 Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode on the being human podcast Scott St. Marie here and We'll get right to it. This is a very very important topic one that hits real close to home So I'll get right to it because we're all lacking a little Patient It's true though This isn't a 15-second clip my friends, but we're gonna get real deep and I promise you I promise We're gonna I'm gonna hit you right in the feels right where you live and that's what happens when we cry What is crying crying is that moment in time? Where something hits right where you live at that particular moment like you couldn't get from the left by a quarter of an inch to The right quarter of an inch it hits you in the exact Spot where you're living You know when you have that day And it's been a heck of a day So much happened The boss didn't look at you and you put in all that work Co-workers gave you a dirty look just because you walked in with a bit of mud on your shoes big deal You didn't eat the lunch so you felt a little edgy and then you went and got lunch And you got a delicious burger from five guys, but then the burger dropped on the sidewalk You went home for dinner Nothing was made. You didn't have anything in the fridge You sat on the couch thinking my life today was terrible Then a friend calls you and says hi How are you? And you're like good good good. You see it in one of those days, and they're like hey, no How are you? It gets you right where you live and This question is perfect for actually that little scenario that just came out of there, so I'm gonna read a question from a subscriber today, and it's something that we've all experienced and One reason to turn on your notifications on all platforms Not for my need of attention but for for your benefit if if ifity if off if You had a question that you wanted answered on this podcast I put in the community tab on YouTube, which doesn't show in people's feeds I put hey if you have a question here's my email I put in the community tab and then people sent me emails with questions. How cool is that? Internet's wacky wonderful, so if you have a question Turn on the notifications and subscribe like whatever ask a question in the comments And I think this is a theme that I'd like to pursue Where it's a question answered something awesome and then a meditation Because why oh? Yes, we create space in between pieces of content space with the meditation, right piece of content Soak in the content the message for myself to take a break with the meditation creates space in between information Shun space in between information That's what we need, but you're on tiktok. You're on CBC news. You're on CNN. You're scrolling through it's a scroll Massacre it's information after information. It's article after article headline headline video video picture picture We'll smith slap we'll smith slap from the left angle. We'll smith slap from the right angle. You can't Create space. We need space man So that'll be yeah, some kind of recurring theme. I think it'll be cool so Let's answer this question And if you have questions again email is on YouTube and stuff scott st. Marie calm slash contact My question to you is oh gosh scott can't read day Hey Hi there hope all is well hope all is pretty well today had a ginger tea glass of water here Went to the gym this morning had a great swim Man, there's someone next to me swimming. They were making waves Don't make that many waves in a public pool. Okay Phelps you got frickin daffy duck feet making splashes I'm choking on water on the right lane chill Okay, so hope all is well my question to you is how do you deal with loneliness after you've tried coping skills x y and z? You've exercised cried it out written in your journal called a friend. They tell you the same thing Your time will come don't rush It's God's timing and usually when it's bad. It's not always bad sometimes It's just a fleeting moment But when it's bad it turns into a story about how I'll never get to experience love and what it's like to be a mother Which is all I've ever wanted. I Told my friend today. This process is no longer hopeful and beautiful. It's a burn that haunts me daily So maybe my question is different. How do you deal with living with the fact that what you want most in life is not guaranteed I? Think we should focus on the first one and I'll comment gently on both of them especially the second one because You know, I don't want to overstep and and say something that because that's a sensitive topic, you know and I Can only take people as far as I've been You know with with coaching and things like that I'm not a therapist. So if someone if someone is like Scott. I'm dealing with this. I'm like, you know what? It's my job to support people in the way that I feel is best for them In my experience and if what's best for them is to be like, I think that question is for somebody else That's definitely what I'll do So I'll leave it maybe I'll say a few things about that but the loneliness piece is huge Think about that scenario everyone about going to work and you've had the mud on the shoes people giving you a dirty Look your boss didn't notice you. This is big time stuff This podcast is a hobby man YouTube is a hobby. It's fun and what I really do is I provide presentations and workshops to students parents corporations businesses and All around mental health emotional health The big topic I always bring up every presentation for the last three four years is Loneliness is something that we don't talk about but everybody feels it from time to time and some people more than others and If we look at depression and anxiety These some of the time slash a lot of the time are symptoms of loneliness I Know even if you look at physiological symptoms This is where it gets interesting Obesity increase increase risk of heart attack and heart disease increase psychological stress and cortisol levels high blood pressure Increase heart rate all of these things Loneliness this book by John catch Yopo human nature and the need for social connection It's one of the best books. I've ever read if you don't have the patience for a book. It's all good. I get it He's got a TED talk. I would highly recommend looking at this dude he spent so much of his life learning about loneliness and I take so much of it to heart because It speaks to me so much so Loneliness my friends you said you've tried X Y and Z for coping great Then some expression work cried it out written in the journal called a friend You know loneliness is something that requires necessarily a coping skill There's a pretty clear antidote to loneliness human connection genuine human connection You know, we have what's called these fringe friends fringe friends on Facebook People that are just there and but you would never dare speak about something real deep with them a real deep rooted concern That comes from daily living and what it's like to be a human and suffer They're just there The antidote to loneliness is to find someone who gets it who understands who knows So hear this definition and then you might make sure you're seated for this one everyone make sure you're seated Don't be standing for this definition Loneliness isn't the absence of people It's the feeling that what you do and what you share doesn't matter to anyone I know I heard someone his name is John. He was just like hmm interesting. I Heard another person right there her name is Jen. Yeah, Jen. I heard you go Interesting, I'll say it again. It's not the absence of people. It's what you do and share It's what you do and what you share doesn't matter to anyone you go to that office building That you work in all the time your boss doesn't give a shit co-workers don't notice you you don't get any recognition Zero validation zero attention you go home. What did I just do for eight hours? What was that all about? No one cares what I did what I shared no one gave a damn And they report feeling lonely people in marriage report feeling lonely because oh damn it I Married this person and it's been five years ten years two years and Uh-oh, I tell them my concerns But they don't get it. They don't know me It's just a mismatch. They don't they don't they don't understand what's going on. It's a different Frequency I thought opposites attracted. I thought just because she liked Batman and I like Superman. We would have been a fit but the sense The gut feeling of oh that person knows oh they know even meet that person and You're just like wow. I feel like I can tell you anything. I Had the best compliment I've ever received in my life the best one I was in Charlotte with a good friend of mine. We're at a bar and Yeah, we're at a bar Poof man almost it was a rooftop bar almost jumped off, baby. That was a Was a scene but it was fun. It was fun and Met these people and she said to me man. You haven't met a stranger in your life and I and I didn't know what I've never heard that expression before and Then when my friend told me I blushed man. I was like wow That's exactly How I would like to be perceived and how I actually thought That this connection was going when I meet new people few It's not that I think I'm good with people. Oh, that's a good thing that they feel safe and comfortable to and That is that antidote to loneliness when you meet someone who understands where you click And then you're not going through life alone Now there's a loneliness and loneliness That aloneness is something else that loneliness is like. Oh, man. I just got I got a thing It's a deep thing in the chest and it's that emptiness because I see the neighbors and there's a distance between me and the neighbor There's a distance between of relatability between me going into Walmart and seeing the lady in a school They're getting white bread at Walmart. You know what I'm saying two different worlds That's the loneliness piece. I can't talk to the lady on the scooter about certain things So it's to find people that Get it and that's why peer support is so big for depression and anxiety. I Thank goodness that I know people who deal with anxiety. I I am so grateful for the last few years of knowing some people that had been through what I'd been through with Spiritual stuff and depression and all of that Because they could hold me for the time So if you're going through depression or anxiety and you meet someone and they're like, oh, man I got a panic attack too. Yeah. Oh my gosh when I was at that concert and then the clown came on stage It was a slipknot thing, but they had a clown costume I was so triggered because I had the clown thing. I had the clown thing too. Oh my god Just to go back and forth with people and there's a sense It's not necessarily just a thought everyone. It's a felt sense that they're like, oh You can you get it you get it? Oh, I'm not the only one I'm not the only one and those people are out there. They're everywhere and Sometimes it just takes you or it takes me to say it out loud, right? Everyone I'm scared of dying And everyone's like, oh my god, let's go to them because me too me too me too And then you got a tribe and you got a support group. So the loneliness thing. I'll say it one more time It's not just the absence of people People were reporting feeling lonely before COVID before we got isolated and all that stuff in Canada and everywhere else Except Florida lucky Florida But it's the feeling that what you do and share doesn't matter to anyone Make sure you find people that appreciate what you do appreciate who you are Appreciate what you share with them when there's a reciprocal relationship when there's less judgment When there's not a whole bunch of expectations in a friendship You know those friends that you didn't don't talk to for five years and you talk to them It's like, oh, you're still there for me. I'm still there for you. Oh mutual love and while I'm on the topic People think that soulmates have to be of the opposite sex and they have to be your your wife or your husband That's complete bullshit Soulmates can be of the same sex. They can be your best bud. I have soulmates and they're my buddies Definite soulmates. He's on WhatsApp right now. Let me send him a message I'm gonna send him the word penis see what he says Man, we know each other since we were two years old I've known this other guy for the last five years this other person since 2015 Three people in my life for sure that just get it And you know how you can tell when someone's a real friend There's no political correctness. You can make big mistakes with your speech and they know. Oh, yeah He's just that's that's he just messed up or he wasn't thinking or that's just him There's no judgment or shame there It's only Understanding I can say anything to these people that I wouldn't utter on YouTube or I'd be put in prison right now That is so important for me and I believe for every human being to have a Person in your life that is there other than a therapist because guess what when you leave that room They're gone someone in your life that you can express the most outrageous absurd thought and They're there. I am so blessed to have people that I can talk the craziest shit to it's the best So that's a piece on loneliness that we have to decipher everyone. It's not necessarily just to cope with it It's to take an actionable step to how can I bring people into my life? Where I can talk about bad bad things too and they don't judge me How can I bring people into my life that want the best for me and I want the best for them? I want to inflate them and they want to inflate me and when I feel deflated they take the pump and They pump me back up so I can keep on rolling baby. That's what I'm talking about That's what people do. They're there for encouragement to pump you up. They're there for sharing Relatability for understanding for compassion They're there for softness and gentleness and guess what you can't have one person do it all You can have multiple groups and some of that is for family some of that is for Co-workers some of that is for spiritual leaders and the church and the community and religion You got to dip your toes in a few things to get the juices flowing all together for the thirst to be quenched So listen, I'm happy for you because the loneliness is there But that is something that you can actually take steps towards an antidote Which is getting people that get it Finding those people they're all over the place. They're looking for you too. I know they're looking for you Based on your last question, you know about being a mother. That's all I've ever wanted That is a topic on every woman's mind in their 20s and 30s That is a stress that I can't empathize with so I don't necessarily want to comment on it That is a stress man and there's controllable factors and there's uncontrollable factors just like finding friends to Decrease this feeling of loneliness, you know, there's and excuse me hold on When I talk too much without breathing I Burp That's the thing too. It's about people with the loneliness, but finding a purpose to like with the guitar I feel less lonely when I play guitar because I'm creating. I'm sharing. I'm expressing and it's not about me anymore It's about something bigger than me. Oh You know what this is come on Hear that hear that that's an E I Was raised up believing I was Somehow unique Like a sin like a sin no like a snow Oh, I gotta play this for you. I gotta play this song for you Hold on and some of you might already know it Hold on Because this lyric got me it really got me and I think it'll help you and then you can listen to song Send me an email again being like Scott. I'm bouncing up and down to the song All right, here it goes. Let's go. I was raised up believing I was somehow unique Like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes unique in each way you can see and now after Some thinking I'd say Rather be a Functioning of fun. Oh, that's a minor a functioning cog in some great machinery Serving something beyond me Okay, I Just when I think of loneliness there It's it's about expanding your reach You think about that. I was raised up believing that I was unique as an unique snowflake But now I'm thinking that I could be part of something bigger than myself. I was at church on Sunday and The priest it was a gospel of oh my gosh or Actually Apostle something I forget but it was about You being able to do up your own belt When you're a kid and when you're growing up and as you get older your pants get bigger Which is a funny thing to put in a bio. Yeah, everyone gets fat even in the year zero and then You're no longer to do your own belt. This was the message to Paul or St. Peter and God almost needs to do up the belt for you and he's going to pull you in a place that you don't want to go Isn't that something It has everything to do with The feeling of control and our need for control and the ability and the need almost for Surrendering at the same time and you said God's will and leave it up to God I don't I don't think God wants us to just lay back of course and do nothing about it. It's your will So I'm just gonna eat potato chips. No, we know deep down that we can take the right steps To make certain things happen. I'm looking to find friends I'm I'm trying coping skills. I'm gonna meet new people. I'm gonna put my best foot forward gently Slowly in due timing. That's comfortable for me by pushing the limits and expanding the waist size once again And with the motherhood and everything too, you write the columns of what's in my control and what's outside of my control What's in your control is a lot and do the timing based on what's in your control What's out of our control is God's will God's timing. You know what I'm saying? What can you do that's in your control looking for dates? How many dates can I go on in a week? What's enough to push my limit? What's too much? What's too little? What am I comfortable with? you know It's literally about doing everything you can with and reason that's in your control to Advocate for yourself and get what you really want Now what do you want versus what God wants? That's a whole other topic But you think about it if I woke up tomorrow see I'm on a different end I don't necessarily know exactly what I want, but what's funny my friend who wrote this question is My uncle was a history teacher for a long time and he said I'm like, I don't know uncle Bob Of course, I have an uncle Bob. I don't know what I want to do Everyone like this person he was 14 years old He knew he wanted to be a doctor this person was 20 he knew he wanted to be a gynecologist He just knew it. Yeah, I wonder why I was sick. Oh, but how do these people know what they want to do he's Scott Sometimes people just know and they just walk through life and they know exactly what they want And they just go you want to be a doctor. I'm going to med school at university I'm gonna do my residency and I'm gonna get a family practice. I'm about to be put a boo Other people stumble Through their lives they trip over their life And that hit me so much because I'm someone who's tripped over life in a good way We walk on a certain path and maybe God's the one who just puts a curb right in front of us and we trip Fall in our face and we discover something new And we get up maybe we turn around maybe we find a different path It's okay to trip over your life and discover new things You just do what you believe is right and do what is right in front of you. We're such a forward-thinking culture We're never pleased about where we are You know If I'm not pleased as a Single male, I'm not gonna be more pleased as a father and a wife and ten kids No To find happiness with what we're doing right now in this moment to who we are now That's the practice and then take things as they come put your best foot forward into what you can control What you can't control Have a layer of God and spirituality there for you But take a right step forward and I think you know through meditation and focusing That's what I do with people. I don't think people know what I do. Yes, it's the public speaking But when I coach one-on-one we're in a call I just don't know where God starts and where I start where he ends where I end What do I want? What do I control? What do I want to really happen? There's look at his book right here. Gosh another one focusing and You sit into the moment first you don't go analytical like crazy like therapy already Well, tell me about your father, huh? Tell me about your mother. You don't have to go into that right now. That's not what I do anyways I'm not trained for that stuff. What do I want? What can I really control? How many dates should I go on? I don't I don't know. I don't know I'm the one you come to when it's like and I'm I need to find someone else for me too And I don't know and when if you were to come to me my friend And I don't know you sit with that You feel what's there and I guarantee we lead you into being like, oh Oh Okay, that's what I can do now. Oh, yeah, that that feels right Take it easy Be gentle, you know this loneliness thing and these concerns are so human Especially in the world. We live in today with social meat and everything. It's like we're just non stop looking at everybody else's life and I guarantee you everyone goes home and they watch Squid Game and they they piss on the seed and they're eating chips and We all feel lonely from time to time The person that doesn't eat chips that works out that has great friends family job. We all get that feeling Sometimes it hits us even when you have all of life Figured out the point of being human is will always search for more. We are all seekers Don't stop seeking Don't stop Go at your own pace. It's not a race go at your own pace Sit with yourself a little bit but offer yourself that kindness because in this question We're going on like 30 minutes here in this question. You said, you know, I'll never get to experience love or what it's like to be a mother I'll never get this Stop that's a point my in my psyche where I need to be hard We're sorry the video just cut out where I need to be hard with myself almost not out of hate, but out of firmness enough You're done. I'm never gonna be a father. I'm never gonna be happy. I'm never gonna be able to do this My body's in so much pain. I'm never gonna be able to play this again Done. That's enough You've gone down the rabbit hole. That's enough. You've dug. There's nothing down there. Stop digging. What are you looking for? When you find yourself in that loop an awesome quote is I think it was by Nietzsche. He's like the most courageous thing to do sometimes is to stop at the surface We think it's courageous to dig deep all the time and to see what's under no It's sometimes the most courageous thing to do. I can't be a mother. I'm never gonna find love I'm never gonna get a date. That's all whatever it's done Enough back to the task at hand and what I can control That's a critical part of me that you know what that needs to just stay over there Let me keep doing what I'm doing for now What's right in front of me Keep up the great work and thank you for your question my friend and uh This was fun And if you have any questions remember scotsaintmarie.com and free videos and courses and personal coaching All the links are are there if I can be of service to you Take care