 Hey what's up you guys welcome back to my channel if you're new here hi hello I'm Lydia and today I'm standing up to film a video because my knee is not hitting the cat as much as it normally does And also I've tried sitting down to film this video and I've got nowhere But first if you're new Hey, what's up hit the subscribe button during the growing family today We're talking about what caused my PTSD so without a favorite you the trigger warning This video contains talk of suicides, rape, sexual assault and abuse Oh, I want to sit down To be in with I was about five years old and my mom was abusive Throughout me growing up my mom has been quite abusive doing We're getting so much better now, but I don't live with her So my mom abused me between the ages of five and Thirteen when I was thirteen it stopped because she married my stepdad Who doesn't acknowledge my existence hates me Don't even get a hello when I see him. What are you going to do? My mom the way my mom would abuse me would be she would name call call me fat Which is really when we need to solve the stems run then We have to physical abuse so she'd slap me if I said something she didn't like One specific story I remember if there was a tissue down beside my dad that I forgot to pick up But I was tied in my room Because you know it's a tissue who's gonna remember that and she grabbed me by the neck and She pushed my head band into my head and It left an imprint. She pushed me into shells pushed me down the stairs Just a lot of bad shit like I said we get on flying now We've never had a conversation about it because she was always like all we've already talked about this That was the first real trauma I experienced Next we've got high school bullying What fun I was bullied from the age of 11 all the way through to 16 gay school There was hate campaigns on on Facebook. I was trolling there was Literally getting punched film in this video is hard. I'm basically triggering myself every time I talk about these things School was just horrible. I only have one friend left from school The next big thing that happened in my life was my ex-boyfriend When I was 17 I was at his house, so I just stayed over now His parents house in 17. We can't afford a house And he basically trapped me in this bedroom wouldn't let me leave pushed me onto his bed and Raping after that we went to the train station to go to college and We walked we walked down to the edge of the platform. I Only said to me. This is because of you I'm jumped as the train was approaching. I Still don't know what I did to deserve that And that's not an ideal of every day, but I go out And when I go to uni and then I wait for a tube while I can picture is someone jumping in front Him jumping in front of the train was probably one of the most traumatic experiences. I've ever had That's the one that pops up the most Next we move on to Preston You don't know Preston is in Lancashire, which is in the Northwest England I told this story in one of my recent videos. I think But I used to go out drinking every night and One night I got taken out the club by a guy who seemed nice Until he pushed me into a hedge and raped me and left me there I was too drunk to even care Just to put it out there. I've never actually had consensual sex. I wonder what it's like Then we move on something a bit more serious We're moving on to Lancashire police Now I was physically assaulted by them in 2017 She this woman grabbed my arm bent it round pulled me It's not messing around because I called the NHS one-on-one System because I was feeling suicidal. I can't control whether they phone police or not. That's not my call But we acted as a part where I got arrested and I got sexually assaulted In custody Which haunts me every time I hear a fucking siren. I Am too scared to go out unless I'm going to uni and I have my headphones on full blast. I Don't go out for walks Because I get triggered and I dissociate Let's just not say But yeah That happened so I'm into London Where I made my most fatal suicide attempt to drop down to a bed Because I kept trying to you I didn't even know in the UK you could strap people to bed, but they can and it hurts and Honestly, that was traumatizing because I literally couldn't do anything. I Was stuck there while a daily dealer injecting them with treatment Until they sedated me Because I wouldn't shut up. That's why I'm He don't if you touch me I will fucking scream all in all I've been through a lot of trauma and It's hard It's one of the hardest things in the world to live with personally, I think People I will look things if they can't stand it Because there are a lot of practice that come into my PTSD. I'm convinced I have CPG sting Not PTSD. I just turned my flash on I wasn't expected Now I'm on a waiting list to do trauma therapy. So there is that which is good and Yeah, that's all I've got for this video. If you are new subscribe Thanks for watching and I'll see you guys in my next video Perfect timing Peace