe, I believe in wishing well things the days it tells. I believe, I believe, that's only clover brain. I believe those things, I guess that are naive, but that's... No part of the country was too remote. No town was too small. For that survey of cigarette preferences among doctors was truly nationwide. Doctors in all parts of the country, doctors in all branches of medicine were included. Three leading independent research organizations asked this question of 113,597 doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand named most was camel. Try a camel on your T-zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. You're proving ground for any cigarette. And you'll understand the reasons for this preference. See if your taste doesn't joyously respond to camel's rich flavor. See if your throat isn't extra happy with camel's cool mildness. See if you two don't say, yes, camel suits my T-zone to a T. Well, Castella, the $40 you gave Marilyn for the raffle tickets finally brought you down to $495, your original, non-taxable income. Now do you think you can keep away from making any more money till March 15th? Oh, certainly. My Uncle Artie Stepplin's taught me that a man can do anything he puts his mind to. Uncle Artie once made up his mind to be a butterfly. He hollered, I'm a butterfly, I'm a butterfly. Did he turn into a butterfly? No, but they took him away in a net. Boys, I've been looking all over for you. Have you heard the news? Yes, Marilyn, Dick Tracy captured influence. No, no, no. I mean the news about the raffle. Somebody won a lot of money. Oh, that's all right, Marilyn. I expect it to lose, but I'll be a success someday. Castella, to be a success, you've got to have brains. I've got brains. And you have to work hard. I'll work hard. And you've got to keep away from women. I'll work hard. Who cares about money? I even wish I had more money to lose. You have. Good. I'm glad to... What did you say, Marilyn? Yes, Louis. The eight chances you bought for me won the first eight prizes in the raffle. No. Here's your money. $3,000. No. No. Marilyn, what have you done to me? After what we've meant to each other, I treated you so nice. I took you out. I took you to the swellest places. Showed you good time. And now in 10 days before income taxes are due, you put me in a higher bracket. Oh, I wish I was dead. Broke. Louis, I don't understand you. You should take that $3,000 and sink it into something. A great idea. Where's the nearest river? Come, Castella. We've got to work fast. See you later, Marilyn. Yeah, but... What are we going to do next? Tell her you're in great. Yeah. You and your raffle tickets. Here, I work my fingers to the bone. I slave. I stay up night thinking how to keep you broke. Then you go behind my back and win $3,000. Why? Why do you always do these things to me? Oh, I'll say you are. You have the brains of a low-grade idiot. Okay, Abbott. You can have it back any time you want it. Not ever mind. Are you listening to me? You've got to get rid of that $3,000. Do you hear? But how, Abbott? Well, wait a minute. I've got it. We give $1,000 a piece to the first three people we meet. Oh, pardon me, gentlemen. I'm in distress. Will you help me out? Help you out of distress? Lady, you can't walk around the streets without a dress on. Game on the land. Castella, castella, please. The lady boss. You don't understand. Bad lady. Look low, low, please. When she says she's in distress, she's not talking about this dress she's in. She's talking about distress. She wants to get out of it. She must be Gypsy Rose Lee's grandmother. No, no, no, no, Castella. Can't you see this old lady is in distress? Suddenly. Well, she wants to get out of it. Don't just stand there ever. Put a screen around her. Young man, when I say distress, I don't mean distress like this dress I'm wearing. I mean distress like the distress you're in when you're in distress. Madam, where do you live? In the old lady's home. How do you like that? Now they're doing our routines in the old lady's home. Cut that out, Castella. Give the lady $1,000. $1,000? $1,000. That's right. Here it is. $1,000 right on the nose. Be happy. Come on, Castella. You've got $2,000 left. Let's get rid of it. Fast. Yes, Abbott. You're right. We got it going. All right, you guys. All right. This is a stick up. Oh, oh, burglar. Shut up. This is a stick up man. Look at his face. What's he got to be stuck up about? Look, you, when he says I'm a stick up man, he don't mean I'm stuck up. He means that. What am I saying? I got no time for routines. Come on. Come on. Heist them. Mr. Burglar, will you please say heist them again? What for? My pants are falling down. Hey, is that gun a 45? Yeah. What's the matter? Couldn't you get a 46 delivery? Don't be a wise guy, you. You could rob me of the last joke if you care to. Don't be a wise guy. My trigger finger is itching. I'll scratch it for you. Castella, when you shut up or you'll kill us. Wait a minute. What are you applauding for? When he said kill us, my whole life passed before me. The Castello story starring Laurie Parks. Come on, you. Come on. Come on. Hand over the dough. Hey, Castello. Castello, this is your chance to get rid of the $2,000. Oh, that's right. You're right at it. Here, Mr. Burglar, here is $2,000 for you. What? I wish I had stuck me up about five minutes ago. I could have given you $3,000. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is this? This is a funny stick up. You seem to be happy to get rid of this dough. Why does that confederate? Oh. No, no, no, no, Mr. Castello just wants to get rid of this money. You see, that $2,000 puts him in a higher income bracket. Oh. Oh, well, that's different. Yeah. Hey, wait a minute. What's the matter? I'm just figuring me earnings for the year. Let me see. I heisted the bank in Frisco. That was $21,000. The bank in Oakland, that was $42,000. Then I stuck up the bank in Frismo Beach. You must have got a few thousand clams out of there. Yeah. Yeah, I can't pay tax on all that loot. I got to get rid of it. Yes, sir. And you'd better do it before March 15th, too. March 15th? Mm-hmm. I'm going to get rid of it right now. If that's so, it's $35,000. And I ain't going to take it. You'll take it or I'll brain you. Don't be afraid of him, Castello. Stand up to him. Don't be a coward. You're not afraid of him. That's right. Don't be afraid of you. I've got courage you haven't got. I've got portitude you haven't got. Now I've got a lump on the head that you haven't got. Here's the money. It's a long jerk. Hey, Abbott, what am I going to do with all this money? Give it to somebody quick. Here comes an old lady. I'll give it to her. Pardon me, madam. Would you like... Oh, there you are. I've been looking all over for you. Hey, Abbott, it's the same old lady I gave the other thousand dollars to. Yes, I am. And remember what you gave me? The thousand dollars? You said be happy? Yes. Well, be happy won the race and paid 90 to one. Abbott, here's your share. Forty-five. Abbott! President Castello, we'll be back in just a moment for Camel Cigarette. During the war, the makers of Camel Cigarette sent a total of more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. Now, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital, Biloxi, Mississippi, U.S. Army, Percy Jones General Hospital, Battle Creek, Michigan, U.S. Naval Hospital, Houston, Texas, U.S. Marine Hospital, Lexington, Kentucky, and Veterans Hospital, Fort Logan, Colorado. Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Our rebroadcasts are practically every area in the world where our men are still stationed and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And now, back to Bud Abbott and Luke Castello. Well, Castello, you got to get rid of that money before March 15th. But don't worry. Next week, I'll take you out to the racetrack. And we'll bet on the big jockeys. They're bound to lose. By the way, Abbott, what is the difference between the big jockeys and the little jockeys? Wait. Okay, I waited. Now you can tell me. I just told you. You just told me what? No, I told you wait. Why do I have to wait? Why can't you tell me now? Oh, Castello, you're impossible. I'm going home. Good night, folks. Good night. Good night, everybody. I'm sorry we can't wait to hear any more about wait tonight. Abbott and Castello will be back next Thursday, so you'll have to wait for a wait until then when Luke Castello plays the pony. Mr. Pipe Smoker, it's up to you whether you're smoking just a pipe or one that's filled with pipe appeal. To fill your pipe with pipe appeal, just pack in Prince Albert and enjoy the rich, tasty flavor of Prince Albert's ripe mild tobacco. Enjoy cool, tongue-easy mildness, too, because Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure against tongue bite. And crimp cut the burn slow and even. So pack your pipe with good PA for pipe appeal. And for a half hour packed with good music and fun, tune in to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry on Saturday night. Tap your feet and warm your heart to the American folk singing of Red Foley with his guitar. Laugh with Mini Pearl and the Dukapadooka. Remember, Grand Ole Opry, Saturday night on NBC. Be sure to tune in next week for another great Abbott and Castello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, experience is the best teacher. Try a Camel. Let your own experience tell you why more people are smoking Camels than ever before. C-A-M-E-L-S. Abbott and Castello will soon be seen in the new Universal International Picture Buck Privates Come Home. This is Michael Roy in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camels. The Andy Cantor Show. This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.